When a Nation Grieves

Many years ago, my family attended a church for a year. There though we learned a lot about living out our faith. They taught us that our mission would be defined by several different things like our spiritual gifts, specific passions God places in our hearts, and by the natural talents God instilled in us as He created us. This week, as I watched in shock the assassination of Charlie Kirk, my heart felt a crushing blow for his young wife, his small children, and his parents. As my social media feed was flooded by clips of Charlie's videos and testimonies of people whom he had impacted, I realized he was a perfect example of what that church had taught us. 

Charlie and his wife Erika had a deep relationship with Christ. Their number one goal was to make heaven crowded by sharing their faith. Another goal they had was to challenge the direction of our country by going onto college campuses and engaging students in public civil discourse. He invited students to the mike, usually starting with those that disagreed vehemently with him and his beliefs. He was respectfully relentless with the truth on all sorts of topics. He encouraged students to learn critical thinking skills, to research the words they were spouting, but could not define. He was so gentle with the seekers, using compassion to avoid shaming them. Most importantly, He shared the gospel and the values of His God, telling students that godly marriage and raising children is good and honorable. In his last week he spoke of the senseless death of Irena Zarutska and in his last speech he, spoke of His God. 

In the aftermath, we have come to understand that Charlie and Erika had received many death threats, and they did not let that deter them from what they knew to be a calling of God on their lives. I believe Charlie's presence and willingness to face those that considered him an enemy resulted in many campuses having revivals in the last few years. And they faced any fear they may have experienced with such joy and light. We have been given a glimpse of his impact on the lives of many young people who are being emboldened to engage in political discussions and who are choosing to live out loud a faith that is settled on a Savior who redeemed them from their sin. In addition, we were given a glimpse of a young grieving wife and mother leaning into her God and her faith to stand firm in their calling.  

I have realized that the bullet, which was used to silence Charlie, was meant for us all and that feels a little scary. As a wife, mom and a grandmother, I don't just fear for myself, I fear for the people in my family that I love so deeply. So how can I reconcile the callings God has placed on our lives? That question has brought two passages to mind that encourage me. The first passage is Daniel 3, and the second passage is Hebrews 11.

In Daniel 3, King Nebuchadnezzar had a huge gold statue placed in Babylon and gave out this order, "You are commanded, O peoples, nations, and languages, that when you hear the sound of the horn, pipe, lyre, trigon, harp, bagpipe, and every kind of music, you are to fall down and worship the golden image that King Nebuchadnezzar had set up. And whoever does not fall down, and worship shall immediately be cast into a burning fiery furnace." 

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego replied to the king saying, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we have no need to answer you in the matter. If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up."  This is the kind of faith and mindset that we want to develop to live fully for Jesus in these days filled with hatred and violence. 

In this narrative, the king had had the furnace heated so high that the five men throwing the three friends in were instantly killed. But when the king looked into the furnace there was a fourth "man" in the furnace standing with them. The king then went to the door of the furnace and called them out and out the three came, not a hair singed, not a burn mark on their clothing, and no smell of smoke wafting from their bodies. And the king praised their God.  

The other passage is Hebrews 11, which is a chapter about men and women who had an abiding faith. I want to skip to the Hebrews 33-38, "who through faith conquered kingdoms, enforced justice, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, were made strong out of weakness, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight. Women received back their dead by resurrection. Some were tortured, refusing to accept release, so that they might rise again to a better life. Others suffered mocking and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. They were stoned, they were sawn in two, they were killed with the sword. they were about in skins of sheep and goats, destitute, afflicted, mistreated--of whom the world was not worthy--wandering about in deserts and mountains and in dens and caves of the earth." 

It is so helpful to see that it wasn't just people who accomplished miraculous things for Jesus that were listed, but it was also those who suffered, were imprisoned, impoverished, and who were brutally martyred as well. It was hard not seeing our prayers for Charlie's life to be spared be answered. Yet we can rest assured that Charlie's faith mattered to our God and that in Charlie's death many people's faith will be matured. These verses tell us that no matter how God chooses to answer, what mattered to God was Charlie's faith. 

While we all fully understand that Jesus alone is the Savior, could it be that God is using Charlie's fearless preaching in the face of death threats coupled with Charlie's brutal death to stir the hearts of people to trust Jesus as their Savior and to cause us, who are believers, to live our faith more out loud just as Charlie and the men and women in Hebrews did? Let's unite with Erika in trying to make heaven crowded.

 

 

From Fear to Faith

 In 2012 one of the pastors who had a huge impact on my life passed away. I wrote a note on Facebook called "From Fear to Faith" and thought I would edit it and share it here as we are living in times in which fear covered in anger is rampant. I hope that may someone struggling with fear might be comforted and find courage and peace in Jesus, just as I did.  

In January of 1977 my husband and I moved to Mississippi so he could get his doctorate from State. Oh, we were young and moving across the country while I was pregnant with our first child. The night we arrived in Starkville, it was freezing cold, and I was very sick with a kidney infection. We followed the hospital signs to get to the emergency room. The doctor kept me in the hospital for several days, leaving my husband to unpack the U-Haul. A guy he had met at a conference happened to drive and see Joel unloading the trailer. He stopped and helped him and then invited him to dinner with some guys from his church. He got there and met their pastor, who was nicknamed Nap. For a year, we attended another church that had more young student couples and forged some great friendships, but after a year most of them were finished school and left. One of the men we knew told us that because I had such a thirst for Bible knowledge that Emmanuel Baptist Church would help me find the answers to the questions I had. We to the little Baptist Church, where Nap taught verse by verse at least four times a week and stayed there for seven years.

When we first attended, I was very fearful, but if anyone would have asked if I was a believer I would have said yes. Maybe I was a believer, but if I was a believer, I was a terrified one. Every time I sinned or even thought I might have sinned, I confessed over and over and asked Jesus into my heart again and again and again. Right after we married, we had heard some preaching on the Book of Revelation, and I woke up several times crying from nightmares about end times. When I arrived at Emmanuel, I was still fearful and trying desperately to be good, thinking I could earn God's love and bet to heaven.

About the time I began to relax and enjoy our new church, Nap announced he would begin a series on the book of Revelation. I was struggling with my parent's divorce so I went in to talk to him about that and during that conversation I also told him about my fear of the Book of the Revelation and told him I wasn't sure I could handle the series. He suggested I read the little book, Come Lord, Jesus by Mark G. Cambron and then come talk to him. I began to see the grace of God in that little book on Revelation and how it matched what Nap was preaching on Sundays. We met many times and talked about the gospel and eternal security and a bunch about the love of God. Over time, I realized I believed what God said in His Word and that Christ's payment for sin was enough to secure my salvation.

I fell in love with Jesus during the time I spent at that church. I hungered and thirsted to know everything about Him and had to have driven Nap crazy with questions, but he was patient and loving and kind to this needy young believer. I loved his bear hugs as they were tight and purely given. I loved his love of the Savior. It never ever waned, no matter what came his way. I loved his love of God's grace and a pure gospel. I loved his style of teaching and answering the questions I and many others had, because his answers were never his thoughts or opinions, they were straight from the Word! I loved the consistency of his teaching; the truth never changing as he moved from book to book...it was always grace. And he lived out that grace even in the mundane parts of his life. He fiercely protected the flock with which God had entrusted him. His heart grieved as many of his flock were moved to other parts of the world, but he still considered us a part of his Emmanual family.

I remember one time he was preaching on the persecuted church, I went up to him afterward and told him, "Nap, I don't have to worry about anyone persecuting me, because I always prostitute myself." He responded with, "I know, Babe!" but his eyes were twinkling like crazy. So, I quickly thought through what I had just said and got embarrassed. I screamed, "NO!" and he chuckled and said, "I didn't think you meant what you said." I typed the bulletin for several years and I often made him special bulletins with funny announcements he could not read to the church. But I knew he saw them when he came out with twinkle in his eye and a great big smile on his face.

The last week I lived in Starkville, I went by to see him one last time and I asked him some hard questions I had never voiced before about God's sovereignty over things like abuse. There were no glib answers give, but as I turned to leave, he called my name and I turned around, "Wendy, God is Good! Don't ever forget He is Good!" And I heard his voice say those same words over and over in my head when I went into counseling to recover from the pain in my past! Nap also listened to my pain when my best friend lost her babies then again when I lost her. I loved the sound of his voice when he taught. It was a slow southern drawl that calmed my anxious heart after someone broke into our home and comforted us as a church when we buried our loved ones.

