I Want to Throat Punch Some People!

It has been a hard week for me, emotionally. It isn't because of what is going on in my personal life. It is because of what is going on in our world. First, I was invited to host a book table at a Sex Trafficking Symposium at Saddleback Church in Orange County. We've had a few traffic survivors attend our Passionate Heart Ministry and I have worked with a few at the rescue mission and thought I had a good idea of what we would be hearing. However, a couple of the speakers brought video clips with the purpose of helping people see sex trafficking for what it truly is, convincing me it isn't something done by women voluntarily. Even though they take money from the John, the pimp takes the money from them.   

Just like victims of childhood sexual abuse, victims of trafficking have come to that scene with vulnerabilities that increased the likelihood they would be manipulated into “the life.” Some of them were vulnerable because they ran away to escape sexual abuse experienced at the hands of people who should have nurtured and protected them. Some became vulnerable because their parents kicked them out when they got addicted to drugs or alcohol. Some became vulnerable when their needs weren't met and they grew up without a sense of belonging to family. And a guy or gal from a gang, a bottom, or a pimp befriended and groomed them with the promise of being a part of their family. Sick as that sounds, it fulfills a deep need written on their hearts in the womb. I worked with one gal who was a single mom that met a couple at a PTA meeting. They befriended her when she was lonely. She began to frequent bars with them and then drinks were spiked and she was drugged and became addicted, pimped, and videotaped without her knowledge.   

It is scary to know some of the youngest girls were lured into “the life” by men and women pretending to be someone close to their ages on social media pages. They developed an online relationship and soon the kids thought they were in love with a fake person and ran away to be with them. Instead, they ended up in the hands of a pimp, only to be drugged, raped, and trafficked. Some videos we saw were posted by pimps proudly showing how abusively they treat the women they "own." The language, the physical violence, the drugs dispensed, the bragging-- it hurts the heart. I became angry because they seem to think they are tough, powerful, and ever so manly. But, they are the embodiment of pure evil.  

A lot of drug dealers found out they make more money selling humans. I won't write the words they use in that lifestyle, but they are ugly words. These women and girls, men and boys are stuck because they have no money, are addicted to the drugs provided, desperately want to belong, and fear for their lives if they run. Some women become "bottoms," which is the pimp’s right hand woman. Bottoms become horribly abusive to those under them. They recruit, train, and control through threats and abuse. They have to do this or be beaten worse than anyone. There is a status in that community that comes with top positions and what they will do to maintain a position sickens the heart. 

We are mistaken if we believe they can leave if they want. It is hard to get out of “the life”, because the conscience becomes seared when one is living only in that setting. To come out of “the life” and return to a more normal, moral setting shines a bright light on what they have done to survive and the shame that rises up within them is unbearable, causing some to commit suicide. Some of them don't have job or people skills and if they do, police records make it hard to get a job. It is becoming a generational business as they draw young guys and girls into it, some being their own children and some not. Children drawn in know no other life. I came home sad for the victims, but angry enough to throat punch some pimps. 

Then, on Monday, we heard about the bombing in Manchester that killed and injured young kids, parents, and young adults who were doing nothing but attending a concert. With the work I do, I know those not injured will suffer emotionally from the trauma of the event. They will never ever be the same. And these men think they are so powerful, so manly, and so spiritual because they believe they are earning special rewards for carrying out horrible deeds. What is manly about killing a child? It makes me sick to think back on all the terrorist attacks that have been reported. The terrorists who carried out the attack in southern California dropped their baby off at grandmother’s house and went and shot up his co-workers, and then shot it out with the police. And there is Boston, Florida, and all the European bombings...and it makes me want to throat punch some terrorists and those who recruit and train them.  

