Who do you Love?

Every New Year's we hear a lot about resolutions that help us be physically, emotionally, relationally, and/or spiritually healthier people. The resolutions range from making diet changes, to exercising more, to setting better boundaries, to not losing one's temper, to having more date nights with a spouse, to reading the Bible more often, and to developing a consistent prayer life.

This year I noticed a bit of push back towards those stating resolutions by those who believe resolutions set us up for failure. And to me a resolution does feel all or nothing. Once I've blown it, I feel like I've blown it for the whole year. Some of the discussions I heard about resolutions remind me of the discussions the Lord had in Matthew 22. The Pharisees, who were all about keeping the law, posed the question, "Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?" Even though they were asking with a motive of trying to disprove Jesus, I resonate with the question because I lived in fear and I longed to be a good girl and I longed to please the Lord.

I know I'm not the only one. As a volunteer youth worker, I was often asked how far one could carry out particular behaviors before Jesus (or others) consider them sin. I loved the honesty in the questions, because I think we adults want the same kind of direction, we are too ashamed to express it. At some point we've wondered when social drinking become drunkenness and sinful? We have wondered when does a friendly interaction between two married people moves from friendship to adultery either emotional or physical? How far is too far to go physically in a dating relationship before it is sin? Or, how many times can we miss church before it becomes sinful?

Like the Pharisees, we want clear guidelines. We want to know so we can feel good about ourselves and know we are good people.We may want to know because we feel safer if we know exactly where the line is drawn and what is expected of us. And if there is more than one thing expected, we believe we have a  better chance of pleasing God if we figure out what the most important thing to fulfill is. We may want to know because we may have been in bondage to sin and be afraid that we will be sucked back into it if we don't set a protective bar high. But sadly, that may help us, but we may sin by becoming Pharisaical as we judge and push our standard on others, robbing them of their freedom in Christ.  

Jesus's answer is probably not the answer they expected, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets." It seems somewhat subjective. Not black-and-what enough!

Reading the Lord's words, I remember hearing a sermon on them and asking God to help me understand what it means to love Him with all my heart, all my soul, and all my mind. Those words sound like being completely consumed by love and passion for Him. Though I had experienced moments like that I wasn't sure what it meant to actually live that out continuously. So, I continued to pray for God's help and over the next few weeks, I noticed every sermon I heard was on the love God has for us. Every time I turned on the car radio a song about His love was playing. I also received many unexpected encouragement notes during that time, containing verses about God's love for me--notes written by people who knew nothing about my prayers. I looked up verses on love and one of them said, "We love because He first loved us." and I grasped that to love God the way I desired, I had to first begin to comprehend and embrace the truth of His great love for me. Prior to that, if one asked me if God loved me I would say yes, but in truth I struggled daily to believe it and that doubt often drove my thought life, my responses to God and others and to my circumstances, and it drove my actions.

Over several years God showed me through words and through experience how much he loved me. Sometimes it was when I was showing love to my children, I would sense Him saying, "This is how I love you." Sometimes it was when a friend extended grace that I sensed Him saying, "My loving grace is deeper still!" Sometimes it was in the struggle to overcome sinful patterns, as I cried out to Him for help to overcome that I sensed His presence overwhelming me with love and silencing the angst of desire gone awry! Sometimes it was in the roar of a wave at the beach, or the birds singing in the mountains, the eerie silence of snow blanketing desert town, the roar of the thunder, the tremble of the quaking earth, the beautiful sunrises, and the display of the milky way across the darkened moonless sky reminded me of His loving presence. Sometimes it was in the sacredness of hearing another's pain that I could feel His loving presence wash over us and see the beauty still present in the brokenness. Sometimes I experienced His love as He brought me to specific passages in His Word--passages that revealed how He loves and passages that exposed my misunderstandings of Him and the stronghold of disbelief that kept me from fully enjoying His love.

This was different! Before, my faith had been about me trying to be good. My faith had been about me trying to earn His love. My faith had been about trying not to make Him angry at me. Now, it became about understanding and fully receiving the love He had already demonstrated at Calvary and looking for was to love Him in return.

The more I studied the more I realized how tightly the second command is tied to the first. One cannot totally demonstrate love for God apart from loving others. Matthew 25:35-40, "'For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.' Then the righteous will answer him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?' and the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you as you did it to me one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.'" So, to love another visible person well is to love the invisible God the way He wants to be loved!

