Rachel is Still Weeping

As I was watching Amy Comey Barret's hearings, my heart ached for what she and her family were being put through just because so many are for abortion. I knew as I watched it was time to revisit the topic of abortion. I have shared before that when I read the Bible through for the first time, Matthew 2:18 left me feeling unsettled. "A voice was heard in Ramah, weeping and loud lamentation, Rachel weeping for her children; she refused to be comforted, because they are no more." I also shared that I first associated this verse with Moses' time when Pharaoh ordered midwives to kill Jewish babies and with Christ's time when all boys under the age of two were to be put to death to make sure the "King" would not rise to power. 

At the time I discovered these verses I was having my own babies and as I thought about those verses, I could not wrap my mind around the brutal orders given by those men that were responsible for the deaths of so many children. This was especially true as I stood over the baby-sized coffin weeping with my friend as she was burying her six-month-old baby, my heart ached for every child that has been lost and for every mama that has stood with empty arms and engorged breasts, weeping for a child she wanted with all of her heart, but had to lay to rest. It hurt my heart to know those mamas would never hear their babies cry again. Never hear them laugh cute belly laughs. Never hear them call for her after bad dreams. Never hear them sing or watch them dance. Never watch them play tag, catch balls. Never celebrate those milestones that we often take for granted--first steps, birthdays, graduations, holidays, and marriages, and grandchildren. I couldn't help but believe as my friend's baby was laid to rest that Rachel could be heard weeping with all grieving Mamas.  

As I read through the Old Testament, I saw some other things I believed might have caused Rachel to weep. As Israel moved into the Promised Land, some of them made unholy alliances with people who were steeped in pagan worship. Pagan religions were fear-based and centered around idols representing angry gods. To appease angry gods, sacrifices were made and sometimes the sacrifices were daughters who were taken to temples to be sexually abused and trafficked by temple priests. Some parents offered babies to be burned on the alter of stone idols. It was common enough that God forbid the practice in His Law, even requiring a death penalty for those sacrificing children. I can't help but believe as young daughters were taken and left in priest arms and babies were placed on altars to be burned that Rachel could be heard weeping. 

Its easy for us to judge those who sacrificed babies in pagan worship, but aren't we just as guilty of sacrificing children? Some sacrifice their children by letting godless schools and daycare centers raise and indoctrinate their children with perverted confusing ideologies so they can live more comfortably. Some sacrifice them by spending time on technology and watching TV, leaving their children feeling invisible, unheard, and unloved. Some sacrifice them when we vote for legislatures to go easy on those trafficking people's sons and daughters. Some sacrifice their children when they protect their families' or churches' reputations by covering horrific abuse going on in their home or their churches. Some sacrifice their children to the god of lust by bringing pornography into the home, leaving it in the bathroom or on computers where it randomly pops up for little eyes to see. 

Some sacrifice their children by having them literally sucked and scraped out of the womb for convenience sake. Our culture is covering the atrocities of abortion by blocking stories that talk about it in a truthful way. They also cover it up by calling abortion by different names like "women's health care" when it literally has nothing to do with a woman's health. They have also labeled it as a woman's right to choose while refusing to acknowledge that the choice can be made before a child is conceived. They have also cover it by calling a baby "a clump of cells." As I said in the past, we may not be offering our children to gods of stone, but we are offering them to gods of ease, god's of unbridled pleasure, god's of selfishness, god's of addictions, god's of pride, and god's of convenience. I can't help but believe that Rachel can still be heard weeping for the children who need to be loved and protected. When Cain killed Abel, God told Cain that Abel's blood is crying out from the ground...if we could see the blood of aborted babies crying out, we would be swimming in it.  

