A Bigger View of God and His Grace

I was born with a tender conscience that kicked in quickly when I blew it. Having a tender conscience was good as the discomfort of guilt I experienced often motivated me to make God-honoring decisions in my life. It also stirred in me the desire to quickly confess sin. and to apologize to others I wronged. 

However, there was also a downside to having a tender conscience. It made me prey to a few manipulators, who realized they could just poke at my conscious and get what they wanted, even when it was detrimental for me and allowed them to continue down selfish, sinful paths. It also allowed abusers to silence me, when they implicated I was responsible for their actions. It took a few years of counseling to figure out what guilt was healthy and mine to confess and what guilt I needed to let others assume and deal with themselves. 

I experienced a lot of freedom from healthy guilt when I was saved. But before I knew it, guilt began to return. Sometimes it was normal, convicting guilt that led me to confess sin. Other times it was toxic guilt that spiraled me into a pit of dark shame. Looking back, I realize the tender conscience I was born with, didn't just make me easy prey to manipulative people and abusers, it had made me easy prey for the Enemy, who used lies to turn healthy, God-given guilt into toxic shame—a type of shame that was destructive and designed to keep me stuck and afraid to turn to God when I needed Him most. 

At first, I didn't even realize the Enemy was attacking me. Then God planted us, as a young couple, in a Bible-teaching church, where I grew leaps and bounds in my faith. We had many conversations there about God and Bible doctrines that included things like the holiness of God and the sinfulness of man. The more I knew about God and His holiness, the more I wanted to become like Him. Yet, the growing understanding of God's Holiness was also changing my concept of sin. I no longer viewed it as just something I did. I also saw it as things like ungodly attitudes, selfishness, sinful thoughts, and inactions. For awhile, I kept it all in balance, confessing sin and growing in my relationship with God. 

Then I found a book that a spiritual inventory in it. I don't remember what book it was or even the questions on the inventory. But it was a long one and it included a list if sins a mile long, inappropriate attitudes, a list of generational sins one might have, and a whole bunch of other stuff. I mentioned the inventory to our pastor, who suggested I bring it by his office so he could see it. So, I took it to him and as he read it, I could feel my face growing hot, imagining him seeing into the ugly garbage of my soul that I believed was listed on that list. When he finished reading it, he set it down on his desk shaking his head from side to side and quietly said, "I hate this kind of stuff" He indicated that he understood how a list like that mixed with a tender conscience could leave me reeling in shame. He also explained that he believed our God was big enough to convict us and bring to mind sin He wants confessed. He also indicated He believed our God was not a God who buried His children in shame. 

Looking back on that time, I realize a lot of us go through this as we grow in our knowledge and understanding of God's holiness and our sinfulness. When we accept Christ, we understand God's grace in the moment and are thankful Jesus' blood covers the sin of which we were aware. But, as we grow in our understanding of God's holiness, the depth of our sinfulness becomes more apparent and it's easy to buy into the lies of the Enemy as he tries to convince us God's grace isn't big enough to meet us where we are really at, that Christ's death wasn't really sufficient to cover the depths of the sin we continue to uncover, or that God's love isn't deep enough to encompass the real messy us. Oh, we would say we believe God's grace is big enough, Christ death sufficient, and God's love all-encompassing, but if we are living shamed-filled lives, isn't there a disconnect between what we say we believe and what we are living? The truth is that Jesus' death was and is and will always be sufficient enough to cover sin--what we knew in the past, what we perceive in the present, and what we will uncover in the future. 

It is not God's desire for His people to live stuck in toxic, suffocating shame. But, it is His desire that we continue to grow in the understanding of His holiness. And, as our understanding of that increases our awareness of our sinfulness, He desires our view of grace and what Christ did on the cross to expand as well. When that happens, we become believers who live loved and who are filled with humility and gratefulness instead of shame. We want to remember there is not a sin so bad Christ's blood cannot cover it. Because He loves us, God convicts us. Because he hates us, the Enemy condemns us. All we have to do to silence the Enemy is adopt a bigger view of our God and His grace.  

This is Me!

