You Are Essential to the Family of God

 I was given an opportunity to speak to a beautiful group of ladies comprised of women who have been widowed, gone through divorce, or who were singles who have never been married. Our church calls them the Cheerleaders. I have always viewed this group as a ministry of presence, caring, and perseverance as well as a ministry filled with great wisdom that comes from women walking with God together through really hard stuff. In this post I am sharing with you, some of the words I shared with them. 

A couple of years ago the world faced a pandemic that initially rocked us to the core. Because there was so little known about it, it was presented to the public in terms that would scare even the bravest of souls. People were only allowed to work if their jobs were considered essential by the government. This hit hard at the core need we all have of believing we are significant to our world. We were told to stay home and isolate from anyone not living in our home. We were told to wash our hands, to not touch our faces, and to wear masks if we went outside. We were told to socially distance at least six feet when we passed someone. That meant we were to follow arrows in the grocery stores and stand on little circles in lines to insure we didn’t contaminate one another other. We were also told to wipe down our groceries when we were putting them away, creating a fear around the very things we needed to survive. 

In the beginning, if we got covid we were told to go home with no treatment and only come back if we couldn’t breathe. Families weren't allowed in the hospital to be advocates for their loved ones and those who died in the hospital, often died alone. And those who had loved ones that passed away found that the normal healthy rituals of families gathering to bury their loved ones were prohibited. Many were left feeling like there was no closure, no final “goodbyes,” and there was no opportunity to share important memories with fellow grievers. 

The American Association of Christian Counselors has reported the pandemic caused a huge rise in people struggling with fear, anxiety, and depression. There are many reasons for this. One of the biggest reasons is that in our isolation our “friends” became the journalists giving us the crazy, scary news updates. Over the last couple of years journalists have also started sensationalizing stories to get more views. We no longer have winter storms, we have bomb cyclones or atmospheric rivers. And now news on social media is presents as, “Breaking News!” or news that "broke the internet." Experts have also found people who have had a history of trauma have been more negatively impacted by covid and its shutdowns. Many have started experiencing triggers and a resurgence of painful emotions from which they had previously found healing. I would not be surprised if this is also true for the women who are in a ministry like Cheerleaders. 

I spent some years working with a Christian counselor who asked me at one point what word I would use to describe how I felt growing up. The word “invisible” immediately came to my mind and we spent some time discussing where that might have come from. I realized the feeling of invisibility can come from many places. It can come from believing we are not being heard by God, because of seemingly unanswered prayers. It can come from believing we are not being heard by people who don’t listen to us, who don’t respond to what we are saying, or who don’t acknowledge the requests we make. It can come from believing we are being overlooked in the circles in which we live. It can come from not being seen in our distress and ignored. And it can come from believing we were not protected by God or others we viewed as potential protectors. And then think about all the things we each went through during lockdowns. These are things of which no one is aware. It just feels so lonely to think about it. 

As I was discussing invisibility with my counselor, I discovered Ann Spangler’s book, Praying the Names of God. In her book, Ann wrote a chapter that radically spoke to my heart about this issue of invisibility. She shared the story of Hagar that is found in Genesis 16. The Old Testament culture is so different from ours and it can be confusing to try to understand the stories we read there. But if we just look at these two ladies in this story as women who are just like us, we will see they both had reasons to feel invisible. 

The infertile Sarai came out of a country known for its worship of fertility gods. She was carrying the shame of infertility even in the face of God’s promise to give her a child. And when years passed, and her menses ceased and still she had no child. She may have thought God wasn’t seeing her or maybe He had abandoned her. So, she resorted to cultural ways of trying to bring God’s plan about, never considering the emotional toil it would take on her or on her servant, Hagar. 

Then there was the servant girl who would not have had any rights who was given by her mistress to a husband who was not her own to get pregnant with a baby that would not be hers. She showed contempt towards her mistress when conceived, resulting in her being harshly treated. So, she ran. She sat down in the desert all alone, feeling unseen. 

