What I Wish I Knew When I First Got Married

For months I have been wanting to write a post on marriage. I attempted it and just could not write it. Then I saw a real posted by TBN on Facebook that opened my eyes and my heart to what God might have me say. So, I changed my topic to what I wish I knew when I first got married.  

The reel I saw was of a panel of women where Kristi Mcclelland was sharing that the first two words used to describe a woman is found in Genisis 2:18, a verse that I was very familiar with. It says, "I will make a helper suitable for him." What I didn't know what that the words in Hebrew for "helper suitable" is "ezer kenegdo" In our culture a helper is often seen as a person of less importance, lower status, less educated, and who has less ability than the one who is being aided. In other words, a subservient person. But "ezer" in Hebrew means helper, aide, strength. Kristi shared that ezer is a strong word, carrying the connotation of strengthening someone in ways that they cannot strengthen themselves. She also shared that the word "ezer" has also been used by God to describe himself in His relationship to Israel. I love that because we would never describe God as subservient to Israel. God did help, aid, and strengthen Israel in ways that Israel could not do for herself. 

Had my husband and I known that the first word God used to describe a woman was a word that God used to describe Himself, I believe we would have approached marriage in a different way. I believe my husband would have come into our marriage understanding that God never meant for him even as a leader to feel the full weight of making our marriage work. If he had understood that God was providing a person to help, aide, or strengthen him in ways he could not do himself, he might not have struggled with feelings shame when life, marriage, family life, or job left him feeling powerless. Maybe he would have been more open to letting me in on the hard he was faced with. 

Had I understood this concept myself, I would have protected my heart to focus on this role. I believe I would have used my voice more confidently to encourage my husband, instead of second guessing my right to speak. Had I fully understood God's calling, I might have trusted the wisdom He was giving me and looked for gentle loving ways to impart that to man. When I look back at some of the times my husband was facing hard stuff, I realize I missed opportunities to provide what he could not provide for himself, especially when my husband was being reviled for good and moral decisions he made. 

Josh Howerton, Senior Pastor, of Lakepointe Church, shared a story from his marriage that reflects what I am trying to convey. Josh, as s conservative pastor, has a strong social media presence. and he shared he had really big feelings the first time he got "cancelled" because he had spoken ttruth and he wondered if he would be able to support his family and continue his ministry. When he came into his house that evening, he was greeted by his children at the door who loved on him. Then as he entered the kitchen, he could see candles lit and the table beautifully set. He could smell his favorite meal cooking and asked his wife what was going on. She quoted Matthew 5:11, "Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is in heaven, for so the persecuted the prophets who were before you."  She then grinned at him and said, "Tonight we are celebrating!" Josh's wife provided encouragement, comfort, and aide to her husband in the same way God did Israel. 

I also believe that had I understood early in our marriage this crucial role to which I was called, I would have been more focused on fulfilling that role than judging how my husband was leading our family. I have a learned over the years that when I feel afraid, unsafe, or uncertain, my natural tendency is to become hypercritical of people or situations and believe that included my husband. Understanding God's design of the "ezer kenegdo" role, would have helped me overcome feelings of powerlessness from which that' critical spirit protected me and allow me the freedom to proactively look for ways to aid, support, and build up my husband in ways he could not do for himself. That would have allowed him to better lead and navigate the hard situations he faced.

Had I understood the "ezer kenegdo" role early in our marriage, I might have embraced more fully the reality of the messiness of marriage relationships. In every place we have lived we have been blessed with people who rooted for our marriage in the same way we rooted for theirs. Yet, I wonder if the fear of the messiness sometimes steered us at times to care more about the appearances of good marriages, than honestly doing the rewarding work it takes to build marriages God desires for us. Oh, that we would all become people who recognize we can through an "ezer knegdo" role encourage, aid, and support others in ways they can't do for themselves. And in that we can help one another build marriages that don't just last; they satisfy souls and reflect to the world the Father's heart towards us.

The "what I wish I knew when I first got married" leaves me curious about why I didn't discover the meaning of "helper suitable" earlier in life. But long ago I learned to trust God's wisdom and love and wonder if maybe He revealed these things to this gray-haired soul specifically at this time when so many people have such distorted views of our God and of the beauty of Christian marriages. I can't help but love how God's goodness always shines through His truth.   

