The Art of Loving Well

As I reflected last week on learning to love well, it reminded me that the art of learning to love well can only be learned in the context of relationships. Ironically, as much as I want loving relationships they are difficult to navigate because they are like the process of iron sharpening iron and when iron sharpens iron sparks fly! Because relationships are designed to refine, rubbing shoulders with others has a way of exposing ungodly things like selfishness, weaknesses, overactive defense mechanisms, and a bunch of other stuff I will simply clump together and call the messy parts of relationships.

In my relationships I've experienced love by being the recipient of others' kind actions, acts of service, or the graces extended me in the reality of my failure to love well. I also experienced love through words--sometimes in the words, "I love you," sometimes words of affirmation for a job well done or for a character trait others observed and appreciated, and sometimes in simple sweet encouraging words that were balm to my soul when it was aching. I tried to emulate those things.

But, I also loved in some ways I learned were not healthy. I mistakenly thought love and grace meant overlooking bad behavior, but it was enabling others to continue to behave in ways that were destructive to the relationships we had. I also mistakenly thought it was loving to rescue others from the consequences of their choices because it prevented them pain. But, I learned they needed that pain to understand the need for change. Just like I am having to teach my new puppy his love bites aren't the best way to show this human some love. I had to learn godly love requires I not overlook bad behavior or rescue. Love includes gentle, direct confrontation and the speaking of truth in love. I am learning the best love I can give is truth and staying out of God's way so people experience consequences of their choices and His love through discipline. It sometimes hurts to observe, but ultimately God is infinitely wiser than me and He knows what each of us needs to motivate growth so we experience His love and develop the desire to embrace His life of loving others.

At one point in my life I believed I would someday obtain a level of spirituality and loving well would become so natural. I believed I would no longer be triggered or be tempted to act out of my sinful flesh. But, I still struggle daily with temptation to protect my heart through harsh words that can flow from anger and judgement. I am sometimes still tempted to hurt those who hurt me through slander or by blasting them with toxic, loud, and critical words aimed like arrows at their sweet hearts. Sometimes I am also tempted to withdraw in stony silence exhibiting aggression in a more passive-aggressive way.  I am not proud of these things, just owning the reality of them. The more I get to know others, the more I realize this isn't just a Wendy issue, it is a human one. It is just that some openly admit the struggle and others don't. But the truth is we are all just one step, one moment away from committing sin that wounds, and we are all just one step, one moment away from loving well in a way that builds others up. It is a moment by moment walk and it will never be done this side of heaven.

Several years ago I learned the skill of self reflection, which is way different than the self absorption I had struggled with in the past. Through reflection I learned to recognize the weaknesses of my temperament, the defense mechanisms I tend to favor, and the sinful tendencies that flow from my flesh. This has driven me to continually search for God's wisdom in how to overcome these fleshly patterns so I can love well. I have seen that the closer I walk with God, the more I experience His love and see it being poured on others through me. His love helps me bridle my tongue and use it for good. It motivates me to carry out actions that are loving and kind rather than selfish and self serving. His grace motivates me to forgive and to extend His grace to others.

There are so many treasures of wisdom in the word that teach me to love well, but for them to impact me I have to think on them continually and practice them over and over until they become natural to me. Other wise His Word becomes just go in and out of my brain and don't take root in my heart where they can produce godly fruit in my life.

As I shared in my last post loving well begins with accepting the truth that God's love is the source of all godly love. Loving others well requires I sit in His love so it can empower me to love like Him. Ephesians 4 is a powerful, practical chapter about loving. Paul even began the the chapter urging the Ephesians to walk worthy of  of their calling, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, and forbearance--all of which are fruits of the Spirit! These are produced in me as I spend time with God, choosing to walk in obedience by faith.

It is so easy for me to get caught up in the "If he (or she) does this then I will show them love." or "If he (or she) quits doing that I will show them love." I may not have ever said those exact words, but anyone observing me closely would have been able to see the reality of them guiding my life. I remind myself often of my personal responsibility as a child of God to love well. It is never contingent on others' actions or attitudes. It is only contingent on my being loved well by God.

Because there is an active enemy and because I have a sinful flesh I daily must put to death, the relationships and the unity I desire in them takes work. I have to continually grow so I am not tossed to and fro by the deceit the enemy whispers in my mind. I've also been learning to focus on others more than I am focus on myself. I'm learning to put off old, unhealthy ways of relating and put on God's loving ways. According to Ephesians 4, that means not responding out of my flesh which can lead me to sensuality, greed, impurity, and deceit. It means replacing falsehood with the truth. It means replacing thievery with hard labor with the intention of sharing out of the reward of that. It means replacing corrupt speech with words that build up and fit the occasion and give grace to the hearer.

