Suffering Well--Hope for the Homesick

When we first got married we moved to Mississippi so my husband could go to graduate school. While there we joined a church that was gifted with excellent teachers and loving friends. I felt more at home there than any place I've lived. Eight years later we moved away and I've adapted and had a lot of joyful experiences, but there has always remained a tinge of homesickness for my former church. When I read Daniel, I can't help but wonder if he experienced that same feeling I do.

Daniel and his young friends loved God and were committed to following hard after Him when King Nebuchadnezzar besieged Jerusalem and took them captive because they were among the healthiest, brightest, best looking, and wisest young men in Israel. The king commanded the men to be taken to Babylon where he changed their names, and ordered them to learn a new language and the ways of the Chaldeans.

I can't imagine being a captive and having my name changed. It would be like having someone try to wipe out my identity, my heritage, and my past experiences. Nor can I imagine what it felt like being taught about false gods and being expected to embrace them. This kind of indoctrination indicated that there wasn't plan for the young men to ever return home. It was a wise plan for a king, but a hard plan for the captives. In an effort to win the young men over, he ordered them to be housed in the palace and served from his own rich foods. But Daniel didn't want to be defiled by palace foods and requested the Jewish menu with which he has been raised. It was an important step, because the dietary laws were closely tied to worship and Daniel was subtly taking a stand and clinging to His God.

Daniel was made a ruler over a province when he interpreted a dream for the king and he placed three of his friends in leadership positions, stirring jealousy in the hearts of the locals. When the king made a statue to be worshiped, the Chaldeans  saw their chance to turn the king against Daniel's friends who refused to bow to the statue. The Chaldeans and told the king they wouldn't bow. The king became enraged and ordered Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego to be brought to him. He threatened to make them fuel for a hot furnace and they still refused to bow so they were bound and cast in a furnace so hot it killed the guards throwing them in. But when the king gazed into the furnace He saw four men very much alive standing in the flames. In awe, he called the men out and gave glory to God who had stood with them, forbidding anyone to speak evil of their God.

When Darius came to power, the Chaldeans saw an opportunity to get rid of Daniel. Because they had seen Daniel praying, they asked the king to forbid people to petition anyone but Darius for a period of time. Faithful Daniel did as Daniel always did. He prayed to His God and as a consequence spent the night in a lions' den. When the king returned, he found Daniel unscathed and ordered the nation to fear Daniel's God.

Daniel and his three friends faced their suffering courageously and remained faithful to God despite their captivity and mistreatment. Their faith-life was so noticeably different that it irritated some and intrigued others. The young Jews stood strong in the face of persecution. We must remember, as humans, Shadrach, Mesheck, and Abednego didn't know if they were going to be burned or saved and Daniel didn't know if he would be eaten or or protected, but they chose to remain faithful to God.

Daniel 9 shares one of Daniel's prayers. It shows where his heart is in regard to God and the long captivity he endured. I am summarizing the prayer as I want to learn from it and I believe its appropriate for our time: "O Lord, you are great and awesome! You keep your covenants and love with a steadfast love. We've sinned, acted rebelliously, and turned aside from your commandments. We've not listened to the prophets who spoke in your name. Lord, to you belongs righteousness, but to us open shame because of the treachery we've committed against you. To you belongs mercy and forgiveness, for we have rebelled against you. Because we transgressed your law and refused to obey your voice, the curse and oath written in the Law have been poured out upon us. You confirmed your words, which you spoke against us, by bringing upon us a great calamity, yet we have not entreated your favor by turning from our iniquities and gaining insight into your truth. Because of this you have kept the calamity upon us, for you are righteous in all your works. You brought your people out of Egypt with a mighty hand, and made your name great, but we've done wickedly. Lord, according to your righteous acts, let your anger and wrath turn away from Jerusalem. Because of our sins and iniquities of our fathers. Jerusalem and your people have become a byword among those around us. Please, God, listen to my prayer for mercy, and for your own sake, Lord, make your face shine upon your sanctuary. God, incline your ear and open your eyes to see our desolation. We don't plea because of our righteousness, but because of your great mercy. Lord, forgive, pay attention, and act, because your city and your people are called by your name." 

There are several lessons we can learn from Daniel and his friends. When given the choice of to obey man and live or obey God and die these men chose obedience, making it clear they trusted God and His plan for them. They didn't have foreknowledge; they simply knew and trusted their God. They didn't see captivity as an abandonment by God and chose to draw near to Him during it. Daniel's prayer showed us God was faithful and true to His word. He also came to realize that captivity wasn't due to a flaw in God's character, but a sin problem with Israel who lived in open rebellion at the time. Even though Daniel was obedient and faithful, he identified with the sin of his people and he humbly confessed it to God and pleaded for mercy on their behalf. As a faithful person, Daniel didn't show a sense of entitlement and demand justice for himself, Instead, he prayed for the restoration of Israel because she bore God's name and he wanted God's name to be magnified, not mocked.