One more thing I loved about Nap was that He never said things like, "Jesus, is coming back, you better get ready." He simply lived His life always excitedly looking for our Jesus to return. He was faithful until the very end. Nap was at a camp preaching and sharing the gospel and passed away later in the evening. That very night I was in a worship service, here in California and we sang one of his favorite songs, "Nothing but the Blood of Jesus" and my heart was full of joy as it reminded me of Nap and his impact on my faith, not realizing our gracious God was orchestrating that moment in my life at the time He was welcoming him home. I love that Jesus has riches to share with His faithful servant that bore so much fruit in His life.

I have lived in California with a contentment that is still slightly overshadowed by a homesickness for people who had become a loving spiritual family for this homesick, pregnant, scared wife. This last week I have seen a lot of pictures from Ikthoos, the Camp Nap and others started. The kids who were little campers when we lived there are all adults who are faithfully filling his footsteps as they love kids and teach them how to study the Word to lift their beautiful voices in praise.

Desperate Places Revisisted

As I have been watching the war in Ukraine unfold, I was reminded of a post I wrote about desperate places. I wrote it after one of our pastors preached a sermon on John 4:46-54. This is an account of an official who was so desperate to save his son's life that he walked a marathon to beg Jesus to come and heal him. Pastor Matt described the man as being in a desperate place--as we watch news stories about the people leaving Ukraine, sheltering in place, and fighting in the war, we can see that they are definitely people living in desperate places. Desperate places simply defined are the places where life, as we once knew it, has been turned upside down. The very places we sometimes find ourselves feeling like we are at the end of the proverbial rope, shocked, powerless, and unsteady. It is the place we know only our God can help. 

I shared about a few of the desperate places I've been in. One of them being the day I turned ten. My family was planning on celebrating my birthday, but an unexpected phone call radically changed our plans. My mom's aunt, with whom we were close, had a serious stroke and was in intensive care in another town. Our celebration turned into several intense weeks as we traveled to the hospital that she was in. Because they did not let children visit patients, my siblings and I sat in the car or in the lobby waiting while my parents and grandmother visited my aunt and uncle. The first night we went, my uncle came downstairs to visit with us kids and he cried. It was the first time I had seen him cry and his emotional pain scared me. And each time the phone rang at our house, my mom feared the worst and ran to answer it, choking back sobs before she even answered the phone. 

I experienced powerlessness as I watched the adults ride an emotional roller coaster full of ups and downs and scary turns. As a ten-year-old, I couldn't do anything to make my aunt get well and I couldn't do anything to take the pain away the adults were experiencing. All I could do was pray the simple prayers of a ten-year-old heart. I don't remember the prayers, but I do remember wanting her well and for things to be like they were before she got sick. I also remember desperately wanting God. I remember peace flowing through me as He met me in the fear of possible loss, the anxiety of seeing my caretakers hurting, and in my admitting couldn't fix it all. 

The second desperate place that came to mind was when our son had an ATV accident. I met him at the hospital, and we were told his collar bone was broken in several places. He had told the triage nurse he felt like he was bleeding inside, and she noted it in his chart. However, the ER doctor dismissed it as radiating pain from his collar bone. They sent us home and several days later he came out of his room gray. This time an ER doctor discovered his ruptured spleen and his belly filled with blood. When they wheeled him away, we assured him we would see him when he woke up, secretly fearing the worst. I was desperate and knew there was nothing I could do to guarantee the outcome I wanted. I was drawn to God and afraid of Him at the same time as He had the power to heal him but might choose not to. I was too tied up in knots too pray eloquent prayers, but felt His presence growing bigger, reminding me He was with us. There were complications and the stay in ICU stretched to 12 days and the regular hospital floor another 4. I showered and walked during the nurses' shift changes. In the shower tears flowed and on walks the prayers flowed directly from my heart to God's and He was near. 

The third desperate place was when my daughter-in-law was put in the hospital on bed rest during her pregnancy. She and my son were on the other side of the country, making daily decisions that no parents should ever have to make to get their child here safely. As my son kept me posted, I felt the same feelings of powerlessness I had felt as a child. All I could do was listen and tell him I was available anytime he needed me. I daily poured out my heart to God, telling Him everything I longed for in regard to my kids and their daughter. And God met me there in the middle of passionate prayers. We were at the beach when my son called with the news that they had no more choices left, but to deliver our granddaughter. She was three months early and a very sick little baby. Our son's voice was solemn as he gave us the news. My heart ached for them and I stayed up all night praying, asking God to intervene and let her live. Our son called back the next morning and said the x-rays that morning showed no sign of the infection that was there the night before. There was hope even though the next couple of months were critical for her. Our granddaughter was a fighter and held on and was soon thriving. 

When I watch the news, and see people fleeing, fathers saying goodbye to their families as they stay to fight, and the bombs being dropped, the desperate place over there seems so big for those people. Even though my desperate places haven't been as big in scale, I wonder if the lessons I learned might still speak some hope into their hearts. I learned that God can always be found in desperate places, but to find Him we must choose to lean into Him through radically honest prayers. I learned that desperate places were fertile soil for faith to grow exponentially as those places bring us face to face with what we believe about ourselves and what we believe about our God. 

I also learned there is a very real Enemy and if we don't continuously pray, he preys on us, trying to convince us that desperate places prove God doesn't love us. But the truth is that deep intimacy with God happens as we lean into Him in the hard, praising Him for who He is and what He has done, what He is doing, and what He will do in the future. I learned that faith is purified in the hard as it brings us face to face with our human limitations against the backdrop of His pure character and His powerful attributes. I learned desperate places purify our hearts as we have to decide if we really want Jesus or if we just want His benefits. I learned desperate places expose our tendency to make idols out of the things we desperately want and that idolatry is broken when we are put in a place we have to give the desires of our hearts to the Lord.

When I think of desperate places of course the Ukranian people come to mind, but so do many others--people who have stood over child sized coffins weeping, people who have dealt with cancer that came in its ugliest forms, people who have suffered through horrendous abuses whose cries went unheard, people whose lives were turned upside down by someone's decision to drink and drive, people who watched their hometowns burn to the ground, people who watched homes being swept away by floods, and people who were suddenly laid off, wondering how they could feed their families in the face of a pandemic. I also think of people who are currently living long in desperate places--people with debilitating pain of chronic illnesses no one can see, people watching as their loved ones’ minds slip away, others watching loved ones with sharp minds whose bodies begin to cease functioning, those living with infertility and unfulfilled longings, and those who suffer in the aftermath of mass shootings with PTSD and flashbacks they cannot control. Did they lean into Jesus and find hope? 

I also thought of those who will find themselves in desperate places this next year. Maybe they will be parents who will get that call from their soldier's commander because he won't be coming home because he or she sacrificed their life on the battlefield. Maybe it will be the woman whose doctor calls to say she has joined the community of those fighting cancer. Maybe it will be the parents of a student gone missing. Maybe it will be the businessman whose auditor tells him the only way out of debt is bankruptcy. Maybe it will be the couple whose marriage begins to crumble under the weight of betrayal, untreated mental illness, or self-destructive addictions. Will they lean into Jesus or will run from the very One who wants to minister to their heart? Will they see His infinite goodness, or will they believe the lies the enemy speaks? I am praying for them because I know that as much as I care, we have a Savior who cares infinitely more, longing to reveal Himself to them in ways they can't even imagine. Will they let Him instill hope into the desperate places?

A New Point of View

Several years ago, I read John Fisher's book, 12 Steps for the Recovering Pharisee (like me), and it was an eye opener. After I read it, I tried to overcome Pharisaical behavior's and correct my attitude to be more like Jesus. Sometimes I was successful and sometimes I wasn't. I recently read Michelle Cushatts' book, Relentless, The Unshakeable Presence of a God who Never Leaves and realized I have not only looked at my family and peers through a Pharisaical lens, but I have also looked at people whose stories were told in the Bible that way, too. The reason I did this is because I didn't consider the trauma humans have experienced since the fall, whether it be because of our their choices, the choices of others, or simply living in a fallen world. When I didn't  consider the impact of trauma on people in Biblical narratives, I often judged them, amd was impatient and frustrated when I read about their actions, reactions, words, emotions, and attitudes. 

