Who is Sitting at your Table?

Sixteen years ago I was in a lot of emotional pain as I was participating in an abuse group similar to the Passionate Heart Groups at our church. Shortly after the group ended in the fall, I was in an accident and suffered a severely broken ankle that left me housebound for a year. During that year I had a dream in which every woman I passed on the street had no mouth and dead, haunted eyes. I woke up crying and I pleaded with God to give women their voices. Soon after Jesus gave me the desire to write Growing a Passionate Heart and instilled in me a vision for the ministry of which I am apart. And, it is not a surprise that it is a ministry that God uses to not only help women find their voices but help and healing as well. 

Women often come into our groups looking for quick fixes for traumatic wounds, emotional pain, eating disorders, and relational problems. But, instead we ask them to do a lot of hard work and walk them through processes in which they uncover, examine, and clean emotional wounds so that they can heal. They often discover their pain began early in life when they experienced abuse, rejection, harsh criticism, emotional or physical abandonment, or grew up in the chaos of having parents struggling with addictions or mental illness. And, sadly many come to realize rape, incest, and molestation aren't just words to forgive, but deeply wounding actions that impacted every part of their lives. 

Over time, our ladies begin to understand the truth that Jesus understands what they have been through. He understands because He lived in a fallen world and was abused and wounded by people who should have loved Him. He understands because He endured beatings that left Him unrecognizable and experienced rejection by those He came to save. He understands because He went through pain similar to theirs, having been stripped and hung naked and exposed on the cross where He bore the blame for things He didn't do. He understands because He was abandoned and left to bear the painful consequences of others’ sin. He understands because He was perceived as crazy and demon possessed. He even felt forsaken by God as He cried out, “MY GOD, MY GOD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?” Over time our ladies come to understand Christ hanging on the cross is the proof they need that God cares and deals with the evil that exists in this world! For in a very public arena, Jesus bore sin and shame in His body. He was innocent, yet wounded and chastised for sin, dying a very violent death. 

The end of group is always hard for leaders because they will no longer be there on a weekly basis to remind ladies of the truths they learned in group. As I was writing this years graduation talk I watched a sermon on line given by Louis Giglio at Liberty University. The sermon was on Psalm 23:8, “You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.” I realized our leaders worry that some of their ladies will faulter because they will forget that since the fall humans, who were created for paradise living, are living inbetween Eden and Heaven, sharing space with a very real Enemy and his cohorts. The Word tells us clearly that Satan was defeated on the cross, but we know the Serpent is still writhing and seeking whom He can destroy with his lies. Because he is evil, he goes after those made vulnerable by loss, by trauma, by abuse, by catastrophes, and by moral failures and speaks ugly lies into their vulnerable minds--lies meant to destroy both the person and their relationship with God. 

I loved the picture Giglio presented in his talk. God has prepared us a table not away from the enemy, but in the presence of him. But, we sometimes fail to remember we have the power and authority to choose who sits at our table. As a believer, imagine you are sitting at your beautifully decorated table with the Lord and engaging with Him as you read His Word, pray, meditate on His Truth, trust Him, and obey Him. As you engage with Jesus, He reminds you of His Holiness, His goodness, His power, His faithfulness, and His great love. He reminds you that He has redeemed you, that He has reconciled you to Himself, that He has chosen you, and that He has fully accepted you based on your faith in Him. He also reminds you that you are beautiful, loved, treasured, a part of a royal priesthood, an ambassador whose real home is heaven, and His adopted daughter with the full rights of sonship. He reminds you that the Holy Spirit empowers, comforts, and calls to mind all that you need for living the live to which He has called you. He reminds you the Spirit has also given you spiritual gifts that enable you to build up the body of Christ. When you are fully engaging with Christ, the Enemy maybe hovering over your table, but you don’t even notice him. 

But, when you get triggered, succumb to temptation, are realing from a painful traumatic event, or simply ignore Jesus, Satan sees it as his opportunity to pull up a chair and plop down at your table. Sometimes, you recognize the Enemy for who he is and tell him he is not welcome at your table. But, there are other times the Enemy speaks a lie or a half truth that resonates so much with what you are already thinking or feeling that you get hooked and begin to pay attention to him. Before long your have turned your chair away from the Lord and towards the Enemy. You begin to fully engaged with the Enemy, buying into one ugly lie after another. Before you know it, you've forgotten the Lord who is sitting at your table and you are chewing on Satan's lies. You know those lies. You are ugly. You are fat. You are a failure. You are unloved. You are unwanted. You are too broken. You are too much. You are not enough. You are nothing but damaged goods. You deserve to be battered. You are weak. You are invisible. You don’t deserve God’s forgiveness. You deserved the abuse you experienced. Something in you caused the man to do those vile things. Everything wrong is your fault. You are responsible for everyone’s happiness. And the ugliest lie of all--Jesus didn’t really love you, what you experienced has proven that.

