At This Table

Early in life I developed an eating disorder that expressed itself in many ways. When I realized my dieting was becoming dangerous and my control was out of control, I decided to get help. When I met with my first counselor, my denial system was pretty strong, and I told him I didn't think my disorder was impacting my family. The counselor smiled and explained that if he were doing family counseling with us, the first things he would do is ask my children to draw the family dinner table. He then asked what I thought they would draw. After a long pause, I admitted that they would have drawn the table with my place either empty or with a drink only. I realized in that session the dinner table could be as much about interaction as it was about food. I soon became fascinated by Bible passages that dealt with food and meals.

I had struggled with shame because of my crazy relationship with food. I hated how often my thoughts were consumed with food, dieting, the number on the scale, or the dress size I was wearing. I was also ashamed that food itself was the source of my struggle. As I searched the Bible for answers, I realized the very first sin ever committed was centered around food and that Adam and Eve's choice to eat the fruit was more about what Satan promised than the fruit itself. I also realized Satan's temptation stirred in them a desire the fruit didn't fulfill, and they ended up miserable as they longed for their redemption to be complete. 

I could relate to Adam and Eve as I turned to food, mistaking relational or spiritual hunger for physical hunger. At times I searched frantically for the perfect food to satisfy a craving I couldn't even identify or satisfy. I could relate to them when I thought I would be happier if only I had something more--more pounds lost, more power over life or broken relationships, more freedom from besetting sin, more peace in the face of my perfection and anxious thoughts. Oh, there were momentary feelings of the "more's satisfied," only to awaken to the same cravings again and again.  

I heard a sermon taught by Louis Giglio, called don't give the enemy a seat at your table. He developed the sermon from Psalm 23 and talked about how God prepares us a table in the presence of our enemies and explained that we can choose to give the enemy a seat or we can focus on the Lord and dine with Him, while ignoring the enemy and his plans. I realized food has never been the enemy, but Satan was as he whispered temptation after temptation in my ear. I didn't have to give into his voice, tempting me to starve or binge. I could accept each meal as a gift and focus on the Giver. When I did that, eating no longer felt like a shameful act and I could eat with a grateful heart, praising God for His provision. I could even walk with Him through disordered thoughts and temptations and see God's strength in my weakness. 

A few years into my recovery I was in a freak accident that left me with a noticeable limp. Over time I came to terms with the limp by embracing the story of Mephibosheth who was Jonathon's son and Saul's grandson. It would have been customary for Jonathon to become king when Saul died, but God appointed David instead. David faithfully served Saul as he waited his turn, but Saul became consumed with jealousy over David's God-given abilities, future kingship, and David's victory over Goliath. In that state of jealous rage, he tried to kill David and David realized he needed to leave because the king viewed him as an enemy. This grieved Jonathon and David who were close friends. Jonathon helped David escape, and David vowed to show Jonathon and his family mercy when he became king.

When Saul and Jonathon were killed, Jonathon's son's nurse fled with the young boy. She fell, injuring both of his legs, leaving him crippled. After David established his kingdom, he called a servant to find out if anyone from Saul's house was alive to which he could show mercy. The servant told him about the young, crippled Mephibosheth and David sent for him. I imagine Mephibosheth was filled with fear when he was called to face the king his grandfather had tried to kill, and he humbly bowed before King David. David told him not to be afraid because he had summoned him to show him mercy. Mephibosheth offered himself as a servant, but David gave him a seat at his own table, which meant that he considered Mephibosheth a son. David gave him land so his servants could work and provide all that he needed, which gave the crippled Mephibosheth back his dignity. 

Because of my limp, I love this story and the invitation to eat at the king's table. Each one of us is Mephibosheth. We were born enemies of God and have been crippled by sin that we have committed and by sin perpetrated against us. Since the fall we have been crippled by all sorts of trauma, causing us to be crippled in our ability to do good, to manage emotions, to discern truth from lies, to love well, and in our ability to worship and honor God. Yet, like Mephibosheth, we have been invited to the palace of the King of kings and we come...limping to God's table with nothing to offer, finding mercy in Jesus just as Mephibosheth found in David. 

There are times my ankle gets sore and stiff, and my limp becomes more pronounced. There are times that something happens to trigger feelings of past trauma and I find myself walking with an invisible "limp" that feels as awkward and uncomfortable as my physical one. There are times I experience stress and old eating disordered thoughts and I find myself "limping" awkwardly through the day barely holding on to what is healthy and good, and I know I can either get frustrated and give in or I can choose to remember Mephibosheth, who came to the king's table, and cling to the truth that I, who was once God's enemy, am now seated at His table, forever belonging to His family. I am also reminded that through His divine power He has given me everything I need for a godly life through the knowledge of Him who has called us out of His goodness. 

The music group Selah just released the most beautiful song for Christmas titled, "At this Table!" (At This Table by Selah on Amazon Music - Amazon.com) The song, written by Idina Menzer, has such powerful words and I have listened to several times this week. Each time I am filled with peace and stand in awe of God's infinite kindness. How I long for my table to reflect the table of this song--a table where everyone is welcome, everyone is seen, and everyone matters. A table where everyone is noticed, no one is judged, and everyone is free to speak. A place where everyone is forgiven, no one is invisible, and everyone feels like they belong. 

I hope, as God's crippled children, we remember each one of us comes hobbling to the table and yet we are met with lavish mercy and grace that we did nothing to earn. I hope we try our best to extend that to others for at His table we are forever covered with a love shown through Christ's brutal death and resurrection. Maybe, just maybe this is the holiday season that we can reflect that to others.

Look for the Grace

 A couple of weeks ago our pastor covered the story of Abraham sacrificing Isaac. When he first started teaching the passage, I felt an uneasiness in the pit of my stomach just like I had every other time I read the story. As a mom of five children, I could not imagine being asked by God to sacrifice them on an alter. I began to pray as I listened to the sermon and God impressed upon my heart the words, "Look for the grace." 

To see the grace that lies in this story, I thought back on Abraham's life and put it in its context. Abraham and Sarah had lived in a culture that worshiped fertility gods. While there, they struggled with infertility and any sacrifices they might have made to the stone fertility idols didn't result in any children. When Sarah was 65 and Abraham was 75 God called them to leave this culture and promised them a son and many offspring through him. They left for a new county, hoping in the child God promised. 

On their journey Abraham lied about Sarah being his wife on two different occasions. He did this because he was afraid He would be killed rulers who might want to take Sarah as their wife. He justified the lies and his lack of protection over Sarah by pointing out that she was a half sister. Both times God extended them grace by stepping in to protect Sarah from the men who took her into their homes.  

On their journey they grew tired of waiting on God to provide them with the promised child. First, Abraham wanted to adopt his nephew so his children could become his decedents. But, the Lord stepped in and graciously affirmed His promise again. The waiting grew long and Sarah, fearing she would never bear a child, took things into her own hands and offered  her handmaiden to Abraham to conceive a child for them. Then when Hagar got pregnant, she treated Sarah with contempt. Sarah dealt harshly with her and had Abraham send her away. God graciously intervened for Hagar and sent her back to Abraham and Sarah and then once again affirmed His promise. 

After eleven more years of waiting, God sent messengers to again affirm His promise to them. At this point Sarah was in her tent when she heard the promise spoken aloud. The post menopausal Sarah laughed in unbelief as she thought, "Shall I indeed bear a child, now that I am old?" The messengers confronted both her laughter and her thoughts, telling them within a year they would have a baby. She denied laughing because she was afraid and yet God showed them grace in the face of their lies, their missteps, their manipulation, their unbelief, and their denial>> He brought Sarah's body back to life and she conceived Abraham's child and birthed Isaac when she was 90 years old. 

The waiting, as hard as it was had been God's grace at work. It had exposed their ungodly ways and had allowed them to become apart of God's story as He revealed that He alone is the author of life. He did what no stone idol could do, He created life in an impossible situation. 

That brings us to the uncomfortable part of their story. God told Abraham to take his beloved Isaac to Moriah and offer him as a burnt offering. The request may not have seemed all that odd to a man who had deep roots in a culture that offered children as sacrifices. Yet, we know they deeply longed for and waited a lifetime of years for Isaac. To be honest, the first time I read this story I was a young mom and a part of me wanted Abraham to stand up and argue with God or to at least come up with an alternate plan as he had done many times before. But Abraham was now a changed man and he quietly and firmly resolved to obey God. Abraham and Isaac leave the next morning and travel for three days. 