I also had been a person who struggled with severe self-contempt and came across the truth of Psalm 139. "I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." That concept blew me away! But the more I pondered it, the more I realized living in shame and contempt draws the focus from God to me in a sick way. The more I dwelled there, the more I tended to hide from both God and man and the more I was driven by self-protective behaviors than love. I grew to accept that Temptation is common to man. Paul, claimed he was the worst of sinners and I decided to quit fighting him for that title and just focus on the fact that by faith Jesus took all of my bad on Himself and gave me His goodness. I began to grasp the freedom of the greatest two commandments. By choosing to believe He loved me, I could focus on getting to know Him by studying His attributes and trusting that He is there when I cry out to Him in desperate need of strength to fight sin or in desperate need of grace and mercy in the face of failure. By focusing on the next loving word to speak I can overcome sins of the tongue, not giving into the tendency to gossip, slander, bear false witness, or spew hatefulness at another. By focusing on the next loving action I can perform, I can overcome both sins of commission and sins omission, and the sin of self-protection. By focusing on love, I can overcome the sinful desires not yet weeded out of my heart. By focusing on serving others, I no longer clamor to be served, living with constant disappointment because other broken creatures like me failed to meet my expectations. By focusing on the love of Jesus, I become empowered to love God, others, and myself well, and the righteousness I used to seek is worked out in a natural way that exceeds my frantic efforts and gives a spirit of humility rather than pride. So, who do you love?

Christ's Compassion in the Face of Shame

It was a warm day and Jesus and His disciples were walking through a crowd. A rich religious leader abruptly pushed through the crowd, falling at Jesus' feet, imploring Him to come heal his dying twelve-year-old daughter. Jesus knew the man risked his position, his power, and his influence in the community by coming to Him. The desperate dad, risked it all and Jesus agreed to go. As they headed towards his home the crowd pressed in and a woman who had been ill for as long as the man had been a dad came near. She wanted to see The Christ and in her desperate state forgot she, an unclean woman, wasn't supposed to be near others and wasn't supposed to interrupt a leader's hope for a miracle.   

She was as pale as pale could be with shades of gray circling her lifeless eyes. She had been bleeding for twelve years--years that felt like an eternity. She had spent all she had on doctors who didn't have the power or knowledge to heal her and she was left destitute with no choice but to live life as a beggar. According to Jewish law, she was ceremoniously unclean and she lived isolated. She couldn't do things we take for granted. She couldn't go to church, shop in the market, ask for a hug, have sex with a spouse, or bear children. She couldn't care for a home as everything she touched became unclean. She couldn't visit with friends or invite company to dinner. She was physically weak, listless, and tired, and left to deal with a heap of emotions common to the chronically ill--emotions like discouragement, despair, loneliness, confusion, and shame--shame that was born from being unable to function, unable to do the things women do, unable to engage in the social life of her community, and unable to join in public worship in the outer court. Shame that came from the belief that suffering is always due to sin that is hidden.  

           

When she saw that Jesus was heading to the leader's house, she was desperate to get as close as she could. As she drew closer, she was overwhelmed with the thought, "If only I can just touch His garment,.." She mustered up the energy to squeeze through the crowd, pressing closer and closer. Trembling, in fear and with a remanent of hope igniting within her, she stretched and stretched and stretched and hoped and hoped and hoped. She was stretching with the ache of longing for a dozen years until she touched His hem. And the loneliness running deep subsided in the single act of connection. And the senseless flow of  blood stopped and her pale cheeks glowed healthy. She straightened as the cramping dissipated and strength flowed from the top of her head to her tippy toes. Fatigue faded as Christ's as the realization that His power stopped the life flowing out of her, making her uncleanliness clean once again. 

Feeling unworthy, she turned to slip away, but He scanned the crowd, asking, "Who touched Me?" Fearfully she wanted to flee, but the healing gave her the courage to own what she had become done. After she finished speaking, she expected to be reproved and treated with the same disdain with which she had become familiar. But He looked at her with eyes full of compassion, and tenderly spoke, "Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace, and be well." When she heard the tenderness in His voice and the endearing term "daughter" she found the courage to lift her eyes and look into His, finding there both the love and the acceptance she craved. 

It was Christ’s compassion that compelled Him to give physical life to her body slowly dying. It was His compassion that caused Him to call her out. For, in the asking, He was inviting her to move out of shame to live in the light. He was also inviting her to a face-to-face encounter so she could experience acceptance and restoration. His love expressed in the word "Daughter" went straight to the heart, healing the shame born out of being unclean. It was that same word that healed the pain of loneliness she had endured for twelve years. She had come hoping for a miracle, but He gave her something more--He gave her relational connection that melted away her shame.  

It is interesting to note that the man came to Jesus both boldly and publicly to plea for his daughter's life while she came quietly and secretly, wanting to live. He was wealthy; she was destitute. He was a religious leader, she was rejected and declared unclean. His family was well respected, she was rejected and isolated. He faced the possible loss of a daughter. She had been facing death physically, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually since her illness began. Though their circumstances differed, they both came to Him in the midst of the hard, confessing their desperate needs. 

While we may not suffer with her physical ailment, we have the same shame sinking its talons into us--shame because we aren't the perfect Christians, wives, mom's, and employees we pretend to be. Shame that we aren't the perfect size, with perfectly manicured nails, and perfect skin. Shame that we don't always sing on pitch, don't always paint our pictures perfect, don't always dance perfectly to the beat, and do not cook perfect meals like a top chef. Shame that our bodies tire, that we leave tasks undone, and fail to show up to commitments on time. Shame that we get sick, and can't be what everyone wants us to be. Shame that we, at times, relate in ways that deeply wound those we love most. Shame that we have everything we could ever need, yet often feel dissatisfied and discontent. Shame that we, at times, feel both unloved and unloveable while at the same time knowing we so often fail to love well. Shame over the sin we hide, the idols we cling to, and the thoughts we are thankful no one can see. And then there is that persistent thought that maybe, just maybe we really are beyond redeeming. 