When we face hardship, the enemy wants us to believe we're abandoned by God. When we're obeying and trusting, we may believe we are entitled to a life of ease. Oh, how we often forget we live in a country where babies are daily slaughtered, where families are disconnected from each other, where sexual integrity is challenged on every front, where gain is obtained through dishonest means, where more humans beings are being trafficked than ever before, and where the church has allowed itself to be more influenced by the world than the Word. If we are honest, we will admit we live in a culture not much different than Daniel's and many people who claim to be believers have resorted to bullying, shaming, and rejecting instead of loving and sharing the gospel of grace. I want so bad for us to be "Daniels" who look at the suffering and persecution beginning to happen as an invitation to return to the heart of our great God. I would hope we let suffering humble us and that we would begin to pray fervently, not for an end to our suffering, but for the suffering to do its godly work in us, in our churches, and in our nation. Suffering is never just about us, it is about a family,communities, churches, and countries and through suffering we know God is calling His people to trust Him and display His grace as never before. Whatever God has in store for us as a nation and whatever we endure, we will be blessed if we trust Him and respond to the calling to be intercessors and faithfully confess the sins of our families, our churches, our communities, and our nations. We tend to talk about "they" instead of realizing we have a shared identity with the "they" who carry out atrocities that bring on all of our heads great shame.

Daniel's prayer showed, as aged man, he still had a heart for his original 'home" much like I do for my Mississippi home. But as ambassadors of our great King, maybe the suffering and discontentment we feel living in a Godless nation will be used to draw our hearts and minds to our heavenly home so the prayers we pray will be from an eternal perspective instead of earthly, fleshly perspective that wants easy and wants safe.  In God, there is always hope for the homesick heart! In God, there is always peace and purpose to be found in the suffering.

Suffering Well Part 3--The Road Home (Ruth)

I love the story of Ruth because it contains characters both transparent and strong. It opens as Naomi and Elimelech move their family, which initiated a season of suffering for Naomi. She  left her home, her familiar God-worshipping community, and her extended family because the rains had ceased, thirsty plants were wilting, cows were starving, and her family  was experiencing  hunger they couldn't ease. They landed in Moab, a culture flooded by pagan worship. I imagine Naomi hoped the move was temporary, just until the rains began to fall again. While in Moab, her husband died and her two sons married Moabite women, killing her hopes of returning home.

After ten years Naomi had buried her husband and both of her sons. Her grief was unbearable and she wanted to move back to Judah. She told her daughters-in-law to return to their families so they could remarry. At first both protested, but she reminded them she was too old to bear sons to be their husbands. In her pain, she shared she believed the hand of her God had come against her. The three wept together and Orpah rose, kissing Naomi's cheek she returned to her family. But Ruth refused to leave, declaring allegiance to Naomi and her God. I love that in the pain of widowhood Ruth was willing to go with her husband's mother. Maybe by holding on to Naomi she held on to a bit of her husband. Maybe she had grown to love Naomi and didn't want her to leave her alone. Maybe she simply wanted to serve the older woman who had suffered even more loss that she had. What ever her reason, Ruth went even though she knew she might not be accepted.

The two women arrived in Bethlehem as barley fields were ready to harvest. Naomi was remembered and greeted and grieving deeply she asked to be called Bitter. I love her honesty. I have had friends who buried children and their were times their sadness was so deep and so raw they could barely breathe. There were times their anger felt like it would erupt like a volcano. There were times the anger and grief resolved into shame because they believed, as Christians, they shouldn't grieve so deeply. Naomi shows us the way out of the pain and the bitterness. It is to acknowledging it and walk through it with compassionate people who don't judge.

Ruth volunteered to glean the fields of Naomi's extended family to provide for Naomi, Boaz showed her favor by providing safety as she gleaned and by arranging for her to glean extra barley. Naomi realized Boaz had been gracious and devised a plan, seeking Boaz as a kinsman redeemer. He agreed and Boaz and Ruth married and had a son who was in the lineage of Christ.

I love this story because it is an honest account of real people like you and me. Naomi, had faced so much hard she had become bitter and openly acknowledged it. I understand bitterness. I've experienced it--it is that slow burning anger and pervasive negative point of view that clouds the ability to see good that resides with the bad. It takes crazy courage to acknowledge it aloud and it takes even more courage to admit we've lost our way in the midst of pain that taints our view of God.

I admire Ruth, because she chose to follow a bitter woman to a different culture, even though she herself had suffered huge losses. She didn't let Naomi's bitterness deter her and didn't let Naomi's tainted view of God deter her from trusting Him. She didn't let Naomi's desire to push others away deter her from loving her with a steadfast love.

I love Boaz and his great big heart. He treated the foreign woman with kindness and integrity. In the face of all the kindnesses being shown her, Naomi had a choices to make. She could remain bitter, deep complaining, and keep pushing people away, or she could acknowledge the  kindnesses, plan for the future, and trust the sovereignty of her God. Despite her pain, Naomi chose to acknowledge the love and grace she was receiving. And out of that she healed enough to remember she could initiate the kinsman-redeemer process. As a result of her choice, Naomi had the joy of bouncing a grandson on her knee. I can't help but think Naomi really took her first step out of the sea of bitterness back in Moab. She knew she was returning to a culture that worshiped the God by whom she felt abandoned. To go home meant she would be forced to deal with her feelings about God. Each step towards home was a step towards God.