During that three days Abraham had lots of time to process and change his mind, but with every step he took he remained resolved to obey his God. Hebrews 11:17-19 gives us insight into his mindset, "By faith Abraham, when he was tested, offered up Isaac, and he who had received the promises was in the act of offering up his only son, of whom it was said, "Through Isaac shall your offspring be named." He considered that God was able even to raise him from the dead." It still had to have been a difficult journey.

When they came to the place to which God had instructed them, Abraham built the alter and took the wood from Isaac and laid it out. He then bound Isaac and laid him on the altar. He took his knife to slaughter his son, but the Lord intervened and said to Abraham, "Do not lay your hand on the boy or do anything to him, for now I know you fear God, seeing you have not withheld your son, your only son from me." As Abraham lifted his eyes he saw there was a ram caught in a thicket by his horns and he took the ram and offered it up as a burnt offering instead of his son. The Lord then tells Abraham, "...because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, I will surly bless you, and I will multiply your offspring as the starts of heaven and the sand that is on the seashore. And your offspring shall possess the gate of his enemies, and in your offspring shall all the nations of the earth be blessed, because you have obeyed my voice." 

I think the first time I read this, it seemed harsh, but as I look for the grace in the story, I find it a sweet and tender story. I realize that God was testing Abraham and that the test not was set to prove something to God. It was set to prove something to Abraham, to Isaac and to us. By having Abraham go though this test, God graciously showed Abraham that his once floundering faith that tended to disappear in the face of fear had now matured and stayed strong in the face of this hard task. Abraham's faith was now based firmly on the words of His God. He had grown a deep resolve to honor and obey God who had given him a son. This faith trip was also an opportunity to grow Isaac's faith. Isaac who was big enough to carry the wood could have pushed back when it came time to lie down on the altar, but he, too, had a firm resolve to obey. When God had Abraham's story written, all of the missteps, the unbelief , and the lies were written for all future generations to see. But, in the telling of this part of the story, God shows us Abraham's strong faith and the resolved will of a man who now deeply loved his God.

There is a grace that runs deeper still. And that grace is a glimpse of the Father's heart towards us. This story foreshadows Jesus's story as He lived a perfect life we could not live so that all of our lies, our missteps, our manipulating ways, our denial, our self-protective ways, and our sin could be covered by the blood of Jesus. It was the Father who showed Abraham what it felt like to sacrifice a Son and it was Jesus who stood in the place of Isaac as He lay down His life for us. That day so long ago at the altar God showed us His grace is relentless, flowing from a heart that continually pursues us until we are brave enough to lean into the hard that we face and look for the grace, 

Grace Is More Than A Pardon

When I first became a believer, I had a pretty narrow view of grace. I would have described it as a pardon for my sin. But that view began to change when I studied the attributes of God and came to realize grace was more than a pardon, it was one of God's attributes. That means grace has permeated every action God has taken and every instruction He has given. This means grace dates all the way back to the Garden of Eden when God created Adam and Eve, He graciously placed them in the Garden to tend to it. In that Garden they had everything they needed. They had human relationships that were unhindered by sin, deception, guilt, or shame. They had a sense of purpose when they explored the beauty God created, when they tamed and named the animals, and they they tended the Garden, freely eating from the fruit. They had a spiritual life that was unhindered by sin, allowing them to fellowship freely with their Creator. They lived with only one protective limitation placed on them and as long as they obeyed God's instruction this sheltered, abundant, and harmonious life they live would continue indefinitely. The world and the life God gave them was a demonstration of God's favor--the byproduct of His grace. 

Then Adam and Eve came face to face with a crafty serpent, through whom Satan cast doubt on God's goodness. He did this by questioning God's command not to eat of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. As the serpent spoke Eve glanced at the forbidden tree, noticing it was full of beautiful fruit that whet her appetite. She began to ponder over the serpents words, "You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened and you will be like God knowing good and evil." Those words filled her with doubts God's integrity and about God's goodness and provisions for them. And most importantly she felt a sense of deprivation and dissatisfaction for the first time ever as she longed to be like God, knowing good and evil. And in that state of dissatisfaction and that sense of wanting more, she chose to quit relying on God and to take charge of her own life. She took the fruit and bit and turned to her mate and offered him a bite and he, too, bit.  

Their eyes were immediately opened and they were filled with the dark feeling of shame. They sewed fig leaves together to cover their shame and to hide their nakedness. Then when they heard the Lord walking in the garden, instead of moving towards Him, they hid themselves from His presence. The deceiver hadn't prepared them for the guilt and the shame they would feel over their actions. Nor had prepared him for the fear of the Lord that would fill their souls in the in the aftermath of the choices they made.  

But God's attribute of grace was still in place when He entered the garden that day. Not seeing them, He called to Adam, in a sense inviting him to confess his sin. Adam didn't take him up on the invitation, instead he admitted to God that he was afraid to be seen by Him because of his nakedness. God asked him if he had eaten from the tree He had commanded him not to eat. Adam once again ignored the invitation to confess his disobedience. He instead cast blame on God for creating the woman and then he blamed the woman as well. And the woman did no better. She blamed the serpent for her choice. 

The next verses in the story contain what has always been known as "the Curse." But as I read them, I see God's grace beautifully woven through God's declaration of their consequences. Within the curse, we see grace in the form of the first promise of the Savior who would take their sin in His body. Within the curse we see grace through the protective covering of Adam's leadership assigned over Eve. Within the curse we find grace in the promise that Adam will someday die and return to dust. That may not seem like grace, but it was because God didn't want them to live forever in their fallen, sinful state. I believe Adam saw God's grace in the curse as the name he ascribed to the woman was "Eve," "the mother of all living." 

We also can see God's grace in His actions towards them. God killed an animal and clothed them in garments of skins. When Adam and Eve took off their fig-leaf coverings and replaced them with the garments God had made, they acknowledged that they, themselves, could not repair the damage their sin had caused to the world, to their relationship with each other, and to their relationship with their Creator. He also removed them from the Garden so they could not eat from the tree of life and live in that fallen state forever.

God's grace also shows up in our lives everyday. It shows up in the sunrises and the sunsets He paints across the sky. It shows up in the way He fulfills our needs. It shows up in the work of the Holy Spirit as He convicts us of our sin, brings to mind God's truth, and whispers the truth of God's love into our hungry souls. It shows up in the design of the church as He gifts people with gifts and passions to build up the body. It shows up in His daily reminders that because of Jesus we are no longer defined by our sin, but by the words Jesus has spoken over us--words like chosen, beloved, redeemed, blessed, restored, reconciled, delivered, forgiven, holy, blameless, above reproach before Him, and qualified to share in the inheritance of the saints. He has also shown us grace through the comfort He gives, the healing He does, and the discipline he administers that helps us grow into His likeness. 

Yes, grace is more than a pardon, it is the assurance that comes from knowing our God and the truths contained in His Word--truths like, "The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty One who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by his love; He will exult over you with loud singing."(Zephaniah3:17)

A Bigger View of God and His Grace

I was born with a tender conscience that kicked in quickly when I blew it. Having a tender conscience was good as the discomfort of guilt I experienced often motivated me to make God-honoring decisions in my life. It also stirred in me the desire to quickly confess sin. and to apologize to others I wronged. 

However, there was also a downside to having a tender conscience. It made me prey to a few manipulators, who realized they could just poke at my conscious and get what they wanted, even when it was detrimental for me and allowed them to continue down selfish, sinful paths. It also allowed abusers to silence me, when they implicated I was responsible for their actions. It took a few years of counseling to figure out what guilt was healthy and mine to confess and what guilt I needed to let others assume and deal with themselves. 

I experienced a lot of freedom from healthy guilt when I was saved. But before I knew it, guilt began to return. Sometimes it was normal, convicting guilt that led me to confess sin. Other times it was toxic guilt that spiraled me into a pit of dark shame. Looking back, I realize the tender conscience I was born with, didn't just make me easy prey to manipulative people and abusers, it had made me easy prey for the Enemy, who used lies to turn healthy, God-given guilt into toxic shame—a type of shame that was destructive and designed to keep me stuck and afraid to turn to God when I needed Him most. 