But, Jesus! He knows! He is calling each of us out and reminding us grace given depends on the Giver, not us the recipients. He is constantly inviting us to come out of shame and live by faith. And it is by faith we were saved and by faith we are growing in Him. It is by grace that we are called His, "Chosen," "Beloved," "Redeemed," "Reconciled," "Daughters." Because His love is outrageous we can know that His compassion is limitless and His grace sufficient.   

3 Trials--A PS to Unquenchable Thirst

I intended to blog about a different person from the Bible today, but a couple of things have prompted me to not move on so quickly. First, I notice anger is triggered when I read John 4:42. "They said to the woman, "It is no longer because of what you said that we believe, for we have heard for ourselves, and we know that this is indeed the Savior of the world." It seems like a bit of a dig and it bothers me that those who had just received Christ couldn't just thank her for leading them to Him. But, to give them the benefit of the doubt, I realize I don't know with what the words were spoken. Nor do I know what their body language conveyed. They may have said it nicely, meaning it as a compliment or they may have said it with excitement, expressing gratefulness that it had been made personal. I do hope it wasn't with the snide voice I hear when I read the words. However, there is a truth here we want to grasp. Not one of us is birthed into the family of God through another's faith. Not our parents's, not siblings', not a bible teacher's, and not a pastor's. It is always through personal faith in Jesus Christ.

Second, last week something happened that reminded me of a period of time in which I found my self facing the hard stuff. First, there was the death of one of my closest friends. She was there when several of my kids were born, did Bible studies with me, and we had long conversations over meals cooked, socials planned, diapers folded, and diets failed. She challenged my faith, challenged lies I believed that fed self-contempt, and she loved on my kids. I was in her wedding and walked with her through a miscarriage two babies that died. Our experiences allowed our friendship to survive the miles caused by my move. One day we spent hours on the phone catching up and a couple of days later she died in her sleep from congestive heart failure. I sat at her funeral surrounded by people she loved well and who loved her well. How I longed to hear her cute southern accent, share with her another her belly laugh, and hear her sweet voice singing praises. I longed to tell her I regretted not making more opportunities to visit, that I wish I had handled the few rough spots we experienced in our relationship better, and that I was thankful her grace was bigger than my dysfunction and self-centeredness.

A couple of weeks later one of our sons had an ATV accident. He told the doctor he thought he was bleeding inside, but he discounted as radiating pain and a week later, we returned to the hospital with son with skin tones of gray to find out his spleen had ruptured. When they wheeled him to surgery, there were regrets for not having listened to my gut telling me he had more than a broken bone. That first night I was terrified and found myself facing the sovereignty of God in a way I never had before. I could feel God's presence looming big, inviting me to trust in His goodness! But I was afraid because I knew He could heal him, but didn't know if it was His will. After surgery, things were still serious as water collected around his heart like it had my friend's. They considered doing another surgery, but eventually figured out where to place tubes to drain what needed to be drained so his body could heal. We made it through it with the support of friends, but I sensed something different between me and God.

Not too long after that, a different son called to say his pregnant wife was put on bed rest in a hospital on the other side of the country. The pregnancy had high risks and lots of ups and downs. During that time I was reminded of how I felt those first few hours while our son was in surgery. I decided to push through my fear and run to God with all that I was. I prayed nonstop for the baby being carried and I prayed for the mom and dad to have the strength they needed for the days ahead. I also told God all of my longings and desires to know this little one, and at the end of the prayers I acknowledged my love for God, my acceptance of His sovereignty, and my faith in His goodness. I don't know how to explain the depth or the beauty of the relationship I had with God during those long hard weeks until she was born early and the long three months of waiting for her to grow big enough to go home.

Last week, the thing that happened that triggered my memories and feelings triggered a few other people whose children had suffered serious life-threatening events and illnesses. I had some neat conversations about those things. One of those chats was with one of our pastors who faced life threatening illnesses with a child first and then a grandchild, which I think is why his favorite book of the Bible is Philippians. As I was sharing with him what I remembered learning during that period of time, he pointed out it was exactly what Philippians says. I joked, "I hate it when pastors are right!" But then it hit me, the book of Philippians had become alive in me through those trials and I said to him the exact words we find in John, "Now, I know it to be true for myself!"

The enemy would have us believe suffering, especially suffering over time, proves God's doesn't care or listen to our prayers. But His ears are turned to those waiting on Him. The enemy would have us sink into shame of regrets or the despair of hope given up on instead of praising God in the midst of it all. He would have us flee or freeze in response to growing fear instead of running through it to God whose arms are open wide. He would have us reject the truth instead of wrestling with it, so our faith wains He would have us cower in the face of God's sovereignty over life and death situations and have us fail to understand that His perspective of a life no matter how long or short matters and fulfills purposes we may not understand.