The song, This is Me, has had a big impact on our ministry leaders. We serve women who have been wounded by emotional, verbal, physical, spiritual, and sexual abuse. Most of the ladies that come to our groups can identify with the messages in the song. They come in to our groups as broken, bruised women, deeply ashamed of the physical and emotional scars they bear. Many believed the only way they could survive was to either run away or to hide their broken parts because they feared no one could really love them as they are. Some of them have heard or even hear now words that are so sharp they cut into the very core of who they were created to be, blanketing them in layers of shame.

No matter what stories they have lived, most of them come into the group apologizing. They  apologize for being inadequate and not giving the "right" answer to questions asked. They apologize for being crazy when the strong emotions they have been stuffing start to surface. They apologize for not being smart enough or pretty enough. They apologize for the personality the Creator gave them because they believe they are too much, too little, or not good enough. Some apologize for the space they take up in group, the amount of words they share, or for not being able to find the perfect words that describe how they feel. Some even apologize for the tears that spill over and stream down their cheeks, believing they don't have a right to grieve the loss of innocence, friendship, and the healthy family of which they each dreamed.

If ladies stick with the group, share their stories, and do their work, we have the honor of witnessing God do mighty works in their hearts, their minds, emotions, and lives. We get to see them find their voices and tell their stories, often for the first time. We get to observe them mustering up the courage to face their broken, bruised parts as they begin to allow God into those areas so He can begin to heal their pain. We get to see them observe how they have responded to their past traumas and watch them begin to replace maladaptive, sometimes sinful ways they had of reacting an protecting their hearts with healthy, more godly ways.

Sadly, some of them still have people in their lives who continue to do harm or who demand they continue to hide their broken parts to make their family or church "look better." Some of them have people who even want them to hide their personalities behind a mask as if God made a mistake when He created them. What people have done and said and what they sometimes still do or say is absolutely wrong. Some of the abusive people change when the ladies confront and put godly boundaries in place, but many more don't. Some of the gals forgive and choose to live mostly separate lives. Others set some strong boundaries and continue to try to engage with those who have the potential to continue to hurt them. Those who continue to engage have to grow enough that they can purpose in their hearts to not let hateful words and actions feed and regrow the shame they have come out of. The have to purpose in their hearts to believe what God says about them and refuse to let others' words or actions define them or shame them. As the song says the words may be bullets striking their skin, but they have a choice on whether or not they will let the shame attached to those bullets sink in.

Many of the ladies have heard harsh words over and over until those words became "truth" to them. Many were broken and bruised by the dark actions of others and those actions themselves carried ugly messages with them, that the ladies began to believe and rehearse. Some of them suffered severe neglect and that neglect had messages that were loud and clear. All the messages they received became "truth" to them and then they too began to reinforce those hurtful things. Because of this, it is hard for them to give up the lies and the shame as the lies feel more real than the truth we see and the truth of God's word.

The ladies become warriors who have to take every single thought captive and replace it with God's truth. As God begins to heal their hearts, they find themselves in spiritual battles on a daily basis because the enemy doesn't want them to find freedom from the shame they've carried for so long. Some of the prettiest women believe they are ugly. Some of the most intelligent women believe they are dumb and inadequate. Some of the most gifted gals believe their lives are not significant and they don't have anything to offer. Some of the most likeable women believe they are unlovable. Even those who have trusted Christ to be their Savior wonder if He is powerful enough to cleanse them from the stain of their abuse.

As the ladies grow, they begin to recognize and replace the shaming messages running through their heads and begin to believe the truth. And just as they begin to experience joy they face something hard and the old messages start replaying like broken records. In group when we listen carefully and watch their body language and facial expressions, we can often see the moment they hear a lie in their head. Some times it is just a flicker, sometimes they speak it out, refute it and move on. However, sometimes we see them play with the lie and begin to hold on to it as if it is more true than Gods' truth and we remind them they have the power to drown out those ugly messages with the God's truth.

Some may hold on to the old messages because they feel familiar like an old pair of comfortable house shoes. As they are gaining freedom, the freedom can feel too risky and too scary. About a year and a half ago one of our sons got a dog from a shelter. Her mother was pregnant with a litter when they were confiscated in a drug bust. They had to keep the mother dog and her puppies until the courts settled everything. So when he picked up Sweet Dee, she had lived in the kennel for fourteen months. The drive home scared her. The house scared her and she sat at his feet instead of exploring it. The big back yard turned her into a trembling hot mess. It took awhile for her to believe that she was loved and safe enough to explore her new world and her new life. It is no different for the women who grew up in unsafe homes and come into our groups. Sometimes they return to the shame because it feels safer than confronting or setting boundaries.

