The Conqueror

Last week a song-writing friend asked her friends to fill in a blank describing God, "He is the___________," She got a lot of awesome responses from her friends, however, one response really grabbed my attention. It was written by Betty Noyes Smith. "'Conqueror' is the word that comes to mind. The Love that conquers hate, the Light that conquers darkness, the Life that Conquers death, the Truth that conquers falsehood...you get the idea." I loved Betty's answer because as I read it, my mind went directly to God's attributes and His power. I also liked it because I was convicted by its truth and began to wonder if my thoughts, words, attitudes, actions, and life reflect someone who believes in God as Conqueror. 

I think back on Israel's history. As they left Egypt, they had the privilege of seeing God conquer Pharaoh's hard heart through the plagues He brought about. They got to see God conquer the Egyptian armies when He split the Red Sea, giving Israel time to walk through it on dry land. God had caused confusion in the Egyptian armies. He caused their chariot wheels to become unstable and He caused the Red Sea water to flow back into place drowning Pharaoh's army. Yet, it wasn't long before they began to complain and to doubt God's goodness, love, and plans for them. It wasn't long before they openly rebelled against His instructions, delaying their entrance into the Promised Land. Years later, they learned as they walked in trust and obedience, God defeated armies in miraculous ways on their behalf and blessed them with abundance of goods and peace. Yet, Israel continued to spend years fluctuating between absolute trust and mistrust and between obedience and disobedience to Jehovah God! 

When Jesus came, Israel had been without a prophet and they were looking for the Messiah to rise up and defeat the Romans who were occupying their land because of their disobedience. They were so limited in their view of God that they failed to see that Jesus came to conquer so much more than just a human army. During the time He physically lived on earth, Jesus conquered all that ravaged human bodies. He healed diseases, eyes that were blind, ears that were deaf, and limbs that were crippled. He showed that He could conquer by raising dead people from the grave. He also conquered demons that were dwelling in the souls of men, as they sought to destroy people through their sin and self-destructive behaviors.

He conquered when He dissolved gender barriers, saving both men and women, calling both to ministry. He conquered when He dissolved the social and cultural barriers by sharing truth and offering salvation to the Samaritans and other Gentiles as well as to the Jews. He conquered by tearing down economic barriers as He ministered to both the wealthy and the poor. He conquered when He gave freedom to the poor to worship by chasing money hungry vendors from the Temple. He destroyed the false religion that had been created by legalistic Pharisees that had left people either living in terror or so filled with pride that they could no longer see their need of a Savior. 

In His death and Resurrection, Jesus conquered spiritual death for us when He faced God's wrath for our sin. In His Ascension and gifting of the Holy Spirit Jesus conquered the power that sin has over us. That is where many of us tend to forget that Jesus is a conqueror.  I say “us” because “US” is the alcoholic trying so hard not to give in to the craving for just one more drink, finding it hard to remember to call on God who is a conqueror over his addiction. “Us” is the drug addict who is trying hard to stay clean who finds herself driven by her compulsive need for a pleasurable high, forgetting that God is the conqueror over that self-destructive drive. “Us” is the compulsive eater trying hard not to binge again, the compulsive shopper trying hard not to blow her budget this month, and the compulsive talker trying hard to control her tongue; all forgetting in the battle with the flesh that Jesus is the conqueror when their compulsions grow strong. “Us” is also the individual committed to forming healthier relationships who struggles to remember God, with His everlasting love, is the Conqueror when something triggers his or her fear of abandonment. “Us” is the woman committed to developing godlier speech patterns who feels the ugly, angry words rising up in her in the middle of a heated conflict, forgetting in the moment that Jesus is the Conqueror over her tongue, her anger, and her pride that is the root behind the rage she spews. “Us” is the porn addict who promised his partner that he would not look at porn again but finds himself literally shaking with the craving that comes when his stress levels rise, forgetting that God is the conqueror over the fleshly desire. Any of “US” caught up in that battle between the flesh and the spirit tend to forget that God is the conqueror and in Him we are more than conquerors (Romans 8:37). We would do well to surround ourselves with humble, gracious, and truthful people who will help us remember God in the middle of the battles in which we find ourselves.

Several years ago, I was in counseling for an eating disorder with roots that ran deep. One night I had had a very long, hard struggle with the desire to use ugly behaviors, that I despised, but I eventually gave into them. The next morning, I went for my walk and was listening to praise music and praying about the struggle I had experienced the night before. I was so full of remorse and frustration and was so focused on the music and praying I didn't even realize I had passed a lady. She hollered at me, and I turned around. She came toward me and placed her hand on my shoulder as I took my ear buds out. She looked at me, square in the eyes, and said to me, "In Jesus the victory is already yours! Believe it and take a hold of it!" Then she turned on her heel and walked away. To this day, I’ve never seen her in my neighborhood again. She saw my struggle and had the courage to remind me that in Christ I was already a conqueror. I just needed to believe it and act on it.       

When I looked up the word conqueror I was excited to find that Revelation had a lot to say about us being conquerors in Christ. We conquer the evil one by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimonies! As we speak aloud we defeat the lies, the doubts, the fears, and the enemy behind them because we are living protected by the blood of Jesus. God will feed us from the tree of life, not allowing us to be hurt by the second death. He will feed us with His manna and give us a new name written on stone that no one knows except the receiver. To me, that indicates an intimacy that we have - a name, only He will call us. Maybe that name will be indicative of all that He created us to be. He will give us authority over nations and confess our names before his Father and his angels. He is our defender when the Enemy hurls his ugly accusations of not being good enough, not being worthy, not being obedient enough. He will refuse to blot our names from the book of life when the Enemy accuses us.

