Several years ago, I was involved in a ministry that asked me to
write for them. At the time, the ministry had a gal in it who had a
communications background. She and I sat down and went over some things I wrote
and she pointed out some things I did. For example, when I started a note of
appreciation with something like, I just
want to tell you..., it sounded like I wanted to tell someone something,
but may or may not tell them. I also used words like that, just, and really repetitively. In addition, I
often softened my opinions and thoughts with the words, I feel...., when in actuality what I was saying wasn't a feeling at
all. It was a thought or an opinion I was afraid to own.
After I entered counseling, I realized I used words in ways that
influenced my feelings and belied the fact that I had personal power and could
make personal choices that would help me develop a happier state of mind. Some
of the words I used often were, I have to,
I can't...., or I must. I learned to reframe those kinds of phrases with phrases
that expressed the choices I did have and found I felt more powerful and less
stressed. I realized I could fully own the decisions I made and I felt more
content with them. So, over time, I must
became I desire to or I want to. I can't became I won't. I have to became my goal (desire) is to.
A couple of years ago, a sweet friend of mine gave me an ampersand
that sits on my desk where I can see it. The ampersand has special meaning in
the counseling world and recently I realized it has become quite a popular
cultural symbol. Some people get tattoos of it and others buy one and use it as
a decoration. Right now they come in all sorts of colors and mediums--wood,
plastic, clay, and metal.
Over the last few weeks I've been contemplating how the ampersand
has impacted my life. As a child, I developed a Black-and-White way of
thinking, which impacted just about every area of my life. It impacted my
relationship with God, but I was too full of shame over the questions and
confusion that arose out of that thinking to discuss them with others. You know,
the questions that roll around in the mind about God and His goodness, His
power, and His will in the face of great suffering. The Black-and-White Thinking
also carried over into my relationships with others. People were either all
good or all bad. They could be good for a while and then become bad when they
hurt me. That thinking also carried over into how I viewed myself and my
recovery from an eating disorder. One slip with an eating disordered behavior
and I was a total loser, failure, defective person--even though I had made it
through weeks without using an unhealthy behavior. It carried over into how I
viewed life. Life was either really good when it was easy or it was really bad
when I was going through something hard.
In recovery, I began to realize things really aren't so Black and
White! By that I don't mean I don't view sin as sin, I mean that I don't view
things as all good or all bad. The word that I first began to
use in my head was, "But."
It came in the form of things like "My friend is suffering, but God is still good." "My
husband hurt my feelings, but I find
I still love him." "I ate a cookie and feel like a failure, but I am still a child of God."
"This trial is really tough, but
I hope to grow through it." I realized for me the word "but" is a bit of an expression of
resistance and a little bit of protest and left me feeling unsettled. That may
not be true for everyone but it was for me.
It was okay for a season, but I wasn't content to live in the “buts.” I wanted more. To get the more I
often had to journal and talk about the “buts.”
The first time I did it I wanted desperately to forgive an abuser. I started
out writing:
I forgive_________for__________, but they hurt me. I simply repeated the exercise over and over
until I had run out of buts! I hate
to admit it, but it was quite a long list! In that exercise I went from wishing
I could forgive to being able to say "The abuser hurt me, but
I forgave him."
That was okay at the time, but to be honest it still didn't feel
finished. It felt I was forgiving because I had to, but reserving the right to
protest a little that it happened. It felt like I was forgiving, because I
wanted to minimize the impact that it had on me. It also felt like I was
forgiving, because I wanted others to think I was okay. As I am writing now, I
glanced at the ampersand on my desk and I find myself smiling because I realize
over time the something more I wanted was found in the "and!". When I say my abuser hurt
me and I forgave him I feel this
sense of peace wash over me. The "and" means to me that two things
are equally true. The "and" doesn't minimize either truth and for
some reason, for me, the "and" doesn't minimize the feelings on
either side of it. The "and" is like a picket fence that allows me to
see the past and not be controlled by it!!!
The "and" has helped me view God, the gospel, and
redemption more accurately. Jesus is all powerful and Jesus is meek. Jesus is the Lion of
Judah and Jesus is the Lamb of God. Jesus is
merciful and Jesus is just. Jesus is God and spoke the
universe into being and Jesus became a man rubbing shoulders
with His creation. Jesus spoke and His words pricked stubborn hearts, calmed
turbulent seas, cast out demons, healed broken bodies, forgave sin, caused
soldiers to fall back and Jesus remained silent in the face of
illegal trials to lay down His life for us.
The center stage of the gospel is at the cross. It was the place
where His holiness shone the brightest and it was a place where man's sin was its
ugliest. It was the place where man's hatred screamed loudest and it was the place where God's love was
most fully demonstrated. It was the place where sin in all of its ugliness was
imputed to Jesus and it was the place where His goodness in
all of its beauty was imputed to us. It was the place that resulted in death and it was a place that resulted in
eternal life. Jesus was God and Jesus was man. Jesus died and Jesus was raised.
Ah! Those "ands"--they
even trickle down to me. I am a sinner and
I am saved by grace through faith. I was an enemy of God and I am now His child seated at His table. I was in bondage to sin
and I am now a bond servant to the
living God. I was wounded and I am
continuously being healed by the Wounded Healer.
The ampersand--it
seemed to remove the shame I experienced over being human and the shame I felt
for being in the throes of living a redemption story that in the beginning was
characterized by sin, woundedness, and fear. It seemed to relieve the shame I
bore for living with both the flesh that craves to do wrong and the spirit that
desperately wants to live victoriously close to God. It also relieved the shame
of having believed I was too much, not enough, and unworthy of being loved and
being captured by His love that ran deeper than the deepest wounds in my heart.
I still believe the "but" was an important step of my journey, but I
like living in the ampersand where two seemingly conflicting truths can co-exist
and can open my heart more fully so I can trust God who is bigger and more
complex than my mind can grasp and who loves with a love so deep my heart will
never be able to fully comprehend it in this life I am living.
