When Christmas Leaves You Longing For Home

 I have had the privilege of serving in a support group ministry and have met some amazing ladies over the years. One year I had several younger women who had grown up in extremely dysfunctional and abusive homes. They quickly bonded because they each had difficult stories and could relate to the pain the others had suffered. They could also relate to the struggles each faced as they worked to find freedom from their pasts. They worked hard to find healing and to become the women God created them to be. 

They were wise and set strict, healthy boundaries with families of origin. The boundaries were needed for them to grow and heal. But sometimes those boundaries felt both hard and lonely. That year when Christmas was approaching, one of the young ladies remarked that she was really missing her family. One of them sighed and responded wistfully, "Yeah, I miss the family I made up in my head, too!" They looked at each other and laughed because of the profound words that hung in the air. With their permission, I often share this part of their story as holidays approach, because it is true for many of us. 

Holidays can be fun and be very hard at the same time. They can be difficult when we have had to separate ourselves from abusive families to stay safe and long for healthy loving families. Holidays can also be difficult when we don't have to separate for safety's sake as anxiety rises around holiday preparations coupled with the dread of conflicts that can ignite when extended families rub shoulders. The shared history that sometimes bonds us also leaves us vulnerable with the knowledge of how to push each other's emotional buttons. Holidays can be hard when tongues are loosed when alcohol flows freely.  

Holidays can be hard because we find ourselves grieving over loved ones we have lost. Those loved ones may have been the ones who made the holidays special for us--the child, the soldier, the mom, the dad, the grandparents, or the friend gone too soon. Their empty place stirs an ache in the heart that we try to cover with a smile. 

Holidays can be hard because of grief that we experience over unfulfilled dreams. These dreams can be exposed by the questions we are asked. They can also be exposed by simply being around others whose dreams were fulfilled--dreams of a baby longed for but never had, dreams of specific jobs that went to a less-deserving coworker, dreams of a spouse that hasn't materialized, dreams of an intact marriage that dissolved into a heap of pain, or the dream house we can't afford due to a failing economy. Or grief over the family we can't see due to covid quarantines. 

Holidays can be hard due to illnesses that can't be healed and pain that makes it hard to be around people we don't want to burden. It can be because of mental illnesses and the unpredictability of another's actions or even our own depression that is a dark fog continually trying to crowd out joy and light. They can be hard because of eating disorders that trigger anxiety when gatherings are planned around food. 

And, holidays can be hard when the family puts pressure on us to do away with preset boundaries that we put in place to protect our families, our recoveries, our healing journey, and ourselves.    

So, how do we navigate the holidays in a healthy way? First, we begin by going into the holiday season with eyes wide open. There are no perfect families and their will never be a perfect Christmas. We can enjoy Christmas more when we let go of expectations and the made-up families living in our heads and accept our families as they are. Isn't that acceptance something we, ourselves, long for as well? 

Second, we can commit to treating others with respect while we practice good self-care by getting plenty of rest, drinking water, eating somewhat healthy, and using our voice to request what we desire and what we need. 

Third, we can refuse to take every word, action, or attitude personally because those things are about others' hearts not ours. We can take quiet moments alone to breathe, to grieve, or to regroup as we need it. 

Fourth, we can give thanks for the good moments and learn from the bad, knowing that one doesn't cancel the other out. We can make sure we extend grace to others as well as to ourselves. 

Fifth, we can own our mistakes, apologizing and making amends when needed. We can keep short accounts and forgive quickly. Those of us who are overwhelmed introverts can refuse to compare ourselves to extroverts and focus on one person at a time, fostering meaningful conversations and maybe looking for the one who looks as lost as we feel.   

Sixth, we can remember we have a Savior who cares and wants us to take our grief, our fear, our hurt, and our dreams to Him. If anyone understands dysfunctional families He does. Just look at the people who were in His family line. Abraham, who though he was commended for his faith, lied about Sarah being his wife. Jacob weaved a mighty mess with his wives and concubines and the favoritism he showed to one son over eleven others. Naomi the widow became so bitter after the loss of her husband that she changed her name to Mara. David, the man after God's own heart messed up his family by abusing Bathsheba and murdering her husband. He ended up with a son who raped his daughter and chose to do nothing about it. Jesus' brothers thought He was insane. 

