The reel I saw was of a panel of women where Kristi Mcclelland was sharing that the first two words used to describe a woman is found in Genisis 2:18, a verse that I was very familiar with. It says, "I will make a helper suitable for him." What I didn't know what that the words in Hebrew for "helper suitable" is "ezer kenegdo" In our culture a helper is often seen as a person of less importance, lower status, less educated, and who has less ability than the one who is being aided. In other words, a subservient person. But "ezer" in Hebrew means helper, aide, strength. Kristi shared that ezer is a strong word, carrying the connotation of strengthening someone in ways that they cannot strengthen themselves. She also shared that the word "ezer" has also been used by God to describe himself in His relationship to Israel. I love that because we would never describe God as subservient to Israel. God did help, aid, and strengthen Israel in ways that Israel could not do for herself.
Had my husband and I known that the first word God used to describe a woman was a word that God used to describe Himself, I believe we would have approached marriage in a different way. I believe my husband would have come into our marriage understanding that God never meant for him even as a leader to feel the full weight of making our marriage work. If he had understood that God was providing a person to help, aide, or strengthen him in ways he could not do himself, he might not have struggled with feelings shame when life, marriage, family life, or job left him feeling powerless. Maybe he would have been more open to letting me in on the hard he was faced with.
Had I understood this concept myself, I would have protected my heart to focus on this role. I believe I would have used my voice more confidently to encourage my husband, instead of second guessing my right to speak. Had I fully understood God's calling, I might have trusted the wisdom He was giving me and looked for gentle loving ways to impart that to man. When I look back at some of the times my husband was facing hard stuff, I realize I missed opportunities to provide what he could not provide for himself, especially when my husband was being reviled for good and moral decisions he made.
Josh Howerton, Senior Pastor, of Lakepointe Church, shared a story from his marriage that reflects what I am trying to convey. Josh, as s conservative pastor, has a strong social media presence. and he shared he had really big feelings the first time he got "cancelled" because he had spoken ttruth and he wondered if he would be able to support his family and continue his ministry. When he came into his house that evening, he was greeted by his children at the door who loved on him. Then as he entered the kitchen, he could see candles lit and the table beautifully set. He could smell his favorite meal cooking and asked his wife what was going on. She quoted Matthew 5:11, "Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is in heaven, for so the persecuted the prophets who were before you." She then grinned at him and said, "Tonight we are celebrating!" Josh's wife provided encouragement, comfort, and aide to her husband in the same way God did Israel.
I also believe that had I understood early in our marriage this crucial role to which I was called, I would have been more focused on fulfilling that role than judging how my husband was leading our family. I have a learned over the years that when I feel afraid, unsafe, or uncertain, my natural tendency is to become hypercritical of people or situations and believe that included my husband. Understanding God's design of the "ezer kenegdo" role, would have helped me overcome feelings of powerlessness from which that' critical spirit protected me and allow me the freedom to proactively look for ways to aid, support, and build up my husband in ways he could not do for himself. That would have allowed him to better lead and navigate the hard situations he faced.
Had I understood the "ezer kenegdo" role early in our marriage, I might have embraced more fully the reality of the messiness of marriage relationships. In every place we have lived we have been blessed with people who rooted for our marriage in the same way we rooted for theirs. Yet, I wonder if the fear of the messiness sometimes steered us at times to care more about the appearances of good marriages, than honestly doing the rewarding work it takes to build marriages God desires for us. Oh, that we would all become people who recognize we can through an "ezer knegdo" role encourage, aid, and support others in ways they can't do for themselves. And in that we can help one another build marriages that don't just last; they satisfy souls and reflect to the world the Father's heart towards us.
The "what I wish I knew when I first got married" leaves me curious about why I didn't discover the meaning of "helper suitable" earlier in life. But long ago I learned to trust God's wisdom and love and wonder if maybe He revealed these things to this gray-haired soul specifically at this time when so many people have such distorted views of our God and of the beauty of Christian marriages. I can't help but love how God's goodness always shines through His truth.