  

When a Nation Grieves

Many years ago, my family attended a church for a year. There though we learned a lot about living out our faith. They taught us that our mission would be defined by several different things like our spiritual gifts, specific passions God places in our hearts, and by the natural talents God instilled in us as He created us. This week, as I watched in shock the assassination of Charlie Kirk, my heart felt a crushing blow for his young wife, his small children, and his parents. As my social media feed was flooded by clips of Charlie's videos and testimonies of people whom he had impacted, I realized he was a perfect example of what that church had taught us. 

Charlie and his wife Erika had a deep relationship with Christ. Their number one goal was to make heaven crowded by sharing their faith. Another goal they had was to challenge the direction of our country by going onto college campuses and engaging students in public civil discourse. He invited students to the mike, usually starting with those that disagreed vehemently with him and his beliefs. He was respectfully relentless with the truth on all sorts of topics. He encouraged students to learn critical thinking skills, to research the words they were spouting, but could not define. He was so gentle with the seekers, using compassion to avoid shaming them. Most importantly, He shared the gospel and the values of His God, telling students that godly marriage and raising children is good and honorable. In his last week he spoke of the senseless death of Irena Zarutska and in his last speech he, spoke of His God. 

In the aftermath, we have come to understand that Charlie and Erika had received many death threats, and they did not let that deter them from what they knew to be a calling of God on their lives. I believe Charlie's presence and willingness to face those that considered him an enemy resulted in many campuses having revivals in the last few years. And they faced any fear they may have experienced with such joy and light. We have been given a glimpse of his impact on the lives of many young people who are being emboldened to engage in political discussions and who are choosing to live out loud a faith that is settled on a Savior who redeemed them from their sin. In addition, we were given a glimpse of a young grieving wife and mother leaning into her God and her faith to stand firm in their calling.  

I have realized that the bullet, which was used to silence Charlie, was meant for us all and that feels a little scary. As a wife, mom and a grandmother, I don't just fear for myself, I fear for the people in my family that I love so deeply. So how can I reconcile the callings God has placed on our lives? That question has brought two passages to mind that encourage me. The first passage is Daniel 3, and the second passage is Hebrews 11.

In Daniel 3, King Nebuchadnezzar had a huge gold statue placed in Babylon and gave out this order, "You are commanded, O peoples, nations, and languages, that when you hear the sound of the horn, pipe, lyre, trigon, harp, bagpipe, and every kind of music, you are to fall down and worship the golden image that King Nebuchadnezzar had set up. And whoever does not fall down, and worship shall immediately be cast into a burning fiery furnace." 

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego replied to the king saying, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we have no need to answer you in the matter. If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up."  This is the kind of faith and mindset that we want to develop to live fully for Jesus in these days filled with hatred and violence. 

In this narrative, the king had had the furnace heated so high that the five men throwing the three friends in were instantly killed. But when the king looked into the furnace there was a fourth "man" in the furnace standing with them. The king then went to the door of the furnace and called them out and out the three came, not a hair singed, not a burn mark on their clothing, and no smell of smoke wafting from their bodies. And the king praised their God.  

The other passage is Hebrews 11, which is a chapter about men and women who had an abiding faith. I want to skip to the Hebrews 33-38, "who through faith conquered kingdoms, enforced justice, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, were made strong out of weakness, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight. Women received back their dead by resurrection. Some were tortured, refusing to accept release, so that they might rise again to a better life. Others suffered mocking and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. They were stoned, they were sawn in two, they were killed with the sword. they were about in skins of sheep and goats, destitute, afflicted, mistreated--of whom the world was not worthy--wandering about in deserts and mountains and in dens and caves of the earth." 

It is so helpful to see that it wasn't just people who accomplished miraculous things for Jesus that were listed, but it was also those who suffered, were imprisoned, impoverished, and who were brutally martyred as well. It was hard not seeing our prayers for Charlie's life to be spared be answered. Yet we can rest assured that Charlie's faith mattered to our God and that in Charlie's death many people's faith will be matured. These verses tell us that no matter how God chooses to answer, what mattered to God was Charlie's faith. 

While we all fully understand that Jesus alone is the Savior, could it be that God is using Charlie's fearless preaching in the face of death threats coupled with Charlie's brutal death to stir the hearts of people to trust Jesus as their Savior and to cause us, who are believers, to live our faith more out loud just as Charlie and the men and women in Hebrews did? Let's unite with Erika in trying to make heaven crowded.