Houston, we have a Humanitarian Problem

In 2012, I had the opportunity to watch a movie called Trade of Innocents and was awakened to the ugly truth of child sex trafficking. It started the conversation in our country but did not have as big of an impact as I hoped it would. I am so thankful another movie, The Sound of Freedom, has had a much larger impact and that more people are seeing this film and talking about it. However, I have been frustrated that some news casters have claimed the film is made up conspiracy theories. I suspect that is because they want to politicize the film, so they don't have to take an honest look at the human (both adult and child) trafficking being spawned by open borders and human smugglers. 

Trafficking of humans and sexual abuse is not a conspiracy theory. Both have been around from the beginning of time. The Old Testament makes it clear that it was woven into various pagan religions when children were offered as human sacrifices and virgin daughters were sacrificed to priests who then used them as temple prostitutes. If we read through the Pentateuch and the prophetic books, we can see all sorts of ugly, horrendous actions perpetrated by mankind. The Bible tells stories that reveals that women were little more than property, not viewed as image bearers of the living God. It is clear that there were times wives and daughters were less important than men and not protected. I am going to share some stories from the Bible and encourage survivors to take care of yourself as you read.

The first story I want to talk about is found in Genesis 19. Lot and his wife and daughters had settled in Sodom and Gomorrah. Tso angels in human form came to warn Lot that God was going to destroy the cities because of their moral decline. Lot invited them into his home and soon the house was surrounded by men of all ages clamoring for Lot to deliver the men to them to gang rape. At first Lost seems like a good guy wanting to protect his guest, but things took an ugly turn when he stepped out to offer the crowd two virgin daughters to abuse instead. They tried to press past Lot to get the "men" and the angels reached out and pulled Lot inside and struck the whole group of men with blindness so that they could not get in the door. This is one place where the daughters had no agency over their bodies and lives and were seen more like property and less value than guests who were strangers. 

Now we will skip to Genesis 34 and look at Dinah's life. She was the daughter of Jacob and Leah. A Hivite prince named Shechem thought he loved her and seized her and raped her and then decided he wanted her as his wife. She again had no agency over her body or her life and like some women in our day became a political pawn. Her brothers became angry and acted like the prince could marry her, if all the men in the Hivite community would get circumcised. So, they did. Then the brothers attacked and killed all the Hivite men on the third day of surgical recovery and plundered everything belonging to those they killed, including their wives and children.

Next, we will visit 2 Sammuel 11-12. This is the story of David and Bathsheba. Most of the things I learned about early in my faith was that she seduced him. The more I read this story and the more I learned of the culture of that day, I realized that isn't true. It was a case of power rape. David as the king was supposed to be out of town fighting battles and she was bathing as was customary after her period. He was walking around his roof and saw her and sent men to bring her to him, knowing her husband was at war. I don't believe she had a lot of choice, because in the story of Esther even a ruler's wife was at the mercy of her husband if she approached him uninvited. When Bathsheba got pregnant, David had her husband killed in battle so he could hide his sin and look like he was simply providing for her. The prophet Nathan came and confronted him and him alone, by exposing his predatory choice to take someone that did not belong to him. Nathan warned him that his secret actions that had so dishonored his God would be dealt with publicly. 

The last story we will discuss is the story of Tamar found in 2 Samuel 13 and reveals an example of generational sin. David had a son named Amnon and a beautiful virgin daughter named Tamar. Amon thought he had fallen in love his half-sister and confided in one of his friends who crafted an ugly plan. Amnon followed the plan and pretended to be sick and had his dad send Tamar to bake him cakes. So, David sent her and when Tamar arrived at Amnon's house, he was lying down. She made the cakes in view of his sight and when she emptied the pan before him, he refused to get up to eat. He sent everyone else out of the home and told Tamar to bring the food into his chamber and feed him. She took the cakes to him and when she leaned over with a cake in hand, he told her to come lie with him. She said, "No, my brother, do not violate me, for such a thing is not done in Israel; do not do this outrageous thing." She went on to remind him of the shame she would bear and that he would be considered a fool. She suggested he talk to their father to see if they could marry. He took her by force and violated her and immediately Amnon hated her with a hatred way deeper that the "love" he had loved her with. He he told her to go, leaving filled with shame and grief she put ashes on her head, robe that signified her status as a virgin daughter. She wept hard and lived a desolate life in her brother Absalom's house. And even though David got angry when he heard about the rape, he asked Absalom to spare his life, offering Tamar no words of comfort with the lack of justice for her.  

Even though these are Biblical Stories, the behaviors of the people involved do not reflect the heart of God. God cares about children. Matthew 18:10 says, "See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven." In addition, Jesus crossed the social norms of his day to serve children and women. Matthew 10:24 says, "And whoever gives one of these little ones even a cup of cold water because he is a disciple, truly, I say to you, he will by no means lose his reward." Matthew 18:6 says, "But whoever causes one of these little ones who believes in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea."  

Jesus actions crossed the social and cultural mores of his day. He healed two daughters in Mark 5:21-43. The first was a 12-year-old whose dad was Jarius, a leader of the synagogue. The second had been bleeding for the entire 12 years the other had been alive. Her bleeding wasn't an inconvenience, it was a matter of life and death and had left her poverty stricken and exiled from social activities. But for some reason she believed if she could touch His clothing, she would be well. She reached. She touched and she was healed and Jesus' words, "Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace and be healed of your disease," sweetly reestablished her socially into the community. Jesus then went to Jairus's home where is little girl lay, having passed away. He raised her from the dead and told them to give her something to eat. This passage of care is a powerful antidote to misogynistic tendencies of men in that day. It proves that women and children are not less valuable than men in God's eyes.

John 8:1-11 is the story of a woman who was caught in adultery. She was thrust at Jesus feet without the partner of the adulterous act. Jesus penned untold words in the sand and challenged those who were without sin to cast the first stones. And one by one the men turned and left, and Jesus tells looked her in the eye and said, "Neither do I condemn you." Jesus made it clear that church is to be a place of compassion and grace, even for women. He also made it clear that women were not to be expected to pay for the sins of the men in their life. 

In John 4:1-30, Jesus crossed the barriers of gender, nationality, tribe, and religion when he conveniently sits by a well so that he can have a lengthy conversation with a Samaritan woman who had had five husbands and was now living with a man to whom she wasn't married. After touching on her life's story, the conversation turned into theological debate that resulted in her believing in Jesus and God used this socially ostracized daughter to bring her community to Himself. 

In Luke 13:10-17 Jesus was confronted for healing a woman who had been suffering physically for 18 years on the Sabbath. He stood up to the religious leaders who condemned the healing on the Sabbath saying, "Ought not this woman, a daughter of Abraham who Satan bound for eighteen long years, be set free from this bondage on the Sabbath day?  

And then in Mark 14:3-9 another woman poured costly ointment on Jesus' head, causing those in the vicinity to complain about the waist. Jesus again defended her for showing Him love in the way she did. He said, "Truly I tell you, wherever the good news is proclaimed in the whole world, what she has done will be told in remembrance of her." He was defending and celebrating her lavish act of love in the anointing of His body and the fact that women are often the intuitive and compassionate ones to meet important needs. 

