Love Part 5--His Love was Screaming in the Silence

If there was ever a man who deserved to live life filled with joy, it would have been Jesus. Though clothed in the clothes of the common, He deserved royal robes, a golden crown, and a scepter. His character was marked by a righteousness no other man had ever achieved. His was a ministry characterized by miracles, grace, freedom, and healing. He exhibited authority over nature, man, and demons. More importantly He possessed a pure, unadulterated love for His Father and an unconditional, sacrificial love for man that was the motivation for every act He performed and every word He spoke. 

To begin to understand the depths of Christ's love, we are looking past the life He lived to the death He died. In was in His death that He chose to set aside His right to live to experience our deepest fear--of death. He chose to set aside His glory to bear our heaviest burden--the burden of sin and shame. He chose to set aside His perfect relationship with His Father to feel our deepest pain--our separation from the Creator.  

During His life Christ expressed His love through through many active ways. But at the end He chose to express it in a different way. As He was arrested, tried, beaten, and crucified, He maintained a purposeful silence that spoke His love even more loudly than the all the words He spoke and all the actions He carried out. 

The same mouth that spoke the universe into place was silent when He was taken away. The same mouth that calmed angry seas remained silent as people twisted His words during His illegal trials. The same voice that called a man from the grave refused to answer lying accusations hurled. The same voice that caused soldiers to fall back remained silent as He was beaten. The same strong voice that confronted the Pharisees was silent in the face of the mocking. He who had every right to defend Himself and He who had the power to walk away remained silent--and His love it was screaming in that silence because in the silence He was actively laying down His life. 

He remained silent when soldiers took their whips with sharp stones and bits of bones and beat Him, ripping apart His flesh. He was silent when soldiers put a scarlet robe on His raw flesh and jammed a crown of thorns upon His brow. He was silent when the soldier's mockery was no longer enough to satisfy the angry crowd. They were so enraged by the perfect life He lived, the sinners He forgave, the broken people He healed, and the people bound by sin He had set free that they joined the cruel soldiers by slapping His face, pulling hairs from His beard, hurling curses in His ears, spitting saliva in His face, and bidding for the clothes He would no longer need.  

He maintained His silence as the robe was ripped from His wounded back. He maintained it with each clang of the hammer as the searing pain of nails broke through flesh and bones. He remained silent as they picked up the cross and dropping it into the ground with a thud. He was silent as He gazed into a sea of faces filled with hate. He was silent through the searing pain of the nails and the pain of raw back rubbing against rough wood as moved to take each breath. He was silent--hanging suspended between heaven and earth and His silence...His silenced it screamed of His love as it was being poured out. 

He looked around at the people below and finally broke the silence with words we all need to hear. He didn't scream of the injustice or demand to be set free; He asked His Father to forgive--forgive those who rejected Him, forgive those who denied Him, forgive those who deserted Him, forgive those who falsely accused Him, forgive those who mocked Him, forgive those who beat Him, forgive those who hammered nails, forgive those whose sin evoked the Father's wrath. 

As the afternoon wore on darkness blanketed the earth and our sins--past, present, and future--ware laid on Him and Christ faced a realm of pain never ever experienced before or since. He felt the collective pain we feel when we are bound by sin--lonely, hopeless, and forsaken. For the first time He was separated from His Father because of our sin and in the anguish of being alone He broke the silence. It was a heart-rending cry from the depths of a deeply hurting soul, "My God, My God why have You forsaken me?"  With a heart broken by separation, He released His spirit, dying the death--the death we deserved. 

The silence surrounding His death speaks loudly of love. He loved deeply enough to die for disciples who deserted Him, for Peter who vehemently denied Him, for those who didn't recognize Him, for those who hated Him, for those who arrested Him, for those who beat Him, for those who mocked Him, and for those who hammered the nails. He loved deeply enough to maintain His silence and to stay on the cross as our sin, yours and mine, made Him feel alone and forsaken. 

His outrageous love endured the cruelty of the cross for the joy of presenting us, made holy and pure by His blood, as beloved children. We, the children who sin, who struggle with unbelief, who fail to love well, who at times deny Him, are the children purchased, purified, covered, and protected by the blood He shed. And His love? It was screaming in the silence. 

Love Part 4--The Unending Cycle of Love

One of the most interesting passages I've found on love is Ephesians 3:16-19, "That according to the riches of His glory He may grant you to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith-that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." 

When I think of someone praying for strength, I tend to think of it as strength she needs to accomplish a difficult task, strength to withstand trials running runs long and hard, or strength to withstand temptation in which the flesh craves something that never satisfies. It is good to pray for strength in those times, but this passage indicates that Paul prayed for people to have the strength--strength to comprehend the love of God! While we comprehend and know God's love to a point, if we are honest we admit there is a part of us that knows to the core that a love like His love is incomprehensible!

