Fear is a Four Letter Word

Several years ago I wrote a book on emotions and in that book wrote a chapter called, "Fear is a Four Letter Word:. In that chapter I shared that my earliest memories of fear are from my preschool years. My dad often watched old westerns with battles between cowboys and Native Americans. At the time we lived in west Texas and we drove from Salt Flats to El Paso to get groceries. I remember being hypervigilant and watching out of the car window afraid Natives would come riding over the mountains to attack us. My mind didn't grasp that the westerns my dad watched reflected a different time period than the one in which we were living. My fear was irrationally based on childish perceptions, not on facts.

Many believers think fear is a sin, but it is a protective, energizing emotion when it is operating in a healthy way. In fact, we can't display courage unless we are experiencing fear. We know fear is built into our emotional makeup from conception as babies jump in the womb in response to loud sudden sounds. God put fear in our emotional make up so it could motivate us to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe. Fear warns us of potential danger and energizes us by speeding up blood flow so that we can think and act more quickly. It motivates us to flee, fight, or play dead.

Fear can sometimes help to bond people. This occurs when we embrace fears together, especially when we do it for fun's sake. I did this watching Alfred Hitchcock's shows with my family as a young child. We  snuggled close to our parents as the show built towards its climax. Sometimes my dad would growl or yell, "BOO!" just before am exciting part. We would scream, jump, and then all laugh. Our family felt close during those times. I also experienced this when I faced my fear of heights, riding rollercoasters with my kids and climbing a rock wall with our youth group. Even though I experienced fear in those situations, I knew I was with people I trusted and we bonded as we talked and joked about our fears, encouraged each other, and then debriefed afterwards. These things provided shared memories and these memories provide points of instant reconnection when one of us says, "Do you remember that time...?"

Because we live in a fallen world, fear can becomes irrational. If this happens, it can paralyze and control us to the point it becomes a stronghold in our lives. Irrational fear, can make us cowardly if we give into it. This occurred in the book of Numbers when the Israelites were to enter the Promise Land. God had instructed Moses to send a man from each tribe to check out the land. Forty days later, the men returned with pomegranates, figs, clusters of grapes so heavy they had to be carried by two men. All agreed they had found the land of "milk and honey" God described. Yet, only two of the twelve believed Israel could take the land with the Lord's help. They had all observed people of large stature living in the land and ten of them felt so intimidated that they refused to take the land, missing many years of blessing. In their fear, they forgot about God's power and His faithfulness to them. Our fear can make us forgetful, toe.

Irrational fear sometimes has a spiritual component to it as Satan is a master deceiver and can make routine battles look unbeatable, everyday trials look insurmountable, and daily temptations look undefeatable. If we buy into his lies, Satan can turn us into cowards, experiencing chronic fear and living mediocre lives. Cowardly fear can come out in the fear of rejection, which keeps us from reaching out to others, leaving us bound by loneliness. It can come out in the fear of failure, which keeps us from taking risks that would help us develop our talents, abilities, and spiritual gifts. It can come out in the fear of abandonment, which keeps us focused on self, instead of loving others well. Hence, irrational fears can cause us to miss out on relationships and opportunities in education, jobs, and ministry.

Unhealthy fear has the potential to cause confusion, which increases the fear we are experiencing. We see this in the book of Judges when God instructed Gideon to call 300 men to surround the Midianite camp, carrying trumpets and clay jars hiding lit torches. He told them to surround the camp, blow their trumpets, break their jars to reveal their torches and shout, "A sword for the Lord and Gideon!" This caused sudden fear among the Midianites and, in their subsequent confusion, the Midianites drew swords on each other. Kind of looks like what Satan and his legions do in our churches today, doesn't it? He knows each of our vulnerabilities and insecurities and attacks in a way that causes fear-fueled confusion. This confusion paralyzes us, keeps us stuck, misconstrues reality, stirs up strife, and causes us to attack each other. Every time I have experienced conflict in the church, there was a great amount of confusion concerning it and at the root of the conflicts was some sort of fear.

