A Sports Car Can't do What Marriage Can

"Iron sharpens iron, and one mans sharpens another."

Proverbs 27:17

One night my husband and I were watching TV and a restaurant commercial came on. This company has used sex for several years to sell hamburgers. My husband surprised me by saying rather assertively, "And that is why I never go there!" His statement lead to a fun discussion about commercials and how often they use sexuality to sell goods.

We concluded that companies that use sex to sell, weren't all that creative. It is the easy go to, and in all honesty it probably works. We both realized we prefer humorous commercials, especially ones that contain spunky people in them. We also acknowledged that sentimental commercials usually can also engage and get an, "Awe...." from both of us. I especially have a fondness for Hallmark commercials. It isn't because I necessarily like them. I typically think them a bit mushy, but they were the cheapest pregnancy test on the market when I was having babies. Before I would even know I was pregnant, one of those commercials would come on and I would dissolve into tears. When the tears came, my husband would turn and look at me with big eyes and we both knew it was time to go to the doctor. It happened with every pregnancy. 

We noticed we were partial to commercials that portrayed the life stage we were currently in. As newly weds, commercials that showed engagements, weddings, or honey-mooning couples appealed to us. A few years a coffee company put out a series of commercials about a couple who met over coffee and built a relationship. The series of commercials literally told the couple's love story over time. We both would stop what we were doing to watch those commercials, especially when new ones came out that told more about the story. As we started having kids, commercials with cute kids  made us smile. After all who wouldn't be drawn to dancing kids or toddlers toddling in green socks? Then as our kids were leaving home the commercial we both liked was a coffee commercial in which a sister wakes up early to her big brother coming home for Christmas. They enjoy a quiet moment before mom and dad smell coffee brewing and come running down the stairs. Then when our sons went to war, any commercial with military families in it would tug at our hearts. Now it is the grandchildren and puppy commercials that get our attention. 

I have thought a lot about the science of making commercials.  I am not against commercials. They serve a purpose. Some are even informative and some remind me I need to write something on the grocery list, and some help me decide to try a new product when I am not happy with one I use. 

On the other hand, there are many commercial that are misleading or full of lies. The people who create commercials want to make commercials that appeal to our senses, our emotions, or our desires. As a believer I was struck that the tactics they use are similar to the tactics of the Enemy listed in 1 John 2:16--the desires of the flesh, the desires of the eyes, and the pride of life. It didn't really surprise me in that we are ambassadors living in a world system in which the Enemy is very active. Maybe, just maybe we could categorize commercial by these tactics and become wiser consumers. 

Recently I saw a commercial that evoked a strong angry response from me and it wasn't even a commercial using sex. It was a car commercial that started out like the sentimental commercials that I like. It showed all the cars a couple bought over the years for the different life stages they were in. Towards the end of the commercial the dad handed his car keys over to his daughter and she pulled out of the driveway. The camera then switched over to the dad pulling out of the garage in a little sports car with the commentator saying, "And the car that reminds you of you when you were you."

I admit they initially sucked me in, as we had to change cars several times as our family grew. I admit I even lit up when I saw the sports car. I have wanted a red convertible every since I was fifteen. In my mind, I pictured my hair blowing, the warm sun on my face, loud praise music playing as I sped over mountain curves. But I got married and we chose to put my husband through six years of graduate school. Then had five kids. A sports care wasn't financially feasible on a graduate students salary or impractical for a large family. And the reality is I have PTSD and being in any car, much less a sports car with wind in my face isn't really fun for me. Not getting the sports car I had dreamed about isn't what made me angry at the commercial. It was the lie that is in embedded in the comment that was made as the man drove off.

For you see, as a math major I could have gone on to graduate school and made quite a bit of money and gotten that little red sports car I wanted. But I chose marriage and marriage didn't make me less me. In fact, marriage brought out the best of me and the worst of me. It brought out in me a heart full of compassion and love for a man who had a very difficult childhood and who was told he wouldn't amount to much. Yet we got through his graduate schooling together and he graduated as Dr. Daddy, partly because I believed in him. Whenever we hit rough spots in our marriage I look at his childhood pictures and remind myself that I am married to that cute little guy in coveralls and my pride melts and my love grows.

