Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Christ's Compassion in the Face of Shame

It was a warm day and Jesus and His disciples were walking through a crowd. A rich religious leader abruptly pushed through the crowd, falling at Jesus' feet, imploring Him to come heal his dying twelve-year-old daughter. Jesus knew the man risked his position, his power, and his influence in the community by coming to Him. The desperate dad, risked it all and Jesus agreed to go. As they headed towards his home the crowd pressed in and a woman who had been ill for as long as the man had been a dad came near. She wanted to see The Christ and in her desperate state forgot she, an unclean woman, wasn't supposed to be near others and wasn't supposed to interrupt a leader's hope for a miracle.   

She was as pale as pale could be with shades of gray circling her lifeless eyes. She had been bleeding for twelve years--years that felt like an eternity. She had spent all she had on doctors who didn't have the power or knowledge to heal her and she was left destitute with no choice but to live life as a beggar. According to Jewish law, she was ceremoniously unclean and she lived isolated. She couldn't do things we take for granted. She couldn't go to church, shop in the market, ask for a hug, have sex with a spouse, or bear children. She couldn't care for a home as everything she touched became unclean. She couldn't visit with friends or invite company to dinner. She was physically weak, listless, and tired, and left to deal with a heap of emotions common to the chronically ill--emotions like discouragement, despair, loneliness, confusion, and shame--shame that was born from being unable to function, unable to do the things women do, unable to engage in the social life of her community, and unable to join in public worship in the outer court. Shame that came from the belief that suffering is always due to sin that is hidden.  
           
When she saw that Jesus was heading to the leader's house, she was desperate to get as close as she could. As she drew closer, she was overwhelmed with the thought, "If only I can just touch His garment,.." She mustered up the energy to squeeze through the crowd, pressing closer and closer. Trembling, in fear and with a remanent of hope igniting within her, she stretched and stretched and stretched and hoped and hoped and hoped. She was stretching with the ache of longing for a dozen years until she touched His hem. And the loneliness running deep subsided in the single act of connection. And the senseless flow of  blood stopped and her pale cheeks glowed healthy. She straightened as the cramping dissipated and strength flowed from the top of her head to her tippy toes. Fatigue faded as Christ's as the realization that His power stopped the life flowing out of her, making her uncleanliness clean once again. 

Feeling unworthy, she turned to slip away, but He scanned the crowd, asking, "Who touched Me?" Fearfully she wanted to flee, but the healing gave her the courage to own what she had become done. After she finished speaking, she expected to be reproved and treated with the same disdain with which she had become familiar. But He looked at her with eyes full of compassion, and tenderly spoke, "Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace, and be well." When she heard the tenderness in His voice and the endearing term "daughter" she found the courage to lift her eyes and look into His, finding there both the love and the acceptance she craved. 

It was Christ’s compassion that compelled Him to give physical life to her body slowly dying. It was His compassion that caused Him to call her out. For, in the asking, He was inviting her to move out of shame to live in the light. He was also inviting her to a face-to-face encounter so she could experience acceptance and restoration. His love expressed in the word "Daughter" went straight to the heart, healing the shame born out of being unclean. It was that same word that healed the pain of loneliness she had endured for twelve years. She had come hoping for a miracle, but He gave her something more--He gave her relational connection that melted away her shame.  

It is interesting to note that the man came to Jesus both boldly and publicly to plea for his daughter's life while she came quietly and secretly, wanting to live. He was wealthy; she was destitute. He was a religious leader, she was rejected and declared unclean. His family was well respected, she was rejected and isolated. He faced the possible loss of a daughter. She had been facing death physically, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually since her illness began. Though their circumstances differed, they both came to Him in the midst of the hard, confessing their desperate needs. 

While we may not suffer with her physical ailment, we have the same shame sinking its talons into us--shame because we aren't the perfect Christians, wives, mom's, and employees we pretend to be. Shame that we aren't the perfect size, with perfectly manicured nails, and perfect skin. Shame that we don't always sing on pitch, don't always paint our pictures perfect, don't always dance perfectly to the beat, and do not cook perfect meals like a top chef. Shame that our bodies tire, that we leave tasks undone, and fail to show up to commitments on time. Shame that we get sick, and can't be what everyone wants us to be. Shame that we, at times, relate in ways that deeply wound those we love most. Shame that we have everything we could ever need, yet often feel dissatisfied and discontent. Shame that we, at times, feel both unloved and unloveable while at the same time knowing we so often fail to love well. Shame over the sin we hide, the idols we cling to, and the thoughts we are thankful no one can see. And then there is that persistent thought that maybe, just maybe we really are beyond redeeming. 

But, Jesus! He knows! He is calling each of us out and reminding us grace given depends on the Giver, not us the recipients. He is constantly inviting us to come out of shame and live by faith. And it is by faith we were saved and by faith we are growing in Him. It is by grace that we are called His, "Chosen," "Beloved," "Redeemed," "Reconciled," "Daughters." Because His love is outrageous we can know that His compassion is limitless and His grace sufficient.   

Monday, December 5, 2016

3 Trials--A PS to Unquenchable Thirst

I intended to blog about a different person from the Bible today, but a couple of things have prompted me to not move on so quickly. First, I notice anger is triggered when I read John 4:42. "They said to the woman, "It is no longer because of what you said that we believe, for we have heard for ourselves, and we know that this is indeed the Savior of the world." It seems like a bit of a dig and it bothers me that those who had just received Christ couldn't just thank her for leading them to Him. But, to give them the benefit of the doubt, I realize I don't know with what the words were spoken. Nor do I know what their body language conveyed. They may have said it nicely, meaning it as a compliment or they may have said it with excitement, expressing gratefulness that it had been made personal. I do hope it wasn't with the snide voice I hear when I read the words. However, there is a truth here we want to grasp. Not one of us is birthed into the family of God through another's faith. Not our parents's, not siblings', not a bible teacher's, and not a pastor's. It is always through personal faith in Jesus Christ.

Second, last week something happened that reminded me of a period of time in which I found my self facing the hard stuff. First, there was the death of one of my closest friends. She was there when several of my kids were born, did Bible studies with me, and we had long conversations over meals cooked, socials planned, diapers folded, and diets failed. She challenged my faith, challenged lies I believed that fed self-contempt, and she loved on my kids. I was in her wedding and walked with her through a miscarriage two babies that died. Our experiences allowed our friendship to survive the miles caused by my move. One day we spent hours on the phone catching up and a couple of days later she died in her sleep from congestive heart failure. I sat at her funeral surrounded by people she loved well and who loved her well. How I longed to hear her cute southern accent, share with her another her belly laugh, and hear her sweet voice singing praises. I longed to tell her I regretted not making more opportunities to visit, that I wish I had handled the few rough spots we experienced in our relationship better, and that I was thankful her grace was bigger than my dysfunction and self-centeredness.

A couple of weeks later one of our sons had an ATV accident. He told the doctor he thought he was bleeding inside, but he discounted as radiating pain and a week later, we returned to the hospital with son with skin tones of gray to find out his spleen had ruptured. When they wheeled him to surgery, there were regrets for not having listened to my gut telling me he had more than a broken bone. That first night I was terrified and found myself facing the sovereignty of God in a way I never had before. I could feel God's presence looming big, inviting me to trust in His goodness! But I was afraid because I knew He could heal him, but didn't know if it was His will. After surgery, things were still serious as water collected around his heart like it had my friend's. They considered doing another surgery, but eventually figured out where to place tubes to drain what needed to be drained so his body could heal. We made it through it with the support of friends, but I sensed something different between me and God.

Not too long after that, a different son called to say his pregnant wife was put on bed rest in a hospital on the other side of the country. The pregnancy had high risks and lots of ups and downs. During that time I was reminded of how I felt those first few hours while our son was in surgery. I decided to push through my fear and run to God with all that I was. I prayed nonstop for the baby being carried and I prayed for the mom and dad to have the strength they needed for the days ahead. I also told God all of my longings and desires to know this little one, and at the end of the prayers I acknowledged my love for God, my acceptance of His sovereignty, and my faith in His goodness. I don't know how to explain the depth or the beauty of the relationship I had with God during those long hard weeks until she was born early and the long three months of waiting for her to grow big enough to go home.

Last week, the thing that happened that triggered my memories and feelings triggered a few other people whose children had suffered serious life-threatening events and illnesses. I had some neat conversations about those things. One of those chats was with one of our pastors who faced life threatening illnesses with a child first and then a grandchild, which I think is why his favorite book of the Bible is Philippians. As I was sharing with him what I remembered learning during that period of time, he pointed out it was exactly what Philippians says. I joked, "I hate it when pastors are right!" But then it hit me, the book of Philippians had become alive in me through those trials and I said to him the exact words we find in John, "Now, I know it to be true for myself!"

The enemy would have us believe suffering, especially suffering over time, proves God's doesn't care or listen to our prayers. But His ears are turned to those waiting on Him. The enemy would have us sink into shame of regrets or the despair of hope given up on instead of praising God in the midst of it all. He would have us flee or freeze in response to growing fear instead of running through it to God whose arms are open wide. He would have us reject the truth instead of wrestling with it, so our faith wains He would have us cower in the face of God's sovereignty over life and death situations and have us fail to understand that His perspective of a life no matter how long or short matters and fulfills purposes we may not understand.