With what I have shared I hope you can see that the stories of abuse are nothing new to this world. They are not conspiracy theories. They happen everywhere--both inside and outside the church. It happens in families, friend circles, in communities, in schools, in every people group across the world. When will we wake up as human beings and realize this is not a political issue, not made-up stories of hysterical women, it is a critical humanitarian crisis that needs immediate attention, Our God's heart is weeping for every victim, and the Lion of Judah--He is roaring to get our attention. How are we going to respond? What actions are we going to take. 

Have we Failed in our Responsibilities

The Kavanaugh hearings has been hard on our country, especially those who have experienced sexual trauma. The hearings showed us just how ill equipped our nation is to handle the impact of the "Me, too, movement. Many of us were glued to our televisions as Dr. Blasey Ford and Bret Kavanaugh testified before a Judicial committee. Many had already made up their minds and few opinions were swayed by what we heard.

As someone who serves survivors, I found her testimony and demeanor in line with those who are in the early stages of facing past trauma. At the same time, I found myself wanting to believe him, too. Some felt that the gaps in her memories proved she was lying. Yet, our minds are not video cameras, documenting every detail in our lives. Memories are fluid and impacted by our interpretations of the events we experience. They are also impacted by what others tell us, by what we tell ourselves,by how we process those events, and even by our belief systems. When we feel powerless and experience an event as traumatic, some details are seared into the brain and others are forgotten.

Right after 9/11 some people were asked to write down what they experienced. Years later some of them were asked to write down what they remembered about those days and they found that two accounts written by the same person could be different. One might write in their first account that they were on the street with a friend watching as the towers fell and in the second account write they were home, watching the event on TV and called their friend. When some were shown what they originally wrote, they said they didn't know why they would have written what they did in the first account. Maybe their memories changed so they could feel safer or could have a sense of distance from the horrific event they experienced. 

As I watched Kavanaugh testify, I saw the hurt written on his face as well as the pain on the face of his wife and I ached for them as much as I ached for Christine. None of them should have become pawns in our sick political system. I have been processing this and have come to the conclusion that maybe we as a nation are partly responsible for what happened on that day. We have failed to teach our kids to handle themselves appropriately and failed to call for change earlier. Most of all, I think we, as believers, have failed to teach our children God's design. 

Since the fall of Adam and Eve, relationships between men and women have been complicated and teens who begin to date and socialize just as their hormones start raging have little skills to navigate these new relationships. We haven't done a good job of equipping them or protecting them from themselves. Their brains are not fully developed and alcohol and drugs diminishes their impulse control and the ability to make godly, loving decisions and sometimes we are complicit in their use of substances that do that. Out of that comes situations in which an encounter can feel consensual to one and like an assault to another. We can't keep pretending that underage substance use and boyish behaviors are big problems. Some of us have simply been too trusting of our teens, leaving them unsupervised, trying to navigate the messiness of relationships without needed skills.    

At the time I was dating I knew guys who behaved the way Ford described Kavanaugh and his friends and I was warned by guys that there were guys who got girls drunk just to add notches to their headboards. I used that info to keep myself safe. Yet, gals were groped in the cafeteria line, guys let their junk hang out as they sunbathed in front of girl's dorms. And walks back to the dorm after late classes were scary, leaving us vulnerable to inappropriate names being shouted by a pack of men who congregated in front of the cafeteria. And dating more often than not turned into nights of guys constantly trying to push past  "No's!" 

Our culture has become even more sexualized and telling someone to stop or say, "No!" hasn't been enough for a very long time. We have strayed so far from God's design. God created Adam and Eve in His own image and they were naked and unashamed and related with the Him and each other with joy. They were unafraid and vulnerable and their sexuality was closely tied to their spirituality. But, Satan tempted them, promising they would become like the Creator and that hooked Eve. As Eve listened to his beguiling voice, she forgot she was a woman delicately created in the image of her God and she bit. Then Adam bit and they were instantly filled with shame and tried to cover it with leaves. As the Creator approached the leaves were inadequate to cover their shame and they hid. God confronted them, inviting them to repent. But Eve blamed the Serpent. Adam blamed Eve. And, then Adam blamed God. 

Their choice that day killed them spiritually and eventually physically. It also marred their ability to trust God and each other and put a chasm between their sexuality and spirituality as shown by the core of shame that had developed. Graciously, the  Creator reached out and clothed them in animal skins, picturing the Messiah who would save.    

As we fast forward past sad stories of jealousy, murder, sin, violence, and ugly dysfunctions, we find a barren couple, old in age, living in a culture that worshipped gods of fertility. The sacrifices given to appease these gods were virgin daughters taken by temple priests and babies who were burned as offerings. Sexuality was no longer used in its intended context became so perverted it ceased to be marked with love or integrity. The Creator told the old couple to separate themselves and go to a new land and He promised them a child. After a few lapses in trust and judgement God reaffirmed His covenant with them. At just the right time He gave them a child and they named him Laughter! Through the covenant the Creator revealed that He was God of life and He sought to heal the fracture between human sexuality and spirituality.

From the beginning sex has been a gift designed to take place in the covenant of marriage, which pictures the relationship Christ has with His church. God's plan called for sexual integrity as sex was designed to seal the covenant marriage. The Creator designed us with bodies that were different, his to be aroused by sight to insure pursuit and hers to be aroused by emotional intimacy to insure commitment. The Creator designed us to enjoy pleasure followed by a release of hormones that cause two people to be bonded into one, giving them a safe place to be vulnerable and real.

Our sexualized culture continues to drive wedges between sexuality and spirituality. Rampant porn is selfish, addicting, and doesn't reflect the Lord at all. Kids are growing up in fractured homes broken by sin, selfishness, violence, and perversion. Some are being sacrificed through sexual abuse. "Free sex" is destroying the part of us that is to bond with another. This is because to survive serial sex we disassociate from the bonding process that is take to place between spouses.

As believers we must teach our sons to be sexually pure and to date in Godly ways, challenging any sense of entitlement they might have. We must teach them that mistreating dates who say, "No," is abusive and challenge the bragging that follows sinful conquests. We must teach our sons to look at young women as creations of God, as daughters of the King, as sisters in Christ, and as potential spouses to be protected. We must teach them to hold virginity (theirs and another's) in high regard and treat it as something to be preserved, not robbed. We must teach them not to ask a girl for sex outside of marriage. We must stop saying, "Boys will be boys and men will be men!" Guys are not victims to their bodies. We must tell them that one out of three girls they date has been abused and to not treat them honorably can forever put him in the same class as her abusers. They need to understand their actions have consequences and can haunt them later and that what they do now has the potential to bless or harm their future spouse.   

We need to teach our daughters to walk with dignity and God-confidence that commands respect and proper treatment. We must love them so well that they are willing to walk away from ungodly relationships. We must teach them to walk with God in such a way they would not entice a young man to lust or enter a sexual relationship for a false sense of acceptance. We must teach our daughters their bodies were bought with the blood of Christ and are not theirs to give away outside of marriage. We must teach them their identity comes in being the daughter of the King, fully loved and accepted, not in losing their virtue to a guy she wants to hold on to.

