Wednesday, May 26, 2021

Why do we Judge Emotions so Harshly?

A friend recently posted that his daughter had to go back into the hospital and as a result he was experiencing some anxiety, My heart cringed when I read his post because it read like a confession, and I drew the conclusion that he thought the anxiety he was experiencing was a sin. I thought back to other similar posts and conversations I have had with people over the years who felt guilty because they, too, experienced uncomfortable emotions like fear, jealousy, anxiety, sadness, grief, or anger during difficult circumstances, on going trials, hurtful relationships, huge losses, traumatic events. Their guilt is conveyed through statements like: "I know I shouldn't feel this way," "I know I should be over this by now." "I know what I am feeling is wrong." 

There are several reasons we tend to judge emotions or the people who experience them so harshly. First, our western culture tends to down play the importance of the emotions we experience. From early childhood on, we are told things like: "Oh, don't feel that way." "Oh, don't cry, just think happy thoughts!" "It's time to move on." Isn't it weird that we can bury parents, spouses, siblings, children, or best friends and then be expected to be "fine," feel happy, and go back to work asap. When we experience trauma's like rape, domestic abuse, and betrayal, everyone wants us to pick ourselves up by the proverbial boot straps, forgive, and move on as if nothing happened. It doesn't matter how big the losses, the trials, the hurt, or the trauma we are often admonished for the emotions we experience, causing us to experience guilt that comes when we have emotions lying just beneath the surface that we are expending enormous amounts of energy to push down. 

Second, many churches demonize the uncomfortable emotions we tend to view as negative ones. These are emotions for which people are most often shamed. I have heard pastors even say things like, "We confess our sin, ungodly words, unkind actions, and feelings to you." I have heard people shamed in Christian circles for sharing they are experiencing fear in the face of a cancer diagnosis, grief a week after they buried a loved one, anxiety after someone broke into their home, anger experienced over the abuse of their child, hurt experienced in the betrayal of a spouse, or disappointment as dreams go  unfulfilled due to infertility, job losses, broken relationships, or accidents or illnesses that leave us struggling. The shaming statements come in the form of: "Haven't you ever heard of forgiveness." "Good Christians don't feel anxious." "If I weren't so controlled by the Holy Spirit, I would be crying, too." "Christians are supposed to be joyful!" "Fear is wrong!" "If you trusted God more you wouldn't feel that way."   

 We, as humans created in the image of God, would do well to understand an emotion is simply a chemical reaction to an external stimulus designed to be messengers that can help us navigate life. For example, fear can tell us we are in danger and need to take action, freeze, or flee. Anger can tell us something harmful is in a relationship and needs attention to safeguard the relationship. Grief can tell us how much we love and /or value God, people, things, dreams, or concepts. Loneliness can tell us we need to reach out to others. Jealousy can motivate us to put boundaries in place and do the work necessary to safeguard our marriage. 

It is also important to know the experience of an emotion is neither good or bad, it just is. However,  since the fall, we have the tendency to misuse, misinterpret, and over think the emotions we experience. If an emotion rises and we simply observe it it will wash over us and quickly dissipate. But we often view an precipitating even through distorted lenses that cause us to magnify it or minimize the experience or compound it assumptions or with a ton of guilt. The experience of an emotion is not a sin, but the we use distorted thinking to interpret them and fuel them may lead us to sin.  

It also is important to know the Enemy is continuously prowling around seeking who he can destroy. He is not a gentleman who sees us go through trauma, broken relationships, disappointments and thinks, "Poor thing, I will let her recover from this before I tempt or taunt her." Nope, he goes for broke, planting his lies and half truths in our minds when we are most vulnerable."   

As I read through the Scriptures, I often wonder what the enemy was saying to people and what emotions were evoked. We know what Adam and Eve heard from the Enemy and I believe his words stirred dissatisfaction in their souls. That feeling didn't become sin, until they chose to eat and seek something apart from their God. They could have taken that dissatisfaction and the lies they were being to the Lord and worked through it with Him. That would have reminded them that the satisfaction they felt in God's presence was enough. 

In the same way Cain's jealousy could have driven him to obey God's directive for worship the way Abel did so he might the same intimacy with God Abel had.   

Twelve spies went to scout the Promise Land and saw a land flowing with milk and honey. They also men who were as big as giants. I bet all twelve felt an initial jolt of fear when they saw the men. In this case God had given them specific instructions and promised He would deliver the land to them. Ten forgot God and His promise as they nursed their fear and refused to enter the land and got the whole nation to agree with them. But there were two who remembered God and His promises and believed God would go before them and fight on their behalf, they tried to get people to follow them in, but no one would go. In the face of our emotions God can grant us godly wisdom to know when fear is legitimate and needs to be honored and listened to, when it is irrational and to be reframed through Truth, or when it is rational but something to be worked through fostering the growth of courage which enables us to do what God has instructed us to do in His strength.