We can apply this principle of replacement with anything that hinders our ability to love well. For the one who likes to stonewall, it means replacing stonewalling with humble engagement and a willingness to hear. For the manipulator, it means releasing the desire to control another and fully respecting their right to their own thoughts, words, feelings, perspectives, and choices. For the one who yells, it means taking off the tendency to blast another with words and gently engaging in conversation. For the one who withdraws to punish, it means doing the next loving thing even when it is hard. for the one given to blame it means accepting personal responsibility their part in the ugliness of a relationship.

There is an art to loving well. Just as an artist would take great pains to choose his colors and placement of strokes, we have to be willing to put the time and energy into loving well so each is built up, our integrity is maintained, and the relationship itself is both preserved and enhanced. It is a time consuming and sometimes painful process, but the masterpiece of a godly, loving relationship is is a beautiful portrait, exemplifying God's love to a world full of hate.

Putting on the Proper Attire

"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved,

compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness,

and patience bearing with one another..."

Colossians 3:12-13a

I am fascinated that the writers used by God to pen His Word often used word pictures to convey important Biblical truths. The key verse above is a great example of this. Sanctification is considered an important doctrine of our Christian faith. Yet, Paul used words like taking off and putting on to describe the process of sanctification. When I was a new believer, I often felt shame and guilt when I read passages like this because the analogy seemed to make it sound like the sanctification process was as easy as taking off old clothes and putting on new ones. 

However, more recently I've been thinking about this analogy and realize it is a good analogy. When we become believers we are translated from the kingdom of darkness into the kingdom of light. We are made joint heirs with Christ and all the Saints who have gone before us, including Noah, Abraham, Peter, John, Paul, Mary, and a host of other people. We enter into a close relationship with the King of kings. The clothing is a good analogy because clothing is what people usually see first. Spiritually speaking, they will see Christ or they will see the old Wendy before she was redeemed?  

Now if I were marrying a prince and moving into a castle I would accept there are responsibilities that come with that position. I would want to put on clothes that would be appropriate as well as learn the behaviors that are appropriate for the position I was marrying into. As a young bride, I would not want to bring shame to my prince. I would want to know what was considered polite and I would want to avoid behavior that is considered rude or inappropriate for a princess. When I think along those lines, it just seems like the reasonable thing to do. At the same time, I have to admit that in my heart of hearts I know I am a blue jean gal and would find it difficult to wear dresses and fancy shoes. I also know I have the tendency to jiggle my leg, and don't typically care about using the right fork and would have to work at staying present in the moment rather than longing to get home and kick off the shoes, put on comfy slacks and wiggle and jiggle my leg to my hearts contentment.  

When I contemplate the clothing picture I realize what a good picture it is for me of how difficult sanctification is. For I don't have that perfect body that can just go to any rack and pick up something to wear. As a result I have always had a love-hate relationship with clothing. I love to walk into a clothing store and see the colors and feel the textures of the fabrics. When I see the clothing on a model or someone else trying on the clothes, I get excited about how the clothing looks on them. But when I put on new clothes, I don't automatically feel pretty or comfortable. This is because the clothing doesn't feel familiar, and familiar is important to me. I experience this weird phenomenon familiar to women who struggle with eating disorders where I feel like a can of biscuits exploding and in my mind's eye I see my body in a distorted way. Every where the clothing touches me is proof it must not fit. I can't wait to get out of the new clothes and put on old clothes that feel familiar. For me to dress up is so far out of my comfort zone that it is painful. I would rather stay at home in my comfortable clothes. Old clothes are comfortable and feel familiar.  

In the above verse Paul wants us to put on clothing of a compassionate heart, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. To be honest my old "clothes," the comfortable "clothes," the clothes of my flesh, don't really look a lot like his list. When I think about compassion, I must admit it is much more natural for me to tell someone to pick themselves up by their boot straps or to bury myself in my writing so I don't have to feel the pain that comes with compassion. Over the years God has helped me become more compassionate by giving me the opportunity to deal with my own pain.

