What I Wish I Knew When I First Got Married

For months I have been wanting to write a post on marriage. I attempted it and just could not write it. Then I saw a real posted by TBN on Facebook that opened my eyes and my heart to what God might have me say. So, I changed my topic to what I wish I knew when I first got married.  

The reel I saw was of a panel of women where Kristi Mcclelland was sharing that the first two words used to describe a woman is found in Genisis 2:18, a verse that I was very familiar with. It says, "I will make a helper suitable for him." What I didn't know what that the words in Hebrew for "helper suitable" is "ezer kenegdo" In our culture a helper is often seen as a person of less importance, lower status, less educated, and who has less ability than the one who is being aided. In other words, a subservient person. But "ezer" in Hebrew means helper, aide, strength. Kristi shared that ezer is a strong word, carrying the connotation of strengthening someone in ways that they cannot strengthen themselves. She also shared that the word "ezer" has also been used by God to describe himself in His relationship to Israel. I love that because we would never describe God as subservient to Israel. God did help, aid, and strengthen Israel in ways that Israel could not do for herself. 

Had my husband and I known that the first word God used to describe a woman was a word that God used to describe Himself, I believe we would have approached marriage in a different way. I believe my husband would have come into our marriage understanding that God never meant for him even as a leader to feel the full weight of making our marriage work. If he had understood that God was providing a person to help, aide, or strengthen him in ways he could not do himself, he might not have struggled with feelings shame when life, marriage, family life, or job left him feeling powerless. Maybe he would have been more open to letting me in on the hard he was faced with. 

Had I understood this concept myself, I would have protected my heart to focus on this role. I believe I would have used my voice more confidently to encourage my husband, instead of second guessing my right to speak. Had I fully understood God's calling, I might have trusted the wisdom He was giving me and looked for gentle loving ways to impart that to man. When I look back at some of the times my husband was facing hard stuff, I realize I missed opportunities to provide what he could not provide for himself, especially when my husband was being reviled for good and moral decisions he made. 

Josh Howerton, Senior Pastor, of Lakepointe Church, shared a story from his marriage that reflects what I am trying to convey. Josh, as s conservative pastor, has a strong social media presence. and he shared he had really big feelings the first time he got "cancelled" because he had spoken ttruth and he wondered if he would be able to support his family and continue his ministry. When he came into his house that evening, he was greeted by his children at the door who loved on him. Then as he entered the kitchen, he could see candles lit and the table beautifully set. He could smell his favorite meal cooking and asked his wife what was going on. She quoted Matthew 5:11, "Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is in heaven, for so the persecuted the prophets who were before you."  She then grinned at him and said, "Tonight we are celebrating!" Josh's wife provided encouragement, comfort, and aide to her husband in the same way God did Israel. 

I also believe that had I understood early in our marriage this crucial role to which I was called, I would have been more focused on fulfilling that role than judging how my husband was leading our family. I have a learned over the years that when I feel afraid, unsafe, or uncertain, my natural tendency is to become hypercritical of people or situations and believe that included my husband. Understanding God's design of the "ezer kenegdo" role, would have helped me overcome feelings of powerlessness from which that' critical spirit protected me and allow me the freedom to proactively look for ways to aid, support, and build up my husband in ways he could not do for himself. That would have allowed him to better lead and navigate the hard situations he faced.

Had I understood the "ezer kenegdo" role early in our marriage, I might have embraced more fully the reality of the messiness of marriage relationships. In every place we have lived we have been blessed with people who rooted for our marriage in the same way we rooted for theirs. Yet, I wonder if the fear of the messiness sometimes steered us at times to care more about the appearances of good marriages, than honestly doing the rewarding work it takes to build marriages God desires for us. Oh, that we would all become people who recognize we can through an "ezer knegdo" role encourage, aid, and support others in ways they can't do for themselves. And in that we can help one another build marriages that don't just last; they satisfy souls and reflect to the world the Father's heart towards us.

The "what I wish I knew when I first got married" leaves me curious about why I didn't discover the meaning of "helper suitable" earlier in life. But long ago I learned to trust God's wisdom and love and wonder if maybe He revealed these things to this gray-haired soul specifically at this time when so many people have such distorted views of our God and of the beauty of Christian marriages. I can't help but love how God's goodness always shines through His truth.   

  

The Death of Marriage

The marriage relationship is an interesting, but complicated relationship. It can be a source of both great joy and deep pain. My husband and I met in college, quickly fell in love, got engaged, and got married within eight months. The extent of our premarital counseling was a pastor telling me he knew we loved each other, but he didn't think I had a realistic picture of marriage. Because I was a compliant person, I nodded, smiled in agreement, but thought "We will always love each other!" 

After we got married and graduated from college, my husband went on to get two more degrees. During my third pregnancy, I woke up with a man in our bedroom touching me. My husband woke up and chased him out of the house. But that intruder kept on intruding through flashbacks. I developed PTSD and couldn't sleep. When I did sleep, I woke up screaming. When I was touched unexpectedly, I screamed blood curdling screams that scared all of us. We didn't realize the abuse I had experienced earlier in life and a car accident in which there was a death had set me up for what I was experiencing with this new trauma. 

I didn't know the man I had married had been raised by a mother who suffered with mental illness and had at some point vowed that he wouldn’t marry "crazy." And screaming at a man who was no longer there, and screaming at little children who looked to me for safety looked “crazy” to him. What I needed most in that scary irrational time was to be taken in his arms and hugged and comforted, but I was met with his tendency to withdraw and anger—an anger that covered his big fear that I might end up just like her. He needed reassurance that I was okay and would not end up in a mental hospital like his mom, but neither of us could give the other what was needed. During that time, we both grieved the loss of the marriage we thought we would always have.