When we face the loss of people we love, the loss of security, the loss of possessions, the loss of health, or the loss of dreams and our pain runs raw and threads of bitterness dig deep, we too can choose to suffer well by choosing to take a step towards the Savior. Maybe our step is going to be going to church when we least feel like it. Maybe it is attending home group where it is hard to conceal the truth of who and where we are. Maybe it is reaching out to a friend and telling her the truth about the negative mess running through our head, the hot feelings overwhelming us, and the desire to give up. Those things may be the path that leads to our suffering well. For bringing our darkness into His light allows His light to dissipate the darkness inside. Being honest about pain is not just a protest of our reality, it is a declaration that we believe our God is big enough to bear our pain, understanding  enough to show us His grace, and faithful enough to comfort us with His love. Being transparent  exposes the lies tainting our views and allows us to realign our thinking with His. Moving towards God allows God to insert His joy in the midst of our hard. Moving towards God keeps us on the road home.

Suffering Well-- Part 2: A Man Like Joseph

There is a man named Jacob whose family was one hot mess. To start with he had fallen in love with a woman and worked seven years to marry her. But his father-in-law substituted his older daughter for the bride and he had to work another seven years for the one he loved. For several years the loved was barren and the unloved wife was birthing sons to earn love. Eventually there were twelve sons in all--two from the loved and 10 from the unloved.

So the family had two wives vying for one man's affection and Jacob who himself made some serious parenting mistakes. He loved one son, Joseph, more than his other sons and he made him a colorful coat, conveying his favoritism. Second, when Jacob sent his older sons out to tend sheep, he sent
Joseph to check on them and the reports he gave Jacob weren't always favorable and who likes a  tattle tale?.

Then there was a matter of dreams. God gave Joseph dreams, indicating his brothers would all bow in submission to him. Being 17, he did what teens would do--he bragged. In the midst of a family with two wives competing, a dad with rotten parenting skills, a son prone to bragging, and slew of sinful natures smoldering, the sibling rivalry grew into a great big, ugly hatred. 

After the coat giving, the dream bragging, and the hatred growing, Jacob sent Joseph once again to check on his brothers. When they saw him coming, they plotted to kill him and planned to tell their dad he was killed by an animal. But one brother with a smidgen  of integrity left suggested they  throw him in a pit instead. When Joseph arrived, they stripped him of his identity as the favored one when they stole his coat. They threw him into a pit and sat down to eat, which showed just how hard their hearts had become and how deeply rooted their hatred was When a caravan traveling to Egypt came, they pulled Joseph from the pit and sold him as a slave, showing his bloodied coat to their dad and Jacob grieved the grief parents grieve on losing a child.

That seems like enough hurt for one person to go through for a lifetime. But, there was more suffering in the story God penned. Joseph was bought by Potiphar, the captain of the guard and  Potiphar realized God was with Joseph and put him over his whole house. Potiphar's wife tries to seduce him and he runs away as she grabs his outer garment. Angered by  rejection,  she claimed he  attacked her and her lie lands Joseph in prison. He rose to leadership in the prison and ruled with integrity over other prisoners. Two prisoners dreamed dreams Joseph interpreted. One was released and promised to remember him, but didn't. Not until Pharaoh dreamed dreams no one in Egypt could  interpret. The freed prisoner tells about Joseph and Joseph is summoned to interprets the dreams that revealed seven years of plenty would be followed by seven years of famine. Pharaoh makes Joseph a ruler and tells him to prepare Egypt for the famine and he does.

As I read, I wished the story were written by a woman because a woman would have told us what Joseph thought and what he felt. But the story makes Joseph seem super human. Initially, we aren't told about his grief and I wonder if his grief  was overshadowed by his need to survive. We aren't told about anger that would kindle in a human heart betrayed by one's own flesh, that was falsely accused of rape, and that was forgotten and left in prison. Maybe it was because he focused on the steadfast love of God and His blessings that were poured out on him in each circumstance he faced.

As a human, Joseph had choices to make. He could put his eyes on the injustices he experienced and the suffering he endured or He could put them on God who was at work in His life. He could choose to focus on people who did him wrong and grow a hatred of his own or he could focus on God who is sovereign and in control of what appeared a mess. He could choose to lie in bed at night and plot the revenge his brothers deserved or allow God to fill him with peace and grace freeing him to be who God created him to be. He could focus on the mistakes his dad made, showing favoritism and asking him to tattle or he could choose to forgive. He could focus on his dream-bragging ways and hate himself or he could focus on Gods grace and allow Him to grow humility that could dissipate the pride that had dwelled in his young heart. 

We eventually get a glimpse of the pain Joseph endured. During the famine his brothers knocked on his  door to buy grain. He recognized them, but they didn't know him. Joseph devised a plan to get them to bring his youngest brother to him. When they returned he invited them to a feast. When Joseph saw Benjamin, he was overcome by emotion and ran from the room to weep. When he decided to tell his brothers, he was so overcome with emotion that he wept so loud the whole household of pharaoh heard him. He revealed his identity and his brothers returned home to bring their dad and their families to live in Egypt under Joseph's rule. Joseph extended them grace, telling them what they meant for evil, God meant for good.  

There are several things we can  take from Joseph's story. First, God's plans will not be thwarted by man's schemes. The brothers bowed to the bother they sold. A modern story that also reflects this truth  is the Jim Elliot and Steve Saint story. God sent them to people as His witness and the people  murdered them. But God wanted these people's hearts and sent their wives and families back and  used them and their grace to win the people's heart. That abuser. That user. That slanderer. That betrayer. That murderer. They cannot stop God's plans.