Oh, Jesus' family line had its sin, its secrets, and its dysfunction. So, He gets ours. This was proved by the way He treated those around Him. He was full of compassion for the woman caught in adultery who was thrust at his feet. He was full of compassion for the woman at the well who had been married five times and then lived with a man in sin. He was full of compassion for the ill, the blind, the deaf, and the crippled. He fed both those who were hungry, both physically and spiritually. He allowed Mary and Martha to vent their grief and stood at the grave of Lazarus and wept with them before He called him to come out. Our Jesus cares. 

Seventh, we can enter the holidays confident that we have been given a new Heritage through Christ. The pain of our past, the dysfunction of our families, the failure of our Christmases to be perfect don't define us. Jesus, His love and His sacrifice, do. He calls us beloved, chosen, blessed, forgiven, children, and friends. 

As I reflect on past Christmases, one of my most pleasant memories is of when my children were teenagers. They got up early as they always had and opened gifts and then all fell asleep watching a Christmas movie. I looked around at my sleeping family and picked up my Bible and read the Christmas story again. I felt overwhelmed by His love, experiencing a heart connection with Him that gave me peace and joy. That joy and that sense of belonging was because I truly felt at home in Him. That sweet moment prepared me for future losses and changes that life brings about in families. But I also realize it fulfilled one of my deepest longings--to finally feel at home somewhere--the somewhere just happened to be a Someone and that Someone is Jesus. 

Suffering Well--Hope for the Homesick

When we first got married we moved to Mississippi so my husband could go to graduate school. While there we joined a church that was gifted with excellent teachers and loving friends. I felt more at home there than any place I've lived. Eight years later we moved away and I've adapted and had a lot of joyful experiences, but there has always remained a tinge of homesickness for my former church. When I read Daniel, I can't help but wonder if he experienced that same feeling I do.

Daniel and his young friends loved God and were committed to following hard after Him when King Nebuchadnezzar besieged Jerusalem and took them captive because they were among the healthiest, brightest, best looking, and wisest young men in Israel. The king commanded the men to be taken to Babylon where he changed their names, and ordered them to learn a new language and the ways of the Chaldeans.

I can't imagine being a captive and having my name changed. It would be like having someone try to wipe out my identity, my heritage, and my past experiences. Nor can I imagine what it felt like being taught about false gods and being expected to embrace them. This kind of indoctrination indicated that there wasn't plan for the young men to ever return home. It was a wise plan for a king, but a hard plan for the captives. In an effort to win the young men over, he ordered them to be housed in the palace and served from his own rich foods. But Daniel didn't want to be defiled by palace foods and requested the Jewish menu with which he has been raised. It was an important step, because the dietary laws were closely tied to worship and Daniel was subtly taking a stand and clinging to His God.

Daniel was made a ruler over a province when he interpreted a dream for the king and he placed three of his friends in leadership positions, stirring jealousy in the hearts of the locals. When the king made a statue to be worshiped, the Chaldeans  saw their chance to turn the king against Daniel's friends who refused to bow to the statue. The Chaldeans and told the king they wouldn't bow. The king became enraged and ordered Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego to be brought to him. He threatened to make them fuel for a hot furnace and they still refused to bow so they were bound and cast in a furnace so hot it killed the guards throwing them in. But when the king gazed into the furnace He saw four men very much alive standing in the flames. In awe, he called the men out and gave glory to God who had stood with them, forbidding anyone to speak evil of their God.

When Darius came to power, the Chaldeans saw an opportunity to get rid of Daniel. Because they had seen Daniel praying, they asked the king to forbid people to petition anyone but Darius for a period of time. Faithful Daniel did as Daniel always did. He prayed to His God and as a consequence spent the night in a lions' den. When the king returned, he found Daniel unscathed and ordered the nation to fear Daniel's God.

Daniel and his three friends faced their suffering courageously and remained faithful to God despite their captivity and mistreatment. Their faith-life was so noticeably different that it irritated some and intrigued others. The young Jews stood strong in the face of persecution. We must remember, as humans, Shadrach, Mesheck, and Abednego didn't know if they were going to be burned or saved and Daniel didn't know if he would be eaten or or protected, but they chose to remain faithful to God.