What if we view the suffering we endure and the trials we face that stretch us tight like rubber bands ready to pop as opportunities to apply head knowledge of God and His word? What if we look at them as opportunities to wrestle with God and His truth in prayer until all doubts are purged, all lingering lies rebuked, and our shielded hearts are laid open and vulnerable to receive all that He has to reveal and give? What if we faced the hard with the firm belief that His intention is to make us fully alive, to soften calloused hearts, to strengthen weak faith, draw us deeper in to the very relationship for which we were created? What if we look at them as the means God may use to instill in us passions that help us fulfill the purposes for which we were designed. What if?

I believe all of this hard comes with living in a fallen world and being people broken by sin. It is also a part of living a redemption story where God's grace abounds and takes what we would label bad and uses it to transform hearts and minds and bring His Word fully alive in us.

When I adopt this perspective I won't find myself so anxious in the powerlessness of someone else's suffering. Nor, will I find myself wanting to talk someone out of their emotions, shame them out of their doubts, or draw them out of a life-transforming wrestling match that has the potential to strengthen their faith, ignite their passion, and give them a bigger more true view God that reaches all the way from the heavens down to their core of their being so they, too, can proclaim, "I have seen His truth for myself!"

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Shame and Unquenchable Thirst

When I began dealing with pain of my past, I came face to face with a core of shame that ran deep, That core explained why, as a believer, I had struggled with the desperate desire to experience deep connection with God while, at the same time, trying to hide parts of myself from Him. I knew I believed and belonged to Him, but I was plagued with fear that if He really knew me He would realize what a mistake it was to extend grace to a mess like me. I had a lot of knowledge about God and could always believe His promises for others, but often wondered if He could or would fulfill them for me and in me. This fear and doubt stemmed from that core of shame that had taken root from an early age. The core that led me to believe I was a bunch of  "toos"-- --too dirty, too bad, too stupid, too needy, too messy, too weak, too defective, too invisible, and too inadequate, each "too" hidden by a great big smile. It also left me wondering if I could be loved the way I knew God loves others. Over the next few weeks I want to share some of how I began to heal shame that is no longer mine to claim.

First, I found someone safe to share about the things that caused my shame to take root. I learned to recognize and acknowledged it as well as the lies that formed its roots. Next, I began to believe there was value in stories--both His story and mine and the relationship between the two. As I did that I began to view my story as a redemption story instead of resenting that it wasn't a perfect fairy tale. That helped me begin to accept both the positive and the negative I had lived. It helped me accept both my weaknesses and strengths and to embrace a life made messy by being in the process of sanctification instead of striving for perfection. I became more comfortable with the confusion of living in a fallen world while I desperately longed for the beauty of heaven untouched by sin. I began to believe that the hard wasn't an indication of a lack of power or love on Jesus' part any more that it was proof that I was beyond redemption.

I also developed a strong curiosity about how God relates to His people and began reading about His encounters with people in both the Old and New Testaments. I read more carefully and meditated on the stories, penning questions and thoughts as I went. I realized people in the Bible were not super heroes, they were simple humans like me--humans that sinned, humans that felt, humans that struggled. So, I tried to put myself in their shoes so I could connect with their stories at a heart level. My view of God and my relationship with Him began to evolve from a fear base to a love based one.

Over the next few weeks I will share what I learned from some of the stories. The first story is found in John 4. It's the story of Christ's encounter with a Samaritan woman. I learned Jewish leaders at that time avoided Samaria because they despised the mixed race that had grown out of the Assyrian captivity, But, Jesus! He wasn't like other religious leaders. He entered Samaria and stopped beside a well to rest because He knew a very thirsty soul was in need. He watched as one lone woman approach the well during the hottest part of day--a time in which she could avoid others who came to draw water as well. I imagine her approaching the well with purpose in her step, hoping to get her water and quickly leave. I also imagine her growing more cautious as she realized He was sitting there.

He surprised her when He asked her to give Him a drink and she responded by pointing out the obvious culture breaches, knowing full well He, as a Jew, would not want to drink from the vessel of an unclean, Samaritan woman like her. Surprisingly He continues to respectfully dialogue with her, pointing out that she didn't know who He was, didn't know that He was offering her living water, and that she didn't understand how she could receive it. I love that Jesus never memorized a script. He presented truth in terms familiar to each. He knew she came to the well physically thirsty and He used that thirst to expose deeper thirsts of her heart. She tried to keep the conversation where it felt safe, so it didn't stir up painful longings, didn't expose her unmet needs, and allowed her to keep her secrets well hidden.

But He knew! He knew He had what she needed most. So, He continued to steer the conversation to the real and to the spiritual. He asked her to bring her husband. It seemed like an odd request, but I imagine with her history her eyes dropped and her voice either softened or bristled depending on which contempt she used to silence her shame.

But He knew that the truth she needed to face was in the words she didn't speak and He used that truth to draw the surface her painful, unrequited thirsts of the soul. He gently acknowledged she was right in saying she didn't have a husband, and let her know she had five husbands and was now living with a man to whom she wasn't married.

He knew! He knew that a woman married five times was looking for someone to fill soul-thirst. But each marriage she entered was like drinking caffeinated drinks to dowse physical thirst. No man, could meet all the unmet needs of childhood and the failed marriages before him.

He knew! He knew that she was living with a heart deeply wounded by the humiliation and shame of rejection that comes with being drug to the town and declared an unfit wife. He knew with each rejection she suffered, her soul had grown more thirsty. He knew with each rejection, parts of her heart grew calloused. He knew with each rejection the belief that she wasn't enough dug itself deeper into the core of her being, causing her to doubt but unable to totally kill the longings. He knew she was a woman whose physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual needs were crying out to be met and He saw her and He heard the cries of her heart.

Through the discourse, her knowledge of Him grew from being a  Jew, to a prophet, to the Messiah. And the words He said to her had to be balm to a thirsty soul: "Believe me, woman, a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem...Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks." I can't imagine the power those words held for her. By those words He included her and told her she is sought by the Father--she, the woman, the Samaritan, the ostracized, the defective, the inadequate, the unloved, the invisible, the abandoned is being sought by Jehovah.  

Her encounter with Jesus changed her. She left her water jar in the dust, going to the very people she avoided by her noontime water runs. She told them about Jesus and invited them to come and see for themselves if He was the Messiah. The painful hard the woman had endured and the painful hard the community experienced as a mixed-race culture, rejected and scorned, had given them a soul thirst so deep they knew only the Messiah could quench it. Many of the Samaritans of that community came to know Jesus was the Savior of the world!

There is never a thirst so deep Jesus can't fill it, but we often have to come to the end of ourselves to fully believe and embrace this truth. I also know there is never a shame that can run so deep that the Spirit of God and His truth can't dissolve it, replacing it with pure joy. For when the King of kings seeks us and then meets us by the wells we have dug in an attempt to quench our parched souls, we can finally drop all the pesky "toos" and know that by His blood we have been accepted, made whole, and declared good enough.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

No More Shame

Ten years ago, we started a support group ministry that serves women who have experienced childhood sexual abuse. Over time we expanded the ministry to serve those who have experienced other kinds of abuses, those struggling with dysfunctional and painful relationships, those trapped in the painful cycles of eating disordered thoughts and behaviors, and those struggling to manage their emotions. The women have ranged from age eighteen to 73. The women have come from all walks of life and from a variety of churches. Some are referred to us from counselors' offices and ministries that serve addicts and those rescued from sex trafficking. We've had women from different ethnic backgrounds and economic statuses. We have had some who are single, some who are married, and some who are divorced, and some who are moms and others who are longing to be. We've served those who could barely read and those with advanced degrees who work in various professions including teaching, nursing, counseling, journalists, and lawyers.

Though the women come from different backgrounds and experienced different kinds of abuse, they have a core of shame in common. A core that bubbles to the surface when they walk into our doors. For some their shame will manifest itself in downcast eyes, slumped shoulders, depression, and soft voices. For some shame will express through denial, passivity, and words that are dismissed with a shrug. For some shame will show as defiance, seeking offences anywhere and everywhere, and anger loudly projected on those closest to them. For some shame looks like strong, loud, angry voices that express contempt towards specific genders or people groups and for some it is contempt for self. For some shame looks like humor that attempts to silence serious discussions that could reveal their hearts or surface serious unspoken questions, sad memories, and painful feelings. For some shame looks like ambivalence with a draw to tell their story one day and a strong desire to run the next. For some shame looks like a body starved to the bone, for others a body cloaked in a protective abundance of curve-hiding fat. For some shame looks like baggy clothes and no makeup and for others it;s perfectly coiffed hair, perfectly manicured nails, face perfectly made up, and high-end, stylish clothing.

As they get comfortable and begin to share stories. they begin to talk the language of shame. It may come out in statements that assume blame for others's actions. Statements like: "It was my fault I was abused." "It was my fault that my Dad left when I was a baby." "It was my fault mom didn't help me." "It was my fault my mom suffered with depression." "It was my fault that my husband hit me." "It was my fault those hate-filled words were hurled at me." "It was my fault, I was raped." "It was my fault, my abuser went to jail." "If only I had been better, it might not have happened." "If only I had worn different clothes." "If only I hadn't gone to the store in the dark." "If only I hadn't burned his dinner." "It. Was. My. Fault." "If only I'd..."