What hope we have when we worship the One who is the Conqueror. He has conquered sin with His righteousness, death with Life, darkness with Light, anxiousness with Peace, weakness with Strength, depression with Joy, despair with Hope. If we keep our eyes on Christ we can live the victorious lives to which we have been freed to live. He conquered the enemy at the cross and we strip the enemy of his power with God's truth and with our testimonies. When my old friend ED (eating disorder) comes knocking, I can have victory by defeating the enemy, attempting to entice me, by remembering the cross, by speaking Gods truth, and by giving testimony to what God has done for me. It doesn't matter what the besetting sin is, WE each can be conquerors in Christ by remembering, speaking, and testifying. 

The God of the Impossible

What do we do when we face an impossible situation? Maybe it is mounting bills in a time when pay raises don't keep up with inflation. Maybe it is a diagnosis of stage four cancer and limited funds and little hope given. Maybe it is dealing with a child who was born with a defective heart that will require many surgeries and life-threatening bumps in the road ahead. Maybe it is being trapped in a marriage in which domestic violence occurs, wanting to honor God and be safe at the same time. Maybe it is the realization that one's marriage is dead and needs to be resurrected, but the patterns of relating are so set in stone that they seem impossible to change. Maybe it is relational difficulties with extended family members who don't take responsibility for the part they play in creating havoc when the family comes together. Maybe it is the struggle with an addiction to pornography, alcohol, drugs, or food where the spirit is willing but the flesh is so weak. Maybe it is waking up with persistent depression that runs deep and just getting out of bed feels too hard. Maybe it is the loss of home due to flood or fire. Maybe it is the loss of one's country being ravaged by war. Maybe it is the need to escape an enemy, but having no place to go and no means to get there. Maybe it is standing at the side of the grave and wondering how one can survive the pain of the loss. Maybe it is the longing for a child with a body that is infertile. Maybe it is the sharing of the gospel with one whose heart is stone cold. It doesn't matter whether the impossible is physical, emotional, or spiritual, it creates fear as well as feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness.

How we respond to impossible situations we face often has its roots in our past. If we were lucky enough to grow up in a healthy family, we may have gained some coping skills and navigate the impossible quite well. However, if there is a history of childhood trauma and family dysfunction it is not likely that we will respond well to situations we view as impossible. Early childhood trauma can even leave us with a limbic system that is hair-triggered, leaving us in a panic, wanting to respond by fleeing, fighting, or freezing. When we feel overwhelmed we are more likely to panic and that fear will make it hard for us to remember God and what He has done in the past, what He may be doing presently, and what He is fully capable of doing in the future. We can learn a lot from Israel's story in Exodus 13:17-14:31, which tells the story of the Jews when they were caught in an impossible situation. They had the Red Sea in front of them with Pharaoh and his army was quickly coming from behind.  Israel responded to their situation with panic just like we do! 

So, how can we overcome the panic in the face of impossible situations? For me, it begins with acknowledging that what is going on inside of me is a physiological response, designed by God who wants me to be able to take care of myself. My response is flawed because of past trauma, and it is helpful to understand that the feeling of panic is just a feeling that will subside if I don’t fuel it. It feels extremely uncomfortable, but it really isn’t unbearable and it doesn’t mean I’m a bad person.

Second, I can overcome panic by acknowledging God's sovereignty, resting in the fact that His sovereignty is ruled by every aspect of His godly character. It is ruled by His goodness, His love, His mercy and grace, and His justice. In addition, He is ever present. Even though my emotions might tell me I’m alone, the truth is He is with me and He is all powerful, having infinite understanding of every situation I face--even the ones I believe to be impossible. Though they seem impossible to me, they do not surprise God, nor do they render Him powerless. There are times the panic I feel is so strong that the only way I can get my focus back on God is to take a walk and listen to praise music--the walking releases the physical energy of the panic and the music reminds me of who my God is. 

Third, I remind myself who I am in relationship to God--His child, bought with Christ's own blood. I can trust that God doesn't want me to be in bondage to sin or to fear, nor does He want to do me harm. In the impossible, I can remind myself that Satan wants me to believe the impossible proves God doesn't love me or have my best interest at heart. I can rebuke his lies and cling to the truth found in God's Word. I can step out in obedience and faith just as Israel stepped onto dry land with mountains of water heaped beside them. I can trust my ways are not His ways. His are infinitely better. 

Fourth, I can remind myself that God is a God of order even in what feels like chaos. Everything we face is either designed by Him or allowed by Him and has purpose. As we face the impossible in faith, God can use it to strip us of false securities. This enables us to view our lives through an eternal lens, grasping that this is not our home and we are Christ's ambassadors temporarily living here. 

God can also use the impossible to strip us of pride so that we quit living independently of Him and begin to fully recognize it is in our weakness that His strength is made known. He may put us in situations that cause us to have to exercise faith and trust in His promises in order to make our faith more than matter of head knowledge. 

God can use the impossible to strip us of the idols we have in our lives. Remember, when Israel wanted to leave Egypt, God used a series of plagues to get the attention of Pharaoh. Each of the plagues was designed to show Egypt's false gods were powerless, but the living God was not. When Israel was facing the sea Pharaoh, who was viewed as a god, and his armies were approaching and God used the impossible situation to expose the last false god by proving that Pharaoh was just a man. We may have idols that we use for security, for peace, for hope, and for love and God will lovingly strip them away so that He has our whole heart.  

