We Come Limping to His Table

In high school I developed an eating disorder that expressed itself in many ways over time. My kids were in high school and college when I realized my dieting was dangerously out of control and I decided to get help. When I first started counseling, I was in denial about the impact my disorder had on others and said something like, "At least it's only food and doesn't impact my family like alcohol or drugs might." The counselor smiled and explained that if he were doing family counseling with us, the first things he would do is ask my children to draw the family dinner table. He then asked me what I thought they would draw and I had to admit that they would have drawn the table with my place empty as I seldom ate with them. I realized in that session that the dinner table was as much about family interaction as it was about food. In recovery, I also became more and more aware and fascinated by Bible passages that dealt with food and meals.

I had struggled with deep shame for a long time over my relationship with food. I hated how often my thoughts were consumed with food, dieting, or the number on the scale. I was also ashamed that food itself was the source of my struggle. After I entered recovery I realized the very first sin committed was centered around food. I also realized Adam and Eve's choice to eat the fruit was more about what Satan promised than the fruit itself. Satan's temptation stirred in them a desire that the fruit didn't fulfill and they ended up miserable.

I could relate to Adam and Eve as I turned to food when I mistook relational hunger for physical hunger.At times I searched frantically for the perfect food to satisfy a hunger I couldn't identify--a hunger food could never satisfy. I could relate to them when I thought I would be happier if only I had something else, which for me was usually a low number on the scale. I restricted food intake so I could feel more powerful when I felt powerless over life, only to realize it was a vicious cycle.I could relate to them when I thought certain foods would calm my anxious heart.  And, when I ate to calm my anxiety, I could sleep the sleep of a food coma, only to awaken to unresolved issues that had stirred my anxious heart, now coupled with the shame brought on by my choices. I eventually realized food wasn't the enemy and it didn't have power over me unless I gave it power. I also realized that eating wasn't a shameful act when I did it with a grateful heart, praising God for His provision. In fact it was an act of worship, resulting in God being ever present. I could walk with Him through disordered thoughts and temptations and see them as an opportunity to know God better.

A few years into recovery I was in a freak accident that left me with a limp. As a result, I embraced the story of Mephibosheth who was Jonathon's son and Saul's grandson. It would have been customary for Jonathon to become king when Saul died, but God appointed David instead. David faithfully served Saul in the interim, but Saul was filled with jealousy over David's God-given abilities, future kingship, and David's victory over Goliath that resulted in popularity. In a fit of jealous rage, he tried to kill David and David realized the king viewed him as an enemy. This grieved both Jonathon and David who were close friends. Jonathon helped David escape and David vowed to show Jonathon and his family mercy when he became king.

Then Saul and Jonathon were killed, leaving behind Mephibosheth. When Mephibosheth's nurse heard of their deaths, she fled with the young boy and fell, injuring both his legs. After David established his kingdom, he remembered his promise to Jonathon and called a servant to find out if there was anyone from Saul's house alive to which he could show mercy. The servant told him about young crippled Mephibosheth and David sent for him.

I imagine Mephibosheth was filled with fear when he was called to the palace of the king that his grandfather had tried to kill. And, when he arrived, he humbly bowed before David and David told him not to be afraid because he had called him to show him favor. Mephibosheth offered himself as a servant, but David gave him a seat at his own table, which meant he, the king, considered Mephibosheth as a son. David also gave him land so his servants could work it and provide all that he needed, which gave the crippled Mephibosheth back his dignity. 

I love this story because of my limp and the invitation to the king's table. Each one of us is Mephibosheth. We were born God's enemy and have been crippled by sin that we have committed and by sin that has been perpetrated against us. Since the fall we have all also been crippled by all sorts of trauma, causing us to be crippled in our ability to do good, our ability to manage our emotions, our ability to discern truth from lies, our ability to love well, and our ability to worship and honor God. Yet, like Mephibosheth, we have been invited to the palace of the King of kings and we come limping to God's table with nothing to offer. Just as Mephibosheth found mercy because of David's love for Jonathon, we have found mercy because of the Father's love for Jesus. Like Mephibosheth, we who don't deserve to even be servants, have been made joint heirs with Christ.  

There are still times that my ankle gets sore and stiff and my limp becomes more pronounced and walking more awkward. There are times that something happens to trigger feelings of past traumas and I find myself walking through my relationships with an invisible "limp" that, too, feels awkward and uncomfortable. There are also times I experience stress and old eating disordered thoughts raise their ugly heads and I find myself "limping" awkwardly through the day barely holding on to what is healthy and good. At those times I know I can either get frustrated and give into shameful thoughts that shout in my head, "I should be over this by now!" Or, I can choose to remember how Mephibosheth, who was David's enemy came to be seated at the king's table and then choose to cling to the truth that I, who was once God's enemy, am now seated at His table, forever belonging to His family. I am also reminded that through His divine power He has given me every thing I need for a godly life through the knowledge of Him who has called us out of His goodness. Over time I've let go of the shame I associated with my different "limps"--physical, relational, and emotional--and I am thankful for this Biblical picture of my reconciliation to the King of kings. 

I know that as we, God's crippled children, each come hobbling up to His table, we are met with lavish mercy and grace that we did nothing to earn. I know that at His table we are forever covered with a love that has been shown through Christ's brutal death on a cross. You  and I may come limping to His table, but the Father welcomes us without hesitation, seeing each of us hidden in Christ becoming the person He created us to be. 

This is War!

We sang This is War, by Dustin Kensrue in church this week. I had never heard the song before and as we started singing the first stanza, I wondered why we were singing it during the Christmas season. The beginning, beautiful as it is, sounded like anything but a Christmas song. 

          This is war like you ain't seen.

          This winter's long, it's cold and mean.

With hangdog hearts we stood condemned.

But the tide turns at Bethlehem.

Oh, the last line of that stanza grabbed my heart and turned it toward Christmas. It introduced what was meant by the words, "This is war." The next stanzas explain it's classification as a Christmas song: 

This is war and born tonight,

The Word as flesh, The Lord of Light,

The Son of God, the low-born King;

Who demons fear, of whom angels sing. 

This is war on sin and death;

The dark will take its final breath.

It shakes the earth, confounds all plans: 

The mystery of God as man. 