Recently, our pastors preached a sermon series on marriage. During one of the sermons I was triggered and I felt volcano type anger rising. Everything the pastor said, I agreed with. He and I have even talked about collaborating on a marriage book. Yet, I was seething inside. I realized later that the anger came from remembering a time I had gone through a conflict at church and had been encouraged by leaders not to use my voice. Being told to take personal responsibility instead of blaming in marriage felt like that time to me. It was also triggering because it resurfaced the frustration I felt early in marriage of wanting to have a marriage that reflected Christ and in our brokenness feeling stuck and unable to get there. We were stuck because we had many misconceptions about the role of submission and leadership, and I felt I lost my voice and ceased to be the person God created me to be to be a “good wife.” 

It also came from the baggage we both brought to our marriage—baggage that we were afraid and/or unwilling to unpack. The sermon was on personal responsibility and I had tried so hard to take responsibility in our marriage, but that in and of itself didn't take away the pain we both experienced and didn’t fix the dysfunctions with which we were struggling. That took a lot of time in Christian therapists’ offices after which we began to move forward slowly--so slowly. I began to find out who Christ created me to be and to heal from the wounds with which I had come to our marriage. Dysfunction is still something with which we struggle because those patterns were deeply entrenched. Yet, we just celebrated our 43rd anniversary--43 years of really, really good and 43 years of really, really hard. Forty-three years I wouldn't change for the world.

As I listened to the sermon, I prayed about the anger I was feeling and a picture popped into my head. It was a picture of an old wooden coffin. On the front of the coffin was a sign with the word Marriage calligraphed on it. The lid was on the coffin and there were some large railroad nails already pounded into it and there were other nails laying on top with a hammer, just waiting to be hammered in. I could see words etched into nails and I realized those were the things killing our marriages.

One nail had the words "marriage redefined" on it. When God designed marriage, it was to reflect His covenant with His people and that covenant was born of love and demonstrated through the sacrifice of Jesus. Marriage is to be a covenant relationship in which agape love drives each to give fully and sacrificially, sealing the covenant with a sexual union. Our culture has redefined marriage into a contract relationship. The difference is that a contract says, “You give me what I want, when I want it and I will love you” and vise versa. This creates a strong fear of the possibility of abandonment and a flurry of activity driven by fear, which gets expressed in anger, frustration, control, depression, and withdrawing. The contract kills trust, transparency, and grace and has contributed to serial monogamy that has become rampant in our culture and churches.  

What many don't understand is that God designed marriage not just to reflect His covenant, but to also provide a proving ground for sanctification. It is the place where sin can’t go undetected, for even dark, sinful secrets have symptoms. It is the place where selfishness, self-absorption, pride, uncontrolled anger, defense mechanisms, and self-protective actions get exposed. As we work through issues and confront one another those these things usually get resolved and changed over time. If we divorce, those things remain and can become the nails in the next marriage as well. Sometimes those things nail shut the coffin on not just one marriage, but two, three, four, five, or more. 

Another nail that goes along with this is a lack of commitment. Both our families had several divorces and we soon realized we had to take the "D" word out of our vocabulary because it was an extreme trigger for both of us. When people live under that threat, there is no safety in the relationship and people become fearful of being real, of asking each other for prayer, and of confessing their faults to one another. It makes them feel like they have to be perfect and they aren’t so they either were a mask to cover imperfections or they just give up and withdraw, refusing to change. 

There were several other nails clumped together. Those nails were premarital sex, extramarital sex, pornography, perverted sex, sex for hire, and masturbation. Sex was designed by God to seal the covenant of marriage. He designed it in such a way that chemicals are released in the body during orgasm that help a couple bond emotionally to one another. Every time a couple has sex, they are renewing their vows and creating a stronger bond. When those nails get hammered into a marriage, it destroys that process. Sex outside of marriage causes guilt and shame, which kills love. When people have multiple partners, use porn, or masturbation they move away each other and from loving and serving each other to self-serving gratification, killing the physiological process of bonding.  

There were other nails on that coffin--nails that included domestic violence, overt control, power-over relationships, toxic shame, contempt, addictions, untreated mental illness, physical illnesses, impatience, and ungodly speech. Many of which come out of unresolved pain and anger, sin-filled hearts, and a misunderstanding of God's design for marriage. For sake of space, I will only address words. Only 7 percent of communications is conveyed through words. The rest is through facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice. We can wound each other through all of those avenues. We have all heard the expression, "If looks could kill, I would be dead!" Who wants to move toward someone who gives dirty looks and eye rolls? Those looks on a repeated basis are unnerving. They break trust, hammering away at the heart of the other. And when one balls a fist and hits the other hand while speaking, or stands over them as they verbally assault them or call them horrible names, or come up behind them and whispers threats in the ear only they can hear—it strikes fear in the heart, breaks trust, destroys bonds, and kills the soul. And the words themselves they can be hateful and biting, literally tearing a heart to shreds. When is isolated and only hears that they are ugly, stupid, ignorant, too much, not good enough, crazy, and they will begin to believe it.  

We may not realize the absence of words can also kill a marriage. That takes place when someone arrogantly refuses to say anything kind, loving, and gracious, exhibiting anger through passive aggression. We are told that we are to encourage each other and build each other up. We have been instructed to love one another. Husbands have been instructed to treat wives with honor and wives to treat their husbands with respect. Overtime the lack of honoring, respect, and love can starves a marriage to death. This is because it starves hearts of the love they were designed to give and receive. Some of the word nails might seem insignificant, but we can destroy marriage one word at a time. 

We are created with a great big God-shaped hole in our hearts and we often come to marriage, trying to get the other to fill the hole only God can fill. But as the body of Christ, could it not be that God may use a spouse to fill a part of that hole? And if that is so, why would we not want to bless the person God has called us to love. We are instructed to have covenant marriages and instructed on how to love inside that covenant, why would we refuse to love well and refuse to deal with the sin in our lives? When we refuse to do so, do we not perpetrate the worst kind of abuse--spiritual abuse? I know I don't want to abuse the covenant God designed and I don’t want to take advantage of God's grace by making my spouse feel unloved and stuck in a miserable marriage. I want to do my best to love well.