We are responsible for what happened on that committee when we fail to model and teach these things to our children. We can't assume they learn them by osmosis. We need to model godly behaviors. Men to assume responsibility for their personal godliness and teach their sons to bounce their eyes instead of ogling girls they pass. Women need to model respect for men and teach their daughters to let God fill them, so they are not looking for love where it can't be found. We need to teach our children-the right of ownership over one's body, the importance of consent for every level of a relationship, and the beauty of covenant marriage and the role of sex within it. We also need to teach children to date in ways that honors God and each other. There is nothing wrong with desire, but they can either learn to let the desire grow into destructive lust that will result in anger and entitlement or they can use the desire to remind them to draw near to God who can enable to them to walk in a manner to which He has called them. 

We are also responsible for what happened in that committee when we have seen inappropriate things and stayed silent and didn't try to help. Some of the deepest wounds are felt when a survivor believes someone saw something turned away. Some were hurt when they tried to tell and were silenced. I think most of us can recall something we saw that caused us to feel uncomfortable and we chose in the moment to not make waves by confronting it or maybe we talked ourselves into believing what we saw wasn't really what we saw or we worried we saw it wrong. We need to pay attention and not be complicit through silence. The following is a link to a blog that describes what I mean in detail. (https://acestoohigh.com/2018/10/10/i-was-a-witness-to-serial-silence/)  

Some want this highly sexualized culture to advance. But, it has already has left us with an epidemic of depression, anxiety, high suicide rates, STD's, and babies being savagely sucked from wombs. We also have higher numbers of sexual abuse cases being reported along with kidnappings and people being trafficked against their will. And even in the midst of the sexual revolution we are still lonely, disconnected, and discontent, looking for something to fill our empty hearts. I believe what each of us really wants is the sacrificial love symbolized by a blood stained cross and the nail-scared hands of the Savior. Intimacy with Him feeds the deepest parts of our hearts and teaches us to love one another with a love that is long-lasting, committed, sacrificial, and binding. With that love we would have less situations like Judge Kavanaugh's to face. I hope we learn to be gracious to both Dr. Ford and Judge Kavanaugh no matter what we believe about them. I hope we rise to the call for needed change by accepting the fact that we can do better if we don't assume our sons and our daughters know how to navigate the messiness of their first relationships.     

Don't we want our young people to feel safe enough and strong enough and loved enough that they could choose to love another with all that they are, not just the fractured parts of themselves left by sinful choices. What would happen if we refused to let children be prematurely awakened sexually so that obedience to the Creator's plan felt right and was doable and offered deep soul connections that satisfied. Maybe if we took personal responsibility seriously we could turn this painful way we have had of developing relationships into one that is God honoring and leaves no room for accusations. I know...it is an idealist wish, but sitting by and doing nothing has done nothing to help. 

No More Shame

Ten years ago, we started a support group ministry that serves women who have experienced childhood sexual abuse. Over time we expanded the ministry to serve those who have experienced other kinds of abuses, those struggling with dysfunctional and painful relationships, those trapped in the painful cycles of eating disordered thoughts and behaviors, and those struggling to manage their emotions. The women have ranged from age eighteen to 73. The women have come from all walks of life and from a variety of churches. Some are referred to us from counselors' offices and ministries that serve addicts and those rescued from sex trafficking. We've had women from different ethnic backgrounds and economic statuses. We have had some who are single, some who are married, and some who are divorced, and some who are moms and others who are longing to be. We've served those who could barely read and those with advanced degrees who work in various professions including teaching, nursing, counseling, journalists, and lawyers.

Though the women come from different backgrounds and experienced different kinds of abuse, they have a core of shame in common. A core that bubbles to the surface when they walk into our doors. For some their shame will manifest itself in downcast eyes, slumped shoulders, depression, and soft voices. For some shame will express through denial, passivity, and words that are dismissed with a shrug. For some shame will show as defiance, seeking offences anywhere and everywhere, and anger loudly projected on those closest to them. For some shame looks like strong, loud, angry voices that express contempt towards specific genders or people groups and for some it is contempt for self. For some shame looks like humor that attempts to silence serious discussions that could reveal their hearts or surface serious unspoken questions, sad memories, and painful feelings. For some shame looks like ambivalence with a draw to tell their story one day and a strong desire to run the next. For some shame looks like a body starved to the bone, for others a body cloaked in a protective abundance of curve-hiding fat. For some shame looks like baggy clothes and no makeup and for others it;s perfectly coiffed hair, perfectly manicured nails, face perfectly made up, and high-end, stylish clothing.

As they get comfortable and begin to share stories. they begin to talk the language of shame. It may come out in statements that assume blame for others's actions. Statements like: "It was my fault I was abused." "It was my fault that my Dad left when I was a baby." "It was my fault mom didn't help me." "It was my fault my mom suffered with depression." "It was my fault that my husband hit me." "It was my fault those hate-filled words were hurled at me." "It was my fault, I was raped." "It was my fault, my abuser went to jail." "If only I had been better, it might not have happened." "If only I had worn different clothes." "If only I hadn't gone to the store in the dark." "If only I hadn't burned his dinner." "It. Was. My. Fault." "If only I'd..."

Shame is also revealed in the words with which women describe themselves. Words many heard over and over as children, and some even into adulthood. Words they came to believe as a result of horrific trauma experienced at the hands of predators at the tender age their core beliefs about God, life, others, and themselves were being formed. Words they rarely speak aloud, yet, words they have assumed as their identity. Words that drive their actions, reactions, speech, their relationships, and their lack thereof. Words the Enemy continues to whisper until the day they walk into our groups. Words painful to hear, words painful to read, words painful to say aloud, and words painful to feel. Words that truly do not describe the beautiful women sitting across from our leaders--words like: unclean, dirty, defective, trashed, stupid, dumb, weak, slutty, unworthy, unlovable, unloved, cowardly, idiotic, confused, wrong, disgusting, failure, bad, nasty, horrible, ugly, overly dramatic, liar, victim, disappointment, weird, wrong, whore, freak, unneeded, unwanted, waste of space, undeserving, messed up, fat, mental, crazy, alone, humiliation, pathetic, repulsive, smelly, despicable, grotesque, bothersome, naughty, too broken, too needy, and not good enough. Words that they believe more strongly than they believe God's truth.

Even though the ladies come to our groups are believers, they struggle to trust Christ. It is not until they examine His trauma as the Sacrificial Lamb that they begin to trust Him more fully with their stories. As they begin to trust Him, they begin to examine what they believe about themselves in light of what God says in His Word. They come to understand they are fearfully and wonderfully made and the sin perpetrated is about the heart of the perpetrators, not them. They begin to grasp that in Christ they have been made clean, whole, and deserving. In Christ, they are made honorable, respectable, and reputable. In Christ they have gained the ability to be successful, relying on Him to guide them. They begin to understand that, to Christ, they are beloved, cherished, and adopted daughters. In Christ, they are empowered, victorious, courageous, and strong. They grasp that they have been reconciled, restored, and redeemed, and their healing begins as they rebuke lies and begin to live out of God's truth. They even begin to believe that because of Christ they are beautiful, virtuous, significant, and always desired. In Christ they are sane because the Holy Spirit has given them the mind of Christ and can silence the voice when they take their thoughts captive. As they take the truth of their stories and lay them at the feet of the traumatized Savior, they end group knowing they were heard, they were seen, and they were believed.