There has been a lot of research lately on the impact of trauma and it has shown people who experience trauma often struggle to trust each other and God. This is because trauma changes the human brain, impacting our ability to form secure attachments. In addition, the Enemy tells us trauma is proof that God is not loving or trustworthy and that we are too bad to love. People with unhealthy attachment styles present in all sorts of ways, but one way is that they are trusting one moment and unable to trust the next. The deep needs that didn't get met due to trauma, can be triggered, causing all sorts of emotional responses long after a traumatic event is over. I will share a few of the Bible characters we often judge. Michele talks about them in her book.

First, there was Adam and Eve who represent those whose trauma was caused by their own choices. Before the Serpent, they lived in a protected environment in perfect communion with God and each other. Afterward, they experienced a break in those relationships and for the first time experienced fear and shame and they hid. They were expelled from the Garden that was filled with all they needed and had to work hard to survive. Their lives became messy and dysfunctional and they struggled with conflict and trust, living with the knowledge that their actions had impacted all mankind. Yet, God in His grace promised them a Savior, covering their nakedness with animal skins, He, Himself, killed. 
  
Second, there was Abraham and Sarah. When I first read their story, I was confused by their strong faith being interrupted by doubts. That is until I learned more of their story. They lived in a culture that worshiped fertility gods, which would have been difficult for a barren couple. It would have been assumed that their infertility was due to moral failure and that their infertility was the result of the gods displeasure with them.. I imagine Sarah was judged harshly and mocked as she tried to fix what was wrong in her life. Yet, she couldn't identify what it was she needed to fix. She and Abraham answer God's calling to leave for a new country, receiving His promise of a child. Years later, Sarah was still barren and beyond childbearing years, so she took things in her own hand as she most likely had done before. She tried to help God by giving Abraham her handmaiden to bear a child for her. The handmaiden mocked her and Sarah treated her harshly, which is understandable in light of the trauma of having lived in a land that idolized fertility and treated her with the same kind of contempt Hagar had shown her. Even though life got a lot more complicated, God was with them and kept His promise, raising their reproductively dead bodies to life and giving them a child. He even made a covenant with Abraham and in that covenant, God assumed all of the responsibility for keeping it, walking alone walked through the sacrifices, His actions telling Abraham that even if he messed up, God would keep His covenant. 

Third, we skip to the Israelites living in Egypt. Exodus tells us the Hebrews were oppressed, forced into slavery, and their lives were made bitter with hard work. They were a fertile people and their numbers grew, causing the Egyptians to fear them. So the Egyptians increased the Hebrew's labor and eventually ordered midwives to kill their children when they were born. The Hebrews cried out to God, whose ears had always been turned towards them and He called Moses to lead them to the Promised land. After witnessing the plagues, Moses lead them out of Egypt, which had its own set a problems. I used to wonder why they so quickly vacillated between belief and unbelief, questioning God's purpose and Moses's leadership. But in the context of trauma, their story of faith followed by anger, fear, and doubt makes sense. They questioned God, because they had previously felt abandoned by Him, wondering if He was hearing their cries when they lived as slaves. It also makes sense that they would have a hard time trusting Moses's leadership as the generation leaving Egypt had never experienced benevolent leaders, only brutal and oppressive ones. They had wanted to be rescued and cried out to God, but in waiting on Him to answer, the story they began telling themselves was that God brought them out to abuse them, too. It makes sense they would wonder if God really would take them through the sea, provide food for them,  and keep them safe. Would life in a new land be better? Would Moses be fair as he dealt with them? When I look at them through the lens of trauma, I have more compassion and understanding. I wonder if maybe God put their story in the Word, not to make an example of them, but to show us what lengths He will go to save His people traumatized by living in a fallen world.  

Forth, we have Elijah. I always loved the account of Elijah and the prophets of Baal found in 1 Kings 18. Elijah was a prophet who lived in perilous times due to God's discipline, a severe drought, and ungodly leaders like Ahab and Jezebel, who killed God's prophets. In that social climate Elijah confronted Ahab and set up a challenge between God's true prophets and Ahab's false ones. They both built alters and the false prophets called on Baal to ignite their sacrifices, using all sorts of passion and antics. Nothing happened! Then Elijah and his prophets poured water on their alter and prayed and God came down, igniting their offering, proving He is who He says He is. They slayed the false prophets who were leading people astray, igniting Jezebel;s wrath. She plotted to kill Elijah and he ran, he feared, he hid, and he doubted. He even asked God to take his life. I judged him harshly, but God didn't. He had compassion on Elijah and met his physical needs of rest and food and gently met the traumatized, depressed prophet in a soft whisper, showing him the lie he believed that he was all alone was false. 
          

Fifth, we have Job and his wife. I have had several friends bury children and had already grown more compassionate towards them. In fact, at times I get angry with believers who  judge them harshly. I can't even imagine what it would be like to lose all of my children, my home, my resources, and my employees in one day, especially in a culture that assumed everything bad experienced is because of moral failure. The reactions the couple had to the relational, physical, and financial losses they experienced were appropriate. The grief of a child runs deep and is cyclic and remains a shadow for a lifetime in both times of trust and times of doubt. As a child when I read their story, I mistakenly thought when God gave them more children and more wealth that their life would return to normal and their pain would end. But, that is not the case! Even after people work through grief and their joy has returned, there is an empty place in their parental heart. God wasn't put off by their emotions, their struggle to make sense of their losses, and the questions they posed. So, why are we? Maybe God met them in their pain, to show them and us that the way through pain is to say the questions ruminating in the heart out loud so Satan can't use those questions to plant seeds of doubt. Maybe it was to teach us to make room for the truth that suffering helps us understand the love of God and the suffering Jesus experienced when He lay down His life for our sin. The fellowship of suffering reveals the deepest parts God's heart to us. 

Sixth, lets briefly discuss the disciples of Jesus. They walked with Jesus, heard Him preach, saw Him heal, saw Him cast out demons, and watched as He confronted Pharisees who had painted God as a hard task master never to be pleased. They ran when Jesus was arrested and denied knowing Him at the crucifixion. I judged their actions many times. But, viewing them through the trauma in their story allows me to be more empathetic. Their country was being controlled by other nations and God had been silent for 400 hundred long, hard years. They heard Jesus's words through that lens and probably heard a few lies the enemy planted along the way. All of a sudden the Messiah they loved and hoped in  was taken, illegally tried, beaten beyond recognition, and crucified between two thieves. They emotionally weren't prepared for what they saw, the grief they felt, and the confusion of faith the events brought about. The fearful disciples returned home, lost in their hurt...until He rose again! Jesus wasn't judging them like I was. He went straight to them and reestablished their callings to be His disciples and promised them the Holy Spirit who would increase their understanding of Spiritual things. God met them in their pain so they would understand the cross was the fulfillment of the Abrahamic covenant. That even in their failure to be faithful, Jesus alone paid the price. They would need to know this grace when they served Him enpowered by the Holy Spirit who would come. Jesus understood their fear of abandonment and He clearly conveyed to them that He would not leave them alone, but would give them a Comfortor who would bring to mind what He had taught and enable them to understand and empower them to do what He called them to do.   

This new perspective of looking at the Bible characters in the context of their story and the trauma they experienced makes me want to reread every story again to see the relentless love and presence of God more fully in their lives. It also inspires me to look for that in my own life and in the lives of people around me. A trauma lens helps me have more empathy and compassion. As Michele so eloquently said, "God doesn't condemn our questions, doubts, and despair but actually pushes further in, drawing closer still. And to discover, to our deep relief and lasting delight, that God's greatest desire isn't to browbeat us into obedience but to woo us with His relentless nearness." I can't help but wonder how differently our lives would be, if  we grasped this concept and became totally and radically transparent with Him, expectantly looking for Him to be near. 

Blessings that Come with Hardship

I remember the excitement I felt when I first found out I was pregnant. We had tried for over a year to no avail. Then when we went to my mom's for Thanksgiving, she noticed I was exhausted and falling asleep whenever I sat down. She told my sister she thought I was pregnant and my sister called to ask me about it. I didn't think I was, but went to my doctor anyways. He did the blood work and told me he would let me know the results soon. Because we had tried for so long, we were totally blown away when the doctor called to say the test was positive. I was elated and in awe of the life growing inside. I was also overwhelmed because we were preparing to move away from family and friends. I chose to stay home and held my baby a lot, singing to him, reading children's books, and sometimes just chatting with him about life. Once the baby started sleeping more, I realized I had become a more reflective person, pondering both what I read in the Bible and what I heard in sermons.