Fifth, I try to remember that God may use the impossible to reveal Himself experientially to me. The Word says He is all powerful and I can't experience His power unless I am rendered powerless. The Word says He is a Healer and I can't experience His healing without illness--physical or emotional. His word says He is our protector and I can't experience His protection without experiencing what feels unsafe. His Word says He is our comforter and I can't experience His comfort without pain and loss. Because we are all so human, it just may be that we would not fully experience His presence without being stopped in our tracks with no resources of our own that we can realize all we ever needed was just Him.

In the aftermath of the impossible, we want to praise God through worship and through thanksgiving, building monuments of remembrance so that we don't grow complacent or forget God and what He has done. If we are living God's will, we will face more of the impossible and monuments of remembrance made of stone, or prayer journals, or praise reports spoken aloud will help us remember God is the God of the impossible. 

http://www.riverlakeschurch.org/index.php/rcc/sermons/facing-an-impossible-situation

No Empty Words

Most of us know what empty words are. Some had their first exposure to empty words in childhood when Dad frequently promised to attend school plays or soccer games, but never showed up. Sometimes his failure to show wasn't even acknowledged and when it was discussed, there was a promise to come next time or an admonition to not be a crybaby about his absences. Or maybe Mom repeatedly promised a trip to a favorite ice cream parlor after chores were done, but trips never materialized and when asked about them, she was too tired or claimed it was too close to dinner. And to add insult to injury she would usually add, "Maybe next week!" Some had their first exposure to empty words, when a noncustodial parent never showed up for visits. The excuses were many--new wife needed him, the dog was sick, got home too late from work, or maybe there was just silence with no excuses offered. Some had their first exposure to empty words when a parent's addiction was the root of broken promises. They promised repeatedly to stop drinking and to be a better parent, but the roots of addiction ran too deep and words--they were empty and couldn't be trusted. Some experienced empty words that were threats of disciplinary actions that never followed through and Mom and Dad still wonder why their kids are so unruly or got in trouble with the law. 

Some grew up in healthy homes where words were kept, but they were exposed to empty words outside the home. Maybe it occurred when a friend repeatedly failed to fulfill the plans you made together. Maybe she left you hanging at the Mall, the Basketball game, the movie theater, or just didn't show up for planned sleepovers. For some it occurred when they were dating a guy who repeatedly double booked or got caught up in the moment with his friends, failing to show up for dates, and promising to do better while expecting you to be "understanding." After all, isn't that what good girlfriends do? After all, don't Christians have to show grace? For some, it happened in a job when a boss promised a raise that never materialized. He was good at convincing workers to work until the project was finished so the company could make enough money to give you the raise you hoped for--the raise that never came to be.  

For many, empty words came in the form of apologies. Oh, the apologies rolled so easily off the tongue. "I am sorry I missed your game." "I am sorry I pushed you so hard to "do it," it won't happen again." "I am sorry, I didn't make it home in time for dinner again." "I am sorry I forgot to fix that leaky pipe this weekend, I'll do it next Saturday." "I am sorry I forgot to call you when I knew I was going to be late." "I am sorry I can't pick up the kids this weekend." "I am sorry I got drunk and made a fool of myself in front of the kids, it won't happen again." "I am sorry I was viewing porn again, I promise I won't do it again." But the apologies are made of empty words and the people saying them are saying the words only to alleviate his or her guilt and the behaviors, but they never change. 

But, with God, there are no empty words. In a world filled promises broken, vows not kept, pledges retracted, and assurances quickly given and even more quickly forgotten, God remains true to His Words. History proves it:

• "Thus the Lord gave to Israel all the land that he swore to give to their fathers." (Joshua 21:43a) 
•  "And the Lord gave them rest on every side just as he had sworn to their fathers." (Joshua 21:44a)
• "Not one word of all the good promises that the Lord had made to the house of Israel had failed; all came to pass." (Joshua 21:45} 

These verses are important verse because they show the partial fulfillment of the promise God made to Abraham in Gen. 12:2-3, "And I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and him who dishonor you I will curse, and in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed.” 

And the complete fulfillment of them is found in Jesus. In Him, every person has the possibility of redemption. We have a truth-minding, promise-keeping, covenant-fulfilling God. And this is important as we live out our faith in a broken world filled with fear-inducing events, debilitating illnesses, broken promises, and sinful people who fail to love well. 

God's faithfulness is how the parents of a child who is suffering with heart defects or cancer makes it through the day. They hold on to the Psalmists words, "The LORD sustains him on his sickbed; in his illness You restore him to full health."  (Psalm 41:3)

Those grieving can find comfort and hope in Psalm 30:5b, "Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." 

Those struggling with loneliness and fear of abandonment can hold onto the Lord's promise found in Hebrews 13:5, "I will never leave you or forsake you." 

Those wondering if the sin they just committed is one sin too many sins to be forgiven can hold on to 2 Corinthians 12:9, "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Those afflicted from every side can hold onto the promise found in Psalm 34:19, “Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of them all."   

Those struggling with fearful hearts can trust the words of a prophet in Isaiah 41:10, "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all." 

Those facing death can hold on to the promise Jesus made in John 14:2, "In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you?" 

And those feeling distraught over the immoral, hate-filled climate in which we live can hold onto   1 Thessalonians 4:16, "For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and the sound of the trumpet of God." 