What if we view the suffering we endure and the trials we face that stretch us tight like rubber bands ready to pop as opportunities to apply head knowledge of God and His word? What if we look at them as opportunities to wrestle with God and His truth in prayer until all doubts are purged, all lingering lies rebuked, and our shielded hearts are laid open and vulnerable to receive all that He has to reveal and give? What if we faced the hard with the firm belief that His intention is to make us fully alive, to soften calloused hearts, to strengthen weak faith, draw us deeper in to the very relationship for which we were created? What if we look at them as the means God may use to instill in us passions that help us fulfill the purposes for which we were designed. What if?

I believe all of this hard comes with living in a fallen world and being people broken by sin. It is also a part of living a redemption story where God's grace abounds and takes what we would label bad and uses it to transform hearts and minds and bring His Word fully alive in us.

When I adopt this perspective I won't find myself so anxious in the powerlessness of someone else's suffering. Nor, will I find myself wanting to talk someone out of their emotions, shame them out of their doubts, or draw them out of a life-transforming wrestling match that has the potential to strengthen their faith, ignite their passion, and give them a bigger more true view God that reaches all the way from the heavens down to their core of their being so they, too, can proclaim, "I have seen His truth for myself!"

Shame and Unquenchable Thirst

When I began dealing with pain of my past, I came face to face with a core of shame that ran deep, That core explained why, as a believer, I had struggled with the desperate desire to experience deep connection with God while, at the same time, trying to hide parts of myself from Him. I knew I believed and belonged to Him, but I was plagued with fear that if He really knew me He would realize what a mistake it was to extend grace to a mess like me. I had a lot of knowledge about God and could always believe His promises for others, but often wondered if He could or would fulfill them for me and in me. This fear and doubt stemmed from that core of shame that had taken root from an early age. The core that led me to believe I was a bunch of  "toos"-- --too dirty, too bad, too stupid, too needy, too messy, too weak, too defective, too invisible, and too inadequate, each "too" hidden by a great big smile. It also left me wondering if I could be loved the way I knew God loves others. Over the next few weeks I want to share some of how I began to heal shame that is no longer mine to claim.

First, I found someone safe to share about the things that caused my shame to take root. I learned to recognize and acknowledged it as well as the lies that formed its roots. Next, I began to believe there was value in stories--both His story and mine and the relationship between the two. As I did that I began to view my story as a redemption story instead of resenting that it wasn't a perfect fairy tale. That helped me begin to accept both the positive and the negative I had lived. It helped me accept both my weaknesses and strengths and to embrace a life made messy by being in the process of sanctification instead of striving for perfection. I became more comfortable with the confusion of living in a fallen world while I desperately longed for the beauty of heaven untouched by sin. I began to believe that the hard wasn't an indication of a lack of power or love on Jesus' part any more that it was proof that I was beyond redemption.

I also developed a strong curiosity about how God relates to His people and began reading about His encounters with people in both the Old and New Testaments. I read more carefully and meditated on the stories, penning questions and thoughts as I went. I realized people in the Bible were not super heroes, they were simple humans like me--humans that sinned, humans that felt, humans that struggled. So, I tried to put myself in their shoes so I could connect with their stories at a heart level. My view of God and my relationship with Him began to evolve from a fear base to a love based one.

Over the next few weeks I will share what I learned from some of the stories. The first story is found in John 4. It's the story of Christ's encounter with a Samaritan woman. I learned Jewish leaders at that time avoided Samaria because they despised the mixed race that had grown out of the Assyrian captivity, But, Jesus! He wasn't like other religious leaders. He entered Samaria and stopped beside a well to rest because He knew a very thirsty soul was in need. He watched as one lone woman approach the well during the hottest part of day--a time in which she could avoid others who came to draw water as well. I imagine her approaching the well with purpose in her step, hoping to get her water and quickly leave. I also imagine her growing more cautious as she realized He was sitting there.

He surprised her when He asked her to give Him a drink and she responded by pointing out the obvious culture breaches, knowing full well He, as a Jew, would not want to drink from the vessel of an unclean, Samaritan woman like her. Surprisingly He continues to respectfully dialogue with her, pointing out that she didn't know who He was, didn't know that He was offering her living water, and that she didn't understand how she could receive it. I love that Jesus never memorized a script. He presented truth in terms familiar to each. He knew she came to the well physically thirsty and He used that thirst to expose deeper thirsts of her heart. She tried to keep the conversation where it felt safe, so it didn't stir up painful longings, didn't expose her unmet needs, and allowed her to keep her secrets well hidden.

But He knew! He knew He had what she needed most. So, He continued to steer the conversation to the real and to the spiritual. He asked her to bring her husband. It seemed like an odd request, but I imagine with her history her eyes dropped and her voice either softened or bristled depending on which contempt she used to silence her shame.

