There is Grace in the Thorns

Thorns are rigid, hard extensions of leaves, roots, or buds with sharp stiff ends that offer a plant protection from herbivores. They are not pretty and they do not seem to have much use, except that they burn hot. Yet, God chose to write thorns into His redemption story. Thorns first appear in the Scriptures in Genesis 3 when God cursed the ground with them after Adam and Eve sinned. The thorns marred God's perfect creation, making it more difficult for man to grow and gather his food. From that time on, every field overgrown with thorns and thistles, every thorn covered bush we encounter on a hike, and every painful prick we receive when we trim our roses reminds us of both the pain we endure and the pain we cause through sin. 

After Genesis, thorns were mentioned several times. They became an intricate part of the revelation of God's grace, starting with Moses. Jesus described the burning bush from which God spoke to Moses as a burning thorn bush in Luke 20:37. In his article, The Splendor of Thorns, Jud Davis says, "The One who appeared in the Garden and pronounced the curse of thorns now reappears in the midst of the thorns, promising deliverance." 

God later instructed Israel to build the tabernacle out of Acacia wood, which is a small bushy tree covered with long thorns. He instructed Israel to cover it in gold. Maybe God chose to use an element that was a result from the Curse to build a dwelling place for His glorious fiery presence as a place He could meet with sinful men. Could it be that God was reminding mankind that He came to deliver us from the curse--the curse which included spiritual death? 

In the New Testament thorns appeared when Jesus, who was the promised Prophet, Messiah, and Savior all rolled into one, was about to be crucified. First, He was stripped and beaten and then with back bleeding and raw He was clothed in a robe and crowned with a crown made of thorns. The soldiers may have meant the crown to be an insult because they were placing the curse of the fall upon His brow. However, He who had the power to speak the world into place, the power to calm angry seas with a word, the power to drive out demons that held men captive, and had the power to silence His enemies with a single word chose, instead, to bear the thorns for you and for me. Those thorns on His brow--they remind us that the curse came because of our sin and our rebellion and remind us that He, the sinless One, was willing and qualified to bear the curse on our behalf. They remind us of the abundance of God's grace--a grace big enough to cover all of our sin. As Davis so eloquently put it in his article, "Adam comes naked to a live tree and spiritually murders the entire race by a single act of disobedience. Jesus comes to a dead tree and allows Himself to be stripped naked. Then, in the ultimate act of obedience--His very death after a lifetime of full and total obedience to God--He makes alive all those who would ever by God's grace repent of their sins and trust in Him alone for salvation."

I find it interesting that God also used thorns as analogies. He used them to warn Israel as they entered the Promised Land that if they did not drive out the inhabitants of the land, those remaining would become like barbs in their eyes and thorns in their sides. Even after Jesus died, rose again, and descended into heaven, Paul used thorns as an analogy in 2 Corinthians 12:7, "So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited." I've heard a few sermons on this passage and most say that Paul did not specifically say what the thorn was so we could all relate to what it is. Some claim it was a physical ailment, some claim it was reminders of His past, and some say that it was perhaps a fleshly weakness he had to continuously battle in the process of sanctification. I don't think it matters, except to understand that the thorn served to birth humility in the Apostle Paul who was shown glorious visions no man had seen before. 

I believe thorns can be all sorts of things. I also believe each thorn will serve a purpose driven by God's grace. Thorns can be addictions we battle daily that cause us to depend totally on God to grow in holiness. They can be besetting sins that trip us up--those sins that became ingrained before we knew Jesus that are sometimes still driven by overwhelming urges, especially when we are tired or stressed and long most to be who Christ created us to be. The grace of these kinds of thorns drive us to a moment by moment walk with the One who can give us victory over them. Thorns may also be illnesses that cause pain, leaving us depleted, aching, and a bit homesick for heaven, graciously allowing us to maintain a heavenly perspective others don't have. They may also be lies spoken to us by others or whispered into our minds by the Enemy that somehow became core beliefs ingrained and seared into our brains. These can be lies about God's goodness and His love. They can also be lies about us--lies that tell us we are unlovable, irredeemable, inadequate, and unclean. The grace in these thorns drive us to the truth of who we are as sinful children redeemed by grace and made clean by our God who has an unfathomable passion to save. The grace in these is that as lies are uncovered, the daily choice to choose God's truth breaks the power of the lies and changes the belief system one decision at a time. 

Thorns can also be painful, dysfunctional relationships. We have all had a few of those. There were times in my youth I was thoughtless and difficult and a thorn in the sides of others. I hope to this day God healed people who were hurt by my choices, my words, my reactions, and my sin. I believe there are also times when we try our best to be loving and kind and are still a person who is a trigger or a thorn to someone. In those cases it may be our personality, our character, our faith, or our experiences that causes someone to experience emotional pain by simply knowing us. It is hard to be in those situations, but it helps to remember that ultimately the pain they experience is due to past trauma, broken relationships, or because it brings to the surface negative beliefs and insecurities. 

I know I personally was an unwilling thorn in some of my relationships to people I cared deeply about. It was as if just my presence could hurt them. In one relationship, it was my faith that drove the person away. In another, it was the fact that I had five children and the other couldn't conceive. It hurt my heart that the prick of the thorn was felt every time she saw me with my children and she was left to continue reconciling God's sovereignty and her desire to have children. Another friend who had lost three babies actually shared with me that seeing me with my last baby was like a thorn in her side. I hated that her just seeing me with my baby hurt her, but thankfully she recognized the thorn as a sign she needed to continue processing her grief, allowing us to remain friends until she passed away. For another, it was my spiritual gifts that drove a wedge in a relationship by triggering insecurities in a very gifted person. Ironically, when I chose to enter recovery for an eating disorder, it was my healing that at first became a thorn in my sweet husband's side. As I got healthier, our relationship was thrown off balance and my husband had to reconnect with a wife who now used her voice, a wife who could think for herself, and a wife who expressed opinions of her own, which challenged his distorted view of the oneness to which God called us.  