All the while Jesus is still sitting at your table, you have just turned your attention to the Enemy. The Lord gently nudges you, but you ignore Him because you are so filled with confusion, shame, pain, and anger. After a moment or two, an hour or two, a day or two, a week or two, a month or two, or a year or two or maybe more, you realize you have been listening to the Enemy and have given him power over you. Then the Spirit within you or maybe someone you know reminds you that you can have the authority to take back your power. And, you yell, “STOP, LEAVE!” You turn back to the Lord who never left and reengage with Him, hanging on to His truth and begin, once again, to live out your faith. It sounds easy, but it isn't. When there is trauma those lies Satan uses are deeply embedded into our core. To overcome them, we must change our core by constantly taking our thoughts captive to God's truth and that is a 24-7 job. 

So, who is sitting at your table? To whose voice are you listening? I can tell you God’s voice isn’t a condemning one, that is the Enemy’s. We would do well to remember, as believers, we get to decide who sits at our table. Fear, insecurity, lack of peace, condemnation, bitterness, the ugly things we think about ourselves, and the paranoid things we think about others--these are all things that indicate we have let the enemy sit down at our tables. We, as believers, have One who is dwelling in us who is more powerful than the Enemy and He gives us the power and authority to tell the Enemy to leave and allows us to redirect our focus back on the ever present, ever loving Jesus so we can enjoy Him and experience His peace, His love, and His healing power.    

  

This is War!

We sang This is War, by Dustin Kensrue in church this week. I had never heard the song before and as we started singing the first stanza, I wondered why we were singing it during the Christmas season. The beginning, beautiful as it is, sounded like anything but a Christmas song. 

          This is war like you ain't seen.

          This winter's long, it's cold and mean.

With hangdog hearts we stood condemned.

But the tide turns at Bethlehem.

Oh, the last line of that stanza grabbed my heart and turned it toward Christmas. It introduced what was meant by the words, "This is war." The next stanzas explain it's classification as a Christmas song: 

This is war and born tonight,

The Word as flesh, The Lord of Light,

The Son of God, the low-born King;

Who demons fear, of whom angels sing. 

This is war on sin and death;

The dark will take its final breath.

It shakes the earth, confounds all plans: 

The mystery of God as man. 

As we sang, I began to think about God's story. The war on sin and death was declared long before the baby Jesus was born. It was declared in Eden when God came to Adam and Eve after they sinned. I've always heard the consequences God gave the couple and the Serpent referred to as curses. But what a different tone the story takes when we read it as a declaration of war against sin and death. 

It was a war that began long ago in the heavenly realm when Satan rebelled against God. It was a war man was unwittingly drawn into as the couple listened to the Serpent's voice. It was a war that was won in the mystery of God as man. It is a war that is still being played out in our lives every single day as the enemy continues to try to thwart God's plan. The Christmas story is important because without the little Babe, we would not have had a Kinsman Redeemer who laid down His life to bear God's wrath for our sin. I think there is a whole lot more to the war than this song states. 

It is not only a war on sin, it is a war on our inborn tendencies to do wrong, to become enslaved to sin, to go our own way, and to put our will and our fleshly desires above our Creator's. The war is won for each of us as we humble ourselves, recognizing our depravity against the backdrop of God's holiness. It is won as we come to the end of ourselves and come to Jesus and His finished work by faith. It is won because we have the ability in Christ to refuse to submit to the yoke of slavery again. 

It is a war on death. When we come to Christ by faith, our dead spirits are raised to life and we are given the capacity to see and understand great spiritual truths and given the chance to relate to our God freely. And when He comes back, those who are His will not see death and those who have died in the faith will be raised to life again. Death no longer has a sting for the believer. 

It is a war on the Evil One and his dark forces. Colossians 2:15 tells us, "He disarmed the rulers and authorities and put them to open shame by triumphing over them." One of the youth pastors I served under used to say, The only power the enemy has is a lie." We can choose not to believe the lie. 