But He knew that the truth she needed to face was in the words she didn't speak and He used that truth to draw the surface her painful, unrequited thirsts of the soul. He gently acknowledged she was right in saying she didn't have a husband, and let her know she had five husbands and was now living with a man to whom she wasn't married.

He knew! He knew that a woman married five times was looking for someone to fill soul-thirst. But each marriage she entered was like drinking caffeinated drinks to dowse physical thirst. No man, could meet all the unmet needs of childhood and the failed marriages before him.

He knew! He knew that she was living with a heart deeply wounded by the humiliation and shame of rejection that comes with being drug to the town and declared an unfit wife. He knew with each rejection she suffered, her soul had grown more thirsty. He knew with each rejection, parts of her heart grew calloused. He knew with each rejection the belief that she wasn't enough dug itself deeper into the core of her being, causing her to doubt but unable to totally kill the longings. He knew she was a woman whose physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual needs were crying out to be met and He saw her and He heard the cries of her heart.

Through the discourse, her knowledge of Him grew from being a  Jew, to a prophet, to the Messiah. And the words He said to her had to be balm to a thirsty soul: "Believe me, woman, a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem...Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks." I can't imagine the power those words held for her. By those words He included her and told her she is sought by the Father--she, the woman, the Samaritan, the ostracized, the defective, the inadequate, the unloved, the invisible, the abandoned is being sought by Jehovah.  

Her encounter with Jesus changed her. She left her water jar in the dust, going to the very people she avoided by her noontime water runs. She told them about Jesus and invited them to come and see for themselves if He was the Messiah. The painful hard the woman had endured and the painful hard the community experienced as a mixed-race culture, rejected and scorned, had given them a soul thirst so deep they knew only the Messiah could quench it. Many of the Samaritans of that community came to know Jesus was the Savior of the world!

There is never a thirst so deep Jesus can't fill it, but we often have to come to the end of ourselves to fully believe and embrace this truth. I also know there is never a shame that can run so deep that the Spirit of God and His truth can't dissolve it, replacing it with pure joy. For when the King of kings seeks us and then meets us by the wells we have dug in an attempt to quench our parched souls, we can finally drop all the pesky "toos" and know that by His blood we have been accepted, made whole, and declared good enough.

No More Shame

Ten years ago, we started a support group ministry that serves women who have experienced childhood sexual abuse. Over time we expanded the ministry to serve those who have experienced other kinds of abuses, those struggling with dysfunctional and painful relationships, those trapped in the painful cycles of eating disordered thoughts and behaviors, and those struggling to manage their emotions. The women have ranged from age eighteen to 73. The women have come from all walks of life and from a variety of churches. Some are referred to us from counselors' offices and ministries that serve addicts and those rescued from sex trafficking. We've had women from different ethnic backgrounds and economic statuses. We have had some who are single, some who are married, and some who are divorced, and some who are moms and others who are longing to be. We've served those who could barely read and those with advanced degrees who work in various professions including teaching, nursing, counseling, journalists, and lawyers.

Though the women come from different backgrounds and experienced different kinds of abuse, they have a core of shame in common. A core that bubbles to the surface when they walk into our doors. For some their shame will manifest itself in downcast eyes, slumped shoulders, depression, and soft voices. For some shame will express through denial, passivity, and words that are dismissed with a shrug. For some shame will show as defiance, seeking offences anywhere and everywhere, and anger loudly projected on those closest to them. For some shame looks like strong, loud, angry voices that express contempt towards specific genders or people groups and for some it is contempt for self. For some shame looks like humor that attempts to silence serious discussions that could reveal their hearts or surface serious unspoken questions, sad memories, and painful feelings. For some shame looks like ambivalence with a draw to tell their story one day and a strong desire to run the next. For some shame looks like a body starved to the bone, for others a body cloaked in a protective abundance of curve-hiding fat. For some shame looks like baggy clothes and no makeup and for others it;s perfectly coiffed hair, perfectly manicured nails, face perfectly made up, and high-end, stylish clothing.

As they get comfortable and begin to share stories. they begin to talk the language of shame. It may come out in statements that assume blame for others's actions. Statements like: "It was my fault I was abused." "It was my fault that my Dad left when I was a baby." "It was my fault mom didn't help me." "It was my fault my mom suffered with depression." "It was my fault that my husband hit me." "It was my fault those hate-filled words were hurled at me." "It was my fault, I was raped." "It was my fault, my abuser went to jail." "If only I had been better, it might not have happened." "If only I had worn different clothes." "If only I hadn't gone to the store in the dark." "If only I hadn't burned his dinner." "It. Was. My. Fault." "If only I'd..."