At times I hated the feeling of unintentionally being a thorn in others' sides. At one point, I wrestled long and hard with God over that concept, grieving the discomfort and brokenness experienced. I didn't want to be the source of pain and just wanted God to surround me with people who would love me for me and let us all enjoy warm fuzzy feelings of relationships as I imagined them to be. Over time I accepted that being an unintentional thorn in another's side is a part of the iron sharpening iron sanctification process that God uses to grow His character in us. Maybe He intentionally brings certain people together who sharpen each other--and yes sharpening and pricking are painful, but they are both directed and carried out by a God whose love knows no end. 

In the middle of processing these things called thorns with friends, I realized God used those relationships, over which I wrestled, to plop me in the middle of a ministry in which I, and those who serve with me, have to be willing to be thorns in the sides of women, many of whom are struggling and/or who have been victimized. As much as they want to get healthy when pain is triggered or fear rises, we find ourselves having to firmly resist their persistent attempts to draw us into the unhealthy, ungodly, and self-defeating systems of denial and dysfunction formed in response to past trauma and pain. But, it is necessary for us to be willing to be thorns that will prick them to help them move out of denial and self-protection so God can heal their pain and they can fulfill the calling of God on their lives to love both God and others well. 

I also realized our ministry itself is a bit of a thorn in our church's side. Every year when we advertise groups, at least a third of our women are reminded of pain they are stuffing and the stories they are denying. Some are reminded of the shame they hide that was inflicted on them through abuse or shame that was self-induced by hiding sinful or self-deprecating behaviors they use to numb. We are a thorn in the sides of people who sit in church satisfied with surface relationships and mask wearing, because we get real and women walk out never willing to wear masks again, refusing to deny their stories, or be content with fake relationships. We are a thorn to those who have mistreated, abused, or contributed to the abuse of victims because we remind them they inflicted pain on others. We are probably even a thorn to our leadership who are reminded that at least one third of our women in our church have been victimized and that how they act, speak, and react to wounded women, whom they most likely will not even be able to identify, will either cause secondary wounding or promote healing. 

I’m so thankful my church is willing to let us enter messy lives of women in ways that facilitate healing for them and their families. There have been a few hard conversations along the way, but they were conversations that bore fruit. I’m thankful one of the pastors even called to discuss a sermon he was going to preach and wanted to be sensitive to the women we serve and build them up.  

As I am writing this it has occurred to me that just as the physical thorns were woven into the redemption story, the thorns of analogy have been intricately woven into the process of sanctification. While the grace of the physical reminded us of both the curse and the Saviors' willingness to bear it for us, the grace of the analogy is that it reminds us of the need of a moment by moment walk with Jesus that results in sanctification. When God calls us to be thorns, we must remember His grace and be willing to do what He asks whether it be speaking the truth in love, exhorting, comforting, encouraging, or simply forgiving. Though there may be times God calls us to walk away from painful relationships, there will be more times He wants us to stay so sin is exposed and confessed, lies are surfaced and replaced with truth, and pride is dissolved into humility that allows His glory to be reflected through us. That is the grace that is in the thorns. 

https://answersingenesis.org/biology/plants/the-splendor-of-thorns/

From His Vantage Point

About two months ago, our grandsons joined a water polo club and we were able to go to one of their tournaments this weekend. I had heard of the sport, but never watched a game. The boys told me how much they enjoy it, so I was excited to observe them play with their team and observe how the coach works with them. It would be fair to say their coach is very verbal and I was curious as to how my grandsons handle that, so I watched her interact with the teams before, during, and after the game. She was very tough on them, not only paying attention to how they played, but how they interacted with each other, how they interacted with their parents, what they ate and drank, and their application or lack of application of sunscreen. It was obvious the team and the parents have a great amount of respect for her and want to learn from her. It was also obvious that character-building was as important to her as the game and she wanted the team to win because they played hard and applied the skills she taught, not because they played mean and dirty.  

There were three games each day. The first day the younger team played and they had a rough start. During the first quarter of the first game they didn't play as a unit, hindering their ability to play offense, defense, and transition between the two. The coach observes and instructs from the deck where she can see both her team and the opposing team. She has a voice that carries and is not afraid to use it to direct, to correct, to encourage, and to applaud her team. During the first quarter, she reminded the team to play the positions she had assigned repeatedly and reminded them to transition between offensive and defensive stances. She also reminded them to play as a team to get past the opposing team to score. A few times she even had to coach the parents and the grandparents because in our ignorance we yelled instructions that were either contrary to hers or illegal in the game. When the team listened and did what she instructed, they did amazing and became this well-oiled machine that could guard the goal and work past their opponents and score. When they lost focus, they became confused as to where to position themselves and she would regroup them. I also noticed that when the team communicated with each other, she said less and would sit back and watch them play. 

The students had to exercise trust in the coach. They had to choose to believe she had their best interest at heart before, during and after the game. She cares about them as individuals as well as the team as a whole. They also had to choose to trust that from her vantage point the coach could observe both their weaknesses and strengths as well as their opponents’, and that she had the wisdom to know what position they would be best for on that particular team. At times, she adjusted the positions because of what she observed, what she believed the team needed, and sometimes to stretch a player and show him or her what they were capable of doing. 