In this world filled with empty words, we can remember God speaks no empty words! Every word is trustworthy, powerful and life-sustaining. Our struggle with unbelief often has had its roots in man's failures, not God's. 

Is it really a Great Big Wonderful World?

I come from a line of women who cared deeply for pets, who were down on their luck. When I went to visit my mom and grandmother, I often found new pets with special needs. At one point, they had a blind dog, one who suffered seizures, and one with severe arthritis. It seems those genes of compassion have been handed down to our youngest son. When he bought his first home, he decided he to get a puppy. He went to the pound and was somehow smitten by a sweet female dog that he named Sweet Dee.  

Recently I got a chance to meet Dee and she is a sweetheart. During our visit, he told me her story. She was in the womb when her mother was confiscated in a police raid. The mom and the puppies she was carrying could not be adopted until after everything was settled in court. So, Dee was born in the shelter and lived in it for fourteen months. Though her physical needs were met, some of her emotional needs weren't. Her whole world was a kennel. When he walked her out to the car, she was terrified. When they walked into his house, she didn't understand she could explore the house like most puppies would. When he took her outside and showed her the backyard for the first time, she was overwhelmed and stayed by his feet. When he went to bed the first night, he invited her on to the bed, and she wouldn't come. It took her awhile to understand she could climb on the bed and sleep with him. 

She quickly bonded with him and a whole new set of issues popped up. She would get so anxious when he had to leave her alone that she would get sick all over the room. So, he had to crate her and she soon learned to undo the crate so he kept her in a room that he could easily clean. With consistent love and provision, she slowly adjusted to life outside the kennel. Now. she is a bit more comfortable experiencing parks, beaches, and people who are loving and kind toward her. She can easily revert back to fearful behaviors in new situations, but each time she seems to overcome them more quickly. He shared that once she has done something wrong and realizes it, she gets so anxious that her bad behaviors escalate. While he disciplines her, he has to lavish her with love at the same time so she will calm down and stop the behavior he is correcting. It does a mama's heart good to see a son's love, patience, compassion, and discipline helping a neglected pup with a hard start overcome fear and anxiety, making it possible to live a good life. 

As I sat and watched my son and Sweet Dee interact, it reminded me that sometimes we don't know what to do with people who have suffered emotional trauma and neglect. Fortunately, my church is different. It has given me the freedom to build a support group ministry that serves women who have been emotionally traumatized. Many of the women who come into our groups come in anxious and fearful much like Sweet Dee. In some the fear and anxiety are visible, but in some it is well hidden by confusing, self-protective behaviors. Sometimes those behaviors cause others to view them as people who need extra grace. Maybe in home groups their anxiety causes them to be overly talkative, abrasive, or defensive. Maybe it causes them to be overly sensitive, exhausting group members who believe they must walk on eggshells around them. Maybe they appear to be quiet or closed off, leaving group members struggling to connect with them. Maybe they have a lot of drama going on in their lives and eat up prayer time with dramatic narratives, but do little to end the drama. Maybe they come across as rigid and unbending, needing everyone to agree with them to be okay. Maybe they are stuck in sin they, causing some to doubt their salvation because they give into sinful behaviors and addictions again and again--be it alcohol, drugs, food, porn, people, shopping, or self-harm, drama, etc. Or maybe they have trouble trusting God. 

I have been that extra-grace-needed person and people were either trying to fix me or ignoring me because I was so needy. I also have been that person who readily smiled but who was so closed off that little was known about that state of my heart or the dreams I dreamed of fulfilling. I have been that person who struggled to trust an awesome God to help me for fear I would find out I wasn't worth helping. And I am ashamed to say I have also been that home group member irritated, confused, and impatient with the ones who ate up time telling stories instead of talking about the lesson, the ones addicted to drama who presented the same prayer request over and over instead of confronting or setting godly boundaries that could evoke change. I have been the group member confused by the one who continued to wallow in victimhood instead of choosing to live in freedom and joy. 

As I spent time in a Christian counselor's office, I became more self-aware, I went through a stage where I was so frustrated at how I reacted and responded to situations. I truly wanted to be a person who wasn't as socially awkward as I was, who didn't interpret events, words, and body language through a lens of trauma. I said to my counselor that I didn't understand why I did what I did. She suggested I read the book, A Child Called "It." When I went back to the therapist, she asked me what I thought of the book. I told her what I liked about it and how I felt about Dave and the story he lived. She then asked me what I thought of his behaviors once he was rescued. It hit me then that his behaviors made perfect sense in the context of his story. She pointed out to me that she viewed me the same way. Even though my trauma wasn't as severe as the boy in the story, it was still trauma and I had developed behaviors that protected me. Some were wise behaviors and some were maladaptive behaviors that didn't serve me well, but those behaviors were deeply ingrained in my brain and because they were tied to trauma they still pop up when I feel unsafe. But, now I don't have to act on them, I can choose more wisely how to respond. The more time that passes and the more practice I get, hopefully I will act and react out of the person God created me to be. But, for the majority of traumatized people, recovering is a life-long process. It is, in my opinion, the Biblical process mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13:11, "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways." Traumatized people have to work hard to give up childish ways because trauma has sealed those ways so deep within them.   