At first, I didn't even realize the Enemy was attacking me. Then God planted us, as a young couple, in a Bible-teaching church, where I grew leaps and bounds in my faith. We had many conversations there about God and Bible doctrines that included things like the holiness of God and the sinfulness of man. The more I knew about God and His holiness, the more I wanted to become like Him. Yet, the growing understanding of God's Holiness was also changing my concept of sin. I no longer viewed it as just something I did. I also saw it as things like ungodly attitudes, selfishness, sinful thoughts, and inactions. For awhile, I kept it all in balance, confessing sin and growing in my relationship with God. 

Then I found a book that a spiritual inventory in it. I don't remember what book it was or even the questions on the inventory. But it was a long one and it included a list if sins a mile long, inappropriate attitudes, a list of generational sins one might have, and a whole bunch of other stuff. I mentioned the inventory to our pastor, who suggested I bring it by his office so he could see it. So, I took it to him and as he read it, I could feel my face growing hot, imagining him seeing into the ugly garbage of my soul that I believed was listed on that list. When he finished reading it, he set it down on his desk shaking his head from side to side and quietly said, "I hate this kind of stuff" He indicated that he understood how a list like that mixed with a tender conscience could leave me reeling in shame. He also explained that he believed our God was big enough to convict us and bring to mind sin He wants confessed. He also indicated He believed our God was not a God who buried His children in shame. 

Looking back on that time, I realize a lot of us go through this as we grow in our knowledge and understanding of God's holiness and our sinfulness. When we accept Christ, we understand God's grace in the moment and are thankful Jesus' blood covers the sin of which we were aware. But, as we grow in our understanding of God's holiness, the depth of our sinfulness becomes more apparent and it's easy to buy into the lies of the Enemy as he tries to convince us God's grace isn't big enough to meet us where we are really at, that Christ's death wasn't really sufficient to cover the depths of the sin we continue to uncover, or that God's love isn't deep enough to encompass the real messy us. Oh, we would say we believe God's grace is big enough, Christ death sufficient, and God's love all-encompassing, but if we are living shamed-filled lives, isn't there a disconnect between what we say we believe and what we are living? The truth is that Jesus' death was and is and will always be sufficient enough to cover sin--what we knew in the past, what we perceive in the present, and what we will uncover in the future. 

It is not God's desire for His people to live stuck in toxic, suffocating shame. But, it is His desire that we continue to grow in the understanding of His holiness. And, as our understanding of that increases our awareness of our sinfulness, He desires our view of grace and what Christ did on the cross to expand as well. When that happens, we become believers who live loved and who are filled with humility and gratefulness instead of shame. We want to remember there is not a sin so bad Christ's blood cannot cover it. Because He loves us, God convicts us. Because he hates us, the Enemy condemns us. All we have to do to silence the Enemy is adopt a bigger view of our God and His grace.  

There is More to the Story of the Cross

Several years ago, I was struggling with sin, unresolved pain, and a defeated image of myself. I was working with a Christian therapist, who frequently challenged lies I was believing and cognitive distortions I with which I struggled that impacted how I viewed myself. While she never down played the seriousness of sin, she did encourage me to be as gracious to myself as I would be to others. She also suggested I become more curious about my failures and to try to understand why I did what I did, instead of "beating myself up" with harsh judgements and negative self talk .

One morning I woke up feeling extremely defeated, but I decided to push past it. I got out of bed, dressed, grabbed praise music, and went for a walk. While walking, I poured out my hurt, my discouragement, and the feelings of guilt that were plaguing my perfectionistic heart. One of the songs I was listening to was about the cross. As I listened, a picture of Jesus hanging on the cross came to mind. His blood was dripping from the wounds He had received when He was beaten and nailed to the cross. Then I noticed other wounds in His flesh. These wounds were the names of the sins that I had been confessing to Him etched in His flesh. For a moment I was filled with shame, but then something propelled me to look to His face. First, I noticed the crown of thorns and the blood dripping on His brow where thorns cut deep. Then I noticed His eyes were filled with kindness and His face with love. Something in me shifted as the shame melted away and I began to grasp that the radical implications of Jesus' death went beyond the satisfaction of God's justice for sin. And that place where Christ hung bruised, bleeding, rejected, cursed, and forsaken--it became a place of healing for me.

When I saw the words of my sin etched in His flesh, the reality of His death became close and personal. It no longer seemed like something that happened long ago in a far away land, it was real to me in the here and now. That wounded part of me that had believed the lie that my abuse, my failures, the messages others spoke over me proved I was the child that was less loved by God began to change. But, seeing Him in front of me with my sin etched in His body made it clear that God had sought me, putting many in my life to lead me to Him. The visual of Christ absorbing my sin reminded me that He died so I could have His goodness imputed to me by faith. That means the Father only sees me as one wrapped up in the goodness of Christ! Grasping that helped me to quit thinking of myself as a bothersome, tolerated child and to start seeing myself as a beloved child, created by Him and for Him, who had been forever fully reconciled by Jesus. I no longer pictured God as sighing and reluctantly turning towards me when I started praying. Instead, I began to see Him as a Father whose eyes are always watching over me and light up when I turn to speak to Him. I also began to see Him as a Father whose ears are tuned into my voice, recognizing it above the loud chatter of this world.    

Seeing the Savior, bruised and flesh-torn, hanging there naked on the cross helped me believe He understood what it felt like to bear the consequences of others' sin. From the time Jesus was born, His life was threatened. He was lied about. He was rejected. His motives were questioned. He was a victim of the first birther movement. His words were frequently doubted or misconstrued. He was called crazy and child of Satan. He was falsely accused and then illegally tried while the man in charge knew and chose to do nothing. His innocence was ignored, while a known thief was set free. His works that gave sight to the blind, working limbs to the lame, hearing to the deaf, health to the sick, freedom to those tormented by demons, and life to the dead were called evil. He was beaten beyond recognition and then humiliated, the crowd spitting at Him and plucking hair from His beard as they mocked Him with hate-filled chants. All of that and the cross helped me see that He truly understands the wounds we experience at the hands of others. His being a sympathetic high priest became real to me. I no longer saw God as an impatient Father, telling me to suck it up, get over it, or just forgive and move on. I began to see Him as a Father, eager to listen until all the words I needed to say were said. I began to see Him as an empathetic Father, whose empathy never diminished as He was willing to sit with me until all of the pain buried deep was released. I began to see Him as a comforter, His own scars reminding me He truly understands.

The crown of thorns that represented the curse took on new meaning when I saw blood dripping from where it had pierced His brow. It helped me see that His blood not only covers my sin, it covers the curse. The thorns had their beginning in Eden where Adam and Eve freely communed with God and each other in a perfect environment. When they sinned, they were cast from Eden to live in a desert to experience thorns, pestilence, and droughts, all of which represent what was taking place in them spiritually and relationally. And the human race was cast with them to experience pain because of the thorns of selfishness, self-centeredness, and sin that enslaves us. And, our relationships became marred as we are driven by an unquenchable thirst to be known, accepted, or approved by others who are just as thirsty and broken as us. And the fear and the chaos caused by pestilence--those things that come against us to hinder the growth of marriages, the unity of our families, and hindering the  building of God-loving churches. The pestilence is things like pornography that kills marriages every day. It is the plague of divorce that robs children of relationships with parents, leaving them looking for parental blessings elsewhere. It is the redefining of good and evil and the political correctness that calls God's truth hatred. It is the everyday business and constant technology that hinders the face-to-face fellowship of believers, leaving them isolated, starving for relational intimacy, and looking a whole lot like the world.

In seeing that visual of God's grace so personally, I began to see that through Christ, the sin within, the curse, the thorns, the pestilence, and the unquenchable thirst I was experiencing no longer defined me. It was and is in my relationship with Christ that I find my true identity and the freedom to be who God created me to be. The words and the lies that were spoken over me, the actions that were perpetrated against me, the Enemy's accusing voice in the face of it all no longer have the power to defeat this child, who has been saved, is in the process of being sanctified and healed, and will be one day fully transformed by His grace. Oh, there is so much more to the story of the cross.

There is Grace in Defining Moments

Life defining moments come in many forms. They come in the form of temptations--the temptation to use porn, addictive substances, binging and purging, entering unhealthy relationships, holding on to bitterness, or using harsh words that cut to the core. They come in the form of choices--do we take this job or that job, attend a neighborhood church or one across town, go on the mission field or stay on the home field, work or become a stay at home mom, home school or put our children in public school? Defining moments come in events beyond our control--events like natural disasters, accidents, illnesses, deaths, infidelity, or acts of abuse perpetrated against us. 