And God sees her and speaks to her, telling her to return and to submit to her mistress. He also promised her that her son (Not Sarai’s) would grow up and become a nation of many. She feels seen and, in her gratefulness, she ascribes to God the name El Roi. El Roi in the Hebrew Language means the God who sees, the God who sees me. As I began praying that name of God, I began to believe I was and always have been seen—seen in the good times, seen in the trying times, and seen in the hard, grief-filled times.

We may feel unseen in our circumstances, in our trials, in our relationships, in unresolved conflicts, in our ministries, and in our isolation. And those who have experienced the loss of a spouse through death or divorce or who never were married may also be feeling invisible because we are living in a culture that is both youth and relationship driven. Older women are often overlooked or looked down upon as they age. And those of you who have found themselves traveling through the messy journey of grief and singleness again are wondering where you fit in. I want to remind you that you are a part of an extended family, eternal family and that our Abba, sees you. He has not abandoned you and He is not done with you.  I want to remind you that your wisdom and your gifts are still valuable to the body of Christ. If you are still beathing, you are called to ministry. It may look different than it did once did and that is okay. 

I encourage you to monitor what you are listening to and what you are watching. If it causes anxiety or fear, turn the channel. I also encourage you to serve others by looking for everyday ways to love well.   Maybe a new widow needs your ministry. Maybe she needs you to go with her to a scary doctor’s appointment. Maybe she needs you to share how to navigate paying her bills and calling repairmen. Maybe she simply needs your ministry of presence as she cries. You, who have walked this journey, know better than anyone the pain and the longings she is experiencing, and you will have the wisdom needed to know when and how to encourage her to take a needed step in the grief journey without shaming her. 

Maybe you can do something like the lady in Shafter who was known as the “cookie lady.” She loved to bake cookies and met kids walking home from school at the sidewalk in front of her house with fresh-baked cookies on a regular basis. I have heard her funeral was full of people who remembered her and were touched by her loving kindness. 

Maybe you can be like the lady who was experiencing loneliness after loss who went to the college campus in her community and put notices on bulletin boards, offering free tea and conversation to college kids. Her home became a safe haven for many who passed through, sharing tea and gaining wisdom and comfort needed to navigate college years. Maybe you could contact the college director or youth director and see if they can connect you to young people who would benefit from knowing you.

Maybe you can do like the couple in this very church who used to invite a group of young people over regularly for dinner and board games. They built relationships with those young people and walked them into adulthood, discipling them through friendship. They were viewed as bonus grandparents by the young adults and every one of those adults would tell you today that they learned valuable lessons about life from their evenings with them. They are also using their wisdom in their marriages, in raising their kids, and in the ministries in which they serve. 

Maybe you can love by becoming a prayer warrior like the woman in the movie War Room. You have the power to defeat the enemy and his lies by praying Scriptures over yourself, over your family, over your church, and over your friends. You have the power to renounce the horrific lies being perpetrated by our culture on our children, our grandchildren, and our great grandchildren. Your voices are needed in the heavenly realms where your prayers will become sweet incense around the throne of God, lasting long after you and I are gone from this earth. A friend told me her mother and her mother-in-law decided to pray together every day. She said how blessed she was, knowing these two ladies daily bathed her family in prayer. You can do this in person or on the phone or facetime. A prayer partner can be a neighbor, someone in your church, or someone in your family. Set a time and be consistent. Together you can move mountains and gain a sense of being a part of something bigger than this physical world and your own grief.

As far as this age thing goes, you are never too old to disciple, teach, serve, or love well. The pastor I had as a young wife and a mom over 40 years ago was a middle-aged man named Nap. He had a small church but had a huge impact on the kingdom of God. I lost track of the number men and women who went to Dallas Seminary and/or became missionaries, pastors, elders, evangelists, teachers and servants because of his ministry. In his early years, Nap started a camp for children and teenagers called Ikthoos Christian Camp. He continued to have camp year after year. Over time some of the younger men came along side of him and began to shoulder responsibilities, but Nap refused to retire and continued to go and serve in the camp well into his eighties. The kids we knew as campers grew up to serve as counselors, teachers, rec directors, and worship leaders at the camp and now their kids are beginning to join their ranks. 