I do know there are marriages in which spouses are committed to stay true to the covenant of marriage and they are married to a person not willing or able to take their responsibility seriously. The committed spouse will live in a state of grief because they desire the marriage to reflect God's glory and they know it doesn’t. There are some that are grieving because they know or sense their marriage bed is defiled by others or by pornographic images burned in the mind of a spouse. They will have to battle lies the enemy speaks over their pain either through their own mind or through others who don’t understand the nature of porn and sex addiction and tell them they just need to try harder so their spouse will behave. Please don't just try to suck it up. Get help. You don’t have to suffer in silence or wear a mask that belies pain you feel. God wants each one of us to fight for marriage! I long for churches to get educated about these things and then get involved by confronting the porn epidemic along with a lack of people committed to working on themselves and their marriages.  

I have found a lot of marriage books through the years that helped me hold on to hope in our rough patches. Bill and Pam Farrell have several that are fun to read—Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti and Marriage Whirlwind for starters. Other authors that write on a more serious note Ed Wheat—Love Life for Every Married Couple, Timothy Keller—The Meaning of Marriage, and Christopher and Rachel McClusky—When Two become One. Gary Thomas' book, Sacred Marriage. 

We want to be humble and learn to love well and to relate to each other in ways that create safety so we can grow. God never intended us to just survive marriage, He wants us to flourish in both the good and the hard so we become all He created us to be and enjoy true intimacy. I am a better person for having married my husband. I came to our marriage, making it all about me and God has used our rough spots to build my faith in Him, to expose my sin and selfishness, and to expose the wounds I needed to have healed. He showed me my own tendency to wound another and that was not easy. I will continue working on that until the day I die. 

Marriage isn't a short-term commitment or a curse to be endured. It is a beautiful covenant designed by an infinitely wise God who desires to fulfill His glory in His people to show the world what His love is like--committed, sacrificial, constant, edifying, and, yes, at times even confrontational. Marriage done His way satisfies the human heart’s desire.

As I drove home the day I saw the picture of the coffin in my head, I realized the source of those nails was the Enemy who wants to destroy God's image in us and in our marriages. It occurred to me we have to decide daily to refuse to hammer those nails in. Instead of fighting each other, we can choose to fight the one seeking to destroy us. Instead of hammering those nails in the coffin, why don't we put on humility and begin to take out the nails we already hammered. God can resurrect our marriages to be all He wants them to be. We don’t have to change partners to change our marriage when we choose to act out of who God says we are and choose to love and honor as Jesus does.

Surviving a Culture Full of Counterfeits

One of our teaching pastors, Brent Van Elswyk, recently taught a sermon on marriage. It was so full of truth and insight that it has taken me over a week to get up the courage to begin to process some of what he said in the sermon. I encourage you to listen to his sermon by clicking on the link below. A lot of what I will share in this post is from his sermon.

Lately I have been wrestling with how to live, as a believer in this non-Christian culture we live in. I know I am to speak the truth, but I have been convicted that I am to speak it in a way that makes it palatable. I want to be sure when someone rejects the gospel, that they are rejecting the gospel itself, not my presentation of it. I have also felt some confusion about I am to speak the truth and show grace at the same time. After hearing the pastor's sermon I've come to a couple of conclusions that I have relieved me of some anxiety. First, speaking the truth and showing grace aren't mutually exclusive; they actually go hand in hand. Jesus modeled this through out the gospels. The only people He ever spoke harshly to, were religious leaders who pretended they were something they weren't and who were placing on others a works salvation that could not save.

The second conclusion I came to was that the ability to do both things simultaneously flows naturally from a deep, personal relationship with Jesus. Having an intimate relationship with Jesus requires  I fully understanding the depth of my sin and my need of His lavish grace. It requires that I embrace the fact of His all-consuming, sacrificial love and His payment for my sin. The more time I spend with Him, the more His character and nature "rubs off" on me, allowing me to bear more and more of His image. When I was thinking about what His image looks like I settled on John 1:14, "And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth." As I become more intimately acquainted with the Savior, I'll be filled with His truth and with His grace.

God's creation and design of marriage is a good place to illustrate how living in an ungodly culture plays out. Marriage was established and designed by God on the sixth day of Creation. In Genesis 1:26 God said, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness." Notice the pluralistic language--it is referring to the trinity, revealing relationship of the triune God who exists in three persons and, yet, is One. God then paraded animals in front of Adam, awakening in him the desire for a horizontal relationship. He created Eve from Adam's rib. They were the same, but they were  also very different. One was male and one was female, not accidentally, but by God's design. Together they reflected an even more complete picture of God as image bearers. This is because their relationship was designed to reflect the relationship of the trinity. Right away marriage was established between the two. Genesis 2:24-25 states: "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed." They had an intimate satisfying relationship between them and with their Creator and their sexual union sealed the covenant of marriage, providing an intimate bonding, giving them pleasure, and giving them the ability to procreate.

But along came the deceiver. A sneaky of snake who was seeking to destroy what God designed. He came and essentially offered them a counterfeit religion. He did this by casting doubt on God's provisions and God's character. He did this by causing them to doubt their identity as God's image bearers, promising something better that he wasn't even capable of giving. Third, he deceived them into thinking there would be no consequences for the choices they made. Oh, the Serpent--he lured them in with his deceit. Deceived, they took his bait. Discontentment rose up in their hearts and they beheld the God-forbidden fruit and desire gave way to prideful entitlement. And they chose the counterfeit and ate.

They were immediately filled with shame and made clothes in an attempt to hide it. But leaves don't have the power to dissolve shame that wells up, causing a fear of exposure. Leaves don't have the power to clean away the stench of sin and the pride that burns within. Leaves don't have the power to resurrect spirit that has died. Leaves don't have the power to redeem.  