Helping women learn what their true identity is has become my favorite parts of the healing process we take the ladies through. That is because I remember well the words that fed my own toxic shame. Those words were invisible, ugly, fat, stupid, inadequate, dirty, unheard, week, and unlovable. Oh and that toxic shame. It felt like a hot iron searing my heart and my soul. But, praise God, I am not marching to the sound of those ugly words any more. I am now marching to the truth that because of Jesus and what he did for me I can declare that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. That I am chosen and clean. That I am redeemed, reconciled, and restored. That I am gifted and my life has significance. That I am strong and brave. And I no longer apologize for being me. As the song says, "I am  not afraid to be seen. This is who I am meant to be, this is me!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjxugyZCfuw

The Transformation of Shame to Glory

"But you, O LORD, are a shield about me,

my glory, and the lifter of my head."

Psalm 3:3

 

I recently had the privilege of hearing my favorite author, Diane Langberg, speak on the topic of shame. It reminded me of the journey I've been on the last few years. I will be sharing some of her thoughts in this post. Her talk was titled "Shame and Trauma" and was given at the AACC Be Strong World Conference 2015 and can be purchased from their website.

Shame is a very uncomfortable emotion and is experienced in relationships. It begins in childhood when we realize we're "less than" others. Little boys feel it when they realize they aren't as strong as Dad. Little girls experience it when they realize they can't read as well as Mom. It's also apparent  when we observe a parent in a store, dragging a little one behind. We can read shame in the child's face as she believes she's defective because she can't keep up. 

After The Fall, Adam and Eve's emotional response to sin was shame. To hide their shame they covered the parts of themselves that were different. But, the coverings couldn't cover the shame running deep within. So, when they heard the Lord coming, they tried hiding, but the hiding couldn't conceal the wrong done or the shame felt. So, they blamed--Eve blamed the serpent, Adam blamed Eve, and Adam cast a bit of blame in God's direction, as well. But, the covering, the hiding, and the blaming couldn't alleviate their shame. So, shame was passed down to their children, who passed it down to their children, who passed it down to their children, all the way down to you and to me.

I admit that shame is something I've been intimately acquainted with. My first memory of it was developmental shame. On a family trip, Mom started singing beautifully. I was around age four and started singing with her and did okay as I sang melody with her. Then she asked me to sing the melody so she could harmonize. But when she sang harmony I couldn't hear the melody in my head and couldn't harmonize with her. Though she tried to ease my discomfort, I heard her words through a veil of shame and sat there with face beet-red, believing I wasn't as good as her.

Another source of shame was inflicted upon me when I was abused. I was too young to understand what had happened the first time, but old enough to understand something shameful had occurred.  The shame grew with a few more abusive encounters and grew again when I was old enough to realize what had happened. I carried the shame of being chose by those abusers--shame that was really theirs to bear.

Shame also surfaced when I disobeyed my parents and was punished because I interpreted punishment and love as mutually exclusive and believed, when punished, I was too bad to be loved.

Shame also surfaced with the realization that I had the power to inflict pain with words, with silences, with actions, and with inaction.

Then shame sank all the way to the core when we were in an accident in which there was a fatality. I believed I should have been able to stop the accident. We weren't to talk about it, so I stuffed the shame and developed an eating disorder. I focused on calorie-counting, obsessive exercise, and  numbers on the scale to avoid feeling shame caused by the accident and by a maturing body that was drawing unwanted attention.

The eating disorder brought its own shame, but the shame of not being a size 1 and less than 95 pounds, as bad as it felt, was better than experiencing the shame of sin, of abuse, of the accident, of being inadequate, and of feeling defective. As shame grew, I avoided its pain with anger that anger ran hot. It was turned inward so both my real and my imagined failures were met with self-contempt.

Shame runs all the way to the core, because we are bent to do wrong. It runs to the core because we hide our trues selves behind masks that we're too terrified to remove and we know the selves we present are false. Shame runs to the core because we've been deeply wounded by others, leaving us believing we aren't worth loving, we aren't good enough to be accepted, or we aren't valuable enough to be cared for. It runs to the core because of broken relationships we can't mend, move past, or in which we haven't be able to give or receive forgiveness. It runs deep because at the end of the day we know just how poorly we fulfill the command to love as Jesus loves.

