Coming Out of Hiding

Hebrews 11:6

"And without faith it is impossible to please him,

for whoever would draw near to God must believe that He is

and that He rewards those who seek Him." 

A counselor friend recently suggested I watch a You Tube video called "Two Faced Two Roads Message. I loved John Lynch's message. It caused me to think back on my spiritual journey. Sometime early in childhood I became interested in God and asked questions about him--Who is He? Where does He live? Is He is a girl or boy? Okay questions for a curious three year old. Around that same time I was fast becoming a perfectionist because I believed I had to be very good and please others to be loved. When I got old enough to go to church on my own I carried that thinking over into my personal theology. I thought early on I had to be good and as Lynch said, I had to do more good than bad to be accepted into God's family. If you asked me if I believed that I would have said no, but my life and words indicated I did. At some point I attended an evangelistic church and said I wanted to be saved and I asked Jesus into my heart as they suggested. 

I don't remember what I learned about God in Sunday School and Church as a child. I may have had great pastors and teachers and taken what they said and skewed it with my childish black-white thinking. Or I may have had some teaching that helped mold my skewed thinking. Regardless of which was true, I continued to develop a people-pleasing, God-pleasing mentality that plagued me for years. As a teen I tried so hard to be good. I did well in school, participated in every curricular activity there was, worked part time, and didn't hang out with the party crowd. I avoided drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, and premarital sex. I even took it on myself to confront family members on things like racism and cursing. I spent a lot of time and energy trying to please God and my family. 

When I look back at those high school years, I notice interesting things. First, I had a very skewed view of God and His love. He says in His Word that He created us and He loves us. At the time I had this view that He loved me because he had to love me, but that did not equate into Him delighting in me as a daughter and wanting to spend time with me. I viewed Him as a distant God  waiting to zap me when I failed and as One who was bothered by me coming to Him in prayer. I went to churches that believed once saved always saved, but every time I so much as thought of a cuss word, fought with my siblings, disrespected my parents, or hurt someone with my words or my actions, I would confess it and ask Jesus into my life again and again, hoping this would be the time it would make me pleasing to God. I spent a lot of my time and energy trying please Him, because I believed it was in the pleasing I would find love and acceptance.  

Second I lived in a constant state of fear. One day I was going out the door to run an errand for my mom. The wind was blowing hard and it caught the door and slammed it on my hand. I screamed and let out a curse word in front of my mom who was standing directly in front of me. I not only expected her to slap me, I expected God to  destroy me. I looked so terrified, my mom started laughing, not understanding the fear coursing through my body, as I waited for God to slam me to the ground. That is probably the first case of spiritual PTSD recorded! 

Third, because I viewed God as distant and judgmental, I hid behind a good-girl mask, trying  to cover what was inside--so dirty, so deeply flawed, so incredibly needy, and sinful to the core. I even tried to take control of what felt out of control by over controlling food and weight until I nearly destroyed my body. I woke up early seven days a week and stayed up late exercising, studying, and going over things in my mind. No wonder I was bone tired and fell into bed, at times crying for hours until sleep would overtake me.  

A few years later my husband and I attended a church in Mississippi we consider our home church. I sat down with the pastor when he began teaching out of the book of Revelation, because I wanted to find out how to be ready for Christ's return. He had me read a book about end times, Come Lord  Jesus, that spoke of Jesus and His grace that offered such hope. We met again and the pastor talked to me about salvation through faith and the grace that was offered. At some point I made peace with salvation and understood it and haven't doubted it since. I wish that I could say that that ended the struggle with my perfectionism, but it didn't. I still hid some things from church people--things like the eating disorder that so often raised its ugly head, selfishness that showed itself when I want my way, jealousy that rose up when I see another woman who seems to trust God so easily, a judgmental spirit that judges another because the log in my own eye is so hard to take out, ugly thoughts that float through my head of their own accord, my history of sexual abuse and depression that carries such stigma in the church, an accident in high school that forever changed me, my imperfect marriage, and five precious kids that were full of energy, pranks, and bouts of rebellion which I now look back on fondly, and all sorts of feelings I was told good Christians don't feel. All that hiding and what I longed for most was to be known and to be loved for me, what ever that might be. I tried so hard to please, I had become a mixture of the people I respected and didn't even know who I was.  

After listening to Lynch's message, I think what bothered me the most is that living like that was saying something about God and that something was not true!. The way I was living said God was a hard task master whose standard was impossible to keep, making it impossible to please Him. It also said that God didn't want to spend time with me until I was perfect, and anybody who knows me well knows I am not that. A distant God indicates He doesn't want to be bothered by His children. That view is so the opposite of the Biblical view of God and the view of God that I now embrace.  

God began to chisel away at my tendency to hide. First, when my oldest child climbed out of bed after a nap and came pattering down the hall and peaked around the corner, I felt this overwhelming love flood my soul. I held my arms out and he ran into them, both of us laughing with delight. God impressed upon my heart that is the way He reacts when we approach him. That felt so good and it fed my desire to meet with Him early in the morning before the kids woke up. 

Second, God put a young youth pastor and his wife in my life who believed in transparency. I don't remember how many times I heard him tell the group, "You are just giving me a church answer! Let's get real!" One night he had asked us to stand if we wanted to make a specific commitment. I told him later I was afraid to stand because I knew I would fail. He smiled and said, "Welcome to the human race!" Not long after that, I met with his wife and another sweet lady for a prayer session. For the first time, I experienced deep prayer and transparency. I was real with them and them with me. I walked away seeing them even more beautiful than before. The person they "liked" was the real me.

Sadly, I bumped into others who said or did things that brought my old way of thinking back and I would put the mask of perfection back on. It was safer and even expected. Eventually I entered a long term counseling relationship with a Christian therapist. The first couple of years as I began to talk at a deeper level and found safety I found the courage to take the mask off more and more often. There I not only dealt with the hidden pain of my past, but I also began to look at the deeper parts of my heart--the parts I was afraid to face because they belied the good girl image. After a really rough conflict with another person, I remember processing with the counselor and she asked me what I felt. I whispered my answer, hoping not to be heard. "I think I hate her." She didn't turn away, scold me, or throw Bible verses at me. She looked at me with compassion and gently smiled. I think I followed it by saying I wondered what God must think of me now. She pointed out the truth. The truth was that He knew all along, and now that it was in the light where it could be changed. I could grow closer to Him because I was honest. I was able to taste grace because I admitted what I thought I could never say. I realized that telling God the truth in itself is an act of faith. Telling Him about my ugly thoughts, frustrations, and doubts shows I believe His blood is enough to cover my sin. Telling Him that I struggle to forgive when someone keeps wounding me shows I have believe He will help me get there. Telling Him my desire to be a grace giver is tainted by fear shows I am trusting Him to be my safety and courage. Telling Him my heart feels dry and craves intimacy shows I believe He will fill me to the brim. Telling Him about my failures to love shows I believe He will change me, bit by bit until what I know to be true is reflected in my life. 

I wish that every church was as safe as that counselor's office. I wish that men, women, and youth could share their struggles honestly and find love and acceptance I found while sharing my sinful parts. I wish they could share their deepest struggle with pornography, with lying, with drugs and alcohol, with fear, with depression, with broken relationships, with failures to love, with unresolved conflicts, and with doubts and be met with eyes that show acceptance and compassion rather than eyes turning away, rejecting the part of them of which they are most ashamed or eyes that roll in judgment and tongues that spout verses wielded to wound, not to heal.   

