Faith that Sees Beyond Circumstances

Sometimes I forget that as a believer I am called to live life from an eternal perspective. When I forget, I'm prone to take my eyes off God, putting them on circumstances--circumstances that overwhelm, circumstances that terrify, and circumstances that out right confuse me. And when my eyes are on circumstances, my doubts diminishes my faith and I find myself responding to my circumstances from a place of doubt-induced fear instead of a place of faith-built courage.

As I was reading Romans 4 and I came across some verses about Abraham I found intriguing. Verses 18-21 say, "In hope he believed against hope, that he should become the father of many nations, as he had been told, "So shall your offspring be." He did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body which was as good as dead (since he was a hundred years old), or when he considered the barrenness of Sarah's womb. No unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised." (The Holy Bible: English Standard Version. (2016). Wheaton: Standard Bible Society.

I've grown to love Abraham and Sarah's story. When God first spoke to them, they were old and barren, living in the midst of a culture that worshiped fertility gods. Because of the value their culture placed on fertility, barren women like Sarah were disgraced in the eyes of others and their infertility viewed as proof the gods found them defective and/or sinful. Then God called Abraham and Sarah out of that culture, promising them a new land and a son who would be the first of many heirs.

I can't imagine being in their shoes. Having lived with the pain and the shame induced by infertility, they had already passed through years that should have been fertile and had come to the age that they could begin to accept the finality of dreams lost and longings unfulfilled. But, God stirred the proverbial pot. He promised an heir and planted another seed of hope in the heart of a wife whose whose dead  womb was now menopausal and in the heart of a husband so aged he was as good as dead in a reproductive sense. What could they have thought when God began to speak to them of offspring?

Abraham, the one called the father of faith, had a choice to make when God spoke. He could keep his eyes on what he could see--two wrinkly worn out bodies that even in their prime had never conceived or he could focus on what God said and believe God could and would renew their bodies to fulfill His promise. He chose to exercise faith in God and His ability to fulfill the promises He makes. Over time he became more and more certain that what God said was more true than the facts that lay before him. He made a decision to place full his confidence in God--the God who spoke the world into place. The God who hung the stars in space. The God who filled the oceans with fish , the sky with birds, and the land with vegetation and animals. The God who had breathed life into dust to form Adam, and the same God who had now called Abraham by name. He became certain that what God spoke would come to be.

Ten years passed from the time the promise was given. And in that ten years Abraham's faith was strengthened until he was fully persuaded God could and God would do what He promised. God used the moments doubt crept into to Abraham's mind to strengthen his faith. The word waver in the verses above means to act as a judge and to pass judgement on something. When Abraham was tempted to look at his or Sarah's bodies or ponder their ages, he had to choose again and again whether to judge God's ability with God's Words and God's power by what he knew of the Creator. Had Abraham judged God's ability only by what he saw, he would have concluded the chance of God fulfilling the promise was slim. After all they were beyond childbearing years, they had never seen God do anything like this before, and they knew no human being in their right mind would believe they could conceive. He had many human reasons not to take God at His Word, but he chose to not judge God's ability by what he could see. He chose to judge it based on God's character. Abraham's faith was strengthened when He focused on God's power. The more he saw the truth of who he and Sarah were and the truth of who God was, the more persuaded he became.

Faith can either be strong or weak, depending on how we view God. If we view Him as weak and impotent in comparison to our circumstances our faith will be weak. But if we view Him as the Word describes Him--all-powerful, all-knowing, sovereign, and loving--our faith will grow exponentially until we are fully convinced He can and will do what He says He will do.

There was nothing in their aged bodies, their experiences, and their strong desire for a child that could strengthen their faith. All of those things had left them childless. It was only Abraham's choosing to trust in God that gave him a strong faith--faith that was counted to him as righteousness, faith that resurrected their dead bodies to reproduce. Every little wrinkle and every little ache that of their joints that comes with age during the ten years of waiting for a promise fulfilled was an opportunity to purged every doubt that they tore at their God-confidence. Abraham came to understand that he and Sarah were powerless and God was not. And in that truth, he rested.