I have quietly been reading the reasons many women give for being for abortion. Some say it is needed because it interrupts the education and careers of women. Could it be that Barret's hearing enraged many people because by her life and her choices she has proven that with a caring and involved partner women can successfully wear more than one successfully. They can be moms and be judges, nurses, teachers, business owners, architects, Bible study leaders, authors, artists, dancers, musicians, singers, and a host of other things. Some have stated that it is needed for rape victims, yet the abortion industry doesn't always report sexual abuse of minors that resulted in pregnancy. And the number of abortions performed everyday and the number of women marching and saying they are proud of the abortions they have gotten points to the reality that many view abortion as birth control. I have seen posts where women were in favor of abortion they knew women who had more children than they believed they could handle or who were pressured by husbands who wanted to continue to have children until they got the preferred sex. Those are marriage and maybe spiritual issues that need to be handled in counseling offices before conception takes place instead of abortion clinics.  

The handmaiden costumes worn by women in protest of Barret's nomination showed how intolerant some are. My mom told me that as early as I could talk I wanted baby dolls and when I was asked how many kids I wanted, it was always six. As an adult I still wanted six kids. When I got pregnant with my fourth and fifth babies, I could count on one hand the number of people who were excited for us. Most people made jokes about us and others asked rude questions that I would never ask. One of my friends even admitted to me that she had told the doctor we both saw that she thought it was insane, and my doctor graciously told her, "If anyone should have a big family it is her. She is such a capable mom." We chose to stop after our fifth baby, because I wasn't sure my body would carry another child and I had suffered trauma at the hands of a brutal doctor during childbirth. It was a hard decision and one that I grieved. Some don't understand that some women both desire and enjoy children and want large families and take it on themselves to shame women who make that choice. The handmaiden's costumes, the media's judgmental posts, and those crying that her appointment sets women back a hundred years and the jokes and rude comments made to me and my husband prove that proabortion people are not really prochoice when the choice a woman or a couple make is different than theirs.    

I pray often that our government will reverse laws that allow abortion. As I have prayed the period in which legal abortions can occur has been extended to the point that in one state it is up to full term and babies surviving are left to die. It hurts to see women who God made to be nurturers smiling and applauding the lives that have so brutally been terminated. 

Our church sometimes puts up crosses in its lawn representing lives lost every day to abortion.

As I look at all of those crosses I can hear Rachel weeping for the children, can you? 

As I sat by the incubator of our granddaughter born at 26 1/2 weeks, I prayed for her as I observed how perfectly she was formed. She had a head full of golden curly hair, was super active, fought hard for her life, and showed her spunky little personality when she would be woken up from a sound sleep for tests. I knew I was given a glimpses of life as it is in the womb and wondered how anyone could terminate it. 

I do know children of church going people have been sacrificed as well. It has occurred when abuse has not been reported, but was covered up to protect the abusers and churches' reputations. It has occurred when church going women and teens get abortions to cover shame they feel over pregnancies conceived outside of marriage or when it feels overwhelming. Sadly, terminating lives doesn't solve sin or shame issues. In fact it increases guilt, shame, depression, anxiety, and regret, causing grief over a life time. Thankfully, churches in our area provide are providing safe groups in which women can confess to one another their sinful choices. They can come out of hiding and collectively grieve openly the babies they terminated, and experience grace that is bigger than the shameful choices made. I am sure every year in those groups Rachel can be heard weeping along with the ladies who have the courage to attend. 

The psalmist wrote, "For you formed my inward parts, you knitted me in my mothers womb. I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made...In your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them." We must understand our God is the giver of life and not equate choice with terminating life. God at times revealed his plans for people's children before they were born. Samson's parents were told. Mary was told about Jesus role. John the Baptist's parents were told and amazingly, John recognized the Messiah Mary was carrying in her womb while in his own mama's womb. I believe he leapt for joy when Mary approached. 

Sarah Purcel, who was on TV when I was young shared in an interview that she gave the birth mom of her adopted child a tape of her singing songs to play against her belly. The birth mom complied and played those songs daily. When Sarah sang those songs aloud in the delivery room, the baby quit crying and looked around for the one whose voice was familiar. Babies in the womb are not clumps of tissue growing. They are humans fashioned by the living God. I long for the day that Jesus reigns in perfect love and righteousness and stops the death of children. I also long for the day that He will he wipe away every tear every "Rachel" has wept. 