The closer I've become to God, the less I worry about what other's think and that is freeing. Some people like me, some hate me, and some don't think enough about me to decide one way or another. And I know some people who just don't know what to do with me, especially when I get real. That's okay, because this prodigal is home in grace and grace is where I plan to stay and grace is only experienced in the real!  

Had I known all that I know now when my kids were small. I would have parented differently. I would make sure they know I love them unconditionally and there is nothing that they can do to make me love them less-- not bad grades, not lies, not tears, not words spoken in anger, not disrespectful body language, not arguments with siblings, not outward acts of rebellion, not sneaking around--none of which can melt this mama's love. I would make sure they didn't have to do anything to please me, just learn to trust me and my love. If they learned that , then everything else would have fallen into place. I would have also told them God has captured my heart with His grace and that it's theirs for the taking by faith. I would have made sure they understood they didn't have to spend a life time trying to do things and hiding who they are living in a messy fallen world attempting to please God. All that needed to be done was done by Christ on the Cross, just believe!

"For without faith it is impossible to please God!" It didn't say without perfection. It didn't say without good works. It didn't say without going to church twenty times a week. It didn't say without doing penance. It didn't say without participating in visitation every week. It didn't say without being involved in every ministry advertised at church. Please, don't get me wrong, I love ministry and everyone is gifted for it. But doing ministry to please God or people results in us doing things for which we aren't gifted or called to do. Serving from a transparent heart filled with the love and the acceptance that God gives is refreshing and fulfilling, not draining. Can I encourage you to do some self examination to determine if you are living to please God or if you are trusting Him and basking in His grace? The cross not only makes the way of salvation, it allows us to remove masks to come out of hiding, allowing beautiful messy selves to be known. For under all the messiness is the image bearer He created us to be. Removing masks allows us to be children after His own heart--children known by the grace they give. 

This Life of Messy Faith--Thoughts from Chapter 4 of Esther

A few weeks ago I mentioned our church is going through the book of Esther. This last Sunday's sermon on Esther Chapter 4 was both powerful and practical. I encourage you to listen to it at www.riverlakeschurch.org.

In this chapter Esther has become queen and her guardian, Mordecai, has refused to bow down to Haman who was second in command to the king. At this time Mordecai had chosen to make it known that his reason for not bowing was because he was a Jew. Haman, enraged, got the king to issue a  edict declaring an appointed day would be execution day for all the Jews in the land. Letters were sent to all governors in the land in the King's name, stamped with the king's seal, making the edict an irrevocable law. Mordecai hears of the law and puts on sack cloth and ashes and sits at the palace gate grieving loudly. Other Jews hearing the decree  begin to fast, grieve, and lament along with him. The people in Esther's court let her know about Mordecai's actions and she sends a servant to find out why he's grieving. Mordecai lets her know of the plan Haman connived and he entreated her to approach the king and plead for the lives of her people. She lets Mordecai know she's not been summoned by the king and that approaching him without being summoned could put her life at risk if he chose not to find favor with her.

I love Mordecai's response to Esther. He warns her that as a Jew she, too, is in danger and not exempt from the edict. He tells her if she chooses not to approach the king he is confident that relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from somewhere else. But then he poses to her the possibility that she may have been made queen for this very purpose. Her life in danger no matter what she chose to do. I imagine her fear grew as she realizes there is no safe option for her. She has come face to face with one of those life defining events that has the potential to alter the course of her life and the lives of many others as well. She considers his request and delivers some requests of her own. She asks those mourning to fast three days along with her and her ladies. Then she would approach the king ending her message with, "...if I perish, I perish!"

Life defining moments can come suddenly and instantaneously. Some examples of this type of defining moments could be the temptations we face daily. For some it might be the temptation to use pornography. For addicts it might be the temptation to take a drink. It might be the temptation to commit adultery, to lie on taxes, to fudge data on a research projects, or skim money off the company books. It might be the temptation to say harsh words that do irreparable damage to relationships.

Defining moments can also come in the form of choices. Do we move or do we stay? Do I take this job or that job?  Do I attend a local college or one far away? Do we attend the neighborhood church or the one across town? Do we go on the mission field or stay on the home field? Do I foster this friendship or look for a different one?

Defining moments can also be life events that have huge impacts upon our lives. They might be a natural disasters. They might be fires or accidents that cause injuries that alter our lives either for a season or for a life time. They might be illnesses like cancer, rheumatoid arthritis, or Epstein Bar that leave us exhausted to the core. They might be the death of people we love or relationships ending in conflict or an unexpected divorce. They might be acts of abuse or violence perpetrated against us, causing emotional pain, PTSD, skewed thinking, and a hampered ability to trust or ability to connect at a heart level. They might be the problems of dealing with a special needs child who has autism or learning disabilities.

Some defining moments may alter our lives in such away that they present ongoing defining moments. For example, parents whose children are born with heart defects and have to face untold surgeries and the continuous monitoring of their children. Some come in the form of injuries that caused chronic pain that brings with it depression and frustration of living with chronic issues. Some come in the form of fertility issues and all the questions that come with that. Some are those living with family members who suffer with Alzheimer. Some moments come in the form of jobs lost or messy, broken relationships that are full of temptations and frustrations.

When we look at the defining moment that Esther found herself facing we can see it forced her to define her identity, expose what she believed both of which drove her choice to act. Originally Mordecai had told Esther wasn't to reveal her identity as a Jew. Now she was face to face with the decision to make known her true identity as a Jew or not. I can't help but wonder if those believers brutally murdered by ISIS wrestled with the same questions Esther did.

As believers, every time we face defining moments and fail, it is because we forget in the moment who we are as God's children--beloved, set apart, empowered, and gifted. I serve in a ministry that ministers to wounded women who have long defined themselves by what others have said and done to them or by what the enemy has whispered in their ear in the aftermath--you know those ugly lies that paralyze and shame--lies like stupid, ugly, invisible, unloved, unlovable, too much, not enough, and unworthy. Even though most finish our groups embracing their true identity in Christ, they continue to face defining moments only to have old messages resurface in their mind forcing them to choose again and again to believe the truth of who they really are in Him. Sadly, we sometimes make choices to hide our identities. I remember in college I played down my faith, afraid a guy wouldn't like me if he knew I was a believer. That choice burned guilt so hot in my soul that I soon repented, beginning to be more open about my true identity. If we could grasp the concept of identity, it would govern many of our decisions and our actions, especially when the flesh is in a raging battle with the spirit within who longs to do good. 

Mordecai and Esther also had to also come to terms with what they believe about God. Did they believe He was good? Did they believe He was truly Israel's redeemer and their salvation? Did they believe He had a sovereign plan for their lives in life or in death? Did they believe that it mattered to God what they chose to do? Did they believe His promise to preserve their nation?

We, too, face those same kinds of decisions. Parents who bury children have to come to terms with what they really believe about God. Is there really an afterlife? Is God really good? Does He really care about their pain? Can He really work this horrible situation and this devastation to their good?

Those who experience natural disasters will have to wrestle with their beliefs about God who allows widespread destruction as they pick through the remains of the home that the earth shook into a rubble or as they remember the children snatched from arms by a tsunami's rage. A woman who has begun to have flashbacks of childhood sexual abuse will wrestle long and hard with who God is as  she is plagued by the memory of praying for safety only to be victimized again. She will have to decide at some point if she can believe God is good and trustworthy as she grapples with His sovereignty in allowing such evil to be perpetrated against innocent children.