When fear becomes a stronghold, it draws our focus away from God and zaps our energy, leaving us with little power to obey. We see this when Saul and the Israelites were facing Goliath. Goliath was a large man with a big mouth. He stood on the mountainside taunting Saul and his army. God had told Israel He would defeat Goliath on their behalf, but they became so afraid that no one took action. Only young David believed God and had the courage to face down the giant. Sadly, Saul's fears became more irrational as time went on. He began to fear his faithful servant, David, tried to kill him and ultimately his fear led him to commit suicide. His fear had become an idol, one that he spent much of his life trying to appease, to no avail. Fear ruled his heart and drove him to carry out ugly, ungodly actions.

In his book, Harnessing the Incredible Power of Fear, Ken Nichols pointed out that there are 366 "fear not's" in the Bible. Contrary to what many believe, these were not given to us to admonish us or to shame us. When God says not to fear, He follows it with sweet reminders of His presence, His faithfulness, and His power. Fear doesn't have to be a four letter word when we realize it gives us opportunities to be courageous and grow in faith. When we call fear sin, it is because we have forgotten the Bible is a book about a relationship between a God and the people He loves. It is not a list of do's and don'ts written from an angry God waiting to zap us. It is written with from a heart filled with love that desires to protect us and our relationship with Him. His telling us not to be afraid is similar to us lovingly telling our children not to be afraid because we are with them, have knowledge they don't have, will protect them, and can identify irrationality behind many of the fears they have. We can be thankful God won't obliterate our fear as it not only helps us stay safe, it is the very thing that drives us to Him.

(Ken Nichols, Harnessing the Incredible Power of Fear; Wendy J. Mahill, Embracing a Feeling Heart ) 

Suffering Well -- Part 1

"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings,

knowing that suffering produces endurance,

and endurance produces character,

and character produces hope,

and hope does not put us to shame,

because God's love has been poured in to our hearts

through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

Romans 5:3-5



We've had an increase in terrorists' attacks this last couple of years. At the end of last year a Russian plane was blown up, a violent attack occurred in Paris, and then one just a few hours away from me in San Bernardino. I happened to turn on the TV just as the last attack was being announced and watched the story unfold. I thought I was fine until I was driving to church and a large planed flew over me. It seemed to be flying lower than usual and all of a sudden I felt like that child growing up during the Cuban crisis. I remember the drills at school that were supposed to keep us safe in the wake of a nuclear attack and I remember sitting at the dinner table feeling the terror rising within as I heard jets flying over. I never said anything, but I always looked at my dad to see if he looked scared, but when he seemed calm I assumed we were safe. I recently talked to a counselor friend about the fear I was experiencing and asked him if he were experiencing fear as well. In the course of the conversation he said something that resonated with my heart. He said his prayer wasn't the avoidance of suffering, but that if he had to suffer, He would suffer well.

The thought resonated with me because I realized had prayed that same prayer during different  circumstances. I prayed that prayer when friends buried young children, finding comfort and hope in Christ. If I were to lose one of my children, I want to suffer well and find my hope in Jesus. That doesn't mean I would not grieve, but that I would grieve with hope as someone fully assured of life eternal. I have prayed that prayer as I watched people suffering an illness like cancer as they  found  comfort and hope in God in the midst of the pain they experienced and the very real possibility of  dying grew. If I were to become terminally ill, I want to suffer well so that nothing in my suffering would cause another to turn away from God. I have prayed that prayer when I saw others living with chronic pain, I prayed it because I tend to get angry when I experience bouts of arthritis and desire to be a person who can find comfort in Jesus and I want to reflect my Jesus to others even in the midst of discomfort and the exhaustion that comes from living with pain. I have prayed that prayer when I watched others go through a season of financial insecurity. If that happens to us, I want to suffer well, maintain integrity, and cling to God who promises to provide. I don't want my fears, my reactions, my actions, or my bouts with unbelief to keep others from coming to my Jesus.