The first Christmas after our baby was born, I frequently sat across from the Christmas tree, rocking him to sleep, gazing at the lights. I contemplated how differently Mary had found out about her pregnancy. I wondered what it was like for her to be visited by the angel, Gabriel. I wondered what she thought and what she felt when he told her she had found favor with God and would conceive His Son. I wondered how much she comprehended when he told her the baby would be Jesus, the Son of the Most High. I wondered what feelings flooded her soul as she heard God would give her Son the throne of David. And, I wondered if questions ran through her mind when she was told that through Him many would be saved from their sin. I didn't know the answers to all of my questions, but I did know she had quickly embraced what the angel said and understood some of what she was told because she wrote, "My soul magnifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for He has looked on the humble estate of His servant. For behold, from now on all generations will call be blessed; for He who is mighty has done great things for me and holy is His name."

I also reflected on how her birth was markedly different than mine. Mine occurred in a sterile environment, surrounded by my husband, doctor. and nurses. She was alone with Joseph in a sheepfold. I found myself reflecting on the powerful feelings that surged as our son was born and I heard his first cries. I wondered what thoughts ran through her mind and what feelings coursed through her soul as she labored, gave birth, and held the Messiah child for the very first time. I wondered if she, too, had gazed into the eyes of Jesus and counted His fingers and toes like I did when I nursed our son. I knew she, too, had entered a season of reflection, because the Word said she pondered these things in her heart.

When Spring rolled around the first year of our son's life, more thoughts, questions, and fears arose in my reflective heart. As I thought about Jesus and His ministry, I became filled with awe over His powerful teaching, the miracles He performed, the loving way He interacted with hurting people. I was astonished to learn that many of His strong confrontations were aimed at the religious leaders who lead people astray. Yet, as a new mom, my mind often wandered to Mary. Did she fear for Jesus' life? Did she long for Him to walk away from the conflict surrounding Him? Was she ever tempted to go all Mama Bear on those who flung false accusations at her Son like I did a few times? Did she ever feel the need to rush to His defense when she heard the talk surrounding Him and if so, what helped her restrain her tongue? Did she long for Him to let the crowds fiend for themselves and deal with their own hurts and their own sin? Did she struggle with doubt and confusion over the things the Gabriel had told her in light of what was taking place?

In contemplating those things, I sometimes felt uneasy, realizing I could do my best to raise my kids, but there were a lot of things out of my control. There would also come a time when I would no longer be the one protecting my kids from things that go bump in the night, from those who might want to do them harm, from those who would hurl ugly insults at them, from their own mistakes, or from those who would want to lead them away from God's plans for their lives.

As I reflected on the crucifixion of Christ, I was amazed that Mary was standing there gazing at her son, God's Son as He hung on that tree. She was gazing at a face beaten so badly it was not longer recognizable. She was gazing at a Righteous One, whose innocence didn't earn Him freedom. She was gazing at a Prophet who was so bold in His preaching, yet so strangely silent on the cross. She was gazing at a Lamb as the weight of all of our sin was placed on His shoulders. She was gazing at God's Son as He cried out, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" I wonder how she could bear the breaking of her own heart to stand their watching as the wrath of God for our sin was being poured out on Him. I wonder if she stayed to the end to watch as they took Him down and laid Him to rest. I also wondered what joy flooded her soul as she laid eyes on the Son of Man after He had risen from the grave. How did she make sense of so much sorrow and so much joy to be born in such a short time.

As I think about the role we take in motherhood, I realize for me there was no greater joy and no greater blessing to hear the words, "You are pregnant!" I was blessed to hear them five times and was filled with as much joy the second, third, fourth, and fifth times as I was the first. Mary's story taught me that just as Mary was shown favor by being chosen to be mother of the Son of God, we are chosen to be the mothers of the children God gives us. Her story has also taught me that with that blessing comes the potential for great heartache and great sorrow. To know this is true, all we have to do is to ask the mothers whose babies died before they were birthed, the mothers who birthed beautiful babies with half of their hearts missing, the mothers of children who suffer horribly with cancer and its treatment; the mothers of children laid to rest in coffins smaller than they ever should be, the mothers whose soldiers boarded planes for war zones from which they may never return, the mothers of children who have gone missing, the mothers whose children are lost in drug-filled lifestyles, the mothers whose children have been demoralized by peers, the moms of children who has been assaulted and harmed in ways children shouldn't be, or mothers whose kids struggle hard living in the pain of adult relationships gone awry.

I think there is more to learn about motherhood from Mary. She remained faithful in loving her Son on what had to have been the darkest day of their lives. The events that seemed so hopeless and so bleak were the very events that were needed to accomplish our redemption. Just as Mary could not see everything that was happening from the view she had, we can't see everything happening when we face hardship with our children. Yet, I can't help but believe that maybe her quiet presence helped the Lord in some untold way that day He hung between heaven and earth. Maybe as we come to accept that our blessing, too, will come with hardship and that in the hard God isn't calling us to control it all. That is His job. Maybe He is simply calling us to love big and to choose to stay present just like Mary did. I believe that someday we will more fully understand the hard that came with the blessings God gave us.

When Faith Confronts What we Believe about Pain

When I was growing up, televangelism was just beginning to become popular. Many TV evangelists promised health and wealth in exchange for obedience and pledges of money. This prompted me, as a baby Christian, to begin to barter with God, saying things like, "I will do this, if you will do that." The "this" was things like tithing, never missing church, or telling friends about Jesus. Ironically, the things I promised God were things He had already instructed us to do. The "that" might be a healing I wanted for someone, a job for which I had interviewed, or provisions needed to for tuition. The things I asked for weren't bad, but the way I asked implied I was asking God to prove His existence and His love to me over and over again. As I grew in my faith, I began to do things simply because I loved Him, not to gain His benefits.

I remember televangelists saying if one had a problem, all they had to do was come to Jesus and He would fix it. Many even gave the impression the abundant life was a pain-free life. For a while I bought into that lie and ended up obsessively looking for hidden sin that caused my pain. I lost sleep, replaying each day in my head, examining words spoken and actions taken that might have been sinful. Every trial and temptation I faced were proof that I had messed up in some unknown way. I began to think even others' unkind words or hurtful actions indicated some darkness in me. The lie I had accepted as truth lead to some pretty stinking thinking.

As I spent more time in the Word, I realized God never promised a picture-perfect, painless, or sorrow-free life. The author of Hebrews says, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." These verses and many others make it clear that the Christian life is not trouble-free. Pastor Brent Van Elswyk shared in a sermon that the original word for race implies struggles, pain, and suffering. It’s the word from which we derive our word "agony." I love that! It is more in line with what we see from Eden on.

Abel's race included offering a more acceptable sacrifice than Cain's. But it also resulted in Cain going into a jealous rage and striking Him dead. His faith that led him to worship in God's way is still speaking to us today.

Noah's race included being born at a time when every thought and intention of man was evil. It included years of reverent fear motivating him to build the ark on a bone-dry land to save his household from an impending flood. It included the knowledge that his obedient faith condemned the world and the world included people he knew. His faith that saw God as Savior is still speaking to us today.

Sarah's race included years of infertility while living in a culture that worshipped fertility gods. It included living with a fearful husband who put her in compromising situations to save his own skin. It included trying to help God fulfill His promise and the messiness of giving her servant to her man to bear the children she could not bear. It included a long wait between the giving of God's covenant and its fulfillment in little "Laughter." Her faith that matured beyond her doubts and allowed her to see Jehovah as God of life is still speaking to us today.

Jacob's race included his own deceitful heart and the resulting shame and consequences. It included a deceitful father-in-law who substituted the bride of his choice with her less desirable sister. It included the conflict between two wives who competed for his affection. It included the long trek home with large family in tow to meet a brother who may or may not kill him. It included a long night of wrestling with the Lord over His sovereign plans, resulting in his walking with a limp for the rest of his life. It included the humbling that comes with repentance and the need of forgiveness. His faith that is balm to all who have stepped out of God's will for a season is still speaking to us today. 

Joseph's race included being sold by brothers, being falsely accused of rape, and being cast into prison and forgotten. It included coming face to face with the brothers who had betrayed him and facing the painful grief he had buried deep. It included having to struggle through the practical side of forgiveness to help the very brothers who had hurt him so deeply. His faith that said, "You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good," is still speaking to each of our wounded hearts today.  