It was obvious she didn't tolerate laziness, pride that causes someone to try to be a ball hog, or negative self-talk that allows someone's fear to hold them back from trying. She may have been on them hard, but she was also their loudest cheerleader and noticed every effort they put into the game, every improvement they made, and when they stepped out of their comfort zone and played harder than before. She had to remind both the team and the parents that water polo was a contact sport and that it was not a sport for the fainthearted. Believe me, the Gorilla Mama rose up fast within me when I saw the opponents drag our grandsons under water to stop a play. By the end of the weekend I realized they were actually learning some valuable life skills from her. 

As I observed I could not help but compare what I saw to the Christian life. Contrary to what some of us were taught, Christ warned His disciples that the Christian life is not an easy life. He warned that there would be tribulation in this life and that can come in the form of circumstances, health issues, difficult relationships, people who get in the way of what God is trying to do in and through us, and the consequences we reap for the sinful choices we make. He also warned us that there is a very real adversary who is prowling around like a roaring lion, seeking whomever he can devour. He also told his disciples not to be surprised when they are hated, because He was hated first.

Just like water polo has rules that keep the players safe, God has given His people the Word to instruct us and teach us to live this life. Just as the coach called out instructions to help them apply the rules of the Game, the Holy Spirit brings to mind what we have been taught through the Word. He also fills us with wisdom that is specific to particular situations that helps us walk in victory as we navigate life. 

Just like the coach knows her players with their strengths and weaknesses and assigns them positions to play, God knows His children and gifts them with abilities as He sees fit. Just as a team is made up of many individual members, so is the church. Just as each player has certain skills that help the team, the Spirit has empowered each of us for specific things that build up the church to carry out His will. Just as a little guy who faithfully guards his opponent, rendering him ineffective is just as important as a goalie blocking a shot or a teammate scoring a goal, each person fulfilling their God-given role is as important as the pastor teaching from the pulpit, the evangelist leading thousands to the Lord in a city-wide campaign, the worship leader leading us in song, or the elders who run the church. Some of us are gifted to serve, some to teach, some to exhort, some to give, some to display faith, some to lead, some to encourage, some to demonstrate acts of mercy, some to preach, and some to disciple. Just like it would not make sense to have a water polo team comprised of just goalies, or just offensive players, or just defensive players, it doesn't make sense to have a church that is a one man show where the pastor does everything. It doesn't make sense to have a church comprised only of teachers, only of evangelists, only of worship leaders, or only of those who do acts of service. Nor does it make sense to box people in to all serve exactly alike. So often we simply fill positions by what we think we need, not considering the gifting, calling, or experiences of the people attending. The day I realized I needed to say no to filling in as a teacher in a children's Sunday school class was when I realized one of my sons grasped and hung on every word taught to him by his gifted Sunday school teacher. I became comfortable that I was gifted for discipleship that occurs through relationship, through conversation, and through teaching. I also began to embrace the calling to write for those who God is leading to process and think at a deeper level. 

It was both humbling and freeing to understand God gifts people to fulfill particular roles. It prevents one-man shows and places people in positions where they can bear much fruit.  God has used people with the gift of giving, who saw needs we never spoke and met them, using the resources God gave them to fulfill our needs in sweet and humble ways. He used people who have the gift of mercy to come along side of me when I needed it in ways that alleviated shame and got me back on track. He has used people with teaching gifts to help me understand His Word in ways that changed my mind, heart, and life. I have had the thrill of observing teachers who could turn a room full of rambunctious eight-year-old boys into followers of Christ. I've seen youth workers who could love difficult wayward junior high students and guide them to Christ who could give them a sense of identity and worth that changed the course of their lives. I have seen workers hear ugly confessions of high school students who lived with one foot in the church and one foot in the world and help them overcome shame that plagued them and help them choose to make choices that helped them fully plant both feet in the middle of God's story. I serve with a group of ladies who can hear shameful stories of victimization and instill hope where there once was none. I have seen those who could serve love-starved hearts of needy people and help them connect to the One who can love them well. I have seen those God has healed walk with those who are struggling with the same hard questions that once kept them from fully trusting God, giving them a safe place to question until they can let go and fully trust the One who can heal. I have seen those with prophetic gifts challenge churches content with the status quo, seeped in pride, or failing to engage in the messy lives to which Jesus calls us. Every person who is a believer is a valuable part of a team called the Church and every person fulfills a specific role for which God has gifted Him. 

Oh, that we would learn to trust the truth that God, from His vantage point, is like that coach who cares so much for her team. He knows our weaknesses and our strengths and He knows the opponent who wants so badly to stop us. He has gifted us and can show us how to use those gifts to fulfill our God-given role in the church. His Word--it will correct us, it will exhort us, it will encourage us, and it will even heal us if we read it. His Spirit--He will empower us, He will fill us with wisdom for the battles we fight in this life, and He will comfort us in our sorrow. Oh, that we would be people who believe that we can trust a God whose character is love and who has a vantage point bigger than our minds can comprehend. 

Living in the Ampersand

Several years ago, I was involved in a ministry that asked me to write for them. At the time, the ministry had a gal in it who had a communications background. She and I sat down and went over some things I wrote and she pointed out some things I did. For example, when I started a note of appreciation with something like, I just want to tell you..., it sounded like I wanted to tell someone something, but may or may not tell them. I also used words like that, just, and really repetitively. In addition, I often softened my opinions and thoughts with the words, I feel...., when in actuality what I was saying wasn't a feeling at all. It was a thought or an opinion I was afraid to own. 

After I entered counseling, I realized I used words in ways that influenced my feelings and belied the fact that I had personal power and could make personal choices that would help me develop a happier state of mind. Some of the words I used often were, I have to, I can't...., or I must. I learned to reframe those kinds of phrases with phrases that expressed the choices I did have and found I felt more powerful and less stressed. I realized I could fully own the decisions I made and I felt more content with them. So, over time, I must became I desire to or I want to. I can't became I won't. I have to became my goal (desire) is to. 