It is a war on our unhealed wounds. I serve wounded women who often come to us feeling angry and abandoned by God. I witness them come to trust Him when they meditate on Isaiah 53. Jesus was despised and rejected as many of them have been. The God-man experienced sorrow and grief just like they have. He was one from whom men hid their faces, which speaks to those who cried for help and had people turn their faces away, pretending not to hear. Just as some have carried the grief and sorrows of their families, they are touched when they realize Jesus has carried theirs. Just as people have viewed them as stricken and smitten by God because of the abuses they endured, they realize Jesus understands as people of Jesus day viewed him the same way. He was pierced, crushed, oppressed, afflicted, misjudged, and chastised as He paid for sin He didn't commit. By coming to understand the depth of the wounding of the Savior who loves them, they realize suffering can serve noble purposes and they come to trust Him with the deep wounds only He can heal. They realize He is their in their suffering and they hold on to the truth that suffering is only for a season.  

It is a war on the powerlessness we feel as a result of our weaknesses. We are strengthened with  power through His Spirit that resides in our inner being (Eph. 2:15 and Col. 1:11). Because of this, the mom who sits beside her suffering child's hospital bed can live with gratitude and hope. Because of this, the person living with chronic pain can bless the lives of those who come to minister to her. Because of this, the woman who just buried her husband can rise up out of her bed of grief and love her little ones well. Because of this, those who have suffered multiple trauma's at the hands of abusers and shooters can still rise up and say, "I will not live in fear." 

It is a war on broken relationships as He is our peace and has made us one by breaking down dividing wall of hostility (Eph. 2:14). Because of this, couples can thrive as they allow God to repair their broken marriages. Friendships can endure the thoughtless actions and hurtful words of people still learning to love well. Women can forgive and move past horrendous betrayals of fathers who groomed them to abuse and then cast the shame of their actions on them. And, people of all races can come together, casting aside their preconceived prejudices to love one another well as they lift  voices in one accord to worship the King.   

It is a war on alienation from God. For as we are rooted and grounded in love, we are adopted into His family and are given the strength to comprehend the richness of Christ's love and to be filled with the fullness of God. If our roots go deep, there is nothing that can come against us that will cause us to doubt the Lord's love. (Gal. 4:5, Eph. 1:5, Eph. 2:18-19).

It is a war on anxiousness for the Lord is ever near. We now have direct access to Him through prayer and can cast all of our cares on Him, knowing He cares for us and that He is the source of the peace that surpasses understanding. That is how President Bush could tell his family he did not fear death. That is why first responders and soldiers can run into the face of danger as the rest of us flee. That is why in this unstable world that is marred by sin, catastrophic natural disasters, and horrible crime, we can still lay down and sleep a peaceful sleep. 

It is a war on shame--that toxic emotion, telling us we are not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough and too much to be truly loved. It is that emotion that comes from unresolved guilt and the lies the enemy whispers in the aftermath of a failure or a trauma. Because of the work of Jesus, the Lord clothes us with garments of salvation: and He covers us our unrighteousness with robes of righteousness. Instead of shame we receive His blessing. Instead of dishonor He gives us everlasting joy. 

The war declared in Eden had promises of redemption and victory strewn throughout the Old Testament. The war commenced when Mary carried and birthed the baby who was God incarnate. The war was ultimately won in Gethsemane when Jesus set His will to lay down His life on the cross that the Father had set before Him. 

Oh, we struggle and often live as if the battle has not been won as we are waiting for Jesus to return and bind the Enemy. As we wait the enemy and his cohorts relentlessly whisper insidious lies about God, our loved ones, and us in our ears. We must remember the only power they have is in their lies and we can take their power away by destroying arguments and lofty opinions raised against the knowledge of God and by taking every thought captive to God's truth as we set our wills to obey Christ. 

You and I can walk in the Lord's victory when we remember God is ever present and knows just what it takes for us to be transformed into the people He created us to be. We walk in His victory as we remember we are never alone, never helpless, never hopeless, and never invisible. For, we are His beloved children, bought with His blood, set free by faith in Him, sealed by the Spirit, and given truth and power to navigate this life until He returns. The war. The war has been won.   