I've known many others like me, who numbed shame with self-hatred, believing and living as invisible individuals, not worth the space they take up, the food they eat, or the compliments they receive. I've also known others who numbed shame by having contempt for others. These are dear souls whose judgments are harsh, whose words cut deep, or who cast doubt on the character of others with words softly, but slyly spoken.

I wouldn't be surprised if under the hateful actions of bullies, rapists, mass shooters, runs a core of shame so deep it's strangling the good in them. They avoid  shame by verbal assaulting, physically assaulting, raping, or murdering any who might see their shame. Shame drives the hatred that is spewed at individuals and people groups like families, genders, races, religions, or whole cultures.

We can experience communal shame that is felt when someone in our community sins. For example, when church leaders fall, we all feel the shame. When a family member fails, the whole family feels the impact. This thing called shame can be governed by culture whose morals codes are different. In our culture, we experience shame more as individuals. But in other cultures shame is felt when family honor is broken by things like poor grades, not giving birth to a man child, or by being raped. Diane shared stories of women who were killed by family members because they were victims of rape, which brought disgrace to their families and the only way out of the shame was killing the victim.

Shame is a thief. It robs us of dignity, of relationships, of being fully known, and of being accepted. When God asked Adam and Eve where they were after they sinned, it was because He wanted to see them and set them free from the shame they were experiencing. But in shame they feared exposure. Like them, we hide our shamed selves. We hide from the exposure of guilt,  dishonor, humiliation, and inadequacy. We hide behind arrogance, education, economic status, power, self-contempt, others-contempt, alcohol, drugs, eating disorders, rage, good behavior, bad behavior, and ultimately suicide. Hiding can never resolve shame, it only deepen it because  isolation  allows shame-filled thoughts to fill our minds--thoughts like "I am too big," "I am too ugly," "I am too stupid," "I and too defective," as well as thoughts like "I am a loser," "I don't have a spiritual gift," or "I don't fit in anywhere." As Diane pointed out, it causes us to measure our uniqueness from how defective we believe we are rather than from the gifts, abilities, and intelligence we have.  Shame runs deeper than emotions because, in shame, we lose sight of who we were created to be as image bearers of the great I AM. She pointed out that shame has been handed down generation after generation and so people curse, use drugs, sell themselves, inflict pain, and we murder. And all of this is because shame was the loss of glory we all experienced in The Fall.

Diane also pointed out that our responses to shame are the same responses we have towards trauma. First, we respond by fighting. We do this by attacking our selves through starvation or other self-destructive behaviors. We do this by attacking others, especially those that might expose us or our weaknesses. Second we respond by fleeing. We do this by isolating or being over zealous in religious activity and a frenzy of work. Third, we respond by freezing. We do this by dissociating so no one will see us and so no one can make us own our shame. We also do this by remaining silent or passive. Regardless of our response the goal is always to make sure the real us won't be seen.

Yet there is so much more to the story!

We were created in God's image to bear His glory, not to live as disgraced, blemished, reprehensible, and inadequate beings. We're to remember God Himself covered Adam and Eve with animal skins, pointing to the Savior who shed His blood for sin and shame. It's God who is our glory and the one who takes our head and lifts it up so we can view His beautiful face.

He is a Savior deeply acquainted with shame. He was a born to  an unwed mother and came from shameful region called Nazareth. He rubbed shoulders with the poor, the tax collectors, the women, the prostitutes, the lepers, the maimed, the blind, the deaf, the demon possessed, and even the half-bred Samaritans, all of whom were considered people of shame. He was accused of being Beelzebub, crazy, and a liar. He was rejected and sold for the price of a slave. Arrested by religious leaders, He was crowd-mocked, face-slapped, spittle-drenched, beard-plucked, clothing-stripped, and cross-hung. In death He bore the full weight of our sin and our shame. Yet, He did not hang His face, He despised shame and looked it squarely in the face until His redemptive work was done.

We were called in Hebrews to fix our eyes upon Him. As we behold Him, we are fully seen by Him and our shame is transformed into glory as our position as Image bearers is restored. When we grasp that, we are free of shame. We are free to love and free to go to the shamed and identify with them as Jesus did us. We are free to lift their faces so they, too, can behold His face and have their shame transformed to glory.

