Shame on You

As a young woman,  I heard so many negative things said about emotions I began to think they were God's little "whoops" as far as to how He created us. I even heard people say painful emotions like anxiety, anger, sadness, and fear were either sin or the result of sin in our lives. This caused me to feel guilty every time I experienced one of them. I believed most people preferred others be thinkers rather than feelers, especially when I heard things like "Don't feel that way," "Just be happy," or "It is sinful for you to be afraid." I was okay with that view until I went into a recovery group for an eating disorder and learned we are prone to "stinking thinking," which ironically impacts our emotions. I soon realized I was ashamed of my emotions and so afraid of feeling them that I subconsciously refused to feel them. I had developed the disorder to numb fear, anxiety, anger, and powerlessness. I spent a two years researching and writing a book about emotions so I could bemore comfortable with them and so I could understand how to use and  manage them in a way that honored God.

I came to believe emotions were given to us as messengers, telling us something about our hearts, our lives, and our relationships. Sometimes the messages are affirming and sometimes they are corrective. For example, grief tells us we care deeply about something or someone. Fear tells us we don't perceive ourselves to be safe. Hurt feelings tell us we need to either address hurtful behaviors in a relationship or adjust our expectations. Guilt tells us we have sinned and need to confess to God and make amends.

Emotions that are shared by two or more people about a common event can create emotional bonds between those involved. It has been said that if we want our families to become close, we should take them camping and pray that everything goes wrong. That camping trip and the common emotions surrounding it will forever bond our families together. It is important to understand that our emotions, like everything else in the world, became skewed during the Fall, and as a result, they are greatly misunderstood, misused, and mismanaged.

One of the most interesting emotions I studied was shame. Shame was originally designed to show us we are less than God and need Him. This carries over into our human relationships as well. Children experience shame when they see parents or older siblings able to do things better than them. For example, when I am at the store I see parents in a hurry who have children in tow. The healthy parents notice their child is having a hard time keeping up and alleviate their frustration and developmental shame by saying, "I am sorry I am rushing you. Lets slow down so you can keep up. Someday your legs will be long enough to walk as fast as me." This developmental shame reminds a child they need their parents. Unhealthy parents will turn normal developmental shame into toxic shame by saying something like, "What is wrong with you? Why can't you keep up?"

When Adam and Eve sinned, shame no longer served to remind us God is God and we are not because Satan whispered his lies into our ears. It became a ferocious, overwhelming, debilitating emotion that is driven by the fear of being exposed and the belief that because of our sin and shortcomings we are not worth redeeming. Healthy shame is associated with conviction, which leads to confession and correction. On the other hand, toxic shame is associated with condemnation, which leaves us feeling disgusted with ourselves. It tells us we are the mistakes we have made, the sins we have sinned, and the failures we have failed. It is the reason so many of us wear "look-good" masks and put on facades to deceive others into believing we are better than we are.

Healthy shame is good. It shows us we need relationships and helps us avoid the worship of self. It also reminds us we have the potential to fail and do harm to ourselves and others. As we acknowledge healthy shame and accept our humanness and need of grace, shame dissolves into God-honoring humility, which enables us to come out of hiding to develop true intimacy with ourselves, others, and God. This happens as we allow ourselves to be fully known and accept the grace we so badly need. It also allows us to recognize and accept the commonality, differences, and limitations we experience as humans.

As believers, we experience godly shame when we sin and do harm. In healthy people, the more harm we've done, the more sharply shame will be experienced. We may find ourselves thinking, "I can't believe that I did that." This discomfort reminds us even in our restored state we're not God. It reminds us that mistakes and sin are a part of our human experience. It reminds us to separate our flawed behavior from who we are in Christ. It reminds us that we are in need of the Savior's continual grace. It also serves as a deterrent to repeating the same sins over and over, (Chip Dodd, Voices of the Heart)

A healthy understanding of shame allows us to live with two opposing truths at the same time. The first truth is that we are created in the image of God and in that truth we find dignity. The second truth is that we experience shame because we are depraved and that shame is relieved when we turn to Jesus for our redemption and worth. Shame turns toxic when we permit Satan to attack our dignity by buying into the lie that we are hopelessly flawed, having no hope of redemption. (Dan Allender) We wills stay in toxic shame until we believe we still have the propensity to bear his image. Because shame is painful, many continue to deny its presence, numb it, or keep wearing look-good masks. This is because we believe the lies that we are too defective and too bad to receive God's grace.