I think God was very purposeful in choosing a barren, centurion couple to bless with a baby. In choosing them, He revealed Himself as the Creator of life, the giver of hope, and the mighty God who brings dead bodies to life. God had delayed Isaac's birth so He could reveal Himself and His power to two hurting people in the middle of a pagan world. Maybe he delayed it for our benefit as well. To walk by faith, we must say, "Lord, I believe You! I refuse to live life from a perspective of what I see. I choose to live in light of what You say and what You have shown yourself to be. I choose to take every thought captive when I become confused as Your Words are truth and wisdom. I am weak and powerless, but You are mighty and have all things under control. I choose see life through Your eternal perspective."

I choose faith in Christ because it's a faith that sees beyond the circumstances to what God can do.      

Navigating Disgusting Times in a Godly Way

I was going to blog more on things God never said. But last week Trump's video stirred my heart in another direction. I've been victimized by that type of behavior. To get to my locker in high school, I had to pass a line of boys leaning against the wall looking girls over as they passed. And as the girl's PE teacher's assistant I was left alone in her office and several football players came in to talk. At first the conversation was fun, but it turned ugly as they crudely discussed someone's sexual conquest in graphic terms. I tried to take a stand, but the talk continued. I finally looked at one of the guys I respected who had a girlfriend who was beautiful inside and out and asked, "How would you feel if they were talking about your girlfriend like this?" He hung his head. So, I shook my head and went to the library. The teacher told my mom I disappeared and my mom told me not to leave like that. What my parents and teacher didn't know is I had already experienced sexual assault--the first time at the age of four and the guy's comments fed the shame birthed through abuse and fueled the hatred I felt toward my body. That shame that hindered me from feeling righteous anger that could have enabled me to more assertively confront the "Locker Room Talk."

Then during college our campus had several rapes reported and I was nervous when I left class after dark and walked to my dorm alone. One night when I got near the cafeteria, a group of athletes had gathered and one whistled and I started walking faster. Then the whole group started whistling and calling out things I didn't want to hear so I didn't respond and they began to curse me, getting louder and more verbally aggressive. During that time dates also ended in wrestling matches where "no's" weren't respected and shaming words were spewed when I wanted to go home. Guys exposed themselves and girls were groped in cafeteria lines. I didn't invite unwanted attention. I didn't give consent for touch. I didn't ask to hear the crude things spewed at me. I know women who have experienced this in work places and in churches as well. For awhile, I believed being born woman meant I had to bear with men's bad behavior and assume partial or full responsibility for it.

Even after marriage my husband's dad made comments about women's bodies and about my body in particular. His were along the line of breast size, booty size, and being too fat--too fat at 120, too fat pregnant, and too fat post pregnancy. People said it was no big deal, just to forgive him. But it never stopped and the problem was that he was constantly looking at my body, leaving me uncomfortable being a woman. That is not okay! I also had a male doctor grope a breast as he commented about the milk that size breast could produce. I had another male doctor whose time was more valuable than my comfort who sewed me up after childbirth without numbing me. He ignored my pleas to stop as he caused more traumatizing pain to an area of my body already hurting. A year later I had a panic attack as I walked in for my yearly check up and left. I avoided doctors for years until friends helped me find compassionate men and women and counselors taught me how to change doctors when doctors didn't listen to my voice.

Please hear my words! 

EVERY LEER, EVERY WORD INAPPROPRIATELY SPOKEN, EVERY ACT OF ABUSE, AND EVERY ACT AND ATTITUDE THAT SHOWED A LACK OF COMPASSION BY PROFESSIONAL MEN MATTERED. 

It mattered because it shaped my view of God, others, and myself in negative ways. It impacted my ability to give and receive love. It impaired my ability to trust even good men and women who meant no harm. The rape culture took away my voice and made me feel unsafe in my own skin. It hindered my ability to embrace the beauty of being created a woman and all of the joy that comes with that.    

I for one am not surprised by Trump's tape; it totally fits with the character he has had on display over the years. We must remember Trump's words were more than words; they were a revelation of sexual assault. He is either lying now or he in some sick way thought he would look better in another man's eyes if he bragged about assaulting women. Either is sick. I find myself wondering why a guy like him and a man like my father-in-law think they are qualified to judge the value and worth of women by appearance.