When I realized I struggled with a stronghold of not believing I was loved, I spent some time exploring God's encounters with people--people just like you and me--who had infirmities, who were held captive by sin, who were struggling with unbelief, who were plagued by demons, who were lonely and looking to fill that loneliness in wrong places, who were longing to find significance through positions and power, many of who were mistreating others in the process that is until they encountered Jesus.

Those encounters were like no other encounters because the love encountered was pure, unselfish, unadulterated, and life-changing. His love touched lepers, restoring life to dying limbs. His love touched a woman caught in adultery, granting her life instead of stoning and silencing self-appointed judges. His love healed a bleeding woman who reached for the hem of His garment, restoring strength and giving physical, spiritual, and social life. His love granted sight to the blind, giving them the ability to see both the physical and the spiritual. His love granted acceptance to the woman encountered at the well who was rejected by five husbands as well as her community. His love touched the deaf and gave the mute a voice.

The depth, the breadth, and the height of His love becomes more vivid as we examine His prayer time in the Garden. As He entered it He felt sorrow so deep He was close to death. He wrestled long and hard with His Father's will, so full of angst His blood-tinged sweat dripped. As He prayed, His spirit was strengthened and love motivated Him to obey, to choose the cross, to bear our sin in His body, to experience God's wrath so we would not.

We are called to love as God loves, but it is impossible to do without experiencing it. We may have experienced at salvation, but we need experience daily . We do this by choosing every day to trust His love by taking God at His Word. We even do this when the circumstances we face are hard, when relationships are breaking down, and when the enemy is telling us we are unloved, unseen, and forgotten. By faith we believe and we His love to be as real and tangible for us today as it was when He walked the earth and He demonstrated it on the cross. We can find love in the difficult, broken, confusing, and loneliest places because His love never fails. When we memorize and mediate on verses that speak of God's love, His love will permeate our souls, becoming a strong, core belief that enables us to cling to Him no matter how hard life gets.

We can also read and reread about God's encounters with people. God revealed specific things about Himself when He related to the people in the Bible. When He encountered a barren couple surrounded by a culture that worshiped fertility Gods, Love called them out and provided them a man child in their old age, proving He was the Creator--the giver of life, the giver of joy, and the author of godly sex.

When He encountered young Joseph, He gave him dreams that stirred conflict between him and his brothers. They rejected him and betrayed him and sold him into slavery. But the boy clung to God who gave hope when he landed in a pagan nation. Then God provided food for him and his family in a famine by empowering the boy to love and forgive, and in doing so He preserved the Messiah's bloodline.

When He encountered the lady at the well, He ministered to her shattered heart, revealing to her and to us that He accepts, loves, and heals hearts that were used, abused, rejected, and treated like yesterday's garbage.

When He met the adulterous woman brought to Him in the temple, He exposed us to His grace, revealing that His acceptance sees past our sin to what we can become in Him.

When He reached out and touched the dying, rotting flesh of lepers, He showed He not only gives life to decaying flesh, but that His healing touch cleanses even when we feel the most untouchable.

As we examine God's encounters with people and look at those touched by His miracles, teachings, and prayers, we can't come away unchanged. Not only do each of the stories show restoration of human hearts, they show the restoration of relationships to a Holy God.

The more we meditate, the more we uncover of His grace. Through meditation we realize the first thing the Leper felt was the touch of God, the first thing the blind saw was His face, the first experience of unconditional acceptance at the well was being seen and heard by God Himself, the first exposure to grace the adulteress had was seen in the eyes of the only One who had a right to condemn.

Not only is God's love being showered on us, it is His desire to love others through us. He doesn't want us to continue to love in the mediocre selfish ways we are so prone to. He wants us to love sacrificially and unconditionally as He does. To do so we must choose to trust His love in the hard and choose to bask in it in the good. Because Christ loved even in exhaustion, grief, denial, desertion, and rejection, we can, too, with His help. His love strengthens us when we choose to love in the hard. We experience it as we love in the hurt. We experience it when we love the hard to love. We experience it as we love in rejection.

We will be more motivated to love when we remember His greatest act of love was expressed through the pain of the cross. As we we are rooted and grounded in His love, we are strengthened to begin to comprehend it, which strengthens us to love as He loves which strengthens us to comprehend it which strengthens us to love. No, I didn't accidentally repeat myself. For as long as we are fully present and plugged into our relationship with God we are in an unending cycle of comprehending His love and loving as He loves. I pray that God will strengthen you to comprehend the heights, the depths, and the breadth of His love.     