As we sang, I began to think about God's story. The war on sin and death was declared long before the baby Jesus was born. It was declared in Eden when God came to Adam and Eve after they sinned. I've always heard the consequences God gave the couple and the Serpent referred to as curses. But what a different tone the story takes when we read it as a declaration of war against sin and death. 

It was a war that began long ago in the heavenly realm when Satan rebelled against God. It was a war man was unwittingly drawn into as the couple listened to the Serpent's voice. It was a war that was won in the mystery of God as man. It is a war that is still being played out in our lives every single day as the enemy continues to try to thwart God's plan. The Christmas story is important because without the little Babe, we would not have had a Kinsman Redeemer who laid down His life to bear God's wrath for our sin. I think there is a whole lot more to the war than this song states. 

It is not only a war on sin, it is a war on our inborn tendencies to do wrong, to become enslaved to sin, to go our own way, and to put our will and our fleshly desires above our Creator's. The war is won for each of us as we humble ourselves, recognizing our depravity against the backdrop of God's holiness. It is won as we come to the end of ourselves and come to Jesus and His finished work by faith. It is won because we have the ability in Christ to refuse to submit to the yoke of slavery again. 

It is a war on death. When we come to Christ by faith, our dead spirits are raised to life and we are given the capacity to see and understand great spiritual truths and given the chance to relate to our God freely. And when He comes back, those who are His will not see death and those who have died in the faith will be raised to life again. Death no longer has a sting for the believer. 

It is a war on the Evil One and his dark forces. Colossians 2:15 tells us, "He disarmed the rulers and authorities and put them to open shame by triumphing over them." One of the youth pastors I served under used to say, The only power the enemy has is a lie." We can choose not to believe the lie. 

It is a war on our unhealed wounds. I serve wounded women who often come to us feeling angry and abandoned by God. I witness them come to trust Him when they meditate on Isaiah 53. Jesus was despised and rejected as many of them have been. The God-man experienced sorrow and grief just like they have. He was one from whom men hid their faces, which speaks to those who cried for help and had people turn their faces away, pretending not to hear. Just as some have carried the grief and sorrows of their families, they are touched when they realize Jesus has carried theirs. Just as people have viewed them as stricken and smitten by God because of the abuses they endured, they realize Jesus understands as people of Jesus day viewed him the same way. He was pierced, crushed, oppressed, afflicted, misjudged, and chastised as He paid for sin He didn't commit. By coming to understand the depth of the wounding of the Savior who loves them, they realize suffering can serve noble purposes and they come to trust Him with the deep wounds only He can heal. They realize He is their in their suffering and they hold on to the truth that suffering is only for a season.  

It is a war on the powerlessness we feel as a result of our weaknesses. We are strengthened with  power through His Spirit that resides in our inner being (Eph. 2:15 and Col. 1:11). Because of this, the mom who sits beside her suffering child's hospital bed can live with gratitude and hope. Because of this, the person living with chronic pain can bless the lives of those who come to minister to her. Because of this, the woman who just buried her husband can rise up out of her bed of grief and love her little ones well. Because of this, those who have suffered multiple trauma's at the hands of abusers and shooters can still rise up and say, "I will not live in fear." 

It is a war on broken relationships as He is our peace and has made us one by breaking down dividing wall of hostility (Eph. 2:14). Because of this, couples can thrive as they allow God to repair their broken marriages. Friendships can endure the thoughtless actions and hurtful words of people still learning to love well. Women can forgive and move past horrendous betrayals of fathers who groomed them to abuse and then cast the shame of their actions on them. And, people of all races can come together, casting aside their preconceived prejudices to love one another well as they lift  voices in one accord to worship the King.   

It is a war on alienation from God. For as we are rooted and grounded in love, we are adopted into His family and are given the strength to comprehend the richness of Christ's love and to be filled with the fullness of God. If our roots go deep, there is nothing that can come against us that will cause us to doubt the Lord's love. (Gal. 4:5, Eph. 1:5, Eph. 2:18-19).

It is a war on anxiousness for the Lord is ever near. We now have direct access to Him through prayer and can cast all of our cares on Him, knowing He cares for us and that He is the source of the peace that surpasses understanding. That is how President Bush could tell his family he did not fear death. That is why first responders and soldiers can run into the face of danger as the rest of us flee. That is why in this unstable world that is marred by sin, catastrophic natural disasters, and horrible crime, we can still lay down and sleep a peaceful sleep. 

It is a war on shame--that toxic emotion, telling us we are not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough and too much to be truly loved. It is that emotion that comes from unresolved guilt and the lies the enemy whispers in the aftermath of a failure or a trauma. Because of the work of Jesus, the Lord clothes us with garments of salvation: and He covers us our unrighteousness with robes of righteousness. Instead of shame we receive His blessing. Instead of dishonor He gives us everlasting joy. 

The war declared in Eden had promises of redemption and victory strewn throughout the Old Testament. The war commenced when Mary carried and birthed the baby who was God incarnate. The war was ultimately won in Gethsemane when Jesus set His will to lay down His life on the cross that the Father had set before Him. 

Oh, we struggle and often live as if the battle has not been won as we are waiting for Jesus to return and bind the Enemy. As we wait the enemy and his cohorts relentlessly whisper insidious lies about God, our loved ones, and us in our ears. We must remember the only power they have is in their lies and we can take their power away by destroying arguments and lofty opinions raised against the knowledge of God and by taking every thought captive to God's truth as we set our wills to obey Christ. 

You and I can walk in the Lord's victory when we remember God is ever present and knows just what it takes for us to be transformed into the people He created us to be. We walk in His victory as we remember we are never alone, never helpless, never hopeless, and never invisible. For, we are His beloved children, bought with His blood, set free by faith in Him, sealed by the Spirit, and given truth and power to navigate this life until He returns. The war. The war has been won.   

  

The Great Clothing Exchange

The Great Clothing Exchange

During Lent I started reading Max Lucado's book, He Chose the Nails. As always, Lucado gave me a lot to think about. In this book he shares how the Scriptures often describes our behavior as the clothes we wear. The epistles even tell us to take off certain behaviors and to put on godly behaviors. As a woman I've always liked the clothing analogies because we can get caught up in the external, thinking our clothing will make a difference in how people perceive us. But, the truth is when we come face to face with overt behavior, either good or bad, we are more apt to remember the behavior than the clothes worn. When I've had someone tell me a boldfaced lie, I don't remember the cute shirt they were wearing. I remember the lie they told. When I've had someone betray me, I didn't remember the outfit worn by them, I remember the painful betrayal. When I've had hateful words spewed at me, I don't remember the pretty sweater worn by the speaker, just the sound of the hateful words being hurled at me.  