Shame is also revealed in the words with which women describe themselves. Words many heard over and over as children, and some even into adulthood. Words they came to believe as a result of horrific trauma experienced at the hands of predators at the tender age their core beliefs about God, life, others, and themselves were being formed. Words they rarely speak aloud, yet, words they have assumed as their identity. Words that drive their actions, reactions, speech, their relationships, and their lack thereof. Words the Enemy continues to whisper until the day they walk into our groups. Words painful to hear, words painful to read, words painful to say aloud, and words painful to feel. Words that truly do not describe the beautiful women sitting across from our leaders--words like: unclean, dirty, defective, trashed, stupid, dumb, weak, slutty, unworthy, unlovable, unloved, cowardly, idiotic, confused, wrong, disgusting, failure, bad, nasty, horrible, ugly, overly dramatic, liar, victim, disappointment, weird, wrong, whore, freak, unneeded, unwanted, waste of space, undeserving, messed up, fat, mental, crazy, alone, humiliation, pathetic, repulsive, smelly, despicable, grotesque, bothersome, naughty, too broken, too needy, and not good enough. Words that they believe more strongly than they believe God's truth.

Even though the ladies come to our groups are believers, they struggle to trust Christ. It is not until they examine His trauma as the Sacrificial Lamb that they begin to trust Him more fully with their stories. As they begin to trust Him, they begin to examine what they believe about themselves in light of what God says in His Word. They come to understand they are fearfully and wonderfully made and the sin perpetrated is about the heart of the perpetrators, not them. They begin to grasp that in Christ they have been made clean, whole, and deserving. In Christ, they are made honorable, respectable, and reputable. In Christ they have gained the ability to be successful, relying on Him to guide them. They begin to understand that, to Christ, they are beloved, cherished, and adopted daughters. In Christ, they are empowered, victorious, courageous, and strong. They grasp that they have been reconciled, restored, and redeemed, and their healing begins as they rebuke lies and begin to live out of God's truth. They even begin to believe that because of Christ they are beautiful, virtuous, significant, and always desired. In Christ they are sane because the Holy Spirit has given them the mind of Christ and can silence the voice when they take their thoughts captive. As they take the truth of their stories and lay them at the feet of the traumatized Savior, they end group knowing they were heard, they were seen, and they were believed.

God has always loved and chosen broken women women--women whose stories were told in His Word--Stories like Sarah's, the two Tamar's, Rahab's, Abigail's, Ruth's, Bathsheba's, Esther's, the woman caught in adultery, and the Samaritan woman at the well. The woman who touched the hem of His garment, Mary and Martha, and Mary Magdalene, All women who felt like outsiders, who were mistreated, rejected, and who suffered loss. Women who didn't handle life well, sinning to try to get their needs met. Women who felt invisible, unheard, and unappreciated. Women who believed the same stinking lies we did! Women who, like us, were adopted into His family, given access to His heart through His Word, who have received a new heritage with the saints that have gone before us.

I encourage you to take a listen to Natalie Grant's song Clean on iTunes: http://smarturl.it/BeOne or on her Facebook page. It was written after a friend of hers had shared the story of her abuse. The words are so appropriate for each one of us:

"Washed in the blood of your sacrifice
 Your blood flowed red and 
 Made me white
 My dirty rags are purified 
 I AM CLEAN"

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Now What?

This election year has been a grueling year. The biased media, the name calling, the slander, the lies, and the spinning of opponents's words has been divisive as well as frustrating as we try to discern what candidates can represent us best. I'm even afraid I've even unknowingly born false witness by sharing some posts on social media. I don't know who to trust anymore for accurate information about candidates and issues. There is so much conflicting info that I took the bait in the moment and passed on false information and, as a believer, that hurts my heart. Some of the stuff being written by believers is unbelievable. But, I know God knows and He is not a God of confusion and contradiction. His Word is consistent and sufficient. Sadly some of the behavior of people saying they are believers makes us look crazy to the very people God called us to love and to witness. There has also been Christians who used guilt, shame, fear, and intimidation to get people to vote for their candidates. This is a subtle form of spiritual abuse.

I realized yesterday the unease I've been feeling isn't new. It is fear--a fear that I first felt as a little girl living in Arizona when Barry Goldwater ran for president. I met him and thought he was nice and I was excited someone from Arizona was in the race. I told my my great aunt that I wish I could vote for him. She told me if he won we would go to war and my Dad would be drafted and killed. She triggered fear and shame in me that I didn't know how to express. So, learned to keep my mouth shut during election years.

Then when I got married a lot of churches were teaching out of Revelation and I was feeling uneasy. In addition, my in-laws happened to be legalistic and my father-in-law freely shared his opinions and his judgments. Just about every candidate was demonized by him or someone like him and the chief insult at the time was to label a candidate as the "anti-christ." I remember walking away from those conversations full of fear and dread and expecting a catastrophe to follow every election. Yet, the sun rose the next day and I went to work just like any other day and I didn't see horns growing out of the presidents's heads. I really doubt that this is what our founding fathers had in mind.

I have some very wise friends who do a lot of research on current events and laws and I have felt safe asking some of them questions. Some told me nicely who they were voting for and why. Some have simply conveyed all the options there are without revealing their candidate of choice to me. I knew these friends will value me both as a person and a believer regardless of how I voted. Today, I am mostly wondering how we as a nation begin to heal from all the craziness and hate-filled speech that has transpired in the name of elections.

Last night as I was praying several things came to mind. First, the church is still the church, no matter who wins. The church is a body of believers that knows no borders. The church is not, nor ever has it been the USA. I think some of the frustration I've felt is because I forget that and I begin to expect non-believers to think like I do and that is wrong. I have realized I was looking for a president like I would look for a pastor and maybe next time I will approach it differently. I have four years to pray about that.

Second, I desire my religious freedoms to be respected and protected. But if they aren't, that doesn't end my responsibility as God's ambassador. If persecution comes and religious freedoms are threatened, I don't want to cower in fear or be driven by bitter anger. I want to live godly just like Daniel did in Persia. Just like Joseph did in Egypt. Just like Esther in the king's court. Just like the Apostles did in the early church. And just like the cloud of witnesses found in Hebrews 11, who both lived and died by faith in God who is good both in life and in death.

I can't be like them if I respond to the world with ungodly tactics. 2 Chronicles 7:14 says, "If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land." Though that verse was written to Israel, not to the USA, I believe we, as a church, can apply it. God wants us, as a church, to be humble, to pray, to seek His face, and to turn away from sinful patterns. We don't have to think exactly alike to be unified around our mission. We can't carry out our mission if we hurl insults and hateful words at each other and those to whom we are called to go. We certainly can't expect a non-believing culture to respond to Christ unless we love like He loves and live in a way that draws the unsaved to Him.

I wonder what will happen if we responded to elections, no matter who wins, by putting on humility and confessing our sin both individually and corporately. What if our men  become known for their godly behavior in the church, in the work place, and in the home. What if their tongues show honor to their wives and other women and to those in power. What if our women become known for respecting their spouses and showing strength, modesty, and integrity in the workplace. What if those who are parents and grandparents raise children who walk with integrity, strength, humility, and passion about God and people? And what if every church acknowledged and confronted its own sin, and did its best to mend relationships harmed in the fallout of sin. What if we extend both grace and truth to those who are searching so hard for answers that really won't be found in any other than God?

Third, maybe we need to get more comfortable with the concept of loving enemies. We are all feeling like we've made a few enemies both in the church and outside the church during this election season. I used to think I was good at loving people--that is until September of 2011. I remember right after 9/11 watching the news and seeing people scream, "Death to America," while facing an enemy much more personal here at home. I was at our church when some of the conflict rose its ugly head and I stepped outside to just breathe. I looked up to the sky and cried out from the depth of my heart, "You say to love our enemies, Lord, and I really want to do that. I just don't know what love looks like in the face of hate! And it hurts so much to be hated! Please help!"

The Lord brought to mind Jesus, and how He wrestled with the Father's will in the Garden and how He determined to do His Father's will. And in that will He heard the words, "Crucify Him!" chanted in the same way I heard "Death to America." He faced false accusations repeatedly just as I had and then He laid down His life, was beaten, was humiliated, and was nailed to a cross with all of our shame and guilt placed upon Him...and the cry of His heart in the middle of it all, "Father, forgive them, they know not what they do." For me that became the first step in learning to love my enemies.

Loving may also require us to forgive believers who've bullied and insulted us in their zeal to get their candidate elected, which, to be honest, is hard for this survivor to do. It means we let go of our unreasonable expectations of non-believers and love them where they are at and treat them with the respect that any human created by God should be treated. It means putting on humility and honoring the leader God chooses for us today. It means praying for them and living above reproof and doing our best to be at peace with all men. Maybe if I, if we, do our part it will open doors for conversations the Holy Spirit might use to turn people's hearts towards the God who created them and loved them enough to die for them. We need to remember hatred will never bring about repentance. It is the goodness of God that does. I just want to make sure that His goodness is visible in and through me. Maybe, just maybe if it is, it will begin a movement back to church unity and the healing of the hatred that flowed through our land in the name of the election.

So, now what? Maybe it is as simple as keeping our eyes are on Jesus even in election years and maybe it is as simple as making sure our hearts are seeking His so our Words reflect His Words and our actions reflect His heart to a world in need of a Savior.

Now What?