God Loves us through His Revelation -- How God Demonstrates Love Part 3

If I were asked to define eternal, at one time I would have said, "life that lasts forever" or "life that begins when I get to heaven." But my answer changed when I came across John 17:3, "And this is eternal life, that they know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent." The more I think on this verse, the more I realize that it is a very rich verse.

As children grow up there is a progression in the way they relate to others. When a mom first invites a child to play with her child, she soon realizes play is not automatic At age one a child is generally content to be in the same room with a friend, but each child is playing by themselves with their own toys. The interaction is very limited to and is usually a glance at the friend every now and possibly a push to get the other's toys. Over a period of time they will learn to play with toys together and will carry out quite creative, interactive stories with each other.  

When a child is first asked to describe a friend the description will be about external features like the color of hair or size. The description may also contain over behaviors like being loud, chatty, or mean. As children grow developmentally they see past the physical and communicate thoughts, ideas, viewpoints, hurts, and joys. At this point their descriptions of friends will include internal characteristics and one can get a clear idea of the character and personality of their child's friends. 

I think we do the same thing with God. When we first come to Him, we mostly know about Him. When I began to understand that eternal life is about knowing God I began to search my heart to see if I viewed God as an acquaintance or a more intimate relationship. I know the Bible reveals the character, thoughts, heart, and actions of God. So I knew if there was  lack of intimacy between me and Him it was on my part. I began to ask myself, "Do I really know God or do I only know about Him?" It is difficult question to answer and those who are task oriented may not give it much thought. However, those of us who are more relational by design contemplate the question long and hard and are often prone to shame in the process. To avoid that shame I've had to frequently tell myself all relationships, including the relationship I have with God takes work. 

I know I am a person who needs to guard against falling into the trap of thinking of God as an ideal, a law, or a being that is high and aloof. He is a living person with whom I can have an intimate relationship in the here and the now. It is God's very nature to communicate and it's His desire for me to know Him intimately Christ used terms like servants, brothers, friends, and children to describe His relationship with us and these terms denote intimacy to me. A. W. Tozer points out in his book,  The Pursuit of God, "God is a loving Person who is always present, speaking, pleading, loving, working, and manifesting Himself when we have the receptivity necessary to receive the manifestation." 

God wants us to experience Him! I found the following verses that really indicate that! Notice the senses He calls us to use:

Psalm 34:8 -- Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!

Palm 48:8 --  Your robes are all fragrant with myrrh and aloes and cassia. From ivory palaces stringed instruments make you glad

John 10:27 -- My sheep here my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.

Matthew 5:8 -- Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

If I'm not experiencing God continually, I need to examine my heart and discern why. It could be that I lack knowledge and can rectify that through His Word. It could be because something in my past causes me to doubt that God wants to relate to me in the same ways He relates to others, especially those named in the Bible. But a careful read of His word dispels that lie and shows me me that the people in His Word were as human as me. They were just as fail, just as sinful, and even just as victimized as me. There is not a one of us to whom God doesn't want to reveal Himself. I may at times struggle with the lie that God's daily presence in my life is for others, but the lie is from the enemy. I can choose to confess the unbelief and choose to sit before Him, soaking up His truth, exclaiming I believe and asking Him to help my unbelief.

So, how do I make our relationship with God come alive? First, I have to check my thinking. Do I think of God and the spiritual world as a reality or a fable? I must be ever be mindful that God is a person who thinks, wills, feels, loves, desires, and suffers as we do. I need to remember that to know God is to come face to face with a real person, not an idea, or a theology, or a system. Because He is holy and I am not--I can trust that a face to face meeting with Him will forever change me in some way. God desires me to experience Him and He is not now, nor ever will He play hide and seek. Hebrews 11:6 says, "And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek Him." He also says that it only takes a mustard-seed-sized faith! 

I can also come to know God through His Words. John 5:39 says, "You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life; and it is they that bear witness about me." If I want to know God, I can spend time in His word, not just reading it, but meditating on it and looking at it as a personal love letter from a very personal God. Psalm 46:10 says, "Be still, and know that I am God." Our culture calls us to busyness and I for one am prone to rushed quiet times in which i quickly read a passage and then deliver a quick dissertation of my wants or demands. But my strength, my safety, my security, my joy, and my transformation will never  come in the busy, noisy, messy places of my life, they will come in quietness at the Savior's feet as gaze at Him. 

We will never really desire to spend time in God's Word until we come to recognize and believe that our God is not silent and that His Words are relevant to us today. The Scriptures will help us come alive as we that God uses His Word to articulate His love in very real and personal ways. As we begin to comprehend God's love, we will begin to respond to His love with the desire to love Him in return. 