Navigating this Roller Coaster Ride with Grace

The last couple of months have been a roller coaster ride for all of us. When it first started, I experienced overwhelming anxiety and found myself feeling cold and shaky, which evolved into mild anxiety when I hear or read conflicting information. I've experienced deep grief as we closed down support group meetings, as I watched grandchildren abruptly leave school, when I realized I couldn't be more supportive of a dear friend going through lots of hard, when I miss my church, and as I gave up face to face conversations with people I love. I have felt anger when trying to figure out what to believe about this virus, as I observe the insensitivity of some politicians towards those losing jobs and trying to figure out how to pay rent and buy groceries and medications needed. Many of us have experienced fear and rightly so. We're facing a virus we know little about, may not be able to purchase foods or goods we need, fear getting sick, or fear dying alone. We may even fear all of this has been a ruse to strip us of constitutional rights, including the freedom to of corporate worship.

I've experienced several traumas in my life that surfaced fear. As a child, I tried my best to keep a lid on it. It wasn't until I was pregnant with my third child, that fear could no longer be contained. I woke up one night with a stranger standing over me and was so paralyzed with fear I couldn't scream. I finally groaned loud enough to wake up my husband who chased the guy out of our home. Because I had already experienced trauma, the break in caused PTSD and I had flashbacks or woke up screaming believing the man was back. This startled my little guys. When bedtime came, the oldest often said he was afraid the bogeyman was in their room. I watched my husband gently take our little men to their room and look under the beds, in the closets, and in the toybox to prove the bogeyman wasn't there. He then sat down with them, reminding them God kept us safe when the man broke into our home and then pray with them, asking for God's protection over them as they slept.

Because my emotions felt so crazy, I ordered tapes from a tape ministry and listened to well known pastors' sermons on how to manage emotions. Until that point I thought all fear was a sin and a sign that one lacked faith and was shaming myself for experiencing it. One of the pastors pointed out that fear was a common human emotion and it helped us stay safe. He also pointed out that when Moses died the Lord directed Joshua to enter the promise land, telling him not to be afraid but to be strong and courageous because He would be with him and would not leave him or forsake him. Around that time a friend came up to me at church and handed me a piece of paper with a Bible verse on it. She explained she had never experienced someone breaking into her home, but God had laid it on her heart to pray that verse for me every night. When I got home I looked at the verse she had written out and it said, "I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; For you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety." I committed that verse to memory and went to sleep every night meditating on it, comforted by that fact that my friend was praying the verse over me.

As I processed the verse and the sermon on fear, I began to view God's command to not fear differently. Before I had believed God was always displeased with me when I experienced fear, but when I put the command in its context it seemed like God was speaking to me in the same way my husband spoke to our boys when they were afraid of the bogeyman. Instead of avoiding God in shame when I experienced fear, I began to acknowledge it to Him and then focus on His attributes and His care for me. Several years later I told God I knew He was with me on the night of the beak in and asked Him to give a vision of where He was that night. Immediately I saw Jesus dressed as a soldier, standing at the head of my bed watching over me. When I think of that night I no longer experience fear, I simply see Him standing guard over me.

I pray we will be gracious to those who have been or are still struggling with fear as we navigate this pandemic and the reopening of our country. There is a time to confront fear, but we would be wise to confront it the way the Lord does with reminders of His continual presence and His lavish care. We want to remember some came to this pandemic with unresolved trauma. For those who grew up without enough food to eat, for the ones who have lost loved ones to horrible diseases, for the ones who were abandoned as children, or those who were harmed in someway this pandemic may surface strong fears that need to be honored and patiently worked through so they, too, can continue growing in their ability to trust God in the hard.

I have had to continue to take my thoughts captive to Jesus' truth during this time, reminding myself this pandemic was no surprise to God. For while He was forming me in my mother's womb, these days were already written in His books. I know my God knows my history and isn't angry when I experience fear. He is reminding me He is right here with me. His presence means even on my loneliest days, I am never alone. It means when I am feeling anxious or afraid, He can give me the courage I need to face the day in a way that honors Him. It means when I am weak, He will give me strength to do what needs to be done. It means when I am confused, He will give me the wisdom I need to navigate the hard. It means when I am feeling powerless, He is all powerful over all that pertains to me. It means when everything feels out of my control, He is in fact in control of it all. It means when I am struggling with sin, His perfect righteousness covers it. It means when I am feeling unsettled, He is my perfect peace. Oh, I hope that we would navigate this roller coaster season with His grace.