Every year when camp is in session, they post pictures and videos for parents and those of us who pray for them. A couple of years ago one of our friends posted a picture of a feeble Nap preaching and sharing a diagram he had always used to make the gospel crystal clear. His daughters who were there then walked their aged daddy back to his room and told him good night for the last time as Napper died in his sleep. How fitting that his last night on earth was doing what he most loved in a place he considered most sacred because it was filled with children. 

Nap was faithful until the end of his life and his life was not an easy life. No matter what happened, he kept on doing what he knew God called him to do. The next morning when the campers and counselors were in chapel talking to the students about his death, our friend took a picture of what her young daughter was drawing. It was the very diagram Nap had drawn on the overhead the night before. But this time it had added something new. She had drawn a little figure on the heaven part of the diagram and had added his name to it. Her mama was glad she had listened and understood his last sermon and that she was finding comfort in the truth he had presented in his last sermon. 

Nap and his gifts were essential to the family of God until the day He died. His wife and his daughters finished out the week of camp, knowing Nap would have wanted that. Just as Nap and his gifts were essential to the body of Christ, so are you and your gifts. God loves you with a radical, unending love. He has always seen you; He sees you now right in the midst of what you are going through today, and He will continue to see and care about you with what tomorrow brings. Don’t ever forget that each of you is essential to the Family of God!

When Mother's Day is Hard

There are times that holidays like Mother's day are hard. I remember the sadness I experienced on Mother's Day after moving across the country. I was so used to spending it with my mom and I found myself overwhelmed and lonely in a new place. I felt a sense of loss even though she was still alive. 

When I became a mom, my husband did his best to make it special, so I hid the sadness I experienced being so far away from my mom. It was years later that I faced the holiday with my Mom truly gone. It hurt as I realized I would  no longer be able to hear her voice, buy her a card, or send her flowers. I was a bit more prepared because I had some friends who had shared the grief they experienced with me on Mother's Day. They had lost their mothers so early in life. Sadly, some of them were so young they had to tell teachers they didn't want to make a card because they didn't have a mom. They felt different and hated feeling that way. 

This morning I still feel a sense of loss, especially since my sister passed away yesterday. My grief carries with it a feeling of compassion because of the painful stories others have shared with me and it drives me to my knees as God is the only one that can help those who hurt. 

I pray for those for whom this holiday stirs up longings for relationships with moms that they know will never be fulfilled. It doesn't matter if their moms have died, if their moms have abandoned them, if their moms are too dysfunctional to relate to them in healthy ways, or if their moms betrayed them and didn't protect them. The pain of longing they feel is a pain that runs so deep. Some long to hear their mothers' voices speak words of affirmation, knowing they know most likely will never be spoken. Some long to hear much needed apologies for harsh words spoken in fits of rage, for loving so poorly, for failing to protect, or for leaving when life got hard. Some are longing for one more bear hug or for the hugs that will never be given. Some long for one more conversation or long for a conversation they know they will never have. Some long to hear their moms' laugh again or are left wondering what their laughs would have sounded like had depression not stolen them. Some long to hear their moms say they understand, realizing their moms won't hear their words and respect their perspectives. Some long to have moms who would have protected them from perpetrators instead of choosing to protect their family's reputations, their church, or the delusion that their families were healthy and happy. Some long for moms who were  stable enough to calm fears instead of being the source of the fears. 

I pray for those whose hearts feel empty on this Mother's Day. Maybe it is because they can't remember a time that they didn't long for a child and live with the realization they will never conceive. Their hearts grieve monthly, but even more on this day. They hurt not only for the unfulfilled longing, but because of the lack of empathy and the people who tell them to get over their grief or who admonish them to trust God more. What do they do with the longing the Creator has written on their hearts?

I pray for the ladies who were able to conceive but who lost children before they could breath their first breath. They grieve the loss of the baby they wanted but will never get to hold. And they grieve the loss of hopes and expectations they had for their child and themselves as parents. Many suffer in silence because those around them didn't recognize their loss and  those that did are impatient with the grief they express. 