Second, no matter what circumstances we find ourselves in God is a God who blesses. God blessed Joseph in Egypt. He blessed him in Potiphar's house. He blessed him in prison. When we take our eyes off of our circumstances, off those who wrong us, off those who hate us, off of the disease we have, off the broken relationship that stings, off the job we lost, and put them on God we will be able to see God's blessings.  

Third, God may take us to some places we don't want to go, so He can bless people as He blesses us. Potiphar was blessed. The jailor was blessed. Joseph's family was blessed--all because God blessed Joseph. My friend Mary Esther was taken through a cancer battle with her two year old son and she kept her eyes on Jesus and experienced His blessings daily. As they sat with their son after surgery and through chemo, the medical staff, their friends, their church family also experienced the blessings with which God was blessing them. In addition, someone gave her a journaling Bible and she share the pictures she began drawing during that dark time and her journaling has gone viral. More and more people are being blessed by their story and just as Joseph's trust in God saved people, her trust is showing people the way they can be saved.    

Fourth, there is nothing wrong with grieving losses and expressing pain. Joseph held his pain close until he could contain it no more and he grieved long and hard right in front of this brothers. I have a hunch his pain did a lot more convicting than anger ever could have. His pain, the grief their father experienced, and their fear of retaliation may well have been the chisels God used to soften their stone cold hearts. 

Finally, there is  no offense so big that a heart in the hand of God can't forgive it. Joseph was hated. Joseph was thrown into a pit. Joseph was stripped of his identity. Joseph was taken from the pit only to be sold as a slave. Joseph taken to a foreign land, falsely accused of rape, cast into prison, and forgotten by someone he helped. Yet, he worked hard, rose to power, and saved lives, preserving the line of Jesus.

Suffering well allows God to do his work in us, in our families, in our church, in our community, and even in our nation. Suffering well allows us to experience God's love and blessing even in the hard. Suffering well allows us to see how God works in and through us. Suffering well produces patience, which endurance, which produces hope.

Suffering Well -- Part 1

"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings,

knowing that suffering produces endurance,

and endurance produces character,

and character produces hope,

and hope does not put us to shame,

because God's love has been poured in to our hearts

through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

Romans 5:3-5



We've had an increase in terrorists' attacks this last couple of years. At the end of last year a Russian plane was blown up, a violent attack occurred in Paris, and then one just a few hours away from me in San Bernardino. I happened to turn on the TV just as the last attack was being announced and watched the story unfold. I thought I was fine until I was driving to church and a large planed flew over me. It seemed to be flying lower than usual and all of a sudden I felt like that child growing up during the Cuban crisis. I remember the drills at school that were supposed to keep us safe in the wake of a nuclear attack and I remember sitting at the dinner table feeling the terror rising within as I heard jets flying over. I never said anything, but I always looked at my dad to see if he looked scared, but when he seemed calm I assumed we were safe. I recently talked to a counselor friend about the fear I was experiencing and asked him if he were experiencing fear as well. In the course of the conversation he said something that resonated with my heart. He said his prayer wasn't the avoidance of suffering, but that if he had to suffer, He would suffer well.

The thought resonated with me because I realized had prayed that same prayer during different  circumstances. I prayed that prayer when friends buried young children, finding comfort and hope in Christ. If I were to lose one of my children, I want to suffer well and find my hope in Jesus. That doesn't mean I would not grieve, but that I would grieve with hope as someone fully assured of life eternal. I have prayed that prayer as I watched people suffering an illness like cancer as they  found  comfort and hope in God in the midst of the pain they experienced and the very real possibility of  dying grew. If I were to become terminally ill, I want to suffer well so that nothing in my suffering would cause another to turn away from God. I have prayed that prayer when I saw others living with chronic pain, I prayed it because I tend to get angry when I experience bouts of arthritis and desire to be a person who can find comfort in Jesus and I want to reflect my Jesus to others even in the midst of discomfort and the exhaustion that comes from living with pain. I have prayed that prayer when I watched others go through a season of financial insecurity. If that happens to us, I want to suffer well, maintain integrity, and cling to God who promises to provide. I don't want my fears, my reactions, my actions, or my bouts with unbelief to keep others from coming to my Jesus.

I've read a lot about the refugees and people's reactions to them being placed in our country and I confess the idea scares me. How will we know who is a believer in need of shelter and who is a person planning carry out an attack. After praying about it, I did not come up with the solution, but I did come up with a conviction--I don't want my fear to govern my actions and responses to those seeking asylum. I want Jesus, His will for me, His will for our country, and His will for refuges to be what prevails. That means if He calls me to witness to someone who may or may not be a terrorist, I want to obey rather than giving into my fear. I pray that if I or someone I love is tortured or killed that I would suffer well that others would come to know Christ through the suffering. Others coming to Christ is really what matters and it doesn't matter if it is by my life or my death. I don't want to treat another human being with hatred because of the fear that dwells in this human heart of mine. I want to overcome the fear and extend compassion and love to whom ever God will it. I am not by nature a bold person. I have loads of fear and voice many "buts" and "what if's" to God--What if a culture of men who has not been raised to honor women do harm to wives and daughters here? What if the person claiming to be a refugee is a terrorist who plans to blow up a community? What if a terrorist in disguise as a refugee kills my kids or grandkids? Then I realized the alternative is to allow the slaughtering of other people's children because they have declare the name of Jesus and I want to live brave and moving beyond the fears that dwell deep! All I know to do right now is pray that God will make His will clear, that He will give me the courage to obey, and that if suffering occurs He would enable me to suffer well so others believe.