Daniel 9 shares one of Daniel's prayers. It shows where his heart is in regard to God and the long captivity he endured. I am summarizing the prayer as I want to learn from it and I believe its appropriate for our time: "O Lord, you are great and awesome! You keep your covenants and love with a steadfast love. We've sinned, acted rebelliously, and turned aside from your commandments. We've not listened to the prophets who spoke in your name. Lord, to you belongs righteousness, but to us open shame because of the treachery we've committed against you. To you belongs mercy and forgiveness, for we have rebelled against you. Because we transgressed your law and refused to obey your voice, the curse and oath written in the Law have been poured out upon us. You confirmed your words, which you spoke against us, by bringing upon us a great calamity, yet we have not entreated your favor by turning from our iniquities and gaining insight into your truth. Because of this you have kept the calamity upon us, for you are righteous in all your works. You brought your people out of Egypt with a mighty hand, and made your name great, but we've done wickedly. Lord, according to your righteous acts, let your anger and wrath turn away from Jerusalem. Because of our sins and iniquities of our fathers. Jerusalem and your people have become a byword among those around us. Please, God, listen to my prayer for mercy, and for your own sake, Lord, make your face shine upon your sanctuary. God, incline your ear and open your eyes to see our desolation. We don't plea because of our righteousness, but because of your great mercy. Lord, forgive, pay attention, and act, because your city and your people are called by your name." 

There are several lessons we can learn from Daniel and his friends. When given the choice of to obey man and live or obey God and die these men chose obedience, making it clear they trusted God and His plan for them. They didn't have foreknowledge; they simply knew and trusted their God. They didn't see captivity as an abandonment by God and chose to draw near to Him during it. Daniel's prayer showed us God was faithful and true to His word. He also came to realize that captivity wasn't due to a flaw in God's character, but a sin problem with Israel who lived in open rebellion at the time. Even though Daniel was obedient and faithful, he identified with the sin of his people and he humbly confessed it to God and pleaded for mercy on their behalf. As a faithful person, Daniel didn't show a sense of entitlement and demand justice for himself, Instead, he prayed for the restoration of Israel because she bore God's name and he wanted God's name to be magnified, not mocked.

When we face hardship, the enemy wants us to believe we're abandoned by God. When we're obeying and trusting, we may believe we are entitled to a life of ease. Oh, how we often forget we live in a country where babies are daily slaughtered, where families are disconnected from each other, where sexual integrity is challenged on every front, where gain is obtained through dishonest means, where more humans beings are being trafficked than ever before, and where the church has allowed itself to be more influenced by the world than the Word. If we are honest, we will admit we live in a culture not much different than Daniel's and many people who claim to be believers have resorted to bullying, shaming, and rejecting instead of loving and sharing the gospel of grace. I want so bad for us to be "Daniels" who look at the suffering and persecution beginning to happen as an invitation to return to the heart of our great God. I would hope we let suffering humble us and that we would begin to pray fervently, not for an end to our suffering, but for the suffering to do its godly work in us, in our churches, and in our nation. Suffering is never just about us, it is about a family,communities, churches, and countries and through suffering we know God is calling His people to trust Him and display His grace as never before. Whatever God has in store for us as a nation and whatever we endure, we will be blessed if we trust Him and respond to the calling to be intercessors and faithfully confess the sins of our families, our churches, our communities, and our nations. We tend to talk about "they" instead of realizing we have a shared identity with the "they" who carry out atrocities that bring on all of our heads great shame.

Daniel's prayer showed, as aged man, he still had a heart for his original 'home" much like I do for my Mississippi home. But as ambassadors of our great King, maybe the suffering and discontentment we feel living in a Godless nation will be used to draw our hearts and minds to our heavenly home so the prayers we pray will be from an eternal perspective instead of earthly, fleshly perspective that wants easy and wants safe.  In God, there is always hope for the homesick heart! In God, there is always peace and purpose to be found in the suffering.

Homesick

"All these people were still living by faith when they died. 

They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them 

and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that 

they were aliens and strangers on earth…they were longing 

for a better country--a heavenly one. Therefore, God is not 

ashamed to be called their God".

