God has gifted me with wise friends. When my kids were young, I
struggled with wanting to make sure I treated my children fairly in every
possible situation. One of our wise friends who had kids about the same age as ours,
saw my struggle and pointed out that it was a fruitless struggle. He told me
that when his kids complained that something wasn't fair, he would simply
respond, "You are right, life isn't fair." He went on to explain that
he viewed parenting as preparing our kids for real life. I was reminded of that
conversation as I have worked through the Bible study, Discovering Hope
in the Psalms. This week I am studying Psalm 73, which is Asaph's psalm in
which he is trying to reconcile what he knew about God with what he believed he
was seeing in the world.
The first time I remember struggling with thoughts about life not
being fair was in the eighth grade. I came into art class and as I was sitting
down a fellow student pulled my chair out from under me. I wasn't hurt, but
because I was wearing a dress I was pretty embarrassed. The teacher became
angry and marched the student to the principal's office. The guy and I were
friends and I took it as a joke, not something he had done maliciously. But
when he got to the principal's office everything changed. He told the principal
he had done it because I had called him a racially derogatory name. The next
thing I knew, I was called to the office and lectured about what I had done. I
was crushed, because if anyone used racially derogatory name in my presence, I
confronted them. Additionally, the principal never once seemed to consider that
the student might be lying to get out of trouble. I remember crying out to God
as I sat through that lecture feeling confused and unheard, telling him how
unfair it was that I was being accused of something I wouldn't do, especially
when I had tried to take a stand with people who did what I was being accused
of.
The next time I struggled with the "not fair" thoughts
at a deep level was when someone close to me was struggling with infertility.
It was at the time that abortion was becoming legal. I remember her telling me all
that she had gone through trying to conceive. Within a day or two, I heard
about an acquaintance who chose to have an abortion and watched a news story
about a baby found in a dumpster. Those thoughts crossed my mind again on a
short-term mission trip when a man came up to us and frantically begged us to
come pray with his wife. When we got over to her she was slumped over in a
drug-induced haze. As we knelt down beside her it became obvious that she was
very pregnant. Life was unfair that she was going to be giving birth to a baby
who would in all probability be born addicted, and my loved one who would have
cared for a baby couldn't conceive. Those thoughts occurred again when I stood at
the grave of my friend's six-month old baby, knowing her breasts were still
full and her empty arms were aching.
The next time I struggled with those thoughts was when I was
sitting in church one evening and met a couple new to our church. She made it
clear that she didn't want to live in Mississippi. My heart ached so much because
my husband tried so hard to get a position in that town after He finished his
doctorate, but nothing became available and we were having to leave a place we
loved and in which we felt at home. I remember going home that night and crying
long and hard after the kids went to sleep, resenting the lady and anyone else
God brought into that college town.
I still occasionally struggle with thoughts of "it isn't
unfair" when I see sweet friends who live godly lives, longing to be
married and know others who are on their second or third marriage complaining
about their current spouses. I struggle with those thoughts when I know a man
who has been full of integrity in the work place is laid off while a lying
backstabber keeps their job. I struggle with those thoughts when I think of
friends who would never drive under the influence who were either killed by
drunk drives or suffered traumatic brain injuries that forever altered their
life. I struggle with those thoughts when seeing the pictures of natural disasters
when one house or street of houses is demolished and another one stands. I
struggle with those thoughts when a young person is killed by violence, who had
plans to be a NICU nurse, a doctor, a teacher, a pastor, an artist, a chemist,
or an engineer, knowing sex traffickers, drug dealers, and people full of hate
live and impact this world in such negative ways. I struggled with those
thoughts when good kids were taken by cancer and brain cysts and others
weren't.
Sometimes good people respond in hurtful ways as we share our pain
with them. Jean E. Jones, one of the authors of the Psalms study I am doing
shared that after one of her miscarriages, a young man approached her and encouraged
her to remember that God probably knew she would be a terrible mom. She
confronted the young man and pointed out the errors in his thinking, but many
people don't confront. They just suffer, feeling shamed to the core. I have
known people struggling with autoimmune diseases who were told if they would
deal with unconfessed sin, God would heal them. I was even told that if I dealt
with resentment over an accident I was in, I would lose my limp and be
able to walk normally again. Resentment, by-the-way, that I didn't experience.
Looking at Job and the discussions he had with his friends, I am pretty sure
generations of people have had these kinds of experiences, feelings, and
thoughts. There is a part of us that wants life to be fair and there is a part
of us that really wants God's grace to be a "right" that comes with
trying to be good.
I think it is important for us to deal with the "not
fair" thoughts by taking them to the Lord. I learned several years ago it
is okay to ask God questions. I also learned sometimes my questions are just
statements of protest in disguise when something doesn't seem fair. It is at
that point that I can choose to go down the path of pride believing I know what
is best for me and everyone I know, which leads to envy, discontentment, anger,
and sin. Or, I can choose the path of humility, acknowledging that I am
not God, and the view from my human perspective is limited and sometimes tainted
by lies I believe or my desire to have more control over painful events my
loved ones or I experience. It is important to realize the very events we
consider unfair may be the events God uses to expose parts of our hearts that
aren't surrendered fully to Him. They may expose ungodly desires for control
that is not ours to have. They may expose trauma or losses we never
acknowledged or grieved that He desires to heal. They may expose desires that
over time we have made into idols we think must be fulfilled to be happy or to
prove that God really is good. They may expose lies we believe about God and
how His goodness and grace are to be manifested. If we aren't careful, we can
become bitter, and bitterness can skew our view of God causing us to withdraw
from Him, slander Him, or even rage against Him as many people in our culture
are now doing.
I know, I want to process the "not fair's" I face as
Asaph did in Psalm 73 so that in the face of the hard, I know without a doubt
that God is good. I want to rest assured that He holds me with His right
hand and will guide me with His counsel every step of the way until, in His
perfect timing, He receives me to glory. While longing for glory, I want to be
content and live in such a way Asaph's words are my words, "My
flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion
forever...But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge
that I may tell of all your works."