This election year has been a grueling year. The biased media, the name calling, the slander, the lies, and the spinning of opponents's words has been divisive and frustrating as we try to discern what candidates represent us best. I'm even afraid I've unknowingly born false witness by sharing some posts on social media. I don't know who to trust anymore for accurate information. There is so much conflicting info that I am sure some lied and I took the bait in the moment and, as a believer, that hurts my heart. Some of the stuff being written by believers is unbelievable. Bit I know God knows and He is not a God of confusion and contradictions. His Word is consistent and sufficient. Sadly all of the junk out there makes us look crazy to the people to whom God called us to love and to witness. In addition there have been Christians who used guilt, shame, fear, and intimidation to get people to vote for their candidates. This is a subtle form of spiritual abuse.

I realized yesterday the unease I've been feeling isn't new. It is fear I am well acquainted with--a fear that I first felt as a little girl living in Arizona when Barry Goldwater ran for president. I saw him in person and thought he was nice and I was excited someone from Arizona was in the race. I happened to tell my my great aunt that I wish I could vote for him. She told me if he won we would go to war and my Dad would be drafted and killed. She triggered both fear and shame in me that I didn't know how to express. So I learned to keep my mouth shut during election years.

Then when I got married a lot of churches were teaching out of Revelation and I was feeling very uneasy. In addition, my in-laws happened to be very legalistic and my father-in-law very free with opinions and judgments. Many candidates were demonized by him or someone like him and the chief insult at the time was to label a candidate as the "anti-christ." I remember walking away from those conversations full of fear and dread and expecting a catastrophe to follow elections. Yet surprisingly the sun rose and I went to work the next day and no horns grew out of the presidents's heads. I doubt that this is what our founding fathers had in mind.

I want to say I have some very wise friends who do a lot of research on current events and laws and have felt safe asking some of them questions. Some told me nicely who they were voting for and why. Some have simply conveyed all the options there are without revealing their candidate of choice to me. I knew these friends will value me both as a person and a believer regardless of how I voted. Today, I am mostly wondering how we as a nation begin to heal from all the craziness and hate-filled speech that has transpired in the name of elections.

Last night as I was praying several things came to mind. First, the church is still going to be the church tomorrow, no matter who wins. The true church is a body of believers that knows no borders. The church is not, nor ever has it been the USA. I think some of the frustration I've felt is because I forget that and I begin to expect non-believers to think like I do. I don't have a right to expect that. I have also realized I was looking for a president like I would look for a godly pastor and maybe next time I will approach it differently. I have four years to pray about that.

Second, I desire my religious freedoms to be both respected and protected. But if they aren't that doesn't end my witness and my responsibility. If persecution comes and religious freedoms are threatened, I don't want to cower in fear or be driven by bitter anger. I want to live godly just like Daniel. Just like Joseph. Just like Esther. Just like the Apostles. And just like the cloud of witnesses found in Hebrews 11, who both lived and died by faith in God who is good both in life and in death.

I can't be like them if I respond to the world with ungodly tactics. 2 Chronicles 7:14 says, "If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land." Though that verse was written to Israel, not to the USA, I believe we, as a church, can apply it. God wants us, as a church, to be humble, to pray, to seek His face, and to turn away from sinful patterns. We don't have to think exactly alike to be unified around our mission. We can't carry out our mission if we hurl insults and hateful words at each other and those to whom we are called to go. We certainly can't expect a non-believing culture to respond to Christ unless we love like He loves and live in a way that draws people to Him.

I wonder what will happen if we respond to the election, no matter how it turns out, by putting on humility and confessing our sins both individually and corporately. What if our men  become known for their godly behavior in the church, in the work place, and in the home. What if their tongues show honor to their wives and other women in their lives. What if our women become known for respecting their spouses and showing strength, modesty, and integrity in the workplace. What if those who are parents and grandparents raise children who walk with integrity, strength, and passion about God and people? And what if every church acknowledged and confronted its own sin, and did its best to mend relationships harmed in the fallout of such sin. What if we extend both grace and truth to those who are really out there searching so hard for answers that really won't be found in any other than God?

Third, maybe we need to get more comfortable with the concept of loving enemies. We are all feeling like we've made a few enemies both in the church and definitely outside the church during this election season. I used to think I was good at loving people--that is until September of 2011. I remember right after 9/11 watching the news and seeing people scream, "Death to America," while facing an enemy much more personal here at home. I was at our church when some of the conflict rose its ugly head and I stepped outside to just breathe. I looked up to the sky and cried out from the depth of my heart, "You say to love our enemies, Lord, and I really want to do that. I just don't know what love looks like in the face of hatred! And it hurts so much to be hated! Please help me!"

The Lord brought to mind Jesus, and how He wrestled with the Father's will in the Garden and how HE determined to do His Father's will. And in that will He heard the words, "Crucify Him!" chanted in the same way I heard "Death to America." He faced false accusations repeatedly just as I had and then He laid down His life, was beaten, was humiliated, and was nailed to a cross with all of our shame and guilt placed upon Him...and the cry of His heart in the middle of it all, "Father, forgive them, they know not what they do." For me that became the first step in learning to love my enemies.

Loving enemies may also mean we forgive believers who've bullied and insulted us in their zeal to get their candidate elected, which, to be honest, is hard this survivor to do. It means we let go of our unreasonable expectations of non-believers and love them where they are at and treat them with the respect that any human created by God should be treated. It means putting on humility and honoring the leader God chooses for us today. It means praying for them and living above reproof and doing our best to be at peace with all men. Maybe if I, if we, do our part it will open doors for conversations the Holy Spirit might use to turn people's hearts towards the God who created them and loved them enough to die for them. We need to remember hatred will never bring about repentance. It is the goodness of God that does. I just want to make sure that His goodness is visible in and through me. Maybe, just maybe if it is, it will begin a movement back to church unity and the healing of the hatred that flowed in the name of the elections.

So, now what? Maybe it is as simple as keeping our eyes are on Jesus even in election years and maybe it is as simple as making sure our hearts are seeking His so our Words reflect His Words and our actions reflect His heart to a world in need of a Savior.

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Faith that Sees Beyond Circumstances

Sometimes I forget that as a believer I am called to live life from an eternal perspective. When I forget, I'm prone to take my eyes off God, putting them on circumstances--circumstances that overwhelm, circumstances that terrify, and circumstances that out right confuse me. And when my eyes are on circumstances, my doubts diminishes my faith and I find myself responding to my circumstances from a place of doubt-induced fear instead of a place of faith-built courage.

As I was reading Romans 4 and I came across some verses about Abraham I found intriguing. Verses 18-21 say, "In hope he believed against hope, that he should become the father of many nations, as he had been told, "So shall your offspring be." He did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body which was as good as dead (since he was a hundred years old), or when he considered the barrenness of Sarah's womb. No unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised." (The Holy Bible: English Standard Version. (2016). Wheaton: Standard Bible Society.

I've grown to love Abraham and Sarah's story. When God first spoke to them, they were old and barren, living in the midst of a culture that worshiped fertility gods. Because of the value their culture placed on fertility, barren women like Sarah were disgraced in the eyes of others and their infertility viewed as proof the gods found them defective and/or sinful. Then God called Abraham and Sarah out of that culture, promising them a new land and a son who would be the first of many heirs.

I can't imagine being in their shoes. Having lived with the pain and the shame induced by infertility, they had already passed through years that should have been fertile and had come to the age that they could begin to accept the finality of dreams lost and longings unfulfilled. But, God stirred the proverbial pot. He promised an heir and planted another seed of hope in the heart of a wife whose whose dead  womb was now menopausal and in the heart of a husband so aged he was as good as dead in a reproductive sense. What could they have thought when God began to speak to them of offspring?

Abraham, the one called the father of faith, had a choice to make when God spoke. He could keep his eyes on what he could see--two wrinkly worn out bodies that even in their prime had never conceived or he could focus on what God said and believe God could and would renew their bodies to fulfill His promise. He chose to exercise faith in God and His ability to fulfill the promises He makes. Over time he became more and more certain that what God said was more true than the facts that lay before him. He made a decision to place full his confidence in God--the God who spoke the world into place. The God who hung the stars in space. The God who filled the oceans with fish , the sky with birds, and the land with vegetation and animals. The God who had breathed life into dust to form Adam, and the same God who had now called Abraham by name. He became certain that what God spoke would come to be.

Ten years passed from the time the promise was given. And in that ten years Abraham's faith was strengthened until he was fully persuaded God could and God would do what He promised. God used the moments doubt crept into to Abraham's mind to strengthen his faith. The word waver in the verses above means to act as a judge and to pass judgement on something. When Abraham was tempted to look at his or Sarah's bodies or ponder their ages, he had to choose again and again whether to judge God's ability with God's Words and God's power by what he knew of the Creator. Had Abraham judged God's ability only by what he saw, he would have concluded the chance of God fulfilling the promise was slim. After all they were beyond childbearing years, they had never seen God do anything like this before, and they knew no human being in their right mind would believe they could conceive. He had many human reasons not to take God at His Word, but he chose to not judge God's ability by what he could see. He chose to judge it based on God's character. Abraham's faith was strengthened when He focused on God's power. The more he saw the truth of who he and Sarah were and the truth of who God was, the more persuaded he became.

