The Rape of a Princess

I've been reading Diane Langberg's new book, Suffering and the Heart of God: How Trauma Destroys and Christ Restores. One of the chapters in the book discusses the relationship between shame and trauma. In this chapter, Diane shared several examples of how people inflict shame on one another. One story was from Pakistan, one from a US city ghetto, one of a little girl considered to be "southern poor white trash," and one from a missionary school on an Indian reservation. The last example was from the story found in 2 Samuel 13. It is a story of King David's children, Ammon and his half-sister, Tamar.

This is one of the hardest Bible stories emotionally for me to read, because it evokes so many emotions. I was a teenager when I first read it and didn't realize the Bible was a story of redemption. I thought the Bible contained stories of people who had somehow arrived at some level of goodness and this story didn't match that false belief. As I read the story the first time, shame flooded my soul as confusions filled my mind. I came to understand that the Bible was about people just like you and me--people born in sin, people harmed by sin, people struggling to forgive sin perpetrated against them, and people struggling with sin that they were passing down from one generation to the next. As I reread the story today, it still stirs this heart of mine because bits of her story are my story and because I work with women who stories are even more similar to hers. As a result, I have seen first hand the wounding inflicted by abuse and rape and seen the impact it has had on their lives.

I believe Tamar's story begins with David's story. He abused his power as King to have sex with Bathsheba. That statement may bother some because we weren't taught that in Sunday School. We were taught she was immodest woman who caused him to lust. But the truth is that at that time, in that culture people bathed on roofs. David watched her bathe and requested her presence and in those days women had no rights and would not have had the choice to say no to a king. To deny him could have resulted in her death. The king killed her husband because she got pregnant and then he married her and brought her into his home along with a few other women over the course of time. So Tamar and Ammon grew up in a "multi-stepfamily" situation.

As often happens when people sin, the door for sinful influence carries over to the next generation. His son Ammon followed in his footsteps and began to lust after a woman who was not his to have. The woman he wanted was his half-sister, Tamar. However, God's law forbade marriage and sexual relationships between siblings. He lusted after her so much that he felt sick. Their cousin helped Ammon formulate a plan so he could have access to his sister. According to the plan Ammon went to bed, feigning illness and David came to visit. Ammon requested David send Tamar to him to prepare him food. I can't understand why David would have thought Ammon needed Princess Tamar to come and fix him a meal when he had servants. Yet, he sent her there.  

Tamar goes and begins to bake and I'm sure as she kneaded the cakes, Ammon watched her and his lust grew with her every move. When the cakes were done, she put them in front of him, But watching her and having her close wasn't enough to satisfy the hunger of his lust. He  ordered  everyone to leave and asked her to bring the food to his bedroom and feed him. When she came close He grabbed her by the arm, asking her to lay with him. She assertively tells him, "No!" She reminds  him that his request was not lawful and that it was a shameful thing that he was requesting. As he gets pushier, she asks him to ask their Dad for her hand, but he refuses. Instead, he rapes her. In the aftermath, when he saw her hurt and he felt his shame rising in his chest, his lust turned into hatred and he ordered her to be thrown out. The grieving princess left, tearing her royal clothes. In that one sinful  act, his shame was inflicted upon her. She was robbed of her innocence, her chance of marriage, her chance of ever having a family, and her chance of royalty.

The are several acts of betrayal in the story. First, is Ammon's obsessive lust and his sense of entitlement to have his lust satisfied through incest and rape. One would expect a brother to be one of her protectors, one of the men teaching her what men of God were to be like. I believe her reminder of what God had said caused him to feel the shame that lust always brings and he avoided the shame with anger--the anger that fueled the rape. Ammon had a selfish, evil heart and a complete disregard for his sister's welfare, integrity, and future.

Second, the plan that gave birth to the rape was conceived by a cousin who also had no regard for the princess. What happened to godly accountability? What happened to godly reminders of God's plans and desires for his chosen people? What happened to the confrontation that might have drawn Ammon to the heart of God instead of deeper into sinful lust?