The defining moment that Esther faced also brought her face to face with fear. Some believe fear is sin, but I don't. It is a great emotion God gave to help us stay safe. Esther probably had a big dose of it pounding in her chest, making her hesitant to approach the king uninvited, knowing he had already banished one queen and she wasn't considered a mutually partner. It was in the choice Esther made to acknowledge her identity and believe God is who He says He is, that lead her to believe He should be glorified either by her life or by her death that gave her the courage to act. They fasted and prayed, and she came up with a wise plan. 

In looking back at my life defining moments I thought of the time a son was being wheeled into surgery after his spleen ruptured. I face the fear of possibly losing a child. I wrestled with my identify as a believer that night in the waiting room. Even with the crowd of family surrounding me, as a mother I felt totally alone. It was terrifying to realize there was nothing I could do to insure that I would get the outcome I so desperately wanted. There were  complications that kept him in ICU for ten or eleven days and then in the regular room for six. There were times I felt I couldn't handle any more thing and wondered if he could continue to fight his way back to health. But as I remembered my identity in Christ, I remembered that as alone as I felt, I was not alone! I wrestle with what I believed about God, knowing in my head He is good--but not fully trusting it in my heart. I had to decide if I really believed in His goodness down to the core of my being where my soul needed peace. For you see, I never doubted that He could heal, but for me it was a matter of seeing His goodness as our son dealt with pain, as the fluid collected around his heart, and the possibility of maybe another surgery after having been cut open wide already. The decision to remind myself of who I really am and to choose to trust God is truly good helped me to sit there and engage with my son all those long days and long nights without falling apart. Choosing to pray to God who held his life in balance gave me hope and strength when I had nothing left to give. During that time God allowed me to see my son through new eyes and it gave us sixteen days in close quarters to truly get to know each other. I gained a whole lot of respect for him as a young man facing some really tough, scary stuff. I grew compassion for other mothers and father's going though medical issues with their kids.

Another thing happened after hearing the sermon Sunday. My husband and I went out to eat. I noticed a couple in the restaurant. He was sitting beside her and feeding her. She didn't appear to be very cognizant of her surroundings, but he was so very attentive and so kind to her. When they left, he helped her stand and then took her hands in his and he walked backwards so that she could walk forward. They were face to face as she took small shuffling steps. He was looking directly into her eyes and smiling kindly at her the whole times, ignoring all the commotion of the busy place. They would go about five or six steps and then he would taker her into his arms and embrace her sweetly and then after a moment or two they would resume the shuffle. They did this repeatedly. It took them twenty minutes to get to their car. Whatever has caused her to be in the state she is in had to be a huge defining moment for them as a couple. Then every day that he cares for her, he will be faced with defining moment after defining moment. He can choose to love with acceptance, with patience, with kindness, and with endurance even when she can't give respond in kind or he can get angry over the circumstances and choose to be impatient and bitter. In watching him treat her with tenderness, I had the feeling that I was on sacred ground and was seeing him live out his true identity--his identity as a man, as a husband, and as a believer. I had the feeling I was given the privilege of seeing Jesus loving and encouraging her through her spouse. "Come on, Sweetie, just take one more step." And the significance was that it was one more step with Him!

Sometimes, defining moments are small, but, oh, they have the potential to impact life in huge ways because we have a huge God! I think most people face those "small" moments in marriage, especially after kids come, when life gets busy, when jobs get demanding, when energy runs low, when neglect of relationships happens, and when the distance between spouses is so great it stirs up loneliness that cuts to the soul allowing seeds of bitterness to be implanted. Its in these time when each longs to be seen and to be heard that hope runs low and we tend to retreat to protect our hearts. That is when the "small" defining moments come. We know those moments--the moments when God tugs at our heart to be the first to reach out and take a hand, to refill a mate's cup, or to speak a sentence of affirmation to a heart hurting as much as our own. It is in that moment when everything in us wants to wait for the other to move first to save face that humility can help us push past the fear of being hurt again. What if its in the humility and the choosing to be the first to move one tiny degree closer to the one we miss that changes everything around? What if its that hesitant touch, that thirst offering, or that kindness spoken that stirs the last ember of love so it can grow and flourish again? What if we learn to recognize that the temptation to leave is a life defining moment that gives us a chance to remember who we are as believers, as spouses, as moms or dads, or as friends? What if that moment gives us an opportunity to truly remember who God is and trust His ability to write redemption stories? What if this small act gives us a chance to move our knowledge of God from head to heart, giving us both the will and the power to act? What if its in that moment that we snatch the victory from the enemy seeking to destroy our souls and prove to ourselves and to the world that God redeems the messiest of the messes.

I would love for you to share about some of your defining moments in the comments here or on our Facebook page. Can you see how those defining moments have impacted your life, how they have brought you face to face with your belief and maybe even your unbelief? How different our stories might be if we each grab on to this concept of defining moments bringing us face to face with our identity, what we believe, and our choices.

The View from Down Here

"For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face.

Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known."

1 Corinthians 13:12

 

Our church just started a series on the book of Esther called, Messy Faith, Finding our Story in Esther. The sermon this week left me thinking about the concept of "messy faith." Now the book of  about all the different reasons a life of faith is so messy. The book of Esther deals with believers living in an unbelieving world much like Daniel and his friends did. From the first reading of the book, I surmised that Esther and Mordecai handled living in a foreign culture very differently than Daniel and friends. As we work through the book I am sure I will write about what I am learning from the series. But mostly this week I just thought about the concept of "messy faith." It is an interesting term and I more than like will use it a bit differently than our pastor is using it in his series.

When I was a child, I was invited to church by friends and I went. I somehow developed this picture that if one did everything good (which I know now is impossible) God would be pleased and my life would be blessed and everything would make sense. Though I came to understand my sinfulness, Christ payment for sin, God's grace, and redemption through faith, I still had some crazy misconceptions of the faith walk and they left me feeling shame to the point I believed I was a second class citizen in the body of Christ. Over the course of time, those misconceptions have been corrected, which I thought would make the Christian life less messy. But it hasn't! There are several reasons for this.

First, this life we live is messy because we, as believers, are regenerated beings indwelt by the Holy spirit living in fleshly bodies that still have the propensity to sin. The Spirit reveals and convicts us of sin at its deepest level--the level of the heart. This means that we have an internal battle raging in us--a strong desire to sin and a strong desire to obey God and live worthy of our calling. The Bible says we can overcome those desires but it also uses words like "die to self" to show us it is not easy. Yet, often we are quick to judge each other when we are struggling.  Life is messy as the Spirit heightens our sensitivity to sin and causes us to sorrow over sin so we begin to recognize sin at the level of the heart--the sin that no one sees, but we know it well and we want to hide it.

The life of faith is also messy because there is an Enemy who has ultimately been defeated at the cross. Yet, he still slithers around seeking whom he can destroy. But right now his power has been reduced to lies and half truths which have the power of a whole lie. He is sneaky and he is persistent. He whispers the lies so often that they become second nature to us. That is when we fully believe them as truth and they become a part of our core system and remain a stronghold making faith messier than it needs to be. Then Satan can take a step back. Those lies run through our mind of their own accord like a broken record that keeps replaying and replaying. He smiles as he watches the lies destroy us and our relationships.

One of those lies for me was, "I am unlovable." Because I had that lie (and a few others), I didn't take good care of myself physically and lived in bondage to an eating disorder and unresolved emotional pain. I didn't have healthy boundaries and didn't speak truth in love to those wounding me. I didn't communicate my desires, needs, or expectations in relationships and found my self interpreting every action others took through the belief that I was unlovable. When I began to grasp that I was unconditionally, radically loved by God that lie began to dissipate and relational problems began to get better.