Faith can either be strong or weak, depending on how we view God. If we view Him as weak and impotent in comparison to our circumstances our faith will be weak. But if we view Him as the Word describes Him--all-powerful, all-knowing, sovereign, and loving--our faith will grow exponentially until we are fully convinced He can and will do what He says He will do.

There was nothing in their aged bodies, their experiences, and their strong desire for a child that could strengthen their faith. All of those things had left them childless. It was only Abraham's choosing to trust in God that gave him a strong faith--faith that was counted to him as righteousness, faith that resurrected their dead bodies to reproduce. Every little wrinkle and every little ache that of their joints that comes with age during the ten years of waiting for a promise fulfilled was an opportunity to purged every doubt that they tore at their God-confidence. Abraham came to understand that he and Sarah were powerless and God was not. And in that truth, he rested.

I think God was very purposeful in choosing a barren, centurion couple to bless with a baby. In choosing them, He revealed Himself as the Creator of life, the giver of hope, and the mighty God who brings dead bodies to life. God had delayed Isaac's birth so He could reveal Himself and His power to two hurting people in the middle of a pagan world. Maybe he delayed it for our benefit as well. To walk by faith, we must say, "Lord, I believe You! I refuse to live life from a perspective of what I see. I choose to live in light of what You say and what You have shown yourself to be. I choose to take every thought captive when I become confused as Your Words are truth and wisdom. I am weak and powerless, but You are mighty and have all things under control. I choose see life through Your eternal perspective."

I choose faith in Christ because it's a faith that sees beyond the circumstances to what God can do.      



Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Navigating Disgusting Times in a Godly Way

I was going to blog more on things God never said. But last week Trump's video stirred my heart in another direction. I've been victimized by that type of behavior. To get to my locker in high school, I had to pass a line of boys leaning against the wall looking girls over as they passed. And as the girl's PE teacher's assistant I was left alone in her office and several football players came in to talk. At first the conversation was fun, but it turned ugly as they crudely discussed someone's sexual conquest in graphic terms. I tried to take a stand, but the talk continued. I finally looked at one of the guys I respected who had a girlfriend who was beautiful inside and out and asked, "How would you feel if they were talking about your girlfriend like this?" He hung his head. So, I shook my head and went to the library. The teacher told my mom I disappeared and my mom told me not to leave like that. What my parents and teacher didn't know is I had already experienced sexual assault--the first time at the age of four and the guy's comments fed the shame birthed through abuse and fueled the hatred I felt toward my body. That shame that hindered me from feeling righteous anger that could have enabled me to more assertively confront the "Locker Room Talk."

Then during college our campus had several rapes reported and I was nervous when I left class after dark and walked to my dorm alone. One night when I got near the cafeteria, a group of athletes had gathered and one whistled and I started walking faster. Then the whole group started whistling and calling out things I didn't want to hear so I didn't respond and they began to curse me, getting louder and more verbally aggressive. During that time dates also ended in wrestling matches where "no's" weren't respected and shaming words were spewed when I wanted to go home. Guys exposed themselves and girls were groped in cafeteria lines. I didn't invite unwanted attention. I didn't give consent for touch. I didn't ask to hear the crude things spewed at me. I know women who have experienced this in work places and in churches as well. For awhile, I believed being born woman meant I had to bear with men's bad behavior and assume partial or full responsibility for it.

Even after marriage my husband's dad made comments about women's bodies and about my body in particular. His were along the line of breast size, booty size, and being too fat--too fat at 120, too fat pregnant, and too fat post pregnancy. People said it was no big deal, just to forgive him. But it never stopped and the problem was that he was constantly looking at my body, leaving me uncomfortable being a woman. That is not okay! I also had a male doctor grope a breast as he commented about the milk that size breast could produce. I had another male doctor whose time was more valuable than my comfort who sewed me up after childbirth without numbing me. He ignored my pleas to stop as he caused more traumatizing pain to an area of my body already hurting. A year later I had a panic attack as I walked in for my yearly check up and left. I avoided doctors for years until friends helped me find compassionate men and women and counselors taught me how to change doctors when doctors didn't listen to my voice.

Please hear my words! 

EVERY LEER, EVERY WORD INAPPROPRIATELY SPOKEN, EVERY ACT OF ABUSE, AND EVERY ACT AND ATTITUDE THAT SHOWED A LACK OF COMPASSION BY PROFESSIONAL MEN MATTERED. 

It mattered because it shaped my view of God, others, and myself in negative ways. It impacted my ability to give and receive love. It impaired my ability to trust even good men and women who meant no harm. The rape culture took away my voice and made me feel unsafe in my own skin. It hindered my ability to embrace the beauty of being created a woman and all of the joy that comes with that.    

I for one am not surprised by Trump's tape; it totally fits with the character he has had on display over the years. We must remember Trump's words were more than words; they were a revelation of sexual assault. He is either lying now or he in some sick way thought he would look better in another man's eyes if he bragged about assaulting women. Either is sick. I find myself wondering why a guy like him and a man like my father-in-law think they are qualified to judge the value and worth of women by appearance.

We've had a lot of bad behavior from presidents over the years. So, I get why some think its okay to vote for him. But I become enraged when people, especially believers, negate what he said to justify voting for him. I get even more enraged when they try to guilt, manipulate, and shame others into voting for him as well, especially when throw in that Trump claims he is against abortion. As a survivor, I will not let anyone emotionally or spiritually abuse me by using guilt, shame, fear, or manipulation to get me to vote for any candidate.

I will pray and I will seek God's wisdom and I will vote as He leads me. I wish we could have healthy, godly  conversations about political issues so we can solve horrible problems like abortion, illegal immigration, terrorism, and refugees in need. I wish we could share information without coloring it and misquoting people and spinning the truth to get votes. Yesterday I listened to two videos side by side of Trump and Clinton speaking on immigration and the truth is they agree on that issue when they are not misquoting each other or putting words into each others mouths!

There is a high correlation between abortion and sexual abuse, rape, and the demeaning of women. I hate abortion with a passion. I held my granddaughter when she weighed two pounds and was fighting for her life, wondering how anyone could believe a baby at six months gestation is only tissue. Her gold-spun hair, her precious personality, her expressions, and her fight to live were proof she was human, not tissue. Her coming out of the womb didn't change her from a blob to a baby and I hate it that women are being lied to about that. There are a lot of things we need to change to change our abortion culture. One of them is the rape culture in which we live.

We desperately need men who passionately love God to rise up with integrity and pursue purity to say no more to this rape culture! We need men to understand the rape culture is not harmless! We need them to commit to treating women with kindness, respect, and care. We need them to hold themselves and each other accountable to godly character, behavior, and conversations. We need them to obey the Scriptures and speak words that build up those who hear. We need them to realize it is more manly to respect women than it is to participate in vulgar speech. We need them to realize they are never more attractive than when they teach their sons to respect their moms, sisters, daughters, grandmothers, and granddaughters. We need men to rise up and teach their sons that they aren't victims to their bodies and they can be attracted to women and still treat them with respect and remain pure. Believers don't have the right to ask for sex before marriage and sure don't have the right to touch without consent. As God's image bearers, men do not have the right to look women up and down and leer at them and make lewd comments. We need men to show their daughters how good men act so they don't settle for anything less than a good man.

We women are not off the hook either. We are buying into the rape culture when we get our value and worth from the attention of men. We need to go against culture and carry ourselves in ways that commands respect. We need to guard our hearts and be sure our behavior and words gives a clear messages for our desire for pure, godly relationships. We need to rise up and teach out daughters to find their worth and value in Christ, not in boys who aren't mature enough to always make the best decisions. We need to protect them from abuse. We need to believe them when abuse occurs and care for them even if it exposes family, church, friends, or teachers so they can move past it and not let it define them. We need to teach our daughters that it is okay for girls to say, "No!" It is okay for girls to break up with a boy who is pressuring them. It is okay to ask to be taken home if boundaries aren't respected. We need to teach daughters that no job and no man is worth selling out our integrity. We need to teach our daughters that it is not rude to disengage from conversation that aren't safe and godly. We need to teach our daughters to not to contribute to the tearing down of women by participating in bullying. We need to teach our daughters to respect their fathers, grandfathers, brothers and sons. We need to teach our daughters that it is more godly to work together at changing the rape culture than finding power over it by becoming abusers.

We need to teach our sons and our daughters that men and women were created to complement each other in function and in relationship, but that we were created to find our completion only in Christ.

So, how do we navigate these disgusting times? We stand for truth--all of it! We seek God's wisdom. We don't guilt or shame others into voting our way and we don't let others guilt or shame us into voting in a way that violates our conscience. Finally, we choose to trust God's sovereignty.

As Max Lucaddo said in a recent post, on November 9 God will still be in charge and His throne will still be occupied. His providence never has, doesn't now, and never will depend on the president of the United States. God has used pagan kings in the past and can certainly use pagan presidents in ways we can't even imagine. He has already used Trump's own words to help scores of women find their voice and tell their stories of abuse for the first time. God can humble prideful leaders as he did Nebuchadnezzar.

Resting in God's sovereignty restores a sense of peace. It restores peace in our relationships when we accept that God is sovereign no matter how you or I vote and that neither of our votes will dethrone the King of kings. God is the only being worth trusting and maybe, just maybe, one of the reasons we're stuck with two immoral people vying for office is that God wants us to see His goodness, wants to see where our lack of integrity can take us, and wants us to recognize He is God and they are not. We do have the responsibility to educate ourselves best we can, but the bottom line is: God is still in control! To live like I believe that truth is the way for me to navigate these disgusting times in a godly way.