I pray for the moms whose memories include abortion. No matter what their reasons were, they were deceived into believing it would make life easier. Yet, every year they remember and feel the loss that is shrouded in shame. They find themselves wondering about the child whose life ended because of the choices they made. I am thankful for those who have experienced God's grace and have been given a safe place to grieve and repent. And I pray for those who haven't repented, hoping they will do so, so they can freely grieve and confess the decision they made and learn to cling to the assurance of a heavenly reunion.

I pray for the moms who were fortunate enough to birth children and enjoy them for a season only to lose them way too soon. They have walked a grieving journey many of us will never walk. When this day rolls around, their hearts are both heavy and thankful as they remember past Mother's Days filled with and hand made cards, expressing  childish sentiments. Even those with other children are painfully aware of the empty chair at the table. 

I pray for the moms who have children who are incarcerated or who have run away. The shame of wondering where they went wrong is sometimes too much to bear. The worry that comes from wondering if children are alive, safe, cold, hungry, or in harm's way is constant. They not only grieve the choices made by their children, they grieve the holes left in their family and the dashed hopes they once held dear for their kids.

I also pray for the moms and the children who lost their relationship through suicide. That death is a hard one to grieve because of all the unasked and unanswered questions. "Was it my fault?" "Could I have prevented it?" "Why did they want to die?" "Why did they prefer death over life?" "What signs did I miss?"

One of my friends suddenly lost her mom several years ago in a tragic accident. She has shared that on the Saturday before Mother's day, she takes time to acknowledge, remember, and grieve the losses she experiences because of her mom's death--losses like her children never getting to know their grandmother, the words and notes of affirmation her mom was so good at giving, the godly wisdom she shared, and the hours she knew her mom was on her knees praying for her and her siblings. Setting this day apart for remembering her mom, has helped her be able to stay present with her kids and enjoy her mother's day. 

I don't share this post to take away the celebration of this holiday as it's a holiday that deserves to be recognized, honored, and celebrated! My goal is simply to remind us that it is not always easy for others. I hope we can be empathetic and gracious as we rub shoulders with those whose experience today is not one of joy. Empathy might mean writing a note to a friend struggling with infertility. It might mean planting a rose bush with someone who's lost a child or a mom. It might mean having coffee with a friend and allowing her to talk about her loss without admonishing her to move on. It might mean doing something creative with a friend who has suffered a loss and wants to bless another. It might mean having lunch with someone spending their first Mother's Day alone, reminding them through your presence that you remember their loss with them. It might mean being willing to listen to a process letter written to a mother who was absent, distracted, unloving, or abusive and then helping them figure out ways to release the pain they feel and to forgive at a deeper level. The possibilities are endless, for when Mother's Day is hard, it offers us so many opportunities to love those who hurt in tangible ways.

 

When Mother's Day is Hard

Over the years I've come to realize holidays can be hard for people. I remember the sadness I felt on my first Mother's Day after moving across the country. I was used to spending it with Mom and was overwhelmed and lonely in a new place. I felt a sense of loss even though she was still alive. When I became a mom, my husband did his best to make it special, so I hid the sadness I experienced. It was years later that I faced the holiday with Mom truly gone. It hurt to realize I was no longer able to hear her voice, buy her a card, or send her flowers. I was a bit more prepared because I had some friends who had shared their grief with me on Mother's Day. They had lost their mothers early in life, some of so young they had to tell  teachers they didn't want to make a card because they didn't have a mom. They felt different and hated it. When Mother's Day rolls around, I still feel a sense of loss. But more importantly I feel burdened because of the painful stories others live. It is a good, God-given  burden that takes me to my knees.