It is normal to feel embarrassment regret, sorrow or guilt when we have done something wrong. But it crosses into toxic shame when the shame is way over the top for the offense committed. It is toxic when we can't shake the feeling that we have done something unforgivably wrong, but can't figure out what it is. It is toxic when we are feeling repulsed by ourselves and are sick and tired of being us. It is toxic when we feel deep shame for small infractions, mistakes, lapses of judgment, blunders, oversights, slips of the tongue, lack of knowledge or capability, for things for which we are not responsible, or for the weaknesses we have.

Some who have experienced trauma and abuse have, at the very core of their being, deep toxic shame. Everything they experience in the present, every thought they think, and every emotion they experience is experienced through that shame. Because shame can be attached to our trauma and because it is in itself a shameful topic, we often don't acknowledge it or do the work necessary to be set free from it. We can be sitting in church, smiling, serving, and praising God and still believe in our heart of hearts that we are second class citizens who don't matter to God.

Shame, in its toxic state, keeps us from the relationships for which we were created. It causes us to hide from God. We may go to church, but we struggle secretly with sin too powerful to overcome alone. We hide the sin and pretend its not there. We keep our distance from others so they can't see it. To overcome this sin, we must realize there is healing in the confession of our sin to one another and to God. To face this shame, we need to realize it will intensify at first and then will dissipate as we experience Grace.

In addition, toxic shame causes us to hide the questions we have concerning His sovereignty over hard things like abuse, natural disasters, violent crimes, and unmet dreams. It also causes us to hide the emotions we feel rather than listening to them and resolving them with the Lord's help. Finally, toxic shame keeps us from praying, especially when we don't feel like we have the right to ask Him for something.

Toxic shame can cause a strain in the relationship we have with ourselves. Abuse caused me to hate myself so much that I continuously thought self-depreciating thoughts. I could be listening to a sermon, reading with my children, talking to a student in our youth group, singing a praise song, or on a date with my husband and simultaneously be thinking about how much I hated myself. And the more I hated myself, the more I doubted God's love and the love of others. I even skipped a wedding shower of one of my favorite gals, believing I would keep her from having fun if I went. She later asked me later why I had not attended and I told her why. She explained she had wanted me there because she knew I was the one person who would make it fun for her. I realized then that I didn't see myself as others did and it was time to change.

Toxic shame can also harm our relationships in several ways. First, when we experience toxic shame, we have a tendency to hide from people by withdrawing, by pretending to be something we aren't, or by withholding our hearts from those to which we are closest. Not letting others know the real us leaves us feeling unloved. Another way we respond to the toxic shame is by developing a poor self image. When we do this we are super hard on ourselves so no one will criticize us. This hurts relationships because others fear they will crush us if they are truthful with us and that prevents intimacy from growing. Third, we can become pharisaical and hypercritical of others. This happens when we are full of shame and believe if we point out the faults of others, eyes will be averted away from us and our faults. This creates a unsafe, ungracious atmosphere in relationships, which again keeps intimacy from forming.

It is important to know the only way out of shame is to acknowledge it. This is hard because it is an emotion that intensifies as we acknowledge it. We deal with it by identifying whether or not it is beneficial shame or toxic shame. If it is beneficial and caused by sin, the way out of it is to confess it to Jesus and to trusted friends who will commit to praying with us. The fear of being found unworthy goes away in the experience of grace.

If it is toxic shame, it is important to try to identify it source. It could be shaming words spoken over us. It could be legalistic believers hounding us with "should of''s." It could be the messages of abusers who put their shame on us. It could even be that we, ourselves, are doing things that are perpetuating the shame we've experienced. Perhaps we're failing to take our stinky thoughts captive to God's truth. Maybe we're letting others continue to abuse us. Maybe we're avoiding confronting someone who could treat us with the dignity an image bearer deserves. Maybe we need to forgive ourselves for sin already confessed or trust that the relationships that expose our shame have the potential to heal it.

If we are stuck in shame, we need to figure out if we are holding on to it for a reason. It could be that holding on to it allows us to avoid taking risks in our relationships so we don't have to face the fear of rejections. It could be that holding on to shame gives us an excuse to not try something new so we don't have to face our fear of failure. It could be that we are using shame to avoid asking for what we need in our relationships, because vulnerability scares us. It could be that it allows us to be lazy in our relationships rather, avoiding the hard work of growing them. It could be that shame is simply more familiar than humility and easier to bear than the pain of acknowledging our inadequacies. To overcome toxic shame we have to be willing to face it, feel it, and find the roots of it.

In closing, one of the most significant ways to abolish toxic shame is to grab ahold of the truth that God loves us with an eternal, sacrificial, indescribable, and irrevocable love that doesn't depend on our performance. His love flows out of the very essence of His being and is freely and lavishly given to His children. The truth is that, as believers, we are given purpose, significance, power, strength, mercy , and grace. God has removed our sin and the shame of being depraved through the cross. May we never forget that Jesus died to silence those pain-inflicting words, "Shame on you!"