Friday, September 30, 2016

Words God Never Spoke--Part 1

Sometimes I click on links to watch clips of teachers I admire. And sometimes those links lead me to other links of people I've not listened to before. It was in that manner I stumbled on a clip of a talk given by Abi Stumvoll titled, "Words God Never Says to Us." That clip brought back so many memories of the struggle I had with learning to fully trust God. Over the next few weeks I will be writing about words I believed God said, but were words God never spoke. Today I am going to talk about the words, "Be Good and I will Bless You," and "Be Good and I will Love You." 

Some of the struggle I've had over the years with trust issues came from not growing up in a church-attending family. We didn't discuss sermons over Sunday dinner and my childish misinterpretations of what I heard went unchecked, leaving me to create my own system of theology and what a sick, shaming system it became. We also didn't discuss the Bible as a family. So, when I was reading it on my own, I didn't always interpret it correctly; I interpreted it through a distorted view of God in which I viewed Him as distant, angry, and impossible to please.

Because we didn't discuss Bible things at home, I often asked Sunday School teachers questions. Most of the time it was okay. However, I remember one Sunday close to Christmas they brought several classes together and we had a male teacher I didn't know. He talked about the virgin Mary in his Christmas story presentation. So, I asked him what a virgin was. A hush fell over the room and even as a ten year old I could sense his discomfort and his struggle to find words to answer my question. After a few moments he gave a short answer, leaving no room for followup questions. "It means Mary was a good girl."

In my fifth grade mind, those words took on a life of their own. I interpreted them to indicate God must have said, either directly or indirectly, "Be good and I will bless you, be bad and I won't," which lead to, "Be good and I will love you and be bad and I won't" Those words became a part of my system of theology. Sadly, the statements ended up coloring my view of God and left me with an unsettling fear--a fear that made me want to believe in Him, a fear because I did believe in such a scary God, and a fear that I would never be good enough for Him to love. This belief impacted how I interpreted so many other things as you will see over the next few weeks.

In his discomfort, the man missed the opportunity to teach the doctrine of the Virgin Birth so crucial to embracing the truth of Jesus as both God and man. I know the man knew nothing about the little girl sitting in his class--the little girl struggling to make sense of the Christian life she knew God called her to live. He knew nothing about the little girl believing she was bad to the core of her being, longing to be good. He knew nothing about her believing God might never love a girl as bad as her desperately longing for His love. He knew nothing about her view of God and herself being skewed when someone had taken advantage of her when she was 4. He never knew his words contributed to the strengthening of her false belief that something bad in her invited abuse and something bad in her kept God from protecting her. Nor, did the man know his answer contributed to a long struggle with perfectionism--perfectionism developed to overcome obvious her many flaws, the badness she believed resided deep inside, besetting sin with which she struggled, and an attempt to become lovable.

But, God! God cares about people! And God cared about the young woman I grew up to be--a woman still struggling with a skewed view of God, deeply yearning to know Him and to be loved by Him. And after I was married, He took us to a place I claimed I would never go--a place I went, silently protesting in my heart. A place where I sat under a Bible teacher who taught his congregation to be Bereans, testing what they were taught with the Word of God. A place that was safe enough to ask all the questions with which I struggled and where the pastor was humble enough to not be bothered by questions. A place where the pastor and teachers never offered quick or flippant answers.

There I asked questions to my heart's content. And when I asked, he always pulled out His Bible instead of talking off the top of his head. As we poured over Scriptures, he always showed me the process that lead him to believe truth he taught. A part of that truth included teaching on the sin nature with which some people have a hard time. But for this girl who had been viewing the sin nature as a core of bad that only I possessed, it was good news.

Through my conversations with him and with many other members of that precious church I began to grow. For the first time, I had the opportunity to discuss sermons over Sunday meals, and I began to see God differently. He no longer seemed distant, angry, and impossible to please. He was and is a relational God, loving with a love so radical it's unfathomable! I came to understand God had never said I had to be perfect to be loved by Him. The truth was that He had already demonstrated His love when I was yet deep in sin! He proved His love by sending His Son to take on my sin in His body and die in my place and then He rose again proving His payment was satisfactory. Then when I trusted Him, He imputed Jesus' righteousness to me--righteousness I could never achieve, righteousness that graciously reconciled me to Him, making it possible to approach Him as a beloved child, forever crying, " Abba!" Abba--such a intimate term--like Papa in our culture.

Overtime, I came to understand God had always loved me. He loved me in my most imperfect state. He loved me when my theology was based on misconceptions. He loved me when I messed up and sinned against Him. He loved me when others hurt me. He even loved me enough to pour out His blessings on me--blessings I couldn't earn, didn't deserve, and didn't always recognize at the time. Like the blessing of being taken across the country under silent protest to a little community with a small church with a great big heart and a Bible teaching pastor with a deep southern accent and a congregation full of people loving Jesus and loving God's Word so much, it was a part of everyday conversation. And those conversations were used by God to satisfy the deep thirst in my soul to know God and to be known by Him. It was in that knowing that I was set free from the false words I once believed were His, but were, in truth, words God had never spoke!

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Is Noise Killing our Relationships?

I've come to realize we live in a noisy world. When I actually listen, I hear the constant flow of traffic interlaced with sirens and an occasional speeder with revving engine and screeching tires. I also hear rumblings of distant trains, planes flying overhead, and lawn mowers. I hear the noise of concrete being both torn out and concrete being poured as streets are repaired. There's the sounds of a neighbor blasting two kinds of music at the same time with windows wide open--music that rattles windows and vibrates walls and causes hearts to thump. There is also the fun sounds of dogs playing, birds chirping, school bells ringing, and kids playing. There is other kinds of noise. I don't mean noise in the normal sense, I mean constant stimuli through TV, radio, social media, internet, video games, and printers running, computers humming, and telephones that clang, ding, and sing their various notifications.

Ironically, I've realized I have felt a bit disconnected from both God and from people. At first I dismissed this feeling of disconnection, after all don't I live in one of the most connected societies of all times? All I have to do is pick up a tablet, look at Facebook, read emails, or text and I am instantly connected. But, I am reminded that only 7 percent of what we comprehend in communication is through spoken words, the other 97% comes through body language, facial expressions, and the tone and inflections of voices. While I enjoy reading the words of encouraging friends, I realize that at times it is more satisfying to chat face-to-face, sharing at a heart level, laughing until the belly hurts, and crying until the tears are spent.

I've also get lost in reading negative comments, hateful posts, inflammatory accusations over social issues and elections, finding myself in a world of frustration, anger, hurt, or anxiety over words written by people I don't even know. At times I may need to be jolted out of complacency and comfort, but to be honest there are times I've spent so much time and emotional energy on social media that when my husband comes home or my kids stop by, I am too exhausted to stay present, to actively listen, to engage in conversation, or to encourage them.

I need to put some balance back in my life. I love social media and its pictures of friends and families near and far. I love the precious words posted by loved ones that gives me insight into how they think, feel, and dream. However, I need to guard against obsessively checking social media and allow ample time for eye-to-eye contact with the humans standing in front of me. I need to guard my heart against the hateful rambling of people hiding behind anonymity, choosing not to read the posts of those who rage when others own different opinions and perspectives on life, politics, and religion. I also want to guard my heart when other people's passions turn into a defensive posture looking for a fight, spewing harsh accusations and hate speech, encourage violence, or try to hold me responsible for the sins of others. I've realized the number of contradictory posts also create unneeded anxiety for this heart that desires to know truth.

Face-to-face interactions are beneficial because as we gaze into the eyes of another we can't forget they are a person with feelings and a complex intellect instead of seeing them only through a single post with which we may or may not agree. Face-to-face allows us to express concern, empathy, and care through body language and to see those same things in the eyes of another. That is where the connections of the heart--the connections that can satisfy this deep soul thirst with which we were born.

Sensory overload has also impacted my relationship with God. When I had five little kids in the home, I got up early when the house was quiet and had my coffee with God. I would read His Word, and then walk as I listened to praise music. On my walk I would pray about what I had read and share the deepest things of my heart with God and ask Him questions and sometimes just listen for His voice in my heart. I remember that time period as one in which I was very connected to God and growing in both knowledge of Him and understanding of His grace. The desire of my heart at that time was to learn to love well, to overcome the judgments I had used as self protection, and to be a giver of lavish grace.

Last week a conference speaker referenced 1 Kings 19, which is the story of Elijah, the prophet who was in his own words, "...jealous for the LORD, the God of hosts. For the people of Israel have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword, and I, even I only, am left, and they seek my life to take it away."  Elijah was suffering from the depression of let down that sometimes comes upon people fighting great spiritual battles. He longed for Israel to come back to the LORD and he is fearing His life because Israel is on a sinful path and killing God's prophets.

In the middle of Elijah's messy feelings, God instructed him to go and stand on the mountain before Him. The LORD passed by, "and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the Lord, but the LORD was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper." When Elijah heard the whisper he covered his face, because he recognized it as the voice of the LORD.