After my third baby was born, I was struggling with postpartum depression. I went to the store early one morning to buy milk for the kids' breakfast. I was barely physically functioning and my mind was in a dull fog. I sat the milk on the counter and looked in my wallet and realized I didn't have enough cash, so I put my wallet back and pulled out my checkbook. In the fog of depression, I couldn't remember the name of the store and had to ask. Then I had to ask the clerk to repeat the amount I owed a couple of times. I knew I was taking too long, but I couldn't muster up enough energy to speed up. The clerk saw the line growing behind me and he sighed impatiently as if to let me know I was holding things up. The pressure of that added to the stress I was already feeling. Frustrated with me, the clerk said, "I've never seen anyone take so long to write a check." My face grew hot and tears slid down my face from the shame his words evoked--shame of not having it "all together" and shame from feeling defective for not being able to function adequately enough write a check quickly enough to satisfy the social norms. I don't remember the clothing the clerk wore, but I do remember his impatience. He might as well have embroidered the word, "IMPATIENT" boldly across his shirt pocket.

Years later, I was working as a volunteer youth worker in a small church. One year we were without a youth director so another couple, and my husband and I, filled in and loved it. Then came the news the church had hired a youth director and along with the news came a few unkind remarks that triggered insecurity and grief for all of four of us. The man who was ultimately in charge asked me to prepare something for the midweek group time, but when I walked in that night, he said he had changed his mind and he did something different. He could tell I was hurt and offered to talk, but I was too shut down to share what I was feeling and what I was thinking. I ran into him Sunday morning and right before church, and right before He had to go on stage to help with worship, I confronted him harshly.  I then avoided him, believing our relationship was over. He called that week and my husband handed me the phone, saying "You two need to talk." I apologized and he asked me what I was apologizing for. I thought a moment and told him I realized I didn't take the opportunity to deal with the hurt, that he had given me, and that my timing was horrible and my words were biting. He told me he accepted that apology. He explained that though the timing was bad and the words harsh, he agreed with the content of the confrontation. He also told me he still considered me his friend and told me what he believed I contributed to the group. Believe me, I didn't deserve the grace he showed in the face of my anger. Nor did I deserve the kind words he spoke in the face of my unkind ones. When I remember him, I don't think of the shirts he wore or the belt that bore his name, I remember the grace, the humility, and the kindness he displayed in seeking to reconcile the relationship I had broken. It was the first time in my life that I had experienced such blatant grace.

I find it interesting that the Bible seldom talks about Jesus' clothes. Maybe that was so we would remember His character--and by His character He was clothed in perfect obedience, sacrificial love, deep compassion, moral perfection, and indescribable strength. When He went to the cross, He was stripped of clothing and as Lucado put it "all that he wore was the indignity of nakedness, the indignity of failure, and the indignity of our sin He bore in His body." Because He bore our sin, He also bore the shame of the one who murders, the one who abuses his power, the one who commits adultery, and the one who views pornography. He also bears the disgrace of one who lies, one who cheats, one who steals, and one who mistreats others.

What we sometimes forget is that on the cross Jesus exchanged our dirty, disgusting clothing woven of the sinful choices we've made, the unkind, hurtful words we've spoken, and the prideful, greedy, selfish attitudes we display for a garment of salvation woven with threads of purity, honesty, perfect love, goodness, fairness, truth, mercy and grace.

Living with the Hope of the Resurrection

As I was thinking about Easter and what it means to live with the hope of the resurrection, I thought of my sweet friend, Daphne, whom I’ve known for over thirty years. Five years ago, she and her husband Philip lost their oldest child in an accident. At the time, I was the administrative assistant in Dr. Norm Wright’s Trauma and grief class and I reached out to Daphne even though we were miles apart. Over these last five years she has shared her thoughts, feelings, and the lessons she has learned through her loss with me. What I love about Daphne is that she is transparent and honest about her thoughts and her feelings and she courageously reaches out when she needs support. I’ve been amazed at the strength and hope that she has and her willingness to revisit her own pain as she goes to other parents who have lost a child as she speaks hope into their lives when they most need it. I’ve been so blessed by our conversations that I asked her if she would share about living with the hope of the resurrection as a mom who has lost a child. She graciously agreed to do it. So, pull up a chair and sit a spell and read her story and hear her voice…   

The day Larry died was a beautiful sunny day. It was the weekend after spring break and we had all been together as a family since our oldest daughter, Mary, was home from Mississippi College. All four kids were looking forward to Saturday so they could celebrate Stephen's birthday mud riding at the lake bottom. After they left that afternoon, Philip and I decided it was too nice a day to work in the yard so we went for a walk together in the woods. We stopped in a place with huge pine trees and talked while staring up at the sky. I remember how peaceful, calm, and relaxing it was to just be lying there in the pine needles. We had great conversation and then decided to head back to the house, eat supper, and watch a movie. Phillip hopped in the shower while I got supper ready. I was just pulling it out of the oven when we got the first phone call from Stephen. I could tell by Phillip's voice and the look in his eyes that this was not a good call. He kept telling Stephen to calm down and that we were on our way. All Stephen told his dad was that Larry had a wreck and for us to please get there as soon as we could. Stephen knew at that time Larry was gone, but he didn't want to tell us that over the phone.

We grabbed a few things and left the house in a matter of minutes. Phillip got another call from Stephen and he assured him we were on our way and encouraged him to just be calm and pray. I got a call from Sally and I did the same. I happened to think to ask her who else was in the vehicle and that's when we found out about the other boys and Ashley. I told Sally to pray for her brother and Ash, try to be calm, and reminded her that we were on our way. We knew we would have very limited cell service so I made as many phone calls as I could until I lost service. Then I texted, "Don't know details.  Larry has had a bad wreck. Please pray and ask everybody you know to pray." I sent this text to as many people I could think of. I started getting text after text saying prayers were being lifted and a lot saying they were praying for peace for us. I have to admit, I was a little aggravated. I had asked my friends to pray for Larry and they were telling me that they were praying for me to have peace. This would all make since in just a little while. 