I pray for those for whom this holiday stirs up longings for relationships with moms that can never be fulfilled. It doesn't matter if their moms have died, if their moms have abandoned them, if their moms are too dysfunctional to relate in healthy ways, or if their moms have betrayed them. That pain of longing they feel is a pain that runs deep. They may be longing to hear their voices speak words of affirmation that they know most likely will never be spoken because of sinful or wounded hearts. They may be longing to hear apologies for harsh words spoken in fit of rage, for loving so poorly, for failing to protect, or for leaving them. They may be longing for one more bear hug or for hugs never given. They may be longing for another conversation or longing for a conversation they never will have. They may be longing to hear their moms laugh one more time or the wondering what their laughs would have sounded like had depression not stolen them. They may be longing to hear their moms say they understand, but realizing their moms won't hear their words and respect their perspectives. They may be longing to having moms who would have protected them from perpetrators instead of choosing to protect family reputations, the church they attended, or the delusion that their families were healthy and happy. They might be longing for moms who were  stable enough to calm fears instead of triggering them.

I pray for those whose hearts feel empty on Mother's Day, because they can't remember a time that they didn't long for a child and live with the realization they will never conceive. Their hearts hurt every month, but even more on this day. They hurt not only for the unfulfilled longing, but because of the lack of empathy and the people who clamor for them to get over their grief or admonish them to trust God more. What do they do with the longing the Creator has written on their hearts?

I pray for the ladies who were able to conceive but lost children before they could breath their first breath. They grieve the loss of the baby they wanted but will never get to hold. They also grieve the loss of hopes and expectations they had for their children and themselves as parents. Many of them have suffered in silence because those around them didn't recognize the loss as valid and  those that did, are impatient with the grief they experience.

I pray for the moms whose memories include abortion. No matter what their reasons were, they were deceived into believing it would be easier. Yet, every year they remember and feel their losses shrouded with shame. They find themselves wondering about the child whose life ended because of the choices they made. I am thankful for those who have experienced God's grace and have been able to grieve and repent. But, I pray for those who haven't repented, always hoping they will do so, so that they can grieve their child and confess the decision they made as they cling to the assurance of a heavenly reunion.

I pray for the moms who were fortunate enough to birth children and enjoy them for a season only to lose them way too soon. They have walked a grieving journey many of us will never walk. When this day rolls around, their hearts are both heavy and thankful as they remember past Mother's Days filled with cheer and hand made cards expressing sweet childish sentiments. Even those with other children, are reminded who are celebrated can not help but see the empty chair of the missing sibling.
I pray for the moms who have children who are incarcerated or who have run away. The shame of wondering where they went wrong is sometimes too much to bear. The worry that comes from wondering if children are alive, safe, cold and hungry, or in harm's way is constant. As they grieve the choices made by their children, they grieve the holes left in their family and the dashed hopes they had for their kids.

I also pray for the moms and the children who lost their relationship through suicide. That death is a hard one to grieve because of all the unasked and unanswered questions. "Was it my fault?" "Could I have prevented it?" "Why did they want to die?" "Why did they prefer death over life?"

My purpose in sharing this post is not to guilt those who celebrate this holiday as it's a relationship that deserves to be recognized, honored, and celebrated! I just want to remind us that it is not always easy for others. I hope we can be empathetic and gracious as we cross paths with those whose experience is not one of joy. This might mean writing a note to a friend struggling with infertility. It might mean planting a rose bush with someone who's lost a child or a mom. It might mean having coffee with a friend and allowing her to talk about her loss without admonishing her to move on. It might mean doing something creative with a friend who has suffered a loss and wants to bless another. It might mean having lunch with someone spending their first Mother's Day alone, reminding them through your presence that you remember their loss. It might mean being willing to listen to a process letter written to a mother who was absent, distracted, or unloving and then helping them figure out ways to release the pain they feel and forgive at a deeper level. The possibilities are endless, for when Mother's Day is hard, it offers us so many opportunities to love those who hurt.

The Art of Loving Well

As I reflected last week on learning to love well, it reminded me that the art of learning to love well can only be learned in the context of relationships. Ironically, as much as I want loving relationships they are difficult to navigate because they are like the process of iron sharpening iron and when iron sharpens iron sparks fly! Because relationships are designed to refine, rubbing shoulders with others has a way of exposing ungodly things like selfishness, weaknesses, overactive defense mechanisms, and a bunch of other stuff I will simply clump together and call the messy parts of relationships.