Moses's race included a lonely ride in a river as an infant that resulted in him being raised by an Egyptian princess. It included being called to lead a nation of stiff-necked people out of Egypt. It included a steady diet of manna and a dry walk through a riverbed, waters heaped high on either side. It included forty years of desert wandering because others didn’t believe. His race included harsh, unwarranted criticism by the people God called him to rescue. His faith that shows us how to persevere when the race gets tough is still speaking to us today.

Daniel and his friends had races that included being taken captive and carried to a foreign land. It included having their identity changed by captors training them to be leaders in a foreign land. Daniel's faithfulness landed him in a lions' den and his friends' faith landed them in a blazing-hot furnace. They didn't enter these races knowing the results you and I know. They entered them only knowing in Whom they believed. The faith that preserved their lives is still speaking to us today.

And there were others who ran similar races that resulted in premature deaths. Because they faced death in faith, their deaths were not in vain. Their faith that said I am willing to die because I believe speaks just as loudly as those who believed and lived. Their dying faith is still speaking volumes to those of us who know death is imminent.

Even the disciples who walked and rubbed shoulders with Jesus ran hard races. They lost their lives, were disowned by families, and suffered under brutal persecution. Some were run out of the villages they evangelized. Paul, in Second Corinthians, tells us he endured countless beatings, hard labor, being stoned, being shipwrecked three times, and being adrift at sea for a day and a night. He tells us on his frequent journeys he was in danger from rivers, robbers, Jews, Gentiles, city dwellers, wildlife, exposure, and people posing as believers. He endured poverty, got little sleep, and was often hungry, thirsty, and cold. He endured anxiety as he felt burdened for the churches he started. He suffered with an affliction he called a thorn in his side. And his faith that kept him going is still for those of us that take  great effort to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

As Pastor Brent put it, the diagnoses just received, the struggle with pornography, the addictions slowly killing us, the broken marriages we want fixed, the struggles we have with "extra-grace-required" people, the besetting sin that cloaks us in shame, the abuses experienced in the past that are still impacting us in the present, the chronic illnesses that leave us exhausted and dealing with constant pain, the memories of bloody wars served in, and the grief experienced over the loss of dreams, possessions, health, and loved ones are the races you and I have been called to run. As Brent said, "Welcome to the race!"

As believers, we need to understand how we see the Christian life will determine how we run the race set before us. Satan wants us to believe hard races prove God has forgotten us or doesn’t care about us. But the Word tells us God is a God who sees, a God who hears our cries, and a God who understands pain. We know because Jesus left glory to take on flesh to endure rejection, hatred, being misunderstood, being called crazy, being accused of being demon possessed, being arrested, being betrayed, being deserted by friends, being beaten beyond recognition, being mocked, being spat upon, being stripped of clothing, being crowned with thorns, and being nailed to a tree. His race included having the weight of all of our sin placed on His shoulders. It included experiencing the wrath of God we deserved for sin. God never promised us easy, He promised to never leave us and forsake us.

It is important to understand pain we experience is a tool in the hands of a loving God who desires to strengthen faith and mold character, which in all honesty needs molding. We respond by complaining about the unfairness of the race we’ve been called to run or about our God not doing what we want, or by going to Him to complain the “not-fair.”

I wonder what might be different if we choose to trust God and look at the race we’re running as an opportunity for God to do His perfect work in us. It is important to remember suffering came through sin, it is not the work of God! Our faith grows as we stand on His promises in the face of the hard--promises like He will work all things for our good, He will never leave us or forsake us, He will return for us, and He will ultimately destroy all sin and death and will wipe away every tear we have shed. The hard we live is being used by Him to mature us.

Our God desires us to confront our pain with faith because that gives us the opportunity to see His faithfulness and allows Him to weed out sin and turn unbelief into a firm confidence that He will do what He says He will do. When pain is met by faith, God accomplishes His perfect work, preparing us for the eternal weight of glory that far outshine the painfulness of the races run now. We grow the most when faith confronts what we believe about our pain.

The Beauty of the Semicolon

Recently I wrote about the importance of the ampersand to me. Well, there is grammar symbol that is quite popular right now. This symbol is tiny, but the meaning behind the semicolon is huge. A semicolon is used in writing when an author could end a sentence, but chooses to keep going instead. It is a way of keeping one's thoughts informally separate, but connected. Project Semicolon began in 2013 when Amy Bleuel wanted to honor the father she lost to suicide. Even though she, herself, struggled with depression, she saw the semicolon as a symbol of hope. Soon others began using the semicolon symbol in recovery because they were fighting a battle with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicidal thoughts and their will to continue on. The semicolon symbolized their belief that this is not the end, but a new beginning. Even faith-based organizations are beginning to refer to the semicolon as a way of telling others, "My story (Your story) isn't over!"

As a survivor I battled hard with depression, negative thoughts, and an unrelenting eating disorder that manifested in every possible way. I remember so many times feeling hopeless and wishing life would end to end the struggle, yet, choosing to hang on by a thread. And in choosing to hang on by a thread, I always found God was faithful to show me there was meaning in life after the hopelessness I experienced. And my story, His story in me, continued. 

As I've contemplated the whole movement of the semicolon I've realized the Scriptures are full of semicolons--you know those moments where those living the stories felt hopeless but God intervened with a God semicolon, providing hope, showing that the story continued. 

I don't know about you, but when I read about Eve with Adam by her side, talking with the Serpent, my chest tightens and everything in me wants to scream, "Stop! Don't listen to the Deceiver! Adam, stop her!" But she bit, and for a few moments I feel so hopeless. It could have been the end of the story, but God sought them out and sacrificed animals to clothe them, promising to send His Son to save them. And the Story continued.

In Genesis we read the story of Noah. The earth was full of sin and every thought of man was evil to the core. It was the end of the end, but God called on Noah to build and ark because He was going to judge the earth. Noah obeyed and through his actions He preached. Then the sky darkened, God shut the door, and the boat rocked as the floods came, destroying all life outside the ark. Eventually the lands dried and God gave Noah and his family a rainbow, a visual semicolon in the sky, to remind them of His mercy and grace and to remind us He saves His own through judgment. And the Story continued.

Oh, and there was Joseph, who was favored by his father, but despised by his brothers who sold him into slavery. He wound up in Egypt and chose to live a life full of integrity, only to be falsely accused and imprisoned. I am sure he felt like he reached the period in his life story several times; but each time God preserved his life and gave him dreams Joseph alone could interpret, and as a result he was able to preserve the life of the Egyptians through a long drought. Then one day it became obvious that the period he thought had ended his old life, when his brothers sold him, was really another semicolon in God's story. God used what his brothers meant for evil to preserve the life of Joseph and the nation of Israel. And the Story continued.    

There was Naomi who lost her husband and both of her sons while living in a foreign land during a drought. She grieved long and hard and the grief turned into depression and bitterness. She returned to her homeland for the end of her story; but God gives her a semicolon in the form of faithful daughter-in-law who was accepted by a kinsman redeemer and provided Naomi with heirs to love and a grandchild to be in the lineage of the Savior. And the Story continued. 

There was Elijah who God called to confront Ahab and the prophets of Baal who were stealing the hearts of His people. Elijah challenged them to a spiritual duel. The 450 prophets of Baal set their altar and called on their god to ignite the altar. They cried out from morning until noon and their god didn't answer. So, they continued to cry aloud and frantically cut themselves with swords and lances to prove their devotion, and he didn't answer. To the people who were following Baal and to the people who were torn between Jehovah and Baal it had to have been a moment they thought their story was ending; but God revealed Himself as Elijah called the people to himself. He built an altar in the name of the Lord with twelve stones and surrounded it with a deep trench. He put wood on the altar and cut the bull in pieces and laid it on the altar. Next he had them pour 12 jars of water over the offering, saturating the offering and wood and filling the trench with water. Elijah called upon the Lord so the people would recognize Him and turn their hearts back to Him and the fire of the Lord consumed the burnt offering, the wood, the stones, the dust, and the water. God showed Himself to be the true God of Israel. And the story continued.