Isaiah 41:10 brings me great comfort these days:

"Fear not, for I am with you;

Be not dismayed, for I am you God.

I will strengthen you, 

Yes, I will help you,

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Made for Glory

There are several passages in the Bible that grabbed a hold of my heart and changed the beliefs that ran deep into my soul. This usually happens when I am reading passages with which I am familiar. It seems like the Lord slows me down and causes me to take notice of truths that my heart desperately needs to notice. One such passages was Psalm 139. I had read it over and over. Then one day I was reading it again and felt excitement stirring and goosebumps rising. I began to see things in the passage that radically changed how I viewed myself, my life, and my relationship with my God.

The first things that grabbed a hold of my heart was that I was created by God and intimately known by Him. For years I'd struggled with negative thoughts that caused me to believe I was bad, defective, not good enough, too much, a mistake, a disappointment, and unlovable. Psalm 139:13-15, "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret intricately woven in the depths of the earth." If you had asked me who had created me prior to reading these verses that day, I would have said God. But to be honest, I was living as if I believed I was God's mistake. The one in which He said, "Whoops, didn't mean to make her!" These verses refuted lies I had believed for years and told me God, in His infinite wisdom, was in my mother's womb, carefully forming each cell, masterfully stitching them together stitch by stitch.

This means He knew me before I was born! He knew how tall I would be, how many fingers and toes I would have, what color my eyes would be, and that my hair would be mostly straight. He knew what shape my body would take as it grew from a single cell to a grown woman. He even  designed my body to heal itself when it got sick, gave me skin that would regenerate after a knee was scraped, and bones that would calcify and heal after they were broken.

God also designed my brain, knowing that I would be good at math, that I would love music, and that I would grow up wanting to write. He knew what strengths and what weaknesses I would have. He knew what would make me smile, what would make me chuckle out loud, and what would evoke a belly laugh so hard that tears would spill. He knew what would make me frown, what would make me sad, and what would move me to compassion so strong it couldn't be contained. He even knew what would cause such pain that the tears would get stuck deep inside. He knew what would leave me feeling miffed and what would leave me so enraged I would want to scream at the top of my lungs to get someone to understand the depths of frustration I can feel. He knew what would leave me feeling anxious and that snakes could terrify me and leave me screaming ten minutes strait.

Another truth from Psalm 139 that grabbed a hold of my heart is found in verse 16, "...in your book were written, ever one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." This verse tells me God, Himself, penned the story I am living and that my story is to be lived out loud. That includes the highs that leave me feeling exhilarated and the lows that leave me spent and broken. That includes the painful parts when I was sinned against and the journey it took to fully comprehend that Jesus understands that kind of pain as a traumatized Savior and is in the process of fully redeeming it. That also includes sitting in the burning shame of my own sin and the journey it took to see my sin etched in His skin as He faced God's wrath for me, showing me tiny glimpses of the glorious grace that is to be forever mine.

The next truth that grabbed a hold of my heart from this Psalm is that I have never been alone. I was in His thoughts as He was penning my story and then He was with me in my mother's womb from conception on. He was there when I was born, calling me out of the womb by name. This passage says, He knows when I sit down. He knows when I stand up. He can discern the thoughts I have before I, myself,  am fully aware of them. He knows the path I am on and He is acquainted with how I will deal with all that is on that path. He knows every word I have spoken and every word still on the tongue. He goes before me, follows behind me, and keeps His hand on me, holding me steady. There is no where I can go that His beautiful Spirit will not be there. When I climbed mountains, I found Him there. When I felt like I was in the depths of despair, He was there. Were I to travel the oceans there would not be a port in which His presences and glory could not be found. Even my darkest days do not surprise Him, for in His hands the darkness is made light.