It was so quiet on that 45-minute drive. I continued to text and pray and let my mind wonder what the following days would include. I pictured ICU with Larry hooked to machines and possible broken bones. I would put that quickly out of my mind and asked God to help me handle whatever state we found Larry.

When we finally got there, we came upon over a mile of parked cars. It was dark so there was just a steady stream of lights. We drove in the left lane around the cars until we saw where Stephen was parked. It was very quiet. I was expecting sirens and chaos but it was all so calm. I opened my door and jumped out before Phillip came to a complete stop. He was finishing a conversation with Ashley's dad so he remained in the vehicle for just a few seconds longer than me. As I came around the back of the suburban I saw Stephen running towards me. He threw his arms around me, crying he said, "Mama, Larry is gone". We knew Ashley had been airlifted to Memphis, and Dusty was being carried to the hospital so I wasn't sure where "gone" was. I grabbed his face, looked him in the eyes and asked, "What are you telling me?" He then said, "Mama, Larry is dead." At that point, his legs gave out from under him and I had his entire weight in my arms. I held him up and kept him from falling to the ground. I asked who told him that and he said everybody. I thought he was just listening to bystanders talk and told him not to think that until we knew officially. I then looked for Sally and Mary. Phillip had gone over to see if he could get information about Larry. I finally had my children and Ashley's brother in a circle around me all hugging. I asked someone to please pray. I don't remember what was prayed but I do remember that I had a feeling of peace come over me like I had never experienced. As I stood there with my arms around my children I knew whatever happened, we were going to all be alright. 

It had gotten chilly so I sent someone to get a blanket out of our vehicle. Philip hadn't returned with any news so we sat quietly in the dark. It wasn't long until he came and knelt down in front of me and held my hand. 

My husband is a kind, considerate, and compassionate man. I'm not sure how he had composed himself in such a short amount of time. He had just seen our son and had identified his body and now he had the task of telling his family the news. He told me about the others involved in the wreck first. Then with so much tenderness in his eyes and voice, he apologized to me. He said, "I am so sorry, Daphne, but Larry didn't survive the accident." Time stopped.

I heard someone screaming and realized it was me. My mind spun out of control and I wailed. I'm not sure how long that went on. Phillip just held me there. All this time I had been wondering where Larry was and what was happening with him. Suddenly, an overwhelming peace came over me. My screaming was hushed instantly. I realized in that moment that I knew exactly where Larry was. It is an indescribable feeling to realize that one of your precious children is in the presence of his Savior. I sat in awe of this place. God had been here. 

In the days after the accident, so many little details of that night made so much more sense. My friends had prayed I would have peace. Those prayers were answered in the exact moment I needed them to be. Our days were now a bit chaotic, but God had given us such a peaceful afternoon to get our thoughts together. Thing after thing happened that reminded me of what a merciful, gracious, and loving God I have. How did people who don't have a relationship with God handle this kind of situation? It's unimaginable to me. 

Larry accepted Christ as his Savior when he was young. He understood that when Jesus died on the cross, that He died for him. Because of this, I know one day I will see my son again in heaven. That gives me so much comfort.

1 Thessalonians 4:13 states, "I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with him those who sleep in Jesus." What a blessing! Jesus died but he didn't stay that way. He arose from the dead. He conquered death. Not only that, the Bible also promises me that one day He's going to come back, "For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord. Therefore comfort one another with these words." (I Thessalonians 4:16-18 NKJV) 

I am indeed comforted by these words and live, looking forward to the day I'll see my son again. 

                                                     

                                                   Daphne McKibben

                                                            4/13/17

Living In Reality

"He will swallow up death forever;

and the LORD GOD will wipe away tears from all faces,

and the reproach of His people He will take away from all the earth,

for the Lord has spoken.

It will be said on that day,

"Behold, this is our God; we have waited for him, that he might save us.

This is the LORD; we have waited for Him; 

Let us be glad and rejoice in His salvation."

Isaiah 25:8-9   

 

As Christmas approached, I found myself wishing I was a perfect gift giver. You know the person who reads between the lines and creatively comes up with meaningful gifts for everyone. Gifts that draw oohs and ahs and great big smiles. I so wish I was that person, but I am not. Instead, I find myself  a tad overwhelmed as five kids grown have added spouses six grandkids to the mix, making loud and crazy fun. Yet, this mom's heart noticed in the mist of noise the loud silence usually filled by three missing voices. Voices of those experiencing first Christmases away. Phone calls and Facetime helped some and grownup kids made Christmas easy this year, helping in the kitchen, doing projects with kids, taking dogs to the park, and creating laughter with jokes and stories. No longer bearing the sole responsibility of making Christmas happen was good for both me and Poppi. 

 

Then goodbyes were said, our house became too quiet. Christmas became another memory as neighborhood twinkling lights diminished. I found myself experiencing a bit of grief. So, when Poppi suggested a movie, I quickly voted for Saving Mr. Banks, thinking it would be light hearted and pull me out of my "after-Christmas funk." But instead, I got a deeply thought-provoking, emotion-rousing, and grief-stirring movie! The kind of movie that leaves you feeling like you have been standing on sacred ground watching someone's pain unravel. At the end the movie I wanted to sit there for awhile out of respect for the story I'd just seen. I wanted to savor the emotions I momentarily believed I had shared with the characters on screen. Instead, I wiped away my tears and we left. But, inwardly I wept the rest of the day.  

 

I had heard the story was about the making of the Mary Poppins movie and the relationship between Walt Disney and Mrs. Travers. But I think it was more about her need to control the making of the movie. Present scenes, delicately woven with flashbacks of the author's life, lend understanding to her need to control, her judgmental stance, and her curt tongue. At one point Mrs. Travers gets angry at the creative crew, yelling that they have made Mr. Banks to be a monster of a man and wants to know why they can't make him better. They had made him as she had unknowingly described him in her book and her cry was a deeper cry she had never spoken before.

 

I want to say more, but won't spoil it for those who haven't seen it. So I will focus on why it impacted me. I lead support groups for women who suffered trauma in childhood, many of them coming out of extremely dysfunctional homes resulting in deep, long buried pain. These beautiful ladies coped in all sorts of ways, some similar to Mrs. Travers. Most of them having lived in denial most of their lives, peal off their denial, one layer at a time...this is that sacred ground I visit a lot. In the movie Walt realizes Mrs. Travers' pain drives her decisions and behavior in the same way that I see it in our ladies. 