There are other semicolon stories we could consider. There is the story of King David who had several moments he thought his life would end at the hand of Saul. He thought his kingship could end in moral failure when he abused his power, both taking another man's wife and murdering him in the aftermath. Emotional hurts like the death of his son and the problems between his children could have eaten the hope out of any parents’ heart, but God intervened, calling him the man after God's own heart. We could look at the story of Esther, Daniel and friends, and other prophets sent to Israel to warn them of sin and judgement. But instead, I want to move to the most significant semicolon in history, Jesus. 

Jesus came on the scene after a long period of silence in which God provided no prophets. I can't help but wonder if some feared God was done with them and viewed the long silence as a period to God's dealing with Israel. Then, God gave them what at first seemed like an unassuming semicolon in the form of a babe born in a manger. He grew. He taught. He called disciples. He confronted hypocritical, spiritually dead religious leaders. He cast out demons. He calmed angry seas. He healed the sick. He gave hope until He was taken captive, illegally tried, stripped, beaten, mocked, crowned with thorns, spit upon, and hung upon a cross for all the world to see. The world grew dark as our sin was laid on Him. And He died, but God! God, finding His sacrificial death a satisfactory payment for our sin raised Him from the grave, giving us all the living hope of the semicolon. 

The living hope of the semicolon means there is no sin too big or too dirty His blood can't cover it. Redemption means there is still a sense of purpose and meaning after moral failure. There is still life to be lived with joy after harsh painful losses. There is hope after each and every relapse. There is meaning for life lived with the anguish of mental illness. There is hope after broken relationships through reconciliation or with the invitation to repentance and restoration. And even in a life racked with a terminal illness there is hope, because for the believer death is the semicolon and the rest of the story is lived in glory--glory where there will be no more pain, no more sin, and no more tears. The beauty of the semicolon is that it places us face to face with Jesus who is the author of the redemption stories we live. 

Faith that Sees Beyond Circumstances

Sometimes I forget that as a believer I am called to live life from an eternal perspective. When I forget, I'm prone to take my eyes off God, putting them on circumstances--circumstances that overwhelm, circumstances that terrify, and circumstances that out right confuse me. And when my eyes are on circumstances, my doubts diminishes my faith and I find myself responding to my circumstances from a place of doubt-induced fear instead of a place of faith-built courage.

As I was reading Romans 4 and I came across some verses about Abraham I found intriguing. Verses 18-21 say, "In hope he believed against hope, that he should become the father of many nations, as he had been told, "So shall your offspring be." He did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body which was as good as dead (since he was a hundred years old), or when he considered the barrenness of Sarah's womb. No unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised." (The Holy Bible: English Standard Version. (2016). Wheaton: Standard Bible Society.

I've grown to love Abraham and Sarah's story. When God first spoke to them, they were old and barren, living in the midst of a culture that worshiped fertility gods. Because of the value their culture placed on fertility, barren women like Sarah were disgraced in the eyes of others and their infertility viewed as proof the gods found them defective and/or sinful. Then God called Abraham and Sarah out of that culture, promising them a new land and a son who would be the first of many heirs.

I can't imagine being in their shoes. Having lived with the pain and the shame induced by infertility, they had already passed through years that should have been fertile and had come to the age that they could begin to accept the finality of dreams lost and longings unfulfilled. But, God stirred the proverbial pot. He promised an heir and planted another seed of hope in the heart of a wife whose whose dead  womb was now menopausal and in the heart of a husband so aged he was as good as dead in a reproductive sense. What could they have thought when God began to speak to them of offspring?

Abraham, the one called the father of faith, had a choice to make when God spoke. He could keep his eyes on what he could see--two wrinkly worn out bodies that even in their prime had never conceived or he could focus on what God said and believe God could and would renew their bodies to fulfill His promise. He chose to exercise faith in God and His ability to fulfill the promises He makes. Over time he became more and more certain that what God said was more true than the facts that lay before him. He made a decision to place full his confidence in God--the God who spoke the world into place. The God who hung the stars in space. The God who filled the oceans with fish , the sky with birds, and the land with vegetation and animals. The God who had breathed life into dust to form Adam, and the same God who had now called Abraham by name. He became certain that what God spoke would come to be.

Ten years passed from the time the promise was given. And in that ten years Abraham's faith was strengthened until he was fully persuaded God could and God would do what He promised. God used the moments doubt crept into to Abraham's mind to strengthen his faith. The word waver in the verses above means to act as a judge and to pass judgement on something. When Abraham was tempted to look at his or Sarah's bodies or ponder their ages, he had to choose again and again whether to judge God's ability with God's Words and God's power by what he knew of the Creator. Had Abraham judged God's ability only by what he saw, he would have concluded the chance of God fulfilling the promise was slim. After all they were beyond childbearing years, they had never seen God do anything like this before, and they knew no human being in their right mind would believe they could conceive. He had many human reasons not to take God at His Word, but he chose to not judge God's ability by what he could see. He chose to judge it based on God's character. Abraham's faith was strengthened when He focused on God's power. The more he saw the truth of who he and Sarah were and the truth of who God was, the more persuaded he became.

Faith can either be strong or weak, depending on how we view God. If we view Him as weak and impotent in comparison to our circumstances our faith will be weak. But if we view Him as the Word describes Him--all-powerful, all-knowing, sovereign, and loving--our faith will grow exponentially until we are fully convinced He can and will do what He says He will do.

There was nothing in their aged bodies, their experiences, and their strong desire for a child that could strengthen their faith. All of those things had left them childless. It was only Abraham's choosing to trust in God that gave him a strong faith--faith that was counted to him as righteousness, faith that resurrected their dead bodies to reproduce. Every little wrinkle and every little ache that of their joints that comes with age during the ten years of waiting for a promise fulfilled was an opportunity to purged every doubt that they tore at their God-confidence. Abraham came to understand that he and Sarah were powerless and God was not. And in that truth, he rested.

I think God was very purposeful in choosing a barren, centurion couple to bless with a baby. In choosing them, He revealed Himself as the Creator of life, the giver of hope, and the mighty God who brings dead bodies to life. God had delayed Isaac's birth so He could reveal Himself and His power to two hurting people in the middle of a pagan world. Maybe he delayed it for our benefit as well. To walk by faith, we must say, "Lord, I believe You! I refuse to live life from a perspective of what I see. I choose to live in light of what You say and what You have shown yourself to be. I choose to take every thought captive when I become confused as Your Words are truth and wisdom. I am weak and powerless, but You are mighty and have all things under control. I choose see life through Your eternal perspective."

I choose faith in Christ because it's a faith that sees beyond the circumstances to what God can do.      

These Precarious Times

The last few weeks have been pretty unsettling. As I read articles, watched the news, and viewed the videos people that made to express their opinions and their rage, I searched for words to say. Over and over the word precarious came to mind, and to be honest I could use the word in a sentence, but I couldn't really concisely define it. So, I looked it up and google defines it as "not securely held or in position; dangerously likely to fall or collapse and the synonyms given were "uncertain, insecure, unpredictable, risky, hazardous, dangerous, unsafe, unsettled, unstable, unsteady, shaky." Yep, those words pretty much describe what this world feels like right now, especially from the view down here.

Cancer, diabetes, debilitating viruses, infections, and autoimmune diseases are making life tough for precious people and the medical system with delayed appointments, information and misinformation, and insurance battles add to the uncertainty people experience as they struggle with health issues.

PTSD, depression, anxiety, addiction, eating disorders and other mental illnesses rob people of peace, hope, and joy and a recent suicide left many of us wondering at what point her hope completely died and at what point did her ability to make choices that could lead to healing could no longer be made.

Family units, once haven's of stability, are radically changing as marriages break down due to long work hours that exhaust, isolate, and separate.

Marriages that were designed to be safe havens for two people doing life together crumble as porn allures men and women into false relationships with fake images that turn people into even more selfish, self -centered, demanding people instead of people trying to learn to love well as it normalizes the victimization of women and children and feeds the hatred of the rape culture.

And gender? It's now considered something to be assigned rather than Creator-designed. And marriage? Its been redefined to a contract between people rather than a life-long covenant between a man and a woman.  

Terrorists attacks both here and abroad make this world scary; Places once dreamed about now seem less inviting. And, while I've thought  the US to be a safe haven for people from all over, I am now finding myself fearfully contemplating the personal cost of welcoming the masses when the risk may be increased sexual violence of women and children as it was in Germany, increased risk of terrorists entering our country as it was in France and Turkey, and increased risk of the recruiting our own sons and daughters to do hateful deeds and even in just the writing of these things fear rises inside.