As far as the clothing of kindness I wish I had that one nailed. But in my heart of hearts I know my kindness is often missing, because I just don't think about taking the time to show kindness. It is also often conditional and based on other people's behavior and attitudes. Kind people bring out my kindness, but when I am dealing with difficult people, they don't. Yet, I know when I am struggling and behaving out of my flesh, what I most long for is for another person to show me the kindness of God, to love me out of my anger and frustration I feel. I know God wants me to wear that kind of kindness for others, a kindness that is intentional and unmerited. 

As far as the clothing of humility goes, that, too, has been a bit of a struggle because my stinking pride keeps getting in the way. And my pride has so many stinking faces! It is kind of like finding a comfortable tee-shirt and buying it in several colors--the red one representing the rising of anger of indignation when I believe I've been wronged, the blue one representing the pride that surfaces because I feel like I deserve something better, the green one representing the pride of believing I don't deserve to be mistreated, the gray shirt representing the other side of pride that looks like shame and self-contempt, the black shirt representing the pride of feeling invisible and overlooked which comes from believing old lies. It is a strong one because it was developed out of a need to protect a very wounded heart.

The clothing of meekness has been a hard one because meekness is really strength under control. There were times I didn't believe I had strength and then there were times that righteous anger rose up so fast in me that it felt like it was impossible to control the strength behind it. Yet, over time I am learning to listen to anger's message, dealing with emotions in private so I can use its energy to make the needed changes. 

Finally, the clothing of patience. That is a hard one to put on, because I not only have the flesh to deal with, I live in a culture that has taught me to expect and demand instant gratification! I want what I want when I want it. I wanted to climb to the top quickly when I worked rather than work my way up. I want instant food without cooking it. I want quick transportation and hate stop lights. I want  instant intimacy without doing the hard work of building trust and listening to another's heart. I want instant apologies without giving God time to work in a person's heart. I want to demand instant forgiveness, without allowing another the grace and the time needed to open and treat their wounds  so that they might actually know what they are forgiving.

Yet, as a believer I really do want to put on all those things that Paul is talking about. It is just hard. I find Romans 7:21-24 comforting in that it shows that my struggle to put on is shared by others. "So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members."

One of the reasons that I felt shamed by the "take off" and "put on" lists in the Scriptures was because in my tendency to be a Martha I would gloss over what was prior to the lists. Before he tells the Colossians what to put on, Paul reminds them that they are chosen, holy, set apart, and beloved children of God. Those words would have been noted by Mary and would be what motivated her to don the proper clothing. Skipping those important words can create frantic, busy bee efforts rather than action and attitudes driven by love. Those truths of who we are stir up gratitude and puts the lists in a proper perspective. Paul often used this technique in his epistles. He didn't just stop at the cross, he taught what the cross meant for us, including important truths like reconciliation, redemption, a new identity, and a new relationship with both God and man. Paul reminded them that they are chosen, holy, and beloved before he told them what to put on. 

Paul also often penned the prayers that he was praying for the people he was writing to. He prayed they would be empowered and they would know the love of God. They knew his prayer when they read his lists concerning sanctification. They knew they were being passionately prayed for.

Third, Paul often expressed his own love towards them. He had developed relationships with them and he cared about their growth, cared about their pain, and cared deeply about their relationships with God and with others. His instructions were given from a pure heart and given out of motive of love, not out of a desire to shame. 

When I began to really see Christianity as a love relationship with God, I found the lists created less shame. When I realized the epistles were written by a transparent man who deeply loved people he wrote to, I understood his lists were written out of a desire for others to grow in Christ so those characteristics of love would be manifested in them, making Christ known. I still don't think it's easy, but I don't feel shame about the lists now. I think the lists of what we are to put on are only possible as we relate to God on a daily basis and depend on Him to help us put them on. .

As we keep putting on those characteristics daily, they become more familiar and more natural.  When we put on those characteristics, we experience God in the practice of loving because we choose to live chosen, holy, and loved. When we put on those characteristics we get to see healing in others as a result of the  compassion we donned. We get to see anger melted by our kindness, see pride calmed by our humility, and see conflict deescalated by our meekness. We also get to see souls saved and relationships healed by patience. God is so gracious that even in our imperfect attempts to put on behaviors befitting His children, we are given the opportunities to experience Him as we see Him work in and through us. 

The lists tend to remind me there will be a day when my sanctification is complete and I will no longer have the struggle between my old clothes of the flesh and my new clothes of the Spirit, a day when I will be forever fully clothed in His righteousness! That thought brings such joy to this messy heart...a heart relying so heavily on His grace. 