  

Know your Enemy

I am currently working through Priscilla Shirer's Bible study, The Armor of God. She gives a lot good things to chew on. Her first chapter is called "Sizing up the Enemy." I love this as we tend to either totally discount the Enemy's presence and activity in our lives or we tend to ascribe to him way more power and control than he actually has. We also fail to remember in the midst of the messy that "Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places." (Ephesians 6:12) This verse indicates that everything occurring in our lives is directly connected to a spiritual battle being fought in the heavenly realm. The misunderstandings we have had with our spouses this week, the rebellious attitudes and choices our teenagers are making, the bullies attacking our children on the playground, the pornography and perversion of God's plan for sex infiltrating our homes through the internet, the bosses wielding power in ungodly and harmful ways, those ugly conflicts at church that never seem to end, the political wars currently being waged--the Enemy is behind them all. To live victoriously, we need to take the time to understand the Enemy, not so that we will obsessively focus on him, but so that we will recognize him when he comes against us. 

First, we must understand what the Enemy is not. He is not God's equal. That means he is not infinite, he is a created being who had a beginning and whose end is foretold in Scripture. He is not all knowing, his knowledge of us is limited to what he observes in us. He is not all powerful, the only power he has is getting us to believe his lies and half truths. He is not immutable, he changed from being an angel passionately serving God to being an enemy passionately coming against God and His people. He is not omnipresent, he can only be in one place at a time and depends on other fallen angels to do his dirty work. He does not have the perfect, unchanging wisdom God has, as by the fact that his rebellion results in his demise, not life. He is not faithful, he betrayed God and he tempts us to sin, then condemning us while he fails to fulfill his promises of satisfaction and happiness. He is not good as his thoughts and actions are driven by pride and hatred. He is not full of mercy or grace, distorting God's image and His redemptive plan. He is not self-sufficient, he is alive only because God is allowing him to live for a season. He is not loving, holy, or righteous in character, words, or deeds, every intention of his heart is evil. (Biblestudytools.com)

Second. when the Scriptures were written, names had significant meanings. They were carefully ascribed to people either to described the person or with the hope of influencing what people would became. Sometimes people's names were changed. Naomi asked to be called Mara, reflecting the bitterness she was experiencing over the loss of her husband and sons. Two of Jesus disciples were brothers known as the Sons of Thunder because of their quick tempers. Sometimes people's names were changed after they encountered God and discovered His purposes for their lives Abram and Sarai's names were changed to Abraham and Sarah and Simon's name was changed to Peter. People also ascribed many different names to God to help us understand His character. He was called the God who sees, the God who hears, the God who provides, the God who redeems, the God who heals, the Comforter, the God who provides, Holy God, God Almighty, God most high, Savior, Redeemer, Lion of Judah, King of kings. I could go on and on. In the same way, Satan also has many names ascribed to him that help us understand just who he is. Lets look at a few:

• Satan means "adversary." This name tells us Satan comes against God in every way possible. He maligns God's character and tries to thwart His plans and disrupt His purposes in our lives. The temptation of Adam and Eve in the Garden and the Christmas story in which the deaths of baby boys who might be the Messiah demonstrate this.  
• Devil means "slanderous." The Devil whispers lies into our minds, hoping to destroy God's reputation and our trust in Him. Lies I have personally heard in my head are: "God isn't really good." "God doesn't really care." "God can't forgive me this time." "God is depriving me." "God doesn't see me." "God is choosing not to hear me." "God won't help me." If I am not careful these lies can stir mistrust towards God and His direction for my life. The Enemy also whispers lies in my head about others. I have worked myself into a fit of anger as I hear the enemy telling me a person's intentions towards me are evil. I have worked my self into a blue funk as I let him convince me that a person doesn't care about me. I've experienced despair as I let him convince me a relationship is irreparable. Anytime I reach a point I doubt God or can only see the bad in another person, I know the Enemy has influenced my thinking. The truth is God is always good  and people are seldom completely bad. Every person, like me, is a blend of both strengths and weakness.  
• Lucifer means "shining one." He approaches us in ways that are charming and attractive. Just think of how sexual predators operate. They come looking like nice, kind people who offer their victims something they need or long for. Their deeds turn ugly and cause great pain as they then cast blame on those they have violated. That is how Satan operates. People are daily being influenced into sinful life styles, with empty promises of love, satisfaction, and fulfillment while the Enemy also neglects to tell them about the consequences of sin--sin that leads to addiction, STD's, broken relationships, painful guilt that comes from breaking God's laws, and toxic shame that results from the fear of being found out--shame that sinks it talons deep into the heart.    
• Tempter means "one who tempts to entice us to sin." The enemy is in the business of trying to get people to fulfill their God-given passions in sinful ways because sin drives a wedge between us and our Creator, disrupting our role in God's plans. The Enemy watches us and personalizes temptations in a way that insures we will be lured and hooked. He does this by using our vulnerabilities, our exhaustion, our business, our loneliness, our longings, or our physical or emotional pain. We know we have taken the bait when we justify sin to ease the pain of guilt. 
• Ruler of the World tells us the Enemy works in different cultures and countries and tries to derail entire nations and people groups. He carefully spreads false philosophies, doctrines, and moral perspectives to drive people away from their Creator. Religions that are driven by fear are the very religions the Enemy has created. 
• Prince (of Power, of Darkness) indicates that the Enemy is not alone. He is the head of a dark army who helps him carry out his evil plans. 
• Accuser means "one who condemns." The enemy draws us into his ugly plans and then he turns around and accuses us. I know in my own life, he is the one who entices me to sin and then turns around and condemns me for it. This condemnation is way different than the loving conviction of the Holy Spirit calling me out of sin as I read His Word or listen to a sermon. Accuser uses harsh words and ugly names designed to shame--words like stupid, ugly, defective, failure. idiot, loser, trashy, beyond redemption, you don't love Jesus. The Accuser also suggests God is not all that He says He is. When I have gone through tough things and hear a sermon about God's goodness, love, faithfulness, or care, I can hear skeptical thoughts running through my head--thoughts like, "Yeah, right. Maybe for everyone else, but not for me." "Maybe God doesn't love me in the same way He loves others." "Why pray when God won't answer me anyway." I know those thoughts are from the enemy because God has never shown Himself to be anything but good, faithful, loving, and caring.  
• Father of Lies means just what it says. Every word the Enemy speaks and every action he takes is an attempt to deceive us into believing our God is not who He says He is, that we aren't who He says we are, that we are being deprived of something good that we deserve, that we don't need a Savior, or that we are so bad that we aren't redeemable anyway. By observing us, he is able to misconstrue the truth of our circumstances, the reality we live, and the truth of God's word to influence us to sin, rebel, or withdraw in hopelessness.  I don't know how many times he has used people in my life who didn't know me to attack me in ways that hurt the most tender parts of my heart in an effort to direct my path away from God and to thwart God's most loving work of redemption. (Priscilla Shirer)

So, how do we defeat the enemy? First, we recognize we can't expect him to be a gentleman. He comes after us when we are worn out, sick, tired, lonely, stressed. and feeling down. Second, we recognize that fear, anxiety, seething anger, unforgiveness, self-defeating thoughts and behaviors, and confusing conversations that make resolving conflict impossible are all indicators that the Enemy is trying to destroy us. Third we want to remember the Enemy will increase his attacks when we are fulfilling the ministry to which God has called us. I work with a group of women who walk along side of others in need of emotional healing and we see God do great things. Yet, this year every one of us have experienced things we believe to be attacks from the Enemy. He is doing all that he can to discourage, discredit, and disable our leaders. There are also times that conflicts happen in our groups and we can see the enemy distorting things in the minds of the ladies in an attempt to interrupt the healing work God is doing in their lives--healing that will set them free to love well and to worship Him wholeheartedly. Over the next few weeks I hope to share what I learn from the Shirer's Bible study on the armor of God. For now I want to close with Paul's prayer to the Ephesians who, like us, were engaged in spiritual battles. This prayer will be key to being victorious.   

Father, let the eyes of our hearts be enlightened so we can know the hope to which He has called us, that we can know the riches of our inheritance in Christ Jesus, and that we can understand the immeasurable greatness of His power toward us is the same power that raised Jesus from the dead and seated Him in heavenly places far above all rule, authority, power, and dominion, and above every name that is named, not only in this age, but also in the one to come. Lord, strengthen us with your power so that Christ dwells in our hearts through faith--that we would be rooted and grounded in love, would be strengthened to comprehend the breadth and length and height and depth of the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that we could be filled with all the fullness of God. Amen. (Ephesians 1-18 and 3:14-19.)  

Marriage isn't for Sissys

"Wives submit to you own husbands, as to the Lord..

Now as the church submits to Christ,

so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Husbands, love you wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her...

In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.

He who loves his wife loves himself."