Coming Out of Hiding

Hebrews 11:6

"And without faith it is impossible to please him,

for whoever would draw near to God must believe that He is

and that He rewards those who seek Him." 

A counselor friend recently suggested I watch a You Tube video called "Two Faced Two Roads Message. I loved John Lynch's message. It caused me to think back on my spiritual journey. Sometime early in childhood I became interested in God and asked questions about him--Who is He? Where does He live? Is He is a girl or boy? Okay questions for a curious three year old. Around that same time I was fast becoming a perfectionist because I believed I had to be very good and please others to be loved. When I got old enough to go to church on my own I carried that thinking over into my personal theology. I thought early on I had to be good and as Lynch said, I had to do more good than bad to be accepted into God's family. If you asked me if I believed that I would have said no, but my life and words indicated I did. At some point I attended an evangelistic church and said I wanted to be saved and I asked Jesus into my heart as they suggested. 

I don't remember what I learned about God in Sunday School and Church as a child. I may have had great pastors and teachers and taken what they said and skewed it with my childish black-white thinking. Or I may have had some teaching that helped mold my skewed thinking. Regardless of which was true, I continued to develop a people-pleasing, God-pleasing mentality that plagued me for years. As a teen I tried so hard to be good. I did well in school, participated in every curricular activity there was, worked part time, and didn't hang out with the party crowd. I avoided drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, and premarital sex. I even took it on myself to confront family members on things like racism and cursing. I spent a lot of time and energy trying to please God and my family. 

When I look back at those high school years, I notice interesting things. First, I had a very skewed view of God and His love. He says in His Word that He created us and He loves us. At the time I had this view that He loved me because he had to love me, but that did not equate into Him delighting in me as a daughter and wanting to spend time with me. I viewed Him as a distant God  waiting to zap me when I failed and as One who was bothered by me coming to Him in prayer. I went to churches that believed once saved always saved, but every time I so much as thought of a cuss word, fought with my siblings, disrespected my parents, or hurt someone with my words or my actions, I would confess it and ask Jesus into my life again and again, hoping this would be the time it would make me pleasing to God. I spent a lot of my time and energy trying please Him, because I believed it was in the pleasing I would find love and acceptance.  

Second I lived in a constant state of fear. One day I was going out the door to run an errand for my mom. The wind was blowing hard and it caught the door and slammed it on my hand. I screamed and let out a curse word in front of my mom who was standing directly in front of me. I not only expected her to slap me, I expected God to  destroy me. I looked so terrified, my mom started laughing, not understanding the fear coursing through my body, as I waited for God to slam me to the ground. That is probably the first case of spiritual PTSD recorded! 

Third, because I viewed God as distant and judgmental, I hid behind a good-girl mask, trying  to cover what was inside--so dirty, so deeply flawed, so incredibly needy, and sinful to the core. I even tried to take control of what felt out of control by over controlling food and weight until I nearly destroyed my body. I woke up early seven days a week and stayed up late exercising, studying, and going over things in my mind. No wonder I was bone tired and fell into bed, at times crying for hours until sleep would overtake me.  

A few years later my husband and I attended a church in Mississippi we consider our home church. I sat down with the pastor when he began teaching out of the book of Revelation, because I wanted to find out how to be ready for Christ's return. He had me read a book about end times, Come Lord  Jesus, that spoke of Jesus and His grace that offered such hope. We met again and the pastor talked to me about salvation through faith and the grace that was offered. At some point I made peace with salvation and understood it and haven't doubted it since. I wish that I could say that that ended the struggle with my perfectionism, but it didn't. I still hid some things from church people--things like the eating disorder that so often raised its ugly head, selfishness that showed itself when I want my way, jealousy that rose up when I see another woman who seems to trust God so easily, a judgmental spirit that judges another because the log in my own eye is so hard to take out, ugly thoughts that float through my head of their own accord, my history of sexual abuse and depression that carries such stigma in the church, an accident in high school that forever changed me, my imperfect marriage, and five precious kids that were full of energy, pranks, and bouts of rebellion which I now look back on fondly, and all sorts of feelings I was told good Christians don't feel. All that hiding and what I longed for most was to be known and to be loved for me, what ever that might be. I tried so hard to please, I had become a mixture of the people I respected and didn't even know who I was.  

After listening to Lynch's message, I think what bothered me the most is that living like that was saying something about God and that something was not true!. The way I was living said God was a hard task master whose standard was impossible to keep, making it impossible to please Him. It also said that God didn't want to spend time with me until I was perfect, and anybody who knows me well knows I am not that. A distant God indicates He doesn't want to be bothered by His children. That view is so the opposite of the Biblical view of God and the view of God that I now embrace.  