Ever since the fall, Satan has offered us all sorts of counterfeits. He has done this by trying to get us to redefine what God has designed. Sexual identity was designed and imprinted into each being by the Creator. Now the enemy is convincing people it is a fluid thing that and one can choose. He is convincing people to redefine marriage using a variety of counterfeits--counterfeits like common-law marriage that has no covenant to protect it, serial marriage in which people repeatedly marry and divorce, same sex marriages that don't have the ability to procreate, polygamy where a man has multiple wives, and there is even suggestion that marriage to children is the way to find happiness. Satan has even offered counterfeits of the sexual act itself. There is premarital sex, extramarital sex, hooking up, pornography, sexual abuse, rape, and sex trafficking. Satan claims sex is no big deal and solely for human pleasure. But any abuse survivor, including this one, will testify that sexual abuse isn't just a physical touch. Its a touch that runs deep all the way to the heart where the spirit and the soul reside. Sex was designed by God to be the "crazy glue" that bonds a man and a woman together. It is the union of two bodies that literally binds souls together.

Brent shared that there are three purposes in marriage. First, marriage was to reflect the relationship Christ has with the church. It is a relationship of choice, entered through a covenant, and sealed by a sexual union. In that covenant we see illustrations of commitment, faithfulness, service, and sacrificial love. In marriage we have the opportunity to make the invisible love of God visible. We have the opportunity to make the invisible commitment of faithfulness of God visible. We have the opportunity to make the relational aspect of God's character visible. God's design of marriage allows us to experience and display the image of God.

Second, marriage is an opportunity to display the gospel of grace. It is an intimate, vulnerable relationship between two people. Because of this our sin, our shame, our wounds, and our selfishness surface, revealing a deep need of grace, forgiveness, and unconditional love. This is played out as each grows to be like Jesus and learns to give love, to serve, to extend grace daily, and to forgive when it is needed. This exposure of our sin and need for grace is an iron sharpening iron process that causes growth and develops His character in us. God's grace is made visible when two people learn to extend grace to each other. His character is visible when they choose to serve when they would rather be served. It is visible when they choose to love when they might feel like hating. It is visible when they show respect when everything in them wants to be disrespectful. It is visible when they forgive when they want to hold a grudge. It is visible when unkindness is repaid with kindness.

Third, marriage is designed to give us a glimpse of heaven. This is hard to believe because we are such broken people and we love so imperfectly. Yet when there is obedience to God's design and each is owning their responsibility to love, to extend grace, to build the other up, and to bond through a sexual union their are huge rewards. These rewards consists of moments of joy, satisfaction, and a sense of fulfillment for which we were created. The shared glimpses of God-painted sunsets a couple enjoys, the bonding experience that takes place through the sexual union, the joy of unmerited kindnesses received, the satisfaction of serving another, the depth of intimacy achieved when our messy sinful selves are exposed and grace is given, the miracle of a new life conceived that bears the image of both parents as well of God, the comfort of a relationship that feels familiar, the risk of passion given, and the freedom of not hiding--these all portray glimpses of heaven and the future fulfillment of our love with Jesus.

So, the question we must ask as believers is, "How do we survive living in a culture full of counterfeits?"  First, we commit to going to the word to become familiar enough with the truth that we can recognize the counterfeits Satan is offering. We commit to courageously speaking the truth. Counterfeits create confusion and they devalue the real thing. Marriage was designed to tell a love story between God and His people. But, that design broke down during the fall. As a result, people have been deceived and wounded by counterfeits, not God's original design. We, as believers who are committed to the truth, can teach the truth both verbally and by example. We need to speak the truth! However, we need to do so with compassion. As transparent believers our sinfulness, brokenness, and shame are exposed. We will be more effective image bearers if we bathe our truth in compassion, recognizing that at the fall marriage became more about power and control than serving, more about personal gratification than glorifying God, more about lust than love. Counterfeits are nothing more than false promises that can't be fulfilled. They will never satisfy, they will only create deeper thirst that feels unquenchable. People need the truth, but it needs to be bathed in compassion because counterfeits always leave people wounded. Only God can satisfy the deepest needs of human hearts, not redefined sex, not redefined marriage, not reassigned genders.  

Lastly, we need to realize our culture is no different from Jesus' culture. Believers in His day spoke the Truth and both the message and the messengers were hated. They were imprisoned, tortured, burned at the stake, fed to lions, and crucified. Yet, their message prevailed, not through politics, governments, or armies but by the courageous power displayed in their spoken words. It takes courage and compassion to expose counterfeits to those deceived. It is not a task for the faint of heart. It takes a lot of love to be motivated to courageously and compassionately join God's work of exposing the counterfeits of darkness and extending His love and His grace through the gospel.  

If you enjoyed this post, you may also enjoy the Returning to the Beginning @ www.wendymahill.com

http://www.riverlakeschurch.org/index.php/watch-and-listen/sermons/wisdom-and-marriage 

Sports Cars can't Hone

"Iron sharpens iron, and one mans sharpens another."

Proverbs 27:17

The other night my husband and I were watching TV and a restaurant commercial came on. This company has used sex for several years to sell hamburgers. My husband surprised me by saying rather assertively, "And that is why I never go there!" His statement lead to a fun discussion about commercials.