Shame is also revealed in the words with which women describe themselves. Words many heard over and over as children, and some even into adulthood. Words they came to believe as a result of horrific trauma experienced at the hands of predators at the tender age their core beliefs about God, life, others, and themselves were being formed. Words they rarely speak aloud, yet, words they have assumed as their identity. Words that drive their actions, reactions, speech, their relationships, and their lack thereof. Words the Enemy continues to whisper until the day they walk into our groups. Words painful to hear, words painful to read, words painful to say aloud, and words painful to feel. Words that truly do not describe the beautiful women sitting across from our leaders--words like: unclean, dirty, defective, trashed, stupid, dumb, weak, slutty, unworthy, unlovable, unloved, cowardly, idiotic, confused, wrong, disgusting, failure, bad, nasty, horrible, ugly, overly dramatic, liar, victim, disappointment, weird, wrong, whore, freak, unneeded, unwanted, waste of space, undeserving, messed up, fat, mental, crazy, alone, humiliation, pathetic, repulsive, smelly, despicable, grotesque, bothersome, naughty, too broken, too needy, and not good enough. Words that they believe more strongly than they believe God's truth.

Even though the ladies come to our groups are believers, they struggle to trust Christ. It is not until they examine His trauma as the Sacrificial Lamb that they begin to trust Him more fully with their stories. As they begin to trust Him, they begin to examine what they believe about themselves in light of what God says in His Word. They come to understand they are fearfully and wonderfully made and the sin perpetrated is about the heart of the perpetrators, not them. They begin to grasp that in Christ they have been made clean, whole, and deserving. In Christ, they are made honorable, respectable, and reputable. In Christ they have gained the ability to be successful, relying on Him to guide them. They begin to understand that, to Christ, they are beloved, cherished, and adopted daughters. In Christ, they are empowered, victorious, courageous, and strong. They grasp that they have been reconciled, restored, and redeemed, and their healing begins as they rebuke lies and begin to live out of God's truth. They even begin to believe that because of Christ they are beautiful, virtuous, significant, and always desired. In Christ they are sane because the Holy Spirit has given them the mind of Christ and can silence the voice when they take their thoughts captive. As they take the truth of their stories and lay them at the feet of the traumatized Savior, they end group knowing they were heard, they were seen, and they were believed.

God has always loved and chosen broken women women--women whose stories were told in His Word--Stories like Sarah's, the two Tamar's, Rahab's, Abigail's, Ruth's, Bathsheba's, Esther's, the woman caught in adultery, and the Samaritan woman at the well. The woman who touched the hem of His garment, Mary and Martha, and Mary Magdalene, All women who felt like outsiders, who were mistreated, rejected, and who suffered loss. Women who didn't handle life well, sinning to try to get their needs met. Women who felt invisible, unheard, and unappreciated. Women who believed the same stinking lies we did! Women who, like us, were adopted into His family, given access to His heart through His Word, who have received a new heritage with the saints that have gone before us.

I encourage you to take a listen to Natalie Grant's song Clean on iTunes: http://smarturl.it/BeOne or on her Facebook page. It was written after a friend of hers had shared the story of her abuse. The words are so appropriate for each one of us:

"Washed in the blood of your sacrifice

 Your blood flowed red and 

 Made me white

 My dirty rags are purified 

 I AM CLEAN"

Now What?

This election year has been a grueling year. The biased media, the name calling, the slander, the lies, and the spinning of opponents's words has been divisive as well as frustrating as we try to discern what candidates can represent us best. I'm even afraid I've even unknowingly born false witness by sharing some posts on social media. I don't know who to trust anymore for accurate information about candidates and issues. There is so much conflicting info that I took the bait in the moment and passed on false information and, as a believer, that hurts my heart. Some of the stuff being written by believers is unbelievable. But, I know God knows and He is not a God of confusion and contradiction. His Word is consistent and sufficient. Sadly some of the behavior of people saying they are believers makes us look crazy to the very people God called us to love and to witness. There has also been Christians who used guilt, shame, fear, and intimidation to get people to vote for their candidates. This is a subtle form of spiritual abuse.

I realized yesterday the unease I've been feeling isn't new. It is fear--a fear that I first felt as a little girl living in Arizona when Barry Goldwater ran for president. I met him and thought he was nice and I was excited someone from Arizona was in the race. I told my my great aunt that I wish I could vote for him. She told me if he won we would go to war and my Dad would be drafted and killed. She triggered fear and shame in me that I didn't know how to express. So, learned to keep my mouth shut during election years.

Then when I got married a lot of churches were teaching out of Revelation and I was feeling uneasy. In addition, my in-laws happened to be legalistic and my father-in-law freely shared his opinions and his judgments. Just about every candidate was demonized by him or someone like him and the chief insult at the time was to label a candidate as the "anti-christ." I remember walking away from those conversations full of fear and dread and expecting a catastrophe to follow every election. Yet, the sun rose the next day and I went to work just like any other day and I didn't see horns growing out of the presidents's heads. I really doubt that this is what our founding fathers had in mind.

I have some very wise friends who do a lot of research on current events and laws and I have felt safe asking some of them questions. Some told me nicely who they were voting for and why. Some have simply conveyed all the options there are without revealing their candidate of choice to me. I knew these friends will value me both as a person and a believer regardless of how I voted. Today, I am mostly wondering how we as a nation begin to heal from all the craziness and hate-filled speech that has transpired in the name of elections.