A couple of years ago, a sweet friend of mine gave me an ampersand that sits on my desk where I can see it. The ampersand has special meaning in the counseling world and recently I realized it has become quite a popular cultural symbol. Some people get tattoos of it and others buy one and use it as a decoration. Right now they come in all sorts of colors and mediums--wood, plastic, clay, and metal.

Over the last few weeks I've been contemplating how the ampersand has impacted my life. As a child, I developed a Black-and-White way of thinking, which impacted just about every area of my life. It impacted my relationship with God, but I was too full of shame over the questions and confusion that arose out of that thinking to discuss them with others. You know, the questions that roll around in the mind about God and His goodness, His power, and His will in the face of great suffering. The Black-and-White Thinking also carried over into my relationships with others. People were either all good or all bad. They could be good for a while and then become bad when they hurt me. That thinking also carried over into how I viewed myself and my recovery from an eating disorder. One slip with an eating disordered behavior and I was a total loser, failure, defective person--even though I had made it through weeks without using an unhealthy behavior. It carried over into how I viewed life. Life was either really good when it was easy or it was really bad when I was going through something hard.  

In recovery, I began to realize things really aren't so Black and White! By that I don't mean I don't view sin as sin, I mean that I don't view things as all good or all bad. The word that I first began to use in my head was, "But." It came in the form of things like "My friend is suffering, but God is still good." "My husband hurt my feelings, but I find I still love him." "I ate a cookie and feel like a failure, but I am still a child of God." "This trial is really tough, but I hope to grow through it." I realized for me the word "but" is a bit of an expression of resistance and a little bit of protest and left me feeling unsettled. That may not be true for everyone but it was for me. 

It was okay for a season, but I wasn't content to live in the “buts.” I wanted more. To get the more I often had to journal and talk about the “buts.” The first time I did it I wanted desperately to forgive an abuser. I started out writing:

I forgive_________for__________, but they hurt me. I simply repeated the exercise over and over until I had run out of buts! I hate to admit it, but it was quite a long list! In that exercise I went from wishing I could forgive to being able to say "The abuser hurt me, but I forgave him." 

That was okay at the time, but to be honest it still didn't feel finished. It felt I was forgiving because I had to, but reserving the right to protest a little that it happened. It felt like I was forgiving, because I wanted to minimize the impact that it had on me. It also felt like I was forgiving, because I wanted others to think I was okay. As I am writing now, I glanced at the ampersand on my desk and I find myself smiling because I realize over time the something more I wanted was found in the "and!". When I say my abuser hurt me and I forgave him I feel this sense of peace wash over me. The "and" means to me that two things are equally true. The "and" doesn't minimize either truth and for some reason, for me, the "and" doesn't minimize the feelings on either side of it. The "and" is like a picket fence that allows me to see the past and not be controlled by it!!!

The "and" has helped me view God, the gospel, and redemption more accurately. Jesus is all powerful and Jesus is meek. Jesus is the Lion of Judah and Jesus is the Lamb of God. Jesus is merciful and Jesus is just. Jesus is God and spoke the universe into being and Jesus became a man rubbing shoulders with His creation. Jesus spoke and His words pricked stubborn hearts, calmed turbulent seas, cast out demons, healed broken bodies, forgave sin, caused soldiers to fall back and Jesus remained silent in the face of illegal trials to lay down His life for us. 

The center stage of the gospel is at the cross. It was the place where His holiness shone the brightest and it was a place where man's sin was its ugliest. It was the place where man's hatred screamed loudest and it was the place where God's love was most fully demonstrated. It was the place where sin in all of its ugliness was imputed to Jesus and it was the place where His goodness in all of its beauty was imputed to us. It was the place that resulted in death and it was a place that resulted in eternal life. Jesus was God and Jesus was man. Jesus died and Jesus was raised. 

Ah! Those "ands"--they even trickle down to me. I am a sinner and I am saved by grace through faith. I was an enemy of God and I am now His child seated at His table. I was in bondage to sin and I am now a bond servant to the living God. I was wounded and I am continuously being healed by the Wounded Healer. 

The ampersand--it seemed to remove the shame I experienced over being human and the shame I felt for being in the throes of living a redemption story that in the beginning was characterized by sin, woundedness, and fear. It seemed to relieve the shame I bore for living with both the flesh that craves to do wrong and the spirit that desperately wants to live victoriously close to God. It also relieved the shame of having believed I was too much, not enough, and unworthy of being loved and being captured by His love that ran deeper than the deepest wounds in my heart. I still believe the "but" was an important step of my journey, but I like living in the ampersand where two seemingly conflicting truths can co-exist and can open my heart more fully so I can trust God who is bigger and more complex than my mind can grasp and who loves with a love so deep my heart will never be able to fully comprehend it in this life I am living. 

Was That Fun?

When our kids were young, we decided to treat them to a day at Disney Land. Our youngest child was four, but so tall he could get on any ride the older children could. As we entered the gates of the park, the older children led us to Space Mountain because their friends had said it was the best ride there. So we got on and all of a sudden me and the littlest were hurling through the dark space on a crazy roller coaster. The little guy suddenly seemed so tiny and I held him tight, fearing he could fly out of the car, all the while wondering what had possessed me to traumatize him. He didn't whimper or cry. He just pressed his little body harder and harder into my side. As soon as we stepped out of the car, the other kids came running up, excitedly declaring how fun the ride was. I looked down at the littlest's sweet face and he looked back at me with eyes wide open and asked, "Was was that fun?" The other kids of course responded that it was and as I glanced up another mom locked my eyes and we shared a knowing look of sympathy for the little who wasn't sure he would define that experience as fun. He asked repeatedly through the day if rides were going to be fun?"