Then, this morning I read a response Leslie Vernick, a godly author and counselor, wrote to a pastor who had given bad advice to a woman who was in an abusive relationship. The woman’s marriage started out great and then over time her husband disengaged, withdrew to his basement, and become very angry. He started verbally assaulting her and the kids. Though it hadn't escalated to physical violence, his tongue was caustic and he had thrown both words and objects in anger. I've heard similar stories and in many cases the husband was battling an addition to pornography. The woman sought advice from her pastor who didn't point out the Biblical steps in handling his sin. Instead, he told her she should try harder to be a good support to him and that her emotional pain had at its root pride. That is spiritual abuse at its worst! No one in the church should be silenced when they are being mistreated and abused. It is time for churches to quit blaming victims and deal with the sin in the body.   

It reminded me of the number of women in our sexual abuse support groups. Some of them were abused by parents who were involved in the church or by youth pastors, pastors, or other leadership in the church. Those brave enough to speak out when they were young were often told not to say those kinds of things because dad could go to jail, the pastor's family could break up, or the reputation of the church could be ruined. It hurts my heart to think of the little girls too ashamed or too afraid to tell. But, it hurts my heart even more when they did tell and were silenced--literally sacrificed for the false reputation of the families and the church. It makes me want to throat punch some abusers, some pastors and some parents who would rather sacrifice kids than deal with sin in a Biblical way. 

I could go on and on with the things that make me want to throat punch today. I want to throat punch men and boys who think it is manly to objectify women and look them up and down as they walk down the street. I want to throat punch guys that think it is okay to grope women in the work place or in a public line. I want to throat punch men who think it manly to intimidate women and demand sex. I want to throat punch men who think it is okay to drug women and rape them. I want to throat punch judges who let them off scot free. I want to throat punch parents who neglect their responsibilities of loving, nurturing, teaching, and disciplining children, making them vulnerable to abuse, addictions, and trafficking. I want to throat punch people behind the abortion industry who make their money performing abortions on women they have deceived into believing abortion doesn't hurt the mom or the child, convincing them that the best way to handle sin is to perpetrate another against an unborn baby.  

As I have been processing these feelings, I came to realize there is an enemy bigger than the pimp, bigger than the John, bigger than the bottom, bigger than the terrorist, bigger than the misguided misogynistic pastor, bigger than the men caught in sexual addiction, and bigger than doctors performing abortions, and bigger than neglectful parents. All these people have been deceived by the Enemy who is seeking to devour and to destroy those created in God's image. Every one of these people doing such tremendous harm to others was formed in the womb by God's own hands just as their victims were. They have made choices to harm others partly because the enemy deceived them so they would be in the business of destroying other image bearers and in that process of believing and obeying the lies they themselves seem to have lost the ability to bear the image of God they were created to bear, that is unless God steps in and redeems. 

The Enemy is the one that has deceived men into thinking it is manly to pimp and create porn, to be aggressive and abusive, and to control wives and children through manipulation and intimidation. It is the enemy telling parents it is okay to ignore their family. It is the enemy telling girls it is okay to rectify one sin with another. It is the enemy telling them “the life” will fill the need of family. It is the enemy that causes people to become so entrenched that it seems normal to live a life of degradation and defilement. It is the enemy telling terrorists their salvation comes through murder. And it is the enemy telling us in our churches that these things don't have anything to do with us.  

We have got to remember truth. A man is never more manly than when he loves well, respects women, provides for his family, is in involved in his family, models godly morals, and bears the image of His Savior. He is never more manly than when he controls lustful appetites, wandering eyes, and his temper. He is never a more manly than when he teaches his sons to love and respect their mothers, sisters, girlfriends, and spouses. He is manly when he protects his daughters, loving them well, teaching them to let the Savior be enthralled with their beauty. They are manly when they guard their hearts both as a single and a married man, fighting with all of their might to preserve their purity and their marriages. 

And women--they are more beautiful when they get their love needs met by God and find a sense of purpose fulfilled as they engage with their kids, teaching them how to love God, themselves, and others. Women are never more beautiful than when they walk in truth and model a modest heart and empower their daughter to choose wisely who and when to date. And they are more beautiful when they have blown it when they own a mistake made, and recognize that grace and community can help them navigate the consequences of sin, allowing God to redeem even the sinful choices they made. 