Another lie I developed was that I was invisible. This will sound weird to some, but to others it will resonate to the core of your being. When I was getting some counseling for an eating disorder my therapist asked me what word I would used to describe myself as a child. The word that I immediately came up with was invisible. I later prayed with a prayer director, who told me that she believed God wanted me to renounce something she had never heard of. It was the spirit of invisibility! We did so that day and within a week I came across the story of Hagar who was Sarah's handmaiden. She had been sent away and was crying in the wilderness. God came to her and spokes to her and she ascribed the name El Roi to Him, which means the God who sees. Then one year at a conference, I was feeling invisible. I saw a shirt I liked and would not ordinarily buy. My friends and my husband encouraged me to buy it and I wore it the next day. I had so many people compliment me that I was overwhelmed. I realized that because I believed I was invisible, I dressed in a way that no one noticed me. I sat and spoke so quietly--essentially making myself somewhat invisible to others.

Another reason a life of faith is messy is rgat a life of faith is a life of relationships. We are all messy beings and, yet, made to desire relationships with each other. We have wounds and this desire to protect our hearts from more pain rages with this desire for relationship--messiness in all of its glory. As humans we have the tendency to filter what we see, what we think, and what we hear through several lenses. The lens of past experiences, core beliefs, spiritual gifting, and past history with people. As humans, we are all growing and changing and at the same time we are filtering through years of baggage even when we try not to. Most of us don't look at our baggage and understand it as baggage. We have tendency in our wounding to develop cognitive distortions and we don't always see and interpret things accurately. We can make mountains out of mole hills. We can expect others to be all good or all bad instead of the blend of both they are, We can hold on to magical thinking and feel disappointed when it doesn't work out.

We also have a messy view of God. Children often learn about the unseen God by looking at the authority figures in their lives. If we had a fairly healthy home, we will have a fairly healthy view of God. If we grew up with parents who were perfectionists who harshly judged, we will more than like attribute those same characteristics to God and fail to see His love and His grace. We also may have had a pastor who had an inaccurate view of God whose preaching skewed our view. We have to constantly compare our view of God with the truth of His Word and have open discussions with other believers who have a strong faith.

Finally, we have a messy faith because we are human and have a very limited view of spiritual things from down here. Psalm 139:16 tells us, "...in your book were written, every one of them the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." There is nothing in our lives that surprises God, but there is a whole lot in our lives that shocks the heck out of us. That is because we can't see all that God sees. We can't see how the hard we experience now will be worked for our good and for His glory. There are several Biblical examples of what I am trying to say. I know if I put myself  Sarah's shoes, I would have felt like God was messing with me and I would have become very angry, First, she Abe lived in a culture where people worshiped fertility gods and they were struggling with infertility. God calls them out and promises them a child. They wait and they wait and they age well past the normal age of conception. Talk about feeling invisible and teased by the God of the universe. From the view from here they couldn't see what God was doing. Then at the right time--the time when it would truly take a miracle God raised their bodies to conceive showing Himself to be the one true God of life.

Then there is Daniel, who was thrown into the lion's den because of His faith and his friends who were thrown into a fiery furnace. Remember, they were faithful men living in a Godless culture, They could only see what you and I could see. Yet, they chose to remain faithful, even though there were no guarantees. And God, saved Daniel from hungry lions and his friends from fire. Some believers don't have their lives preserved like that. Hebrews 11 says that some remained faithful and died without having seen the fulfillment of their faith. Yet, God honors both in the hall of faith! I honestly don't know why He works one way one time and another at a different time. I do know from having been witness to 21 people slaughtered for their faith that the church is being stirred out of a dream state to live boldly for Christ.

Then there is Christ himself. What appeared to be the darkest day for his disciples and for mankind ended up being anything but. He came to earth to be the promised Messiah. His disciples had to have been confused by the events that followed the last supper. They didn't have any more insight into the events of their day than we do of ours and all of a sudden their fearless leader is washing their feet, praying so passionately He sweats blood, is succumbing to arrest, being tried illegally, and hanging on a cross as the sky darkens, ground shakes, and graves open. From their perspective that day, it looked like the Enemy won. but, we see it differently on Resurrection Day. The darkest time was when the greatest act of love was carried out and our sin was put on His body so He could impute His righteousness to us.

There are times when we look back we can see things from His view. One man from a former church shared his daughter left college for a year and moved in with him. He then lost a job and for almost a year he couldn't find one. He couldn't understand what God was doing until he later lost the daughter suddenly to illness. He had an extraordinary year with his daughter that he would never have had had he been working. What looked like a hardship was blessing.

Several years ago I went through a pretty rough time in ministry which eventually led me to a completely different type of ministry. I prayed while going through that time and felt unheard and invisible to God. But I wasn't. In the new ministry I wrote books that we use and many women here have found healing going through them. I have even had women from other places across the country contact me and tell me how much my writing has helped them heal and reconnect with God. Even this year, I have been writing a book that I have at times doubted I was to write. Repeatedly I have had people encourage me in one way or another to continue writing. About a week ago, I was really struggling with it and ready to quit and a friend I haven't seen in awhile wrote me and said she didn't know why she was writing me the things she was. I knew! I wasn't sure about the book I was writing. I wasn't sure if the chapter I was writing was even supposed to be in the book and what she was sharing with me was the very thing with which I was wrestling and her letter helped me know I was to proceed. That I knew her long ago at a time that was painful for her and that she wrote me as I was writing was nothing either of us could see in the past or now, until it played out.

We do have some advantages over the people in the Bible. We have the advantage of seeing stories  sovereignly authored by God displayed in Scripture. Knowing this, we can begin to see how He works in people's lives take notes on how He is working in ours and in the lives of those we love. These written counts can encourage us when the view from down here looks bleak and hope wavers. The accounts can remind us that though our view from here is limited by finite minds, God's view isn't. We serve a God who pens our stories whose view is from the eternal and sees all from the beginning to the end. We serve a God who lovingly knits our good from what we perceive to be bad. We serve a God with a great big view.

Grace: My Worth in the Face of Unworthiness

Music is a powerful gift. When we watch scary movies, fear is intensified as the music builds towards the climax of the movie. When we listen to joyful music our spirits are lifted and we find ourselves tapping our foot or dancing a little or maybe a lot. Some runners play music because it helps them push through those points in which they want to quit. Some music can be used to numb emotions, distract from discomfort, cover fear, maintain focus, or ease pain. On the other hand, music can be a very powerful avenue to help us express our emotions and our passions. Music can even be tied to memories. When we hear songs that were playing when we went through something it can take us back, emotionally to that moment. Couples who have had a Special song when they were dating can be reminded of their early feelings of love and infatuation when they hear it in the present. If a certain song was played at a funeral of someone we love, we experience feelings of melancholy on hearing it again. If we sang spiritual songs at a retreat in which God moved in our hearts in significant ways, those songs may bring us back to that joy when we hear them. 

Sometimes God uses music to plant his truth in our hearts--those truths we know so well in our heads that we dismiss them without thinking about them. While I was struggling with shame over a besetting sin, I was out walking and listening to praise music. And a song came on that described Jesus on the cross and all of a sudden I saw in my head a picture of Jesus with the names of my sins etched in His skin and He was looking at me with love. The truth that His love drove Him to obey His Father by taking my sin in His body and dying on the cross so He could impute His righteousness to me became more real to me than it had ever  been before. It helped me grow past the shame, which was good because my shame wasn't setting me free from the sin. The love I felt that day and the love that welled up with in me was the motivation I needed to fight the sin's control and to turn to Him for Strength.