We've had a lot of bad behavior from presidents over the years. So, I get why some think its okay to vote for him. But I become enraged when people, especially believers, negate what he said to justify voting for him. I get even more enraged when they try to guilt, manipulate, and shame others into voting for him as well, especially when throw in that Trump claims he is against abortion. As a survivor, I will not let anyone emotionally or spiritually abuse me by using guilt, shame, fear, or manipulation to get me to vote for any candidate.

I will pray and I will seek God's wisdom and I will vote as He leads me. I wish we could have healthy, godly  conversations about political issues so we can solve horrible problems like abortion, illegal immigration, terrorism, and refugees in need. I wish we could share information without coloring it and misquoting people and spinning the truth to get votes. Yesterday I listened to two videos side by side of Trump and Clinton speaking on immigration and the truth is they agree on that issue when they are not misquoting each other or putting words into each others mouths!

There is a high correlation between abortion and sexual abuse, rape, and the demeaning of women. I hate abortion with a passion. I held my granddaughter when she weighed two pounds and was fighting for her life, wondering how anyone could believe a baby at six months gestation is only tissue. Her gold-spun hair, her precious personality, her expressions, and her fight to live were proof she was human, not tissue. Her coming out of the womb didn't change her from a blob to a baby and I hate it that women are being lied to about that. There are a lot of things we need to change to change our abortion culture. One of them is the rape culture in which we live.

We desperately need men who passionately love God to rise up with integrity and pursue purity to say no more to this rape culture! We need men to understand the rape culture is not harmless! We need them to commit to treating women with kindness, respect, and care. We need them to hold themselves and each other accountable to godly character, behavior, and conversations. We need them to obey the Scriptures and speak words that build up those who hear. We need them to realize it is more manly to respect women than it is to participate in vulgar speech. We need them to realize they are never more attractive than when they teach their sons to respect their moms, sisters, daughters, grandmothers, and granddaughters. We need men to rise up and teach their sons that they aren't victims to their bodies and they can be attracted to women and still treat them with respect and remain pure. Believers don't have the right to ask for sex before marriage and sure don't have the right to touch without consent. As God's image bearers, men do not have the right to look women up and down and leer at them and make lewd comments. We need men to show their daughters how good men act so they don't settle for anything less than a good man.

We women are not off the hook either. We are buying into the rape culture when we get our value and worth from the attention of men. We need to go against culture and carry ourselves in ways that commands respect. We need to guard our hearts and be sure our behavior and words gives a clear messages for our desire for pure, godly relationships. We need to rise up and teach out daughters to find their worth and value in Christ, not in boys who aren't mature enough to always make the best decisions. We need to protect them from abuse. We need to believe them when abuse occurs and care for them even if it exposes family, church, friends, or teachers so they can move past it and not let it define them. We need to teach our daughters that it is okay for girls to say, "No!" It is okay for girls to break up with a boy who is pressuring them. It is okay to ask to be taken home if boundaries aren't respected. We need to teach daughters that no job and no man is worth selling out our integrity. We need to teach our daughters that it is not rude to disengage from conversation that aren't safe and godly. We need to teach our daughters to not to contribute to the tearing down of women by participating in bullying. We need to teach our daughters to respect their fathers, grandfathers, brothers and sons. We need to teach our daughters that it is more godly to work together at changing the rape culture than finding power over it by becoming abusers.

We need to teach our sons and our daughters that men and women were created to complement each other in function and in relationship, but that we were created to find our completion only in Christ.

So, how do we navigate these disgusting times? We stand for truth--all of it! We seek God's wisdom. We don't guilt or shame others into voting our way and we don't let others guilt or shame us into voting in a way that violates our conscience. Finally, we choose to trust God's sovereignty.

As Max Lucaddo said in a recent post, on November 9 God will still be in charge and His throne will still be occupied. His providence never has, doesn't now, and never will depend on the president of the United States. God has used pagan kings in the past and can certainly use pagan presidents in ways we can't even imagine. He has already used Trump's own words to help scores of women find their voice and tell their stories of abuse for the first time. God can humble prideful leaders as he did Nebuchadnezzar.