I've read a lot about the refugees and people's reactions to them being placed in our country and I confess the idea scares me. How will we know who is a believer in need of shelter and who is a person planning carry out an attack. After praying about it, I did not come up with the solution, but I did come up with a conviction--I don't want my fear to govern my actions and responses to those seeking asylum. I want Jesus, His will for me, His will for our country, and His will for refuges to be what prevails. That means if He calls me to witness to someone who may or may not be a terrorist, I want to obey rather than giving into my fear. I pray that if I or someone I love is tortured or killed that I would suffer well that others would come to know Christ through the suffering. Others coming to Christ is really what matters and it doesn't matter if it is by my life or my death. I don't want to treat another human being with hatred because of the fear that dwells in this human heart of mine. I want to overcome the fear and extend compassion and love to whom ever God will it. I am not by nature a bold person. I have loads of fear and voice many "buts" and "what if's" to God--What if a culture of men who has not been raised to honor women do harm to wives and daughters here? What if the person claiming to be a refugee is a terrorist who plans to blow up a community? What if a terrorist in disguise as a refugee kills my kids or grandkids? Then I realized the alternative is to allow the slaughtering of other people's children because they have declare the name of Jesus and I want to live brave and moving beyond the fears that dwell deep! All I know to do right now is pray that God will make His will clear, that He will give me the courage to obey, and that if suffering occurs He would enable me to suffer well so others believe.

I fear we're a culture who wants easy. We don't share Christ because we're afraid to offend or afraid of persecution. We don't stay in difficult marriages, because it's hard work and often painful. We don't want to work on the painful baggage we carry from the past because facing the stories we've lived causes exposes the pain we avoid through denial, addictions, eating disorders, pornography use, and business. Yet, we really are suffering silently as we are governed by our efforts to forget. We change friends often because we don't like working through the painful parts that come with loving well.

There are times we even blame God for our suffering when it is really is because of choices we've made. Sarah was such a person. She experienced suffering not of her own doing as a barren woman living in a culture that worshipped fertility. After God promised her and Abraham a baby, she grew weary of waiting and gave her Egyptian handmaiden to her husband to have a baby in her place. The suffering she endured because of the situation was her own doing, not God's. I've heard single pregnant women ask how God could do "this" to them. The "this" they were referring to is an unplanned pregnancy. God didn't do it to them, it was a consequence of the choices they made. Some illnesses we suffer with are the result of being in a fallen world and others are the result of the choices we make--aides, venereal diseases, cirrhosis, and some forms of skin cancer. 

The Word makes it clear that God knows the suffering of His people. It makes it clear that sometimes He even allows suffering to draw us to Him. We also know that Jesus responded with compassion to those who suffered and in response He healed bodies, cast out demons, fed multitudes, and raised Lazarus from the dead. He even confronted religious leaders who burdened people with unnecessary laws and kept them from coming to Him. He even suffered a painful death for us so we wouldn't bear the wrath of God for our sin. The suffering we experience now is nothing compared to the glory that will be revealed in the future. Paul made it clear that there will be suffering when the Gospel is lived. The verses above tell us we should even rejoice in suffering because it produces endurance which produces character which produces hope because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit. As we go through fearful times, I can't help but wonder if the way to navigate them is to sit in His presence and bask in His love so that we can be among those who suffer well as suffering does its work in us and those around us. Over the next few weeks I plan to study different people in the Bible who suffered well--Joseph, Ruth, Daniel, Stephen, Paul, and Jesus. I hope you will find it encouraging to look at their lives...in the mean time be strong and of good courage, our God is always with us and He is mighty to save!

 

Living Brave in Scary Times

"Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them,

for it is the LORD your God who goes with you.

He will not leave you or forsake you."

Deuteronomy 31:6

 

We are living in scary times. Just about every day we hear things that provoke anxiety and fear. We hear about terrorists' attacking civilians, bombs blowing planes out of the sky, mass shootings occurring in public places, and civil unrest exploding into violence. We hear about people having cars hijacked, phones stolen at gun point, and purses ripped from arms as we shop. We hear about murders occurring in every neighborhood. We hear about home invasions involving robberies, brutal rapes, or the killing of whole families. We hear about dates that turn into rapes, about relationships that turn into molestations, about spouses forsaking love for porn, and about sons and daughters lured into drugs and sex trafficking. We hear about baby parts being sold for profit, babies being stolen, and babies being abandoned in allies in spite of safe haven laws and parents longing to adopt. We hear about robbers not only snatching  physical possessions, but identities as well. We hear about gang shootings, drug overdoses, and loved ones lives snuffed out by drivers driving drunk. We hear about tragic accidents taking loved ones, wars maiming young soldiers, cancer ravaging the bodies of loved ones, and infections causing human bodies to go septic. We hear about family members carrying out acts of violence on the very ones they should be loving and protecting. We hear about moms or dads walking out on families, not once looking back. We hear about a failing economy, lost jobs, and repossessed homes.