I fear we're a culture who wants easy. We don't share Christ because we're afraid to offend or afraid of persecution. We don't stay in difficult marriages, because it's hard work and often painful. We don't want to work on the painful baggage we carry from the past because facing the stories we've lived causes exposes the pain we avoid through denial, addictions, eating disorders, pornography use, and business. Yet, we really are suffering silently as we are governed by our efforts to forget. We change friends often because we don't like working through the painful parts that come with loving well.

There are times we even blame God for our suffering when it is really is because of choices we've made. Sarah was such a person. She experienced suffering not of her own doing as a barren woman living in a culture that worshipped fertility. After God promised her and Abraham a baby, she grew weary of waiting and gave her Egyptian handmaiden to her husband to have a baby in her place. The suffering she endured because of the situation was her own doing, not God's. I've heard single pregnant women ask how God could do "this" to them. The "this" they were referring to is an unplanned pregnancy. God didn't do it to them, it was a consequence of the choices they made. Some illnesses we suffer with are the result of being in a fallen world and others are the result of the choices we make--aides, venereal diseases, cirrhosis, and some forms of skin cancer. 

The Word makes it clear that God knows the suffering of His people. It makes it clear that sometimes He even allows suffering to draw us to Him. We also know that Jesus responded with compassion to those who suffered and in response He healed bodies, cast out demons, fed multitudes, and raised Lazarus from the dead. He even confronted religious leaders who burdened people with unnecessary laws and kept them from coming to Him. He even suffered a painful death for us so we wouldn't bear the wrath of God for our sin. The suffering we experience now is nothing compared to the glory that will be revealed in the future. Paul made it clear that there will be suffering when the Gospel is lived. The verses above tell us we should even rejoice in suffering because it produces endurance which produces character which produces hope because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit. As we go through fearful times, I can't help but wonder if the way to navigate them is to sit in His presence and bask in His love so that we can be among those who suffer well as suffering does its work in us and those around us. Over the next few weeks I plan to study different people in the Bible who suffered well--Joseph, Ruth, Daniel, Stephen, Paul, and Jesus. I hope you will find it encouraging to look at their lives...in the mean time be strong and of good courage, our God is always with us and He is mighty to save!

 

What Hinders the Giving of Grace?

I believe that one of the most important, ongoing lessons in my walk with God has been learning to be a giver of grace. The definition of grace is "the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings." Some synonyms used to clarify grace are dignify, distinguish, honor, favor, enhance, and glorify. The Bible says Jesus was full of both grace and truth and that from His fullness we have received grace upon grace. To be a believer is to be a recipient of endless grace and to be like Jesus is to be a giver of such grace.

Just by its definition we know that grace can't be earned. It is something that we are freely given and it is something we are to freely give. Grace can take on all sorts of forms. It can look like a gentle confrontation, especially when we are tempted to be harsh. An example of this might be the spouse who is struggling behaves in a hurtful manner. A wife can choose to confront harshly, or she can choose to not personalize her husband's actions and gently point out his behavior, asking him if everything is okay. Grace may be confronting a hurtful pattern of sin in a loving way that includes a declaration of love and commitment. Grace may also look like the extension of forgiveness for a wrong done, hurtful words spoken, or a contemptuous attitude. None of us deserves grace when we mistreat one another, but it something that Christ has shown us and something He calls us to do as well. Grace can also look like choosing to blessing another with kind words and encouragement, comforting another in loss, and choosing to honor someone because of the position God has bestowed on them. Blessing often helps to bestow the dignity, the honor, and the favor that has been stripped by living in a broken, sin-filled world neglect, strife, and hate are rampant.

I've been doing some soul searching and realized there are several things that hinder my  ability to give grace. The first one is that in emotional moments I just forget. I forget who I was before I trusted Christ as my Savior. I forget His shed blood that purchased my salvation. I forget who He says I am now. When I get hurt, I tend to focus on the pain I'm experiencing and the truth fades to the background and I tend to react instead of being proactive, prayerful, and thoughtful in my responses to life and to people. When I feel anger surfacing, I find myself filling with shame and respond to this shame in a couple of different ways. Sometimes I respond by hiding, which hinders the giving of grace because grace can only be experienced and given in the context of relationship. At other times anger stirs my human pride and I begin to ruminate on the wrong another has done and believe I deserve better. This is when I tend to act out of who I was before Jesus saved me and  I lash out and wound the one who is wounding me. When I forget or let my human pride rule, the other person's offense grows exponentially in my mind until it consumes me. On the other hand, when I remember all those sins I have sinned--the ugly thoughts, the thoughtless words, the rude behaviors, the withdrawing of my heart from others, the unbelief, the mistrust, and the hurtful defense mechanisms that ruled my life for so long--the other person's sin shrinks by comparison and God's grace is what grows big enough in my heart to give away and grace begets grace. 

Another hindrance to giving grace is the strong desire I have to protect my heart from more pain. I went through some things earlier in life that left me deeply wounded. At the time, I didn't know how to deal with the pain of those things so I buried it. Every time someone did something even a little bit hurtful this great big pain would surface along with the new pain. I even got to a place I believed I couldn't survive the experience of any more pain. So I isolated and distanced myself from others who hurt me. I ruminated on the offenses, held grudges, and hid behind a wall of anger I turned inward until I at some point it would explosively spew all over those I cared about. After I worked on those early wounds, I found I could feel the pain of the present which occurs in ordinary relationships and move past it so I could be a giver of grace.