Sometimes defining moments alter our lives in ways that they present ongoing defining moments. A couple of years ago my husband and I went out to eat and saw a couple in the restaurant. He was sitting beside her and feeding her. She wasn’t cognizant of her surroundings, but he was very attentive. When they left, he helped her up and took both her hands in his and walked backwards so she could walk forward face to face with him. They took small shuffling steps as he looked directly into her eyes, smiling the whole time. They went five or six steps and then he took her gently into his arms and embraced her sweetly. After a moment or two they resumed the shuffle. They did this repeatedly until they got to their car. While, I am sure her illness was a huge defining moment for them as individuals and as a couple, her illness causes him to face ongoing defining moments daily. He can choose to love with acceptance, patience, kindness, and endurance or become angry, bitter, and cold. While watching him treat her tenderly, I had the feeling I was on sacred ground, seeing him live out his true identity as a man, as a husband, and as a follower of Jesus. I had the feeling I was seeing Jesus Himself love and encourage her through her spouse. "Come on, Sweetie, just take one more step, your almost home.” 

While defining moments are hard to experience and difficult to navigate, they are one of the vessels God uses to extend His grace to us. There are several ways we experience His grace. First, defining moments force us to come face to face with what we believe about our identity. If we are really honest, we have to admit we wrestle with our identity daily. Whether defining moments involve our sin, another's sin, or rob us of heart longings, we can fail to remember we are beloved, redeemed, set apart, empowered, and gifted and let our mistakes, our sin, another’s sin or what the enemy whispers define us and accept the lies as the truth. Those ugly lies paralyze and shame us—lies like stupid, ugly, invisible, barren, unloved, unlovable, too much, and not enough. Even after embracing our true identity, we face events, people, or circumstances that surface those old lies, forcing us to choose again and again to believe what Jesus has said about us. We sometimes even act out of who we were before He saved us or before He began a healing work in us. If we grasp the concept of our true identity, it helps us navigate those defining moments by guiding our decisions, changing the words we use, and governing our actions, especially when our flesh is raging battle with our spirits. And giving us the opportunity to live out our true identity is grace. 

Defining moments also force us to look at what we really believe about our God. Parents who bury children have to come to terms with what they really believe about God in the face of deep grief. Is there really an afterlife? Is God really good? Does He really care about their pain? Can He really work the horrible devastation they feel to their good? Those who experienced natural disasters must wrestle with their beliefs about God who allowed widespread destruction as they pick through the remains of a home the earth shook to rubble. They wrestle with God as they remember children snatched from their arms by floodwaters. A woman who has begun to have flashbacks of sexual abuse will wrestle long and hard with who God is as she is plagued with the memories of praying for safety only to be victimized again and again. She will have to decide at some point if she believes her God is good and trustworthy in the face of seemingly unanswered prayers that left her feeling invisible, unheard, unprotected, and less loved. And giving us the opportunity to bring our doubt to the light and deal with it is grace. 

Defining moments also expose our misplaced affections and puts us in a place that we must choose to act our of our faith. We can get so easily distracted by the things of this world, by the life we think we are supposed to have, and by the many different directions our hearts get pulled in a given day. But when we face difficult defining moments, our love get refined in ways that we can't even imagine before hand. People who have lost beautiful homes in fires and floods last year repeatedly said those things paled in comparison to having their families safe and still being able to hold their children in their arms. I am sure that even as they continue the hard work of rebuilding homes and lives, they will have a love focus so different than those of us who haven't face the loss of homes and the near loss of families and there is grace in that refining of our love. 

Several years ago, our youngest son was wheeled into surgery after his spleen had ruptured. I faced the fear of losing him and even with the crowd of family surrounding me, I felt alone. I was terrified because there was nothing I could do to insure I would get the outcome I desperately wanted because the God I was asking to heal my son was the same God who had every right to choose to heal him or not. There were several complications that kept him in the hospital for 16 days, ten of which were in ICU. There were times I was overwhelmed, wondering if he could continue to fight his way back to health. As I slowly began to remember my identity in Christ, I understood that as alone as I felt, I wasn’t alone! I wrestled honestly with what I believed about God, knowing in my head He is good, though I struggled to fully trust it in my heart. I was forced to decide if I really believed in His goodness no matter what the outcome might be. I never doubted that God could heal him, but had to learn to trust His goodness with His sovereign plans as I watched our son deal with unimaginable pain and tubes that drained the fluid from around his heart. The decision to remind myself of who I was in Christ and to choose to trust God was who He says He is helped me to be able to stay engaged with my son those long days and nights. Choosing to pray to the God who held his life in balance gave me hope and strengthened me when I had nothing left to give. During that time God showed me grace by allowing me to see my son through new eyes as it gave us sixteen days in close quarters to get to know each other. Those days with a son in ICU who handled the situation with grace and dignity definitely changed my heart and mind about what is really important in life and that change has impacted my decisions and actions since. 

Some defining moments are small, but have the potential to impact life in big ways because we have a big God! We face those kinds of "small" moments in marriage after kids come, life is busy, jobs are demanding, energy is low, patterns of neglect set in, and distance between spouses grows and loneliness cuts to the core where seeds of hurt and bitterness grow. It’s when each long to be seen and heard, when hope is low, and the desire to retreat strong that defining moments present themselves the loudest. That moment is when God tugs at a heart to be the first to reach out, the first to take a hand, the first to serve the other, the first to speak words of affirmation, or to be the first to apologize for the neglect of the relationship. It is in that moment when everything in us waits for the other to move first that our pride can either grow or it can melt. The humility that can cause us to act first moves a couple one degree closer and that degree has the potential to radically change a marriage. That hesitant touch, that thirst offering, that kindness spoken, or that apology whispered without excuse can stir the last ember of dying love, allowing it to burn bright again. That little changes can evoke big changes is grace.   

Our defining moments give us the opportunity to remember who God is, allowing us to see His redemption stories that prove He is capable of redeeming what we deemed too broken, too dirty, or too lost. A small act of obedience gives us a chance to move knowledge of God from head to heart, giving us the will and the power to act in new exciting, living-giving ways. It is in the exact moment we act that we are snatching the victory from the enemy’s hands, proving God redeems our pain. It is in life defining moments God takes a grain of faith and builds it into a powerful faith that knows no bounds and that is grace. 

Our God is a God of grace. Even His sovereignty that allows life defining moments is ruled by that attribute. We can look back and see how things that wounded us have impacted our lives and brought us face to face with our true identity in Christ. We can see how those moments brought us face to face with what we believe about God. We can see how they brought us to the place that what we truly love was refined and how those moments brought us to the place we had to decide what we would do with what we believe and afford us the opportunity to live out loud what we believe. How differently our stories feel when we grasp this concept of life defining. It in fact strengthens our relationship with God so that it can satisfy the deepest parts of our hearts where our God cravings reside. Could it be that the life defining moments we once thought were bad, are really graces designed by His own love scarred hands?

The Grace of Discipline

My church just finished studying Galatians, which is one of my favorite books, It makes it clear that salvation is through grace and found only in Jesus Christ and His finished work on the cross. It also tells us that anything we add to the gospel nullifies God's grace. Paul wrote this epistle to a church dealing with people who were adding things of the Jewish law to the gospel. They had trusted Christ to be their Savior when Paul was there, but when he left, they slid back into thinking they had to do something to keep God's love and merit HIs continued grace. They didn't grasp the truth that grace earned isn't grace at all.

Maybe the Galatians distorted the gospel so living out their faith would feel more familiar. The rules and rituals that had previously guided them when they sinned or when they wanted to be blessed by God were more comfortable than sitting in His grace experiencing conviction and sorrow caused by sin. They no longer had a way to numb this discomfort when they didn't work for mercy or ease their guilt through legalistic actions. Somehow they had not grasped that their Salvation had resulted in a relationship with God and the way of restoration for current sin was now a relational matter that was repaired through confession.

When I volunteered as a youth worker, I went on short-term mission trips with students. While on these trips the level of commitment and understanding of grace was thrilling to see. However, as students returned home, some returned to their old ways of life because they didn't know how to navigate relationships in light of the grace they had experienced, the new or renewed relationship they had with God, or the stickiness of the new moral compass God brought into their lives, but not their friends. Others seemed to grasp the grace of God on trips only to fall right back into legalistic, judgmental ways that stripped them of the joy they had experienced. Still others became so legalistic with themselves they were drowning in shame over sin committed after trips. Those had a hard time believing God could forgive them again and again and again. As some grew more legalistic, others left wounded by the legalism. I think these experiences were similar to what the Galatians were experiencing.