Resting in God's sovereignty restores a sense of peace. It restores peace in our relationships when we accept that God is sovereign no matter how you or I vote and that neither of our votes will dethrone the King of kings. God is the only being worth trusting and maybe, just maybe, one of the reasons we're stuck with two immoral people vying for office is that God wants us to see His goodness, wants to see where our lack of integrity can take us, and wants us to recognize He is God and they are not. We do have the responsibility to educate ourselves best we can, but the bottom line is: God is still in control! To live like I believe that truth is the way for me to navigate these disgusting times in a godly way.

Words God Never Spoke--Part 1

Sometimes I click on links to watch clips of teachers I admire. And sometimes those links lead me to other links of people I've not listened to before. It was in that manner I stumbled on a clip of a talk given by Abi Stumvoll titled, "Words God Never Says to Us." That clip brought back so many memories of the struggle I had with learning to fully trust God. Over the next few weeks I will be writing about words I believed God said, but were words God never spoke. Today I am going to talk about the words, "Be Good and I will Bless You," and "Be Good and I will Love You." 

Some of the struggle I've had over the years with trust issues came from not growing up in a church-attending family. We didn't discuss sermons over Sunday dinner and my childish misinterpretations of what I heard went unchecked, leaving me to create my own system of theology and what a sick, shaming system it became. We also didn't discuss the Bible as a family. So, when I was reading it on my own, I didn't always interpret it correctly; I interpreted it through a distorted view of God in which I viewed Him as distant, angry, and impossible to please.

Because we didn't discuss Bible things at home, I often asked Sunday School teachers questions. Most of the time it was okay. However, I remember one Sunday close to Christmas they brought several classes together and we had a male teacher I didn't know. He talked about the virgin Mary in his Christmas story presentation. So, I asked him what a virgin was. A hush fell over the room and even as a ten year old I could sense his discomfort and his struggle to find words to answer my question. After a few moments he gave a short answer, leaving no room for followup questions. "It means Mary was a good girl."

In my fifth grade mind, those words took on a life of their own. I interpreted them to indicate God must have said, either directly or indirectly, "Be good and I will bless you, be bad and I won't," which lead to, "Be good and I will love you and be bad and I won't" Those words became a part of my system of theology. Sadly, the statements ended up coloring my view of God and left me with an unsettling fear--a fear that made me want to believe in Him, a fear because I did believe in such a scary God, and a fear that I would never be good enough for Him to love. This belief impacted how I interpreted so many other things as you will see over the next few weeks.

In his discomfort, the man missed the opportunity to teach the doctrine of the Virgin Birth so crucial to embracing the truth of Jesus as both God and man. I know the man knew nothing about the little girl sitting in his class--the little girl struggling to make sense of the Christian life she knew God called her to live. He knew nothing about the little girl believing she was bad to the core of her being, longing to be good. He knew nothing about her believing God might never love a girl as bad as her desperately longing for His love. He knew nothing about her view of God and herself being skewed when someone had taken advantage of her when she was 4. He never knew his words contributed to the strengthening of her false belief that something bad in her invited abuse and something bad in her kept God from protecting her. Nor, did the man know his answer contributed to a long struggle with perfectionism--perfectionism developed to overcome obvious her many flaws, the badness she believed resided deep inside, besetting sin with which she struggled, and an attempt to become lovable.

But, God! God cares about people! And God cared about the young woman I grew up to be--a woman still struggling with a skewed view of God, deeply yearning to know Him and to be loved by Him. And after I was married, He took us to a place I claimed I would never go--a place I went, silently protesting in my heart. A place where I sat under a Bible teacher who taught his congregation to be Bereans, testing what they were taught with the Word of God. A place that was safe enough to ask all the questions with which I struggled and where the pastor was humble enough to not be bothered by questions. A place where the pastor and teachers never offered quick or flippant answers.

There I asked questions to my heart's content. And when I asked, he always pulled out His Bible instead of talking off the top of his head. As we poured over Scriptures, he always showed me the process that lead him to believe truth he taught. A part of that truth included teaching on the sin nature with which some people have a hard time. But for this girl who had been viewing the sin nature as a core of bad that only I possessed, it was good news.