There are several things we can do to help people who've been traumatized grow past trauma. First, we can recognize people are living redemption stories penned by God. Our church has begun to publish written stories and show video clips of people sharing their stories. I love this, because it makes it safe for us to share and it helps us to understand each other in the context of our stories. We also see this in our support groups. When women come into group and work on their trauma, we see protective behaviors and defenses that in and of themselves don't make a lot of sense. After they tell their stories, we find their responses and defense mechanisms make perfect sense. As they continue to work and experience godly love, acceptance, and grace, they reach a place they begin to make changes they need to make and find themselves in the place Sweet Dee found herself when our son first brought her home. Freedom, healthy relationships, trusting God and other people, joy and happiness, and peace are as inviting to the traumatized as our son's home and back yard was to Dee. Yet, as inviting as those things are, they are scary, because they are unfamiliar. 

It takes time for traumatized people to believe they are safe with a group of people, especially when they were traumatized by people who should have loved them and kept them safe. It takes time for them to wrap their minds around the fact that both God's sovereignty over trauma and His great love for them are true. It takes times to trust God will give audience to their concerns when the people in their lives ignored them. It takes time for them to not be afraid of this strange new feeling rising up in them, that we would define as joy, when joy they experienced in childhood was crushed in horrific ways. It takes times to believe one comes to Christ for the power to overcome sin when they have been told repeatedly that the way to God is to give up that sin. It takes time to trust others when they were so deeply wounded by the people they should have been able to trust. It takes time to trust that people can love them and give them attention when life is calm and good when the only way they got attention as children was to create chaos. It takes time to believe one can be so filled with the love of God that they can be more concerned with loving others that trying to milk love out of another's love starved heart. 

I want to be someone that recognizes the hard-to-understand behavior and defenses that seem to simultaneously invite me in and push me away hide painful stories that need to be told. I want to be someone who refuses to judge people's actions and attitudes, instead showing curiosity about the story behind them. I want to be a someone who chooses to walk alongside of people who are "coming home" for the first time and "exploring a great big beautiful world" that feels so unsafe, allowing them to draw on my courage and hope when they need it. And I want to be a person so connected to God that when another's actions and reactions test my love, I can love consistently enough that the fears of the wounded are laid to rest and they can begin to live a life no longer defined by trauma, but by the love of God; and so that the question asked in the title of this post, “Is it really a great big wonderful world?” can be answered with a resounding, "YES!"

I Want to Throat Punch Some People!

It has been a hard week for me, emotionally. It isn't because of what is going on in my personal life. It is because of what is going on in our world. First, I was invited to host a book table at a Sex Trafficking Symposium at Saddleback Church in Orange County. We've had a few traffic survivors attend our Passionate Heart Ministry and I have worked with a few at the rescue mission and thought I had a good idea of what we would be hearing. However, a couple of the speakers brought video clips with the purpose of helping people see sex trafficking for what it truly is, convincing me it isn't something done by women voluntarily. Even though they take money from the John, the pimp takes the money from them.   

Just like victims of childhood sexual abuse, victims of trafficking have come to that scene with vulnerabilities that increased the likelihood they would be manipulated into “the life.” Some of them were vulnerable because they ran away to escape sexual abuse experienced at the hands of people who should have nurtured and protected them. Some became vulnerable because their parents kicked them out when they got addicted to drugs or alcohol. Some became vulnerable when their needs weren't met and they grew up without a sense of belonging to family. And a guy or gal from a gang, a bottom, or a pimp befriended and groomed them with the promise of being a part of their family. Sick as that sounds, it fulfills a deep need written on their hearts in the womb. I worked with one gal who was a single mom that met a couple at a PTA meeting. They befriended her when she was lonely. She began to frequent bars with them and then drinks were spiked and she was drugged and became addicted, pimped, and videotaped without her knowledge.   

It is scary to know some of the youngest girls were lured into “the life” by men and women pretending to be someone close to their ages on social media pages. They developed an online relationship and soon the kids thought they were in love with a fake person and ran away to be with them. Instead, they ended up in the hands of a pimp, only to be drugged, raped, and trafficked. Some videos we saw were posted by pimps proudly showing how abusively they treat the women they "own." The language, the physical violence, the drugs dispensed, the bragging-- it hurts the heart. I became angry because they seem to think they are tough, powerful, and ever so manly. But, they are the embodiment of pure evil.  

A lot of drug dealers found out they make more money selling humans. I won't write the words they use in that lifestyle, but they are ugly words. These women and girls, men and boys are stuck because they have no money, are addicted to the drugs provided, desperately want to belong, and fear for their lives if they run. Some women become "bottoms," which is the pimp’s right hand woman. Bottoms become horribly abusive to those under them. They recruit, train, and control through threats and abuse. They have to do this or be beaten worse than anyone. There is a status in that community that comes with top positions and what they will do to maintain a position sickens the heart. 

We are mistaken if we believe they can leave if they want. It is hard to get out of “the life”, because the conscience becomes seared when one is living only in that setting. To come out of “the life” and return to a more normal, moral setting shines a bright light on what they have done to survive and the shame that rises up within them is unbearable, causing some to commit suicide. Some of them don't have job or people skills and if they do, police records make it hard to get a job. It is becoming a generational business as they draw young guys and girls into it, some being their own children and some not. Children drawn in know no other life. I came home sad for the victims, but angry enough to throat punch some pimps. 

Then, on Monday, we heard about the bombing in Manchester that killed and injured young kids, parents, and young adults who were doing nothing but attending a concert. With the work I do, I know those not injured will suffer emotionally from the trauma of the event. They will never ever be the same. And these men think they are so powerful, so manly, and so spiritual because they believe they are earning special rewards for carrying out horrible deeds. What is manly about killing a child? It makes me sick to think back on all the terrorist attacks that have been reported. The terrorists who carried out the attack in southern California dropped their baby off at grandmother’s house and went and shot up his co-workers, and then shot it out with the police. And there is Boston, Florida, and all the European bombings...and it makes me want to throat punch some terrorists and those who recruit and train them.  