In my relationships I've experienced love by being the recipient of others' kind actions, acts of service, or the graces extended me in the reality of my failure to love well. I also experienced love through words--sometimes in the words, "I love you," sometimes words of affirmation for a job well done or for a character trait others observed and appreciated, and sometimes in simple sweet encouraging words that were balm to my soul when it was aching. I tried to emulate those things.

But, I also loved in some ways I learned were not healthy. I mistakenly thought love and grace meant overlooking bad behavior, but it was enabling others to continue to behave in ways that were destructive to the relationships we had. I also mistakenly thought it was loving to rescue others from the consequences of their choices because it prevented them pain. But, I learned they needed that pain to understand the need for change. Just like I am having to teach my new puppy his love bites aren't the best way to show this human some love. I had to learn godly love requires I not overlook bad behavior or rescue. Love includes gentle, direct confrontation and the speaking of truth in love. I am learning the best love I can give is truth and staying out of God's way so people experience consequences of their choices and His love through discipline. It sometimes hurts to observe, but ultimately God is infinitely wiser than me and He knows what each of us needs to motivate growth so we experience His love and develop the desire to embrace His life of loving others.

At one point in my life I believed I would someday obtain a level of spirituality and loving well would become so natural. I believed I would no longer be triggered or be tempted to act out of my sinful flesh. But, I still struggle daily with temptation to protect my heart through harsh words that can flow from anger and judgement. I am sometimes still tempted to hurt those who hurt me through slander or by blasting them with toxic, loud, and critical words aimed like arrows at their sweet hearts. Sometimes I am also tempted to withdraw in stony silence exhibiting aggression in a more passive-aggressive way.  I am not proud of these things, just owning the reality of them. The more I get to know others, the more I realize this isn't just a Wendy issue, it is a human one. It is just that some openly admit the struggle and others don't. But the truth is we are all just one step, one moment away from committing sin that wounds, and we are all just one step, one moment away from loving well in a way that builds others up. It is a moment by moment walk and it will never be done this side of heaven.

Several years ago I learned the skill of self reflection, which is way different than the self absorption I had struggled with in the past. Through reflection I learned to recognize the weaknesses of my temperament, the defense mechanisms I tend to favor, and the sinful tendencies that flow from my flesh. This has driven me to continually search for God's wisdom in how to overcome these fleshly patterns so I can love well. I have seen that the closer I walk with God, the more I experience His love and see it being poured on others through me. His love helps me bridle my tongue and use it for good. It motivates me to carry out actions that are loving and kind rather than selfish and self serving. His grace motivates me to forgive and to extend His grace to others.

There are so many treasures of wisdom in the word that teach me to love well, but for them to impact me I have to think on them continually and practice them over and over until they become natural to me. Other wise His Word becomes just go in and out of my brain and don't take root in my heart where they can produce godly fruit in my life.

As I shared in my last post loving well begins with accepting the truth that God's love is the source of all godly love. Loving others well requires I sit in His love so it can empower me to love like Him. Ephesians 4 is a powerful, practical chapter about loving. Paul even began the the chapter urging the Ephesians to walk worthy of  of their calling, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, and forbearance--all of which are fruits of the Spirit! These are produced in me as I spend time with God, choosing to walk in obedience by faith.

It is so easy for me to get caught up in the "If he (or she) does this then I will show them love." or "If he (or she) quits doing that I will show them love." I may not have ever said those exact words, but anyone observing me closely would have been able to see the reality of them guiding my life. I remind myself often of my personal responsibility as a child of God to love well. It is never contingent on others' actions or attitudes. It is only contingent on my being loved well by God.

Because there is an active enemy and because I have a sinful flesh I daily must put to death, the relationships and the unity I desire in them takes work. I have to continually grow so I am not tossed to and fro by the deceit the enemy whispers in my mind. I've also been learning to focus on others more than I am focus on myself. I'm learning to put off old, unhealthy ways of relating and put on God's loving ways. According to Ephesians 4, that means not responding out of my flesh which can lead me to sensuality, greed, impurity, and deceit. It means replacing falsehood with the truth. It means replacing thievery with hard labor with the intention of sharing out of the reward of that. It means replacing corrupt speech with words that build up and fit the occasion and give grace to the hearer.