Another hindrance I found was that in the busyness of life and the disconnection that comes with  technology it is easy for me to reduce a person to nothing but the behavior I see. Not knowing someone's heart, not knowing their story, not knowing their pain, and not knowing their desires makes it so easy to judge someone as the sum total of their actions. But when I really know someone I can find it easier in my heart to have compassion on the person who has been unkind. When I know their struggle, I can offer support. When I know their hurting heart, I can be tender. When I know they are repentant, I can be more patient as they are transformed and learn to live out of the person God has created them to be. When I know and accept that I am just as broken as they, I can be and less judgmental and give grace. 

Finally, another thing that hinders my ability to extend grace is not spending enough time with God in my every day life. When I spend time in His Word and read the stories of others who walked with Him before me, it is like looking in a mirror and having a reminder of my failures, my weakness, and my redemption. I am also reminded how deeply God loves and can quit trying to extract perfect love from imperfect people. I am reminded of the grace required at my salvation and the grace that every other person craves to experience. As I read familiar stories, I am reminded of loving people who  have extended grace to me and impacted my life in huge big ways--the pastors who taught me grace and answered Bible questions tirelessly, my Aunt Earline who lived in such a way I wanted the Jesus she had, the spiritual mom who loved me unconditionally and spoke truth into my life as she  tirelessly shared her life with me and my friends, my friend who wrote me my first encouragement note telling me how beautifully she thought God had created me, the friends who have searched the Scriptures with me and showed me Jesus with skin on, my friend who encouraged me to write and to start the next book and the next, the Christian counselors who heard my story and let me talked through the pain and challenged me to let Jesus define me instead of the past, the daughter who encouraged me to do what God calls me to do and not to listen to the naysayers who didn't believe God was big enough to do the work He does through me, and my young friend who often reminds me that I am not invisible--these and many more are the graces of which the Lord has showered me. So often as I read the Word, I remember conversations with them centered around the verses I am reading and it brings joy to my heart. Walking closely with the Giver of Grace allows us to be a free-flowing conduits of the very Grace He has given us.  Grace received and grace given is the way dignity, honor, favor, and glory is bestowed on people who were disgraced and marred by sin.

This Thing We Call Joy

"Looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith,

who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross,

despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."

Hebrews 12:2 

I 've had a few friends that are what call joyful souls. I envy them a bit because they wake up happy and remain that way most of the day. If something uncomfortable or hurtful  happens, they seem to recover quickly and return to joy with out much ado. Their thoughts are usually on the positive side. But this girl isn't like them. I wake up so slowly that when I first got married, my husband often asked me if I was upset about something. Over the years I learned to wake up earlier than everyone so I could have coffee, spend time with the Lord, and go for a walk so I was capable of smiling and conversing when my family woke up. 

Several years ago I realized every winter I was finding it harder and harder to get up and was experiencing less and less joy. Eventually I was diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). The treatment is to simply sit in front of a full spectrum light for a period of time each day during the winter months. I hadn't realized how much the light  helps until my light burned out. Before I knew it, I was feeling gloomy and struggling  with negative thoughts that kept running through my head. It took so much work to find joy. I knew the light would help so I ordered another one and took steps to manage my mood as I waited for it to arrive. I chose to quit shaming myself for the struggle and embraced the way God made me, even though it included a brain needing extra light to function normally. I chose to rest adequately, eat healthier, and counter negative thoughts with the truth. In essence, I chose to be kind and gracious with myself. When the light arrived and my mood lightened, I realized how hard I had to work to find joy. My time without the light reminded me that depression isn't just the  experience of sadness or grief or having a "bad" day. It is a change in brain chemistry that impacts emotions, energy level, and thought processes, making it difficult to find joy in one's every day life.   

Because I experienced SAD this year, I found myself pondering this thing we call joy. Joy is defined as great happiness and pleasure, especially of a spiritual kind. I looked up some verses that speak of joy. Many of the verses were in relationship to military victories that Israel had over other nations. They were so joyful that people wrote songs to commemorate battles won and they sang as they danced in celebration, praising God for the victories He gave.

King David spoke of joy in the Psalms in relationship to knowing God and the knowledge that He is in control even during difficult seasons of life. When he poured out his heart to God, He spoke of joy of abiding in God, resting beneath His wings, knowing His word, and being blessed by Him. He spoke of the joy that comes in the morning during hard times.

Not all joy was centered around exciting things like winning battles. Hebrews 10:34  says  Hebrew believers found joy even when their property was plundered because they knew they have a better possession stored up for them. Even James tells us to count it all joy when we face various trials. Maybe James gave this advice because he understood people would be able to understand the love and sacrifice of Jesus through suffering they endured. Maybe he knew they would be able to see God work in and though them as they navigated difficult times and believe me the early church went through all sorts of growing pains, persecution and hardship. He may have also known that treasures are found in faithfully navigating the hard--treasures like special knowledge of God and His plans, a deeper understanding of spiritual matters, and a deeper intimacy that results when people walk with Him through difficult, painful times.