Ephesians 5:22-28

I was recently sitting in a meeting with a group of people discussing things our church could do to foster healthy marriages. I pointed out that our men's ministry was doing a Bible study for men on marriage. I was very excited about this because this is the first time I have ever heard of the men doing this kind of study on their own. Usually it is the women in the church who buy books on marriage, who discuss it with their friends,  or who drag their husbands to marriage conferences, hoping to learn how to have better marriage. One of the men jokingly said that maybe they would get a better turn out if they didn't advertise that the study was on marriage as he held up his hand in a feminine gesture. I know the guy was joking, but I was so irritated by the gesture and by his statement. Later I realized I was really irritated because there is probably truth to his statement.

As I have done research for different writing projects I've come across articles casting blame on the issue of men not rising to be spiritual leaders. Some articles indicated it was the women's lib movement that removed men from leadership. Some have said it is due to the harsh criticisms spouted by hurting, angry wives that left men too fearful to step up to their God-given role. Some have said it is technology and higher education that replaced the apprenticeships in which young teenaged boys learned a trade from grown men, which also allowed them to learn what it meant to be a man. Some have suggested it's the business of our culture and the long work hours preventing men from teaching sons how to be men. Some have suggested that it is the educational system that used methods of education that doesn't help young men to be strong men. Some have suggested it is due to the breakdown of the family unit that leaves dads less involved. Probably all of those things have played a part in the break down of male leadership, but I believe there is a whole lot more to it. Regardless of the reasons, we need to understand a profound truth--marriage isn't for sissies!

There are five reasons that marriage isn't for sissies. I believe our culture (including the church) has lost sight of the sacredness of marriage. Marriage wasn't invented by man, it was designed by God to reflect His love for the church and His relationship to her. Marriage was also designed to reflect the truth that God is a relational God and He created us to be relational beings. He designed marriage to be the most intimate relationship we have. It is to be what we call a "oneness" relationship, picturing the relationship between the members of the Trinity. This kind of intimacy isn't for the faint hearted, it requires hard work. It requires each person to give100%. everyday Men are called to love as Christ loved the church. That isn't a sissy thing! His love is a love that initiates. It is bold. It is radical in its expressions. It is hard because man from the time of the fall has been a selfish, prideful being. Because of this, to love as Jesus loves requires great amounts of strength, humility, courage, self-sacrifice, restraint, and faith. It is a love that stands firm in the face of hardship, relational difficulties, sin, hurt, and misunderstanding. It is a love that seeks to serve when ever thing in him wants to be served. It is a love that stands firm when everything in him wants to leave physically and/or  emotionally. The gospels show Jesus modeling this love. Loving like this will be the hardest thing a man ever does because everything in him will want to demand his rights, demand respect, and to do his own thing his own way in his own time. Everything in him will want to give up, walk away, withdraw, and disregard his wife out of anger, disappointment, frustration, or maybe even out of lust. But the staying, the moment by moment choices to love, that is where really masculinity is born. Masculinity is men rising up and consistently doing what God has called them to do.

Conversely if men think women have the easier role, they are wrong. God has called us to submit and to respect our own husbands. We have the same flesh problems men do. We have to deal with our own selfish hearts that want what we want when we want it. We have to live down insecurities that tell us we are too much and not enough at the same times. Believe it or not, we have to deal with lust as well. We have to choose to be godly with all sorts of crazy hormonal fluctuations and relational demands that our families put on us. We have the crazy calling of being like Sarah who showed godly respect to her lying, fearful husband who cared more about his life than her sexual integrity. It takes as much strength, courage, self-sacrifice, and faith for a woman to submit to a very human spouse as it does for a man to fully love his wife as Jesus loved the church. 

The second reason marriage isn't for sissies is because God has called us to covenant marriages, not contract ones. We live in a society that is contract oriented and we carry this orientation over to marriage. Sadly, there is a huge difference in contracts and covenants. Contracts are first written and then relationships flow from the keeping of the contracts and relationships end when contracts are broken. Contract marriages evoke a fear of abandonment which leads to two things. First, they lead to perfectionism and self-contempt. Second, they lead to a strong tendency towards legalism and self-protection and we end up looking out for ourselves above the other person. We watch his or her every move to be sure the contract is upheld. Contempt for others flows out of this.

