Made for Glory

There are several passages in the Bible that grabbed a hold of my heart and changed the beliefs that ran deep into my soul. This usually happens when I am reading passages with which I am familiar. It seems like the Lord slows me down and causes me to take notice of truths that my heart desperately needs to notice. One such passages was Psalm 139. I had read it over and over. Then one day I was reading it again and felt excitement stirring and goosebumps rising. I began to see things in the passage that radically changed how I viewed myself, my life, and my relationship with my God.

The first things that grabbed a hold of my heart was that I was created by God and intimately known by Him. For years I'd struggled with negative thoughts that caused me to believe I was bad, defective, not good enough, too much, a mistake, a disappointment, and unlovable. Psalm 139:13-15, "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret intricately woven in the depths of the earth." If you had asked me who had created me prior to reading these verses that day, I would have said God. But to be honest, I was living as if I believed I was God's mistake. The one in which He said, "Whoops, didn't mean to make her!" These verses refuted lies I had believed for years and told me God, in His infinite wisdom, was in my mother's womb, carefully forming each cell, masterfully stitching them together stitch by stitch.

This means He knew me before I was born! He knew how tall I would be, how many fingers and toes I would have, what color my eyes would be, and that my hair would be mostly straight. He knew what shape my body would take as it grew from a single cell to a grown woman. He even  designed my body to heal itself when it got sick, gave me skin that would regenerate after a knee was scraped, and bones that would calcify and heal after they were broken.

God also designed my brain, knowing that I would be good at math, that I would love music, and that I would grow up wanting to write. He knew what strengths and what weaknesses I would have. He knew what would make me smile, what would make me chuckle out loud, and what would evoke a belly laugh so hard that tears would spill. He knew what would make me frown, what would make me sad, and what would move me to compassion so strong it couldn't be contained. He even knew what would cause such pain that the tears would get stuck deep inside. He knew what would leave me feeling miffed and what would leave me so enraged I would want to scream at the top of my lungs to get someone to understand the depths of frustration I can feel. He knew what would leave me feeling anxious and that snakes could terrify me and leave me screaming ten minutes strait.

Another truth from Psalm 139 that grabbed a hold of my heart is found in verse 16, "...in your book were written, ever one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." This verse tells me God, Himself, penned the story I am living and that my story is to be lived out loud. That includes the highs that leave me feeling exhilarated and the lows that leave me spent and broken. That includes the painful parts when I was sinned against and the journey it took to fully comprehend that Jesus understands that kind of pain as a traumatized Savior and is in the process of fully redeeming it. That also includes sitting in the burning shame of my own sin and the journey it took to see my sin etched in His skin as He faced God's wrath for me, showing me tiny glimpses of the glorious grace that is to be forever mine.

The next truth that grabbed a hold of my heart from this Psalm is that I have never been alone. I was in His thoughts as He was penning my story and then He was with me in my mother's womb from conception on. He was there when I was born, calling me out of the womb by name. This passage says, He knows when I sit down. He knows when I stand up. He can discern the thoughts I have before I, myself,  am fully aware of them. He knows the path I am on and He is acquainted with how I will deal with all that is on that path. He knows every word I have spoken and every word still on the tongue. He goes before me, follows behind me, and keeps His hand on me, holding me steady. There is no where I can go that His beautiful Spirit will not be there. When I climbed mountains, I found Him there. When I felt like I was in the depths of despair, He was there. Were I to travel the oceans there would not be a port in which His presences and glory could not be found. Even my darkest days do not surprise Him, for in His hands the darkness is made light.

Our God created us with His infinite wisdom, preserves us with His mighty power, and loves us with a love that is both sacrificial and incomprehensible. There is no one like Him! We can search the earth and we will never find works that are as beautiful and perfect as His works and you and I are a part of those works! We were made for His glory and can rejoice that it is in Him that we live and move and have our being.

Fully Living in Imperfection

"The Lord is like a father to His children,

tender and compassionate to those who fear Him.

For He knows how weak we are;

He remembers we are only dust." 

Psalm 103:13-14

It has been a very hard couple of weeks! When Lent began there were many suggestions on the internet on how to have meaningful quiet times during Lent. One of the suggestions was to read through the New Testament. But, this year I had made a commitment to myself to slow down as I read the Bible so I can process what I read and connect more intimately with God, hoping this would enable me to recognize His voice more clearly and to live a life characterized by radical faith. So, I chose to read through the gospels only. 

But there something impacting my quiet times, which colored how I interpreted what I read and my mood spiraled down. One of my defense mechanisms has always been perfectionism. I've worked hard to overcome it, but, it is easily triggered by comments others make.  The last few years, I've helped a retired professor and counselor in a grief and trauma class he teaches. Over the last few years, I've experienced many losses some of which occurred during the classes in different years. During some of the losses I have had some unkind words hurled at me. When I suffer a loss I tend to rush grief process and return to life as it was before. 