Then, this morning I read a response Leslie Vernick, a godly author and counselor, wrote to a pastor who had given bad advice to a woman who was in an abusive relationship. The woman’s marriage started out great and then over time her husband disengaged, withdrew to his basement, and become very angry. He started verbally assaulting her and the kids. Though it hadn't escalated to physical violence, his tongue was caustic and he had thrown both words and objects in anger. I've heard similar stories and in many cases the husband was battling an addition to pornography. The woman sought advice from her pastor who didn't point out the Biblical steps in handling his sin. Instead, he told her she should try harder to be a good support to him and that her emotional pain had at its root pride. That is spiritual abuse at its worst! No one in the church should be silenced when they are being mistreated and abused. It is time for churches to quit blaming victims and deal with the sin in the body.   

It reminded me of the number of women in our sexual abuse support groups. Some of them were abused by parents who were involved in the church or by youth pastors, pastors, or other leadership in the church. Those brave enough to speak out when they were young were often told not to say those kinds of things because dad could go to jail, the pastor's family could break up, or the reputation of the church could be ruined. It hurts my heart to think of the little girls too ashamed or too afraid to tell. But, it hurts my heart even more when they did tell and were silenced--literally sacrificed for the false reputation of the families and the church. It makes me want to throat punch some abusers, some pastors and some parents who would rather sacrifice kids than deal with sin in a Biblical way. 

I could go on and on with the things that make me want to throat punch today. I want to throat punch men and boys who think it is manly to objectify women and look them up and down as they walk down the street. I want to throat punch guys that think it is okay to grope women in the work place or in a public line. I want to throat punch men who think it manly to intimidate women and demand sex. I want to throat punch men who think it is okay to drug women and rape them. I want to throat punch judges who let them off scot free. I want to throat punch parents who neglect their responsibilities of loving, nurturing, teaching, and disciplining children, making them vulnerable to abuse, addictions, and trafficking. I want to throat punch people behind the abortion industry who make their money performing abortions on women they have deceived into believing abortion doesn't hurt the mom or the child, convincing them that the best way to handle sin is to perpetrate another against an unborn baby.  

As I have been processing these feelings, I came to realize there is an enemy bigger than the pimp, bigger than the John, bigger than the bottom, bigger than the terrorist, bigger than the misguided misogynistic pastor, bigger than the men caught in sexual addiction, and bigger than doctors performing abortions, and bigger than neglectful parents. All these people have been deceived by the Enemy who is seeking to devour and to destroy those created in God's image. Every one of these people doing such tremendous harm to others was formed in the womb by God's own hands just as their victims were. They have made choices to harm others partly because the enemy deceived them so they would be in the business of destroying other image bearers and in that process of believing and obeying the lies they themselves seem to have lost the ability to bear the image of God they were created to bear, that is unless God steps in and redeems. 

The Enemy is the one that has deceived men into thinking it is manly to pimp and create porn, to be aggressive and abusive, and to control wives and children through manipulation and intimidation. It is the enemy telling parents it is okay to ignore their family. It is the enemy telling girls it is okay to rectify one sin with another. It is the enemy telling them “the life” will fill the need of family. It is the enemy that causes people to become so entrenched that it seems normal to live a life of degradation and defilement. It is the enemy telling terrorists their salvation comes through murder. And it is the enemy telling us in our churches that these things don't have anything to do with us.  

We have got to remember truth. A man is never more manly than when he loves well, respects women, provides for his family, is in involved in his family, models godly morals, and bears the image of His Savior. He is never more manly than when he controls lustful appetites, wandering eyes, and his temper. He is never a more manly than when he teaches his sons to love and respect their mothers, sisters, girlfriends, and spouses. He is manly when he protects his daughters, loving them well, teaching them to let the Savior be enthralled with their beauty. They are manly when they guard their hearts both as a single and a married man, fighting with all of their might to preserve their purity and their marriages. 

And women--they are more beautiful when they get their love needs met by God and find a sense of purpose fulfilled as they engage with their kids, teaching them how to love God, themselves, and others. Women are never more beautiful than when they walk in truth and model a modest heart and empower their daughter to choose wisely who and when to date. And they are more beautiful when they have blown it when they own a mistake made, and recognize that grace and community can help them navigate the consequences of sin, allowing God to redeem even the sinful choices they made. 

And the church--it is never more godly than when it acknowledges the sin in the body and deals with it adequately. That means dealing graciously with unwanted pregnancies in a way that maintains the dignity of the mother and preserves the life of the baby while at the same time dealing with the root causes of the sin. That means being willing to deal with pornography, sexual addictions, and calling on men to openly take a stand against sex trafficking and porn use. It means being willing to deal with perpetrators of domestic violence, misogynistic attitudes, and teaching young men to appreciate God's plan for sex inside of a covenant marriage. It means loving well and teaching young people to be fulfilled in Christ so they don't look for love in sinful ways. 

I believe we all have the potential to be deceived and to sin to the point that God's image in us is no longer visible. That should terrify us. That should humble us. That should bother us enough to want to catch our tendency to sin in its earliest stages. It should bother us enough to drive us to the Word to see what God's plan for His people is. It should bother us enough to fall down and worship the one who can preserve His image in us. 