The questions we must face is, "Where is our gaze? Is it on ourselves as we bury our shame or is it on Him who can set us free?"

No Longer Walking Dead

I have a friend who is an avid reader who often mentions books that she has read and by which she has been impacted. She recently told me about a book called, Grace for the Good Girl, by Emily P. Freeman. I started reading it on vacation and realized that the book has brought me back to my roots. By roots I don't mean my family of origin, I mean church roots--the church I first felt like I  became a part of a spiritual family. This church also happened to be the first church I attended that used expository teaching. The pastor taught through whole books of the Bible. Yet, when he would get to a passage on a topic like marriage he was so thorough in handling the topic I learned more about the topic than most people do whose pastors teach only topical sermons. It was a great place for a young believer who had a lot of questions about the Bible to be. As I have been reading through Freeman's book on grace, it surprisingly echoes the teachings that came out of the pulpit in my church thirty years ago. It also echoed some of the things the pastor said to us conversationally. 

I must say that I was in my baby making years during the time we were at that church. I had a handful of babies and toddlers and was learning so much at the time that I didn't have a chance to reflect on all that I was learning and how it was supposed to impact my life and my thinking. I guess it would be accurate to say that at the time we left there I had a headful of great Bible knowledge and was trying really hard to be good, to earn love from God and man, and to live a life that pleased God.

During our stay there, we had a guy break into our home during one of my pregnancies and I didn't sleep the last half of the pregnancy. This set me up for a good case of post partum depression. My answer to the ambivalence and sadness that filled my soul was to work harder at church and home, to compulsively serve, to read more of my Bible, and to listen to as many tapes of great Bible teachers as I could get my hands son. The extra activity helped for awhile, getting me through some tough days and sleepless nights. However, now that I look back on it, I realize I was wearing a "good girl" mask that was hiding the real me--the scared wounded child living inside who felt invisible, the young wife plagued with a mountain-sized insecurity, the young mom who was struggling with a deep sea of inadequacy, the woman with a core of shame that came from a past of abuse, and an eating disorder that had at its core control that was so out of control that it scares me to even think about it now.

Long after I left that church I still carried my work-hard mentality with me. If I had a conflict with someone at church, I worked extra hard to overcome it and win the person over. When some one seemed displeased with a job I did, I took the person's opinion as gospel and worked even harder to rectify it even when I didn't know what it was I was to rectify. When guilt followed my sinful actions, I confessed it over and over and over and then white knuckled it so that I didn't mess up again, which only seemed to lead to more failure. When the monster called shame grew so big it took a hold of my heart in a vice grip, I worked harder to live down the shame of being too much and not enough at the same time. On days I didn't feel pretty enough or thought I ate a bite too much, I wrote out another diet plan and set a longer course to run the next morn. On the days I felt overlooked and ignored, I tried harder, cleaned more, smiled bigger, all in attempt to get someone to notice I existed.  To be honest, completely honest, I was totally physically and spiritually exhausted. I was too tired to feel and became emotionally numb.  It was like being a walking dead person.

All the while the sermons and advice of our former pastor rolled around in my head never landing in my heart. Especially the verses from Colossians 2:6-7,  "Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, rooted and built up in Him and established in the faith just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving."

 

After I entered the world of counseling, one of the counselors gave me a book and asked me to look it over and to let her know what I thought. The next week I let her know I liked the book and I apologized for not finishing the book. She laughed and smiled and informed me we were going to work through the book at a much slower rate and process it over a period of time. Around that time I also went to a women's retreat where we were asked to spend some time reflecting on a short passage of Scripture. We were to read it, observe it, chew on it, ask God questions about it, and then ponder what difference those truths made in our lives. For over an hour I sat in silence with the verses as instructed. All of a sudden I felt the Martha in me take a nap and the Mary in me come fully alive. I came away from that quiet hour with the sense that God enjoyed spending time with His people, that He enjoyed spending time with me. I quit trying to read the Bible rapid speed and began to think more about what I read. I wrestled with the truths in prayer through out the day.  I began writing more and all of a sudden new-to-me truths just seemed to pop out of  the familiar Words like never before. Those words that were so familiar to me that I had been glossing over them, contained truth that I was again finding exciting and impactful.