The story of Naomi and Ruth gives us great insight in how two people can experience great losses and respond so differently to grief. Naomi, as a lifelong Jew, seemed to believe if people are good, they are blessed and protected from hard things. She feels deserted by God when she loses her husband and both of her sons. Her daughter-in-law, Ruth, new to the faith didn't have those misconceptions and she leaned into God and leaned into love and had compassion for Naomi and walked her home, embracing Naomi's God with all that she was. She then walked in faith into a loving relationship with a man whose own mother had been a foreigner, placing her into the direct, lineage of Christ. Later on we see Mary and Martha tale their grief over losing Lazarus directly to Jesus and he didn't reject them. They poured their hearts out to them and He wept with them. 

We can look through Scriptures and see that Deuteronomy describes God as a jealous God, We also see that Jesus experienced frustration and/or irritation as the Sons of Thunder vied for the right to sit at His hand the ire He experienced motivated Him to confront them. When Jesus drew near to Jerusalem, He wept over it, saying, "Would that you, even  you, had know on this day the things that make for peace! But now they are hidden from your eyes!" And as Jesus entered the Garden of Gethsemane to pray he said to His disciples, "My soul is very sorrowful, even to death!" 

So, maybe instead of judging others or ourselves for the emotions we experience we should be curious about them. What has triggered the emotions we feel? Is the emotion rational or irrational? Is it magnified by hyper-focus or minimized by denial? What does the emotion tell us about our hearts, attitudes, and beliefs and do any of these need correction? Am I looking at the triggering events or people through Scriptural lenses? Am I letting my emotions drive me to my knees and the heart of my God or am I listening to the Enemy and running away? Is there something in another's story that will help me understand, validate, and empathize with their experience and how can I participate in walking them back into the Savior's arms? 

Some of the deepest intimacy I've experienced with God occurred when I was radically honest with God about the emotions I was experiencing. When I was honest about the raging anger inside over the abuse I had experienced, He took me to the pain running under the anger and showed me His love was big enough to heal it. When I feared the potential loss of my two and a half pound granddaughter and cried out daily on her behalf, He was the source of peace that saw me through the emotional roller coaster ride that comes with loving a premie and her parents and feeling powerless to help. When I got honest with God about the fears I experienced when our sons went to war, I woke up daily wanting to talk to Him about them. living in the awe of the fact that prayers on this side of the world were being answered on the other side. By letting go of the tendency to harshly judge emotions and the people who have them we could form deeper heart connections that satisfy our souls and strengthen our faith. 


Thursday, May 13, 2021

How do you Measure God's Love?

I recently viewed a clip advertising a sermon in which a pastor asked, "How do you  measure God's love?" The question stirred my heart and lead me to reflect on how I have measured  God's love over the years. I must admit that there were were different times that I doubted God's love a lot. There were several different reasons for the doubt I had. 

First, some of the doubt was connected to traumatic events I had experienced. At the time of these doubts I believed God would want to protect someone He loved and yet there were several times I experienced trauma from which He didn't protect me.  

There were times that I doubted God's love because I had prayed important prayers and God did not answer with a "yes" or "no." Instead, He seemed to go silent at the times I believed I needed Him the most. Sometimes those prayers were about difficult situations I was facing, sometimes they were about the hurt a loved one was experiencing, or they were about very difficult relationships I had and I  begged God to resolve or to heal and the silence along with the hurt seemed to never end.  

There were other times I believed God loved me a little, but not as much as He loved others. At the time I had a habit of comparing my life and how God worked in it to the lives of others and to the way He worked in their circumstances. I also compared the blessings I noticed God bestowing on others, but not on me. Of course I realize now that I didn't really understand a lot about God and how He relates to His people. Because of that I had developed a nice neat little box that I tried to put God in. Now, I am so thankful that He refused to operate in the limited way I thought He should. 

There was also a period of time in which the Enemy had convinced me I was unloved and unlovable. He whispered that in my mind every chance He got and over time that belief became a stronghold in my life and skewed my ability to see and recognize God's love, His blessings, and His continual work in my life.

Several years ago I heard a sermon on loving God with all of our heart, soul, and mind, I asked God to teach me how to do that and for the next year He bombarded me with sermons, music, and unsolicited notes of encouragement all speaking to the radical love God had for me. Towards the end of that year I realized I would never be able to love God the way I wanted to without believing in His immeasurable love for me. 