When the class began this year and people shared their stories and I began to wrestle with feelings I thought I were long gone. I mostly pushed the feelings down and then one morning I read a post on a blog by a lady who had suffered the loss of someone that was similar to a loss I had experienced with one major difference--she had gotten to say goodbye and I hadn't. Some of my the losses were of people with whom I had complicated relationships. As I have listened to stories in the class and processed the blog post, the stinging remarks resurfaced and my core of shame kicked in and my perfectionism wrapped itself tightly around me and all sorts of "should have's" ran through my mind.

I was reading the Scriptures through these filters of perfectionism and toxic shame. Ordinarily, I love looking at the gospels and seeing Jesus relate to people. But it seemed like every time I read the Word, my mood kept dropping. I wasn't convicted, I was condemned. As I was reading, I noticed Jesus always knew what to say and how to say it. He loved the unlovely, gave grace to people in desperate need of it, boldly confronted leaders who were binding people with legalism, forgave those seeking Him, knew where to go to meet those thirsty for God, and knew when it was okay to withdraw from people for to connect with His Father. 

Jesus was the perfectly differentiated God-Man. He didn't need the religious leaders approval. He didn't need His earthly family's approval. He didn't need His friends' approval. He was content in His Heavenly Father's love and approval. Every decision He made was right and it was made in obedience to His Father. I have tried to do that, but, oh man, I so often fail. Life is sometimes painful, my heart so messy, and relationships are complicated, and I fail often miserably. As I found myself comparing myself to Jesus through the lens of perfectionism my list of "should's" grew exponentially. And my joy was gone.  

I met with a Christian counselor yesterday who I occasionally see. When he asked me what I wanted to talk about, I began to tell him about the grief surfaced by the blog and class. I shared how it was complicated by broken relationships and shared with him the remarks someone made to me that I hadn't realized were still playing around in my head. The counselor took me to a book called Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, penned by Peter Scazzero. He read a section of the book called "Jesus' True Self" to help me remember how to live, differentiated and true to myself. But as he was reading to me the voice of perfectionism was screaming in my head, "BUT I AM NOT JESUS! I ALWAYS FALL SHORT. I CAN'T DO WHAT HE DID!"

But the truth is I wish with all that I am I could do life as perfectly as Jesus did. A lifetime of things might have been different. I'm an introvert, so I didn't scream those things at the counselor, I sat their quietly processing. He asked a few times what I thought about what He had read. Finally, I quietly said a few things. Because of the emotions I was feeling, I don't remember exactly what I said or asked. Had I been able to process I would have said it like this, "But, I am not Jesus. I am not sure if I, in my pain, made decisions that were godly. If I had gotten help sooner, would I have made different decisions? Was I a weak person for withdrawing when I believed I couldn't handle more pain? Could I have shown God to someone, by loving better had I been stronger?"

Thankfully the wise counselor saw the toxic shame and perfectionism and He pointed those out. He knows most of my story and reminded me of the major depression and pain that brought me to seek counseling many years ago. He pointed out some parts that weren't my responsibility and some that may have been and gently reminded about freedom in repentance and confession. 

Then He said some things that resonated in the deep parts of my heart. He said, "Wendy, that old perfectionism is there. Jesus was omniscient, you aren't! You didn't know things that would have helped you make different decisions at the time. He is omnipresent, you aren't! You couldn't be more than one place at a time! And those Omni words--they helped free me! I hope they do you!"

The rest of the day I thought on those things. Jesus knows in full, I know in part. He can be everywhere and can intervene when it is His will, I can't. He is all powerful, He can do things and bear things I can't. Even though He is an emotional being, He has the power and the eternal wisdom to do right even when it is extremely painful to do so. He bore anguish that caused Him to sweat drops of blood as He contemplated the cross. As a human I am hardwired to stop pain. I didn't always have the ability to bear additional pain upon the pain I was experiencing. It was okay to set boundaries until I had some healing and when enough healing had taken place to reengage was fuzzy. Jesus knows and understands that. He knows I am but dust and how weak I am and He is tender and compassionate!

On the cross, Jesus bore my sin--the ugly things I have done and said in rebellious pride. On the cross, Jesus also bore my bore my imperfections--the things I failed to do or say because I am not an "Omni" being. I am not God, I am human.  

As I process all of this in light of the cross and the empty tomb, my "should's" dissipate and my toxic shame melts into godly sorrow and the realization of how poor in spirit I am surfaces. This leads me to repentance, allowing me to grieve the losses of loved ones as well as the losses incurred from living in a broken world full of painful relationships, and frees me of regrets that come from being a human and making decisions from a human perspective rather than a God one. 

Because of Jesus, I am once again moving away from the old core of toxic shame and perfectionism and praising Jesus for who He is. It isn't leading into toxic shame, but to humility, where my joy has returned, a place where my heart is full of gratitude that the omnipotent, omniscient, Holy Savior is loving me and setting me free me from the shame of not being "Omni."