And then there are a mass of other kind of fears with which we struggle--the fear of failure, the fear of rejection, the fear of being too much, the fear of being not enough, the fear of being overlooked,  the fear of being known, the fear of being found defective, the fear of being invisible, the fear if being unheard, and the fear of someone stumbling upon the truth of the stories we've lived and denied, the abuses we've born, and the sins we've sinned. And then there are the irrational fears that born out of unresolved pain, grief, and trauma--fears that don't make sense unless we take the time to hear the stories behind them.

Sometimes fear and anxiety creep slowly into our lives. We don't even realize they are there until it is  crazy out of control. Sometimes we're  aware of it, but because we've been told fear and anxiety are sin we put on "brave masks" that bely the fear-filled hearts pounding in our chests and the pain racking our bodies because we've carried the tension of anxiety far too long. Sometimes the fear is even shrouded in shame because we've tried to tell someone about the fear only to be told we, as believers, should not be feeling it.

How differently we might live if we accepted the truth that fear is a God-given emotion designed to help us stay safe. How differently we might live if we understood fear and anxiety can only do their job when we learn to listen to their messages and acknowledge their presence in our lives. So often we take verses like the one above out of context and interpret suffering as proof that God has forgotten us. Too often we forget the verses were penned by a God who has a great big Father's heart and we use them to shame either ourselves or others who are experiencing fear. What if God penned verses on fear not to scold us, but to remind us that He is ever with us? What if He penned them to remind us that everything we experience is filtered through nail-scarred hands, a Spirit acquainted with grief and trauma, and a heart that is beating wildly with compassion? I wonder how different our lives would be if we quit judging each other as deficient because of our experiences with fear and anxiety. What if we gave each other permission to acknowledge and to express these experiences?
What is the worst that could happen?

As a person once driven by fear, I've learned some valuable lessons about it. First, rational fear can keep us safe because it triggers a natural fight, flight, or freeze reaction that enables us to fight battles, flee danger, and disengage from the overwhelming. Second, irrational fear exposes  festering wounds, unresolved grief, and unhealed trauma we have buried. Irrational fear tells us it is time to face our life stories and bring all to the light. Third, fear and anxiety are common human experiences that have the potential to bind hearts together if we are real. Fourth, fear loses its power over us when we bring it to the light. Oh, that we would remember that our silence feeds fear and expression starves it. Fifth, fear can serve as a reminder to reflect on Yahweh--the very name that sounds like a breath in the Hebrew language. It reminds us of the truth of Job 33:4, "The Spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life." So, the need for deep cleansing breaths can cause us to focus on Yahweh and His character--He is the sovereign, loving, all-knowing, all-powerful, and radically loving Savior. In this life there will be suffering and the suffering can draw us to the heart of a very big, very loving God. Sixth, we can't be brave if we don't have fear. I don't know where we got the idea that brave is the absence of fear, but it isn't. Brave is the presence of faith that chooses to trust God in the face of the scary.  Seventh, there is a real enemy--an enemy  God has already defeated. The damage the enemy is trying to do now is merely his anger and his resistance to the loss he has suffered and the death he is dying at the hands of a God more powerful than he and that enemy has no power in our lives unless we choose to believe his sick lies.

In closing, when we remember that God's instructions to us are penned from a Father's loving heart, we will be encouraged rather than shamed. His Words remind us that we do not have to be afraid because God is with us, sheltering us, and providing for us. He is more powerful than the enemy, and He has overcome death. Because of His shed blood and His infinite grace, we are truly safe in Him. People, disease, or accidents may kill the body, but we will live because of the cross and the resurrection. Maybe God allows the scary now to draw us closer to Him, to give us sacred opportunities to encourage one another, and to make us a bit homesick for our heavenly homes. As we walk these scary times, let us remind one another that fear melts in the presence of a big big God. 

Marriage isn't for Sissys

"Wives submit to you own husbands, as to the Lord..

Now as the church submits to Christ,

so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Husbands, love you wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her...

In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.

He who loves his wife loves himself."