We both agreed that companies that use sex to sell, aren't very creative. It is the easy go to, and probably works. We both admitted to liking humorous commercials, especially ones that contain spunky people in them. We also acknowledged that sentimental commercials usually keep us engaged and get an, "Awe...." from both of us. On a side note, I especially have a fondness for Hallmark commercials. It isn't because I necessarily like them. I typically think them a bit mushy, but they were the best pregnancy test on the market when I was having my babies. Before I would even know I was pregnant one of those commercials would come on TV and I would dissolve into tears. When the tears came, my husband would turn and look at me with big eyes and I would know, it was time to buy a pregnancy test. Every time it happened I was pregnant
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We noticed that over the years we liked commercials that portrayed the life stage we were currently in. As newly weds, commercials that showed engagements, weddings, or honey mooning couples appealed to us. A few years into marriage a coffee company put out a series of commercials about a couple who met over coffee and built a relationship. The series of commercials told the couple's love story over time. We both would stop what we were doing to watch those commercials when new ones came out. As we started having kids, commercials with cute kids  in them made us smile. After all who wouldn't be drawn to dancing kids or toddlers toddling in green socks? Then as our kids were leaving home the one commercial we both liked was a coffee commercial. A sister wakes up early to her big brother coming home for Christmas. They enjoy a quiet moment before mom and dad smell the coffee and come running down. Then when our sons went to war, any commercial with military families in it would tug on our hearts. Now it is the grandchildren and puppy commercials drawing our attention. 

After the conversation with my husband, I have been thinking about the science commercial making.  I am not against commercials. They serve a purpose in our economic world. Some are informative, some remind me I need to write something on the grocery list, and some help me decide to try a new product when I am not happy with one I am using. We also all know that many commercial are very misleading or full of lies.

The people who create commercials will make commercials that appeal to our senses, our emotions, or our desires. As a believer I was struck that the tactics they use are similar to the tactics of the Enemy listed in 1 John 2:16--the desires of the flesh, the desires of the eyes, and the pride of life. It didn't really surprise me in that we are ambassadors living in a world system in which the Enemy is very active. I think we could categorize commercial by these tactics and become wiser consumers. 

Recently I saw a commercial that evoked a strong angry response from me and it wasn't even a commercial using sex to sell. It was a car commercial that started out like the sentimental commercials I like. It showed all the cars a couple bought over the years for the different life stages they were in. Towards the end of the commercial the dad handed his car keys over to his daughter and she pulled out of the driveway. The camera then switched over to the dad pulling out of the garage in a little sports car with the commentator saying, "And the car that reminds you of you when you were you."

I admit they initially sucked me in, as we had to change cars several times as our family grew large. I even admit I initially lit up when I saw the sports car. I have wanted a red convertible sports car every since I was fifteen. In my mind, I pictured my hair blowing, the warm sun on my face, loud praise music playing as I sped over mountain curves. But I got married and we chose to put my husband through six years of graduate school. Then came five kids. A sports care wasn't financially feasible on a graduate students salary or very practical for a large family. And the reality is with a mild case of PTSD being in any car, much less a sports car with wind in my face isn't really fun for me. Not ever getting the sports car isn't what made me angry at the commercial; it was the lie that is in embedded in the comment that was made as the man drove off.

For you see, as a math major I could have gone on to graduate school and made quite a bit of money and gotten that little red sports car I thought I wanted at the time. But I chose marriage and marriage didn't make me less me. In fact, marriage brought out the best of me and the worst of me. It brought out in me a heart full of compassion and love for a man who had a very difficult childhood and who was told he wouldn't amount to much. Yet we got through school together and he graduated as Dr. Daddy, partly because I believed in him. When ever we hit rough spots in our marriage I look at his childhood pictures and remind myself that I am married to that cute little guy in coveralls and my pride melts and my love grows.

Being married exposed the ugly selfishness residing in my heart and my tendency to be self-centered. We both had to learn a lot about compromise and learning to set goals together. We had to learn to look at ourselves when conflict arose, because the other wasn't capable of making us angry, it was his selfishness bumping against my selfishness that did that. Nope, neither of us became less of ourselves, we became better selves because of what our relationship exposed and the lessons we learned from that exposure. I learned that a soft answer could truly turn away wrath, that love covered a multitude of sins, that grace is experienced the most in intimate relationships, and that some of the best confrontations are gentle ones. Marriage was that iron sharpening iron that God talks about in His word! I needed it badly!

By the time kids came along, I thought we had grown quite a bit and life would be smooth sailing. I was mistaken. I found having five kids did the same thing marriage did--it brought out the best in me and exposed the worst parts of me. I never felt more like who I was supposed to me than when I was pregnant and carried a moving being inside. I would sit for hours and watch the movements and connect with feet and fists. I have never been able to find words to describe how full of love my heart was and is when it comes to my kids (and my grandkids.) That love gave me what I needed to get up all night with crying kids, wipe snotty noses, clean stinky bottoms, wash away blood from wounds, scrub dirty bathrooms when little guys missed the pot, cook countless dinners, wash sink loads of dishes, wash and fold mountains of laundry, pray over sick children, referee squabbles, listen to endless chatter, hold kids with ear aches and asthma all night, and sit by a hospital bed for two weeks,

But it also brought out the worst in me. The time that a knick knack got broken and brought out my wrath. The times the angry voice came out of my mouth and lectured kids who couldn't even process all those words I thought I needed to say, The times I asked the kids how their day at school went and realized when I pulled into the drive way that I had tuned them out as they told me. The banquets I missed as I isolated myself due in the midst of an eating disorder. Believe me, I could go on and on and on. Having kids didn't make me less me. It exposed the ugly parts of me that needed to be transformed. It exposed the immature parts of me that needed to grow. Being a mom did not make me less of me, it made me more of who God created me to be. Having a sports car earlier in life would not have helped me be more of me. Having sports car now would not make me more me! A sports car could not do for me what being married and having children did. I confess I needed the iron sharpening iron of relationships to grow and become a better me and I needed all the grace I could get in that process.