God began to chisel away at my tendency to hide. First, when my oldest child climbed out of bed after a nap and came pattering down the hall and peaked around the corner, I felt this overwhelming love flood my soul. I held my arms out and he ran into them, both of us laughing with delight. God impressed upon my heart that is the way He reacts when we approach him. That felt so good and it fed my desire to meet with Him early in the morning before the kids woke up. 

Second, God put a young youth pastor and his wife in my life who believed in transparency. I don't remember how many times I heard him tell the group, "You are just giving me a church answer! Let's get real!" One night he had asked us to stand if we wanted to make a specific commitment. I told him later I was afraid to stand because I knew I would fail. He smiled and said, "Welcome to the human race!" Not long after that, I met with his wife and another sweet lady for a prayer session. For the first time, I experienced deep prayer and transparency. I was real with them and them with me. I walked away seeing them even more beautiful than before. The person they "liked" was the real me.

Sadly, I bumped into others who said or did things that brought my old way of thinking back and I would put the mask of perfection back on. It was safer and even expected. Eventually I entered a long term counseling relationship with a Christian therapist. The first couple of years as I began to talk at a deeper level and found safety I found the courage to take the mask off more and more often. There I not only dealt with the hidden pain of my past, but I also began to look at the deeper parts of my heart--the parts I was afraid to face because they belied the good girl image. After a really rough conflict with another person, I remember processing with the counselor and she asked me what I felt. I whispered my answer, hoping not to be heard. "I think I hate her." She didn't turn away, scold me, or throw Bible verses at me. She looked at me with compassion and gently smiled. I think I followed it by saying I wondered what God must think of me now. She pointed out the truth. The truth was that He knew all along, and now that it was in the light where it could be changed. I could grow closer to Him because I was honest. I was able to taste grace because I admitted what I thought I could never say. I realized that telling God the truth in itself is an act of faith. Telling Him about my ugly thoughts, frustrations, and doubts shows I believe His blood is enough to cover my sin. Telling Him that I struggle to forgive when someone keeps wounding me shows I have believe He will help me get there. Telling Him my desire to be a grace giver is tainted by fear shows I am trusting Him to be my safety and courage. Telling Him my heart feels dry and craves intimacy shows I believe He will fill me to the brim. Telling Him about my failures to love shows I believe He will change me, bit by bit until what I know to be true is reflected in my life. 

I wish that every church was as safe as that counselor's office. I wish that men, women, and youth could share their struggles honestly and find love and acceptance I found while sharing my sinful parts. I wish they could share their deepest struggle with pornography, with lying, with drugs and alcohol, with fear, with depression, with broken relationships, with failures to love, with unresolved conflicts, and with doubts and be met with eyes that show acceptance and compassion rather than eyes turning away, rejecting the part of them of which they are most ashamed or eyes that roll in judgment and tongues that spout verses wielded to wound, not to heal.   

The closer I've become to God, the less I worry about what other's think and that is freeing. Some people like me, some hate me, and some don't think enough about me to decide one way or another. And I know some people who just don't know what to do with me, especially when I get real. That's okay, because this prodigal is home in grace and grace is where I plan to stay and grace is only experienced in the real!  

Had I known all that I know now when my kids were small. I would have parented differently. I would make sure they know I love them unconditionally and there is nothing that they can do to make me love them less-- not bad grades, not lies, not tears, not words spoken in anger, not disrespectful body language, not arguments with siblings, not outward acts of rebellion, not sneaking around--none of which can melt this mama's love. I would make sure they didn't have to do anything to please me, just learn to trust me and my love. If they learned that , then everything else would have fallen into place. I would have also told them God has captured my heart with His grace and that it's theirs for the taking by faith. I would have made sure they understood they didn't have to spend a life time trying to do things and hiding who they are living in a messy fallen world attempting to please God. All that needed to be done was done by Christ on the Cross, just believe!

"For without faith it is impossible to please God!" It didn't say without perfection. It didn't say without good works. It didn't say without going to church twenty times a week. It didn't say without doing penance. It didn't say without participating in visitation every week. It didn't say without being involved in every ministry advertised at church. Please, don't get me wrong, I love ministry and everyone is gifted for it. But doing ministry to please God or people results in us doing things for which we aren't gifted or called to do. Serving from a transparent heart filled with the love and the acceptance that God gives is refreshing and fulfilling, not draining. Can I encourage you to do some self examination to determine if you are living to please God or if you are trusting Him and basking in His grace? The cross not only makes the way of salvation, it allows us to remove masks to come out of hiding, allowing beautiful messy selves to be known. For under all the messiness is the image bearer He created us to be. Removing masks allows us to be children after His own heart--children known by the grace they give.