Ephesians 5:22-28

I was recently sitting in a meeting with a group of people discussing things our church could do to foster healthy marriages. I pointed out that our men's ministry was doing a Bible study for men on marriage. I was very excited about this because this is the first time I have ever heard of the men doing this kind of study on their own. Usually it is the women in the church who buy books on marriage, who discuss it with their friends,  or who drag their husbands to marriage conferences, hoping to learn how to have better marriage. One of the men jokingly said that maybe they would get a better turn out if they didn't advertise that the study was on marriage as he held up his hand in a feminine gesture. I know the guy was joking, but I was so irritated by the gesture and by his statement. Later I realized I was really irritated because there is probably truth to his statement.

As I have done research for different writing projects I've come across articles casting blame on the issue of men not rising to be spiritual leaders. Some articles indicated it was the women's lib movement that removed men from leadership. Some have said it is due to the harsh criticisms spouted by hurting, angry wives that left men too fearful to step up to their God-given role. Some have said it is technology and higher education that replaced the apprenticeships in which young teenaged boys learned a trade from grown men, which also allowed them to learn what it meant to be a man. Some have suggested it's the business of our culture and the long work hours preventing men from teaching sons how to be men. Some have suggested that it is the educational system that used methods of education that doesn't help young men to be strong men. Some have suggested it is due to the breakdown of the family unit that leaves dads less involved. Probably all of those things have played a part in the break down of male leadership, but I believe there is a whole lot more to it. Regardless of the reasons, we need to understand a profound truth--marriage isn't for sissies!

There are five reasons that marriage isn't for sissies. I believe our culture (including the church) has lost sight of the sacredness of marriage. Marriage wasn't invented by man, it was designed by God to reflect His love for the church and His relationship to her. Marriage was also designed to reflect the truth that God is a relational God and He created us to be relational beings. He designed marriage to be the most intimate relationship we have. It is to be what we call a "oneness" relationship, picturing the relationship between the members of the Trinity. This kind of intimacy isn't for the faint hearted, it requires hard work. It requires each person to give100%. everyday Men are called to love as Christ loved the church. That isn't a sissy thing! His love is a love that initiates. It is bold. It is radical in its expressions. It is hard because man from the time of the fall has been a selfish, prideful being. Because of this, to love as Jesus loves requires great amounts of strength, humility, courage, self-sacrifice, restraint, and faith. It is a love that stands firm in the face of hardship, relational difficulties, sin, hurt, and misunderstanding. It is a love that seeks to serve when ever thing in him wants to be served. It is a love that stands firm when everything in him wants to leave physically and/or  emotionally. The gospels show Jesus modeling this love. Loving like this will be the hardest thing a man ever does because everything in him will want to demand his rights, demand respect, and to do his own thing his own way in his own time. Everything in him will want to give up, walk away, withdraw, and disregard his wife out of anger, disappointment, frustration, or maybe even out of lust. But the staying, the moment by moment choices to love, that is where really masculinity is born. Masculinity is men rising up and consistently doing what God has called them to do.

Conversely if men think women have the easier role, they are wrong. God has called us to submit and to respect our own husbands. We have the same flesh problems men do. We have to deal with our own selfish hearts that want what we want when we want it. We have to live down insecurities that tell us we are too much and not enough at the same times. Believe it or not, we have to deal with lust as well. We have to choose to be godly with all sorts of crazy hormonal fluctuations and relational demands that our families put on us. We have the crazy calling of being like Sarah who showed godly respect to her lying, fearful husband who cared more about his life than her sexual integrity. It takes as much strength, courage, self-sacrifice, and faith for a woman to submit to a very human spouse as it does for a man to fully love his wife as Jesus loved the church. 

The second reason marriage isn't for sissies is because God has called us to covenant marriages, not contract ones. We live in a society that is contract oriented and we carry this orientation over to marriage. Sadly, there is a huge difference in contracts and covenants. Contracts are first written and then relationships flow from the keeping of the contracts and relationships end when contracts are broken. Contract marriages evoke a fear of abandonment which leads to two things. First, they lead to perfectionism and self-contempt. Second, they lead to a strong tendency towards legalism and self-protection and we end up looking out for ourselves above the other person. We watch his or her every move to be sure the contract is upheld. Contempt for others flows out of this.