God has always loved and chosen broken women women--women whose stories were told in His Word--Stories like Sarah's, the two Tamar's, Rahab's, Abigail's, Ruth's, Bathsheba's, Esther's, the woman caught in adultery, and the Samaritan woman at the well. The woman who touched the hem of His garment, Mary and Martha, and Mary Magdalene, All women who felt like outsiders, who were mistreated, rejected, and who suffered loss. Women who didn't handle life well, sinning to try to get their needs met. Women who felt invisible, unheard, and unappreciated. Women who believed the same stinking lies we did! Women who, like us, were adopted into His family, given access to His heart through His Word, who have received a new heritage with the saints that have gone before us.

I encourage you to take a listen to Natalie Grant's song Clean on iTunes: http://smarturl.it/BeOne or on her Facebook page. It was written after a friend of hers had shared the story of her abuse. The words are so appropriate for each one of us:

"Washed in the blood of your sacrifice

 Your blood flowed red and 

 Made me white

 My dirty rags are purified 

 I AM CLEAN"

Navigating Disgusting Times in a Godly Way

I was going to blog more on things God never said. But last week Trump's video stirred my heart in another direction. I've been victimized by that type of behavior. To get to my locker in high school, I had to pass a line of boys leaning against the wall looking girls over as they passed. And as the girl's PE teacher's assistant I was left alone in her office and several football players came in to talk. At first the conversation was fun, but it turned ugly as they crudely discussed someone's sexual conquest in graphic terms. I tried to take a stand, but the talk continued. I finally looked at one of the guys I respected who had a girlfriend who was beautiful inside and out and asked, "How would you feel if they were talking about your girlfriend like this?" He hung his head. So, I shook my head and went to the library. The teacher told my mom I disappeared and my mom told me not to leave like that. What my parents and teacher didn't know is I had already experienced sexual assault--the first time at the age of four and the guy's comments fed the shame birthed through abuse and fueled the hatred I felt toward my body. That shame that hindered me from feeling righteous anger that could have enabled me to more assertively confront the "Locker Room Talk."

Then during college our campus had several rapes reported and I was nervous when I left class after dark and walked to my dorm alone. One night when I got near the cafeteria, a group of athletes had gathered and one whistled and I started walking faster. Then the whole group started whistling and calling out things I didn't want to hear so I didn't respond and they began to curse me, getting louder and more verbally aggressive. During that time dates also ended in wrestling matches where "no's" weren't respected and shaming words were spewed when I wanted to go home. Guys exposed themselves and girls were groped in cafeteria lines. I didn't invite unwanted attention. I didn't give consent for touch. I didn't ask to hear the crude things spewed at me. I know women who have experienced this in work places and in churches as well. For awhile, I believed being born woman meant I had to bear with men's bad behavior and assume partial or full responsibility for it.

Even after marriage my husband's dad made comments about women's bodies and about my body in particular. His were along the line of breast size, booty size, and being too fat--too fat at 120, too fat pregnant, and too fat post pregnancy. People said it was no big deal, just to forgive him. But it never stopped and the problem was that he was constantly looking at my body, leaving me uncomfortable being a woman. That is not okay! I also had a male doctor grope a breast as he commented about the milk that size breast could produce. I had another male doctor whose time was more valuable than my comfort who sewed me up after childbirth without numbing me. He ignored my pleas to stop as he caused more traumatizing pain to an area of my body already hurting. A year later I had a panic attack as I walked in for my yearly check up and left. I avoided doctors for years until friends helped me find compassionate men and women and counselors taught me how to change doctors when doctors didn't listen to my voice.

Please hear my words! 

EVERY LEER, EVERY WORD INAPPROPRIATELY SPOKEN, EVERY ACT OF ABUSE, AND EVERY ACT AND ATTITUDE THAT SHOWED A LACK OF COMPASSION BY PROFESSIONAL MEN MATTERED. 

It mattered because it shaped my view of God, others, and myself in negative ways. It impacted my ability to give and receive love. It impaired my ability to trust even good men and women who meant no harm. The rape culture took away my voice and made me feel unsafe in my own skin. It hindered my ability to embrace the beauty of being created a woman and all of the joy that comes with that.    

I for one am not surprised by Trump's tape; it totally fits with the character he has had on display over the years. We must remember Trump's words were more than words; they were a revelation of sexual assault. He is either lying now or he in some sick way thought he would look better in another man's eyes if he bragged about assaulting women. Either is sick. I find myself wondering why a guy like him and a man like my father-in-law think they are qualified to judge the value and worth of women by appearance.

We've had a lot of bad behavior from presidents over the years. So, I get why some think its okay to vote for him. But I become enraged when people, especially believers, negate what he said to justify voting for him. I get even more enraged when they try to guilt, manipulate, and shame others into voting for him as well, especially when throw in that Trump claims he is against abortion. As a survivor, I will not let anyone emotionally or spiritually abuse me by using guilt, shame, fear, or manipulation to get me to vote for any candidate.

I will pray and I will seek God's wisdom and I will vote as He leads me. I wish we could have healthy, godly  conversations about political issues so we can solve horrible problems like abortion, illegal immigration, terrorism, and refugees in need. I wish we could share information without coloring it and misquoting people and spinning the truth to get votes. Yesterday I listened to two videos side by side of Trump and Clinton speaking on immigration and the truth is they agree on that issue when they are not misquoting each other or putting words into each others mouths!

There is a high correlation between abortion and sexual abuse, rape, and the demeaning of women. I hate abortion with a passion. I held my granddaughter when she weighed two pounds and was fighting for her life, wondering how anyone could believe a baby at six months gestation is only tissue. Her gold-spun hair, her precious personality, her expressions, and her fight to live were proof she was human, not tissue. Her coming out of the womb didn't change her from a blob to a baby and I hate it that women are being lied to about that. There are a lot of things we need to change to change our abortion culture. One of them is the rape culture in which we live.

We desperately need men who passionately love God to rise up with integrity and pursue purity to say no more to this rape culture! We need men to understand the rape culture is not harmless! We need them to commit to treating women with kindness, respect, and care. We need them to hold themselves and each other accountable to godly character, behavior, and conversations. We need them to obey the Scriptures and speak words that build up those who hear. We need them to realize it is more manly to respect women than it is to participate in vulgar speech. We need them to realize they are never more attractive than when they teach their sons to respect their moms, sisters, daughters, grandmothers, and granddaughters. We need men to rise up and teach their sons that they aren't victims to their bodies and they can be attracted to women and still treat them with respect and remain pure. Believers don't have the right to ask for sex before marriage and sure don't have the right to touch without consent. As God's image bearers, men do not have the right to look women up and down and leer at them and make lewd comments. We need men to show their daughters how good men act so they don't settle for anything less than a good man.