This week someone posted a song on Facebook that I posted on our page. The song looked interesting when I saw it. It is called "My Worth is not in What I Own." It is sung by a group named Getty and they produce powerful music. There was one phrase that caught my attention and gives me goose bumps every time I hear it. The phrase is:

"Two wonders here that I confess, my worth and my unworthiness."

In my mind those seemed like opposing truths. However, the more I've wrestled with it the phrase the more I realize that they aren't opposing truths. In fact they are both true.

Since the fall the human race has been born in sin. I've no problem believing that when I look at my own life. The selfishness I find dwelling in my heart, the critical spirit that often rises up when I feel vulnerable, the lies that quickly come to mind when I want to cover my faults, the defensiveness that demands my rights, respect, and my way, the sharp words that roll so easily off the tongue, and the lack of love displayed in many situations bear witness of the sin that still dwells in my flesh--the ugly sin that rages war against my revived spirit whose desire is to follow Jesus and to love well.

Romans 3:23 says, "For all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God." Our sin, my sin is what make me unworthy.

I sensed something in me made me unworthy long before I was capable of understanding it. Some of that came from emotional wounding, but some of it came from the sin that dwelt in my very being. Over the years I compensated by trying to find my worth in a variety of places. I tried to find it in being a good daughter. I tried to find it in being a good student. I tried to find it in being a successful employee. I tried to find it in being a wife. I tried to find it in being a mom. I tried to find it in earning money, in having a nice home, a growing ministry, and sweet friends. I could go on and on... But to be perfectly honest, not only with you, but with myself, none of those things ever gave me a sense of being made worthy. Nor did they do anything to make me feel worthy. That is simply because I am so perfectly imperfect.

People couldn't help me with it either, because people ascribe worth to people for different reasons. Some ascribe worth to those who have an education. For some, high school fulfilled the requirement, for others it was a bachelors, for some a masters, and for some a doctorate. Some people ascribe worth to people based on jobs they hold and whether they are blue collar jobs or white collar jobs. Some people ascribe worth based on the number of hours people volunteer for service projects, the amount of money paid to charitable organizations, or the type of ministry one has. Some ascribe worth to being married, having children, or attending certain churches.

For me the signs that I was trying to find my worth in the wrong places was the uncomfortable feelings that would often show up. For example. right after our first baby was born I became a stay at home mom. We were visiting a new church and we were asked to share our names and our professions. Most of the women were working and I felt a sense of shame as I explained I was just a mom. I wanted to tell them I had a math degree and had graduated with high honors and had worked as a computer programmer until baby, but I didn't. One of the ladies gently said to me, "Oh, you are not "just a mom!" That is one of the most important jobs you will ever do." Other times I noticed discomfort when someone new was coming over and I wished our home were bigger or our furniture newer. In essence, when I put my worth in the wrong things, I found myself exchanging gratitude for the shameitude that comes from seeking worth in wrong places.

It dawned on me a few years ago that my value isn't something that I can earn. Value is something one ascribes to another. If I value a person, I will value a gift that they have given me. If I value a person I will most likely set aside time and energy to enjoy them. I will listen to their words and try to hear their heart in the stories they share. I will seek ways to honor and respect them. I will attempt to show them kindness. There isn't anything that they can do to earn value from me, it is simply a grace that I give as a result of connection or of deep respect for who God created them to be. 

As I listened to the song I mentioned, I realized there are several ways God has shown me, has shown us that He values us. The Bible is full of them, but I will share a few.

First, God created man in His image and He said that it was good. He entered into relationships with His created beings and after the fall He provided a covering for sin and a way to reconcile ourselves to Him.

Second, He gave us the law. When I was young, I viewed the law as a standard and viewed God as a harsh judge waiting for me to fail so He could zap me with some kind of punishment or reject me as a lost cause. But in reality the law is a set of standards God designed to protect what He valued. Some of the laws are designed to protect our relationship with Him while others are designed to show us how to love others and how to protect relationships with those we love. That He wants His relationship with us protected is proof He loves us and ascribes worth to us. He values us enough to want us to enjoy relationships with one another and to grow as a result of being a part of them. The law also exposes our inability to love as He loves apart from Him and point out our need for a Savior and some one to empower us to love as He loves.

Third, God gave us a record of stories of people who had encounters with Him. Those stories written over a long span of time reveal God and His character to us. They reveal His heart, His character, and the Story that He is writing. They reveal His love. He wants us to know Him and He offers us a way to enter into relationship with Him.

Fourth, God sent His Son, Jesus. Jesus willingly took on flesh, leaving glory and veiling His deity to rub shoulders with his creation in all of their messiness, showing them more fully the Father's heart. He chose to  experienced life as we know it, so we would understand His love from our limited human perspective. He called people to walk with Him and learn from Him and to experience the heart of God first hand. He took on flesh so that He could become the final sacrifice for our sin. 

Remember we know how much something is valued by what one is willing to do to get it, by what one is willing to do to preserve it, and by what one is willing to do to protect it. I find my worth in the fact that Christ  not only created me, He left heaven, He took on flesh, He took my sin in His body, and died facing His Father's wrath for my sin and imputed His goodness to me. He ascribed value to me and to you by extending me His unending grace.

Fifth, He ascribes worth to me, through the gift of the Holy Spirit who indwells us to teach and to seal until the day of redemption. So the truth of the song is that I have worth, not because I could earn it. I have it because of what Jesus has done for me despite my unworthiness. I love grace, especially grace that is worth being ascribed in the reality of my unworthiness.      

  

Love Those Mighty Oaks!



I started attending church with friends in grade school. I wasn't familiar with church lingo and what I heard often raised questions, which I would boldly ask in Sunday School. I now realize that some of those questions probably made teachers uncomfortable. For example, one Christmas I asked what a virgin was. The teacher hesitated and then mumbled that it meant Mary was a good girl. In high school when I was reading the Christmas story in the Bible the truth of what a virgin really is hit me.  As I read, I struggled with doubt, because I knew virgins don't have babies. This created guilt because I had never doubted before. As I continued reading I was able to reason that God doesn't lie so the story had to be true. A host of other questions whirled through my head---questions like did she sense the conception or did she simply wake up one day with morning sickness. 

 

Needless to say, I began to read the Bible with new eyes and a questioning mind. This lead to new a understanding of what the Bible was about, but it also lead to many more questions. I discovered other confusing stories in the Old Testament. Stories of people who were liars, and murders. I also found stories of unfaithfulness in marriages and unfaithfulness in people's relationships with God. I secretly wondered how much wrong had to be done to be too disgraceful for God to redeem. And of courses there was the problem of my own failures and my own sins, both open and secret that left me wondering if I was truly saved. I felt guilty all of the time--guilty for what I thought about when I read and guilty for the sinfulness that dwelt within me. 

 

After I was married, we moved to Mississippi and sat under a pastor-teacher who taught the Bible verse by verse and who was energized by questions. For eight years I got to hear his teaching and ask all my questions and discuss the Scriptures with him and with other believers. It was there that I fully understood the significance of the virgin birth and believed the truth of the God-man, Christ. In that church I made peace with many of the stories in the Bible. I also changed my view about the Bible. I had mistakenly believed people in the Bible were good and earned their Salvation and God's love. But, I came to understand the concept of grace and the concept that the Bible as a redemption story. Even though the doctrine is complete and provides all that we need to know, redemption stories are still being penned in the lives of people to this day by God Himself.