Third, is Ammon's hatred that was birthed in the aftermath of his actions. Even our culture tolerates a lack of integrity among men and acts as if they are victims of their hormones. While sexual desire is God-given, lust is born in the heart of prideful men who believe they're entitled to ogle women, abuse them, demand sex for dates, and then rape them when they don't get what they want. What happened to the belief that real men control their urges, enter into covenant marriages, foster emotional intimacy, love unconditionally, and celebrate love and commitment with sex? Our culture, like Ammon's, tends to victimize victims by placing the shame of rape and abuse on women who were victimized. Who hasn't heard that if a woman dressed more modestly, wasn't drinking, wasn't out late, wasn't in that place at that time, she wouldn't have been raped? Or who hasn't heard of women being told their husbands wouldn't have a pornography issues if they were prettier or if they were doing more to satisfy their mates? But the truth is: there is no way to satisfy the lust residing in an evil heart. 

Fourth is the way David responded to the rape of his daughter. I hate it that he didn't protect Tamar by telling Ammon to eat the food his own servants prepared. I hate it that when he heard about the rape, he chose to do nothing, deepening Tamar's belief that she was shameful. I also hate it that David remained silent. There were so many things she needed to hear from her father, but didn't. Why couldn't he have told her she was still beautiful, still loved, still cherished, and that her victimization was not caused by something defective in her? When I read the story I long for David rise up and turn things around in his broken family.

I can't help but wonder, if David had made different choices before or in the aftermath of Tamar's rape, if he might not have altered the course of history for generations of women in the Middle East. Diane shared a story of a young Jordanian girl who conceived a baby when she was raped by a friend of her father's who stayed in their home. Her brother and father shot her 8 times to alleviate the family shame of her rape. Is it possible that David, had he chosen to take a stand as King and teach  people to value and care for women, could have been a catalyst that would have impacted the way women are viewed in the Middle East today?

And what about us? We, too, lose sight of the fact that the choices we make have the potential to affect our families for generations to come. The contempt we carry for genders, racial groups, and for the impoverished will be exhibited even more strongly in future generations, unless we learn to love people the way Jesus did. The judgments we make to conceal our own shame and hide our own failures will be even harsher when we hear them coming out of the mouths of future generations, unless we push through shame and walk in the humility of grace. The criticisms we spout out of a sense of entitlement will sound even more critical when our children and grandchildren speak them, unless we learn to be givers instead of takers . The passivity we use in dealing with our own sin and corporate sin whether out of laziness or out of fear will become more prominent in the next generation, unless we choose to quit being passive. There is not an action or choice we take or don't take that isn't going to have a generational impact. We will never be perfect, but if we draw near to the heart of God we will be compelled towards right, confess failures quickly, and walk humbly as we seek to rectifying our wrongs. We will be people who speak truth as we extend grace.

We can't expect fallen people like David to be perfect. However, there are many times he had the opportunity to stand as a man, a husband, a father, and a King--stand in a way that could have turned people back to God and promoted healing in the hearts of wounded souls. Maybe it's time we stand for sexual integrity and  gender respect! Maybe it's time we own our own sin and do what ever it takes to move back toward the heart of God! Maybe it's time we recognize victimization and place responsibility on perpetrators where it rightfully belongs! Maybe it's time for us to realize we have the potential in Christ to be different in this world that desperately needs different! I don't want to be complicit or passive when it comes to victimization, I want to be brave and I want to be a person who is used by God to facilitate godly change. Maybe, just maybe, Tamar's suffering won't be in vain if we can learn these valuable lessons from her story.    

 

Love Those Mighty Oaks!



I started attending church with friends in grade school. I wasn't familiar with church lingo and what I heard often raised questions, which I would boldly ask in Sunday School. I now realize that some of those questions probably made teachers uncomfortable. For example, one Christmas I asked what a virgin was. The teacher hesitated and then mumbled that it meant Mary was a good girl. In high school when I was reading the Christmas story in the Bible the truth of what a virgin really is hit me.  As I read, I struggled with doubt, because I knew virgins don't have babies. This created guilt because I had never doubted before. As I continued reading I was able to reason that God doesn't lie so the story had to be true. A host of other questions whirled through my head---questions like did she sense the conception or did she simply wake up one day with morning sickness. 