We women are not off the hook either. We are buying into the rape culture when we get our value and worth from the attention of men. We need to go against culture and carry ourselves in ways that commands respect. We need to guard our hearts and be sure our behavior and words gives a clear messages for our desire for pure, godly relationships. We need to rise up and teach out daughters to find their worth and value in Christ, not in boys who aren't mature enough to always make the best decisions. We need to protect them from abuse. We need to believe them when abuse occurs and care for them even if it exposes family, church, friends, or teachers so they can move past it and not let it define them. We need to teach our daughters that it is okay for girls to say, "No!" It is okay for girls to break up with a boy who is pressuring them. It is okay to ask to be taken home if boundaries aren't respected. We need to teach daughters that no job and no man is worth selling out our integrity. We need to teach our daughters that it is not rude to disengage from conversation that aren't safe and godly. We need to teach our daughters to not to contribute to the tearing down of women by participating in bullying. We need to teach our daughters to respect their fathers, grandfathers, brothers and sons. We need to teach our daughters that it is more godly to work together at changing the rape culture than finding power over it by becoming abusers.

We need to teach our sons and our daughters that men and women were created to complement each other in function and in relationship, but that we were created to find our completion only in Christ.

So, how do we navigate these disgusting times? We stand for truth--all of it! We seek God's wisdom. We don't guilt or shame others into voting our way and we don't let others guilt or shame us into voting in a way that violates our conscience. Finally, we choose to trust God's sovereignty.

As Max Lucaddo said in a recent post, on November 9 God will still be in charge and His throne will still be occupied. His providence never has, doesn't now, and never will depend on the president of the United States. God has used pagan kings in the past and can certainly use pagan presidents in ways we can't even imagine. He has already used Trump's own words to help scores of women find their voice and tell their stories of abuse for the first time. God can humble prideful leaders as he did Nebuchadnezzar.

Resting in God's sovereignty restores a sense of peace. It restores peace in our relationships when we accept that God is sovereign no matter how you or I vote and that neither of our votes will dethrone the King of kings. God is the only being worth trusting and maybe, just maybe, one of the reasons we're stuck with two immoral people vying for office is that God wants us to see His goodness, wants to see where our lack of integrity can take us, and wants us to recognize He is God and they are not. We do have the responsibility to educate ourselves best we can, but the bottom line is: God is still in control! To live like I believe that truth is the way for me to navigate these disgusting times in a godly way.

The Transformation of Shame to Glory

"But you, O LORD, are a shield about me,

my glory, and the lifter of my head."

Psalm 3:3

 

I recently had the privilege of hearing my favorite author, Diane Langberg, speak on the topic of shame. It reminded me of the journey I've been on the last few years. I will be sharing some of her thoughts in this post. Her talk was titled "Shame and Trauma" and was given at the AACC Be Strong World Conference 2015 and can be purchased from their website.

Shame is a very uncomfortable emotion and is experienced in relationships. It begins in childhood when we realize we're "less than" others. Little boys feel it when they realize they aren't as strong as Dad. Little girls experience it when they realize they can't read as well as Mom. It's also apparent  when we observe a parent in a store, dragging a little one behind. We can read shame in the child's face as she believes she's defective because she can't keep up. 

After The Fall, Adam and Eve's emotional response to sin was shame. To hide their shame they covered the parts of themselves that were different. But, the coverings couldn't cover the shame running deep within. So, when they heard the Lord coming, they tried hiding, but the hiding couldn't conceal the wrong done or the shame felt. So, they blamed--Eve blamed the serpent, Adam blamed Eve, and Adam cast a bit of blame in God's direction, as well. But, the covering, the hiding, and the blaming couldn't alleviate their shame. So, shame was passed down to their children, who passed it down to their children, who passed it down to their children, all the way down to you and to me.

I admit that shame is something I've been intimately acquainted with. My first memory of it was developmental shame. On a family trip, Mom started singing beautifully. I was around age four and started singing with her and did okay as I sang melody with her. Then she asked me to sing the melody so she could harmonize. But when she sang harmony I couldn't hear the melody in my head and couldn't harmonize with her. Though she tried to ease my discomfort, I heard her words through a veil of shame and sat there with face beet-red, believing I wasn't as good as her.

Another source of shame was inflicted upon me when I was abused. I was too young to understand what had happened the first time, but old enough to understand something shameful had occurred.  The shame grew with a few more abusive encounters and grew again when I was old enough to realize what had happened. I carried the shame of being chose by those abusers--shame that was really theirs to bear.

Shame also surfaced when I disobeyed my parents and was punished because I interpreted punishment and love as mutually exclusive and believed, when punished, I was too bad to be loved.

Shame also surfaced with the realization that I had the power to inflict pain with words, with silences, with actions, and with inaction.

Then shame sank all the way to the core when we were in an accident in which there was a fatality. I believed I should have been able to stop the accident. We weren't to talk about it, so I stuffed the shame and developed an eating disorder. I focused on calorie-counting, obsessive exercise, and  numbers on the scale to avoid feeling shame caused by the accident and by a maturing body that was drawing unwanted attention.

The eating disorder brought its own shame, but the shame of not being a size 1 and less than 95 pounds, as bad as it felt, was better than experiencing the shame of sin, of abuse, of the accident, of being inadequate, and of feeling defective. As shame grew, I avoided its pain with anger that anger ran hot. It was turned inward so both my real and my imagined failures were met with self-contempt.

Shame runs all the way to the core, because we are bent to do wrong. It runs to the core because we hide our trues selves behind masks that we're too terrified to remove and we know the selves we present are false. Shame runs to the core because we've been deeply wounded by others, leaving us believing we aren't worth loving, we aren't good enough to be accepted, or we aren't valuable enough to be cared for. It runs to the core because of broken relationships we can't mend, move past, or in which we haven't be able to give or receive forgiveness. It runs deep because at the end of the day we know just how poorly we fulfill the command to love as Jesus loves.

I've known many others like me, who numbed shame with self-hatred, believing and living as invisible individuals, not worth the space they take up, the food they eat, or the compliments they receive. I've also known others who numbed shame by having contempt for others. These are dear souls whose judgments are harsh, whose words cut deep, or who cast doubt on the character of others with words softly, but slyly spoken.

I wouldn't be surprised if under the hateful actions of bullies, rapists, mass shooters, runs a core of shame so deep it's strangling the good in them. They avoid  shame by verbal assaulting, physically assaulting, raping, or murdering any who might see their shame. Shame drives the hatred that is spewed at individuals and people groups like families, genders, races, religions, or whole cultures.

We can experience communal shame that is felt when someone in our community sins. For example, when church leaders fall, we all feel the shame. When a family member fails, the whole family feels the impact. This thing called shame can be governed by culture whose morals codes are different. In our culture, we experience shame more as individuals. But in other cultures shame is felt when family honor is broken by things like poor grades, not giving birth to a man child, or by being raped. Diane shared stories of women who were killed by family members because they were victims of rape, which brought disgrace to their families and the only way out of the shame was killing the victim.

Shame is a thief. It robs us of dignity, of relationships, of being fully known, and of being accepted. When God asked Adam and Eve where they were after they sinned, it was because He wanted to see them and set them free from the shame they were experiencing. But in shame they feared exposure. Like them, we hide our shamed selves. We hide from the exposure of guilt,  dishonor, humiliation, and inadequacy. We hide behind arrogance, education, economic status, power, self-contempt, others-contempt, alcohol, drugs, eating disorders, rage, good behavior, bad behavior, and ultimately suicide. Hiding can never resolve shame, it only deepen it because  isolation  allows shame-filled thoughts to fill our minds--thoughts like "I am too big," "I am too ugly," "I am too stupid," "I and too defective," as well as thoughts like "I am a loser," "I don't have a spiritual gift," or "I don't fit in anywhere." As Diane pointed out, it causes us to measure our uniqueness from how defective we believe we are rather than from the gifts, abilities, and intelligence we have.  Shame runs deeper than emotions because, in shame, we lose sight of who we were created to be as image bearers of the great I AM. She pointed out that shame has been handed down generation after generation and so people curse, use drugs, sell themselves, inflict pain, and we murder. And all of this is because shame was the loss of glory we all experienced in The Fall.