The verse that has helped me the most over the years when I have needed to fight for joy is the verse at the top of the blog. Jesus was even able to find joy when He was facing the end of His life. That sounds simplistic and like one of those religious platitudes we all hate having thrown at us when we are suffering. But, if we think of all that He faced during His final days it isn't simplistic at all. He was rejected and hated by the religious leaders of His day. He was often misunderstood by the crowds and when He went to the Garden to pray, He took three of the disciples that He was closest to. Even after telling them He felt so much sorrow He felt like dying they kept falling asleep as He prayed. I can't imagine feeling any more alone than that. The Bible also tells us Jesus experienced so much anguish that His sweat was tinged with blood. Then when He was arrested, it was based on false charges as he was betrayed and deserted by his disciples. The trials he endured in the middle of the night were illegal and not based on truth. The crowds he had preached to chanted for His death, He was beaten, disrobed, and crowned with a crown made of thorns and cruelly nailed to a cross. As God, He knew what He was facing. Yet, we are told for the joy set before Him He chose to lay down His life for us. I am sure that He found joy in being obedient to God and to be once again at the right hand of His Father. But I also think that a part of the joy He saw before Him was the joy of presenting His bride--the church--to His Father. He purchased us out of the slave market of sin with His own blood and in doing so He reconciled us to God by faith.

So, what can we learn from all of this? First, when their is a spiritual victory, we should celebrate big! We can sing songs welling up with in our hearts and dance like nobody is looking as we praise God for His goodness. I remember one youth pastor that literally ran out of a room full of students and did cartwheels and summersaults and shouted for joy because some of the students accepted Christ. I can't help but think we should all respond in the same way when someone comes to know Jesus and is translated from the Kingdom of Darkness in to God's glorious Kingdom of Light, is baptized to show their commitment to follow Him, resists a besetting sin, is emotionally healed, answers the calling God has made on their his life, or when someone gives testimony to the activity of God in their lives.

Second, we can choose to live with an eternal perspective like those who joyfully accepted the news their land had been plundered. Not getting a dream home pales when we think of the place that Jesus, Himself, is preparing for us. The fickle human love doesn't bother us so much when we keep in mind the deep, sacrificial love of God. The sorrow we face in this life doesn't compare to the joy we will face when we at last see Jesus. Our perspective during tough  times is drastically changed when we remember this world--this life isn't all there is. We have eternity to look forward to--eternity where love never fails and where there is no more sorrow, no more death, no more illness, no more sin, and no more pain.

Finally, there seems to be a lasting joy that comes from obeying God when it is difficult to do. Others may criticize us, dislike us, and persecute us, but if we know we've obeyed Him in the hard and have suffered well, we are graced with His joy--a joy that is not the fleeting joy that comes with happy circumstances, but a long lasting joy, knowing we have honored and glorified our King. That is a joy no one can steal. This thing we call joy is our gift to claim and at times may have to fight to keep, but it will always be found when living with an eye on eternity.    

Struggling to Love Well

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.
It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful,
it does not rejoice at wrong doing, but rejoices with the truth.
Love bears all things, believes all things,
hope all things, endures all things. Love never ends."

1Corinthians 13:4-8a  

 

Love is a concept that is hard to express. Because of this the Greek Language had many words used to describe different kinds of love. One word was used for sexual love, one for friendship, one for relational comfort, and still another for sacrificial love. As I have shared before, I realized years ago that I didn't know how to love God with all of my heart, mind, and soul and I was frustrated at my inability to love people well. I wanted to love, but fear, self-centeredness, self-protection, and a lack of compassion seemed to get in the way.

As I studied the Scriptures pertaining to love, God reminded me of the verse that says we love because He first loved us. I realized then that it is God who fills our empty hearts with love and enables us to love well. Before I understood this, I had spent a lot of time trying to earn love from people as well as God, not realizing Christ had already demonstrated God's love to me through Christ's death. The love I was so desperately trying to earn and trying to muster up to give away was something I already possessed. I had stronghold that caused me to believe I was unloved. It's sad that I didn't enjoy His love simply because of my own unbelief.  

I realized to love God and others I had to first believe God's love for me was real, tangible,  and  personal. As I spend time in His word, I am filled with His love and I am able to love others better. Sometimes I mistakenly think I am getting this love thing down and then God has me spend time with a group of people, which then reveals how far I still have to go to consistently love as He loves. Sometimes it's a ministry opportunity that He gives me and I find myself sitting across from a woman telling her story. As an outsider, it's easy to see how she hurts herself by believing lies and making the choices she makes. Sometimes, I get glimpses of how she is also hurting her family and I can find myself getting impatient and angry with her. I realize there is a righteous anger, but it doesn't take much for a judgmental spirit to meld righteous anger into unholy disdain. If I allow that to happen because I fail to stay connected to God, the love the lady desperately needs to experience is unavailable, the grace she needs to be bathed in is overshadowed by harshness, and the truth she needs to discover sure isn't flowing from  my mouth.

I think many of us experience this struggle with loving well during the holidays as we spend time with extended family.  We so often find it easier to be loving towards friends than towards family.  There are several reasons for this. First, maybe it's because we think we know each other better than we do. The reality is we are all individuals with differing personalities and experiences. In addition, the longer we've been apart from family new experiences and new people have continued to mold us individually, some positively and some negatively.

Second, we often have unfinished emotional business from the past and we tend to view each other through lenses that we developed growing up. We have a hard time seeing things as they actually are.
Our views are tainted by what we already believe.