A covenant marriage is different in that a relationship is first initiated and then laws, limits, and boundaries are established to confirm and protect both the relationship and those in it. We feel more secure in this type of relationship because the driving force behind it is love. The mindset of this would be for each person in the covenant to choose to act and react in such a way that the relationship and those in it are continuously protected. I know spiritual abusers can use the idea of the covenant marriage to act abusively and/or negligently, knowing the other won't leave because of the covenant and that kind of spiritual abuse needs to be strongly confronted. At the end of the day, covenant people wisely reflect on how they' themselves have affirmed and protected their covenant--their sacred marriage--and when failure occurs, they take ownership of the failure and quickly make amends.  

Third, marriage isn't for sissies because it is a sacred ground for growth. Because of this it is a relationship that requires enormous amounts of transparency and vulnerability. It's a relationship in which old wounds and old messages get triggered. Due to the fall, when this happens, we have a tendency to blame our emotions and reactions on the one who triggers them. Out of unresolved hurts flow defensiveness, anger, hurtful words, and wounding actions. Think of people standing in lines in a department store at Christmas time. Some people wait patiently. They smile at others, send up arrow prayers for the overworked cashiers, let someone with less items go ahead of them, and play peep eye with the toddler sitting in the basket ahead of them. Then there are the people who sigh loudly, impatiently shift from one foot to the other, try to crowd the line, and make rude comments about the competency of those working. Every one standing in line is subject to the same trigger--the "wait." However, they respond differently because the trigger exposes what was in their hearts. Those with impatient hearts believe they are entitled and shouldn't have to wait. Their actions expose the selfishness inside. (I'm thankful for a few long lines that exposed the selfish heart in me.) Because marriage is the most intimate of all relationships, it tends to trigger our "stuff" the most. It exposes past unhealed wounds, selfish attitudes, defensive responses, and insecurities based on lies. Because of this it is the relationship that has the most potential to help us become more like Christ. And that isn't for sissies, because the exposure of those things hurts. and requires courage, humility, and plain old gumption to put down fleshly tendencies that cause us to want to control or hide from someone who exposes the messiness in our heart. It takes courage to not run from the exposure. Quite frankly sissies don't qualify for intimate relationships that foster growth. 

The fourth reason marriage isn't for sissies is because when we marry we enter a very real battle with a very cunning enemy who seeks to destroy marriages because they were designed to picture the relationship Christ has to His church. Even though Satan was defeated at the cross, many of us give him power by believing his lies and his half truths--those lies that tells us we are unloved and unloveable, that we are too much and/or too little, that we are called to entitlement instead of servanthood, and that old wounds don't need healing. We also give him power when we listen to his cunning voice and allow it to draw us into sick bondages like eating disorders that rob us of life, joy, healthy, and human relationships, addictions that kill both the body and the soul, or into pornography which isolates, increases selfishness, and destroys the potential for the real intimacy that can satisfy the human heart.

Finally the fifth reason that marriage isn't for sissies is because it is the home base for raising the next generation of believers. There is no place better for sons to learn to be spiritual leaders who love radically, nurture gently, serve humbly, and fight the enemy aggressively to protect the covenant bond. There is also no better place for daughters to learn what is to be loved with godly love that values and protects their personhood, beauty, and integrity so she has the courage to wait for God's best. It is the best place for her to learn how to walk with God in such a way that submission and respect flow out of a deep abiding trust in God who is good and who radically loves her.

Could it be that it is time for us to change how we view marriage and what it takes to be men and women of God? We aren't just called to be "nice" people. We are called to be warriors and warrior princesses who are wise, recognizing the schemes of the enemy who seeks to destroy all that emulates God and His great love. Maybe men need to accept the fact that they are called to a radical love that takes more courage than anything else that they will ever be called to do. Maybe, women need to rise up and realize they have been called to respect their husbands as Sarah did which takes greater courage and grace than we can muster up without the Lord. Maybe it is time for men to live courageously and become passionate about marriage and women to realize shaming won't give courage. Maybe both men and women need to quit viewing their spouses as the enemy and quit being sissies so that we can fight together to defeat the real enemy. Joy comes from being the warrior spouses that walk in victory loving as He loves.

Don’t Give the Devil Access

"And grieve not the Holy Spirit of God, 

by whom you are sealed unto the day of redemption."