Sometimes in our zeal to mature believers, we become like the Galatians and we add regulations to the gospel so people in our church look like saved people should look. When they don't, we judge them as "probably not saved" while claiming we believe salvation is only though through Jesus. The problem is that different people and different churches have differing views on what "saved" looks like. A change in church can result in needless questioning of one's salvation. The problem is that any effort we put on people to look and act a certain way nullifies God's grace and fosters pride instead of growth. This judgment can discourage those who are struggling because they came to the Lord more wounded and broken than you or I. Who are we to decide what saved looks like in a given moment?

Sometimes we present grace as a doctrine that allows us to overlook sin and its consequences. Many are living in broken relationships because instead of dealing with the sin, we tell people to forgive and forget, forcing them to reconcile with those who aren't repentant. There are some who in the name of grace even redefine sin so it doesn't have to be dealt with. For example, when a wife reveals her spouse is in bondage to porn and is told to give him more sex so he doesn't need to fill his "need" with porn we have redefined his sin as a need. This "grace" is toxic and leaves people who aren't repentant demanding grace. And grace demanded is nothing more than an invitation to enter a sick system that is in denial of sin.

The Bible tells us local churches have goats mixed with their sheep, tares mixed with their wheat, white washed "tombs" that look clean and bright, and wolves wearing sheep clothing. We may or may not be able to discern which is which and in our effort to make sure we all look good we preach grace while making snap judgements that classify people into "true believer groups" and "those who probably aren't really saved groups." The problem with this is that how we look on the outside is often influenced by how we were raised. A moral person may look saved, but never have face the sin in his life or the fact that he needs a Savior. When one has grown up in the church, he may have the church lingo down and never reflect personally on what he believes about sin,  Jesus, His death, and His resurrection. When we get to heaven, there will be some we thought were saved, but weren't because they were self-righteousness people who never tasted God's grace.  Then there will be others whose lives were messy and who struggled daily with sin who are dancing in glory because they placed their faith fully in Jesus and His complete work on the cross.

I think when we err on either side--the legalism mixed with grace side or the "feel-good grace of denial" side, we do great damage to people, to the church, and to our relationship with God. When we err it could be that we have forgotten God believes in discipline. He wants us to discipline ourselves--that discipline meaning training. When the flesh wants to sin, He wants us to discipline ourselves so we can resist sin. A disciplined life is a proactive life. It is proactively spending time with God in His word and praying over it. It is proactively fellowshipping with others so we have a natural iron sharpening iron process in place that is mixed with encouragement. It is proactively sitting through the angst of temptation, choosing to delay fleshly gratification, keeping our eyes on Jesus who is the author and finisher of our faith.

The Bible also makes it clear that God, Himself, is a disciplinarian who disciplines those He loves and calls His own. We don't always understand and embrace this concept, but can gain insight by looking at our own parenting. First, we instruct our children. God does this through his Word. It tells us how to live and that we have the Spirit who will help us to remember what we learn and will empower us in our weakness to live lives worthy of His calling. We must be humble and acknowledge our weaknesses and our dependence on God to experience His strength.

Second, as parents we know our children don't like the pain of broken fellowship with us. They feel convicted and either run away from us or run toward us, desperately wanting to experience our love in the distress of their guilt. The same is true for us as we read His Word and gain knowledge. With that knowledge comes feelings of conviction and grief and the discomfort of these feelings is God's discipline as that discomfort motivates us to change when we don't deaden the discomfort through denial or legalism.

Third, good parents safely allow their children to bear the consequences for their actions so that they learn their choices either bring good or bad into their lives. Likewise, God disciplines us by allowing us to bear consequences for our sin. A man may want to blame God when he loses his job, but the truth is God graciously lets him face the consequences for bad behavior or unacceptable work ethic so he will grow and change. A young lady might blame God for her out of wedlock pregnancy when God allows her to face the consequences for choosing to have sex outside of marriage. God doesn't desert people in these kinds of situations, He graciously walks them through them just like we do our children.

Fourth, there are times when parent's have to take desperate measures to get between their child and the destructive path they are on. God does this through church discipline that He lays out in His Word. When we see each another person we care about practicing sin, we are to confront them in a loving way. If that doesn't draw them back to the light, we are to  confront them again with a witness. If that fails, we are to engage the church leadership and the body, the goal never being to shame but to invite one back to the light. This kind of discipline is hard to do right, because it requires we be involved in a church and choose to do life together. It also requires honesty, humility, and a vulnerability that very few are comfortable with. I think sometimes we could head off huge moral failures had we confronted early on. One pastor shared in a sermon that he was having lunch with a believing friend and noticed him ogling every woman that walked past him. He asked about his walk with the Lord and his relationship with his wife and the guy claimed both were stellar. So, he gently pointed out what he had observed. His early invention saved the man from big sin that would have devastated his wife, kids and church.

God's discipline can be very uncomfortable, but it is never a punishment for sin. It's purpose is for our good so we might share in His holiness. That is grace! God wants us to be not only free from the penalty of sin, but from the power of it as well. It shows He values our relationship with Him and does what ever He needs to do to protect it. Oh, that we would not only fully trust in the finished work of Jesus, but embrace all aspects of His grace, including the grace of discipline.

It's Always Been about Grace

As a child I usually walked to church alone. When I came home there were no discussions about what I was learning or what I thought about God. I remember being confused and scared because it seemed like there was one God revealed in the Old Testament who was strict and harsh and a very different God revealed in the New Testament who was gracious and kind. I loved the God presented in the New Testament, but my fear of the God from the Old Testament, and trauma I had experienced, made it difficult for me to fully trust Him.

Some of the fear I had was healthy fear that the Holy Spirit used to draw me to the Savior. But, some of the fear was toxic and was formed through misunderstandings of God's Word. These misunderstandings came from not having conversations with adults who could have clarified what I believed, correcting misconceptions I had formed about God. Some fear was caused by good people who left out details they thought we were too young to hear, making God's judgments seem unreasonably harsh and out of control. Some of the misunderstanding came from simply being young and not grasping how sinful humans can be when they choose to live life apart from God. I was scared and literally expected God to strike me dead when I made mistakes or sinned. As a child, I laid in bed at the end of the day worried and replaying my day in my head, hoping every word spoken was true, that I had respected my parents adequately, and that I was loving enough to get to wake up the next day. One time, when the wind blew the front door shut on my hand, it hurt so bad that I screamed a curse word and immediately began trembling, not from pain, but from the fear that God was going to strike me dead for the word I had said.

Fortunately, God took me and my husband to a small Bible teaching church where I studied the Bible under a great teacher and for seven years I could ask questions and explore my views of God in depth. The pastor and the elders believed in a gospel filled with grace and I began to grasp more and more of the love of Christ. I had forgotten which books of the Bible alleviated my unreasonable fears until yesterday when one of our pastors was teaching on Galatians 3, which was the same book that had radically changed my view of God and the Bible.

Verses 17-18 say, "The Law introduced 430 years later, does not set aside the covenant previously established by God and thus do away with the promise. For if the inheritance depends on the law, then it no longer depends on the promise; but God in His grace gave it to Abraham through a promise." The law was given because of sin and it remained in place until Jesus came. The law is beautiful because it describes God and His holiness. It describes His love and shows His grace through the temporary sacrifices that pointed to the grace that would be shown us through Jesus who would be the Lamb, without blemish or spot, sacrificed for our sin. The law was also God's protection for us and the suffering we inflict upon each other and upon ourselves because sin always causes spiritual, physical, emotional, or relational death.

It is important to understand that when the law was given it was not a replacement for grace and it did not nullify God's promise to Abraham. Neither can the law give us life, because we are incapable of keeping it. The law, when it is obeyed, only puts a stay to the sin in man's heart, preventing some of the wounding and the damage caused by it. Without the law, sex is a free-for-all that spreads disease and death. It also destroys the hearts of those involved because we were not made for sin that binds us into a one flesh relationship with multiple people. Without the law, alcohol and drug abuse destroys bodies and families as users seek their next hit. Without the law rageaholics rage at those around them, breaking hearts and bones, and either killing others or themselves from the stress rage puts on their bodies. Without the law, our selfish hearts tend to love poorly, putting ourselves first, neglecting the hearts and needs of spouses, families, and friends. Sin is serious, serious business. When we don't deal with it and when we don't call the evil deeds we do or the ugly attitudes we display sin, we are prone to take it to levels we never thought we would. This is because it can't fill the needs that were written on our hearts by our Creator leaving us starving for what will fulfill us, and then we lose sight of the truth that only He can fulfill those needs.