Last night as I was praying several things came to mind. First, the church is still the church, no matter who wins. The church is a body of believers that knows no borders. The church is not, nor ever has it been the USA. I think some of the frustration I've felt is because I forget that and I begin to expect non-believers to think like I do and that is wrong. I have realized I was looking for a president like I would look for a pastor and maybe next time I will approach it differently. I have four years to pray about that.

Second, I desire my religious freedoms to be respected and protected. But if they aren't, that doesn't end my responsibility as God's ambassador. If persecution comes and religious freedoms are threatened, I don't want to cower in fear or be driven by bitter anger. I want to live godly just like Daniel did in Persia. Just like Joseph did in Egypt. Just like Esther in the king's court. Just like the Apostles did in the early church. And just like the cloud of witnesses found in Hebrews 11, who both lived and died by faith in God who is good both in life and in death.

I can't be like them if I respond to the world with ungodly tactics. 2 Chronicles 7:14 says, "If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land." Though that verse was written to Israel, not to the USA, I believe we, as a church, can apply it. God wants us, as a church, to be humble, to pray, to seek His face, and to turn away from sinful patterns. We don't have to think exactly alike to be unified around our mission. We can't carry out our mission if we hurl insults and hateful words at each other and those to whom we are called to go. We certainly can't expect a non-believing culture to respond to Christ unless we love like He loves and live in a way that draws the unsaved to Him.

I wonder what will happen if we responded to elections, no matter who wins, by putting on humility and confessing our sin both individually and corporately. What if our men  become known for their godly behavior in the church, in the work place, and in the home. What if their tongues show honor to their wives and other women and to those in power. What if our women become known for respecting their spouses and showing strength, modesty, and integrity in the workplace. What if those who are parents and grandparents raise children who walk with integrity, strength, humility, and passion about God and people? And what if every church acknowledged and confronted its own sin, and did its best to mend relationships harmed in the fallout of sin. What if we extend both grace and truth to those who are searching so hard for answers that really won't be found in any other than God?

Third, maybe we need to get more comfortable with the concept of loving enemies. We are all feeling like we've made a few enemies both in the church and outside the church during this election season. I used to think I was good at loving people--that is until September of 2011. I remember right after 9/11 watching the news and seeing people scream, "Death to America," while facing an enemy much more personal here at home. I was at our church when some of the conflict rose its ugly head and I stepped outside to just breathe. I looked up to the sky and cried out from the depth of my heart, "You say to love our enemies, Lord, and I really want to do that. I just don't know what love looks like in the face of hate! And it hurts so much to be hated! Please help!"

The Lord brought to mind Jesus, and how He wrestled with the Father's will in the Garden and how He determined to do His Father's will. And in that will He heard the words, "Crucify Him!" chanted in the same way I heard "Death to America." He faced false accusations repeatedly just as I had and then He laid down His life, was beaten, was humiliated, and was nailed to a cross with all of our shame and guilt placed upon Him...and the cry of His heart in the middle of it all, "Father, forgive them, they know not what they do." For me that became the first step in learning to love my enemies.

Loving may also require us to forgive believers who've bullied and insulted us in their zeal to get their candidate elected, which, to be honest, is hard for this survivor to do. It means we let go of our unreasonable expectations of non-believers and love them where they are at and treat them with the respect that any human created by God should be treated. It means putting on humility and honoring the leader God chooses for us today. It means praying for them and living above reproof and doing our best to be at peace with all men. Maybe if I, if we, do our part it will open doors for conversations the Holy Spirit might use to turn people's hearts towards the God who created them and loved them enough to die for them. We need to remember hatred will never bring about repentance. It is the goodness of God that does. I just want to make sure that His goodness is visible in and through me. Maybe, just maybe if it is, it will begin a movement back to church unity and the healing of the hatred that flowed through our land in the name of the election.

So, now what? Maybe it is as simple as keeping our eyes are on Jesus even in election years and maybe it is as simple as making sure our hearts are seeking His so our Words reflect His Words and our actions reflect His heart to a world in need of a Savior.

Now What?

This election year has been a grueling year. The biased media, the name calling, the slander, the lies, and the spinning of opponents's words has been divisive and frustrating as we try to discern what candidates represent us best. I'm even afraid I've unknowingly born false witness by sharing some posts on social media. I don't know who to trust anymore for accurate information. There is so much conflicting info that I am sure some lied and I took the bait in the moment and, as a believer, that hurts my heart. Some of the stuff being written by believers is unbelievable. Bit I know God knows and He is not a God of confusion and contradictions. His Word is consistent and sufficient. Sadly all of the junk out there makes us look crazy to the people to whom God called us to love and to witness. In addition there have been Christians who used guilt, shame, fear, and intimidation to get people to vote for their candidates. This is a subtle form of spiritual abuse.

I realized yesterday the unease I've been feeling isn't new. It is fear I am well acquainted with--a fear that I first felt as a little girl living in Arizona when Barry Goldwater ran for president. I saw him in person and thought he was nice and I was excited someone from Arizona was in the race. I happened to tell my my great aunt that I wish I could vote for him. She told me if he won we would go to war and my Dad would be drafted and killed. She triggered both fear and shame in me that I didn't know how to express. So I learned to keep my mouth shut during election years.