Our God created us with His infinite wisdom, preserves us with His mighty power, and loves us with a love that is both sacrificial and incomprehensible. There is no one like Him! We can search the earth and we will never find works that are as beautiful and perfect as His works and you and I are a part of those works! We were made for His glory and can rejoice that it is in Him that we live and move and have our being.

We are His Plan

I can't remember a time that I wasn't curious about people and the stories they've lived. Because of this, I've had heard many stories, some exciting and fun, some painful and hard to hear. Because I love to listen, I have had the privilege of knowing women who moved past extremely painful things to become loving, kind, and compassionate. It is a sacred privilege to hear these stories and to see the impact painful things have had and watch as people choose to forgive things that most would deem unforgiveable. It is also exciting when survivors take responsibility to change maladaptive ways of dealing with pain, life, and relationships so they can become the women God designed them to be.

One surprising thing I've discovered over the years, is that the circumstances surrounding one's conception can have a huge impact on how a person sees themselves. Some knew without a doubt that they had been planned, wanted, and celebrated. Knowing that helped them navigate the hard things that came against them. On the other hand, some were told or discovered on their own that they were accidently conceived. Those whose parents embraced the pregnancy and celebrated them believed they were wanted even though an accident. They, too, drew on their parent's love and acceptance to get through the hard.

Those who weren't celebrated have believed they were simply tolerated or that they were unwanted and they have carried shame. Some knew their conceptions was the reason their parents got married. Those who handled that news well were those who had healthy families who openly discussed their questions and who were reassured they were wanted, loved, and a source of joy. But, those who found out on they were unplanned and lived in families that refused to talk about these things struggled and took on the shame of their parents.

Some have said they knew through either their parents actions or words that they were neither planned or wanted. These often struggled with the belief that something was innately wrong with them to cause their parents to reject them physically and/or emotionally. They couldn't identify what it was in them that caused rejection, but they were sure it was their fault. I have even known a few that found out they were the product of one night stands or rapes. They struggled because they weren't the product of a relationship, just sin or violence. Some had been told that their dads wanted their moms to abort them and some were survivors of attempted abortions. Most felt grateful to be alive, but grieve daily at how easy it is for some to end a life.

There are ladies who were the product of rape. They knew they were treated with less warmth than their siblings and some suffered physical abuse at the hands of mothers and believed it was because they served as a reminder of  the perpetrator who harmed them. These often bear great shame, wondering if the evil of a rapist father could be residing in them or passed down to their children.

Some shared that they believed their moms got pregnant to hold on to a boyfriend or a husband who wanted to leave. Some felt loved because the parents worked hard at making the marriage work and in the process of that they became good parents. Others ached because theirs dads acted as if they felt trapped or their moms projected frustration on them as they were a reminder of the failures in the marriage and their manipulating ways.

We can't change the facts surrounding our conception or our birth. But, the Word of God can change how we view these events. Psalm 139 tells us that in God's eyes we are not mistakes, accidents, interruptions to plans made, or manipulative actions to be reckoned with for a life time. "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them." Our God was there in the womb with us, lovingly forming us according to His will and His plans.

Our God is a creative God! He designs and created us with intentionality and with purpose and values us enough to send a Savior to redeem us. He is loving and kind and never ever avoids us. He never abuses us and never treats us with disdain because we interrupted His plans. We are His plan--beautiful and unique, fearfully and wonderfully knitted in the womb. We are not an embarrassment that He would rather not acknowledge, He called us from the womb by name. We are not a source of shame or a reminder of a careless, shameful mistake once made. He delights in us and has purposed every single one of our days before they came to be.

In addition, the Bible tells believers that we are born again by His will. John 1:12-13 says, "But to all who did receive Him, who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood or of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God." Not only was it God's design for us to be born physically, it was also His will that we be born again spiritually and with that spiritual birth we are also adopted as His sons (Ephesians 1:5). We are no longer outsiders wishing we could feel at home in a family. By faith, we have received a new heritage with the saints of old and we are treasured members of His family. No one can ever take that away from us. The Lord--He is faithful and He will never abandon us.