During the time I spent in counseling I was also taught the art of becoming more self aware, which I found to be the way out of the self-centeredness that I hated so much. And as I read the Word I began to not only asked the "who, what, where, how, and why" questions of the Word,  I also began to ask them of myself in regard to what I read. I began to notice my thoughts and my emotional reactions to what I read. If I wanted to race by a passage, I became curious about why I was avoiding it. If my heart quickened, I would pause and take note of why I felt excited about it. If I felt shame I took time to discern why and if I was looking at it as a Pharisee or a graced believer. If I felt convicted by something I read, I examined my life and my heart and put into place a plan to overcome revealed sin. I found that when I felt convicted, I felt a sense of being deeply loved and I knew that conviction  was from God, not the condemnation of the enemy. When I felt pervading toxic shame, old tapes were playing in my head that were based on human words, lies, or distorted teachings of the Word. If I had a negative thought ("That might be true for others, but not for me") or a disbelieving thought ("Like that will ever happen!")  run through my head, I paid attention to it to try to understand why I didn't believe what I read that day. It gave me the chance to identify areas of unbelief and the unresolved pain underneath. I guess in essence, I no longer wanted a shallow belief, I wanted the Word to permeate into the deepest parts of my heart where real transformation takes place. 

I also began to notice what I felt when I read. That felt risky because many of the messages I had gotten in church about feelings were that they could not be trusted and should be ignored. Yet, when I listened to the messages of the feelings as I read the Word, I gained so much more. For example, when I read about the woman at the well, I noticed I felt judgmental because I figured she was either a runner or just didn't try hard enough. I confessed it and then I sat in the story for awhile. As I sat in the story, I researched the culture that she lived in and I grew sad. She had gone through five very public divorces, experiencing powerlessness of being in a culture that did not value its women. She got water at a time of day that indicated an avoidance of others so she was alone and lonely. At first glance I was confused by the Lord's questions, and the enemy whispered in my ear, "See how He toys with her?" But as I meditated on the passage it became obvious that Jesus cared less about her divorces than He did her unhealed heartache and her unsatisfied thirst for love. That was something I could relate to. As I read through story after story slowly I began to see just how gently and lovingly God dealt with sinners like me and how He dealt with people in pain. Sometimes stories would trigger some hurt in me that was similar to theirs and I would allow it to surface and found the Lord faithful to heal it. As I read about attitudes of those who followed, I found if I took the time to process it was often like looking in a mirror. In my self awareness I could identify with their impulsive actions, their insecurities, their sinfulness, and their clamoring for love, acceptance, and power.  I began to recognize the "good-girl" mask as being a fleshly bondage that needed to go. It kept me from seeing the truth about myself and sometimes the truth about others and about God. It kept me from acknowledging internal sins and the idols of my heart. It kept me from accepting my humanness, kept me from fully adoring my God, and kept me from resting fully in His grace.

So, for the many years I have been away from my "home church" I have slowly and surly been learning to apply what I was originally taught. Ironically, I am finding that so many of the answers to life's problems and painful emotions were taught faithfully to me long ago. But until I was invited to remove the good girl mask in the counseling office, I said I believed one way, but lived another out of fear and misunderstanding.

I really wish I could have one more conversation with the pastor who told me, "Just as you received Jesus, you live in HIM--by faith." I would love for him to see the joy and the freedom I have found in giving up working for God's love and acceptance--two things that I already possessed. I would love for him to see the woman who has become more comfortable outside of the mask, living more honestly and truthfully. I would love for him to see me resting in grace, not groveling in shame. I wish he could see me living free. He would be thrilled to know I finally get that the Christian life isn't working towards perfection, it is trusting God to be who He says He is, and that I am who He says I am in relationship to Him. It isn't about a pulling myself up by the boot straps and trying harder and harder and harder, it is about resting in Him, receiving His grace, and allowing His presence and His goodness to fill this God-thirsty heart with His love and His acceptance. It's about resting in His presence and letting Him transform my selfish heart into a loving heart that beats in tune with His--there I feel fully alive, I more easily trust Him, and my desires, decisions, reactions, and actions all fall into place. Those things flowing out of my relationship with Him promote life, give me health, foster love, and fill me with an abundance of joy--joy that flows naturally into an attitude of thanksgiving that attracts others to Him. I would love to tell him how good it feels to be walking by faith and no longer walking dead. I bet He's probably telling Jesus, "It's about time she got it! We told her that for years!"