We can apply this principle of replacement with anything that hinders our ability to love well. For the one who likes to stonewall, it means replacing stonewalling with humble engagement and a willingness to hear. For the manipulator, it means releasing the desire to control another and fully respecting their right to their own thoughts, words, feelings, perspectives, and choices. For the one who yells, it means taking off the tendency to blast another with words and gently engaging in conversation. For the one who withdraws to punish, it means doing the next loving thing even when it is hard. for the one given to blame it means accepting personal responsibility their part in the ugliness of a relationship.

There is an art to loving well. Just as an artist would take great pains to choose his colors and placement of strokes, we have to be willing to put the time and energy into loving well so each is built up, our integrity is maintained, and the relationship itself is both preserved and enhanced. It is a time consuming and sometimes painful process, but the masterpiece of a godly, loving relationship is is a beautiful portrait, exemplifying God's love to a world full of hate.

Becoming Safe People I

"My brothers, as believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ, 

don't show favoritism. Suppose a man comes into your meeting

 with a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in shabby clothes

 also comes in. If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes

 and say, "Here's a good seat for you",but say to the poor man, 

"You stand there" or "Sit on the floor by my feet,"

 have you not discriminated among yourselves and 

become judges with evil thoughts."

James 2:1-4—Part 1

I have been blessed by having a few friends with which I felt totally safe. They rejoiced with me when I shared good news. They cried with me when I hurt. I could share my failure with them and know they would not think less of me for failing. They showed compassion to me when I stumbled and then asked me how they could support me as I got back on track. They allowed me to be the person God created me to be instead of trying to fit me into a cultural or church mold. Each one of us needs safe people with whom we can be real. And God has called us to be safe people as well. We are going to look at five character traits of safe people. This will help us see what is needed to develop godly relationships.

First, a safe person allows a friend to be the person God created her to be. This is taken form Psalm 139:13-14: "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." A safe person recognizes each person has been wonderfully created by God and accepts her exactly the way God created her. This includes one's outward appearance. God created bodies of all sizes and shapes and safe people never encourage someone to do unhealthy things to obtain an unrealistic size. It also includes the way God created personalities. A safe friend will accept a friend’s personality type and not try to force her into being an extrovert when she is an introvert and visa versa. She will recognize her abilities and encourage her to develop them and use them. She will allow her to be all God wants her to be and won't hinder her growth whether it be physically, emotionally, intellectually, or spiritually. She will encourage her to grow, think her own thoughts, and express herself with out fear of rejection. She will encourage her to enjoy the passions God put in her heart. If she loves music she will let her sing. If she loves animals, she will not think it dumb or less spiritual to spend time with them. If she loves sports, she will root for her when she plays and be interested in how her team is doing. If she loves to read, she will take an interest in what she is reading.

Secondly, a safe person accepts a friend as a part of the body of Christ. I Corinthians 12:13-31says, "For we were all baptized by one Spirit into one body…whether Jew or Greeks, slave or free…Now the body is not made up of one part but many. If the foot should say, "Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body," And if the ear should say, "Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has arranged the parts of the body, every one of them, just as He wanted them to be…And the eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!'” God combined the members of the body so there should be acceptance and concern for each other. A safe person recognizes a friend’s unique God-given blend of personality, experiences, gifts, and passions and wants her to fulfill her unique role in the church. She will encourage her friend to stretch to find out how and where God wants to use her. She’ll allow her friend to shine in her strengths and be one of the first to affirm her when she does. She’ll also allow her friend to show her weaknesses without judging her and be willing to come along side of her when she is struggling to overcome them. 