Through my conversations with him and with many other members of that precious church I began to grow. For the first time, I had the opportunity to discuss sermons over Sunday meals, and I began to see God differently. He no longer seemed distant, angry, and impossible to please. He was and is a relational God, loving with a love so radical it's unfathomable! I came to understand God had never said I had to be perfect to be loved by Him. The truth was that He had already demonstrated His love when I was yet deep in sin! He proved His love by sending His Son to take on my sin in His body and die in my place and then He rose again proving His payment was satisfactory. Then when I trusted Him, He imputed Jesus' righteousness to me--righteousness I could never achieve, righteousness that graciously reconciled me to Him, making it possible to approach Him as a beloved child, forever crying, " Abba!" Abba--such a intimate term--like Papa in our culture.

Overtime, I came to understand God had always loved me. He loved me in my most imperfect state. He loved me when my theology was based on misconceptions. He loved me when I messed up and sinned against Him. He loved me when others hurt me. He even loved me enough to pour out His blessings on me--blessings I couldn't earn, didn't deserve, and didn't always recognize at the time. Like the blessing of being taken across the country under silent protest to a little community with a small church with a great big heart and a Bible teaching pastor with a deep southern accent and a congregation full of people loving Jesus and loving God's Word so much, it was a part of everyday conversation. And those conversations were used by God to satisfy the deep thirst in my soul to know God and to be known by Him. It was in that knowing that I was set free from the false words I once believed were His, but were, in truth, words God had never spoke!

Is Noise Killing our Relationships?

I've come to realize we live in a noisy world. When I actually listen, I hear the constant flow of traffic interlaced with sirens and an occasional speeder with revving engine and screeching tires. I also hear rumblings of distant trains, planes flying overhead, and lawn mowers. I hear the noise of concrete being both torn out and concrete being poured as streets are repaired. There's the sounds of a neighbor blasting two kinds of music at the same time with windows wide open--music that rattles windows and vibrates walls and causes hearts to thump. There is also the fun sounds of dogs playing, birds chirping, school bells ringing, and kids playing. There is other kinds of noise. I don't mean noise in the normal sense, I mean constant stimuli through TV, radio, social media, internet, video games, and printers running, computers humming, and telephones that clang, ding, and sing their various notifications.

Ironically, I've realized I have felt a bit disconnected from both God and from people. At first I dismissed this feeling of disconnection, after all don't I live in one of the most connected societies of all times? All I have to do is pick up a tablet, look at Facebook, read emails, or text and I am instantly connected. But, I am reminded that only 7 percent of what we comprehend in communication is through spoken words, the other 97% comes through body language, facial expressions, and the tone and inflections of voices. While I enjoy reading the words of encouraging friends, I realize that at times it is more satisfying to chat face-to-face, sharing at a heart level, laughing until the belly hurts, and crying until the tears are spent.

I've also get lost in reading negative comments, hateful posts, inflammatory accusations over social issues and elections, finding myself in a world of frustration, anger, hurt, or anxiety over words written by people I don't even know. At times I may need to be jolted out of complacency and comfort, but to be honest there are times I've spent so much time and emotional energy on social media that when my husband comes home or my kids stop by, I am too exhausted to stay present, to actively listen, to engage in conversation, or to encourage them.

I need to put some balance back in my life. I love social media and its pictures of friends and families near and far. I love the precious words posted by loved ones that gives me insight into how they think, feel, and dream. However, I need to guard against obsessively checking social media and allow ample time for eye-to-eye contact with the humans standing in front of me. I need to guard my heart against the hateful rambling of people hiding behind anonymity, choosing not to read the posts of those who rage when others own different opinions and perspectives on life, politics, and religion. I also want to guard my heart when other people's passions turn into a defensive posture looking for a fight, spewing harsh accusations and hate speech, encourage violence, or try to hold me responsible for the sins of others. I've realized the number of contradictory posts also create unneeded anxiety for this heart that desires to know truth.