 

I realized yesterday that we may develop denial in childhood to protect our hearts from things that are too painful to face, but we continue in denial as adults because we want different endings to the stories we live. We want to live in a family who love us more than their addictions. We want to live where cancer, heart disease, diabetes, or Alzheimer's doesn't take away people to early. We want to live where depression and a hosts of other mental illnesses don't rob us of the minds of those we love. We want to live where eating disorders don't destroy health and consume our daughters, moms, and grandmothers. We want parents who didn't abuse children in all sorts of ugly unspeakable ways, some even in the name of God. We want to live where pornography and adultery aren't ripping families apart and objectifying both men and women. We want to attend churches that don't wound us. We want to live where wars and natural disasters aren't scaring people until they are a but shell of the person God created them to be. 

 

The sad truth is that we have all been impacted by living in this sin-filled world and we have grown up in imperfect, broken families. The sad truth is that at the end of the day, every single day, we must face the fact that we, ourselves, have wounded others by loving so poorly.

 

I realized yesterday that adult denial is about wanting different endings, endings that gives peace and joy. Mrs. Travers sought those with her little Buda and her great big denial system, but she didn't get it. Walt sought peace and joy as he attempted to rewrite his story by creating "The Happiest Place on Earth," but it really isn't. In the same way, ladies in group try to write different endings through denial, endings in which parents didn't hurt them, disease didn't kill, people beat their addictions, innocence wasn't stolen, and needs were consistently and joyfully met. But, the truth is, people in denial remain plagued by the past that they avoid and they bear scares of broken relationships, bitterness, and depression. 

 

As I discussed the concept of denial with my husband it hit me that the one thing missing in the movie was that God has already written a different ending for each of our stories and that we often don't realize that. Because of His birth, His death, and His resurrection we can face the truth of our stories. For you see His story is not a make believe story, it is a redemption story! In Him chaos is calmed, insanity made sane, addictions and eating disorders overcome. In Him we can face and forgive unspeakable acts and be set free from the bitterness that hardens hearts. In Him we  experience unconditional healing love freeing us of the pain we hide. In Him, our morning is turned into dancing, grief into joy, inadequacies into adequate, not enough into enough, too much into just right, hatred into love, weakness into strength, and pride into sweet humility.

What if our desire for different endings is a holy desire? What if it was indelibly written on our hearts by the Creator to drive us to Him? Maybe, just maybe, it is our denial systems which we hold so tight that keeps us from seeing the beautiful stories already being penned by Him. Maybe it even clouded my ability to see that the only perfect gift is the gift of Jesus, Himself. 

 

As the new year unfolds, I hope we live in the truth of our stories just as He has written them, ever watchful as they unfold full of grace, full of redemptions, full of joy, and full of peace. There may be tears and fears in this life right now, but He will ultimately wipe away those tears as He takes us past our fears. We can trust Him who died in our place. For He bore our reproach, freeing us from the need to deny reality. Facing reality enables us to embrace His grace, freeing us to experience His outrageous, indescribable love. In Him, there's no need to rewrite a story, for salvation stories are stories He has perfectly written.    

God Meets us in our Fear

"The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,

my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,

my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."

Psalm 18:1-3

 

 

As a volunteer youth worker, I had the privilege of  having many young ladies tell me about the things that caused them emotional pain. I remember having a conversation with a girl about the things that made her feel anxious. She shared that her parents were going through a rough spot in their marriage. They were fighting a lot and in their frustration their fighting had been getting louder and some things were being said that I am sure they both regretted. As she spoke, I was overwhelmed by this feeling of having everything fall apart. I brushed it aside, assuming that the feeling was only the empathy I was feeling for her.

 

I asked her what she did when they fought. She said she would take her little sister in her bedroom and put on loud music and give her toys to play with and then she would go sit at the top of the stairs where she could hear and see what was going on without being observed. I asked her why she did it when the issue was obviously between her parents and caused her so much anxiety. She said something to me that resonated with me to the core of my being. "I have to hear so I know what to expect! Not knowing if they are going to stay together or not is more terrifying than hearing what they are saying." I tucked her words back in my mind to think about later, but avoided them. 

 

That conversation took place over twelve years ago. Yet the Lord has brought those words to my mind again. I have since done some work with a Christian therapist and I know why I was so triggered by her words. I was the same little girl she was describing herself to be. I was only nine when my parents went through a rough spot and considered divorce strongly enough to tell us kids. They worked through it at that time, but I know every time I heard them talking late at night I tried to hear their words. Every time they went into their bedroom and closed the door, my little ear was listening at their door...because not knowing what was going on was more terrifying than knowing the truth.

 

I had taken on a false responsibility of trying to keep our family in tact. I know now it wasn't my job and that it is impossible for a child to control the decisions parents make, but it seemed so real that when I left home for college I experienced extreme anxiety and horrible homesickness because I didn't know what was going on at home. Don't get me wrong, my parents weren't loud mean fighters...they were really good at hiding their stuff so I had to be extra vigilante to read the signs of trouble brewing. When they later did divorce, my gut reaction was guilt and a sense of failure. But as an adult, I was able to reason that it really wasn't my fault.  

 

As an adult I have experienced the same fear and anxiety that comes with believing things are falling apart. The most obvious was when the twin towers fell on 9-11. I have heard many people express that feeling when the economy took suck a big down turn a few years ago. Sadly, I have also experienced that feeling many times in the different churches of which I have been a member. I know anytime a group of individuals with differing temperaments, spiritual gifts, backgrounds, goals, and desires come together there will be conflict and sometimes it handled well and sometimes it isn't.

 

But looking back, every time I have heard of conflict in a church I am attending (and it has been in every church I have attended) that old familiar anxiety comes up and I become that little girl ever listening at her parents' door. I have known for awhile that the amount of anxiety I experience has always seemed too big for the situations. Yesterday, I think finally figured out why. 

 

As a little kid, it was normal for me to look to my family to feel safe and secure. As a preschooler I saw a bad accident on the road and looked to my mom to reassure me that everything was going to be okay. During the Cuban crisis every time I heard an airplane fly over, I would look at my dad to see if he looked worried or scared. When he didn't, I knew I could relax and all would be okay. 