Not long after that I was struggling with a besetting sin and was so discouraged. I confessed that sin and remember saying something like, "Lord, I want to get rid of this sin so that you can really love me!" As I was walking and praying I was listening to Christian music and a song about the cross started playing and in my mind I saw Jesus hanging on the cross with my sins etched into His skin. My eyes filled with tears and I glanced up at His face, expecting to see the same condemnation I was feeling towards myself. But instead I saw love and compassion in His eyes. That was when the truth of Romans 5:8 moved from my head to my heart. "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." 

I began to understand that the measure of God's love wasn't found in His protection from the hard we experience in this fallen world I so badly wanted to be paradise. It wasn't found in the timeliness of answered prayers as the waits themselves were an invitation to keep pouring my heart out to Him. The measure of God's love wasn't even in what I perceived as blessings at the time. For I have since learned that there is as much blessings in the wait as there is in the prayers that are answered with a "yes" or a "no." I have also learned that blessings come in many forms. They can be material, they can be relational. They can be timely words spoken that are like honey to a hungry soul. They can be loving confrontations that redirect me back to the path that God has laid out for me. They can be the Lord's words, jumping from the page to my heart in His perfect timing. They can be prayers answered yes, prayers answered no, and they can be prayers that are met with God's silence--a silence that drives me to my knees and into deeper trust with Him.  

The measure of God love was, is, and always will be the cross. While I was His enemy, steeped in sin, selfish, and unloving, He sacrificed His life, taking my, rebellion, and selfish ways in His flesh so that  He could impute to me His righteousness. When I understood that truth, it totally changed how I viewed my my relationship with God. I no longer spent enormous amounts of  energy trying to measure or to earn God's love. Instead, I started looking for Him and His love in every situation I encounter. If it is a happy situation I find that He is there in the midst of it celebrating with me. If it is a hard and painful situation I find Him there with me, revealing more about Himself to me and He walks me through the hard. If it is a trying time, He is there lovingly stretching me so I can walk through it with my faith strengthened, my sinful parts exposed and whittled, and my my character molded to be more like Him. 

Can I encourage you today to honestly look at your thoughts, actions, and reactions to life? Then ask yourself what these things reveal to you about how you are measuring God's love. If you have distanced yourself from God, it could be a sign that you are measuring His love by a faulty measuring stick. Acknowledge the disappoints and pain you have experienced and express to Him the confusion you may have over unanswered prayers and then camp on Romans 5:8 and let the truth of it sink into your heart. Then you can view those things through the truth of a Heart-shaped lens, which will free you to live loved. 

Sunday, May 9, 2021

When Mother's Day is Hard

There are times that holidays like Mother's day are hard. I remember the sadness I experienced on Mother's Day after moving across the country. I was so used to spending it with my mom and I found myself overwhelmed and lonely in a new place. I felt a sense of loss even though she was still alive. 

When I became a mom, my husband did his best to make it special, so I hid the sadness I experienced being so far away from my mom. It was years later that I faced the holiday with my Mom truly gone. It hurt as I realized I would  no longer be able to hear her voice, buy her a card, or send her flowers. I was a bit more prepared because I had some friends who had shared the grief they experienced with me on Mother's Day. They had lost their mothers so early in life. Sadly, some of them were so young they had to tell teachers they didn't want to make a card because they didn't have a mom. They felt different and hated feeling that way. 

This morning I still feel a sense of loss, especially since my sister passed away yesterday. My grief carries with it a feeling of compassion because of the painful stories others have shared with me and it drives me to my knees as God is the only one that can help those who hurt. 

I pray for those for whom this holiday stirs up longings for relationships with moms that they know will never be fulfilled. It doesn't matter if their moms have died, if their moms have abandoned them, if their moms are too dysfunctional to relate to them in healthy ways, or if their moms betrayed them and didn't protect them. The pain of longing they feel is a pain that runs so deep. Some long to hear their mothers' voices speak words of affirmation, knowing they know most likely will never be spoken. Some long to hear much needed apologies for harsh words spoken in fits of rage, for loving so poorly, for failing to protect, or for leaving when life got hard. Some are longing for one more bear hug or for the hugs that will never be given. Some long for one more conversation or long for a conversation they know they will never have. Some long to hear their moms' laugh again or are left wondering what their laughs would have sounded like had depression not stolen them. Some long to hear their moms say they understand, realizing their moms won't hear their words and respect their perspectives. Some long to have moms who would have protected them from perpetrators instead of choosing to protect their family's reputations, their church, or the delusion that their families were healthy and happy. Some long for moms who were  stable enough to calm fears instead of being the source of the fears. 

I pray for those whose hearts feel empty on this Mother's Day. Maybe it is because they can't remember a time that they didn't long for a child and live with the realization they will never conceive. Their hearts grieve monthly, but even more on this day. They hurt not only for the unfulfilled longing, but because of the lack of empathy and the people who tell them to get over their grief or who admonish them to trust God more. What do they do with the longing the Creator has written on their hearts?