Tozer also pointed out that the people of the Bible who knew God were never completely satisfied with the depth of their relationship with God. They always longed for more. Moses, who saw God's glory in ways others hadn't expressed this desire in Exodus 33:13, "Now therefore, I pray thee, if I found grace in thy sight, shew me now thy way, that I may know thee, that I may find grace in the sight." 

I do not want to settle for knowing about God. Nor do I want to let the complex society I live in or church system I participate in replace the joy of knowing God. Life and all that it holds will always have a way of drawing me away from the true treasure--but those earthly treasures can never satisfy the deep longing for God written on my heart when I was knit in my mother's womb, proof in itself that He desires a relationships with me. Knowing God requires an experience of the mind as I interact through His word, the will as I stand against temptation and choose Him, and my emotions as I sit at His feet to experience His joy and His peace. 

Limping to His Table

A few years ago I shared that one of the Old Testament stories I'e fallen in love with is the story of Mephibosheth.  His name is a mouthful, but. his story is an amazing story. It is a beautiful picture of our reconciliation to God. Mephibosheth was the young son of Jonathon and the grandson of Saul. It would have been customary for Jonathon to become king when Saul died, but because of Saul's sin, God appointed David to become the next king. Though David faithfully served the king, Saul was filled with a hot jealousy of David and his God-given abilities. He was also jealous of David's victory over Goliath and resulting popularity with the crowd and his anointing as the future king. In a fit of jealous rage, he tried to kill David and David realized through no fault of his own that the king viewed him as an enemy. This grieved the hearts of Jonathon and David who had a close friendship. Jonathon helped David escape and David vowed to show Jonathon and his family favor when he became king.

Eventually, both Saul and Jonathon were killed, leaving behind Jonathon's young son Mephibosheth. When Mephibosheth's nurse heard of their deaths, she feared they would be taken captive and killed and she fled with the young boy. In her hurry, she fell and injured both of his legs, leaving him crippled.

After David was established as king, he remembered his promise to Jonathon and he called one of Saul's former servants and asked him if there was anyone left from Saul's house to which he could show favor. When the servant told him about Mephibosheth, David sent for him.

I can't imagine how scared Mephibosheth would have been when he was called to the palace of the king his grandfather had tried to kill. He could have run, but he chose to answer the invitation. When he arrived, he humbly bowed before David and David, much to Mephibosheth's relief, told him not to be afraid because he planned to show him favor. When he came to the palace, Mephibosheth offered himself as a servant, but he was given a seat at the king's table,which meant he was now considered one of David's sons. He was also given all of his Grandfather's land so servants could work it and to provide all that he needed, which gave the crippled Mephibosheth dignity. Mephibosheth bowed low and said, "What is your servant, that you should notice a dead dog like me?" There is no answer given to Mephibosheth in that moment. But the answer is wrapped up in the love that David had for his friend Jonathon.

I love this story because each one of us is Mephibosheth! We were born enemies of God because of Adam and Eve's sin. Each of us have also been crippled by sin we have committed and the sin that has been perpetrated against us. We have been crippled in our ability to do good, crippled in our ability to manage our emotions, crippled in our ability to discern the truth from lies, crippled in our ability to love well, and crippled in our ability to worship and to honor our Creator.

Yet, just like Mephibosheth, we have been invited to the palace of the King of kings. But this palace doesn't belong to an earthly king, it belongs to the Lord, God Almighty. Like Mephibosheth we've come with nothing to offer our King. Just as Mephibosheth found mercy because of David's love for Jonathon, we have found mercy because of the Father's love for Jesus and His payment for our sin. Like Mephibosheth, we who didn't even deserve to be servants have been made joint heirs with the Son of God. That means that we, too, have a place set at the King of king's table.

There is a reason this story is so precious to me. A few years ago, I suffered a severely broken ankle. After seven months in a cast, I was finally given permission to walk without crutches and without the cast. At first, my ankle joint was frozen and my walk, as one friend called it, was a slow, labored hobble. Oh, how I hated the hobble, until God reminded me of Mephibosheth's story. I could so relate to him making his way to the king's table. I could even imagine the sound of his labored steps as he came to the table. Over time the joint loosened a bit and on good days the limp is barely noticeable. However, occasionally I overdo it and I hurt and the limp becomes more pronounced, reminding me once again of Mephibosheth and how he, who was once David's enemy, came to be seated at the king's table. And once again I am reminded of our stories and how we, who were once enemies of the King, are seated at His table. I am also reminded that through through His divine power He has given us every thing we need for a godly life through the knowledge of Jesus who called us by His own glory and goodness. Over time I've let go of the shame I associated with my limp and have grown thankful for a very real physical picture of how I have been reconciled to the King of kings. I know that as we, God's crippled children  hobble to His table, we are met with grace and mercy and we are loved with a love that has been shown through Christ's work of reconciliation. We come limping, but the Father sees us as we will be in glory.