Then when I got married a lot of churches were teaching out of Revelation and I was feeling very uneasy. In addition, my in-laws happened to be very legalistic and my father-in-law very free with opinions and judgments. Many candidates were demonized by him or someone like him and the chief insult at the time was to label a candidate as the "anti-christ." I remember walking away from those conversations full of fear and dread and expecting a catastrophe to follow elections. Yet surprisingly the sun rose and I went to work the next day and no horns grew out of the presidents's heads. I doubt that this is what our founding fathers had in mind.

I want to say I have some very wise friends who do a lot of research on current events and laws and have felt safe asking some of them questions. Some told me nicely who they were voting for and why. Some have simply conveyed all the options there are without revealing their candidate of choice to me. I knew these friends will value me both as a person and a believer regardless of how I voted. Today, I am mostly wondering how we as a nation begin to heal from all the craziness and hate-filled speech that has transpired in the name of elections.

Last night as I was praying several things came to mind. First, the church is still going to be the church tomorrow, no matter who wins. The true church is a body of believers that knows no borders. The church is not, nor ever has it been the USA. I think some of the frustration I've felt is because I forget that and I begin to expect non-believers to think like I do. I don't have a right to expect that. I have also realized I was looking for a president like I would look for a godly pastor and maybe next time I will approach it differently. I have four years to pray about that.

Second, I desire my religious freedoms to be both respected and protected. But if they aren't that doesn't end my witness and my responsibility. If persecution comes and religious freedoms are threatened, I don't want to cower in fear or be driven by bitter anger. I want to live godly just like Daniel. Just like Joseph. Just like Esther. Just like the Apostles. And just like the cloud of witnesses found in Hebrews 11, who both lived and died by faith in God who is good both in life and in death.

I can't be like them if I respond to the world with ungodly tactics. 2 Chronicles 7:14 says, "If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land." Though that verse was written to Israel, not to the USA, I believe we, as a church, can apply it. God wants us, as a church, to be humble, to pray, to seek His face, and to turn away from sinful patterns. We don't have to think exactly alike to be unified around our mission. We can't carry out our mission if we hurl insults and hateful words at each other and those to whom we are called to go. We certainly can't expect a non-believing culture to respond to Christ unless we love like He loves and live in a way that draws people to Him.

I wonder what will happen if we respond to the election, no matter how it turns out, by putting on humility and confessing our sins both individually and corporately. What if our men  become known for their godly behavior in the church, in the work place, and in the home. What if their tongues show honor to their wives and other women in their lives. What if our women become known for respecting their spouses and showing strength, modesty, and integrity in the workplace. What if those who are parents and grandparents raise children who walk with integrity, strength, and passion about God and people? And what if every church acknowledged and confronted its own sin, and did its best to mend relationships harmed in the fallout of such sin. What if we extend both grace and truth to those who are really out there searching so hard for answers that really won't be found in any other than God?

Third, maybe we need to get more comfortable with the concept of loving enemies. We are all feeling like we've made a few enemies both in the church and definitely outside the church during this election season. I used to think I was good at loving people--that is until September of 2011. I remember right after 9/11 watching the news and seeing people scream, "Death to America," while facing an enemy much more personal here at home. I was at our church when some of the conflict rose its ugly head and I stepped outside to just breathe. I looked up to the sky and cried out from the depth of my heart, "You say to love our enemies, Lord, and I really want to do that. I just don't know what love looks like in the face of hatred! And it hurts so much to be hated! Please help me!"

The Lord brought to mind Jesus, and how He wrestled with the Father's will in the Garden and how HE determined to do His Father's will. And in that will He heard the words, "Crucify Him!" chanted in the same way I heard "Death to America." He faced false accusations repeatedly just as I had and then He laid down His life, was beaten, was humiliated, and was nailed to a cross with all of our shame and guilt placed upon Him...and the cry of His heart in the middle of it all, "Father, forgive them, they know not what they do." For me that became the first step in learning to love my enemies.

Loving enemies may also mean we forgive believers who've bullied and insulted us in their zeal to get their candidate elected, which, to be honest, is hard this survivor to do. It means we let go of our unreasonable expectations of non-believers and love them where they are at and treat them with the respect that any human created by God should be treated. It means putting on humility and honoring the leader God chooses for us today. It means praying for them and living above reproof and doing our best to be at peace with all men. Maybe if I, if we, do our part it will open doors for conversations the Holy Spirit might use to turn people's hearts towards the God who created them and loved them enough to die for them. We need to remember hatred will never bring about repentance. It is the goodness of God that does. I just want to make sure that His goodness is visible in and through me. Maybe, just maybe if it is, it will begin a movement back to church unity and the healing of the hatred that flowed in the name of the elections.

So, now what? Maybe it is as simple as keeping our eyes are on Jesus even in election years and maybe it is as simple as making sure our hearts are seeking His so our Words reflect His Words and our actions reflect His heart to a world in need of a Savior.