Ephesians 4:30--Part 2

Verses 26 and 27 say, "In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun set while you are angry, and do not give the devil a foothold." Sometimes we believe the lie that anger is sin and believe we are bad if we experience angry. That is not true. Anger is a God-given emotion aroused by something that displeases us. It is like a barometer saying something is not right and needs to be addressed. Anger is not sin, because God gets angry. (Look in Deuteronomy 9:8 20, Psalm 2:12, Numbers 25:4, Jeremiah 4:8, 12:13). The Bible talks about anger being kindled, which would indicate it is like fire and begins with a little spark and grows from there. Smoldering anger is something we call malice, which can burst forth like a wild fire and it becomes wrath. Today's passage is telling us to be angry, but not to sin. We need to understand that because our perceptions and emotions can be tainted by sin, it is really hard for us to do this. If we realize misusing our anger or sinning in anger grieves the Lord we might be a little more motivated to manage it in a healthy way. So, what are we supposed to do with our anger?

There are several things that we can do. Psalm 97:10 says, "You that love the Lord, hate Evil." In the New Testament we are told to love our neighbor, bless those who persecute us, pray for those who despitefully use us. So, we should hate evil, even be enraged by it, while at the same time loving the person behind the sin. Matthew 5:25 tells us when we have a disagreement we should settle it quickly. Matthew 18:15 tells us that when we have a problem with someone we should go to them in private. Let's stop and think a moment about what these verses are telling us. First, there are times we should be angry. Second, being angry and not sinning does not mean we are not to express the anger. However, it does mean we are to learn to express it in an appropriate way in a timely manner. It means we do that in private and in love. When someone hurts us, at first the anger will reflect a boundary that has been crossed in an inappropriate way. But if we stop and pray about that, before we address the problem, we will see that the anger becomes anger at the sin and the desire is to help that person deal with the sin that hurt us. Confrontation needs to be done in love with the hope of reconciliation…that takes time and effort and is not a hit and run thing.

We also need to realize that under the anger are usually more vulnerable emotions like fear, hurt, or frustration. The fear may be triggered when we are threatened emotionally, physically, or spiritually. Sometimes we want the anger to help us stay safe, but at other times we may need to face the fear and share our heart with someone who would benefit from our fear. Hurt may be caused by someone’s careless thoughts or actions and they may be more prone to change if we share our hurt rather than the anger covering it. If our anger is covering frustration it could be due to blocked goals and if we look at the frustration rather than the anger we may be able to discern how to approach the blocked goals to get what we need. If we look at what these emotions are and express them rather than the anger covering them, we may be more successful at achieving the changes we need. This is because we will understand better what we have been angry about, can help another understand the pain they have caused if we allow ourselves to go there, and sharing our pain may get us further in changing a relationship than sharing our anger.

Why is this important? First, in Matthew 5:21-26 Jesus says anger is the first step toward murder because it gives the devil a foothold into our lives. Because he seeks to destroy, he fuels it by the lies he plants in our heads. I wonder if we will ever know how many times Satan destroys communication among families, friends and churches. Anger, when it is not dealt with, smolders like a fire and is fanned by Satan and explodes on others or it becomes self-destructive. The way to quench it is to deal with the situations and relationships causing it. Anger that isn’t dealt with leads to things like bitterness, gossip, backbiting, slander, and even overreacting to other events. Godly confrontation, restoration of relationship and forgiveness puts out smoldering resentments that turn simple anger into bitterness that erupts into rage. Aristotle wrote, "Anyone can be angry, but to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way is not easy." I agree with him. Sometimes we think it is powerful to aggressively express anger. However, to express anger by confronting friends in private in a loving manner that seeks invites God's work in their lives takes more strength and more faith than erupting at someone.

It is important for us to ask ourselves what makes it to deal with anger in the right way? Is it because we thought it was sin so we didn’t admit we were angry? Do we feel really vulnerable when we let someone know they’ve hurt us? Have we ever even seen anger handled incorrectly? If we’ve seen it mishandled, we may fear trying to express it. If we set our hearts on honoring and obeying the Lord and leave the results to Him, we can do what is right. To be honest, sometimes the results will be what we hope they will be and sometimes they will not, but it is in the obedience that we keep from grieving HIM!

Prayer: Lord, we thank You for the way you have made us! That includes emotionally. We confess to you that sin has distorted what makes us angry and how we respond to that. Help us to be angry at sin and to love the sinner. Help us to be angry at things like divorce, injustice and not caring for the helpless…your word says those things make you angry. Help us to use anger to reconcile relationships and restore a sinning brother. Help us to ask for forgiveness and to give forgiveness quickly. Amen.