The line in the commercial bothered me because our society is plagued by broken families. The kinds of statements in that commercial appeal to our pride and resemble the temptation in the garden that implies so subtly that something is missing if we don't have something. In my eyes, there is nothing more manly than a married man loving his wife with his words, his actions, and his sacrifice. There is nothing more manly than a man playing with his children, praying faithfully for them, disciplining them with love, and giving grace when they need it most. There is nothing more manly than a man who is worn out and feeling inadequate who wants to leave, but chooses to stay. And there is nothing more beautiful than a wife who respects her man. There is nothing more beautiful than a mom feeding a baby from her body. There is nothing more beautiful than a mom rocking a sick toddler all night long. There is nothing more beautiful than a mom taking her son on a dinner date. There is nothing more beautiful than a mom dancing with her daughter as if no one is watching. There is nothing more beautiful than a mom graciously cleaning up milk spilt by two brothers proving strength in an arm wrestling match. There is nothing more beautiful than a mom hugging a child who was dumped by the boy or girl who didn't deserve them any way. There is nothing more beautiful than a worn out mom who is tempted to run from the chaos of family, choosing to stay. Nothing! That is the stuff that real men and women are made of. They push through fear and selfishness and embrace the iron sharpening iron process. I am, I have always been, and I will always be fully me!

Take note car company. You might have sucked me in had you not ended the commercial on that note!

Marriage isn't for Sissys

"Wives submit to you own husbands, as to the Lord..

Now as the church submits to Christ,

so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Husbands, love you wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her...

In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.

He who loves his wife loves himself."

Ephesians 5:22-28

I was recently sitting in a meeting with a group of people discussing things our church could do to foster healthy marriages. I pointed out that our men's ministry was doing a Bible study for men on marriage. I was very excited about this because this is the first time I have ever heard of the men doing this kind of study on their own. Usually it is the women in the church who buy books on marriage, who discuss it with their friends,  or who drag their husbands to marriage conferences, hoping to learn how to have better marriage. One of the men jokingly said that maybe they would get a better turn out if they didn't advertise that the study was on marriage as he held up his hand in a feminine gesture. I know the guy was joking, but I was so irritated by the gesture and by his statement. Later I realized I was really irritated because there is probably truth to his statement.

As I have done research for different writing projects I've come across articles casting blame on the issue of men not rising to be spiritual leaders. Some articles indicated it was the women's lib movement that removed men from leadership. Some have said it is due to the harsh criticisms spouted by hurting, angry wives that left men too fearful to step up to their God-given role. Some have said it is technology and higher education that replaced the apprenticeships in which young teenaged boys learned a trade from grown men, which also allowed them to learn what it meant to be a man. Some have suggested it's the business of our culture and the long work hours preventing men from teaching sons how to be men. Some have suggested that it is the educational system that used methods of education that doesn't help young men to be strong men. Some have suggested it is due to the breakdown of the family unit that leaves dads less involved. Probably all of those things have played a part in the break down of male leadership, but I believe there is a whole lot more to it. Regardless of the reasons, we need to understand a profound truth--marriage isn't for sissies!

There are five reasons that marriage isn't for sissies. I believe our culture (including the church) has lost sight of the sacredness of marriage. Marriage wasn't invented by man, it was designed by God to reflect His love for the church and His relationship to her. Marriage was also designed to reflect the truth that God is a relational God and He created us to be relational beings. He designed marriage to be the most intimate relationship we have. It is to be what we call a "oneness" relationship, picturing the relationship between the members of the Trinity. This kind of intimacy isn't for the faint hearted, it requires hard work. It requires each person to give100%. everyday Men are called to love as Christ loved the church. That isn't a sissy thing! His love is a love that initiates. It is bold. It is radical in its expressions. It is hard because man from the time of the fall has been a selfish, prideful being. Because of this, to love as Jesus loves requires great amounts of strength, humility, courage, self-sacrifice, restraint, and faith. It is a love that stands firm in the face of hardship, relational difficulties, sin, hurt, and misunderstanding. It is a love that seeks to serve when ever thing in him wants to be served. It is a love that stands firm when everything in him wants to leave physically and/or  emotionally. The gospels show Jesus modeling this love. Loving like this will be the hardest thing a man ever does because everything in him will want to demand his rights, demand respect, and to do his own thing his own way in his own time. Everything in him will want to give up, walk away, withdraw, and disregard his wife out of anger, disappointment, frustration, or maybe even out of lust. But the staying, the moment by moment choices to love, that is where really masculinity is born. Masculinity is men rising up and consistently doing what God has called them to do.

Conversely if men think women have the easier role, they are wrong. God has called us to submit and to respect our own husbands. We have the same flesh problems men do. We have to deal with our own selfish hearts that want what we want when we want it. We have to live down insecurities that tell us we are too much and not enough at the same times. Believe it or not, we have to deal with lust as well. We have to choose to be godly with all sorts of crazy hormonal fluctuations and relational demands that our families put on us. We have the crazy calling of being like Sarah who showed godly respect to her lying, fearful husband who cared more about his life than her sexual integrity. It takes as much strength, courage, self-sacrifice, and faith for a woman to submit to a very human spouse as it does for a man to fully love his wife as Jesus loved the church. 

The second reason marriage isn't for sissies is because God has called us to covenant marriages, not contract ones. We live in a society that is contract oriented and we carry this orientation over to marriage. Sadly, there is a huge difference in contracts and covenants. Contracts are first written and then relationships flow from the keeping of the contracts and relationships end when contracts are broken. Contract marriages evoke a fear of abandonment which leads to two things. First, they lead to perfectionism and self-contempt. Second, they lead to a strong tendency towards legalism and self-protection and we end up looking out for ourselves above the other person. We watch his or her every move to be sure the contract is upheld. Contempt for others flows out of this.

A covenant marriage is different in that a relationship is first initiated and then laws, limits, and boundaries are established to confirm and protect both the relationship and those in it. We feel more secure in this type of relationship because the driving force behind it is love. The mindset of this would be for each person in the covenant to choose to act and react in such a way that the relationship and those in it are continuously protected. I know spiritual abusers can use the idea of the covenant marriage to act abusively and/or negligently, knowing the other won't leave because of the covenant and that kind of spiritual abuse needs to be strongly confronted. At the end of the day, covenant people wisely reflect on how they' themselves have affirmed and protected their covenant--their sacred marriage--and when failure occurs, they take ownership of the failure and quickly make amends.  