It reminded me of the early years of my marriage when I was having our babies. For about 8 years, it was not uncommon for me to be awakened by a child to either nurse or who needed comfort following nightmares. This was many years ago and at the time, there wasn't much on TV after midnight. So, I watched a Christian station. I was just learning to study the Bible and I wasn't super grounded in the Scriptures yet. There were some pastors on the station that taught that if life was hard, all one needed to do was come to Jesus and life would be happy and problem free.

Well, I had Jesus, but those years were really tough years. I loved being a mom, but I went through really difficult things during those years. My parents divorced and no one told me about it until my dad called to tell me he had remarried. We had a furnace that blew and just about burned down our home. Then I awoke one night with a strange man standing over me during a pregnancy, surfacing old traumas and PTSD. Next we purchased a home with a certain kind of loan and the government froze the funding for those loans and we sat in limbo, waiting to see if we would be allowed to continue living in the home. On top of that, the lack of sleep because of the break resulted in a postpartum depression that darkened my life and my thoughts and deepened the loneliness I experienced as a grad student's wife. And then there was the add the normal kids fighting, the stress of baby sitting additional children to help make ends meet, extended family dysfunction, and broken relationships I grieved. All the while I had a past  crying out to be healed, but I didn't have the resources for the help I needed.

However, the worst thing about it all wasn't the things I went through, but the feeling of failure and the toxic shame that dug its roots down deep into my soul because I wasn't feeling happy as a believer. I experienced happy moments, but I was struggling to keep my head above water and feeling overwhelmed by dark thoughts and feelings I didn't understand.

I found myself asking the question our son asked--Is this fun? When I reached the end of my proverbial rope, I found the courage to talk to our pastor and there was several things he and God did that were helpful. First, he cleared up my misconceptions about the Christian life. He did this through his teachings and he did this through a crash course on the Bible verses dealing with suffering, making sure I understood the things and feelings I was experiencing were simply apart of life; not a reflection on me, my salvation, or a reflection of what God thought of me.

And God, He provided a spiritual mom, spiritual sisters, and such sweet Christian friends that loved, supported me, and cared about the things I was going through. Sadly, the shame had caused me to hide what I was experiencing and at first no one knew what I needed. But once they knew, they helped in many ways. Friends came by often. They either brought food or came and cooked dinner for my family as I caught up on chores. Friends came and read to my children so I could fold the mountain of laundry that accumulated over the week. Friends kept me company as my husband studied. Friends loved on my babies so I could rest, breathe, and just laugh. My spiritual mom called me every morning before she went to work, listening, advising, encouraging, and evoking at least one belly laugh before she'd hang up. There were other ladies whose kids were older who visited both by phone and in person, helping me learn to be a better mom and to trust God in the hard. And there were peers who threw pot lucks and discussed Scriptures and those conversations helped me fall in love with the Savior.

On top of that someone told me about a ministry called Bible Believer Cassette Ministry and I listened to all sorts of great teachers as I washed dishes including, Jill Briscoe, Elizabeth Elliot, James Dobson, Charles Stanley, and Chuck Swindoll, As I write this I can still hear Jill's voice echoing in my head like it was yesterday.

I think sometimes even us strong believers take verses out of context and slap hurting people with them. I think of one woman who shared her fear of facing her second round of cancer and chemo, being told she was sinning as they quoted the first part of Philippians 4:6, "Do not be anxious for anything..." As someone who has struggled with anxiety, I know it is sometimes hard to settle the mind and go to prayer and I wonder why the person didn't acknowledge the fear being confessed with grace and and offer in the moment to go to prayer with her. I also wonder why she didn't do as my friends in Mississippi did and check on her repeatedly as she walked that life-and-death journey.

I remember being told in a conversation over a broken relationship that the tears I was shedding were proof I wasn't as close to God as she was. I was shamed at the time, but now I know those tears were a sign of God's heart actively working in me. He is a God grieved by children struggling to love well.

There are those who have dealt with miscarriages, infertility, infidelity, and kids with heart defects and cancer who have been told to just trust God more, when what they needed was someone to cry with them in their grief and to walk with them in their long season of suffering. There are those who have been told their child isn't healed because their faith wasn't strong enough. Maybe what they needed instead of judgment was someone to pray with them for the endurance, the courage, and the hope that needed to get through the next day, the next week, the next year, or even the next decade.

I have come to believe God wants His people to not just do acts of service, but to emotionally connect. That means we have to be willing to feel and to love as He loves, which includes weeping with those who weep, and rejoicing with those who rejoice! That means being willing to emotionally enter the mire of others' lives, sharing in their suffering. It means letting them empty their minds of the questions, dark thoughts, and doubts so that God can renew their strength and we can earn the right to gently remind them of what is true, honorable, just, pure, and lovely.

Suffering with Jesus is always redemptive, especially when we don't shame those who are suffering. Suffering allows us to know Him. The Bible tells us there are crowns given for remaining steadfast in trials and I know if I earned crowns it was with the help of friends and I want to do that for others so we can all lay our crowns at the feet of Jesus!

Paul talked about the importance of suffering in Romans 5:3-5, "...but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." We want to be sure our responses to others suffering do not add additional suffering or get in the way of God producing His endurance, His character, and His hope through their suffering.

I recently had a conversation with a friend from a former church who had gone through a year of severe suffering. He told me that he never felt so close or so blessed by God in his whole life. He and his family were loved well through the long year, making it possible for God to complete His work in that season of His life. What a testimony he, his lovely wife, his children, and his grandchildren are to the faithfulness of a great big God who did His loving work in our friends' time of suffering suffering.