And the church--it is never more godly than when it acknowledges the sin in the body and deals with it adequately. That means dealing graciously with unwanted pregnancies in a way that maintains the dignity of the mother and preserves the life of the baby while at the same time dealing with the root causes of the sin. That means being willing to deal with pornography, sexual addictions, and calling on men to openly take a stand against sex trafficking and porn use. It means being willing to deal with perpetrators of domestic violence, misogynistic attitudes, and teaching young men to appreciate God's plan for sex inside of a covenant marriage. It means loving well and teaching young people to be fulfilled in Christ so they don't look for love in sinful ways. 

I believe we all have the potential to be deceived and to sin to the point that God's image in us is no longer visible. That should terrify us. That should humble us. That should bother us enough to want to catch our tendency to sin in its earliest stages. It should bother us enough to drive us to the Word to see what God's plan for His people is. It should bother us enough to fall down and worship the one who can preserve His image in us. 

As I am contemplating how big God is, the desire to throat punch dissipates. I know the Enemy was defeated at the cross, his time is short, and he is angry and writhing like a snake dying. And I want to consistently worship God, remembering He is more powerful than he who is in this world. I pray against the Enemy's schemes and boldly proclaim God's truth to counter the Enemy's lies. I want to get out of my comfort zone and challenge the church to consider if we are doing all that God has called us to. Are we doing church God's way or hiding and perpetuating sin? Are we going where sinners live with the gospel, or hiding behind the comfort of the white washed walls? Are we willing to be around people with "rough edges" to share the gospel or are we reaching out only to those resembling us? Isn't it true that we can render the Enemy powerless by living as God has called us to live? Every prayer spoken, every act of worship, every demonstration of love, every testimony spoken aloud, every heart healed, every knee bowed in repentance, and every relationship healed through forgiveness, and every godly choice made are things that silence the Enemy and render Him powerless. Could it be that those are the spiritual throat punches God has called us to throw?     

God Meets us With His Truth

Christian therapist and author, Leslie Vernick, recently gave me the opportunity to read her latest book, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage. It was a privilege to do so and I found the book a fascinating read, especially since I serve women who've been victimized at some point in their lives. The author defines emotionally destructive relationships, clarifying the difference between being in a marriage that is destructive and one that is disappointing. She also gives excellent advice on how to confront a destructive relationship and steps that one can do to bring healing to it.

I believe the church has needed this book for a long time. I have seen too many women shamed for seeking counseling about their destructive relationships. They were told to try harder, to submit more, to just forgive and trust God more. I have talked privately to some women who were afraid to get help, for fear that things would get worse, fear that they would lose their kids, or fear things might escalate and promises of personal harm or death would be carried out. I have talked to women who went through divorces, because they could not bring themselves to do the perverted things being required of them by their spouses and they were abandoned by their churches because they were too ashamed to tell anyone. Could it be that the church has at times failed to help women who needed help? Could it be that the church has neglected to confront sin and taken the easy way out by rushing to the forgiveness issues? Leslie does point out the necessity of those being abused of taking responsibility to bring evidence when they seek help. Evidence can include recording angry tirades and name calling, receipts of expenditures on pornography and prostitutes, or pictures of wounds or personal property that has been destroyed.