Mass shootings here at home make malls, theaters, schools, places of worship, and other places of social gatherings no longer feel safe, lending to the the break down of unity.

And gang violence, racial uprisings, and brutal attacks on our law enforcement have added to the insecurity felt as the ugly rhetoric on these things makes the stomach churn, especially when people evoke the name of Christ either verbally or through the jewelry they wear as they spout evil and hate, both so contrary to the character of the Savior.

I, like many others wonder how we are to live brave in a world that feels precarious and all I can do is come back to what I know to be more real than what I see. From the time Adam and Eve took the bite we have been living in a fallen world with a propensity to sin, a propensity to be driven by pride, a propensity to demand, and a tendency to clamor for some type of stability apart from God. The truth is Jesus warned us of precarious times, but we tend to forget His warnings. believing we deserve more, thinking He has abandoned us, doesn't really love us, is irrelevant, or doesn't even exist. But the truth is He was, He is and He is to come.

One of the stories we can draw wisdom from for days such as these is found in Luke 8:22-24. It is the story of Jesus getting into a boat with His disciples and saying, "Let's cross to the other side of the lake." As they sailed, He slept, and a strong wind arose, the waves grew, and the boat began to sink, causing great fear. The disciples frantically woke Him up and He rebuked the wind and raging waves and turned to His disciples and asked, "Where is your faith?" And they marveled at the One who could calmed the storm.

The storm they were facing wasn't a simple storm, it was hurricane-sized and even the seasoned fisherman were frightened because the boat was about to sink. The disciples fear moved from a healthy fear to frantic panic because they forgot one important thing--Jesus was in the boat with them! His question about their faith wasn't a judgement about their fear because God created them to feel this God-given, life-preserving emotion. It was a question as to why they waited to wake Him. They could have cried out to Him when the storm first started to become violent or when the stirring of fear began to rise. I wonder what kept them from crying out to the Lord sooner?

There are several reasons people wait to cry out to God in the face of storms. Sometimes it is because we are prideful, thinking we can handle storms by ourselves; but the truth is that some storms were never designed to be experienced alone.

Some of us fail to cry out, because we've been taught to ignore fear rising in the gut to warn us that something is growing dangerous--that fear that should be driving us to our knees on behalf of our families, our churches, our communities, our country, our world, and ourselves gets turned off or numbed when it is ignored.

Some of us have been taught that fear is sin, so we swallow it, we hide it, and we bury it deep and we feel so alone and so ashamed, weathering the storms through which Jesus wants to display both His peace that passes understanding and His magnificent power, and His heart loves us through through the storms.

Sometimes we don't cry out, because we're afraid of what others might think. This can be due to pride, but it is often because we've been shamed by believers for fear we experience, and the unbelief with which we struggle in face of huge storms. The fear one feels in the face of cancer, the loss of loved ones, debilitating accidents, acts of violence, growing terrorism, explosive hate groups, and the rising and falling nations is not sin. It is a call for the church to unite and encourage one another and to fall to its collective knees because the storms we are facing are not of this world; they are spiritual in nature and beyond our power to navigate. The unbelief we experience as we weather storms isn't sin; it is normal and it is healthy and it is being surfaced so it can be overcome. But sadly, Jesus image bearers often make it unsafe for unbelief to be expressed as was in Jesus day when the father of one sick child honestly cried out, "I believe, help my unbelief!"

We must not forget that we are people who are in the process of being transformed and we are all people who live with the reality of a faith that can be ambivalent. Ambivalent faith is faith that dwells first in head then moves to the heart where it can calm fear and anxiety and give peace. We must never forget that the movement from head to heart is sometimes a supernatural act that God performs, but at other times it is a process that takes place when the ambivalence is recognized, acknowledged, and confessed. To be like Jesus we are called to be people who allow each other the grace to be transparent with ambivalent faith and encourage one another to cry out to Him in our desperate need during these precarious times.

I am the Lame Begger

Sometimes when I am in church, I am blessed with two sermons at one time. One is  the  sermon  being given by the pastor and the other is the sermon the Lord presses on my heart. Last Sunday I had one of those experiences as one of our pastors was teaching through Acts 3:1-10.* My mind was completely engaged in the sermon and I was feeling excited as I heard the concepts Pastor Brent shared. His sermon in a nut shell was, "God interrupts the usual with the unusual to do the undeniable."

This Biblical account is centered around a man who had been born lame. Because of this defect, he was not allowed to worship in the temple and would have been ostracized by his  community because people believed birth defects, illnesses, or other afflictions were often a result of a person or his family's sin. He was unable to work and his needs were provided when people took mercy on him and carried him to the Beautiful Gate of the Temple so he could beg. Daily he sat.  begging  those who came to the temple to pray at the same time every day. The disciples came to pray as was their custom. And the man sat there day after day begging and begging...so used to people walking by that he no longer looked up as he begged. 

However, this day was different. The disciples stopped and Peter looked down at the man and asked him to look at them. The man looked up and they told him they had no money to give him, but would give him what they did had. Then Peter said, "In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk!" He then took the lame beggar by the hands and raised him up. The man didn't just stumble up stiffly like someone who had not used his legs in a long time. He leapt up as his legs became strong. He took a few steps but his joy was so great that he couldn't contain it. He started leaping and praising God as he entered the temple for the first time ever to worship his God.

I love this man's response! I love his joy. I love it that God worked through the disciples to make this man whole. As I read through the gospels and Acts, I often find myself asking the same questions  Pastor Brent posed in his sermon, "Why him?" "Why here?" and "Why now?"

God may have chosen this man because He knew the man would rise up and praise Him unashamedly and many people would see the undeniable power of God and be drawn to the Savior. Maybe God wanted people to see the joy and praise that flowed out of the relationship that healed. Maybe when Christ had been by there before, the man's heart wasn't ready to receive healing or Him, but now he was. Or maybe it was just God's will for it to occur on this day, at this time, to this man.

During the sermon I was pondering the fact that Jesus didn't heal every person and was wondering why He chose who He chose. That is when the second sermon began to unfold in my mind. Every person Jesus touched is someone I can relate to and this time it was no different. Maybe, God chose to heal the lame beggar to show me and possibly you that we are all lame beggars.

We were all born spiritually dead and as a result were defective in the sense that the part of us that was to connect our hearts to the heart of God was unable to do its job, just as the man's legs couldn't do their job. In and of our selves we aren't good enough to enter the family of God and we needed Jesus to give us a way in, just as the beggar needed someone to make him whole so he could enter the Temple. So often, we feel defective as a result of our sin or the sin that was inflicted upon us by others and it is God who can free us from that feeling. 

We are also like the lame beggar, crying out for what we think we need, when what we really need is more understanding of Jesus. So many of us spend years asking God for things and we are asking amiss either because we don't recognize our true needs or we don't realize how big our God is.

We ask Him to make people love us, not realizing we already  possess a love so rich it fills the deepest holes in our hearts so we can become more about giving love than receiving it.

We ask Him for acceptance, not realizing He has taken us out of the Kingdom of Darkness and accepted us into His Kingdom of Light and we are now called  His chosen ones. We honestly can't be anymore accepted than that! All we have to do to feel accepted is to embrace the truth.

We ask for healing from addictions, eating disorders, and emotional pain, thinking if we could be set free that we could be close to God. But the truth is that by leaning in to Jesus and being close to Him we live out victory through His power being displayed through our weaknesses.

We ask for wisdom, not realizing that by having Jesus, we have been given the mind of Christ and we can tap into His wisdom by spending time with Him in His Word.

We ask God to free us from the crippling shame with which we are plagued, not realizing the way out of shame is bringing the shameful things to Jesus's light.

When we ask God for something, what we are often really needing is to draw near to Jesus and allow Him into the hidden parts of our lives so that our relationship with Him grows deeper, more powerful, and more satisfying. As believers, we have a God who takes the crippled and makes them whole. We have a God who can show us our true needs. We have a God who can help the unbelief that keeps us from seeing all that we already possess. Oh, that we would never ever forget that we have a  powerful God with a great big heart whose resources are infinitely enough to meet our every need. Oh, if we only believed the truth, then we would be filled with the same uncontainable joy the lame beggar had. After all, aren't we are all just different versions of him?

*This sermon can be heard by going to http://www.riverlakeschurch.org/index.php/watch-and-listen/sermons/the-lame-beggar-healed

They said, "Yes!"