Diane also pointed out that our responses to shame are the same responses we have towards trauma. First, we respond by fighting. We do this by attacking our selves through starvation or other self-destructive behaviors. We do this by attacking others, especially those that might expose us or our weaknesses. Second we respond by fleeing. We do this by isolating or being over zealous in religious activity and a frenzy of work. Third, we respond by freezing. We do this by dissociating so no one will see us and so no one can make us own our shame. We also do this by remaining silent or passive. Regardless of our response the goal is always to make sure the real us won't be seen.

Yet there is so much more to the story!

We were created in God's image to bear His glory, not to live as disgraced, blemished, reprehensible, and inadequate beings. We're to remember God Himself covered Adam and Eve with animal skins, pointing to the Savior who shed His blood for sin and shame. It's God who is our glory and the one who takes our head and lifts it up so we can view His beautiful face.

He is a Savior deeply acquainted with shame. He was a born to  an unwed mother and came from shameful region called Nazareth. He rubbed shoulders with the poor, the tax collectors, the women, the prostitutes, the lepers, the maimed, the blind, the deaf, the demon possessed, and even the half-bred Samaritans, all of whom were considered people of shame. He was accused of being Beelzebub, crazy, and a liar. He was rejected and sold for the price of a slave. Arrested by religious leaders, He was crowd-mocked, face-slapped, spittle-drenched, beard-plucked, clothing-stripped, and cross-hung. In death He bore the full weight of our sin and our shame. Yet, He did not hang His face, He despised shame and looked it squarely in the face until His redemptive work was done.

We were called in Hebrews to fix our eyes upon Him. As we behold Him, we are fully seen by Him and our shame is transformed into glory as our position as Image bearers is restored. When we grasp that, we are free of shame. We are free to love and free to go to the shamed and identify with them as Jesus did us. We are free to lift their faces so they, too, can behold His face and have their shame transformed to glory.

The questions we must face is, "Where is our gaze? Is it on ourselves as we bury our shame or is it on Him who can set us free?"

Stupid Stuff we Christians Say

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep."

Romans 12:15

 

A while back a friend showed me a humorous clip on YouTube in which two guys were talking and everything said was said in the catchphrases Christians use. When I saw the clip, I laughed. But afterward I thought about a friend I met in a recovery group. He came to our group as an unbeliever with a great big hunger for God. Our group was lead by a great teacher who was sensitive the group members. One night as he was teaching on a passage, the guy raised his hand and said that the passage just made him angry and that he was totally confused by what we were reading. The teacher took it all in stride and encouraged dialogue, carefully answering questions with out using church lingo. He even went on to teach a Bible Study specifically designed for the new believers in the group so they could ask questions and express whatever emotions came up with what they read. They went through the book of John which showed them how Christ related to people. I have often wondered since then, how many people come in and sit down in a church hear church jargon that sounds like Greek to them.

Since that time I have been serving in a ministry that offers support groups for women and many of them come into our group with some deep heart wounds. And some of the stuff Christians have said to them as they attempted to share about their emotional pain is what I have come to place in the category of "Stupid stuff Christians say to hurting people!" Today I want to just address a few of those things we graced humans have a tendency to say when we come into contact with another's pain.

We've had women share about their journey with clinical depression. Most were told at one time or another by Christians that if they would just read their Bible more, pray harder, serve others, love God more, and quit being self-centered they would feel better. Now, I know when I have a melancholy day, I can try anyone of those things and I will feel better. But people who are struggling with clinical depression have brain chemical imbalances that are severe enough to cause the negative thoughts with which they struggle. The imbalance also causes body aches and a lack of energy so profound that getting out of bed and into clothes can leave them totally exhausted. Sometimes the imbalance even causes dense brain fog that makes focusing on prayer and Bible reading next to impossible. Most all of them also express shame that runs deep because they mistakenly believe good Christians aren't supposed to feel depressed. They label themselves as defective because they haven't been able to pull themselves out of the funk they feel like they are drowning in. Quite frankly, the simplistic suggestions and admonitions others give them don't help. If anything, the comments deepen the shame they experience, reinforce the desire to isolate, and feeds the negative view of themselves. Thankfully, most of our ladies connect with Christian therapists who offer them the support that they need to get better. Out of all the ladies I have worked with in group, I can only remember one who had a caring response from someone with whom she had shared her struggle with depression. The person told her she was sorry she was hurting, was thankful she shared her story, and that she would love to hear what God teaches her through the season of depression when she was ready to share it. Our lady felt validated and began to hope that God would even use the depression in her life." Sadly, one of the most shaming statements depressed women hear, is that God won't give them more than they can handle. They are trying hard to hold on, but the joy seems out of reach. 

A few years ago I sat in the ICU unit with our son for a two week span. I did everything I was supposed to do as a good Christian lady. I pretty much held it together and stuffed the overwhelming fear I felt and the grief of almost losing him. I sat with him day after day silently praying his body would heal and he could come home with me. I had some good friends who were checking up on us, but at the time I had a lot of misconceptions of what a Christian was supposed to be like. My friends told me letter they were both worried that our circumstances were going to catch up with me sooner or later, but I maintained I was fine when asked. It was not until after our son was well enough to come home that I had a chance to breath and my emotions began to churn inside. I bumped into a couple of acquaintances who had heard about our sons accident. They asked about him and as I thought about what we had been through I became overwhelmed with emotion and I began blurting out the whole story to these people I casually knew. Both of the them interrupted my monologue, saying, "Isn't he okay now?" In the moment I needed to share my story and what it felt like to sit in a hospital praying for my child to be healed, knowing there was nothing I could do to insure I would get the answer my heart desired. I needed to share how vulnerable it felt to trust doctors we had just met to make crucial decisions concerning his health and treatment plan. I just needed the people to hear my story and mirror my fear and grief before I could rejoice. I realize they had no clue their question triggered suppressed emotions and I really caught them off guard with the intensity I felt. I learned from that experience to journal prayers and in those prayers to be honest and transparent with God as I go through things. I learned how to ask safe people to let me talk during painful events so that I don't bottle it up. But I also leaned that when I ask someone how she is doing and she begins to tell me her story, to let her talk about her deepest fears, anxieties, and desires. I learned to thank her for trusting me enough to be real. It feels sacred to have another person share their hard with me. The most frustrating words I heard during that time, "Thank goodness God will only give you what you can handle."