Being married exposed the ugly selfishness residing in my heart and my tendency to be self-centered. We both had to learn a lot about compromise and setting goals together. We had to learn to look at ourselves when conflict arose, because the other wasn't capable of making us angry, it was his selfishness bumping against my selfishness that did that. Nope, neither of us became less of ourselves, we became better selves because of what our relationship exposed and the lessons we learned from that exposure. I learned that a soft answer could truly turn away wrath, that love covered a multitude of sins, that grace is experienced the most in intimate relationships, and that some of the best confrontations are gentle ones. Marriage was "iron sharpening iron" God talks about in His word! And believe me, I needed that process badly!

By the time kids came along, I thought we had grown quite a bit and life would be smooth sailing. I was mistaken. I found having five kids did the same thing marriage did--it brought out the best in me and exposed the worst parts of me. I never felt more like who I was supposed to me than when I was pregnant and carried a moving being inside. I would sit for hours and watch the movements and connect with feet and fists. I have never been able to find words to describe how full of love my heart was and is when it comes to my kids (and my grandkids.) That love gave me what I needed to get up all night with crying kids, wipe snotty noses, clean stinky bottoms, wash away blood from wounds, scrub dirty bathrooms when little guys missed the pot, cook countless dinners, wash sink loads of dishes, wash and fold mountains of laundry, pray over sick children, referee squabbles, listen to endless chatter, hold kids with ear aches and asthma all night, and sit by a hospital bed for two weeks,

waiting for our son to heal. 

But it also brought out the worst in me. The time that a knick knack got broken and brought out my wrath. The times the angry voice came out of my mouth and lectured kids who couldn't even process all the words I thought I needed to say. The times I asked the kids how their day at school went, only to realize when I pulled into the drive way that I had tuned them out and not heard a word they said. The banquets I missed as I isolated myself during the battle with an eating disorder. Believe me, I could go on and on and on. Having kids didn't make me less me. It just exposed the ugly parts of me that needed to be transformed. It exposed the immature parts of me that needed to grow up. Being a mom did not make me less of me, it made me more of who God created me to be. Having a sports car earlier in life would not have helped me be more of me. Having sports car now would not make me more me! A sports car could not do for me what being married and having children did. I confess I needed the iron sharpening iron of relationships to grow and become a better me and I needed all the grace I got in that process.

The line in the commercial bothered me because our society is plagued by broken families. The kinds of statements in that commercial appeal to our pride and resemble the temptation in the garden that implies so subtly that something is missing if we don't have something. In my eyes, there is nothing more manly than a married man loving his wife with his words, actions, and sacrifice. There is nothing more manly than a man playing with his children, praying faithfully for them, disciplining them with love, and giving grace when needed. There is nothing more manly than a man who is worn out and feeling inadequate who wants to leave, but chooses to stay. And there is nothing more manly than a man who gives up the dream of a sports car to raise a family. 

Likewise, there is nothing more beautiful than a wife who respects her man. There is nothing more beautiful than a mom feeding a baby from her own body. There is nothing more beautiful than a mom rocking a sick toddler through the night. There is nothing more beautiful than a mom taking her son on a dinner date or dancing in the kitchen as if no one is watching. There is nothing more beautiful than a mom graciously cleaning up milk spilt by two brothers proving strength in an arm wrestling match. There is nothing more beautiful than a mom hugging a child who was dumped by the boy or girl who didn't deserve them any way. There is nothing more beautiful than a worn out mom who is tempted to run from the chaos of family, choosing to stay. Nothing! 

We would do well to remember that is the stuff that real men and women are made of. They push through the hard, through the fear, and through the selfishness to embrace the iron sharpening iron process. I am, I have always been, and I will always be fully me! 

Take note car company: You might have sucked me in had you not ended the commercial on that note!

Oh, Those Refining Relationships

"Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another."

Proverbs 27:17

I had the joy of spending three weeks with my granddaughter in Washington. She is delightful, smart, and very tenderhearted. She told me about a close friend whose parent's are getting divorced. I listened and asked questions, giving her a chance to verbalize the emotions she is experiencing for her friend. She, of course, was sad for reasons she explained quite well for a nine year old. I told her I was sad for the same reasons, but that I was mostly sad because I believe relationships are a tool God uses to help people become the best people they can be. I know some divorces are inevitable, but often when people give up on relationships they don't always become better people.  

I wasn't sure she understood, but later in the week she shared about a classmate who is struggling in all of her relationships. She tends to bully, starts fights, and lies to teachers to get others into trouble. She's been advised by her parents and teacher on how to handle the situation so I simply reminded her not everyone will like her and that doesn't mean she is a bad person. I encouraged her to follow the advice she had been given and asked her what she would like to do in this hard situation. Very thoughtfully she said, "I think I want to become the best Katie I can be." I was so proud she understood the connection between the difficult relationship with which she was faced and the refining process it could bring about if she practiced choosing to be true to the person she wants to be. It won't be easy, especially in the face of bullying, false accusations, and hurtful behavior and they may never become friends, but she can still grow to be the best Katie possible by how she chooses to respond.   