Thirdly, a safe person will allow a friend to be real with what she doesn't have. John 20:25-28: "Then he said to Thomas, "put your finger here; see my hand. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe." Notice that Jesus did not get angry and disown Thomas for doubting, but invited Him to examine the truth. A safe person allows a friend to wrestle with truth until it becomes her own. This is also a principal that can be taken in a physical sense. From the beginning verse in James we see we should not show partiality towards the rich, but also accept the poor. One mom shared her shock in hearing her daughter and her friends looking down on girls in PE for not buying their bras and underwear at a higher priced store. It grieved the mom that her daughter was judging someone for what she did not have. Wise Mama that she was, took away the fancier bras and bought her bras from a discount store. (To be continued...)  

Prayer: Lord, you are the safest person that lived. You loved us in our sin, our pride, and our ignorance. Help us to connect with safe people who reflect your love. us allow others to be the person you created them to be. Amen.

Loving Like Jesus

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.”

John 15:12

According to the Old Testament, we are to love the Lord God with all of our hearts, minds, souls, and might. We are also to love our neighbors as ourselves. I have never been sure what that kind of love really looks like. Then one day I realized the above commandment Jesus gave tells us how we can begin to fulfill the Old Testament command. Essentially, the verse in John tells us to look at how Jesus loves and to use that as a standard for loving. It’s clear from both His words and actions that Jesus loved His heavenly Father, loved His friends, loved strangers, and loved Himself. It is also clear He loved His enemies.

What did Jesus’ love look like? It looked like spending time with His Father in prayer. It looked like trusting His Father even in the midst of storms, mistreatment, rejection, false accusations, and difficult tasks. It looked like resisting temptation. It looked like teaching, admonishing, and exhorting others. It looked like touching the untouchable. It looked like healing the sick, the lame, the blind, and the deaf. It looked like spending time with children, sinners, and the outcast. It looked like casting demons out of the souls of men. It looked like crossing cultural, gender, economical, and spiritual boundaries to invite all who would come, into a relationship with Him. It looked like being social and partying with friends. It looked like sharing openly His heart and seeking others where they were at. It looked like wrestling so hard He sweat blood over God’s will of the cross and His own desire to avoid it. It looked like choosing to obey His Father even in that severe state of angst so that He could reconcile us to Himself, which is in essence loving His enemies.

When we think of Jesus’ enemies, we tend to think of Satan, the Pharisees, those who mistreated Him, lied about Him, and who put Him to death. But, according to Romans 5:10, we were all enemies of God before we were reconciled to Him through Jesus. That’s such a sobering thought. If Jesus considered you and I His enemies when He chose the cross on our behalf, what right do we have to refuse to love those we call enemies? If we’re serious about loving as He loves, we must identify our enemies and choose to love them. They’re the people that aren’t for us, but are stand against us and the ministries we do. They’re the people who glare daggers through our hearts every time they see us. They’re the abusers who rob us of innocence or left bruises on both our bodies and our hearts. They’re those who criticize us, wounding us to the core of our being with harsh words. They’re those who refuse to see us, withholding love and compassion from us. They’re those who isolate us through slander or who kill or rob our joy on a daily basis. They’re those in positions of God-given authority who use their position to do great harm to those they should protect. Some even consider God an enemy. But, sadly, for many of us, our worst enemies are ourselves.

We must realize is that every person we hate is a person Jesus radically loved unto death. That same Spirit that loved you and I unto death indwells us and can empower us to love as He loves. The Spirit gives us the capacity to radically love when it’s humanly impossible to do so. It requires we bask in His love and choose to allow Him to love through us. As we are open to His working in our hearts and our lives we will become able to love with His love–and that is a love that knows absolutely no bounds. Have you allowed God to penetrate your heart with His pure and radical love? Is His love a reality in your everyday life? Does it help shape your attitudes, thoughts and actions? Does it overflow to those around you? Is it big enough to encompass your enemies?

Prayer: Father, thank you for loving us with your great love. Help us to meditate on it and let it shape our thoughts, attitudes, actions, and emotions. Help us to bask in the joy of knowing that we have always been, are now, and always will be radically, irrevocable, and eternally loved. Give us the desire to love like you have loved us. Give us humility and grace to see others as You see them. Give us wisdom in how to love in a way that invites others to more fully live in you light. Amen.