Face-to-face interactions are beneficial because as we gaze into the eyes of another we can't forget they are a person with feelings and a complex intellect instead of seeing them only through a single post with which we may or may not agree. Face-to-face allows us to express concern, empathy, and care through body language and to see those same things in the eyes of another. That is where the connections of the heart--the connections that can satisfy this deep soul thirst with which we were born.

Sensory overload has also impacted my relationship with God. When I had five little kids in the home, I got up early when the house was quiet and had my coffee with God. I would read His Word, and then walk as I listened to praise music. On my walk I would pray about what I had read and share the deepest things of my heart with God and ask Him questions and sometimes just listen for His voice in my heart. I remember that time period as one in which I was very connected to God and growing in both knowledge of Him and understanding of His grace. The desire of my heart at that time was to learn to love well, to overcome the judgments I had used as self protection, and to be a giver of lavish grace.

Last week a conference speaker referenced 1 Kings 19, which is the story of Elijah, the prophet who was in his own words, "...jealous for the LORD, the God of hosts. For the people of Israel have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword, and I, even I only, am left, and they seek my life to take it away."  Elijah was suffering from the depression of let down that sometimes comes upon people fighting great spiritual battles. He longed for Israel to come back to the LORD and he is fearing His life because Israel is on a sinful path and killing God's prophets.

In the middle of Elijah's messy feelings, God instructed him to go and stand on the mountain before Him. The LORD passed by, "and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the Lord, but the LORD was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper." When Elijah heard the whisper he covered his face, because he recognized it as the voice of the LORD.

I realize I don't often allow myself to sit quietly to hear His whispering voice. It is drowned out by the constant "noise" around me. There were times I put on noise to keep the negative, fearful thoughts at bay. But the way to intimacy and closeness was to sit quietly and let the thoughts surface--yes, the thoughts so sinful I was ashamed, the thoughts seeped in unbelief that I don't want to admit were there, the thoughts selfish, unloving, and unbecoming a woman of God that caused me to cringe when they bubbled up. But it was that uncomfortable bubbling that allowed me to acknowledge and confessed them, which in turn shattered the barrier of pretense that stood between me and the God I wanted to know. Dissolving pretense melted the shame of not being who I wanted to be, allowing me to bask in a love steeped with grace.

Our relationship with God, like any other relationship, is nurtured through quiet moments of transparent sharing, confession, adoration, and a willingness to just sit and listen with one's heart. If we aren't careful, the ''noise" will kill even the desire to relate in person, leaving us sorely dissatisfied with what the media gives. Is the noise and constant stimulation impacting your relationships as it is mine?

I am committed to bringing more balance to my life so the "noise" can't drown out the still small voice of the LORD--the very voice that I long most to hear. Oh, how I long to be to the place that when I let my mind wander in the quiet, it consistently finds its way to God.

Finding Purpose in Pain

I was an adult when I realized there is purpose in pain. I first noticed it in the physical realm when one of our little ones had an ear infection. I picked him up from the church nursery and he was his usual cheerful self. But, then I noticed this ugly mess oozing from his ear. The doctor said the membrane holding his ear drum had ruptured and the infection was oozing from behind it. I told her I didn't even realize he was in pain and she said she believed me because his other ear was ready to rupture and most kids with ears like his were screaming in pain. Yet, he acted like he wasn't experiencing pain. I realized then that physical pain could be good. It can signal an infection or a wound that needs treatment. The pain of a slight cut can keep us from slicing off a whole finger and an irritated  eye can keep us from permanently damaging a cornea.

Over time I also came to realize emotional pain can also be good. I went through several years of recovery work for an eating disorder and during that time I visited many painful memories. As I journaled letters to God about pain uncovered, I realized the same God who had allowed the deep pain was the same God who was loving me with a love deep enough to heal it. I also learned a lot about my heart and my sin and my God in that place. Since that time I've reread many stories in the Bible and become more aware of the painful places in which the people lived and the began to look for His purpose in the pain they experienced.