Third, most of us didn't learn to set boundaries in families of origin and we allow each other get away with disrespectful and rude behavior. We know full well we would not treat co-workers or friends the way we treat family members; nor, would we judge friends as harshly as we do siblings. Most of us as kids weren't taught to handle conflict respectfully and because of this there are often deep wounds unhealed. Most of us weren't allowed to confront rude or wounding behaviors and if we tried to address such things we were told to suck it up, to forgive, or to quit being so sensitive. Now either shame or pride keeps us from having healing conversations, talking about pain that is being currently inflicted, and wanting to look more together than we really are.  

I, for one, often come out of the holidays with a heavy heart because I know I didn't love as well as I wanted to. I experienced and expressed impatience and frustration. I didn't speak the truth as lovingly as I desired. I participated in unkind gossip. I know the disappoint I feel is because I use the Scripture as a bar to measure how well I love. God describes love with some "is's," some "is not's." some "does not's," and some "does." As the verse above states: Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not envious. Love is not boastful. Love is not arrogant. Love is not rude. Love is not irritable. Love is not resentful. Love does not rejoice in wrong doing. Love does rejoice with truth. Love does bear all things. Love does hope all things. Love does endure all things. Love does not end...mmmm....sounds a lot like the way Jesus loves.

I know during the holidays there were times my lack of love was obvious because it came out in impatient or harsh words. It came out in my actions when I left the room to keep from spouting angry words or made sarcastic statements followed by a laugh to make it look like a joke. It came out in my lack of attention when someone was speaking to me. There were other times my lack of love may have been invisible to others, but believe me I was wrestling with it in my heart, which is impatience, arrogance, irritability, and resentful thoughts masked behind a smile.

There is a fleshly part of me that simply wants to avoid big family functions and some ministry events to avoid the guilt and shame that comes from loving so poorly. But the Word says, "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I am nothing." This tells me that the books I've written, the sacrifices I've made, the money and gifts given are all nothing if I don't choose to love well. The truth is that it is impossible to learn to love well by isolating. I have to rub shoulders with others in order for my sinful and unloving ways to be exposed, confessed, and changed. But, so often instead of embracing exposure, I find myself wanting to blame others. I find myself wanting to criticize instead of dealing with my impatience, unkindness, envy, arrogance, and resentment. I find myself wanting to point out others' flaws instead of dealing with the my own blaring flaws revealed by interactions. I confess I sometimes want to walk away instead of facing the truth of how little it takes to not be willing to bear with another or give up the hope that a relationships can change, grow, or flourish with a bit of humility and work on my part. I am a person who desires quick fixes and instant gratification, but the truth is in this broken world relationships aren't easy because they are laden with emotional baggage and hot buttons easily pushed. It isn't easy for me who wants control so I can protect my heart, preserve my pride, and deflect the pain I hate to experience.

I often ask myself how I can love better. There are some things I've come up with--some practical and some of a more spiritual nature. First, I can eat healthy, get plenty of sleep, and exercise. This helps me to deal with the anxiety that rises in social settings. We don't like to admit it, but our bodies, souls, and spirits are intricately connected and impact how we relate in huge ways. As an introvert, I also know that I can take breaks when I feel depleted.

Second, I can check my expectations at the door of every meeting and social setting. That means I give up the right of expecting others to be a certain way, choosing, instead, to accept them as they really are. It means I give up the expectations I have of how I think we will relate and/or interact and accept the truth of where we are in our relationship at any given moment. It also means I look to God, not the other person to fix pain, resolve loneliness, and fill my love-starved heart.

Third, I give up the right to judge and choose to be curious about other people. Often their behavior is driven by what they have experienced, what they fear, or what they desire. If I am curious and ask more questions, I may understand a person better and have more compassion and be more caring in my interactions with them. I may also have the opportunity to be a conduit of grace, love, and healing for him or her.

Fourth, if I feel God leading me to speak His truth into a situation I can choose to take time to pray about it, choose the timing carefully, and choose to do so in a loving manner.

Fifth, I can choose to live loved. This means that I choose to connect daily with God and let Him fill me with His love. When I do that, I am more confident, content, and kind. When I do that, I am more patient, kind, and forgiving. When I do that, I am less confused, not as easily wounded, and not as offended by thoughtless comments, relational neglect, or careless actions. When I do that I am more concerned with a person's heart than how they treat me. When I do that, I am more about giving love than trying to extract it from others.

Sixth, I can choose to live graced. In this life I know I'll always love imperfectly. I can choose to wallow in my failure or I can choose to live life in faith, graced by God so I can seek forgiveness,  love even when it is messy, and move past my failures. When I do this, I'm more apt to extend grace. When I do this, I am able to value relationships enough to do the hard work they take. When I do this I become more like Jesus than at any other time.

So, living isolated is not an option for this Christ follower! He set the example of love by leaving the Safe love He knew from eternity to live relationally with people like us. He walked with, talked with, and ministered to broken people with a bent to sin. He shared His heart, confronted, encouraged, and bore their sin in His body, and ultimately sacrificed His life for them and for us. Comfort wasn't His goal, love was. Even when He was misunderstood, rejected, and slandered, He still loved.

The prayer of my heart this year will be: "Lord help me to recognize your love and fill me with it. Please give me the desire, the ability, and the wisdom to love others well. Help me to love You with all of my heart, my mind, my soul, and my might. Help me to love others with the same sacrificial love you showed me."