I recently read the testimony of a man who was talking about his struggle with addiction. He said he began his recovery the day he chose to show up differently in the world. The words, “I chose to show up differently” deeply resonated with me when I first heard them. That was because God had used several events to awaken deeply buried pain caused by unresolved traumas I had experienced earlier in life.
For years I had
masked pain from the traumas in different ways. I masked it with an eating
disorder that led me to sway between severe anorexia to compulsive eating. I
masked the shame I experienced over the traumas with a hyper-critical spirit
that served o focus others’ eyes away from the messiness of my life and soul
that could have potentially bubbled over at any given moment. Third. I masked
the fear of being hurt again with self-protective behaviors like defensiveness,
obsessing over real or imagined offenses, shutting down, or completely withdrawing.
During an anorexic
phase of my disorder, I went to get a haircut and when the stylist finished
washing my hair, my neck muscles were so weak I couldn’t lift my head without
using my hands. The weakness jolted me into seeing my health was in jeapordy.
As I struggled, I also realized I was tired of living a life centered around
diets, exercise, and self-contempt. Friends and my church community didn’t know
how to help, so I made the brave decision in the face of the fear I was
experiencing to seek Christian counseling when it wasn’t a widely accepted
thing to do. Essentially, I was choosing to start showing up differently in my
world.
I entered
counseling, thinking there would be a quick fix. Maybe it would be the sharing of
the trauma that would set me free from the pain it caused. Maybe it would be
the confession of the severe self-contempt with which I was struggling that
would set me free. Maybe it would the acknowledgement of just how out of
control my disorder was as I was seeking control over my life, my emotions, and
my body. Maybe it would be the tears I eventually shed as I grieved the losses caused
by the trauma and the poor decisions that I had made in response to it.
Looking
back, I now realize I was looking for a magical decision like the decision to
show up differently to be the “cure all.” The “cure all” would be whatever
would helped me become like a person who had never been traumatized and who had
never developed an eating disorder. Over the course of my healing journey, I
grew to accept and then grew to embrace the truth that my recovery wasn’t about
a one-time decision to just show up differently in my world. I would have to
make the same decisions over and over on a daily, hourly, and sometimes moment
by moment basis. I will share a few of the decisions I have made.
I chose to
show up differently when I chose to talk honestly with my therapist about the different
traumas I had experienced as a child, as a teen, and as an adult, facing and
accepting the real story I had been living.
I chose to
show up differently every week when I was willing to grieve the life that I had
been wishing I had had instead of the one from which I was recovering.
I chose to
show up differently when I decided to face the truth of how serious the
disorder was and agreed to work with a doctor and a dietician to get my health
back.
I chose to
show up differently when I agreed to experience and sit in the pain that I had
buried instead of numbing it with eating disordered behaviors.
I chose to
show up differently every week when I participated in groups with others who
had experienced similar traumas and eating disorders instead of isolating.
I chose to
show up differently when I revealed to my therapist the depth of the self-contempt
I was experiencing and began to choose daily to believe I truly am who God says
I am.
I chose to
show up differently when I began to use my voice in relationships by asking directly
for what I needed, desired, or preferred and allowing others the freedom to
honor the requests or not.
I chose to show
up differently when I quit trying to control everything and everyone around me through
co-dependent tendencies that I used to calm anxiety.
I chose to
show up differently when I began to explore and embrace emotions God created me
to feel and to manage them by identifying and changing cognitive distortions.
I chose to
show up differently when I had a dream in which every woman that I passed had
no mouth and dead eyes and woke up begging God to give women their voices and wrote
books to help others.
I chose to
show up differently when I began to ask the Lord in faith, to show me where He
was in all that I had experienced and began to see how truly beautiful and good
God was and is in the midst of the ugly horrific things experienced.
I chose to
show up differently when I began to rest in God’s love instead of trying to earn
the love that He had already sacrificially given to me.
I chose to
show up differently when I realized I had been trying to elicit love from other
broken people who didn’t know how to love well and began to focus more on how I
can love well by letting Jesus’s love flow through me.
I chose to
show up differently when I acknowledged the hard all around us every day and
chose to believe our God is bigger than the biggest mountain put in front of
me, His love stronger than the vilest hate swirling around us, and His spilt blood
is deeper than the sin I commit.
To be
honest, this list is not exhaustive and is comprised of things that I have to
choose repeatedly day after day, moment after moment so that I can show up
differently, hoping to reflect the heart and the character of my God rather
than a wounded broken human. I remember getting angry when I realized there was
no quick or permanent fix. That anger makes me smile now because I know it is in
my weaknesses and in the having to choose again and again to show up
differently that I have come to experience God’s love and strength the most.