For example, There was Sarai and Abram who suffered the heart-wrenching pain of infertility while living in the midst of a pagan culture that worshiped false gods of fertility. Even after God called them out and promised them a son, they lived with their pain of longing--longing so painful they devised plans to help God fulfill His promise. But God had them live in their place of longing until they fully believed God was who He said He was--the life-giving God, the Keeper of promises. At the right time God resurrected their aged bodies to conceive, carry, and nurse a tiny man child called, "Laughter." God wanted them to know Him and He wanted their hearts undivided. So, He had them sitting in the pain long enough for their unbelief  buried deep to bubble up, allowing a firm belief to take root. He had them sit in the pain long enough that His power could be displayed, proving stone-cold idols don't give life--He does!

And there was the deceiver, Jacob, who had to flee after his deceiving enraged his brother. God said his brother would serve him and, like Abram, Jacob wanted to help God make it happen. He ended up in a painful place, working for seven years for a bride he loved only to have his father-in-law give him a taste of deceit by substituting his older daughter as a bride. So, Jacob worked another seven years for the daughter he loved and another six for a flock to call his own while he lived in the messiness of a two wife family. The deceit he experienced was a mirror of his own deceitfulness, revealing to him the pain he inflicted on his brother. God let Jacob sit in that painful place, dealing with a difficult person to show him something about his sin and his heart and to prepare him for the long journey home. His painful place was not proof of God's desertion, it was proof of His love. God wanted him to experience the beauty that comes with humility. He wanted him to draw near to Him in faith, see that God could fulfill His Words without his help. God is good and it is His goodness that led Jacob to repent and in this case the goodness that would draw Jacob to His heart and the center of His will came in the form of the discomfort of seeing his sin mirrored.

And there was a lady I've come to love--the precious Samaritan lady Jesus met at the well. She was living in a pain-filled place, having been married five times and having each marriage end as she was dragged to the middle of town and declared unfit. Five times she'd been crushed by rejection and five times publicly labeled "not good enough." She'd was unable to live down her reputation and her loneliness ran deep, being ostracized by a community who judged her and made her the focus of gossip to deflect from shortcomings of their own. But Jesus sought her out at the right time when she was at the end of herself and the pain of her unmet needs ran so deep that she knew He and only He could meet her there.

I am thankful the Bible is honest about the stories people lived, especially the painful places in which they landed. The enemy wants us to believe pain is proof that God doesn't care. But, His Word shows repeatedly He sees us and He walks with us us through those tough places. He witnesses every tear spilled and every tear choked back. He's listening to every word cried out and every silent prayer our hearts can't find words to express. It is His goodness that allows us to come and to sit in the painful places--

    --places designed to expose unbelief and mature faith
    --places designed to allow His character and power to shine
    --places designed to expose and excise sin
    --places designed to bring us to the end of ourselves
    --places designed to surface longings etched deeply in hearts by God
    --places designed to show us the purpose of our pain
    --places designed to draw us to the center of His will and His heart.

Maybe one of the reasons God chose not to remove pain from this life is so that you and I can understand the love of God through the pain of the cross. It was at Calvary that Christ was beaten for us. It was at Calvary that He bore the shame for the sin we commit and the pain that that sin inflicts on Him and others. It was at Calvary that Christ died so that He could exchange our filthy rags for His righteousness. God is the author of redemption stories, not fairy tales. Every redemption story leads us back to Christ, where we have the joy of finding purpose in pain.

The Tendency to Judge

 One of the concepts in Scripture with which I have wrestled long and hard is the concept of judging. It is something we all do whether we admit it or not. We judge one product as being better than another. This kind of judgment can be beneficial and create accountability for companies to offer better products. As a boss we may judge one person as better than another when we compare the way they do their jobs. That can help a boss make decisions on who to promote or to hire the best person for a job. After all, what boss wouldn't wants to hire a person who demonstrates good performance, a strong work ethic, and a willingness to learn new things to help a company grow? We, as consumers, may also judge professionals. For example we may judge one doctor as better than another because he listens to his patients, is considerate of their time, and continuously makes wise decisions for them. We may judge others' words as either helpful and uplifting or as wounding and soul-crushing. These kinds of judgments help us foster relationships with those who are more nurturing and less apt to continuously hurt us. We may judge the actions of others and even ourselves as either good or bad. These kinds of judgments can be useful when they are aligned with Scripture to help us to choose not to sin. 