"Was that fun?" Maybe that isn't the best question for us Christians to be asking. A better one might be, "Is there joy in the journey?" Joy comes from knowing Him and from the fellowship of suffering as He suffered.

Godly Passion

This last year of politics left me feeling a host of unpleasant emotions. Some were caused by the fake news presented as truth and the frustration of trying to discern what was real and what wasn't. Some of the emotions were due to the polarization of the political parties, which in itself could be an awesome system of checks and balances if people listened to one another and wanted what is best for all. Some of them were due to the manipulation tactics used by people to sway voters. Many believed the loudest voice, the crudest words, the most hateful labels, and the most unrelenting gas lighting techniques could create enough fear, obligation, and guilt to sway people to vote for their candidate--qualified or not. Some of it was due to the demonizing of the main players in the political arena. If you believe one side, you believe President Trump is a demon possessed man incapable of doing any good and if you believe the other side, you believe both Obama and Hillary were Satan's cohorts doing his bidding. But when we take off the blinders of misplaced passion we see they are humans who each have both weaknesses and strengths. They are people who have accomplished some good and who have made some serious mistakes and made some poor, sinful choices, just like you and just like me.

Now that the election is over and the new president has taken office, I've been trying to decide how to respond in a godly way to the government we have in place. To be honest, as a survivor, Trump's moral character and objectification of women grieved my heart as did the nation's and the churches varied responses to it. As much as I was bothered by the information that came out during the elections on both sides I realize President Trump is not the worst of the worst and neither was Obama and Hillary. Just think about Pharaoh--he was known for his enslavement and mistreatment of the Jewish nation and the murder of innocent babes. Nebuchadnezzar--he took captive many of Israel's finest young men and attempted to turn their hearts from their God and their homes and to use them for his own purposes. Herod--he was an infamous murderer who ordered the killing of all male children under the age of two in an attempt to thwart the life of Christ, the promised Messiah. Then there was Nero who was known for slaughtering Christians in an attempt to thwart the spread of Christianity and the worship of the King of kings. And then there was Hitler--he attempted to destroy the Jews, encamping, starving, experimenting on, and the mass murdering of Jews and those who gave them refuge.

Because Christ's Kingdom, the church, is not a visible kingdom, I know this world and even this country, as much as I love it, is not my true home. My loyalty and my deepest affections are to lie with Christ and His heavenly Kingdom. In fact, all the hate and the accusations being spewed back and forth have made me long for His return and made me a bit homesick for Home. In a perfect world, we would live in a Theocracy under the rule of a perfect, benevolent King. But that is not the case right now. But, as long as I have breath I am Christ's ambassador, representing Him as I navigate this life in this world. My allegiance, like any other ambassador, lies with the King and the living out of His word as I represent Him here in this world.

To do this and to remain in joy, I realized I need to change my expectations. President Trump isn't the Savior and if I expect him and the ruling party to fully embrace Christian thinking and Christian values, I will live in a constant state of disappointment and dissatisfaction. And I have been afraid that people demanding ruling parties do so don't realize there is danger in demanding that. I was relieved that John Piper expressed that danger, "The linking of the Christian church with the ruling political regimes has more often proven to corrupt the essential spirit of Christ." I think he is right on.

So the question, I wrestle with is, "How do I passionately live this life of ambassadorship?

First, I need to keep in mind my heavenly citizenship and the King I represent. Because of this, I can follow what He has laid out in His word. He has promised that any suffering and discomfort in this present time including suffering under worldly leadership is minute compared to the glory I will experience when I go home. For now I just want to represent Him well and if suffering is a part of that, I want to suffer well so that my life would continue to draw people to Him.

Second, I can pray for the government, asking the Holy Spirit to reveal to officials what righteousness truly looks like and convict them of sin and wrong doing and their need for a Savior. I can pray that God would cause them to be sensitive to His leading and that He would fill them with humility, patience, and godly wisdom. At the same time, I can hold on to the truth of God's Word and remember God's providence has always ruled and continues to rule over the ungodly kings of this earth. He has and still can use even the most rebellious rulers to fulfill His purposes. He sets them up, He takes them down, and He turns them around. Their hearts are like flowing waters in His hands. I can rest in the fact that God is always good and that ungodly leaders who believe they are in control cannot ever negate His goodness and His sovereignty.

Third, regardless of the person(s) in office, I can demonstrate godly respect towards the positions they bear and obedience to Christ at the same time. I can maintain values consistent with my faith just as Joseph did when He was sold into slavery by his brothers. I can remain faithful to God, always keeping in mind that my identity is in Christ and humbly and assertively relate to those over me just as Daniel, Shadrach, Meshack, and Abednego did while living captive in Persia.

Fourth, I can choose to remember my true calling is to worship God and to love others well no matter what is going on around me. I can pray and look for opportunities to serve, support, and witness to people from every economic class, every ethnic people group, and every educational background because I know with out a doubt that it is God's will that His church be a beautiful blend of diverse people united by a common faith in an awe inspiring God. It is His desire we love each other well and keep ourselves unstained by the corruption is in this world. I can choose to walk in the joy that comes from knowing Him and having the greatest message to share.

Fifth, though President Trump's character leaves something to be desired, I refuse to worry and to complain about every nuance of His presidency. I refuse to look at him as either all good or all bad. I refuse to buy into the lie that I am powerless over the next 4-8 years because I find both love and prayer to be empowering. I refuse to buy into the passion turned hate of so many that tends to drain the soul of energy. I prefer to have His passion--the life-giving passion that drove Christ to sacrifice His life for me--be the passion that fills and energizes the soul. I prefer to have His passion driving me to my knees, driving me to share the gospel, driving me to love well, and driving me to to serve the wounded women God brings our way so that their stories can be redeemed and they can walk in godly passion, loving well, experiencing unexplainable, uncontainable, and unimaginable joy that comes from trusting in a merciful, gracious God.