God's Love Demonstrated Part 1

Every so often I find myself in need of revisiting the great love of our God so for the next few weeks I will be writing on the different ways God has chosen to demonstrate His love to us. So often we say we know God loves us, but our actions don't convey that we truly believe it. When trials and temptations come we often find ourselves hearing the enemies voice trying to convince us that we have been forgotten, deserted, or at the least less loved than others we know.

As a young believer, I believed God loved me only because He created me. That belief didn't translate into a passionate, radical, and personal love that a perfect Father has for His children. In my mind it was more like a love of obligation and a sense of "I will put up with you" because I have to kinda love.

One day when my first child was waking up from his first nap in his "big boy" bed, he realized he could get out of the bed by himself. I heard his little feet hit the floor and he ran down the hall and slowed just as he got to the corner and peaked around at me to see if it was okay for him to come to me. I remember my heart beating faster as I heard him running down the hall and I held my arms out for him and he smiled big and ran into them. I sensed in my spirit the Lord saying to me that that was the same love He had toward me. That mean that His attitude when I approached Him in prayer, wasn't impatience. That meant I wasn't a bother demanding His attention. That meant He felt towards me the same kind of delight I felt towards my own child. I realized at the time that I had a hard time accepting that God delighted in me. Over the years I have tried to notice all the different ways God shows us His love. Today, I want to look at one of the most significant ways God demonstrated His love towards us--that is in the person of Jesus. We know God's word says Christ demonstrated His love by dying for us, but He also demonstrated His love by living among us.

The coming of Jesus was in no way a new plan conceived at the last minute by a desperate God watching His children walk in sin. No way! For in eternity past the plan was born in the heart of God. The Creator, the King of kings, the Lord of lords, the Sovereign God, chose to veil His glory and leave the incomprehensible beauty of His heavenly home and grow in the dark confinement of a human womb. While His heavenly position entitled Him to be born in a palace and wrapped in purple linens, He opted to be born in the middle of a sheepfold, wrapped in swaddling clothes. He by-passed a gold inlaid cradle for a simple manger so prophetic of His mission as Jehovah's sacrificial Lamb. He chose to limit His limitless abilities and powers to show us He understands us and is a sympathetic High Priest tempted in every way we've ever been tempted, yet without sin. To put it simply, to tell us He loved us Jesus chose to become a man.  

It is hard to comprehend a love deep enough that it would motivate Christ to leave His heavenly home as a baby and become dependent upon a woman who was His creation. It is also hard to understand how He would choose to grow up in a home with half brothers and half sisters who didn't recognize Him for who He was or what He came to do. It's hard to comprehend a love so outrageous it would cause Him who spoke the universe into place to become an apprentice in His stepfather's shop. There He no longer could use His limitless creativity as His medium was hardwood and His tools were tools made by human hands. Rather than speaking things into being, He chose to be limited to the use of His human hands--hands that now became dirty, callused, and rough--just like ours. Yet, those same strong hands revealed God's tender compassion by gently reaching out and blessing the children that followed Him. They were also the same hands that restored sight to the blind, hearing to the deaf, and mew life to leprous flesh. They were the same hands that washed His disciples feet and healed hurts that were buried in the deepest parts of men's souls.

It is hard to understand a love so outrageous that it would motivate God to take on a human body and become vulnerable enough to experience physical  discomfort like our own--He was prone to hunger, thirst, and exhaustion. He even experienced emotional needs and found it necessary to ask three of His friends to pray for Him as He was facing His impending death. It is hard to understand a love so outrageous that it would motivate Him to set aside His own needs to meet the needs of those pressing in on Him. If they needed food, He provided it. If they needed healing, He healed them. If they needed comfort, He wiped away their tears. If they needed knowledge, He taught them through sermons, parables, and life lessons. If they needed courage, He encouraged them. If they needed rest, He took them aside to get it. If they needed freedom, He fought for it by casting out demons that vexed their souls. Even when His own emotions were raw and painful, He still ministered to others.

With the same voice He had used to speak the universe into place He comforted those who mourned. With the same voice He had used to calm the angry seas He dispelled the fears of His disciples and offered forgiveness to sinners. With the same voice that confronted the Pharisees, calling them vipers, He offered blessing to the children  and mercy to the guilty. It was the same voice He had used to comfort two sisters whose brother had just been laid to rest that turned the situation around with power and majesty, ordering the Lazarus to come forth from the tomb. It was the same voice that spoke with authority to cast out legions of demons that spoke so kindly that it healed the deepest shame of an adulterous woman.