The law was a guardian showing us God's character and our need for a Savior and our need to be justified by faith. Now that Jesus has come, we no longer need the law. When we believed in Christ we were sealed by the Holy Spirit who came to dwell in us. We are now children of God, Abraham's seed, and joint heirs with Christ. As believers, we now have the ability to love as Jesus loves. Because of this we don't need the law. That statement will cause some people great angst when they read it. But, if we are walking closely with Christ and spending time with Him, His Spirit in us gives us discernment and godly desires. His Spirit leads us to speak loving words of encouragement that build others up and offer sacrifices of thanksgiving and praise. His Spirit enables us to extend grace when it is needed and to set godly boundaries with those who refuse to repent, and to speak the truth in love in such a way that pride is melted and others are drawn back to the Savior.

Non-believers still need the law and its protection as it shows them what sin is, but we don't. We are to focus on love, not sin. As we focus on loving God and others we will automatically show honor and respect to those around us. As we focus on loving, we won't do things from a selfish motive and we won't sin in ways that deeply wounds others. We won't hold on to grudges and we won't speak wounding words intentionally. Those who love well don't abuse or murder others physically or emotionally, they offer life to them. Even in the heat of arguments, Spirit led people can find themselves asking, "What can I do to love you better right now?"

The law does serve a purpose, but its purpose was never about Salvation. That has always been, still is, and always will be about grace.            

And at the End of the Day

In one of the last chapters of Max Lucado's book, He Chose the Nails, Max speaks about the end of the day that Jesus was crucified. He talks about Him crying out, "My God, My God why have you forsaken me?" And then saying, "It is finished." Max also says He thirsted and some found compassion for Him at this point and offered a sponge filled with sour wine, while others were still mocking. And Jesus, He laid down His life. 

At the end of the day they took down the bodies of the three crucified, and they buried them, and one by one they went home. I wonder if the people in the crowd had the same tendency I do as an introvert to think back on how their day was spent. What did they think of Jesus’ trials? What did they think of the mocking that took place? What did they think as they recalled the darkness that came as Christ was hanging on the cross? What did they think of the words He cried out? What did they think of the events that occurred as Jesus gave up His life--the temple curtain being ripped in two, the shaking of the earth, the splitting of rocks, the tombs being opened? When people laid their heads on pillows that night, what were the thoughts they thought and the feelings they felt? 

I am sure there were many who knew and loved Jesus who were struggling with deep grief, confusion, and despair who were playing back the tapes of the conversations they had with Him, I am sure that there were some who faced guilt and shame that ran deep because they deserted Him and denied Him. Maybe some even questioned God's plan at that point and maybe a few were holding on to a thread of hope because He had lovingly washed their feet, told them things, and supernatural things happened as He died, indicating God was still at work. Maybe they were even wondering what the meaning of the torn curtain and the graves opening when the ground shook. 

What about those religious leaders who had clamored for Him to be crucified? What about those who had mocked Him as He was being disrobed, having bits of hair plucked from His beard, bearing the spittle of others, and the crown of thorns thrust on His head, the painful death He died, the anguish of sin He bore as He faced God's wrath for us. They were people just like you and me. Did they go home at the end of that day filled with self-righteous pride, still believing they were right? I know I have done that at times, to realize later I was wrong as wrong could be and my pride never made it right. In pride I have attacked the beliefs of others thinking I was right...and sometimes I was, but often I wasn't. The thing that hurts my heart to this day is the lack of love I displayed when I chose to attack instead of exploring the truth, the times I misconstrued others' words without clarifying, and when I cared more about winning an argument than I cared about a heart.  

What about the ones following the religious leaders? Did they, or at least did some of them, have second thoughts as they laid down to sleep and the silence of the night gave way to shouting thoughts? Did they think about the words He spoke from the cross, about the curtain of the temple being torn, or about the earth shaking as He gave up His life? Did they begin to wonder if they had been too easily swayed by the shouting crowd? I look back at times and realize I was. In college there were all sorts of movements and I didn't always do research. I just shouted what I thought to be the truth, only to find out I was wrong. I remember being swayed by others' misguided passion, only later to be ashamed I had fallen for false information. And, to be honest, this election year we all experienced that over and over again and still do. Did some of the followers realize, like I did, that they bought into the lies and the passion of those who denied Jesus? Did they think back onto sermons He spoke and realize those behind the movement to crucify Him took His words out of context? Did they realize the religious leaders with whom they had aligned themselves often misquoted, misconstrued, and misrepresented Him to protect their position in the community? Did any of them say as the centurion did, "Surely this is the Son of God?"

At the end of the day, what did the people think of the anger they had spent and had spewed as they joined in the cries of those clamoring for Him to be crucified, and the sarcastic mocking that took place both before, and as He was hanging suspended between heaven and earth? Did they feel their anger was justified? Or did at least some of them feel the same shame and the same sickness in the pit of their gut that I have felt when I have laid down at night realizing the angry words I spewed at my children weren't appropriate loving correction, but hurtful, abusive words of a bully. Did they feel the same feelings I felt at the end of the day when a disagreement with my spouse turned ugly and I shouted hateful words I can never fully retract? Did some of them feel the shame that I have felt when I have participated in gossip as either a hearer or a spreader that resulted in character assassination of someone? Did some of them feel that same sick feeling as they rehearsed the memories of their day--the words they spoke, the actions they carried out, the verbal expressions of the Lord from the cross, especially the one that asked the Father to forgive them? Did they lie down and wonder if maybe, just maybe they had blown it big? Did they wonder, like I have at times, "Is there really any way this can be forgiven?" 

I hope that some of those people, at the end of that day, who laid down with a sick feeling growing in their gut were able to own their actions and reactions that day. I hope they got to hear and respond to the gospel because, like Paul, they physically in real time and in real space lived out the words penned in Romans, "...in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." 

As I think about the end of that day, I think that those who did experience the pain of conviction and the realization that they were as wrong as wrong can be, were the ones who had the opportunity to hear the gospel and experience grace that ran deeper than anyone dreamed it could run. Because that grace allowed them to experience the pure love we experience even at the end of the day. 

The Great Clothing Exchange

The Great Clothing Exchange

During Lent I started reading Max Lucado's book, He Chose the Nails. As always, Lucado gave me a lot to think about. In this book he shares how the Scriptures often describes our behavior as the clothes we wear. The epistles even tell us to take off certain behaviors and to put on godly behaviors. As a woman I've always liked the clothing analogies because we can get caught up in the external, thinking our clothing will make a difference in how people perceive us. But, the truth is when we come face to face with overt behavior, either good or bad, we are more apt to remember the behavior than the clothes worn. When I've had someone tell me a boldfaced lie, I don't remember the cute shirt they were wearing. I remember the lie they told. When I've had someone betray me, I didn't remember the outfit worn by them, I remember the painful betrayal. When I've had hateful words spewed at me, I don't remember the pretty sweater worn by the speaker, just the sound of the hateful words being hurled at me.  

After my third baby was born, I was struggling with postpartum depression. I went to the store early one morning to buy milk for the kids' breakfast. I was barely physically functioning and my mind was in a dull fog. I sat the milk on the counter and looked in my wallet and realized I didn't have enough cash, so I put my wallet back and pulled out my checkbook. In the fog of depression, I couldn't remember the name of the store and had to ask. Then I had to ask the clerk to repeat the amount I owed a couple of times. I knew I was taking too long, but I couldn't muster up enough energy to speed up. The clerk saw the line growing behind me and he sighed impatiently as if to let me know I was holding things up. The pressure of that added to the stress I was already feeling. Frustrated with me, the clerk said, "I've never seen anyone take so long to write a check." My face grew hot and tears slid down my face from the shame his words evoked--shame of not having it "all together" and shame from feeling defective for not being able to function adequately enough write a check quickly enough to satisfy the social norms. I don't remember the clothing the clerk wore, but I do remember his impatience. He might as well have embroidered the word, "IMPATIENT" boldly across his shirt pocket.