The Art of Loving Well

As I reflected last week on learning to love well, it reminded me that the art of learning to love well can only be learned in the context of relationships. Ironically, as much as I want loving relationships they are difficult to navigate because they are like the process of iron sharpening iron and when iron sharpens iron sparks fly! Because relationships are designed to refine, rubbing shoulders with others has a way of exposing ungodly things like selfishness, weaknesses, overactive defense mechanisms, and a bunch of other stuff I will simply clump together and call the messy parts of relationships.

In my relationships I've experienced love by being the recipient of others' kind actions, acts of service, or the graces extended me in the reality of my failure to love well. I also experienced love through words--sometimes in the words, "I love you," sometimes words of affirmation for a job well done or for a character trait others observed and appreciated, and sometimes in simple sweet encouraging words that were balm to my soul when it was aching. I tried to emulate those things.

But, I also loved in some ways I learned were not healthy. I mistakenly thought love and grace meant overlooking bad behavior, but it was enabling others to continue to behave in ways that were destructive to the relationships we had. I also mistakenly thought it was loving to rescue others from the consequences of their choices because it prevented them pain. But, I learned they needed that pain to understand the need for change. Just like I am having to teach my new puppy his love bites aren't the best way to show this human some love. I had to learn godly love requires I not overlook bad behavior or rescue. Love includes gentle, direct confrontation and the speaking of truth in love. I am learning the best love I can give is truth and staying out of God's way so people experience consequences of their choices and His love through discipline. It sometimes hurts to observe, but ultimately God is infinitely wiser than me and He knows what each of us needs to motivate growth so we experience His love and develop the desire to embrace His life of loving others.

At one point in my life I believed I would someday obtain a level of spirituality and loving well would become so natural. I believed I would no longer be triggered or be tempted to act out of my sinful flesh. But, I still struggle daily with temptation to protect my heart through harsh words that can flow from anger and judgement. I am sometimes still tempted to hurt those who hurt me through slander or by blasting them with toxic, loud, and critical words aimed like arrows at their sweet hearts. Sometimes I am also tempted to withdraw in stony silence exhibiting aggression in a more passive-aggressive way.  I am not proud of these things, just owning the reality of them. The more I get to know others, the more I realize this isn't just a Wendy issue, it is a human one. It is just that some openly admit the struggle and others don't. But the truth is we are all just one step, one moment away from committing sin that wounds, and we are all just one step, one moment away from loving well in a way that builds others up. It is a moment by moment walk and it will never be done this side of heaven.

Several years ago I learned the skill of self reflection, which is way different than the self absorption I had struggled with in the past. Through reflection I learned to recognize the weaknesses of my temperament, the defense mechanisms I tend to favor, and the sinful tendencies that flow from my flesh. This has driven me to continually search for God's wisdom in how to overcome these fleshly patterns so I can love well. I have seen that the closer I walk with God, the more I experience His love and see it being poured on others through me. His love helps me bridle my tongue and use it for good. It motivates me to carry out actions that are loving and kind rather than selfish and self serving. His grace motivates me to forgive and to extend His grace to others.

There are so many treasures of wisdom in the word that teach me to love well, but for them to impact me I have to think on them continually and practice them over and over until they become natural to me. Other wise His Word becomes just go in and out of my brain and don't take root in my heart where they can produce godly fruit in my life.

As I shared in my last post loving well begins with accepting the truth that God's love is the source of all godly love. Loving others well requires I sit in His love so it can empower me to love like Him. Ephesians 4 is a powerful, practical chapter about loving. Paul even began the the chapter urging the Ephesians to walk worthy of  of their calling, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, and forbearance--all of which are fruits of the Spirit! These are produced in me as I spend time with God, choosing to walk in obedience by faith.

It is so easy for me to get caught up in the "If he (or she) does this then I will show them love." or "If he (or she) quits doing that I will show them love." I may not have ever said those exact words, but anyone observing me closely would have been able to see the reality of them guiding my life. I remind myself often of my personal responsibility as a child of God to love well. It is never contingent on others' actions or attitudes. It is only contingent on my being loved well by God.

Because there is an active enemy and because I have a sinful flesh I daily must put to death, the relationships and the unity I desire in them takes work. I have to continually grow so I am not tossed to and fro by the deceit the enemy whispers in my mind. I've also been learning to focus on others more than I am focus on myself. I'm learning to put off old, unhealthy ways of relating and put on God's loving ways. According to Ephesians 4, that means not responding out of my flesh which can lead me to sensuality, greed, impurity, and deceit. It means replacing falsehood with the truth. It means replacing thievery with hard labor with the intention of sharing out of the reward of that. It means replacing corrupt speech with words that build up and fit the occasion and give grace to the hearer.

We can apply this principle of replacement with anything that hinders our ability to love well. For the one who likes to stonewall, it means replacing stonewalling with humble engagement and a willingness to hear. For the manipulator, it means releasing the desire to control another and fully respecting their right to their own thoughts, words, feelings, perspectives, and choices. For the one who yells, it means taking off the tendency to blast another with words and gently engaging in conversation. For the one who withdraws to punish, it means doing the next loving thing even when it is hard. for the one given to blame it means accepting personal responsibility their part in the ugliness of a relationship.

There is an art to loving well. Just as an artist would take great pains to choose his colors and placement of strokes, we have to be willing to put the time and energy into loving well so each is built up, our integrity is maintained, and the relationship itself is both preserved and enhanced. It is a time consuming and sometimes painful process, but the masterpiece of a godly, loving relationship is is a beautiful portrait, exemplifying God's love to a world full of hate.

Who do you Love?