It was His eyes that were capable of seeing everything that could penetrate the hardest of hearts. His eyes that sparkled in the early morning light as He communed with His heavenly Father also shed human tears when He saw the people were like sheep without a shepherd. It was His eyes that were the only eyes that had a right to condemn, but instead, being motivated by outrageous love, chose to use His eyes as instruments of saving grace. For as He gazed into the eyes of people broken by their sin and shame, it is obvious He conveys the heart of the living God--a heart so full of tender mercies, beating with a passions so strong and so outrageous Jesus chose to be the one to make it known by becoming a man. Oh, that we would truly begin to comprehend the outrageous love of God from which we can never be separated. It is not a high and lofty love, it is a rich deeply personal love that has that power to save, heal, and transform.

Oh, Those Refining Relationships

"Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another."

Proverbs 27:17

I had the joy of spending three weeks with my granddaughter in Washington. She is delightful, smart, and very tenderhearted. She told me about a close friend whose parent's are getting divorced. I listened and asked questions, giving her a chance to verbalize the emotions she is experiencing for her friend. She, of course, was sad for reasons she explained quite well for a nine year old. I told her I was sad for the same reasons, but that I was mostly sad because I believe relationships are a tool God uses to help people become the best people they can be. I know some divorces are inevitable, but often when people give up on relationships they don't always become better people.  

I wasn't sure she understood, but later in the week she shared about a classmate who is struggling in all of her relationships. She tends to bully, starts fights, and lies to teachers to get others into trouble. She's been advised by her parents and teacher on how to handle the situation so I simply reminded her not everyone will like her and that doesn't mean she is a bad person. I encouraged her to follow the advice she had been given and asked her what she would like to do in this hard situation. Very thoughtfully she said, "I think I want to become the best Katie I can be." I was so proud she understood the connection between the difficult relationship with which she was faced and the refining process it could bring about if she practiced choosing to be true to the person she wants to be. It won't be easy, especially in the face of bullying, false accusations, and hurtful behavior and they may never become friends, but she can still grow to be the best Katie possible by how she chooses to respond.   

Our discussion left me doing a lot of reflection on God's refining process. Sometimes it comes through trials and tribulations like illnesses, financial stresses, and natural disasters, However, most often the refining takes place in relationships. The people God uses in our lives may be authority figures, acquaintances, close friends, or family members. They may be enemies--the overt ones, the subtle ones, and the passive ones. Any person God has places in our lives, no matter how brief or how long, can be used by God to sharpen us.

Some refining relationships that I have had were easy and fun relationships. They were mutually enjoyable and had minimal conflict. In most of those the people were encouraging people who spoke God's truth into my life, helping me tear down strongholds that were a result of lies I had grown to believe. They helped me identify those lies and then repeatedly spoke His truth until I could own it as my own. These relationships allowed me to experience love that was unconditional, patient, and kind which is the love God pours out on us. That experience of love broke down strongholds that kept believing I was unloved and unloveable, which has changed drastically how I live.     

Some refining relationships I have had were very hard. Some were riddled with conflict that stirred up fears I didn't want to face. These fears included the fear of anger, both mine and that of others. The fear of my anger came out of my fear of the sinful behaviors and ugly thoughts that often arise out of unresolved anger. The fear of other's anger flowed out of a desire to avoid their harsh words or actions that deeply wound. It also included the fear of being rejected, keeping me from confronting when God called me to confront and causing me not to be true to myself. It included the fear of being totally unloved and alone, which led to ugly codependent and clingy behaviors. It included the fear of having others find out how perfectly imperfect I am. These fears sometimes drove defensive behaviors, making me quick tempered. Sometimes they came out as self-protective behaviors which caused me to withdraw, closing my heart off from those who wanted to know it. Sometimes the fears silenced me, causing me to become invisible. Essentially the fears hindered my ability to love well.

Some of the hard relationships exposed my sin and I hated that. I wanted others to think well of me, and most of all I wanted to think well of myself. But some of the difficult relationships exposed unresolved anger, impatience, frustration, unbelief, and insecurities. Some of the the relationships exposed selfishness that made me care more about a slight than another person's heart. Some of the relationships exposed pride and a demanding attitude that flowed from the pride that made it hard for others to hear the needs, desires, and wants I poorly and angrily expressed.

Some of the hard relationships were difficult because others didn't know how to love any better than I did. That often drove me to do everything I could earn love that they were incapable of giving, which was exhausting and left me feeling frustrated and alone. God used those relationships to teach me to be be satisfied in Christ's perfect love and to learn to focus on demonstrating love instead of trying to get it from people who didn't have it to give. 