As I am contemplating how big God is, the desire to throat punch dissipates. I know the Enemy was defeated at the cross, his time is short, and he is angry and writhing like a snake dying. And I want to consistently worship God, remembering He is more powerful than he who is in this world. I pray against the Enemy's schemes and boldly proclaim God's truth to counter the Enemy's lies. I want to get out of my comfort zone and challenge the church to consider if we are doing all that God has called us to. Are we doing church God's way or hiding and perpetuating sin? Are we going where sinners live with the gospel, or hiding behind the comfort of the white washed walls? Are we willing to be around people with "rough edges" to share the gospel or are we reaching out only to those resembling us? Isn't it true that we can render the Enemy powerless by living as God has called us to live? Every prayer spoken, every act of worship, every demonstration of love, every testimony spoken aloud, every heart healed, every knee bowed in repentance, and every relationship healed through forgiveness, and every godly choice made are things that silence the Enemy and render Him powerless. Could it be that those are the spiritual throat punches God has called us to throw?     

When Mother's Day is Hard

Over the years I've come to realize holidays can be hard for people. I remember the sadness I felt on my first Mother's Day after moving across the country. I was used to spending it with Mom and was overwhelmed and lonely in a new place. I felt a sense of loss even though she was still alive. When I became a mom, my husband did his best to make it special, so I hid the sadness I experienced. It was years later that I faced the holiday with Mom truly gone. It hurt to realize I was no longer able to hear her voice, buy her a card, or send her flowers. I was a bit more prepared because I had some friends who had shared their grief with me on Mother's Day. They had lost their mothers early in life, some of so young they had to tell  teachers they didn't want to make a card because they didn't have a mom. They felt different and hated it. When Mother's Day rolls around, I still feel a sense of loss. But more importantly I feel burdened because of the painful stories others live. It is a good, God-given  burden that takes me to my knees.

I pray for those for whom this holiday stirs up longings for relationships with moms that can never be fulfilled. It doesn't matter if their moms have died, if their moms have abandoned them, if their moms are too dysfunctional to relate in healthy ways, or if their moms have betrayed them. That pain of longing they feel is a pain that runs deep. They may be longing to hear their voices speak words of affirmation that they know most likely will never be spoken because of sinful or wounded hearts. They may be longing to hear apologies for harsh words spoken in fit of rage, for loving so poorly, for failing to protect, or for leaving them. They may be longing for one more bear hug or for hugs never given. They may be longing for another conversation or longing for a conversation they never will have. They may be longing to hear their moms laugh one more time or the wondering what their laughs would have sounded like had depression not stolen them. They may be longing to hear their moms say they understand, but realizing their moms won't hear their words and respect their perspectives. They may be longing to having moms who would have protected them from perpetrators instead of choosing to protect family reputations, the church they attended, or the delusion that their families were healthy and happy. They might be longing for moms who were  stable enough to calm fears instead of triggering them.

I pray for those whose hearts feel empty on Mother's Day, because they can't remember a time that they didn't long for a child and live with the realization they will never conceive. Their hearts hurt every month, but even more on this day. They hurt not only for the unfulfilled longing, but because of the lack of empathy and the people who clamor for them to get over their grief or admonish them to trust God more. What do they do with the longing the Creator has written on their hearts?

I pray for the ladies who were able to conceive but lost children before they could breath their first breath. They grieve the loss of the baby they wanted but will never get to hold. They also grieve the loss of hopes and expectations they had for their children and themselves as parents. Many of them have suffered in silence because those around them didn't recognize the loss as valid and  those that did, are impatient with the grief they experience.

I pray for the moms whose memories include abortion. No matter what their reasons were, they were deceived into believing it would be easier. Yet, every year they remember and feel their losses shrouded with shame. They find themselves wondering about the child whose life ended because of the choices they made. I am thankful for those who have experienced God's grace and have been able to grieve and repent. But, I pray for those who haven't repented, always hoping they will do so, so that they can grieve their child and confess the decision they made as they cling to the assurance of a heavenly reunion.

I pray for the moms who were fortunate enough to birth children and enjoy them for a season only to lose them way too soon. They have walked a grieving journey many of us will never walk. When this day rolls around, their hearts are both heavy and thankful as they remember past Mother's Days filled with cheer and hand made cards expressing sweet childish sentiments. Even those with other children, are reminded who are celebrated can not help but see the empty chair of the missing sibling.
I pray for the moms who have children who are incarcerated or who have run away. The shame of wondering where they went wrong is sometimes too much to bear. The worry that comes from wondering if children are alive, safe, cold and hungry, or in harm's way is constant. As they grieve the choices made by their children, they grieve the holes left in their family and the dashed hopes they had for their kids.

I also pray for the moms and the children who lost their relationship through suicide. That death is a hard one to grieve because of all the unasked and unanswered questions. "Was it my fault?" "Could I have prevented it?" "Why did they want to die?" "Why did they prefer death over life?"

My purpose in sharing this post is not to guilt those who celebrate this holiday as it's a relationship that deserves to be recognized, honored, and celebrated! I just want to remind us that it is not always easy for others. I hope we can be empathetic and gracious as we cross paths with those whose experience is not one of joy. This might mean writing a note to a friend struggling with infertility. It might mean planting a rose bush with someone who's lost a child or a mom. It might mean having coffee with a friend and allowing her to talk about her loss without admonishing her to move on. It might mean doing something creative with a friend who has suffered a loss and wants to bless another. It might mean having lunch with someone spending their first Mother's Day alone, reminding them through your presence that you remember their loss. It might mean being willing to listen to a process letter written to a mother who was absent, distracted, or unloving and then helping them figure out ways to release the pain they feel and forgive at a deeper level. The possibilities are endless, for when Mother's Day is hard, it offers us so many opportunities to love those who hurt.