Every New Year's we hear a lot about resolutions that help us be physically, emotionally, relationally, and/or spiritually healthier people. The resolutions range from making diet changes, to exercising more, to setting better boundaries, to not losing one's temper, to having more date nights with a spouse, to reading the Bible more often, and to developing a consistent prayer life.

This year I noticed a bit of push back towards those stating resolutions by those who believe resolutions set us up for failure. And to me a resolution does feel all or nothing. Once I've blown it, I feel like I've blown it for the whole year. Some of the discussions I heard about resolutions remind me of the discussions the Lord had in Matthew 22. The Pharisees, who were all about keeping the law, posed the question, "Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?" Even though they were asking with a motive of trying to disprove Jesus, I resonate with the question because I lived in fear and I longed to be a good girl and I longed to please the Lord.

I know I'm not the only one. As a volunteer youth worker, I was often asked how far one could carry out particular behaviors before Jesus (or others) consider them sin. I loved the honesty in the questions, because I think we adults want the same kind of direction, we are too ashamed to express it. At some point we've wondered when social drinking become drunkenness and sinful? We have wondered when does a friendly interaction between two married people moves from friendship to adultery either emotional or physical? How far is too far to go physically in a dating relationship before it is sin? Or, how many times can we miss church before it becomes sinful?

Like the Pharisees, we want clear guidelines. We want to know so we can feel good about ourselves and know we are good people.We may want to know because we feel safer if we know exactly where the line is drawn and what is expected of us. And if there is more than one thing expected, we believe we have a  better chance of pleasing God if we figure out what the most important thing to fulfill is. We may want to know because we may have been in bondage to sin and be afraid that we will be sucked back into it if we don't set a protective bar high. But sadly, that may help us, but we may sin by becoming Pharisaical as we judge and push our standard on others, robbing them of their freedom in Christ.  

Jesus's answer is probably not the answer they expected, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets." It seems somewhat subjective. Not black-and-what enough!

Reading the Lord's words, I remember hearing a sermon on them and asking God to help me understand what it means to love Him with all my heart, all my soul, and all my mind. Those words sound like being completely consumed by love and passion for Him. Though I had experienced moments like that I wasn't sure what it meant to actually live that out continuously. So, I continued to pray for God's help and over the next few weeks, I noticed every sermon I heard was on the love God has for us. Every time I turned on the car radio a song about His love was playing. I also received many unexpected encouragement notes during that time, containing verses about God's love for me--notes written by people who knew nothing about my prayers. I looked up verses on love and one of them said, "We love because He first loved us." and I grasped that to love God the way I desired, I had to first begin to comprehend and embrace the truth of His great love for me. Prior to that, if one asked me if God loved me I would say yes, but in truth I struggled daily to believe it and that doubt often drove my thought life, my responses to God and others and to my circumstances, and it drove my actions.

Over several years God showed me through words and through experience how much he loved me. Sometimes it was when I was showing love to my children, I would sense Him saying, "This is how I love you." Sometimes it was when a friend extended grace that I sensed Him saying, "My loving grace is deeper still!" Sometimes it was in the struggle to overcome sinful patterns, as I cried out to Him for help to overcome that I sensed His presence overwhelming me with love and silencing the angst of desire gone awry! Sometimes it was in the roar of a wave at the beach, or the birds singing in the mountains, the eerie silence of snow blanketing desert town, the roar of the thunder, the tremble of the quaking earth, the beautiful sunrises, and the display of the milky way across the darkened moonless sky reminded me of His loving presence. Sometimes it was in the sacredness of hearing another's pain that I could feel His loving presence wash over us and see the beauty still present in the brokenness. Sometimes I experienced His love as He brought me to specific passages in His Word--passages that revealed how He loves and passages that exposed my misunderstandings of Him and the stronghold of disbelief that kept me from fully enjoying His love.

This was different! Before, my faith had been about me trying to be good. My faith had been about me trying to earn His love. My faith had been about trying not to make Him angry at me. Now, it became about understanding and fully receiving the love He had already demonstrated at Calvary and looking for was to love Him in return.

The more I studied the more I realized how tightly the second command is tied to the first. One cannot totally demonstrate love for God apart from loving others. Matthew 25:35-40, "'For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.' Then the righteous will answer him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?' and the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you as you did it to me one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.'" So, to love another visible person well is to love the invisible God the way He wants to be loved!

I also had been a person who struggled with severe self-contempt and came across the truth of Psalm 139. "I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." That concept blew me away! But the more I pondered it, the more I realized living in shame and contempt draws the focus from God to me in a sick way. The more I dwelled there, the more I tended to hide from both God and man and the more I was driven by self-protective behaviors than love. I grew to accept that Temptation is common to man. Paul, claimed he was the worst of sinners and I decided to quit fighting him for that title and just focus on the fact that by faith Jesus took all of my bad on Himself and gave me His goodness. I began to grasp the freedom of the greatest two commandments. By choosing to believe He loved me, I could focus on getting to know Him by studying His attributes and trusting that He is there when I cry out to Him in desperate need of strength to fight sin or in desperate need of grace and mercy in the face of failure. By focusing on the next loving word to speak I can overcome sins of the tongue, not giving into the tendency to gossip, slander, bear false witness, or spew hatefulness at another. By focusing on the next loving action I can perform, I can overcome both sins of commission and sins omission, and the sin of self-protection. By focusing on love, I can overcome the sinful desires not yet weeded out of my heart. By focusing on serving others, I no longer clamor to be served, living with constant disappointment because other broken creatures like me failed to meet my expectations. By focusing on the love of Jesus, I become empowered to love God, others, and myself well, and the righteousness I used to seek is worked out in a natural way that exceeds my frantic efforts and gives a spirit of humility rather than pride. So, who do you love?