I pray for the ladies who were able to conceive but who lost children before they could breath their first breath. They grieve the loss of the baby they wanted but will never get to hold. And they grieve the loss of hopes and expectations they had for their child and themselves as parents. Many suffer in silence because those around them didn't recognize their loss and  those that did are impatient with the grief they express. 

I pray for the moms whose memories include abortion. No matter what their reasons were, they were deceived into believing it would make life easier. Yet, every year they remember and feel the loss that is shrouded in shame. They find themselves wondering about the child whose life ended because of the choices they made. I am thankful for those who have experienced God's grace and have been given a safe place to grieve and repent. And I pray for those who haven't repented, hoping they will do so, so they can freely grieve and confess the decision they made and learn to cling to the assurance of a heavenly reunion.

I pray for the moms who were fortunate enough to birth children and enjoy them for a season only to lose them way too soon. They have walked a grieving journey many of us will never walk. When this day rolls around, their hearts are both heavy and thankful as they remember past Mother's Days filled with and hand made cards, expressing  childish sentiments. Even those with other children are painfully aware of the empty chair at the table. 

I pray for the moms who have children who are incarcerated or who have run away. The shame of wondering where they went wrong is sometimes too much to bear. The worry that comes from wondering if children are alive, safe, cold, hungry, or in harm's way is constant. They not only grieve the choices made by their children, they grieve the holes left in their family and the dashed hopes they once held dear for their kids.

I also pray for the moms and the children who lost their relationship through suicide. That death is a hard one to grieve because of all the unasked and unanswered questions. "Was it my fault?" "Could I have prevented it?" "Why did they want to die?" "Why did they prefer death over life?" "What signs did I miss?"

One of my friends suddenly lost her mom several years ago in a tragic accident. She has shared that on the Saturday before Mother's day, she takes time to acknowledge, remember, and grieve the losses she experiences because of her mom's death--losses like her children never getting to know their grandmother, the words and notes of affirmation her mom was so good at giving, the godly wisdom she shared, and the hours she knew her mom was on her knees praying for her and her siblings. Setting this day apart for remembering her mom, has helped her be able to stay present with her kids and enjoy her mother's day. 

I don't share this post to take away the celebration of this holiday as it's a holiday that deserves to be recognized, honored, and celebrated! My goal is simply to remind us that it is not always easy for others. I hope we can be empathetic and gracious as we rub shoulders with those whose experience today is not one of joy. Empathy might mean writing a note to a friend struggling with infertility. It might mean planting a rose bush with someone who's lost a child or a mom. It might mean having coffee with a friend and allowing her to talk about her loss without admonishing her to move on. It might mean doing something creative with a friend who has suffered a loss and wants to bless another. It might mean having lunch with someone spending their first Mother's Day alone, reminding them through your presence that you remember their loss with them. It might mean being willing to listen to a process letter written to a mother who was absent, distracted, unloving, or abusive and then helping them figure out ways to release the pain they feel and to forgive at a deeper level. The possibilities are endless, for when Mother's Day is hard, it offers us so many opportunities to love those who hurt in tangible ways.

 

Introduction

Several years ago I realized that I often sped through my Scripture reading and gave it little thought. Yet, when I had meaningful conversations with friends or family members I replayed them over and over in my head. One day it occurred to me, that if I thought more about what God says in his word that I would not only know more about Him, but I would come to know Him in a personal way. I would know more about His thoughts, His character, His intentions, His passions, and His actions. So, I began to take one verse at a time and think on it and then journal about it. At the time I was served as a volunteer in youth ministry and shared my “Thoughts on God” with those girls. For a while I have been rewriting and posting them on this blog. I have realized when I am in the Word or move through my day focusing on God's presence that I have wonderful opportunities to Meet God in the Everyday. The Everyday can include storms, blessings, hard things, scary things, exciting things...just any where, anyplace, any time. I hope that you will be able to engage with what I write with both your head and your heart. I also hope you will be challenged to love, trust, and know the God of the Scriptures. It is my prayer that as you read you will experience Him at a deeper level and share pieces of your journey in the comments. It is my desire that we form a safe community of believers who pursue the God who loves us radically, eternally, and without reserve. As a precious pastor once told me, "Don't forget, Wendy, God is Good!" I find myself compelled by His Goodness and His Love to share so others can know Him through all the ups and downs of life. Please feel free to dialogue back and to share how each passage impacts you. If if there is a passage you would like me to write on or if you would like to be a guest blogger, please let me know. I am just learning to navigate this blog and appreciate the kind comments you have made in the past...I promise I will even try to respond if you leave a note. If you are blessed please share the blog with friends!