 

After I left home and got married my parents divorced and I transferred that need for security to my church. We have lived in several states and attended many churches. In every one of those churches things have happened where that sense of security was shaken. Sometimes through conflict, sometimes through the loss of pastors or key leaders or close friends with whom I spent hours fellowshipping.

 

Had I grown up in a Christ centered home my parents would have taken it as their responsibility to teach me that my true security, my family's security, my churches' security, and my country's security is in the one and only true Rock -- Jesus! 

 

Yesterday, Pastor Brent Van Elswyk preached a sermon about the sayings of angels around the birth of Jesus. Two points of his sermon spoke volumes to me in regard to those yucky feelings of my world falling apart. The first was "Do not be afraid...when every thing falls apart. Trust God!" I realized that fear and anxiety set in because I focus on the state of feeling like my world might crumble, but the truth is God is in control even when it doesn't look like it from the view down here. Instead of transferring my security from my family to God, I had transferred it to church which is simply made up of a bunch of other wounded souls, who like myself, are learning to work out their salvation. The truth is God was, is now, and always will be trustworthy. 

 

The second point that spoke to me was, "Do not be afraid...when God burst into your life!" He went on to point out many different ways that God can burst into our lives and I have taken the liberty to expand his list.

 

God bursts into our lives with the announcement of a pregnancy , planned or not.

 

He bursts into our lives with changes in our government, desired or not.

 

He bursts into our lives during natural disasters -- flooding, earthquakes, or tornadoes.

 

He bursts into our lives, in the loss of those close to us, some old, some way too young, some with sweet goodbyes and some without.

 

He bursts into our lives when kids disobey or are wounded to the core by bullies.  

 

He bursts into our lives when we realize our spouses aren't perfect and that living with them exposes our own sinful attitudes, strongholds, and unresolved issues. 

 

He bursts into our lives in the midst of ugly divorces and fractured families, some with abundant grace and some with deep and painful bitterness.

 

He bursts into our lives when friendships crumble and reconciliations fail even when we have done everything we know to do to make them work. 

 

He bursts into our lives when we are traumatized by events, past or present.

 

He bursts into our lives by altering our dreams and  plans...when infertility robs us, when a baby is born way too early, when a company transfers us, when early retirement is forced, when ministries are shut down, or when we are told we aren't needed anymore, when injuries or health force changes in careers, when accidents change us in someway forever either physically or emotionally through PTSD. 

 

By learning to reframe anxiety provoking situations which turn me back into that little girl who listened at her parents door into "bursts of God" into my life, I can be a woman who finds my hope in Him who by His very nature is both sovereign and good. If I can let the truth of His goodness and His sovereignty sink into the deepest recesses of my heart, then those bursts, instead of provoking anxiety, become opportunities to see God at work in my life just as He did in the life of Noah who in facing a flood survived God's judgment on the earth...just as He did in the life of Abraham who was called to sacrifice his only child saw the miraculous substitute ram...just as He did in the life of Joseph sold by his brothers in to slavery who ended up being their salvation during a famine...just as He did in the life of Rahab who saw her city crumbled to become the grandmother of David...just as He did in the life of Ruth who buried one husband to become a part of the lineage of Christ...just as He did in the life of young Mary who was faced with an unplanned pregnancy not of her own doing to giving birth to the Son who became her Savior as well as mine.  

 

 

Perfectly Imperfect

"With one sacrifice he made perfect forever those who are being made holy."

Hebrews 10:14

I love this verse because it is a verse that actually mentions salvation and growth in the same sentence. Satan loves for us to be focused only on one aspect of our salvation at a time. When we focus only on the initial salvation--being saved from the penalty from our sin--we can be content in our sin knowing Christ paid for it. On the other hand, when we focus only on sanctification process of growth, we live in fear and don't enjoy our relationship with the Lord. Some even keep trying to earn salvation and never enjoy the peace that is available because of the finished work of Christ. When we forget about the future promise of being free from the presence of sin in our lives and in the lives of others we can end up feeling despair.

First, let's focus on the first part of the verse. With Christ’s death He made us perfect forever. Do we really believe that? Do we believe that Jesus took all of our sin in His body suffered God's wrath for our sin? John 1:29 says, "…the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world." These verses indicate God is not waiting for us to mess up so that He can write it in a book to hold over our heads. He is not keeping score. The truth is He has taken our sin away forever--never to use it against us. That is an amazing truth! Scripture talks about us being clothed in righteousness. A King has adopted us and when we arrived in His Kingdom we were given a new set of clothes befitting the King's kids. It would not make sense for us to have put these new clothes on top of our old dirty smelly rags. The king totally took our clothes of unrighteousness away! God totally takes our sin and clothes us in His righteousness. That is grace and mercy all rolled up in one.

What we do with the knowledge of His grace and mercy is crucial. Shouldn’t we become better
people? I would suggest that the answer to that questions is a resounding, “Yes!” But, it is not to secure or prove our salvation, it is a response of love to His radical love. Becoming better people won’t make us any more saved or anymore loved. When we trusted Christ, we were adopted and became His children. We were sealed by the Holy Spirit until the day of Redemption. Nothing we do will ever add to that and nothing we do can diminish that. We can have complete and perfect peace with God, because there is now no condemnation for those in Christ.

However, He has left us here on earth to glorify Him and to reflect our Father's nature to those in
the world. God could have instantly transformed us or taken us to heaven, but He chose not to. It is as we serve each other out of love that He is glorified. It is as our bitterness is transformed into forgiveness that He is glorified. It is as our anger is turned to peace, as our fear gives way to courage, as our selfishness is replaced by gratefulness that we will glorify Him. It is as our judgmental attitude is replaced with graciousness, as our condoning sin is replaced by speaking His Truth in love, and our hatred is replaced with sacrificial love that He is glorified. It is growth, not human perfectionism or remaining in sin that glorifies Him. It is as we are changed and molded into His likeness so that we reflect His character to the world around us that He is glorified.