Our discussion left me doing a lot of reflection on God's refining process. Sometimes it comes through trials and tribulations like illnesses, financial stresses, and natural disasters, However, most often the refining takes place in relationships. The people God uses in our lives may be authority figures, acquaintances, close friends, or family members. They may be enemies--the overt ones, the subtle ones, and the passive ones. Any person God has places in our lives, no matter how brief or how long, can be used by God to sharpen us.

Some refining relationships that I have had were easy and fun relationships. They were mutually enjoyable and had minimal conflict. In most of those the people were encouraging people who spoke God's truth into my life, helping me tear down strongholds that were a result of lies I had grown to believe. They helped me identify those lies and then repeatedly spoke His truth until I could own it as my own. These relationships allowed me to experience love that was unconditional, patient, and kind which is the love God pours out on us. That experience of love broke down strongholds that kept believing I was unloved and unloveable, which has changed drastically how I live.     

Some refining relationships I have had were very hard. Some were riddled with conflict that stirred up fears I didn't want to face. These fears included the fear of anger, both mine and that of others. The fear of my anger came out of my fear of the sinful behaviors and ugly thoughts that often arise out of unresolved anger. The fear of other's anger flowed out of a desire to avoid their harsh words or actions that deeply wound. It also included the fear of being rejected, keeping me from confronting when God called me to confront and causing me not to be true to myself. It included the fear of being totally unloved and alone, which led to ugly codependent and clingy behaviors. It included the fear of having others find out how perfectly imperfect I am. These fears sometimes drove defensive behaviors, making me quick tempered. Sometimes they came out as self-protective behaviors which caused me to withdraw, closing my heart off from those who wanted to know it. Sometimes the fears silenced me, causing me to become invisible. Essentially the fears hindered my ability to love well.

Some of the hard relationships exposed my sin and I hated that. I wanted others to think well of me, and most of all I wanted to think well of myself. But some of the difficult relationships exposed unresolved anger, impatience, frustration, unbelief, and insecurities. Some of the the relationships exposed selfishness that made me care more about a slight than another person's heart. Some of the relationships exposed pride and a demanding attitude that flowed from the pride that made it hard for others to hear the needs, desires, and wants I poorly and angrily expressed.

Some of the hard relationships were difficult because others didn't know how to love any better than I did. That often drove me to do everything I could earn love that they were incapable of giving, which was exhausting and left me feeling frustrated and alone. God used those relationships to teach me to be be satisfied in Christ's perfect love and to learn to focus on demonstrating love instead of trying to get it from people who didn't have it to give. 

Many years ago I told our pastor that I could be really good and sin a lot less if I could live alone. But, with four kids under the age of five at the time, being alone wasn't possible. Luckily the wise silver haired pastor smiled and told me relationships were the tool God most often used to refine us and He would never be through refining this side of heaven. Over time it became more obvious to me that the sin residing in me wasn't caused by others, it was merely being exposed and that in itself isn't a bad thing. It is good because it is proof that God is working in me. As I began to grow in an understanding of God's love, grace, and sanctification, I became more accepting of refining relationships and my humanity. I quit wanting to run from the hard of the relationships I had.   

From those refining relationships, the ugly and judgmental thoughts about others reveal more about my heart than it does their's. I can choose to either deal with my heart and become more gracious and loving or I can stay judgmental and grow more ugly and judgmental. The defensive words that sometimes erupt from this mouth reveal old wounds that need healing or lies I believe that need to be taken captive with His truth. I can either choose to do that business or I can grow more defensive and hot-headed. The ugliness that occurs in my relationships exposes my selfishness and my lack of skills in communicating. I can either choose to deal with my selfish heart and humbly learn communication skills that help me speak in loving ways or I can choose to nurse hurt and grow angrier, more disagreeable and become a pro at demanding. 

The refining processes has taught me it isn't all about me, while at the same time is is all about me. By that I mean another person's words, behavior, and attitude is about their heart and their relationship to God, not me. However, God desires for me to care about their heart instead of personalizing their behavior. He often desires to use me to invite them back to the truth so they can know His heart. It is about me in that the emotions that surface, the words that can lie on the tip of my tongue, and the attitude writing itself on my face in response to another is mine to own. It is an opportunity to choose to be refined or not.  