I realize I don't often allow myself to sit quietly to hear His whispering voice. It is drowned out by the constant "noise" around me. There were times I put on noise to keep the negative, fearful thoughts at bay. But the way to intimacy and closeness was to sit quietly and let the thoughts surface--yes, the thoughts so sinful I was ashamed, the thoughts seeped in unbelief that I don't want to admit were there, the thoughts selfish, unloving, and unbecoming a woman of God that caused me to cringe when they bubbled up. But it was that uncomfortable bubbling that allowed me to acknowledge and confessed them, which in turn shattered the barrier of pretense that stood between me and the God I wanted to know. Dissolving pretense melted the shame of not being who I wanted to be, allowing me to bask in a love steeped with grace.

Our relationship with God, like any other relationship, is nurtured through quiet moments of transparent sharing, confession, adoration, and a willingness to just sit and listen with one's heart. If we aren't careful, the ''noise" will kill even the desire to relate in person, leaving us sorely dissatisfied with what the media gives. Is the noise and constant stimulation impacting your relationships as it is mine?

I am committed to bringing more balance to my life so the "noise" can't drown out the still small voice of the LORD--the very voice that I long most to hear. Oh, how I long to be to the place that when I let my mind wander in the quiet, it consistently finds its way to God.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Finding Purpose in Pain

I was an adult when I realized there is purpose in pain. I first noticed it in the physical realm when one of our little ones had an ear infection. I picked him up from the church nursery and he was his usual cheerful self. But, then I noticed this ugly mess oozing from his ear. The doctor said the membrane holding his ear drum had ruptured and the infection was oozing from behind it. I told her I didn't even realize he was in pain and she said she believed me because his other ear was ready to rupture and most kids with ears like his were screaming in pain. Yet, he acted like he wasn't experiencing pain. I realized then that physical pain could be good. It can signal an infection or a wound that needs treatment. The pain of a slight cut can keep us from slicing off a whole finger and an irritated  eye can keep us from permanently damaging a cornea.

Over time I also came to realize emotional pain can also be good. I went through several years of recovery work for an eating disorder and during that time I visited many painful memories. As I journaled letters to God about pain uncovered, I realized the same God who had allowed the deep pain was the same God who was loving me with a love deep enough to heal it. I also learned a lot about my heart and my sin and my God in that place. Since that time I've reread many stories in the Bible and become more aware of the painful places in which the people lived and the began to look for His purpose in the pain they experienced.

For example, There was Sarai and Abram who suffered the heart-wrenching pain of infertility while living in the midst of a pagan culture that worshiped false gods of fertility. Even after God called them out and promised them a son, they lived with their pain of longing--longing so painful they devised plans to help God fulfill His promise. But God had them live in their place of longing until they fully believed God was who He said He was--the life-giving God, the Keeper of promises. At the right time God resurrected their aged bodies to conceive, carry, and nurse a tiny man child called, "Laughter." God wanted them to know Him and He wanted their hearts undivided. So, He had them sitting in the pain long enough for their unbelief  buried deep to bubble up, allowing a firm belief to take root. He had them sit in the pain long enough that His power could be displayed, proving stone-cold idols don't give life--He does!

And there was the deceiver, Jacob, who had to flee after his deceiving enraged his brother. God said his brother would serve him and, like Abram, Jacob wanted to help God make it happen. He ended up in a painful place, working for seven years for a bride he loved only to have his father-in-law give him a taste of deceit by substituting his older daughter as a bride. So, Jacob worked another seven years for the daughter he loved and another six for a flock to call his own while he lived in the messiness of a two wife family. The deceit he experienced was a mirror of his own deceitfulness, revealing to him the pain he inflicted on his brother. God let Jacob sit in that painful place, dealing with a difficult person to show him something about his sin and his heart and to prepare him for the long journey home. His painful place was not proof of God's desertion, it was proof of His love. God wanted him to experience the beauty that comes with humility. He wanted him to draw near to Him in faith, see that God could fulfill His Words without his help. God is good and it is His goodness that led Jacob to repent and in this case the goodness that would draw Jacob to His heart and the center of His will came in the form of the discomfort of seeing his sin mirrored.

And there was a lady I've come to love--the precious Samaritan lady Jesus met at the well. She was living in a pain-filled place, having been married five times and having each marriage end as she was dragged to the middle of town and declared unfit. Five times she'd been crushed by rejection and five times publicly labeled "not good enough." She'd was unable to live down her reputation and her loneliness ran deep, being ostracized by a community who judged her and made her the focus of gossip to deflect from shortcomings of their own. But Jesus sought her out at the right time when she was at the end of herself and the pain of her unmet needs ran so deep that she knew He and only He could meet her there.

I am thankful the Bible is honest about the stories people lived, especially the painful places in which they landed. The enemy wants us to believe pain is proof that God doesn't care. But, His Word shows repeatedly He sees us and He walks with us us through those tough places. He witnesses every tear spilled and every tear choked back. He's listening to every word cried out and every silent prayer our hearts can't find words to express. It is His goodness that allows us to come and to sit in the painful places--

    --places designed to expose unbelief and mature faith
    --places designed to allow His character and power to shine
    --places designed to expose and excise sin
    --places designed to bring us to the end of ourselves
    --places designed to surface longings etched deeply in hearts by God
    --places designed to show us the purpose of our pain
    --places designed to draw us to the center of His will and His heart.

Maybe one of the reasons God chose not to remove pain from this life is so that you and I can understand the love of God through the pain of the cross. It was at Calvary that Christ was beaten for us. It was at Calvary that He bore the shame for the sin we commit and the pain that that sin inflicts on Him and others. It was at Calvary that Christ died so that He could exchange our filthy rags for His righteousness. God is the author of redemption stories, not fairy tales. Every redemption story leads us back to Christ, where we have the joy of finding purpose in pain.


Tuesday, August 23, 2016

The Tendency to Judge

 One of the concepts in Scripture with which I have wrestled long and hard is the concept of judging. It is something we all do whether we admit it or not. We judge one product as being better than another. This kind of judgment can be beneficial and create accountability for companies to offer better products. As a boss we may judge one person as better than another when we compare the way they do their jobs. That can help a boss make decisions on who to promote or to hire the best person for a job. After all, what boss wouldn't wants to hire a person who demonstrates good performance, a strong work ethic, and a willingness to learn new things to help a company grow? We, as consumers, may also judge professionals. For example we may judge one doctor as better than another because he listens to his patients, is considerate of their time, and continuously makes wise decisions for them. We may judge others' words as either helpful and uplifting or as wounding and soul-crushing. These kinds of judgments help us foster relationships with those who are more nurturing and less apt to continuously hurt us. We may judge the actions of others and even ourselves as either good or bad. These kinds of judgments can be useful when they are aligned with Scripture to help us to choose not to sin. 

There are judgments that are not godly. John 7:24 says, "Do not judge by appearances, judge with right judgment." The judgments that are not godly are many. This can apply to how we look at situations, events, people, ourselves, and our relationships. We might judge a circumstance as bad, when really it is orchestrated by God; designed to mature us. Some judgments become ungodly when we choose to judge someone's heart and not value them as an image bearer because of external things we see--things like skin color, educational level, the part of town in which a person lives, a person's dress, they way they speak, the way they act, their religion or lack there of, or their denomination. Many of us even harshly judge ourselves.

I confess I have been one who judged other people and myself without even realizing it. I had to become more mindful of what was going on inside of me to realize I did it. I think the concept of judging first came up in a counselor's office when I expressed the anger and hurt I had been stuffing for years. In the beginning most of the anger and judgments were turned inward, judging myself so harshly that I silently screamed hateful names at myself--names I would never say to someone else--names that crushed my spirit far more than any other person had. I didn't like who I'd become. I didn't like how I related to others. And I hated myself because I couldn't change faster. I hated me for not being the perfect me I always envisioned me to be.

A few years ago I broke my knee and spent the night on a gurney in the emergency room. They were busy and didn't have a room for me so my gurney was pushed up against the wall between two doors. Late in the night my exhausted husband leaned his head against the gurney and nodded off. I couldn't sleep and it seemed like every nurse who entered one of the rooms near by bumped the gurney, increasing my pain. When my husband woke up, I told him I didn't understand how he could sleep with them bumping the gurney so hard. He looked puzzled and said he hadn't noticed them bumping it. I realized it was because I was already in pain that the bumps and brushes seemed bigger than they were. 

I also realized the way I perceived life, how much pain I emotionally experienced in the present, and how I related were greatly impacted by emotional wounds from my past that had never healed. We all get knocked around. Some are fortunate and able to express pain, have it acknowledged by others, and healed. But for many their emotional pain gets stuffed and remains unhealed, impacting them in such away they either overreact or under react to each new 'bump" experienced in the same way my husband and I perceived and reacted differently to the bumps experienced in the ER.   

As I faced past pain, I was able to grieve what I'd never grieved before--broken relationships, wounding actions of others, losses incurred through death, hurtful words that shaped my view of me, and the losses incurred as a result of an isolating eating disorder. I realized I'd dealt with life by denying the story I lived—the very story authored by God. As I began to come out of denial and accept the story God was writing, I learned to grieve and let go of pain of the past. It gave me insight as to why I reacted to life, people, God, and myself as I did. As I healed, I accepted myself without judgment and looked at myself with curiosity, allowing me to face sin graciously and grow faster than I did when I heaped harsh judgments on myself. Understanding myself helped me see why I have made choices I made, said the things I said, and did the things I did—the good, the bad, and the down right ugly. It, helped me reach a point I was able to be gracious to myself and as I’ve gained more compassion for myself, I dwelt less on my sin. When I gave up the self-contempt and confessed sin I was able to let go of shame and move past it more quickly. As I grieved and let go of emotional pain, I found the hurts of today more bearable. 