As I sat in the hospital I remembered having coffee with a friend whose child is severely disabled and requires constant care. She allowed me to ask her questions about her journey and I was blessed by her honesty. Her daughter suffers severe pain daily that would make any mama feel as if her heart is being squeezed in two by a vice grip. Her daughter's health is fragile and she faces the possibility of losing her often. Their suffering is long term and their suffering is intense. When I asked how people have responded to their situation she shared that when she first tells people about it, they are compassionate and offer to pray with and for her and her family. Some have been, still are, and will continue to be their faithful prayer warriors for as long as they are on this difficult journey. Others follow up to see how they are doing and when she gives them an honest account of their week it becomes obvious they are uncomfortable with her truth. Some hoped things would be better. Some hoped  she would say they are doing fine. But the truth of it is their "fine" is truly never going to be fine. Then there are those people who think if she and her husband just had enough faith, truly confessed their sin, or prayed harder that their daughter would improve, maybe even be healed.  Then their comes those words I hate the most, "God will only give you what you can handle.

Then there are those who have suffered losses--losses of things, homes, dreams and people. Some of the deaths experienced were expected, some weren't. Some losses were gradual as in the case of cancer where goodbyes were said, regrets expressed, and forgiveness granted. Others were unable to convey those things because dementia took away the ability to do so. Some deaths were so sudden that goodbyes, sorrow, love, grace, and regrets went unvoiced. And then after the loss came the stupid stuff that people say that stings--stupid stuff like, "You can always get pregnant again," "The good die young," and yep, you know it, "At least we know God will never give you more than you can handle!"

Then their are those who share stories of abuses of all kinds--physical, emotional, verbal, and sexual. Those are the stories that people don't want to hear, because they don't want to believe humans can really be so harsh, so hurtful, and so despicable, but we can! Those are the stories believers don't want to hear, because they are afraid to wrestle with the question of a good God and such evil co-existing. Those are the stories that believers don't want to hear, because they don't understand that trauma has changed the human brains that store such horrible stories. Those changes hinder the ability to trust, to connect at a heart level, and to move past the trauma pain. But what we don't realize is when we offer the usual platitudes or we stare blankly bathing another in a deafening silence we cause the person to push down the pain at the same time the shame they feel intensifies it. Oh the things we have heard in our groups concerning those things, "You just need to forgive and forget." "You need to keep quiet or you will destroy the family." "You need to keep quiet or you will hurt the church's reputation." "It is all in the past, you just need to move on." And then, yes, you have guessed it, "Thank goodness God didn't give you more than you can handle."

I am not going to address all the stupid stuff we people say, just the more than you can handle bit. In Galations 6 Paul tells us to bear one another's burdens and for each to bear his own burden. In the original language the burdens we are to bear are the ones too big for one person to handle alone. At the same time we aren't supposed to bear the burdens another is capable of bearing themselves. It takes wisdom and godly discernment to know the difference. Spouses of people with chronic illness get these verses. There at time have to take over for their spouse and they at times have to gently encourage them to do what they are able. We use the phrase that God won't give you more than you can handle to suppress our uncomfortable feelings of powerlessness. A better option would be honest conversations that would help us find out if there is anything we can do to help bear those big burdens. It might be a ministry of meals, a ministry of encouragement, a ministry of praying, a ministry of offering child care, a ministry of lawn mowing, a ministry of listening, or even a simple ministry of presence.   

But one of the most important ministries we can offer is found in the verse at the top of the blog..."Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep."  Sounds simple, but believe me it isn't. To do this, we have to stay present physically, emotionally, and spiritually. To do this, we have to let down our defenses that guard our heart from pain to enter into another's pain--pain that we may or may not fully understand, pain that we can't remove, or heal. As I have shared, I worked with a counselor on abuse. After I shared my story the first time, I sat silently looking at the floor because it was safer than facing those infamous counselor eyes. I waited for admonitions to forgive, to move on, and maybe a few other stupid things we Christians say. But there was silence. When the shame had calmed enough, I glanced up and saw that she was sitting there with tears streaming down her face. She was crying the tears I was shoving down deep inside. Seeing her compassion melted the hard shell I had built around my heart and made way for a long hard journey we took together. She cried with me when I lost friends, parents, and faced the fears of having kids in combat. We didn't just cry, we identified and expressed all sorts of emotions. At times we even laughed and we laughed hard. She rejoiced with me when I published each book and prayed over each one of them with me. All the admonitions and platitudes I heard over the years didn't heal the wounds in my heart or return my soul to joy. It was having that counselor in addition to some very extraordinary friends who understood the healing journey and who were willing to walk with me and hear all the words I needed to say, made it safe for me to feel, and were willing to weep with me when I wept and then rejoiced with me when my joy returned. That was what gave me the freedom to feel the pain that needed to be healed. That was what opened the door of my heart that allowed me to experience God at deeper levels. That was what made it possible to become real enough to fully experience His grace and to let go of the critical inner voice that so often bathed me in shame. Sometimes the hard we are tempted to try to fix with platitudes--those stupid sayings we have all said and all hate to hear--is the hard that is the medium that God uses to form the heart connections that are the conduit for healing. When we shame others with our words we shut down the very process they need to go through to heal the brain changes that were caused by trauma. Oh, how I pray with the psalmist, "set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!" (Psalm 141:3) I so want my words to not wound. I want them to impart hope and life as they invite others to face truth and to rest close to the Savior's heart.

Love Those Mighty Oaks!



I started attending church with friends in grade school. I wasn't familiar with church lingo and what I heard often raised questions, which I would boldly ask in Sunday School. I now realize that some of those questions probably made teachers uncomfortable. For example, one Christmas I asked what a virgin was. The teacher hesitated and then mumbled that it meant Mary was a good girl. In high school when I was reading the Christmas story in the Bible the truth of what a virgin really is hit me.  As I read, I struggled with doubt, because I knew virgins don't have babies. This created guilt because I had never doubted before. As I continued reading I was able to reason that God doesn't lie so the story had to be true. A host of other questions whirled through my head---questions like did she sense the conception or did she simply wake up one day with morning sickness. 

 

Needless to say, I began to read the Bible with new eyes and a questioning mind. This lead to new a understanding of what the Bible was about, but it also lead to many more questions. I discovered other confusing stories in the Old Testament. Stories of people who were liars, and murders. I also found stories of unfaithfulness in marriages and unfaithfulness in people's relationships with God. I secretly wondered how much wrong had to be done to be too disgraceful for God to redeem. And of courses there was the problem of my own failures and my own sins, both open and secret that left me wondering if I was truly saved. I felt guilty all of the time--guilty for what I thought about when I read and guilty for the sinfulness that dwelt within me. 

 

After I was married, we moved to Mississippi and sat under a pastor-teacher who taught the Bible verse by verse and who was energized by questions. For eight years I got to hear his teaching and ask all my questions and discuss the Scriptures with him and with other believers. It was there that I fully understood the significance of the virgin birth and believed the truth of the God-man, Christ. In that church I made peace with many of the stories in the Bible. I also changed my view about the Bible. I had mistakenly believed people in the Bible were good and earned their Salvation and God's love. But, I came to understand the concept of grace and the concept that the Bible as a redemption story. Even though the doctrine is complete and provides all that we need to know, redemption stories are still being penned in the lives of people to this day by God Himself.

I fell in love with the Savior who saved me by grace through faith. I became grateful for grace that
was big enough to save liars, murderers, prostitutes, and unfaithful people who just like me had visible sins and hidden sins of the heart. I fell in love with the Savior who is in the business of transforming broken and sinful people into the people He created them to be--people who reflect His loving image to a lost and dying world.