When Satan reminds us of our fleshly roots, we want to remind him that in God's eyes, there was never a time we weren't loved, never a time we weren't wanted, and never a time we weren't a central part of His plan. When this truth takes a hold of our hearts, the lies that the Enemy whispers to try to shame us into despair lose their power over us. We are His plan and His plan is always perfect.

Shattering the Myths of "Too Much" and "Not Enough"

"I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are Your works; my soul know it very well.

My frame was not hidden from You,

when I was being made in secret,

intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Psalm 139:14-15 

 





I have the privilege of  serving in a ministry along side of some of the most amazing women I have ever met. We lead support groups for women who were victimized by sexual abuse, who have eating disorders, who struggle with unhealthy relationships, or who struggle with emotions. No matter what the group is studying, every year we find that a big part of our work is helping women identify lies that they believe and how those lies are impacting their lives. I have come to feel passionate about this part of our work because I once struggled with such strong negative thinking that I could not have told someone a positive attribute about myself if I had been asked. Ironically, I could quote all the scriptures about who we are in Christ. But somehow the Scriptures weren't sinking into my heart. After  working on an exercise about my negative thinking with a therapist, I left her office feeling convicted that my thinking was sinful. I wasn't sure what to do about it, because it was so automatic and I wasn't purposely choosing to think like I thought. It was just there. I also had the feeling that the therapist had no idea just how negative the thoughts were and how much of the day the thoughts filled my mind. But I wanted to change.

I knew that the first step for me was to get radically honest with her about the severity of this struggle. When I got home I flipped open a magazine to a little girl sitting on a great big chair. She looked so alone and emotionally dead. I cut the picture out and put it in the center of a poster board. I typed all the negative messages I heard in my head and I cut them out and pasted them all around the little girl. I sat and looked at it and asked God to help me know what to do next. He brought to mind a bunch of messages I specifically heard growing up or that I formulated from my experiences and from what I see in our culture. There were layers and layers of negative messages surrounding that little girl. 

I took it in to my counselor and we looked at it together. It was so freeing, because it was like I took all of the garbage out and laid it on that board. At one point she asked me what I thought happened when someone complimented me or told me that they loved me. It hit me that positive words trying to come in would just bounce off of all of the garbage inside. It hit me in that moment that the core of shame with which I had been struggling was fed by all of those lies and that those lies were like a shroud that kept God's truth from coming in. It was like I had unknowingly at some point in time begun to agree with the Enemy who was slowly and surly destroying me with His lies. I was a believer at the time we had that conversation. I believed in my head what God said about me, but in the core of my being were all of the old lies and messages. We practiced in the therapist's refuting the lies and silencing the enemy's voice with His truth until I truly understood what it meant to take my thoughts captive to His truth.

This week during our leader's prayer time I handed my leaders a piece of paper that had two fill in the blanks. I asked them to fill them in with the thoughts that they had struggled with or still occasionally struggle with. The first statement I gave them was, "I am too___________." The answers I got from them were I am: too busy, too needy, too talkative, too judgmental, too anxious, too isolated, too spiritually weak, too forgetful, too fat, too outspoken, too different, too broken, too far gone, too fearful, too codependent, too stubborn, too critical, too self sabotaging, too Kookie, too loud, too stupid, too inadequate, too hopeless, too wordy, too spacy, too helpless, too emotional, too sensitive,  too inadequate, too dirty, too picky, too lazy, too self centered, too jealous, too naïve, too gullible, too chubby, too lazy, too depressed, too lost, too unhappy, too needy, too ugly, too boring, too distant, too damaged, too abused, too dumb, too stressed, too excitable, too moody, too smart, too fragile, too opinionated, too unhealthy, and too much.