Mommy has a Potty Mouth

When my children were small, they were outside with my husband who was working in the garden. After setting the food I had prepared on the table, I opened the door and hollered to let them know lunch was ready. I then turned around and grabbed the pitcher of ice tea and set it on the table, somehow setting it on the edge of the table. It was like a slow-motion video. I saw it go over and as it hit the floor the pitcher shattered and ice tea spattered up the wall and all over the newly mopped floor. "Oh crap!" slipped from my mouth just as my young sons got to the screen door. One of them quickly turned to their daddy and yelled at the top of his lungs, "Daddy, Mommy just cussed!" Technically I didn't believe I used curse words--slang yes, and maybe even a bit vulgar. When I said that to my husband, he laughed and pointed out two possible reasons the kids thought I cussed. First, it wasn't a word we allowed them to use. So, they assumed I was cussing if I used a forbidden word. Second, the emotional and impulsive way I spoke the word made it feel like a curse word to the kids.

Ironically, I had grown up in a family where some of grownups cursed when they got angry and some simply cursed in social settings as they told stories. When I became a believer, I tried really hard not to curse. And, as a teen, I even became a somewhat obnoxious, self-appointed chief of the speech police force for my family of origin.  

In college, I had a Christian English major as a roommate who was both intelligent and quick witted. I asked her one time if she ever cursed because I had never heard her do so. She said she didn't curse since she believed most people cursed because they had a limited vocabulary. And believe me, she could express herself and her emotions quite well without ever using curse words. She was amazing and could  verbalize something deep and significant in a humorous way that made me smile, only to realize later how important her words were. I also had another dear friend who, in the eight years I was around her, never once cursed in front of me. I didn't realize it until one day we were in the middle of doing something and something happened that would have made cursing a real temptation for anyone, but all she said was, "Oh, my soul!" And it didn't even sound like a curse word, just a calm acceptance of a problem we would have to work through to proceed. I loved that one chose to educate herself with a vocabulary to give herself the ability to fully communicate the emotions that were aroused in difficult situations, and the other communicated a humble acceptance of circumstances that were less than favorable, frustrating, or infuriating to us humans. For the most part, I tried to emulate the speech of these ladies and many other godly women I knew.   

A few years ago, I decided to work through past trauma and in that work I found a host of emotions including rage with in me that I didn't know existed. And along with those emotions, curse words I had heard early on, but never thought I would say again, rose to the surface. For a couple of years those words showed up a lot in my journal, which was written in the format of letters to God. I was a bit uncomfortable doing that, until one day I watched my young grandson ask his mom to give him back an object she had taken away from him. Because He was around 18 months old, he had a limited vocabulary and he kept reaching out with his hands indicating he wanted it. She shook her head no and then he began to throw a little fit without any tears. She told him no again and then he began to cry great big crocodile tears. When she still said no, he began to desperately point to the tears as if they could indicate to her how much he wanted the object she had taken from him. In seeing him, I realized that because I had a hard time getting to my tears, I had been using curse words to try to convey to God how angry and how hurt I was.  

Then, one day I was discussing something painful with my counselor. She asked me if I had journaled about it. I told her that I had tried to journal several times, but I couldn't find words to express the depths of hurt and anger I was experiencing and had just cried an ugly cry--the cry where shoulders shake, and groans surface, and snot runs as fast as the tears. I told her that in my mind all I could do was picture myself standing on a tall mountain, screaming in anguish, wanting to be sure God could hear and see me and know the pain I felt. She took me to another counselor's office and showed me a beautiful picture of a lady sitting on a garden bench crying and catching her tears in a vile. The artist had painted it to depict Psalm 56:8, "You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?" To know that God saw my tears and cares was a soothing balm to my pained soul.  

I had gone from living numb, to getting angry about the ugly, hurtful things I had experienced, to acknowledging the deep pain and the grief caused by what had occurred and, believe me, that grief ran deep. During that time of facing the past wounds and laying them at the cross, Romans 8:26 took on new meaning to me, "Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." When I couldn't find the words to express the anguish I experienced the Spirit could intercede for me. How awesome is that?

I hope that every person who faces deep pain, loss, and confusion finds the beauty of the truth of these verses for themselves. God hears the pain and the anger we experience and express through words. And, when there are not words strong enough to express the deep pain in our hearts, He sees the tears and hears the silent groans of our hearts and the Spirit's prayers being poured out on our behalf. 

Sometimes we want to play down our emotions, but I believe God is every bit as concerned about our hearts and the emotions we experience as He is about the thoughts we think and the words we speak. The cries of the cross are proof of that. I believe our God is big enough to handle the emotions we feel and loving enough to help us manage them with His truth. Maybe that is why Paul wrote, "That I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death." 

I am at a different place in my life and still striving to use godly speech, trusting that if I can't find a word powerful enough to convey my fear, sorrow, grief, or anger, that I can trust that God sees how deep those things can run in me. And, at the times I feel alone and desperate to be heard, I can still draw on that mountaintop dream in which I cry out to Him with my heart and let the Spirit intercede for me. He knows my heart and He knows what I need even more than I do. I don't want my grandkids to think of me as a potty-mouthed grandma, I want them to remember me as a "Jam" who spoke words that blessed and drew their hearts toward the heart of God.