A covenant marriage is different in that a relationship is first initiated and then laws, limits, and boundaries are established to confirm and protect both the relationship and those in it. We feel more secure in this type of relationship because the driving force behind it is love. The mindset of this would be for each person in the covenant to choose to act and react in such a way that the relationship and those in it are continuously protected. I know spiritual abusers can use the idea of the covenant marriage to act abusively and/or negligently, knowing the other won't leave because of the covenant and that kind of spiritual abuse needs to be strongly confronted. At the end of the day, covenant people wisely reflect on how they' themselves have affirmed and protected their covenant--their sacred marriage--and when failure occurs, they take ownership of the failure and quickly make amends.  

Third, marriage isn't for sissies because it is a sacred ground for growth. Because of this it is a relationship that requires enormous amounts of transparency and vulnerability. It's a relationship in which old wounds and old messages get triggered. Due to the fall, when this happens, we have a tendency to blame our emotions and reactions on the one who triggers them. Out of unresolved hurts flow defensiveness, anger, hurtful words, and wounding actions. Think of people standing in lines in a department store at Christmas time. Some people wait patiently. They smile at others, send up arrow prayers for the overworked cashiers, let someone with less items go ahead of them, and play peep eye with the toddler sitting in the basket ahead of them. Then there are the people who sigh loudly, impatiently shift from one foot to the other, try to crowd the line, and make rude comments about the competency of those working. Every one standing in line is subject to the same trigger--the "wait." However, they respond differently because the trigger exposes what was in their hearts. Those with impatient hearts believe they are entitled and shouldn't have to wait. Their actions expose the selfishness inside. (I'm thankful for a few long lines that exposed the selfish heart in me.) Because marriage is the most intimate of all relationships, it tends to trigger our "stuff" the most. It exposes past unhealed wounds, selfish attitudes, defensive responses, and insecurities based on lies. Because of this it is the relationship that has the most potential to help us become more like Christ. And that isn't for sissies, because the exposure of those things hurts. and requires courage, humility, and plain old gumption to put down fleshly tendencies that cause us to want to control or hide from someone who exposes the messiness in our heart. It takes courage to not run from the exposure. Quite frankly sissies don't qualify for intimate relationships that foster growth. 

The fourth reason marriage isn't for sissies is because when we marry we enter a very real battle with a very cunning enemy who seeks to destroy marriages because they were designed to picture the relationship Christ has to His church. Even though Satan was defeated at the cross, many of us give him power by believing his lies and his half truths--those lies that tells us we are unloved and unloveable, that we are too much and/or too little, that we are called to entitlement instead of servanthood, and that old wounds don't need healing. We also give him power when we listen to his cunning voice and allow it to draw us into sick bondages like eating disorders that rob us of life, joy, healthy, and human relationships, addictions that kill both the body and the soul, or into pornography which isolates, increases selfishness, and destroys the potential for the real intimacy that can satisfy the human heart.

Finally the fifth reason that marriage isn't for sissies is because it is the home base for raising the next generation of believers. There is no place better for sons to learn to be spiritual leaders who love radically, nurture gently, serve humbly, and fight the enemy aggressively to protect the covenant bond. There is also no better place for daughters to learn what is to be loved with godly love that values and protects their personhood, beauty, and integrity so she has the courage to wait for God's best. It is the best place for her to learn how to walk with God in such a way that submission and respect flow out of a deep abiding trust in God who is good and who radically loves her.

Could it be that it is time for us to change how we view marriage and what it takes to be men and women of God? We aren't just called to be "nice" people. We are called to be warriors and warrior princesses who are wise, recognizing the schemes of the enemy who seeks to destroy all that emulates God and His great love. Maybe men need to accept the fact that they are called to a radical love that takes more courage than anything else that they will ever be called to do. Maybe, women need to rise up and realize they have been called to respect their husbands as Sarah did which takes greater courage and grace than we can muster up without the Lord. Maybe it is time for men to live courageously and become passionate about marriage and women to realize shaming won't give courage. Maybe both men and women need to quit viewing their spouses as the enemy and quit being sissies so that we can fight together to defeat the real enemy. Joy comes from being the warrior spouses that walk in victory loving as He loves.