I fell in love with the Savior who saved me by grace through faith. I became grateful for grace that
was big enough to save liars, murderers, prostitutes, and unfaithful people who just like me had visible sins and hidden sins of the heart. I fell in love with the Savior who is in the business of transforming broken and sinful people into the people He created them to be--people who reflect His loving image to a lost and dying world.

I wish I could say I've made peace with every story in the Word. But I can't. There's one story in particular that haunts me every time I read it. When I read it, a strange mix of compassion, rage, and frustration rise up within me--emotions so strong that I want to scream. The story I am talking about is the story of Ammon and Tamar. They are siblings who share a common father, King David. But they don't have the same mother. Their story is found in 2 Samuel 13:1-22. It begins with a description of Ammon's lust for his virgin sister, Tamar. She lived in her mother's home and as was the custom she was kept in seclusion as a King's daughter. So, he had no access to her. His lust was so strong for her that he literally became ill.

That makes me angry! It's not because he experiences lust, but because he doesn't deal with it. Men given to lustful patterns don't seem to grasp that lust isn't love and lust doesn't make a man a man. Confessing and dealing with lust as it surfaces and choosing to do what is right in the face of it is what makes a man great. Choosing to treat a woman with honor in the face of lust shows godly strength, not giving into lust and pining away longing for what's not rightfully theirs to have.

Ammon's cousin Jonadab comes to visit. He's a crafty guy who noticed Ammon's  melancholy state and asked about it. Ammon confessed his lust to him and Jonadab devised a plan that gave Ammon access to Tamar.

That raises my anger a couple of notches! The last thing Ammon needed to do was share his struggle with someone known to be conniving! And the last thing Ammon needed was for someone to encourage his lust! What happened to reminding a friend of laws forbidding such relationships? What happened to an offer of accountability? What happened to the reminder that wrongful actions as a king's son would have far reaching consequences? What happened to the reminder that, as a brother, his was to protect and care for his beautiful sister? Is that really the best you two can do? 

Ammon carries out the plan by feigning illness and asking King David, to send his sister Tamar with food. David complies.

Oh, Come on, David? I am sure you could have sent a servant instead! Why would you comply to such a request?

She arrived with food and Ammon orders everyone to leave. He called her to bring the food into his chambers so she could feed him.

When I read that part, everything in me is screaming, "Don't do it.!"

As she came close to him with the food he grabbed her arm and asked her to lie with him. She says, "No!" in every possible way. She directly stated her "NO! verbally. She resisted him physically. She reminded him that to take her by force would be rape and should not be done. She called it "a disgraceful thing that should not be done in the land," which served to remind him of the prior rape of Dinah and the consequences Israel faced. She even appealed to him to talk to the king about marrying her. Ignoring her pleas, he brutally raped her.

My anger has just about hit the top!

As so often happens in the aftermath of sin, Ammon's lust gave way to hatred fueled by shame and her pain. Ammon orders Tamar to leave. She pleas for him to make it right and marry her and he angrily has his servant cast her out.

She returned home to sit in his shame. She puts ashes on her head and tears the royal garment that had marked her as a virgin and stored it away. She sat in her grief. She grieved her disgrace. She grieved her pain. She grieved the loss of relationship that was now marred by rape. She grieved a wedding that would not ever take place. She grieved the loss of trust in men. She grieved the loss of a sense of self as her personal boundaries were denied and her choices were not honored. She grieved the hope of the longings of the loving married sex Solomon had written about and she grieved all else that was stripped away by brutal force.

Another brother, Absalom, came to visit her and asks about the events that took place at Ammon's. He was compassionate, offering her a home and protection. He tells her not to take it to heart, not realizing rape had already ripped gaping holes in her heart--holes not easily repaired. He doesn't speak to Ammon, but later takes revenge.

There are twelve words in the story that make me the angriest of all!

Those words are, "When King David heard all of these things, he became very angry."

The mighty warring king all of a sudden becomes a weak spineless man in the face of the disgrace that took place in his own home? 

There is nothing in the story that tells us that he confronted his son. There is nothing in the story that tells us that he carried out any type of justice on the behalf of Tamar. And even worse, there is nothing in the story that tells us that he went to his daughter and comforted her. I long to hear him confront Ammon.

I long to hear him take action on her behalf. I long to hear him comfort her and tell her she is still his beautiful beloved daughter. I long to hear him apologize that he had unknowingly taken part in such an evil plan. I long to hear him tell that Ammon's shame is not hers to bear and to give her an opportunity with his help to hand it back to him. I long to see him tell her that he will carry out justice on her behalf. I long for more. I long for more, not just for her, but for every other woman victimized by abuse. But there was nothing more said of the action of David's first born son!

I am also very frustrated!

We are told that she lived her life in Absalom's home in a desolate state. The word desolate indicates she lived in a bleak emptiness, wretched and unhappy. It should not have ended there. The verses in Isaiah 61:1-3 convey to us what God desires for his people. They state, "The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor, He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion--to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD that he may be glorified!" 

These are the verses God gave me as He gave me the vision of a ministry for women who struggle with past sexual abuse. They come into our groups because they're stuck in the pain of their past and it is governing their lives in some way. Some come in to work on stuff for the first time and others because the work they did wasn't enough. Some come in because they have been labeled and lead to believe they'll never ever get better because their core beliefs are so entrenched their emotions, thoughts  and actions have begun to affect their personality. They were essentially told the most they could ever be is a shadow of who God created them to be...kind of like being a bent tree in a forest full of tall strait trees.

The women who walk into our groups are poor in the sense they are needy. They need to be heard. They need to have their stories validated. They need to be shown the way out of the abyss they are living in. They need to be deeply, profoundly loved in their pain and dysfunction. They are broken hearted by what was done to them and what was said to them or not said to them in the aftermath. They are captive to their past and captive to the lies of the enemy seeking to keep them from fully loving and trusting Jesus--the very One who can heal hearts, give hope, and make sense of painful stories. They need to know they have found favor with God and that the vengeance is perfectly meted out by His hands. They need to fully face their pain and go through a season of grief with others who understand and who can help them wash away the ashes of grief and the ashes of their dysfunctional lives. They need to sit with others who can teach them to focus on what is praise worthy so that their spirits would be strengthened and their hearts healed. They need to believe that the Lord is placing a beautiful headdress--a crown befitting His princesses and clothing them in His goodness. They need to know that God has not called them to live as weak bent over trees, but as oaks...mighty oaks, planted with His love and His power. They need healing so He can be glorified by their redemption stories. Most of the women come stuck because of strongholds that have taken root. But the truth is there is not a root that God's truth cannot destroy. The women don't have to live as shadows of what God created them to be. They can live full, productive, joyful lives. I don't care how strong the strongholds are, our God is stronger yet.

As I write this, I write with a heavy heart. While most people look forward to Super Bowl weekend, I find myself grieving. It is one of the heaviest weekends in the year for sex trafficking. More and more is coming out about sex trafficking. What was once called lightly, "the oldest profession" is being exposed as a sick, disgusting, degrading business in which young girls and women find themselves entrapped, kidnapped, drugged, and controlled so that others profit off of their bodies. I am asking you to join with me in asking God to provide all that is needed for victims to escape their perpetrators, for all the loved that is needed for survivors healing, and for all the patience that is needed for their growth in Him. Pray that He would display His power by releasing captives and  by growing them into might oaks that are a display His splendor for the world to see.     