Years later, I was working as a volunteer youth worker in a small church. One year we were without a youth director so another couple, and my husband and I, filled in and loved it. Then came the news the church had hired a youth director and along with the news came a few unkind remarks that triggered insecurity and grief for all of four of us. The man who was ultimately in charge asked me to prepare something for the midweek group time, but when I walked in that night, he said he had changed his mind and he did something different. He could tell I was hurt and offered to talk, but I was too shut down to share what I was feeling and what I was thinking. I ran into him Sunday morning and right before church, and right before He had to go on stage to help with worship, I confronted him harshly.  I then avoided him, believing our relationship was over. He called that week and my husband handed me the phone, saying "You two need to talk." I apologized and he asked me what I was apologizing for. I thought a moment and told him I realized I didn't take the opportunity to deal with the hurt, that he had given me, and that my timing was horrible and my words were biting. He told me he accepted that apology. He explained that though the timing was bad and the words harsh, he agreed with the content of the confrontation. He also told me he still considered me his friend and told me what he believed I contributed to the group. Believe me, I didn't deserve the grace he showed in the face of my anger. Nor did I deserve the kind words he spoke in the face of my unkind ones. When I remember him, I don't think of the shirts he wore or the belt that bore his name, I remember the grace, the humility, and the kindness he displayed in seeking to reconcile the relationship I had broken. It was the first time in my life that I had experienced such blatant grace.

I find it interesting that the Bible seldom talks about Jesus' clothes. Maybe that was so we would remember His character--and by His character He was clothed in perfect obedience, sacrificial love, deep compassion, moral perfection, and indescribable strength. When He went to the cross, He was stripped of clothing and as Lucado put it "all that he wore was the indignity of nakedness, the indignity of failure, and the indignity of our sin He bore in His body." Because He bore our sin, He also bore the shame of the one who murders, the one who abuses his power, the one who commits adultery, and the one who views pornography. He also bears the disgrace of one who lies, one who cheats, one who steals, and one who mistreats others.

What we sometimes forget is that on the cross Jesus exchanged our dirty, disgusting clothing woven of the sinful choices we've made, the unkind, hurtful words we've spoken, and the prideful, greedy, selfish attitudes we display for a garment of salvation woven with threads of purity, honesty, perfect love, goodness, fairness, truth, mercy and grace.

There is Grace in the Thorns

Thorns are rigid, hard extensions of leaves, roots, or buds with sharp stiff ends that offer a plant protection from herbivores. They are not pretty and they do not seem to have much use, except that they burn hot. Yet, God chose to write thorns into His redemption story. Thorns first appear in the Scriptures in Genesis 3 when God cursed the ground with them after Adam and Eve sinned. The thorns marred God's perfect creation, making it more difficult for man to grow and gather his food. From that time on, every field overgrown with thorns and thistles, every thorn covered bush we encounter on a hike, and every painful prick we receive when we trim our roses reminds us of both the pain we endure and the pain we cause through sin. 

After Genesis, thorns were mentioned several times. They became an intricate part of the revelation of God's grace, starting with Moses. Jesus described the burning bush from which God spoke to Moses as a burning thorn bush in Luke 20:37. In his article, The Splendor of Thorns, Jud Davis says, "The One who appeared in the Garden and pronounced the curse of thorns now reappears in the midst of the thorns, promising deliverance." 

God later instructed Israel to build the tabernacle out of Acacia wood, which is a small bushy tree covered with long thorns. He instructed Israel to cover it in gold. Maybe God chose to use an element that was a result from the Curse to build a dwelling place for His glorious fiery presence as a place He could meet with sinful men. Could it be that God was reminding mankind that He came to deliver us from the curse--the curse which included spiritual death? 

In the New Testament thorns appeared when Jesus, who was the promised Prophet, Messiah, and Savior all rolled into one, was about to be crucified. First, He was stripped and beaten and then with back bleeding and raw He was clothed in a robe and crowned with a crown made of thorns. The soldiers may have meant the crown to be an insult because they were placing the curse of the fall upon His brow. However, He who had the power to speak the world into place, the power to calm angry seas with a word, the power to drive out demons that held men captive, and had the power to silence His enemies with a single word chose, instead, to bear the thorns for you and for me. Those thorns on His brow--they remind us that the curse came because of our sin and our rebellion and remind us that He, the sinless One, was willing and qualified to bear the curse on our behalf. They remind us of the abundance of God's grace--a grace big enough to cover all of our sin. As Davis so eloquently put it in his article, "Adam comes naked to a live tree and spiritually murders the entire race by a single act of disobedience. Jesus comes to a dead tree and allows Himself to be stripped naked. Then, in the ultimate act of obedience--His very death after a lifetime of full and total obedience to God--He makes alive all those who would ever by God's grace repent of their sins and trust in Him alone for salvation."

I find it interesting that God also used thorns as analogies. He used them to warn Israel as they entered the Promised Land that if they did not drive out the inhabitants of the land, those remaining would become like barbs in their eyes and thorns in their sides. Even after Jesus died, rose again, and descended into heaven, Paul used thorns as an analogy in 2 Corinthians 12:7, "So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited." I've heard a few sermons on this passage and most say that Paul did not specifically say what the thorn was so we could all relate to what it is. Some claim it was a physical ailment, some claim it was reminders of His past, and some say that it was perhaps a fleshly weakness he had to continuously battle in the process of sanctification. I don't think it matters, except to understand that the thorn served to birth humility in the Apostle Paul who was shown glorious visions no man had seen before. 

I believe thorns can be all sorts of things. I also believe each thorn will serve a purpose driven by God's grace. Thorns can be addictions we battle daily that cause us to depend totally on God to grow in holiness. They can be besetting sins that trip us up--those sins that became ingrained before we knew Jesus that are sometimes still driven by overwhelming urges, especially when we are tired or stressed and long most to be who Christ created us to be. The grace of these kinds of thorns drive us to a moment by moment walk with the One who can give us victory over them. Thorns may also be illnesses that cause pain, leaving us depleted, aching, and a bit homesick for heaven, graciously allowing us to maintain a heavenly perspective others don't have. They may also be lies spoken to us by others or whispered into our minds by the Enemy that somehow became core beliefs ingrained and seared into our brains. These can be lies about God's goodness and His love. They can also be lies about us--lies that tell us we are unlovable, irredeemable, inadequate, and unclean. The grace in these thorns drive us to the truth of who we are as sinful children redeemed by grace and made clean by our God who has an unfathomable passion to save. The grace in these is that as lies are uncovered, the daily choice to choose God's truth breaks the power of the lies and changes the belief system one decision at a time. 

Thorns can also be painful, dysfunctional relationships. We have all had a few of those. There were times in my youth I was thoughtless and difficult and a thorn in the sides of others. I hope to this day God healed people who were hurt by my choices, my words, my reactions, and my sin. I believe there are also times when we try our best to be loving and kind and are still a person who is a trigger or a thorn to someone. In those cases it may be our personality, our character, our faith, or our experiences that causes someone to experience emotional pain by simply knowing us. It is hard to be in those situations, but it helps to remember that ultimately the pain they experience is due to past trauma, broken relationships, or because it brings to the surface negative beliefs and insecurities. 

I know I personally was an unwilling thorn in some of my relationships to people I cared deeply about. It was as if just my presence could hurt them. In one relationship, it was my faith that drove the person away. In another, it was the fact that I had five children and the other couldn't conceive. It hurt my heart that the prick of the thorn was felt every time she saw me with my children and she was left to continue reconciling God's sovereignty and her desire to have children. Another friend who had lost three babies actually shared with me that seeing me with my last baby was like a thorn in her side. I hated that her just seeing me with my baby hurt her, but thankfully she recognized the thorn as a sign she needed to continue processing her grief, allowing us to remain friends until she passed away. For another, it was my spiritual gifts that drove a wedge in a relationship by triggering insecurities in a very gifted person. Ironically, when I chose to enter recovery for an eating disorder, it was my healing that at first became a thorn in my sweet husband's side. As I got healthier, our relationship was thrown off balance and my husband had to reconnect with a wife who now used her voice, a wife who could think for herself, and a wife who expressed opinions of her own, which challenged his distorted view of the oneness to which God called us.  

At times I hated the feeling of unintentionally being a thorn in others' sides. At one point, I wrestled long and hard with God over that concept, grieving the discomfort and brokenness experienced. I didn't want to be the source of pain and just wanted God to surround me with people who would love me for me and let us all enjoy warm fuzzy feelings of relationships as I imagined them to be. Over time I accepted that being an unintentional thorn in another's side is a part of the iron sharpening iron sanctification process that God uses to grow His character in us. Maybe He intentionally brings certain people together who sharpen each other--and yes sharpening and pricking are painful, but they are both directed and carried out by a God whose love knows no end. 