God did all of the work for our salvation on the cross and is simply drawing us to Himself. He has instructed us to renew our minds with His word and instructed us to love each other. He has exhorted us to serve each other and to examine our hearts so that we can rid ourselves of the sins that entangle us. Is that too much for Him to ask, in light of what He has done for us? Sometimes we mistakenly think it is. We need to remember there is no shame in being human because Christ created us, He knows we are but dust. He knew we were born in a fallen state and we would sin every day and He still chose to die for every sin. Yet, He asks us to pursue Him, His kingdom, and His righteousness so men will see our good deeds and glorify Him. What is the benefit of it all? It is through a day-by-day, moment-by-moment walk with Him that allows us to become more holy and develop a deep intimacy with Him and it is through the intimacy that we experience His love and His power. Too often we forget the most important benefit of knowing God, is God Himself.

Are we basking in His sacrifice, but taking advantage of His grace? Or have we forgotten that His sacrifice was once and for all and trying to earn His "favor" through our lives, depriving ourselves of His peace? Hopefully, our pursuit of holiness is born out of a heart that is truly at peace with its Creator. Hopefully, our pursuit of holiness is born out of a desire to express love for Him and a desire to abide in the presence of His love. Hopefully, our pursuit of holiness is born out of a desire to make Him known through a lifestyle that reflects a heart forever changed by Love. We have been made perfect and we are being made holy; are we fighting the process or joining it?

Prayer: Lord, You are so gracious to have made us perfect forever. You are also gracious in making that holiness a practical reality in this life. Help us to keep our eyes focused on Christ and to never grow tired of growing. Help us to live in such ways that You are glorified in all that we do or say. Amen.

Enemies No More

"Once you were alienated from God and were enemies 

in your minds because of your evil behavior. 

But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through 

death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation."

Colossians 1:21-22

Enemies! That is such a harsh word. But this verse clearly states we were once enemies of God's. In looking back at my own life, I can't remember a time when I didn’t want to know God so I kind of thought these verses referred to everyone but me. After all I hadn’t committed adultery. I hadn't murdered. I hadn't robbed a bank. I had tried not to slander His name. Yet, as I have grown to know God and His word, I've learned He measures things in a different way than I do. Matthew makes it clear that even to indulge in lust in our minds is to commit adultery, to hate is to murder, to covet is to steal, and to think lies about God in my mind is to slander Him. If I measure my righteousness by God’s righteousness, I fall so short, By His standard, I have committed adultery, murder, slander, and theft.

          In our culture of being "politically correct" we've begun to playing down the concept of sin. We white wash it in an effort to make ourselves not seem so sinful or so we do not offend someone else who is practicing sin. It seems like we're living in an angry society that is masked by those claiming people are resilient and should not be tenderhearted. In his book Bold Love, Dr. Dan Allender says, "Sometimes, a small word that is coated with irritation, contempt, haughtiness, or anger can sink deep into our souls and set off a profound series of chain reactions." Think of all the insults students hear throughout their day. Think of all the catty comments women take in at work or the barbs exchanged in a church setting under the guise of joking. Over time, damage is done to our hearts. 

         I didn’t grow up in church and I came to it on my own as a child. I expected it to be different. I expected it to be a place where the kindest people dwelled. Sometimes that has been true. But I have also seen some of the most sarcastic, rude, unkind people there. One of the things the church views as acceptable when it is masked as concern is gossip. Proverbs 26:22 and 17:9 say, "The words of a gossip are like choice morsels' they go down in a man's inmost part…He who covers over an offense promotes love; but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends."

         Why is gossip so evil? Gossip is a hateful act, because it is something we do that springs from our insecurities. When we repeat words it deepens our position of power in our inner circle of friends. It is a hateful act because we are excluding someone else from being part of the group. With our words, we break hearts, kill reputations, destroy ministries, deaden others' passion, and sever friendship. We can harm another when we speak truth to them with out bathing it in prayer, using cutting words that leave no room for discussion, reconciliation, or prayer. Truth should be spoken directly, but shrouded in love and humility. Angry words spoken without a deep desire for reconciliation wounds hearts deeply! When I got overly tired and stressed, I reacted in anger at my own small children. It still causes my heart to cringe when I remember their little faces. I know my words damaged their souls.

We were created needy and when we don't get what we need, we covet and get angry. James 4:2 says "You want something: but you don't get it. You kill and covet." It is easy to recognize lust when it comes in a overt form like sexual sin, but it is much harder to recognize it when it takes on non-sexual forms. To want something so bad we will do anything it takes to get it is lust. It could be money, clothing, cars, position, power, and acceptance. Lust is often the result of trying to alleviate a feeling of emptiness and anger results when we try to fill the emptiness with things that do not really lead to contentment. All it does is produces a never-ending cycle of just wanting more. Discontentment will always take us further away from God and His love, which is really all that can satisfy us.

But, the hope that we have is that God has reconciled us to Himself and we are no longer His enemies. We are His children, joint heirs with Christ. He even says because of what Jesus has done on the cross we are holy, without blemish, and free from accusation.

As we neglect spending time with the Lord we may find ourselves falling back into the patterns of behavior consistent with His enemies. To be honest there are times inwardly that I find my head filled with thoughts of rebellion and wanting to fill my needs my own way, because I want instant gratification. Sadly, I know that turning to the Lord and spending time in His word would help more? Renewing my mind will give me great intimacy with Him. We need to ask ourselves, “Are our emotions dominated by love or insecurity? Are they dominated by selfishness or a giving spirit? Are they dominated by envy or a giving heart? Are they dominated by hatred or by love?” If we become more honest in calling our own sin evil and detestable, we just might be motivated to not play around with it so much. If we were honest about how evil sin is, we would be more prone to cry out to God in desperate need of His power and strength to transform our sinful desires with His holy desires for us.

Prayer: Father, your love is so pure and so deep. It is hard to fathom it with our own sinful hearts that are steeped in inappropriate motives and hearts that have been wounded and have a shroud of protective rage that is ready to erupt…break the cycle with us, Lord. Heal our hurts and help the church become people who are reflective of your love and care. Help us to be different than the world in all that we do and say. Amen.

Divine Heart Transplants

"A new heart also will I give you and a new spirit will I put within you and
I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes,
and you shall keep mine ordinances and do them And you shall dwell in the land
that I gave to your fathers; and you shall be my people, and I will be your God.
I will also save you from all your uncleanness."
Ezekiel 36:26-29

God's grace is so much more than being saved from hell. These words spoken through the prophet, Ezekiel, promise us that God's grace encompasses the removal of a stony heart hardened by sin. It also encompasses the giving of His Spirit to dwell within us to continually purify and cleanse us. I love what He says...