Many years ago I told our pastor that I could be really good and sin a lot less if I could live alone. But, with four kids under the age of five at the time, being alone wasn't possible. Luckily the wise silver haired pastor smiled and told me relationships were the tool God most often used to refine us and He would never be through refining this side of heaven. Over time it became more obvious to me that the sin residing in me wasn't caused by others, it was merely being exposed and that in itself isn't a bad thing. It is good because it is proof that God is working in me. As I began to grow in an understanding of God's love, grace, and sanctification, I became more accepting of refining relationships and my humanity. I quit wanting to run from the hard of the relationships I had.   

From those refining relationships, the ugly and judgmental thoughts about others reveal more about my heart than it does their's. I can choose to either deal with my heart and become more gracious and loving or I can stay judgmental and grow more ugly and judgmental. The defensive words that sometimes erupt from this mouth reveal old wounds that need healing or lies I believe that need to be taken captive with His truth. I can either choose to do that business or I can grow more defensive and hot-headed. The ugliness that occurs in my relationships exposes my selfishness and my lack of skills in communicating. I can either choose to deal with my selfish heart and humbly learn communication skills that help me speak in loving ways or I can choose to nurse hurt and grow angrier, more disagreeable and become a pro at demanding. 

The refining processes has taught me it isn't all about me, while at the same time is is all about me. By that I mean another person's words, behavior, and attitude is about their heart and their relationship to God, not me. However, God desires for me to care about their heart instead of personalizing their behavior. He often desires to use me to invite them back to the truth so they can know His heart. It is about me in that the emotions that surface, the words that can lie on the tip of my tongue, and the attitude writing itself on my face in response to another is mine to own. It is an opportunity to choose to be refined or not.  

           

Even my relationship with Jesus is a refining relationship. There were times He hasn't answered prayers my way, exposing a lack of trust on my part. There were times I was hurting and He remained silent. At first I believed I wasn't being seen or heard by Him, but learned His silences ware an invitation to keep pouring my heart out to Him until the sin, the unbelief, and the pain were drained, allowing His truth to sink deeper and my intimacy with Him to grow as my deepest heart needs were covered by His love and His grace. I've learned the only way out of the painful shame I bore was to accept both my humanity and His deity. This allowed me to walk through the heat of the shame of imperfection as He continually covers me with His blood and cools the shame with His acceptance.  

The refining God has done with me has helped my faith grow and I'm confident of my relationship with Him, of His love, of His grace, and of the goodness of His plans for my life. The refining He has done has removed toxic shame and helped me learn to walk in the truth of who He is and who He says I am because of what Christ has done on the cross. The refining has helped me come to understand that this life isn't about me getting everything I want, but about me resting in His love and learning to love well. 

Oh, those refining relationships...they can be hard. But they are the tool that God uses to whittle away at all that is not holy and all that keeps us from bearing His image. It is those refining relationships that allow His glory to shine through these cracked earthen vessels that we are to a world that desperately needs Him. 

The Struggle with Waiting

I've always struggled with waiting, which can make life hard because, as believers, we are living in season of waiting. There are all kinds of waits in this life. Some of my waits have been for exciting things--things like my graduation from college, my wedding day, the first day at my first post-college job, and the due dates of my children. Those waits were hard because of the excitement I felt about those upcoming events. Those waits were also hard because I tend to be a fearful person and I was afraid something might get in the way of those events happening. Those fears were exposed by the "what if's" running through my mind. What if I flunked one of my finals? What if my loved one died in an accident before we could marry or what if he changed his mind about marrying me? What if my new boss realized I wasn't good enough for the job he was offering me or what if he realized someone else was more qualified than I? What if I miscarried or one of the babies wasn't healthy?

Looking back, I wish I had known better how to live in the present moments during those waits instead of the land of "what if's." I see now that I could have done that by acknowledging my fears and relishing each day and each season of my life. I wouldn't have wanted to rush to the next thing. Instead, I would have lived each day cherishing each season. I would have enjoyed school more with all of its opportunities to learn, to interact with friends, and to grow as a person. I would have enjoyed more the seasons of dating and being engaged, drawing near to God as He prepared me to be a wife. I would have treasured more the enjoyment of each pregnancy with all of the flutters, kicks, wiggles, and overwhelming love growing in my heart, using the seasons of pregnancy to pray specifically for each child growing close to my heart.