           

Even my relationship with Jesus is a refining relationship. There were times He hasn't answered prayers my way, exposing a lack of trust on my part. There were times I was hurting and He remained silent. At first I believed I wasn't being seen or heard by Him, but learned His silences ware an invitation to keep pouring my heart out to Him until the sin, the unbelief, and the pain were drained, allowing His truth to sink deeper and my intimacy with Him to grow as my deepest heart needs were covered by His love and His grace. I've learned the only way out of the painful shame I bore was to accept both my humanity and His deity. This allowed me to walk through the heat of the shame of imperfection as He continually covers me with His blood and cools the shame with His acceptance.  

The refining God has done with me has helped my faith grow and I'm confident of my relationship with Him, of His love, of His grace, and of the goodness of His plans for my life. The refining He has done has removed toxic shame and helped me learn to walk in the truth of who He is and who He says I am because of what Christ has done on the cross. The refining has helped me come to understand that this life isn't about me getting everything I want, but about me resting in His love and learning to love well. 

Oh, those refining relationships...they can be hard. But they are the tool that God uses to whittle away at all that is not holy and all that keeps us from bearing His image. It is those refining relationships that allow His glory to shine through these cracked earthen vessels that we are to a world that desperately needs Him. 

Sports Cars can't Hone

"Iron sharpens iron, and one mans sharpens another."

Proverbs 27:17

The other night my husband and I were watching TV and a restaurant commercial came on. This company has used sex for several years to sell hamburgers. My husband surprised me by saying rather assertively, "And that is why I never go there!" His statement lead to a fun discussion about commercials.

We both agreed that companies that use sex to sell, aren't very creative. It is the easy go to, and probably works. We both admitted to liking humorous commercials, especially ones that contain spunky people in them. We also acknowledged that sentimental commercials usually keep us engaged and get an, "Awe...." from both of us. On a side note, I especially have a fondness for Hallmark commercials. It isn't because I necessarily like them. I typically think them a bit mushy, but they were the best pregnancy test on the market when I was having my babies. Before I would even know I was pregnant one of those commercials would come on TV and I would dissolve into tears. When the tears came, my husband would turn and look at me with big eyes and I would know, it was time to buy a pregnancy test. Every time it happened I was pregnant
.
We noticed that over the years we liked commercials that portrayed the life stage we were currently in. As newly weds, commercials that showed engagements, weddings, or honey mooning couples appealed to us. A few years into marriage a coffee company put out a series of commercials about a couple who met over coffee and built a relationship. The series of commercials told the couple's love story over time. We both would stop what we were doing to watch those commercials when new ones came out. As we started having kids, commercials with cute kids  in them made us smile. After all who wouldn't be drawn to dancing kids or toddlers toddling in green socks? Then as our kids were leaving home the one commercial we both liked was a coffee commercial. A sister wakes up early to her big brother coming home for Christmas. They enjoy a quiet moment before mom and dad smell the coffee and come running down. Then when our sons went to war, any commercial with military families in it would tug on our hearts. Now it is the grandchildren and puppy commercials drawing our attention. 

After the conversation with my husband, I have been thinking about the science commercial making.  I am not against commercials. They serve a purpose in our economic world. Some are informative, some remind me I need to write something on the grocery list, and some help me decide to try a new product when I am not happy with one I am using. We also all know that many commercial are very misleading or full of lies.

The people who create commercials will make commercials that appeal to our senses, our emotions, or our desires. As a believer I was struck that the tactics they use are similar to the tactics of the Enemy listed in 1 John 2:16--the desires of the flesh, the desires of the eyes, and the pride of life. It didn't really surprise me in that we are ambassadors living in a world system in which the Enemy is very active. I think we could categorize commercial by these tactics and become wiser consumers. 

Recently I saw a commercial that evoked a strong angry response from me and it wasn't even a commercial using sex to sell. It was a car commercial that started out like the sentimental commercials I like. It showed all the cars a couple bought over the years for the different life stages they were in. Towards the end of the commercial the dad handed his car keys over to his daughter and she pulled out of the driveway. The camera then switched over to the dad pulling out of the garage in a little sports car with the commentator saying, "And the car that reminds you of you when you were you."