A couple of weeks ago our nation experienced another mass shooting. This shooting was different, in that the shooter had victims lie on the floor and then asked them to stand up one at a time. When one stood, he asked if he or she was a Christian. If the answer was yes, he shot to kill; if the answer was no, he shot to injure. It reminded me a little of the shooter in Columbine High School who also had asked his victims if they were believers, shooting them when they said yes.

As I viewed the news stories about Umpqua, my heart hurt because a small community suffered so many losses and it will hurt for years to come. I also grieved because those who were present that day suffered a horrible trauma and trauma forever changes the lives of those who experience it. Many people will have to work way harder at living because of one person's hate-filled actions.

I found myself contemplating many things that day--What drives a person to hate believers enough to shoot them? What gives people the courage to say, "Yes," when it will cost them their life? How will those who denied their faith deal with their shame? And how do I deal with this seizing fear that wells up in my own heart as I think of those I love possibly dying because of their faith?

There is and will continue to be a lot written about the psychology behind mass shooters by people way more qualified than I to write on that topic. I find myself drawn to write about the questions I have been pondering, but I do so with fear and trepidation because when lives are lost for the sake of Christ, I feel like I am standing on Holy ground and want to write in a way that honors God, honors those that were martyred, and honors those who suffered tremendous loss.

First the hatred people feel towards believers goes way back. The Bible is full of accounts of hatred, first, towards Israel and then towards Christians. Some who hate believers may have cause for their anger--some may have been spiritually abused by legalistic people who covered their own shame by shaming them. Some may have been victimized by believers who judged and shamed them for their sin, rather than showing them God's grace. Some may have been  sexually, psychologically, emotionally, or physically victimized by someone claiming to be a Christian while church leadership remained passive in the face of their pain. Maybe they had the gospel forcefully crammed down their throats with out experiencing Christ's love through those bearing the message. Maybe they were simply overlooked and ignored and treated as invisible individuals, not worthy of acknowledgement.

On the other hand, maybe they hate believers because we remind them of the God-hunger etched in their hearts by the Creator. Maybe, that hunger is what triggers shame that they cover with anger and hatred. Maybe that shame was inflicted on them by others or maybe they donned it themselves by the choices they made, choices they regret and can't undo. Maybe they hate believers because their shame runs so deep they can't face the pain of it long enough to look into the loving face of the Savior who frees humans from the shame they bear. Maybe they hate believers because they see something in them they desperately want, but are afraid to seek. Maybe they hate believers because giving up the pride of trying to control life is too scary. Maybe they hate believers because admitting they need a Savior feels too vulnerable and unsafe. Maybe believers lives expose the darkness in their own souls and they hate that. So, they hide, they blame, they hate, and they murder.

There was also the very real possibility that the shooters hatred was fueled by the Enemy who is ever seeking to devour, destroy, and demolish God's people. Unresolved issues in people's lives  leave them open to all sorts of demonic influences that distort the thinking, causing destructive thoughts, destructive patterns of behavior, and the making of ungodly vows that drive hateful behavior. Those distorted perceptions blind people to the Truth.

When I think of the courage it took for the students at Umpqua to stand and say, "Yes," I feel  humbled. I thought of a guy I was interested in during my sophomore year in college. He asked me if I was a Christian. I admitted that I was, but I played down the importance of my faith, because I feared he would reject me. The guilt and shame I experienced afterward have helped me stand firmer in my faith since that time. But here were students the same age as I was who were staring down the barrel of a gun when they were asked the same question and they did not waver. When the first person was shot for saying yes, I think it would have required even more courage for the second person to say yes, and then the third, and then the fourth...

When I think about what gave them the courage they displayed, my thoughts are drawn to Stephen who was also martyred for his faith. In Acts 6 Stephen was described as a man who was full of grace and power. He was known for speaking with wisdom and for having a bold Spirit that offended nonbelievers who were in rebellion against God. Acts 7 tells us those nonbelievers responded to Stephen's last sermon by becoming enraged to the point that they were gnashing their teeth at him and they immediately dragged him out of the city where they stoned him. But the Lord  graciously  gave Stephen a vision of the Jesus standing at the right hand of God. As they stoned him he commended his spirit to Christ and then in a gracious act cried out for mercy to be shown to the crowd. That same Spirit that indwelled Stephen indwelled the believers who stood firm in their faith at Umpqua. I wonder if God gave them the same vision?

The Bible says the death of the saints in precious in the sight of the Lord (Psalm 116:15). It says that the spirit who is behind the martyrdom of believers will ultimately and completely be destroyed (Revelation 17)! The believers who were killed in Umpqua join a great cloud of witnesses found in Hebrews 11:35-38. Some were tortured, refusing to accept release so they could rise to a better life. Some suffered mocking, beatings, imprisonment, and death by stoning, sword, being sawn in two, and we could add guns. Some lived destitute. Some were afflicted. Some were mistreated. And God said of them that the world was not worthy to have them.

I also believe the precious Saints at Umpqua are with those mentioned in Revelation 6:9-11. John saw them in His vision when the fifth seal was opened and he wrote, "I saw under the altar the souls of those who had been slain for the word of God and for the witness they had borne. They cried out with a loud voice, "O Sovereign Lord, holy and true, how long before you will judge and avenge our blood on those who dwell on the earth? They were each given a white robe and told to rest a little longer, until the number of their fellow servants and their brothers should be complete, who were to be killed as they themselves had been." (ESV) God will honor both their faith and their deaths. The last part of that passage seizes this grandma heart of mine. It indicates there will be more deaths of believers who bear witness of Jesus. It could be me or you or those we love.

A part of me prays for my loved ones' protection, and another part of me prays that God will instill in them and in me a faith so strong we could stand firm and say, "Yes!" even while looking down the barrel of gun.

The faith of martyrs in precious to God. It stands in the Faith Hall of Fame with-- the faith of Abel and his acceptable sacrifice, the faith of Enoch who never saw death, the faith of Noah and his life-saving ark, the faith of the nomadic Abram, the faith of Sarah and little "Laughter" who suckled her post-menopausal breast, the faith of Isaac and blessings he spoke over Jacob and Esau, the faith of Joseph and his bones returned to Israel to wait for the resurrection, the faith of Moses and the first born Hebrew children who escaped death by keeping the first Passover, and the faith of Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel and the prophets all of which conquered kingdoms, enforced justice, received promises, stopped mouths of lions, quenched power of fire, escaped death, or became made mighty warriors despite plaguing weaknesses, and the women who received back their dead by resurrection.

It remains a mystery why one's faith results in a miracle and another's faith results in death. But we know God notices faith. He saw the martyrs Umpqua and He cared. By their testimony they showed that God is real, that God saves, and that this life is not all there is. The enemy would have us believe he won that day and that their deaths prove that God doesn't care. But, the truth is because of their faith the enemy has lost yet another battle in the war he has waged on God.

I will be praying for those who lost sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, sisters, teachers, or friends. I long for God to fill them with His peace and His love. I long for Him to make His presence very real as they grieve their losses--the loss of people, the loss of a sense of safety, the loss of future holidays, graduations, weddings, children and grandchildren.  I pray that they would be able to work through their anger and fully forgive, not because the shooter deserves it, but because they want to honor the faith of their loved ones and the God of which they testified. I pray that in spite of the deep pain they experience they will be able to eventually reconnect to joy. I pray they will be surrounded by people who understand grief, who won't rush them or speak wounding platitudes to them.

I wonder if there might be victims who denied their faith to preserve their lives. I fear that if there were some, they might bear much shame. Some will say they could not have been "real" believers because they denied the faith, but I suggest that Peter's story tells us something very different. He denied Christ three times in one night and the Lord Himself sought him out and restored his calling. If some denied Him, I pray their faith would be strengthened and their shame transformed. We can all learn from their stories just like we learn from Peter's. God can use this event to strengthen their faith--just as He used Peter's cowardice to help him become a humble preacher who went on to preach some of the most powerful sermons ever voiced in the face of great adversity. Our God never  gives up on His children.

Finally, I pray for us who believe and still live--that we would be strengthened by the testimony of the witnesses in Umpqua whose testimonies included the giving of their lives--that we might live with hearts fully devoted to Christ. I desire for others to see our "Yes!" by our words, by our actions, by our attitudes, by our lives, by our deaths, and by our loving obedience to Jesus, who gave His own life for us.