The Way of Grace -- Part 2: The Lacing of Grace and Truth

"And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us,

and we have seen His glory,

glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth." 

John 1:14

 

I am a very curious person by nature. I like to know how things are made and what makes things work. I loved watching children's TV shows with my kids when they were young. These shows  would take the audience into factories and show how to make things like crayons, graham crackers, and musical instruments. I also love movies in which the plot not only reveals the actions of characters, but the reasons behind their actions. When we take road trips, I also love to get off the freeway and drive through small towns and take time to walk the main streets and look for a local restaurants to eat in. This fills my curiosity about the feel of the town and some of its residence. 

 

This curiosity I have is also often triggered when I am reading the Bible. Especially when I read a verse like John 1:14. When I did inductive Bible Studies, I often made lists of the names and characteristics of Jesus that I came across in the books I studied. There were many names and many characteristics on my lists. So, when I read the description of Jesus above I am curious as to why God chose just "full of grace and truth" to describe Him.  

 

It was not until I did a study on shame for one the books I wrote that I began to see the significance of the lacing together of truth and grace. We would do well to keep in mind that when Jesus came to earth, the Pharisee's had developed a legalistic religious system that was very burdensome for the people of Israel. They had written many laws that people were supposed to keep to insure that they were keeping God's laws. For example when God said to remember the Sabbath and keep it holy, the Pharisee had written many laws to define what was work so that people could avoid working on the Sabbath. There were so many laws written to explain how to keep God's laws that they were burdensome. The religious system of the Pharisees was an in essence an appearance-based religion that looked only at people's actions. It failed to look at the conditions of people's hearts. The religious leaders even confronted the Jesus who was God for healing on the Sabbath. Jesus pointed out that their laws allowed them to rescue a animal, but here they were complaining about Him healing human beings.   

 

Last week we learned that most people have developed a core of shame because we haven't really understood how to get rid of shame. The Pharisees' developed a religious system and led people to believe it would help them deal with their sin and shame. They believed by keeping the Law and the additional laws that the Pharisees' had written they could obtain righteousness. Those who failed struggled with more shame and when people suffered it was usually assumed it was because of  was sin in their lives or the lives of their parents. They believed that sin caused suffering -- suffering like illness, loss, poverty, paralysis, epilepsy, unwanted divorces, demon possession, etc. Those who had been taught self discipline from a very early age could probably be pretty good at keeping the law and look pretty righteous outwardly, but for many the core of shame became masked by a core of pride and self-righteousness. This self righteousness was what drove people to be legalistic and judgmental.   

 

Then Jesus came on the scene and delivered the Sermon on the Mount. In that Sermon, we see Jesus strongly confronting their pride and self-righteousness and exposing the condition of their Pharisaical hearts. He does this by pointing out that adultery isn't just having sexual relationships outside of marriage, it was also the hidden heart issue of lusting found in their hearts. He also pointed out that murder wasn't just the physical act of killing another person, it was also an attitude of slow burning anger that lead to contempt, grudge-holding, and broken relationships. He even exposed their heart issue of wrongful motives when He exposed their giving to the needy publically to gain the praise of man. Then later in Matthew 15 Jesus tells them, "But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart and this defiles a person. Four out of  the heart comes evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. These are what defile a person. But to eat with unwashed hands does not defile anyone." Mark 14 tells us the response of the religious leaders was to plot to arrest Jesus and have Him killed. Their anger serves as a cover and an alleviator for the core of  shame with which they had never dealt.    

 

If we don't understand shame, we will mostly like attribute their anger to pride alone. But I think  pride may have its ugly roots in painful shame. The Pharisees avoided facing shame by covering it with a religion that fostered comparisons and judgments that allowed them to believe they were good. But it was a religion that allowed them to hide their true selves, maybe even from themselves.

To understand the actions of the religious leaders, we must keep in mind that shame is a very uncomfortable emotion experienced in the presence of others. It is an emotion that intensifies when it is first faced and that can feel unbearable at times especially if there is a strong fear of rejection. We must also remember that anger is a secondary emotion that can  cover or numb shame. Anger at others often comes across as contempt and being judgmental. It helps us avoid our shame by keeping all eyes(including our own) off of us and on others. This is especially true if we have a propensity to point out the flaws of others. Anger can also be turned inward where it can become self-contempt and depression. This helps us  avoid shame as well. If we are really hard on ourselves, no one else will confront us for fear of hurting us more allowing us to sidestep the feeling of shame that comes with the exposure of our wrong. If we are turning the anger in, we beat ourselves up and others become afraid to confront us. Both kinds of anger help to deflect the experience of shame--deflect but neither has the capacity to truly heal it. 

 

Going back to John 1:14. What if God chose to describe Jesus as being full of grace and truth because He wants us to understand the lacing of grace and truth are the key to setting us free from our shame. The shame that hurts. The shame that is caused by knowing we fall short--short of the glory of God, short of His righteousness, short of loving as He loves, short of being as faithful as He is, short of forgiving as He forgives, and short of being as truthful as He is.

 

If we want to truly be free of shame, we must experience grace and to experience grace we must face truth and face the experience of shame. First, we must face the truth of who God is--the Creator, the Sovereign Almighty God, ruler of Heaven and Earth. He is the righteous One who saves.  He is perfect and loving in all of His ways.

Second, we must face the truth of who we are. We are not God. We are fallen human beings who have a strong propensity to sin and live life apart from God. We are people who need to be honest enough to confess that we are people in desperate need of a Savior.

Third, as believers, we must face the truth that working out our salvation means that we live messy lives where fleshly desires war with our regenerated spirits on a daily basis. We desire to do good, but find ourselves not doing it. We hate sin, yet find ourselves at the end of the day longing for "do overs" so that we can excise harsh words we spoke, recapture moments where we missed the opportunity to love and encourage, take back the choice we made to numb emotions instead of feeling what God has designed us to feel, to rebuke the judgmental attitude that kept us from seeing our fault in the conflict we had, and to swallow the pride that kept us from apologizing for our failure to do good in the face of evil. 

Fourth we must face the truth of who we are in Christ. We are beloved children who, by faith, have entered a relationship with a powerful loving God who never ever stops loving us. That's humbling! To be able to accept that we are loved not for what we do, but because of who He is and because He chose to love us is a gift.

Fifth, we must face the truth that the way out of shame is to live in the truth. We must live out the truth of our stories. That includes the truth of our failures, because without facing them God can't complete the redemption story He is writing. That includes the truth of  the painful parts of our stories, because without the facing pain, there can be no healing. That includes facing the truth that we may have born an abuser's shame way too long and handing it back to them where he or she can choose to deal with it or not. That includes the negative thinking we have towards ourselves when we belittle our own hearts and live in disbelief of who God says we are. 

The way out of shame is to face the fear of exposure, acknowledging and confessing all that we are most ashamed. It is the confessing of the words so sharp on our tongues and words we spoke only in our minds. It is the confessing of all that is not honest--the misuse of company time, the white lie covering tardiness, or excuses of why we fail to love well. It is the confessing of hurtful actions as well as the passiveness of withholding ourselves and our love. It is the confession of betrayal through the failure to love on a daily basis. It is the confession of spiritual adultery when we go after or return to old idols of the heart--idols of self, people, jobs, monetary wealth, body sizes, or education. It is the confessing of passivity in our relationships with the One who loves us most. It is also finding believers who get the "grace-truth" concept and are open to building mutual relationships in which we confess our faults to one another and expose our own messy, sinful hearts so that we can experience grace and love in return. For it is in the relationships in which we speak truth to one another and encourage one another that we are most free to flesh out the truth of who we are in Christ that allows us to experience grace--and it is that grace alone that truly heals our shame.     