Learning to be Kind to All

"And the Lord's bondservant must not be quarrelsome, 

but be kind to all, 

able to teach, patient when wronged, 

with gentleness correcting those who are 

in opposition, if perhaps God may grant them repentance 

leading to the 

knowledge of the truth, 

and they may come to their senses and escape from the 

snaire of the devil, having been held captive by him to do his will." 

2 Timothy 3:24-26

Have you ever been talking to someone about God’s Word. only to find that he or she wants to argue with you about the truth?  If not, how would you handle it if you did?  Even more importantly how would you handle it if the person claimed to be a believer? That was the situation Timothy found himself in as a young pastor. In this passage Paul tells Timothy how he should relate to those people who were in opposition to the truth he was teaching. I have noticed people who disagree with doctrine often look for things they can use to negate another person’s view. Sometimes they say things that could cast doubt on a pastor’s teaching, especially if the comment were made to a new believer who was not grounded in truth or someone who is struggling in their relationship with God. The advice Paul gave Timothy is very applicable to us when we find ourselves in relationships with quarrelsome people.  

Let’s look at the word “bondservant.” In Paul’s day a bondservant was someone who had been a slave for a period of time in order to pay off a debt. At the end of the debt they were to be set free. There were some people who had been indebted to a benevolent master and when they were set free they would pierce their ear as a sign that they were choosing to stay with their master so they could serve him out of love and gratitude. That is the kind of people we want to be. Understanding Christ bought us with His blood our of the slave market of sin. He reconciled us to the Father, which can bring about a gratefulness that creates in His people a desire to serve Him out of love rather than obligation. 

Next, Paul tells Timothy that as a bondservant he must not be quarrelsome. It is interesting that this advice was given in light of quarrelsome people opposing Timothy’s teaching. He advises Timothy to be kind, able to teach, and patient when he was wronged. Notice that he does not tell Timothy to ignore the offence. He says he is to correct those who oppose him, but he should do it with gentleness. When somebody snaps at us or opposes our opinions and words, what is our natural response? What is their natural response when we snap back at them?  When we react at an emotional level, it seems our pride gets wounded and we cling to our opinions even harder, making us less open and less teachable. Paul was pointing out, that by maintaining a gentle kind spirit, Timothy could remove himself as the point of rebellion and increase the chances that the truth he spoke would be heard. He was also reminding Timothy that even though he was God’s mouthpiece, it was up to God to change hearts and minds. 

Lastly, he points out that people who oppose the truth are people who believe the lies of Satan. He lays traps for people and then uses them to do his will. When we are face to face with someone, we want to remember the real enemy is not the person, it is Satan or his demons. By keeping this in mind our pride quiets and we can gently tell the truth and then let their battle be with the Lord, not us. I don’t know if you are like me, but sometimes when I am frustrated by a situation in which I feel powerlessness, I find myself projecting anger toward someone who has nothing to do with the situation. When our oldest son was young he had a friend come over to play. She was about 8 years old and had an accident on a bicycle. When her dad came to pick her up she expressed strong anger at him because she was hurt. We were both surprised, but we realized she was really only angry that he was not there to comfort her. We might be facing a quarrelsome person who is in the same boat. They may have been hurt and Satan may be taking advantage of their pain to get them to argue with God or the person who hurt them and their anger gets displaced on us. Being kind and gentle in the presence of a quarrelsome person is not easy! It is a supernatural act that can only be done in the power of the Holy Spirit. 
Is there a quarrelsome person in your life right now? How have you been dealing with the person? What could you do differently in light of today’s Scripture? How hard would it be to be kind, patient, and gentle when someone is arguing with you over Scripture or other things you know to be true? I think it might help us if we can remember that the goal is not to win an argument, but to invite the person to repentance and restoration. If we can let go of pride and assume a humble stance, we have a better chance of reaching this godly goal than if we are argumentative. This also prevents us from being used by the Enemy in his efforts to keep the person in bondage. One of the most practical statements we can use with others is, “Help me understand why you believe that.” By using that we remove ourselves from an argument and place ourselves in a situation to learn why a person thinks or feels as he does. Then we know better how to approach him with the truth.  

Prayer: Father we love you and appreciate all that you do for us. Thank you for your instructions on how to relate to people. Help us to be gentle, patient, and kind to people who are trying to pick a quarrel with us. Help us to care more about their hearts than winning an argument. Help us to remember that our real enemy is Satan who is like a roaring lion seeking who he can devour and use for His own purposes.  Amen.