There are some waits that are hard because they don't seem fair. I have hated sitting in a doctor's offices waiting for hours. Don't get me wrong, if it happens occasionally, I understand he or she has had an emergency and I am gracious, knowing I would want their full attention in an emergency. Many of my doctors have been timely and apologetic when they run behind. However, a couple kept patients waiting on a regular basis, I believed those docs overbook, not caring about my time. In those cases I found myself speculating that the doc wouldn't have time to listen to my concerns and began to what I would tell him. I grew resentful, knowing I would be charged for missed appointments and be required to reschedule if I were late. That kind of wait is really hard because it resurfaces an old core belief that I am unimportant and invisible or it triggers a strong sense of entitlement that shows itself in rude behaviors and messy "attitude."

I have learned that it is okay to use personal power to shop for respectful doctors. I have also learned that if it is a doctor I can't opt out of to go prepared so I can make use of the wait. I choose to be gracious and kind to the staff while praying for patients sharing the wait. I can enjoy that book I never get to at home, catch up on email, or practice simply relaxing. One night my son and I were stuck in an emergency room for hours. About the time my patience was grew thin a family came in who had several teenagers with them. I could tell things were serious for the family and without knowing them I felt burdened to pray for them. Later in the week I had coffee with a friend who asked me to pray for her daughter who had a close friend lose her mother to a stroke that week. As we talked about the details we realized it was the family I was praying for. Her daughter was comforted by the fact that it seemed like God had brought a prayer warrior into the emergency room to pray over their family that night.

There are some waits that are hard because the end of the wait results in sure pain. People in our community know they're losing jobs, but don't know when and its scary. Some have lost jobs and are waiting for houses to sale and waiting for upcoming moves not desired, knowing the pain of goodbyes looms big. The wait of lab tests to confirm cancer are unbearable, as one wonders if its possible to survive cancer or the cure. The wait of a major surgery is hard once the need of surgery is known. It would be easier to just get the pain over with. The end stages of illnesses are hard waits because we are conflicted with the desire to hold on to loved ones and the desire to see their suffering end. The long waits involved in early onset Alzheimer's are hard because bodies are strong, while minds fade. We anticipate the hard future, struggling with with desire for time to move slow to savor the person or to speed up to end the pain of a slow goodbye. These kinds of waits induce all kinds of fears--the fear of not being able to provide, the fear of being inadequate for the situations we find ourselves in, the fear of future losses, the fear of great emotional pain, and the fear of watching loved ones diminish and suffer.

For me, learning to navigate some of these waits has required I be willing to grow and  I get real with God, pouring my heart out to Him for the duration. They require I be open to anything and everything He might teach me about Him, myself, others, and about life in the wait. They require I choose to navigate one day at a time looking honestly both at what is hard and what is good about each day, giving thanks for both. It requires that we accept our limitations and grow humble, learning to trust God's sovereignty and redemptive plan.

There is still another kind of waiting to be acknowledged and that is waiting on God. As Paul Trip said in his devotional, New Morning Mercies, waiting on God is not meaningless waiting because he is not over booked. Nor has He lost sight of me as I live in His waiting room. Waiting on Him is not meant to be tortuous or stir up feeling of not being important.

In fact, one of His names is El Roi, which is the God who sees. He sees circumstances. He sees my heart. He sees me.

Another one of His names is Jehovah Shama which means the God who hears. The Scriptures say God has His ears turned toward those who are waiting on Him. That means that every wait is an invitation for me to pour my heart out to Him and to keep pouring it out until...

   ...all buried hurt is replaced with joy
      ...compassion and emotions shut down are resurrected
         ...lies believed are exposed and replaced with His truth
            ...areas of doubt surface and are replaced with confident faith
               ...I face my sin and cry out for His mercy to be fulfilled in me
                  ...the desire to know Him is bigger than my desire to experience His gifts
                     ...He fully has my heart.  

As a believer, I'm called to have confidence in God as I wait. The truth is the Christian life is a season of waiting. Jesus has come and bought me out of the slave market of sin, but I am still waiting for Him to fully remove remove sin from my life. Jesus has defeated the enemy, but I am waiting for the enemy to quit thrashing around like a snake with his head cut off, whispering His hideous lies. Even though Jesus has defeated sin the earth itself is groaning under the weight of it and I am waiting for it to be made new again. Jesus is preparing my future home, but I am waiting for Him to return for me. I've been given the Holy Spirit, but I'm waiting for Him to complete His work in me. I've been given grace, but am waiting to be living fully in its presence.

This waiting is hard, but it is good for me. I am learning to be courageous in the hard. I am learning to act on what is to come rather than what is right now. These waits I am learning to handle with confident also defeat the enemy bit because it silences his lies that cast doubt on God's goodness and grace. The struggle with waiting has developed Godly character in me, drawing me closer to the heart of the One for whom I will never tire waiting.