The second statement I asked them to fill in is: "I am not_____________ enough." The answers that I got from them are I am: not friendly enough , not intelligent enough, not good enough, not worthy enough, not loved enough, not strong enough, not disciplined enough, not consistent enough, not focused enough, not trusting God enough, not a good enough mom, not a good enough wife, not a good enough friend, not a good enough daughter, not smart enough, not crafty enough, not faithful enough, not loyal enough, not strong enough, not pretty enough, not attractive enough, not courageous enough, not willing to sacrifice enough, not educated enough, not brave enough, not trusting enough, not generous enough, not thin enough, not exciting enough, not happy enough, not perfect enough, not articulate enough, not connected enough, not fast enough, not cute enough, not pretty enough, not engaging enough, not innocent enough, not clever enough, not spiritual enough, not calm enough, not helpful enough, not organized enough, not intuitive enough, not compassionate enough, not patient enough, not forgiving enough, not "Christ-like" enough, not healthy enough, not gracious enough, not thin enough, not put together enough, not sexy enough, not girly enough, and not enough.   

Over the years these women and I have had conversations about these types of thoughts. I remember at one point one of them saying to me, "Isn't it weird that we can believe that we are too much and not enough at the same time?" I think if you had the chance to spend time with these women you would see them as I do. They are some of the brightest, most beautiful, kindest, and most generous women I have ever met. They give of their time and their energy to volunteer in a hard ministry that requires them to listen patiently to painful stories, to confront lies gently with His truth, to encourage the discouraged, to comfort the distraught, to hope for the hopeless, to love even when someone acts harshly out of their woundedness, to model healthy relating even when they, themselves, feel triggered by what they hear or by how they are treated. They have had to learn to depend on God to speak His truth even when they are afraid of conflict, rejection, and anger. They are strong women who have been not only be tempered by their own painful experiences and their own recovery journeys, they have been tempered by their making a decision to step out in faith in the face of the lies the enemy whispers in their ears and trust that the truest thing about them is what God has said in His Word.

Every week when I look into the faces of these ladies, I am reminded that God never has been is not and never will be in the business of making junk. He is in the business of creating men and women in His image. Oh yes, I know that the enemy did everything he could to destroy that image in them by enticing others to destroy them physically, emotionally, and spiritually by their evil actions, lack of actions, evil words, and silences. He did everything he could to entice them to follow him, promising them relief from their pain and shame. He did everything he could to get them to believe his lies even camouflaging them in half truths. '

But, God intervened and saved them out of the chains with which they were bound. I have been blessed to see God's activity in their lives as they have become acquainted with Him, not just as their Savior, but as their Comforter, their Healer, their Strength, their Truth, and their Safety.

In Him, they never ever have to worry about being good enough, because Jesus imputed His righteousness to them. In Him they never have to worry about being strong enough, because His strength is made manifest in their weaknesses. In Him they don't have to worry about being smart enough, because they have been given His wisdom. In Him they don't have to worry about being too different, because He was the one who knitted them in their mothers' wombs. In Him they don't have to worry about being courageous enough because Jesus has already defeated the enemy at the cross and he no longer has a hold on their lives. In Him they don't have to worry about being too needy, because they were saved by the King of Kings and He has promised them great and mighty things and He is in the business of meeting emotional needs. In Him they don't have to worry about being too spacy because the Holy Spirit indwells them and will bring to mind all that they need to know to do His will in His perfect timing. In Him they don't have to ever worry about being loving enough because God will fill them with His love and it is a love that is kind, patient, gracious, forgiving, merciful, and sacrificial. In Him they don't have to worry about being beautiful enough, because He makes all things beautiful.

In Him they don't ever have to worry about being too dirty, because they have been bathed by the blood of the Lamb and they are as white as snow. They don't have to worry about not being smart enough because He has gifted them for the service He has called them to. They don't have to worry about being perfect enough, because He has died for their imperfection and has granted to them the ability to grow in Him. In Him they don't have to worry about not being enough to fulfill His expectations because what He requires of them is to love mercy and to walk humbly with Him. In Him they don't have to worry about being unworthy because Jesus showed them their worth when He died for them. They don't have to worry about being intuitive enough, because the Holy Spirit will lead them to sense what another needs from them. They don't ever have to struggle with being too girly, because they were created in His image to reflect certain part of His Heart to a broken and hurting world.         