In the middle of processing these things called thorns with friends, I realized God used those relationships, over which I wrestled, to plop me in the middle of a ministry in which I, and those who serve with me, have to be willing to be thorns in the sides of women, many of whom are struggling and/or who have been victimized. As much as they want to get healthy when pain is triggered or fear rises, we find ourselves having to firmly resist their persistent attempts to draw us into the unhealthy, ungodly, and self-defeating systems of denial and dysfunction formed in response to past trauma and pain. But, it is necessary for us to be willing to be thorns that will prick them to help them move out of denial and self-protection so God can heal their pain and they can fulfill the calling of God on their lives to love both God and others well. 

I also realized our ministry itself is a bit of a thorn in our church's side. Every year when we advertise groups, at least a third of our women are reminded of pain they are stuffing and the stories they are denying. Some are reminded of the shame they hide that was inflicted on them through abuse or shame that was self-induced by hiding sinful or self-deprecating behaviors they use to numb. We are a thorn in the sides of people who sit in church satisfied with surface relationships and mask wearing, because we get real and women walk out never willing to wear masks again, refusing to deny their stories, or be content with fake relationships. We are a thorn to those who have mistreated, abused, or contributed to the abuse of victims because we remind them they inflicted pain on others. We are probably even a thorn to our leadership who are reminded that at least one third of our women in our church have been victimized and that how they act, speak, and react to wounded women, whom they most likely will not even be able to identify, will either cause secondary wounding or promote healing. 

I’m so thankful my church is willing to let us enter messy lives of women in ways that facilitate healing for them and their families. There have been a few hard conversations along the way, but they were conversations that bore fruit. I’m thankful one of the pastors even called to discuss a sermon he was going to preach and wanted to be sensitive to the women we serve and build them up.  

As I am writing this it has occurred to me that just as the physical thorns were woven into the redemption story, the thorns of analogy have been intricately woven into the process of sanctification. While the grace of the physical reminded us of both the curse and the Saviors' willingness to bear it for us, the grace of the analogy is that it reminds us of the need of a moment by moment walk with Jesus that results in sanctification. When God calls us to be thorns, we must remember His grace and be willing to do what He asks whether it be speaking the truth in love, exhorting, comforting, encouraging, or simply forgiving. Though there may be times God calls us to walk away from painful relationships, there will be more times He wants us to stay so sin is exposed and confessed, lies are surfaced and replaced with truth, and pride is dissolved into humility that allows His glory to be reflected through us. That is the grace that is in the thorns. 

https://answersingenesis.org/biology/plants/the-splendor-of-thorns/

The Tendency to Judge

 One of the concepts in Scripture with which I have wrestled long and hard is the concept of judging. It is something we all do whether we admit it or not. We judge one product as being better than another. This kind of judgment can be beneficial and create accountability for companies to offer better products. As a boss we may judge one person as better than another when we compare the way they do their jobs. That can help a boss make decisions on who to promote or to hire the best person for a job. After all, what boss wouldn't wants to hire a person who demonstrates good performance, a strong work ethic, and a willingness to learn new things to help a company grow? We, as consumers, may also judge professionals. For example we may judge one doctor as better than another because he listens to his patients, is considerate of their time, and continuously makes wise decisions for them. We may judge others' words as either helpful and uplifting or as wounding and soul-crushing. These kinds of judgments help us foster relationships with those who are more nurturing and less apt to continuously hurt us. We may judge the actions of others and even ourselves as either good or bad. These kinds of judgments can be useful when they are aligned with Scripture to help us to choose not to sin. 

There are judgments that are not godly. John 7:24 says, "Do not judge by appearances, judge with right judgment." The judgments that are not godly are many. This can apply to how we look at situations, events, people, ourselves, and our relationships. We might judge a circumstance as bad, when really it is orchestrated by God; designed to mature us. Some judgments become ungodly when we choose to judge someone's heart and not value them as an image bearer because of external things we see--things like skin color, educational level, the part of town in which a person lives, a person's dress, they way they speak, the way they act, their religion or lack there of, or their denomination. Many of us even harshly judge ourselves.

I confess I have been one who judged other people and myself without even realizing it. I had to become more mindful of what was going on inside of me to realize I did it. I think the concept of judging first came up in a counselor's office when I expressed the anger and hurt I had been stuffing for years. In the beginning most of the anger and judgments were turned inward, judging myself so harshly that I silently screamed hateful names at myself--names I would never say to someone else--names that crushed my spirit far more than any other person had. I didn't like who I'd become. I didn't like how I related to others. And I hated myself because I couldn't change faster. I hated me for not being the perfect me I always envisioned me to be.

A few years ago I broke my knee and spent the night on a gurney in the emergency room. They were busy and didn't have a room for me so my gurney was pushed up against the wall between two doors. Late in the night my exhausted husband leaned his head against the gurney and nodded off. I couldn't sleep and it seemed like every nurse who entered one of the rooms near by bumped the gurney, increasing my pain. When my husband woke up, I told him I didn't understand how he could sleep with them bumping the gurney so hard. He looked puzzled and said he hadn't noticed them bumping it. I realized it was because I was already in pain that the bumps and brushes seemed bigger than they were. 

I also realized the way I perceived life, how much pain I emotionally experienced in the present, and how I related were greatly impacted by emotional wounds from my past that had never healed. We all get knocked around. Some are fortunate and able to express pain, have it acknowledged by others, and healed. But for many their emotional pain gets stuffed and remains unhealed, impacting them in such away they either overreact or under react to each new 'bump" experienced in the same way my husband and I perceived and reacted differently to the bumps experienced in the ER.   

As I faced past pain, I was able to grieve what I'd never grieved before--broken relationships, wounding actions of others, losses incurred through death, hurtful words that shaped my view of me, and the losses incurred as a result of an isolating eating disorder. I realized I'd dealt with life by denying the story I lived—the very story authored by God. As I began to come out of denial and accept the story God was writing, I learned to grieve and let go of pain of the past. It gave me insight as to why I reacted to life, people, God, and myself as I did. As I healed, I accepted myself without judgment and looked at myself with curiosity, allowing me to face sin graciously and grow faster than I did when I heaped harsh judgments on myself. Understanding myself helped me see why I have made choices I made, said the things I said, and did the things I did—the good, the bad, and the down right ugly. It, helped me reach a point I was able to be gracious to myself and as I’ve gained more compassion for myself, I dwelt less on my sin. When I gave up the self-contempt and confessed sin I was able to let go of shame and move past it more quickly. As I grieved and let go of emotional pain, I found the hurts of today more bearable. 

I also realized I was often confused by the way people acted or reacted. After being bumped on that gurney, I realize I didn’t understand because I didn’t know their stories. I didn't know the traumas they had endured that had shaped their view of themselves, others, God, and life. I didn't know the resources and support they had or didn't have to help them recover. I didn’t know about the biting words they heard that crushed their spirits and deflated their hope of being who God created them to be. I didn't know the history behind the different relationships they had that from the outside looked great, but grieved their hearts deeply. I didn't know about the losses they experienced and never grieved that created a relational starvation a long with an enormous fear of abandonment keeps them from what their heart desires. 

The sense of curiosity I've gained from counseling enabled me to not only be able to look at myself with curiosity, it enabled me to look at others with it, too. I want to know what makes them laugh, cry, cringe, scream, become angry, and love instead of assuming they are “crazy,” “immature,” or “bad.” I want to know how they view their Creator and what it would take for them to trust Him with their whole being. I'm less apt to judge their worth from the external and more apt to ask about their stories enabling me to learn what drives their decision making, their actions and their reactions, and what triggers their defenses or lowers them enough to allow one to peek inside. 

Letting go of wrong judgments enables me to love more like Jesus loved. It enables me to speak the truth more gently. It enables me to point someone toward a godlier path without triggering shame that could deepen the wounds their bear. I am much more apt to listen to someone's pain than to hand them empty platitudes that falsely imply they are less spiritual for struggling. 

Most importantly, I am honored when someone shares their story with me. Instead of judging them for how they have lived their story, I find myself thanking God that He has allowed me to be given the sacred trust of listening as I ask Him to give me the discernment to know when to be silent, when to speak, and what words would be honey to their wounded heart. Hopefully, God will continue to remind me that He is the only just judge and use me to encourage others when they need hope the most.