 

Needless to say, I began to read the Bible with new eyes and a questioning mind. This lead to new a understanding of what the Bible was about, but it also lead to many more questions. I discovered other confusing stories in the Old Testament. Stories of people who were liars, and murders. I also found stories of unfaithfulness in marriages and unfaithfulness in people's relationships with God. I secretly wondered how much wrong had to be done to be too disgraceful for God to redeem. And of courses there was the problem of my own failures and my own sins, both open and secret that left me wondering if I was truly saved. I felt guilty all of the time--guilty for what I thought about when I read and guilty for the sinfulness that dwelt within me. 

 

After I was married, we moved to Mississippi and sat under a pastor-teacher who taught the Bible verse by verse and who was energized by questions. For eight years I got to hear his teaching and ask all my questions and discuss the Scriptures with him and with other believers. It was there that I fully understood the significance of the virgin birth and believed the truth of the God-man, Christ. In that church I made peace with many of the stories in the Bible. I also changed my view about the Bible. I had mistakenly believed people in the Bible were good and earned their Salvation and God's love. But, I came to understand the concept of grace and the concept that the Bible as a redemption story. Even though the doctrine is complete and provides all that we need to know, redemption stories are still being penned in the lives of people to this day by God Himself.

I fell in love with the Savior who saved me by grace through faith. I became grateful for grace that
was big enough to save liars, murderers, prostitutes, and unfaithful people who just like me had visible sins and hidden sins of the heart. I fell in love with the Savior who is in the business of transforming broken and sinful people into the people He created them to be--people who reflect His loving image to a lost and dying world.

I wish I could say I've made peace with every story in the Word. But I can't. There's one story in particular that haunts me every time I read it. When I read it, a strange mix of compassion, rage, and frustration rise up within me--emotions so strong that I want to scream. The story I am talking about is the story of Ammon and Tamar. They are siblings who share a common father, King David. But they don't have the same mother. Their story is found in 2 Samuel 13:1-22. It begins with a description of Ammon's lust for his virgin sister, Tamar. She lived in her mother's home and as was the custom she was kept in seclusion as a King's daughter. So, he had no access to her. His lust was so strong for her that he literally became ill.

That makes me angry! It's not because he experiences lust, but because he doesn't deal with it. Men given to lustful patterns don't seem to grasp that lust isn't love and lust doesn't make a man a man. Confessing and dealing with lust as it surfaces and choosing to do what is right in the face of it is what makes a man great. Choosing to treat a woman with honor in the face of lust shows godly strength, not giving into lust and pining away longing for what's not rightfully theirs to have.

Ammon's cousin Jonadab comes to visit. He's a crafty guy who noticed Ammon's  melancholy state and asked about it. Ammon confessed his lust to him and Jonadab devised a plan that gave Ammon access to Tamar.

That raises my anger a couple of notches! The last thing Ammon needed to do was share his struggle with someone known to be conniving! And the last thing Ammon needed was for someone to encourage his lust! What happened to reminding a friend of laws forbidding such relationships? What happened to an offer of accountability? What happened to the reminder that wrongful actions as a king's son would have far reaching consequences? What happened to the reminder that, as a brother, his was to protect and care for his beautiful sister? Is that really the best you two can do? 

Ammon carries out the plan by feigning illness and asking King David, to send his sister Tamar with food. David complies.

Oh, Come on, David? I am sure you could have sent a servant instead! Why would you comply to such a request?

She arrived with food and Ammon orders everyone to leave. He called her to bring the food into his chambers so she could feed him.

When I read that part, everything in me is screaming, "Don't do it.!"

As she came close to him with the food he grabbed her arm and asked her to lie with him. She says, "No!" in every possible way. She directly stated her "NO! verbally. She resisted him physically. She reminded him that to take her by force would be rape and should not be done. She called it "a disgraceful thing that should not be done in the land," which served to remind him of the prior rape of Dinah and the consequences Israel faced. She even appealed to him to talk to the king about marrying her. Ignoring her pleas, he brutally raped her.

My anger has just about hit the top!

As so often happens in the aftermath of sin, Ammon's lust gave way to hatred fueled by shame and her pain. Ammon orders Tamar to leave. She pleas for him to make it right and marry her and he angrily has his servant cast her out.