I also realized I was often confused by the way people acted or reacted. After being bumped on that gurney, I realize I didn’t understand because I didn’t know their stories. I didn't know the traumas they had endured that had shaped their view of themselves, others, God, and life. I didn't know the resources and support they had or didn't have to help them recover. I didn’t know about the biting words they heard that crushed their spirits and deflated their hope of being who God created them to be. I didn't know the history behind the different relationships they had that from the outside looked great, but grieved their hearts deeply. I didn't know about the losses they experienced and never grieved that created a relational starvation a long with an enormous fear of abandonment keeps them from what their heart desires. 

The sense of curiosity I've gained from counseling enabled me to not only be able to look at myself with curiosity, it enabled me to look at others with it, too. I want to know what makes them laugh, cry, cringe, scream, become angry, and love instead of assuming they are “crazy,” “immature,” or “bad.” I want to know how they view their Creator and what it would take for them to trust Him with their whole being. I'm less apt to judge their worth from the external and more apt to ask about their stories enabling me to learn what drives their decision making, their actions and their reactions, and what triggers their defenses or lowers them enough to allow one to peek inside. 

Letting go of wrong judgments enables me to love more like Jesus loved. It enables me to speak the truth more gently. It enables me to point someone toward a godlier path without triggering shame that could deepen the wounds their bear. I am much more apt to listen to someone's pain than to hand them empty platitudes that falsely imply they are less spiritual for struggling. 

Most importantly, I am honored when someone shares their story with me. Instead of judging them for how they have lived their story, I find myself thanking God that He has allowed me to be given the sacred trust of listening as I ask Him to give me the discernment to know when to be silent, when to speak, and what words would be honey to their wounded heart. Hopefully, God will continue to remind me that He is the only just judge and use me to encourage others when they need hope the most. 

The Tendency to Judge

 One of the concepts in Scripture with which I have wrestled long and hard is the concept of judging. It is something we all do whether we admit it or not. We judge one product as being better than another. This kind of judgment can be beneficial and create accountability for companies to offer better products. As a boss we may judge one person as better than another when we compare the way they do their jobs. That can help a boss make decisions on who to promote or to hire the best person for a job. After all, what boss wouldn't wants to hire a person who demonstrates good performance, a strong work ethic, and a willingness to learn new things to help a company grow? We, as consumers, may also judge professionals. For example we may judge one doctor as better than another because he listens to his patients, is considerate of their time, and continuously makes wise decisions for them. We may judge others' words as either helpful and uplifting or as wounding and soul-crushing. These kinds of judgments help us foster relationships with those who are more nurturing and less apt to continuously hurt us. We may judge the actions of others and even ourselves as either good or bad. These kinds of judgments can be useful when they are aligned with Scripture to help us to choose not to sin. 

There are judgments that are not godly. John 7:24 says, "Do not judge by appearances, judge with right judgment." The judgments that are not godly are many. This can apply to how we look at situations, events, people, ourselves, and our relationships. We might judge a circumstance as bad, when really it is orchestrated by God; designed to mature us. Some judgments become ungodly when we choose to judge someone's heart and not value them as an image bearer because of external things we see--things like skin color, educational level, the part of town in which a person lives, a person's dress, they way they speak, the way they act, their religion or lack there of, or their denomination. Many of us even harshly judge ourselves.

I confess I have been one who judged other people and myself without even realizing it. I had to become more mindful of what was going on inside of me to realize I did it. I think the concept of judging first came up in a counselor's office when I expressed the anger and hurt I had been stuffing for years. In the beginning most of the anger and judgments were turned inward, judging myself so harshly that I silently screamed hateful names at myself--names I would never say to someone else--names that crushed my spirit far more than any other person had. I didn't like who I'd become. I didn't like how I related to others. And I hated myself because I couldn't change faster. I hated me for not being the perfect me I always envisioned me to be.

A few years ago I broke my knee and spent the night on a gurney in the emergency room. They were busy and didn't have a room for me so my gurney was pushed up against the wall between two doors. Late in the night my exhausted husband leaned his head against the gurney and nodded off. I couldn't sleep and it seemed like every nurse who entered one of the rooms near by bumped the gurney, increasing my pain. When my husband woke up, I told him I didn't understand how he could sleep with them bumping the gurney so hard. He looked puzzled and said he hadn't noticed them bumping it. I realized it was because I was already in pain that the bumps and brushes seemed bigger than they were. 

I also realized the way I perceived life, how much pain I emotionally experienced in the present, and how I related were greatly impacted by emotional wounds from my past that had never healed. We all get knocked around. Some are fortunate and able to express pain, have it acknowledged by others, and healed. But for many their emotional pain gets stuffed and remains unhealed, impacting them in such away they either overreact or under react to each new 'bump" experienced in the same way my husband and I perceived and reacted differently to the bumps experienced in the ER.   

As I faced past pain, I was able to grieve what I'd never grieved before--broken relationships, wounding actions of others, losses incurred through death, hurtful words that shaped my view of me, and the losses incurred as a result of an isolating eating disorder. I realized I'd dealt with life by denying the story I lived—the very story authored by God. As I began to come out of denial and accept the story God was writing, I learned to grieve and let go of pain of the past. It gave me insight as to why I reacted to life, people, God, and myself as I did. As I healed, I accepted myself without judgment and looked at myself with curiosity, allowing me to face sin graciously and grow faster than I did when I heaped harsh judgments on myself. Understanding myself helped me see why I have made choices I made, said the things I said, and did the things I did—the good, the bad, and the down right ugly. It, helped me reach a point I was able to be gracious to myself and as I’ve gained more compassion for myself, I dwelt less on my sin. When I gave up the self-contempt and confessed sin I was able to let go of shame and move past it more quickly. As I grieved and let go of emotional pain, I found the hurts of today more bearable. 

I also realized I was often confused by the way people acted or reacted. After being bumped on that gurney, I realize I didn’t understand because I didn’t know their stories. I didn't know the traumas they had endured that had shaped their view of themselves, others, God, and life. I didn't know the resources and support they had or didn't have to help them recover. I didn’t know about the biting words they heard that crushed their spirits and deflated their hope of being who God created them to be. I didn't know the history behind the different relationships they had that from the outside looked great, but grieved their hearts deeply. I didn't know about the losses they experienced and never grieved that created a relational starvation a long with an enormous fear of abandonment keeps them from what their heart desires. 

The sense of curiosity I've gained from counseling enabled me to not only be able to look at myself with curiosity, it enabled me to look at others with it, too. I want to know what makes them laugh, cry, cringe, scream, become angry, and love instead of assuming they are “crazy,” “immature,” or “bad.” I want to know how they view their Creator and what it would take for them to trust Him with their whole being. I'm less apt to judge their worth from the external and more apt to ask about their stories enabling me to learn what drives their decision making, their actions and their reactions, and what triggers their defenses or lowers them enough to allow one to peek inside. 

Letting go of wrong judgments enables me to love more like Jesus loved. It enables me to speak the truth more gently. It enables me to point someone toward a godlier path without triggering shame that could deepen the wounds their bear. I am much more apt to listen to someone's pain than to hand them empty platitudes that falsely imply they are less spiritual for struggling. 

Most importantly, I am honored when someone shares their story with me. Instead of judging them for how they have lived their story, I find myself thanking God that He has allowed me to be given the sacred trust of listening as I ask Him to give me the discernment to know when to be silent, when to speak, and what words would be honey to their wounded heart. Hopefully, God will continue to remind me that He is the only just judge and use me to encourage others when they need hope the most. 

Introduction

Several years ago I realized that I often sped through my Scripture reading and gave it little thought. Yet, when I had meaningful conversations with friends or family members I replayed them over and over in my head. One day it occurred to me, that if I thought more about what God says in his word that I would not only know more about Him, but I would come to know Him in a personal way. I would know more about His thoughts, His character, His intentions, His passions, and His actions. So, I began to take one verse at a time and think on it and then journal about it. At the time I was served as a volunteer in youth ministry and shared my “Thoughts on God” with those girls. For a while I have been rewriting and posting them on this blog. I have realized when I am in the Word or move through my day focusing on God's presence that I have wonderful opportunities to Meet God in the Everyday. The Everyday can include storms, blessings, hard things, scary things, exciting things...just any where, anyplace, any time. I hope that you will be able to engage with what I write with both your head and your heart. I also hope you will be challenged to love, trust, and know the God of the Scriptures. It is my prayer that as you read you will experience Him at a deeper level and share pieces of your journey in the comments. It is my desire that we form a safe community of believers who pursue the God who loves us radically, eternally, and without reserve. As a precious pastor once told me, "Don't forget, Wendy, God is Good!" I find myself compelled by His Goodness and His Love to share so others can know Him through all the ups and downs of life. Please feel free to dialogue back and to share how each passage impacts you. If if there is a passage you would like me to write on or if you would like to be a guest blogger, please let me know. I am just learning to navigate this blog and appreciate the kind comments you have made in the past...I promise I will even try to respond if you leave a note. If you are blessed please share the blog with friends!