The leaders in our groups know these truths that I am sharing here just like I do. We learned and are still learning that God and His truth has the power to break the chains of the lies bombarding us every day. At times it was like we could hear the Sword of Truth clanging against the chains that held us captive. Clang after clang after clang until the lies lost their power. It was like you could hear the chains dropping one by one as we shook free of the lies as His truth moved from our heads to our hearts.

By being radically honest in our groups, we have seen joy replacing sorrow, peace replacing anxiety, happiness replacing depression, grace replacing guilt, forgiveness replacing bitterness, love replacing hatred, light replacing darkness, good replacing evil, and VICTORY replacing defeat!

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; You works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. "
Psalm 139:13-16

A few years ago I was really impacted by these verses and as I meditate on them I continue to learn from them. These verses tell us that God was present in our mother's wombs forming every single part of our being. They also tell us that He fashioned and created us with a specific purpose and had a specific plan for our lives. It does not even matter what the circumstances were surrounding our births. Some of us are fortunate to be a product of our parent's love and to have been planned and longed for. Some of us some of us were accidentally conceived or even born to parents who were not married. Yet, these verses tell us that God was still present and that He fashioned us after His own design, for His own glory, and that to Him we were not an accident that just happened. If you are a part of the group that was an accident or born to parents who conceived you out side of marriage, it is imperative that you grasp this truth that you were not a surprise or a cause of shame to our Heavenly Father. He planned and created you and He did that in His unlimited love.

Think about what it means to be created by God. It means that He determined what each of us would look like. When we look in the mirror and wish we were taller we need to remember that God chose how tall we would be. He chose the color of our hair, our eyes, and our skin. He chose how what our smile would look like and how curly or straight our hair would be. He chose how big our bones would be and how long our legs would be. He is even responsible for the quirky little things we all have like whether like whether we wrinkle our noses when we smile or not, whether we can wink with one eye or tend to blink with both, or whether we can curl our tongues or not. He is responsible for how athletic we are or if we prefer the more quiet activities of life. He determined whether we would be able to draw, sing, act, or dance.

God created our inmost being…that means God is responsible for how intelligent we are and whether we are good at math and science or at English and the more creative subjects. He is responsible for the things that make us passionate. God is even responsible for our chemical makeup. That means He largely determined the kinds of things that would make us laugh, cry, get angry, feel anxious, or sing and dance a little jig for joy. As our creator, He is also responsible for how we sound when we speak, how we laugh, or how we sing. There is not a single part of our body, soul, or spirit that wasn't formed by our God.

We don't realize that when we hate our bodies, our personalities or the other parts that God created it is like we are shaking our fist in God's face and saying that He didn't do a good job. The psalmist understood that he was a wonderful work of God. He did not question God's goodness by disliking himself and berating his looks. He knew God's design was very intentional and that his body was a marvelous reflection of God. He also knew that along with God 's creating him that God had ordained plans for his life that only him with his unique personality and character could fulfill. When David wrote today’s verses enemies who hated him and hated the God that he served surrounded him. Yet, he understood that their hatred was about their hearts and not something in him. He was still was able to cling to the fact that God created him and ordained his days.

How do you feel when you look in the mirror? Are you able to praise God for fearfully and wonderfully making you? How are you when you look deep inside of yourself? Do you appreciate the personality and the heart that has certain passions with which God created you? How are you when you look at the talents and abilities God gave you? Do you compare yourself with others and feel shortchanged or do you realize that God created you with just the right blend of body, soul, personality, and gifts to live out the plans He has for you? You are truly one of His marvelous works…are you able to believe it?


Prayer: Father, so often we don't like ourselves and when we look into the mirror we fail to see what you see. Help each of us to recognize the beauty of your handprints on both our insides and our outsides. Help us to realize that your plans are marvelous and that each of us is the perfect person both inside and out to fulfill the plans you have laid for us. Help us to remember that no matter what the circumstances were around our births that we were created to be the joy of Your heart and to bear your image to the world. We praise you because we are fearfully and wonderfully made and because your works are marvelous…we know it full well. Amen.