Third, marriage isn't for sissies because it is a sacred ground for growth. Because of this it is a relationship that requires enormous amounts of transparency and vulnerability. It's a relationship in which old wounds and old messages get triggered. Due to the fall, when this happens, we have a tendency to blame our emotions and reactions on the one who triggers them. Out of unresolved hurts flow defensiveness, anger, hurtful words, and wounding actions. Think of people standing in lines in a department store at Christmas time. Some people wait patiently. They smile at others, send up arrow prayers for the overworked cashiers, let someone with less items go ahead of them, and play peep eye with the toddler sitting in the basket ahead of them. Then there are the people who sigh loudly, impatiently shift from one foot to the other, try to crowd the line, and make rude comments about the competency of those working. Every one standing in line is subject to the same trigger--the "wait." However, they respond differently because the trigger exposes what was in their hearts. Those with impatient hearts believe they are entitled and shouldn't have to wait. Their actions expose the selfishness inside. (I'm thankful for a few long lines that exposed the selfish heart in me.) Because marriage is the most intimate of all relationships, it tends to trigger our "stuff" the most. It exposes past unhealed wounds, selfish attitudes, defensive responses, and insecurities based on lies. Because of this it is the relationship that has the most potential to help us become more like Christ. And that isn't for sissies, because the exposure of those things hurts. and requires courage, humility, and plain old gumption to put down fleshly tendencies that cause us to want to control or hide from someone who exposes the messiness in our heart. It takes courage to not run from the exposure. Quite frankly sissies don't qualify for intimate relationships that foster growth. 

The fourth reason marriage isn't for sissies is because when we marry we enter a very real battle with a very cunning enemy who seeks to destroy marriages because they were designed to picture the relationship Christ has to His church. Even though Satan was defeated at the cross, many of us give him power by believing his lies and his half truths--those lies that tells us we are unloved and unloveable, that we are too much and/or too little, that we are called to entitlement instead of servanthood, and that old wounds don't need healing. We also give him power when we listen to his cunning voice and allow it to draw us into sick bondages like eating disorders that rob us of life, joy, healthy, and human relationships, addictions that kill both the body and the soul, or into pornography which isolates, increases selfishness, and destroys the potential for the real intimacy that can satisfy the human heart.

Finally the fifth reason that marriage isn't for sissies is because it is the home base for raising the next generation of believers. There is no place better for sons to learn to be spiritual leaders who love radically, nurture gently, serve humbly, and fight the enemy aggressively to protect the covenant bond. There is also no better place for daughters to learn what is to be loved with godly love that values and protects their personhood, beauty, and integrity so she has the courage to wait for God's best. It is the best place for her to learn how to walk with God in such a way that submission and respect flow out of a deep abiding trust in God who is good and who radically loves her.

Could it be that it is time for us to change how we view marriage and what it takes to be men and women of God? We aren't just called to be "nice" people. We are called to be warriors and warrior princesses who are wise, recognizing the schemes of the enemy who seeks to destroy all that emulates God and His great love. Maybe men need to accept the fact that they are called to a radical love that takes more courage than anything else that they will ever be called to do. Maybe, women need to rise up and realize they have been called to respect their husbands as Sarah did which takes greater courage and grace than we can muster up without the Lord. Maybe it is time for men to live courageously and become passionate about marriage and women to realize shaming won't give courage. Maybe both men and women need to quit viewing their spouses as the enemy and quit being sissies so that we can fight together to defeat the real enemy. Joy comes from being the warrior spouses that walk in victory loving as He loves.

Returning to the Beginning

We recently revised the book, Growing a Passionate Heart, that we use in support groups. As a part of our revisions we added a chapter about marriage. One of the resources I used was, When Two Become One, by Christopher and Rachel McCluskey. What I found in their book stirred in me a godly passion for marriage and for sexual integrity that I haven't felt before. The last few weeks I've contemplated other topics for writing, but this topic burns in my soul and won't go away.

I love the McCluskey's book for several reasons. First, it answered questions I asked long ago that never got answered, especially about sexuality. Second, they talk about Scripture, keeping it in its context, which gave new meanings to familiar Bible verses. I love when the familiar becomes so exciting that I can't get my mind off of it. Third, we live in a highly sexualized culture and I have seen and heard stories that deeply concern me and I know in my heart of hearts that just telling someone to stop or to just say, "No!" isn't enough to motivate them to do so. I also know loving God means obeying Him. Telling people that wasn't enough to make a difference in the struggles of those who deeply long for love and acceptance.

To explain what I mean requires I return to the beginning and the beginning is God and God created! He created man and woman in His own image and they were unashamedly naked. They communed in that state with the Creator and with each other. Imagine being naked, free, unashamed, and oh so happy, That indicates a tight connection with human sexuality and Biblical spirituality!

Then WHAM! Satan entered the garden, tempting them with the fruit of knowledge of good and evil. It wasn't the fruit that tripped them up, it was the promise that they would become like the Creator. But wait! Weren't they created in His image? That tells us something significant about Eve and it tells us something about ourselves. When Eve listened to the beguiling voice of the tempter, she forgot something essential; she forgot she was a woman delicately created in the image of her Creator! So she bit and then she shared a bite with the ever so silent Adam, violating the one boundary the Creator had given them. Suddenly, filled with shame, they covered themselves in an inadequate attempt to hide the guilt and the shame they were experiencing. As the Creator approached, they hid. He confronted with a question intended to invite repentance and they cast blame instead. Eve blamed the Serpent, Adam blamed Eve and then to top it off he even blamed the Creator.

Their choice changed everything. It killed them spiritually, leading to their physical death. It killed the trust and the intimacy they had with their Creator and with each other. It separated their sexuality from their spirituality as shown by their core of shame that exposed their sin and caused them to cover their nakedness. Shame, that horrible emotion that exposes the fear of truly being seen. That emotion that exposes our fear of being really known. Shame that causes us to hide and become protective of ourselves. Yet, amazingly the Creator reached out and He clothed them in animal skins, showing that He Himself would provide a sacrifice sufficient to cover their guilt. 