A chapter that I found especially interesting is "What's Wrong with Me?" This is because women who have been victimized as children or women who've been beaten down in destructive relationships often blame themselves for the behavior of others. Most, if not all, ask the question that is proposed by the title of the chapter. The question may come out of a tendency towards perfectionism that they developed to try to get love and approval or to stay safe. The more they measure themselves by perfectionistic standards, the more their shame grows and the bigger the question becomes. The more love is withheld, the deeper the questions burns. The question may come out of being repeatedly told that they aren't enough or that they  are responsible for causing an abuser's maltreatment. The question may have come out of misunderstanding God's Word and Biblical concepts like submission and headship. I remember reading a book early in my marriage that said if a woman had enough faith she could always obey her husband, because God would take her out of situations that would cause her to compromise His word. Just think of the shame evoked when he asks her to do something wrong and she does it in faith, believing God will rescue her out, and He doesn't. She is left believing her faith must not have been strong enough, that God didn't value her enough to rescue her, or she must have some secret sin that kept God from answering. This whole concept enrages me! The person who wrote the book must have been totally naïve about the evil that resides in the hearts of people as well as theologically inept. I loved Leslie's presentation of submission. (I am going to leave you hanging so you will get the book and read it :-)

One thing Vernick makes clear in the book is that very often the victim plays a huge part in the development of a destructive relationship. She points out that one of the big problems for those who struggle as victims is that they often give other people the power to define them. Leslie, points out that Christ Himself did not let others define who He was and if we read the gospels we can find a lot of opinions about who Jesus was and what He was like. In Mark 3:21-22 it says that Jesus' family came to take Him away because they believed He was out of His mind. The religious leaders thought that He was possessed by Satan. Other's thought He was a wonderful teacher, some thought He was a good man, some thought He was the Messiah, and some declared He was the Son of the Living God. The important thing is that Jesus, believed what God said about Him and didn't let man define who He was and He didn't lose joy over what others thought about Him.

As believers, we have got to be sure we are not letting our parents, our children, our spouses, our friends, our church leaders, government leaders, culture, our experiences or our bosses define us. Humans fallible. People are broken and they sometimes lie when it serves them best. Their perceptions are often greatly distorted by their experiences, their own wounds, their own shame, and their own childhood messages. They also have the propensity to change their minds when they experience discomfort or strong emotions like anger and rage. They have the propensity to project blame and shame like their fleshly parents Adam and Eve. Therefore their opinions aren't always reliable and are not always true.

As someone who ministers to survivors of childhood abuse, I also want to suggest that we don't want to let our experiences define us either. How many times I have heard women say that they are unworthy, unlovable, a victim, trash, too much, or too little. So many of the women have assumed a identity of depression and shame because they accepted the blame for another's sin.

There really is only One Person who has the right to define us and that is our creator. His Words are true and they never change with His mood or with what is going on in the world.

     To the sister, who believes she is unlovable...Christ died to demonstrate His love to you!

     To the young woman who believes she is an accident that shouldn't have been born...Christ created you in your mother's womb. He knew you before you were born and crafted you in love at just the right time.
     
     To the wife who is lonely and believes she isn't worthy of love...Christ proved your worth when He died for you and He loves you with a love that is radically passionate.

     To the woman who believes she is dirty and unclean...Christ has made you holy and blameless.

     To the dear one who believes she is shrouded in darkness as a result of her past...Christ has already translated you into His Kingdom of light.

     To the young lady who was abandoned...you have been adopted into the family of God and given an inheritance with the Saints.

     To the woman who was victimized who trembles as the thought of conflict...God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self-control.

     To the sister who believes you are nothing more than a victim...you were victimized, but your true identity isn't victim, it includes being the daughter of the King of kings, His ambassador, and His friend!

It is important for us to realize that unbelief is not just not believing what God says about Himself, it is also not believing what He says about us. This battle to believe the truth is life long. We will occasionally bump into people who have negative things to say to us or about us. The enemy will sometimes try to remind us of what we used to be or we will have old tapes in our minds that sometimes begin to replay of their own accord. But we can choose to believe what God says about us  instead of accepting the lies and old tapes. I know I am also fortunate to have some Godly women in my life who remind be often what God has said about me! I hope that is true of you.

I hope that you will get Leslie's book. It is a labor of love and it is full of wisdom. Even if you have a healthy marriage, you more than likely know someone in a destructive marriage and the book can teach you to respond in a more compassionate and helpful way.