I admit they initially sucked me in, as we had to change cars several times as our family grew large. I even admit I initially lit up when I saw the sports car. I have wanted a red convertible sports car every since I was fifteen. In my mind, I pictured my hair blowing, the warm sun on my face, loud praise music playing as I sped over mountain curves. But I got married and we chose to put my husband through six years of graduate school. Then came five kids. A sports care wasn't financially feasible on a graduate students salary or very practical for a large family. And the reality is with a mild case of PTSD being in any car, much less a sports car with wind in my face isn't really fun for me. Not ever getting the sports car isn't what made me angry at the commercial; it was the lie that is in embedded in the comment that was made as the man drove off.

For you see, as a math major I could have gone on to graduate school and made quite a bit of money and gotten that little red sports car I thought I wanted at the time. But I chose marriage and marriage didn't make me less me. In fact, marriage brought out the best of me and the worst of me. It brought out in me a heart full of compassion and love for a man who had a very difficult childhood and who was told he wouldn't amount to much. Yet we got through school together and he graduated as Dr. Daddy, partly because I believed in him. When ever we hit rough spots in our marriage I look at his childhood pictures and remind myself that I am married to that cute little guy in coveralls and my pride melts and my love grows.

Being married exposed the ugly selfishness residing in my heart and my tendency to be self-centered. We both had to learn a lot about compromise and learning to set goals together. We had to learn to look at ourselves when conflict arose, because the other wasn't capable of making us angry, it was his selfishness bumping against my selfishness that did that. Nope, neither of us became less of ourselves, we became better selves because of what our relationship exposed and the lessons we learned from that exposure. I learned that a soft answer could truly turn away wrath, that love covered a multitude of sins, that grace is experienced the most in intimate relationships, and that some of the best confrontations are gentle ones. Marriage was that iron sharpening iron that God talks about in His word! I needed it badly!

By the time kids came along, I thought we had grown quite a bit and life would be smooth sailing. I was mistaken. I found having five kids did the same thing marriage did--it brought out the best in me and exposed the worst parts of me. I never felt more like who I was supposed to me than when I was pregnant and carried a moving being inside. I would sit for hours and watch the movements and connect with feet and fists. I have never been able to find words to describe how full of love my heart was and is when it comes to my kids (and my grandkids.) That love gave me what I needed to get up all night with crying kids, wipe snotty noses, clean stinky bottoms, wash away blood from wounds, scrub dirty bathrooms when little guys missed the pot, cook countless dinners, wash sink loads of dishes, wash and fold mountains of laundry, pray over sick children, referee squabbles, listen to endless chatter, hold kids with ear aches and asthma all night, and sit by a hospital bed for two weeks,

But it also brought out the worst in me. The time that a knick knack got broken and brought out my wrath. The times the angry voice came out of my mouth and lectured kids who couldn't even process all those words I thought I needed to say, The times I asked the kids how their day at school went and realized when I pulled into the drive way that I had tuned them out as they told me. The banquets I missed as I isolated myself due in the midst of an eating disorder. Believe me, I could go on and on and on. Having kids didn't make me less me. It exposed the ugly parts of me that needed to be transformed. It exposed the immature parts of me that needed to grow. Being a mom did not make me less of me, it made me more of who God created me to be. Having a sports car earlier in life would not have helped me be more of me. Having sports car now would not make me more me! A sports car could not do for me what being married and having children did. I confess I needed the iron sharpening iron of relationships to grow and become a better me and I needed all the grace I could get in that process.

The line in the commercial bothered me because our society is plagued by broken families. The kinds of statements in that commercial appeal to our pride and resemble the temptation in the garden that implies so subtly that something is missing if we don't have something. In my eyes, there is nothing more manly than a married man loving his wife with his words, his actions, and his sacrifice. There is nothing more manly than a man playing with his children, praying faithfully for them, disciplining them with love, and giving grace when they need it most. There is nothing more manly than a man who is worn out and feeling inadequate who wants to leave, but chooses to stay. And there is nothing more beautiful than a wife who respects her man. There is nothing more beautiful than a mom feeding a baby from her body. There is nothing more beautiful than a mom rocking a sick toddler all night long. There is nothing more beautiful than a mom taking her son on a dinner date. There is nothing more beautiful than a mom dancing with her daughter as if no one is watching. There is nothing more beautiful than a mom graciously cleaning up milk spilt by two brothers proving strength in an arm wrestling match. There is nothing more beautiful than a mom hugging a child who was dumped by the boy or girl who didn't deserve them any way. There is nothing more beautiful than a worn out mom who is tempted to run from the chaos of family, choosing to stay. Nothing! That is the stuff that real men and women are made of. They push through fear and selfishness and embrace the iron sharpening iron process. I am, I have always been, and I will always be fully me!

Take note car company. You might have sucked me in had you not ended the commercial on that note!