 

 

 

The Way of Grace -- Part 1: And Shame was Born



"Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked.

And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.

And they heard the sound of the Lord God

walking in the garden in the cool of the day

and the man and his wife hid themselves 

from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden."

Genesis 3:7-8 



Shame is an interesting emotion to study. This emotion first shows up in the Scripture in the account of the first sin. We are all familiar with the story. God had given Adam and Eve one simple boundary and that was not to eat of the fruit of a specific tree in the midst of the garden. Satan approached Adam and Eve in the form of a beautiful serpent. Oh, how cunning he was as he carefully crafted a plan to tempt them. His plan had several parts to it. The first part was a simple, but poignant question designed to get them to question the goodness of the Creator. The question was followed by a lie and then a half truth. The lie was that they wouldn't die. But hindsight shows us they died spiritually, which led to physical death. 

The half truth was that they would become like God and know the difference between evil and good. What Satan didn't tell them, was that the boundary God had given them was a boundary of protection, not deprivation. It was a boundary designed to keep them from death. Neither did Satan tell them the boundary provided them the opportunity of a choice to love God through obedience--a needed choice because there can be no love without choice. What Satan didn't tell them was that disobedience would have painful consequences--consequences like guilt and shame, broken relationships, and generational sin that would literally break their hearts as parents. What Satan didn't tell them was that he was trying to thwart God's loving plans for them. What Satan didn't tell them was that he had a desire to destroy the hearts of those God had so lovingly created. 

Satan was successful. He drew Adam and Eve's focus away from their God and the good they had in their relationship with Him. He also drew their focus away from the joy they had as man and wife living openly without shame and guilt. He drew their focus onto the one forbidden fruit. They were so enthralled by the exchange that they didn't even realize that Satan's words were stirring new thoughts in their minds. We all know the thoughts all too well. "I deserve more." "If God really loved me, He would let me have this." "Who is God to keep me from this?"

Little did they recognize that along with those new thoughts came feeling that until now were foreign to their hearts--the feelings we, too, know well--feelings of deprivation as they gazed at the beautiful fruit God had created, the feeling of insatiable hunger as they imagined the taste of the fruit upon their tongues, and the feeling of pride as they desired to be wise. 

Oh their human pride grew strong and their thoughts grew loud. The fruit in hand, they took a bite. And while the juice of the fruit was still on their lips, their cloaks of innocence fell, leaving them standing there, naked and exposed. The feeling of exposure gave way to something new--a burning hot sensation we all know as shame. And not just a little shame, lots of it. They worked together to fix the problem of their shame, designing loin coverings out of leaves. But as soon as they sensed the presence of the Lord. they found the leaves inadequate to cover the hot shame now residing in their in their hearts. So they hid from the presence of the Creator.

They hid from Love Himself. But the Lord, full of grace, called out to them, asking them questions of His own. But, His questions were not designed to breed discontentment as the enemy's had been.  His questions were designed to bring them back to the truth--the truth of who He is as almighty God, the truth of who they were as His creation, and the truth of the relationship He wanted them to have with Him. But they learned well from their encounter with the Enemy.  

Their shame intensified, as it always does in the face of exposure, they tried to quiet its voice instead of letting it do its gracious work of exposing sin. They hid again, but this time they hid behind half truths of their own. Eve spoke honestly as she blamed the Serpent for his deception and Adam spoke honestly when he blamed Eve for sharing and pointed out that God had been the one to create Eve. But neither of them spoke the truth about the choices they made that fateful day. Neither of them spoke about the thoughts and the feelings that had been stirred up by the Evil One and his smooth talk. Nor did they confess the doubts that they had about God's goodness and His one boundary of protection.  Nor did they speak about the deep shame that had been birthed in their hearts even though their actions made it presence known. 

The shame that was birthed in Adam and Eve's hearts that day did not stop with them. It has taken root in every human heart since then. And when the shame isn't dealt with, it gets covered over with lies, denial, hiding and blaming, and it becomes toxic. The longer it stays the deeper it goes until a person has a core of shame. That core of shame plays out in our lives in all sorts of ways. It is the root of the beliefs that we are too much and not enough at the same time. It is the root of all of strongholds that cause us to believe that we are unlovable, unforgiveable, and invisible even to God. It is the root of our judgmental hearts that constantly compare and find fault with another or with ourselves. It is at the root of our hiding behind masks of the perfectly happy, struggle-free lives of faith.

When we don't deal with our shame and we marry, we are prone to developing a marriage that is shame based as well. You know, the marriage in which both parties hide their trues selves from one another because of the fear of rejection. These are marriages in which the pasts of the mates were never divulged, mistakes are continuously kept hidden, and lies are frequently told because neither feels safe enough to tell the truth. These are the marriages where deep intimacy is secretly longed for, but neither is willing to express the truth that they really don't feel loved. And the truth is, they can't be loved because they are afraid of truly being known. Sadly a marriage relationship cloaked in shame fails to reflect what God designed it to reflect--the love that Jesus has for His church.  

As a shamed based couple grows into a family, the shame permeates as the parents pass their shame down to their kids. They do this through shaming messages, lack of grace, masks of perfection, fake happiness, hidden family secrets, and family rules of don't see, don't hear, don't talk, don't feel, and don't ever rock the boat by pointing out the truth. And then the kids grow up and marry and pass the shame on to their kids and their kids pass it on to their kids. And the lies, the hiding, and the blaming continues and continues and continues. 

Shame that was originally designed to point us to the need of our Savior becomes a toxic strong hold when we keep it hidden. Shame can run so deep that we carry the shame into the churches we attend and their it grows turning churches into something they were never meant to be--shame based churches. These are churches where most people wear masks and pretend to be something their not because of the fear of being found out, because of the fear  of not measuring up, because of the fear of  rejection, and because of the fear of exposure. These are the churches that are filled with sin that no one calls sin. They are also the churches that are so seeped in legalism that what isn't sin is called sin and judgments run rampant and are harsh to the core instilling and deepening shame instead guiding us out of it. Sometimes they are churches being lead by leaders who themselves are so filled with shame and who are perpetually hiding sinful strongholds. They either avoid preaching on certain topics or may camp on those topics believing that if they continually preach on it no one would ever guess that is their secret struggle. These are also churches where people control others with judgments, manipulation, and intimidation so that people live in fear--fear of not measuring up, fear of rejection, fear of losing salvation, fear of criticism, and fear not doing enough. These are also churches in which sin is hidden to protect it reputation instead of being places in which sin is safely confessed and lovingly dealt with. These are places were confession is met with condemnation rather than love and grace. 

Next week I will share with you what I believe is the way out of shame. But today I want to leave you with a few questions to ask yourself:

• Is shame an occasional emotion or a toxic form you feel like you are drowning in?
• Do you believe you might be struggling with a core of shame? 
• Is your marriage based on truth and honest sharing of both the past and present? Is it a safe place to be yourself and your spouse to be his or herself?
• Is your church balanced in its teaching? Is it safe to ask questions or express concerns? Do you feel safe being real in your church or are you hiding behind a mask? If so, what is behind the fear? Is it something inside you that needs to be dealt with, a misunderstanding of the Word, or a shame issue your church needs to recon with?