Hebrews 11:13, 16

Have you ever thought you understood what faith is only to face something difficult or read something that leaves you trying to redefine it? Having grown up without solid discipleship, I realized I have had some misconceptions about Christianity and the role faith plays in it. For a while I thought faith was a feeling I had to muster up to get God to act in the way I thought He should act. However, He has shown me I cannot force Him into a mold or manipulate Him with prayer. Today I would define faith as a choice of taking God at His word and choosing to cling to Him no matter what happens from my perspective. When life is confusing, faith is choosing to believe He is still forever sovereign. When I am weak, it is choosing to believe He is my strength. When I feel forgotten, it is choosing to believe that He has His ears turned toward me. When I feel unloved, it is choosing to believe He passionately and radically loves me.

My main misconception of the Christian life was that once I trusted Christ that everything would always be easy. However, Hebrews 11 really makes it clear that is not true. The above verses say even though the people were still living by faith when they died, they did not receive the things promised. However, the reason for their joy is in the next phrases. They saw the promises of God and they welcomed them from a distance and embraced the fact that they were longing for a better country, a heavenly home. What does it mean that they "welcomed them from afar?" It meant they were anticipating Christ's return and preparing to welcome Him in the same way a pregnant mom and dad prepares to welcome a new baby into their hearts before she arrives. During my first pregnancy I was consumed with thoughts of seeing my baby for the first time. I dreamed of what seeing him for the first time would be like. I dreamed about nursing him and holding him close to my heart. The whole nine months my heart was focused on him. Even when I read the Bible, I was searching for how to be a good mom and how to raise Godly children. We are to live with that same kind of expectation for Jesus--deriving joy because we know His promises are true and He is truly coming back. We are to live with such a deep longing for intimacy with Him that we focus on His return. We can relate to Him now through Bible study and prayer. However, in the future we will see Him face to face and be able to touch His love-scarred hands. We will look into His eyes and see the tenderhearted compassion He has towards us. We will see the complete forgiveness and acceptance that He has told us about in His word.

Secondly, the people in Hebrews 11 longed for a better home. They knew a place where they would be no sin, no fear, and no tears was coming! And, in their maturity they recognized some promises would not be fulfilled until they had passed into the next phase of their lives. They knew they had to live with the painful longings of face-to-face fellowship with Christ as He gives us glimpses of Himself satisfying momentarily our thirst for intimacy in this life so that we long for the true richness of that eternally when we will get to heaven. Sometimes our longing to have deep intimacy with God will leave us lonelier than before we were saved. The difference now is that we know without a doubt we will someday be filled once and for all. 

The more our minds are focused on God, the clearer it becomes that this world is not our home. We will never again feel like we "fit in" like we did before we became believers. We have a different Father and speak a different language. We have a different purpose for living. Our desires and our dreams have changed. God has created in us a deep longing for heaven--an unquenchable homesickness that won't be relieved in this life. I have had a few bouts of homesickness that literally made me sick. First when I went away to college, then when my fiancé was working in another state the summer we were planning our wedding and then the third time was when we moved from Mississippi. I have not experienced anything that was as painful as those three periods of time…my heart literally ached deep inside and nothing eased the hurt. What I am trying to convey is that faith is a wonderful and yet often uncomfortable experience. While we now have peace with God we also have a new set of emotions to experience. Feelings of alienation that sometimes accompany a sense of being accepted by God and not belonging to this world. Feelings of homesickness for Jesus face-to-face. We may experience the joy of knowing He is present in our lives, while at the same time painfully long to be with Him. With the new sense of purpose we also have a deeper emptiness that will only be filled when we are face to face with Christ.

Do you long to be face to face with Christ? Do you find yourself at times empty and sad because you long for a relationship with Him that is not marred by sin, separated by time, and His invisibility? Do you feel like an alien in this world and long for place to truly call home?

Prayer: Lord, please help each of us to trust you in the tough times as well as the good. Help us to set aside misconceptions about you and get to know you through your word. Help us to realize you truly are a person not a puppet we control by our "faith." Help us reflect you so much that we truly look like aliens living in a foreign land to the world. Please fill us so that we live boldly for you while we long for nothing but You. Thank you for your promises because they are true and sure. Amen.