He takes away a stony heart…We no longer have hearts callused by sin, unforgiving attitudes, or self-protective life styles. Nor do we still have hearts hardened by scars covering pain from things done to us. Our hearts are renewed, which means they are now tender, continuously being cleansed, continuously being transformed, and continuously being healed. This is a never ending process in which Christ, Himself, is chiseling away at the hard parts and softening them with His steadfast incomprehensible love. It may be painful as He works, but He will make them beautiful in His time.

God gives us a new heart…In Christ we have a heart transformed by grace. It is a heart that is passionate for the things God's heart is. We have the capacity to love the things He loves and hate the same things He hates. Our new heart is like the one we see in Jesus--strong and bold, yet tender and kind, fully capable of loving unconditionally and sacrificially. With this new heart we find we weep over sin and death, and we get angry over injustice and hatred. We find we have tremendous joy over spring flowers, babies being born, people being born again. We have the potential to invite others to be as real and transparent with us as the disciples were with Christ.

God gives us a new spirit…Our new spirit makes it possible for us to have an intimate relationship with our God. It is a spirit that desires purity and goodness even in the hidden parts of our hearts that no one sees. Our new spirit, like His, is acquainted with brokenness, yet full of praises. It is weak in its humanness, but strong in His Strength. It is a spirit that lets go of the things of this world in order to seek the things of God. It is a spirit empowered by God to live in righteousness, easily convicted by the sin and selfishness that needs to be chipped away.

He has put His Spirit within us…. His Spirit is a "down payment" until the day of redemption. There is no place we can hide from Him or nor is there an escape from His love! When we are hungry for knowledge of Him, He resides within us so He can reveal Himself to us. When we are hurting, He is washing our souls with healing love. When we are grieving, He is comforting. When we are afraid, He is filling us with the courage that helped Jesus face the cross. When we are confused, He is there to counsel us. When we are emotionally drained…He is there to fill our empty tank with love and hope. When everything around us is unstable He is our stability. When the enemy attacks, He is our defender. When we are anxious He is our peace.

He is our God and we are His people…We are totally accepted by God and can bask in a sense of belonging! He has said we are His and it means He has purposed to give us eternal unconditional acceptance and a sense of belonging. There is nothing we can do to earn it or lose it. He has called us beloved, friends, children - rich terms indicative of intimacy! We belong to a family that is becoming what the Heavenly Father meant families to be.

He has cleansed us from our uncleanness…God has forgiven our sins and He will continue to transform our selfish hearts by accomplishing the work He began in us. He will help us live honestly and transparently before Him and others. He will lead us to walk in His righteousness and empower us to become more like Him. God has done all of this out of a Heart motivated by His love to shower us with His GRACE!

Prayer: Father, thank you for taking my hard heart and conforming it into a soft heart with your love. Thank you for healing my hurts and helping me to become bolder in loving others. Thank you for Your complete unconditional acceptance and enabling me to relate to You. Thank You for Your Holy Spirit that enables me to know you and to live for You. Amen

Beautifully Clothed

"I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
And arrayed me in a robe of righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
For as the soil makes the sprout to come up,
and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign Lord will make
righteousness and praise spring up before all the nations."
Isaiah 61:10-11

God's grace never ceases to amaze me. It is early in the morning…before my second cup of coffee, my morning walk, my morning prayers, and my morning shower. Because of that, the truth of being clothed with His beautiful salvation and His beautiful righteousness is a little hard for me to grasp. Especially with the fog that clouds my mind the first hour I am awake. On top of that, I went to bed in need of God's grace and woke up thankful I could clothe myself in it! There is not a day that goes by I don't blurt out an angry word, have a hateful thought I would never want others to know about, or miss an opportunity to share the love of God with someone desperately needing it. There are also times I am aware of needing deeper intimacy with God, but seek relief from the discomfort of my need by turning to other things instead of allowing Him to meet the need. At those times I feel like the ugliness of sin and self-centeredness on the inside is visible to everyone and I want to withdraw from others and flee from God's presence. Amazingly, His love is strong enough and constantly tugs at my heart so I don't give in to those impulses and I embrace the truth that because of Jesus I have been clothed in His righteousness.

Over time I've learned God's love doesn't depend on how I feel. Even when I am at my worst and my own mind is telling me I am unlovable, the Scripture says He loves me and is constantly inviting me into His Holy presence. As I sit and wait in His presence, His ears are turned toward me, inviting me to share my heart with Him in complete transparency. As I pull back the layers of the garbage that are there, He rises up to meet me with His complete mercy and His relentless grace! He reminds me over and over that Christ's blood has covered my sin and my selfishness and He has planted His righteousness in my heart through the Holy Spirit. As I come to Him and lay sin and shame at His feet and voice the pain of deep needs, He meets me there. He causes His righteousness to spring forth from me like a seeds planted in a garden. That righteousness works itself out in a deep passionate love for God and for others. The work He has done on the inside becomes visible and beautiful like the ornaments a bride and groom wear, making me more grateful for His grace! His righteousness working out in my life is more consistent, more humbling, and more beautiful than the righteousness I try to muster up myself. It is in the process of letting the Lord look into the messiness of my heart and cleanse it and heal it that I return to joy and become who God designed me to be. I will rejoice in my Lord and be joyful in my God.

Just think, If you know the Lord, you, too, are clothed in His righteousness like a bride is clothed for her wedding day! It doesn't matter how we feel or what we've done or what we've thought--Christ's blood covers it all. In His grace, God chooses to do beautiful work in us! Let's commit to not hiding who we are, but openly sit at His feet and remember who He is. Let's pour our hearts out to Him, laying our sin, hurt, anger and doubt at His feet. Let's let Him cleanse, heal, and give us His peace and His courage. Let's let Him replace our morning "yucks" and evening "guilt" with adoration and praise for He has clothed us in beauty.

Prayer: Father, thank you for your grace that I need on a daily basis. Thank you for allowing me to lay my sin and my shame at His feet. Thank you for the righteousness you impart to me that springs forth from my innermost being. Please search my heart for anything and everything that dishonors you or hinders my relationship with you from growing deeper. I praise you for you are the Sovereign Lord who will make your righteousness spring up in your people before all the nations. Amen.