Now, fast forward past a bunch of sad stories of jealousy, murder, and worldwide sin and violence that lead to a judgment through a catastrophic flood and we find a barren couple, old in age, living in a culture seeped in pagan worship whose gods were fertility gods. The sacrifices given to appease the gods were virgin daughters who were sexually taken by temple priests and babies who were burned as offerings. Sexuality that was no longer used in its intended spiritual context was no longer marked with love or integrity. 

But the Creator, full of grace, called out the older barren couple, telling them to separate themselves from the culture and go to a new land. In return He would give them a child of their own. The Creator sealed His covenant with them by having the man shed his own blood by cutting away his foreskin, forever marking himself with a constant reminder of the Creator's and his covenant. They obeyed and with a few lapses in trust and an attempts to help God fulfill his promise of a child the Creator graciously reaffirmed He covenant. In the midst of their doubt and their unbelief, at just the right time, He gave the elderly couple a child of their own and they named the child Laughter! Through the covenant with the man, the Creator revealed Himself as the true God of life and of fertility. Through the covenant, He seeks to heal the fracture between human sexuality and Biblical spirituality.

Scripture makes it clear that covenant marriage is a picture of the covenant relationship Christ has with His church. Scripture also makes it clear that the Creator's plan includes sexual integrity. From the beginning sex has been a gift from the Creator. The gift serves several purposes in our lives that we have lost sight of. Sex was given to us to serve as the sealing of the covenant vows between a man and a woman. The Creator designed us with bodies that were different. His to be aroused by sight to insure pursuit of relationship and hers to be aroused by emotional intimacy requiring lifetime commitment which gives a safe place to remove masks and be emotionally and physically naked with each other. In His grace, the Creator designed us with millions of nerve ending in just the right places for sheer pleasure followed by an abundance of hormones that are released as a couple fully gives of themselves to each another that causes a couple to bond in joyful connection. The more frequently they participate in the act, the closer they will be. Who can find fault with a beautiful plan like that?

My heart grieves that we are living in such a sexualized culture that we are removing the bond between our sexuality and our spirituality and the bond that should exist between a couple who is committed for life. Pornography is rampant, selfish, and addicting and in no way reflects the relationship between the Creator and His church. Rather than being loved and cared for in homes where marriages reflect the Creator, many children are growing up in homes broken by sin, selfishness, violence, perversion, and some are even being sacrificed to the Evil One through sexual abuse as they are raped before they even start school.

The statistics are not much different for believers. In this day of "free sex" we are destroying the part of us that is supposed to bond with another person. If a girl has sex with twenty people before she is married, the only way she can disconnect is to disassociate from the bonding hormonal process. I remember many years ago that girls who had sex and then broke up were crushed by the break up. Now, they hook up instead, claiming it is less complicated. It is not just young people doing this, it is people of all ages. Yet, everyone is still seeking something they can't find.

When are we, as believers, going to rise up and teach our sons to be sexually pure? When are we going to challenge them on their sense of entitlement of sex for a date? When are we going to teach them that to mistreat a young woman who says, "No," is abusive and wrong on so many levels? When are we going to challenge them on a double standard that rakes Miley over the coals and allows the older young man who was twerking with her off the hook? We are we going to teach our sons to look at the young women in their lives as creations of the Creator, as daughters of the King of kings, as potential spouses to be protected and whose precious virginity to be preserved? When are we going to teach them that they have no right to even ask a girl to have sex outside of marriage? When are we going to quit saying "boys will be boys" and "men will be men? If we believe that the Creator God is infinitely wise, then surly we know guys are not simply victims to their raging hormonal bodies. It is time for us to teach our young men to quit abusing and using young women. When will we explain to them that one out of four young women has already been abused and to not respect her and show her honor will forever put him in the class with those who previously abused her and will deepen the gaping wounds in her already broken heart.

When are we, as believers, going to rise up and teach our daughters to be modest? And I don't mean frumpy clothing, hiding beautiful young bodies behind sweatshirts and bulky sweaters. I am talking about instilling in them a dignity and God-confidence that commands respect and proper treatment and a willingness to walk away from all that is not holy. A dignity that would never entice a young man to lust or enter a sexual relationship before marriage just so she can feel a false sense of security. When are we going to teach our daughters that their bodies were bought with the blood of Christ and they are not their own to give away outside of marriage? When are we going to teach them their identity comes in being the daughter of the King of kings, fully loved and accepted, not in a false acceptance that comes by trying to hold on to a young man by giving up their virtue to a demanding date who doesn't deserve it? 

So, we live in a highly sexualized culture that is supposed to be advanced, but wants what it wants when it wants it. And as a result depression and anxiety and suicide are rampant. Babies are being savagely sucked out of their moms' wombs. Sexual abuse is growing in numbers along with incidences of kidnapping and sex trafficking. And STD's are leaving couples infertile. And at then end of the day people are still lonely, disconnected, and discontented as they keep looking for something that never ever satisfies.

What if what we all want in our heart of hearts is what the Creator created us for and is continually calling us back to--real love symbolized by a blood stained cross and hands scared by the nails that pierced them? What if Intimacy with the Creator Himself is what truly feeds the deepest parts of our hearts and teaches us to love with a love that is long lasting, committed, fulfilling, and binding through integrity and appropriate sexual acts in their proper context.

I wonder what would happen if we, one by one, turn back to what the Creator has called us. I wonder what would happen if we begin to live it and model something our young people will want with all of their being--to know the Creator and to be fully known by Him so that they are safe enough and strong enough and loved enough that they can choose to love another with all that they are, not the fractured parts of themselves that their sin is killing. What if we refuse to let our children be prematurely awakened sexually so obedience to the Creator's plan is doable, feels right, and offers deep soul connection and satisfaction. What if, just what if God was right all along?