I wish I could say I've made peace with every story in the Word. But I can't. There's one story in particular that haunts me every time I read it. When I read it, a strange mix of compassion, rage, and frustration rise up within me--emotions so strong that I want to scream. The story I am talking about is the story of Ammon and Tamar. They are siblings who share a common father, King David. But they don't have the same mother. Their story is found in 2 Samuel 13:1-22. It begins with a description of Ammon's lust for his virgin sister, Tamar. She lived in her mother's home and as was the custom she was kept in seclusion as a King's daughter. So, he had no access to her. His lust was so strong for her that he literally became ill.

That makes me angry! It's not because he experiences lust, but because he doesn't deal with it. Men given to lustful patterns don't seem to grasp that lust isn't love and lust doesn't make a man a man. Confessing and dealing with lust as it surfaces and choosing to do what is right in the face of it is what makes a man great. Choosing to treat a woman with honor in the face of lust shows godly strength, not giving into lust and pining away longing for what's not rightfully theirs to have.

Ammon's cousin Jonadab comes to visit. He's a crafty guy who noticed Ammon's  melancholy state and asked about it. Ammon confessed his lust to him and Jonadab devised a plan that gave Ammon access to Tamar.

That raises my anger a couple of notches! The last thing Ammon needed to do was share his struggle with someone known to be conniving! And the last thing Ammon needed was for someone to encourage his lust! What happened to reminding a friend of laws forbidding such relationships? What happened to an offer of accountability? What happened to the reminder that wrongful actions as a king's son would have far reaching consequences? What happened to the reminder that, as a brother, his was to protect and care for his beautiful sister? Is that really the best you two can do? 

Ammon carries out the plan by feigning illness and asking King David, to send his sister Tamar with food. David complies.

Oh, Come on, David? I am sure you could have sent a servant instead! Why would you comply to such a request?

She arrived with food and Ammon orders everyone to leave. He called her to bring the food into his chambers so she could feed him.

When I read that part, everything in me is screaming, "Don't do it.!"

As she came close to him with the food he grabbed her arm and asked her to lie with him. She says, "No!" in every possible way. She directly stated her "NO! verbally. She resisted him physically. She reminded him that to take her by force would be rape and should not be done. She called it "a disgraceful thing that should not be done in the land," which served to remind him of the prior rape of Dinah and the consequences Israel faced. She even appealed to him to talk to the king about marrying her. Ignoring her pleas, he brutally raped her.

My anger has just about hit the top!

As so often happens in the aftermath of sin, Ammon's lust gave way to hatred fueled by shame and her pain. Ammon orders Tamar to leave. She pleas for him to make it right and marry her and he angrily has his servant cast her out.

She returned home to sit in his shame. She puts ashes on her head and tears the royal garment that had marked her as a virgin and stored it away. She sat in her grief. She grieved her disgrace. She grieved her pain. She grieved the loss of relationship that was now marred by rape. She grieved a wedding that would not ever take place. She grieved the loss of trust in men. She grieved the loss of a sense of self as her personal boundaries were denied and her choices were not honored. She grieved the hope of the longings of the loving married sex Solomon had written about and she grieved all else that was stripped away by brutal force.

Another brother, Absalom, came to visit her and asks about the events that took place at Ammon's. He was compassionate, offering her a home and protection. He tells her not to take it to heart, not realizing rape had already ripped gaping holes in her heart--holes not easily repaired. He doesn't speak to Ammon, but later takes revenge.

There are twelve words in the story that make me the angriest of all!

Those words are, "When King David heard all of these things, he became very angry."

The mighty warring king all of a sudden becomes a weak spineless man in the face of the disgrace that took place in his own home? 

There is nothing in the story that tells us that he confronted his son. There is nothing in the story that tells us that he carried out any type of justice on the behalf of Tamar. And even worse, there is nothing in the story that tells us that he went to his daughter and comforted her. I long to hear him confront Ammon.

I long to hear him take action on her behalf. I long to hear him comfort her and tell her she is still his beautiful beloved daughter. I long to hear him apologize that he had unknowingly taken part in such an evil plan. I long to hear him tell that Ammon's shame is not hers to bear and to give her an opportunity with his help to hand it back to him. I long to see him tell her that he will carry out justice on her behalf. I long for more. I long for more, not just for her, but for every other woman victimized by abuse. But there was nothing more said of the action of David's first born son!

I am also very frustrated!

We are told that she lived her life in Absalom's home in a desolate state. The word desolate indicates she lived in a bleak emptiness, wretched and unhappy. It should not have ended there. The verses in Isaiah 61:1-3 convey to us what God desires for his people. They state, "The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor, He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion--to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD that he may be glorified!" 

These are the verses God gave me as He gave me the vision of a ministry for women who struggle with past sexual abuse. They come into our groups because they're stuck in the pain of their past and it is governing their lives in some way. Some come in to work on stuff for the first time and others because the work they did wasn't enough. Some come in because they have been labeled and lead to believe they'll never ever get better because their core beliefs are so entrenched their emotions, thoughts  and actions have begun to affect their personality. They were essentially told the most they could ever be is a shadow of who God created them to be...kind of like being a bent tree in a forest full of tall strait trees.

The women who walk into our groups are poor in the sense they are needy. They need to be heard. They need to have their stories validated. They need to be shown the way out of the abyss they are living in. They need to be deeply, profoundly loved in their pain and dysfunction. They are broken hearted by what was done to them and what was said to them or not said to them in the aftermath. They are captive to their past and captive to the lies of the enemy seeking to keep them from fully loving and trusting Jesus--the very One who can heal hearts, give hope, and make sense of painful stories. They need to know they have found favor with God and that the vengeance is perfectly meted out by His hands. They need to fully face their pain and go through a season of grief with others who understand and who can help them wash away the ashes of grief and the ashes of their dysfunctional lives. They need to sit with others who can teach them to focus on what is praise worthy so that their spirits would be strengthened and their hearts healed. They need to believe that the Lord is placing a beautiful headdress--a crown befitting His princesses and clothing them in His goodness. They need to know that God has not called them to live as weak bent over trees, but as oaks...mighty oaks, planted with His love and His power. They need healing so He can be glorified by their redemption stories. Most of the women come stuck because of strongholds that have taken root. But the truth is there is not a root that God's truth cannot destroy. The women don't have to live as shadows of what God created them to be. They can live full, productive, joyful lives. I don't care how strong the strongholds are, our God is stronger yet.

As I write this, I write with a heavy heart. While most people look forward to Super Bowl weekend, I find myself grieving. It is one of the heaviest weekends in the year for sex trafficking. More and more is coming out about sex trafficking. What was once called lightly, "the oldest profession" is being exposed as a sick, disgusting, degrading business in which young girls and women find themselves entrapped, kidnapped, drugged, and controlled so that others profit off of their bodies. I am asking you to join with me in asking God to provide all that is needed for victims to escape their perpetrators, for all the loved that is needed for survivors healing, and for all the patience that is needed for their growth in Him. Pray that He would display His power by releasing captives and  by growing them into might oaks that are a display His splendor for the world to see.