She returned home to sit in his shame. She puts ashes on her head and tears the royal garment that had marked her as a virgin and stored it away. She sat in her grief. She grieved her disgrace. She grieved her pain. She grieved the loss of relationship that was now marred by rape. She grieved a wedding that would not ever take place. She grieved the loss of trust in men. She grieved the loss of a sense of self as her personal boundaries were denied and her choices were not honored. She grieved the hope of the longings of the loving married sex Solomon had written about and she grieved all else that was stripped away by brutal force.

Another brother, Absalom, came to visit her and asks about the events that took place at Ammon's. He was compassionate, offering her a home and protection. He tells her not to take it to heart, not realizing rape had already ripped gaping holes in her heart--holes not easily repaired. He doesn't speak to Ammon, but later takes revenge.

There are twelve words in the story that make me the angriest of all!

Those words are, "When King David heard all of these things, he became very angry."

The mighty warring king all of a sudden becomes a weak spineless man in the face of the disgrace that took place in his own home? 

There is nothing in the story that tells us that he confronted his son. There is nothing in the story that tells us that he carried out any type of justice on the behalf of Tamar. And even worse, there is nothing in the story that tells us that he went to his daughter and comforted her. I long to hear him confront Ammon.

I long to hear him take action on her behalf. I long to hear him comfort her and tell her she is still his beautiful beloved daughter. I long to hear him apologize that he had unknowingly taken part in such an evil plan. I long to hear him tell that Ammon's shame is not hers to bear and to give her an opportunity with his help to hand it back to him. I long to see him tell her that he will carry out justice on her behalf. I long for more. I long for more, not just for her, but for every other woman victimized by abuse. But there was nothing more said of the action of David's first born son!

I am also very frustrated!

We are told that she lived her life in Absalom's home in a desolate state. The word desolate indicates she lived in a bleak emptiness, wretched and unhappy. It should not have ended there. The verses in Isaiah 61:1-3 convey to us what God desires for his people. They state, "The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor, He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion--to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD that he may be glorified!" 

These are the verses God gave me as He gave me the vision of a ministry for women who struggle with past sexual abuse. They come into our groups because they're stuck in the pain of their past and it is governing their lives in some way. Some come in to work on stuff for the first time and others because the work they did wasn't enough. Some come in because they have been labeled and lead to believe they'll never ever get better because their core beliefs are so entrenched their emotions, thoughts  and actions have begun to affect their personality. They were essentially told the most they could ever be is a shadow of who God created them to be...kind of like being a bent tree in a forest full of tall strait trees.

The women who walk into our groups are poor in the sense they are needy. They need to be heard. They need to have their stories validated. They need to be shown the way out of the abyss they are living in. They need to be deeply, profoundly loved in their pain and dysfunction. They are broken hearted by what was done to them and what was said to them or not said to them in the aftermath. They are captive to their past and captive to the lies of the enemy seeking to keep them from fully loving and trusting Jesus--the very One who can heal hearts, give hope, and make sense of painful stories. They need to know they have found favor with God and that the vengeance is perfectly meted out by His hands. They need to fully face their pain and go through a season of grief with others who understand and who can help them wash away the ashes of grief and the ashes of their dysfunctional lives. They need to sit with others who can teach them to focus on what is praise worthy so that their spirits would be strengthened and their hearts healed. They need to believe that the Lord is placing a beautiful headdress--a crown befitting His princesses and clothing them in His goodness. They need to know that God has not called them to live as weak bent over trees, but as oaks...mighty oaks, planted with His love and His power. They need healing so He can be glorified by their redemption stories. Most of the women come stuck because of strongholds that have taken root. But the truth is there is not a root that God's truth cannot destroy. The women don't have to live as shadows of what God created them to be. They can live full, productive, joyful lives. I don't care how strong the strongholds are, our God is stronger yet.

As I write this, I write with a heavy heart. While most people look forward to Super Bowl weekend, I find myself grieving. It is one of the heaviest weekends in the year for sex trafficking. More and more is coming out about sex trafficking. What was once called lightly, "the oldest profession" is being exposed as a sick, disgusting, degrading business in which young girls and women find themselves entrapped, kidnapped, drugged, and controlled so that others profit off of their bodies. I am asking you to join with me in asking God to provide all that is needed for victims to escape their perpetrators, for all the loved that is needed for survivors healing, and for all the patience that is needed for their growth in Him. Pray that He would display His power by releasing captives and  by growing them into might oaks that are a display His splendor for the world to see.