The Courage to Forgive First

One of the best lines I've heard about forgiveness didn’t come from a sermon. It came from the TV show, Mad About You. It was said on the last show of the series. In a previous episode the main characters, Paul and Jaime, had separated. Their daughter, Mable, had invited both of them to the premiere showing of a Broadway show she had developed. Their friends all arrived before them and strategically chose their seats, leaving Paul and Jaime no choice, but to sit together. At the end of the show everyone decides to go for pie. Paul and Jaime are left standing there feeling awkward and not quite sure what they should say to each other. Paul finally asked Jaime if she wanted to go have pie and she says no. He turns and reaches for his stuff and when he turns back towards her to say goodbye she leans into him and kisses him. He closes his eyes and when she pulls back from the kiss he stands there for a moment with his eyes shut and then asks her if she just kissed him. She tells him no and he opens his eyes, smiles, and tells her he did not think she did. He then asks her again if she would like to go for pie. They walk out arm in arm and the daughter comes on screen to say that he took her for pie and then he took her home and never left again. The daughter then makes the statement, “There is no greater act than being the one who kissed first." I love that statement. To me if I could change it a little I think it states a clear principle from Scripture. “There is no greater act of courage and of love than to be the first one to forgive." 

We are to forgive as Christ has forgiven us. What does that mean? It means when we were still in our sin and were His enemies He left heaven and came to earth to initiate a relationship with us. He made that possible by paying for sin so we could be redeemed, forgiven, and reconciled to Him. Of the people I have known over the years, the most forgiving people are those who understand God's grace and forgiveness in deeply personal ways. They have came to terms with their own sinfulness and then the extent of God's forgiveness. By contrast to the scene above I read a true story of a couple who had an argument one day and exchanged some really hateful words. The wife went upstairs and they never spoke to each other and never slept in the same bed again. It's sad they lost years of companionship, conversation, hugs, laughter, comfort, and yes, kisses. This was because neither had the courage to be the first one to "forgive." Neither had the courage to be the first to move back towards their spouse. Neither had the frame work of experiencing the grace of God for their sin. 

God's word tells us to forgive. "And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God, for Christ's sake, has forgiven you." (Ephesians 4:32) But, God know that forgiveness is never easy. It is one of the bravest acts of love we can extend to another person. In the face of hurt and anger it requires a willingness to risk more hurt and more rejection. It requires us to crucify our pride, our right to take revenge, and our desire to carry out our sense of justice on another. It requires we put to death the desire to cause another person to feel the pain we feel and then some. It requires trusting God to give the strength to be kind when we feel like lashing out. It requires strength as we allow God to give us words of grace seasoned with salt instead of just spewing the hateful words that pop into our minds in the moment. It requires trusting God to provide healing for heart wounds not only for past and present hurts, but our future ones as well. It requires that we trust Him to provide a way to rebuild broken relationships. 

We want to understand that forgiveness does not mean just putting one's self back into unhealthy, sinful relationships. For God has instructed us to lovingly speak truth to one another and to exhort and encourage each other to grow. If we look in the Gospels at what Christ said to people as He dealt with them we see forgiveness and we see truth telling. Along with expressions of forgiveness and acceptance He told them to go and sin no more. Forgiveness doesn’t mean we don't address issues that hurt us. However, it does mean we address them in a way that invites reconciliation and a correction of the relationship so each person and the relationship honors God. 

When we are struggling with a conflict with someone close to us we want to do some self examination. Could it be that our pride and/or theirs prevents us from restoring the relationship? If we long for the relationship to be restored, do we have the courage to "kiss first" by moving towards the person instead of withdrawing? 

Some of the sweetest relational intimacy is born out of brokenness that is healed as we work through conflict and extend forgiveness. Christ loved us first and out of that love He died for us, initiating forgiveness and restoration. I wonder are you...am I...willing to do the same for another? 

Prayer: Father, thank You for sending your Son to demonstrate Your love to us. Thank you for forgiving us of our sin and for initiating our reconciliation to You. Even in the midst of our broken relationships and our deepest hurts, give us the courage to be willing to extend forgiveness and reconciliation to others first. Please search our hearts and show us when pride rears its ugly head and hinders our ability to forgive. Please heal our hearts so we’re passionate enough in our relationships to be the first one to forgive and seek reconciliation.  Amen.