There are judgments that are not godly. John 7:24 says, "Do not judge by appearances, judge with right judgment." The judgments that are not godly are many. This can apply to how we look at situations, events, people, ourselves, and our relationships. We might judge a circumstance as bad, when really it is orchestrated by God; designed to mature us. Some judgments become ungodly when we choose to judge someone's heart and not value them as an image bearer because of external things we see--things like skin color, educational level, the part of town in which a person lives, a person's dress, they way they speak, the way they act, their religion or lack there of, or their denomination. Many of us even harshly judge ourselves.

I confess I have been one who judged other people and myself without even realizing it. I had to become more mindful of what was going on inside of me to realize I did it. I think the concept of judging first came up in a counselor's office when I expressed the anger and hurt I had been stuffing for years. In the beginning most of the anger and judgments were turned inward, judging myself so harshly that I silently screamed hateful names at myself--names I would never say to someone else--names that crushed my spirit far more than any other person had. I didn't like who I'd become. I didn't like how I related to others. And I hated myself because I couldn't change faster. I hated me for not being the perfect me I always envisioned me to be.

A few years ago I broke my knee and spent the night on a gurney in the emergency room. They were busy and didn't have a room for me so my gurney was pushed up against the wall between two doors. Late in the night my exhausted husband leaned his head against the gurney and nodded off. I couldn't sleep and it seemed like every nurse who entered one of the rooms near by bumped the gurney, increasing my pain. When my husband woke up, I told him I didn't understand how he could sleep with them bumping the gurney so hard. He looked puzzled and said he hadn't noticed them bumping it. I realized it was because I was already in pain that the bumps and brushes seemed bigger than they were. 

I also realized the way I perceived life, how much pain I emotionally experienced in the present, and how I related were greatly impacted by emotional wounds from my past that had never healed. We all get knocked around. Some are fortunate and able to express pain, have it acknowledged by others, and healed. But for many their emotional pain gets stuffed and remains unhealed, impacting them in such away they either overreact or under react to each new 'bump" experienced in the same way my husband and I perceived and reacted differently to the bumps experienced in the ER.   

As I faced past pain, I was able to grieve what I'd never grieved before--broken relationships, wounding actions of others, losses incurred through death, hurtful words that shaped my view of me, and the losses incurred as a result of an isolating eating disorder. I realized I'd dealt with life by denying the story I lived—the very story authored by God. As I began to come out of denial and accept the story God was writing, I learned to grieve and let go of pain of the past. It gave me insight as to why I reacted to life, people, God, and myself as I did. As I healed, I accepted myself without judgment and looked at myself with curiosity, allowing me to face sin graciously and grow faster than I did when I heaped harsh judgments on myself. Understanding myself helped me see why I have made choices I made, said the things I said, and did the things I did—the good, the bad, and the down right ugly. It, helped me reach a point I was able to be gracious to myself and as I’ve gained more compassion for myself, I dwelt less on my sin. When I gave up the self-contempt and confessed sin I was able to let go of shame and move past it more quickly. As I grieved and let go of emotional pain, I found the hurts of today more bearable. 

I also realized I was often confused by the way people acted or reacted. After being bumped on that gurney, I realize I didn’t understand because I didn’t know their stories. I didn't know the traumas they had endured that had shaped their view of themselves, others, God, and life. I didn't know the resources and support they had or didn't have to help them recover. I didn’t know about the biting words they heard that crushed their spirits and deflated their hope of being who God created them to be. I didn't know the history behind the different relationships they had that from the outside looked great, but grieved their hearts deeply. I didn't know about the losses they experienced and never grieved that created a relational starvation a long with an enormous fear of abandonment keeps them from what their heart desires. 

The sense of curiosity I've gained from counseling enabled me to not only be able to look at myself with curiosity, it enabled me to look at others with it, too. I want to know what makes them laugh, cry, cringe, scream, become angry, and love instead of assuming they are “crazy,” “immature,” or “bad.” I want to know how they view their Creator and what it would take for them to trust Him with their whole being. I'm less apt to judge their worth from the external and more apt to ask about their stories enabling me to learn what drives their decision making, their actions and their reactions, and what triggers their defenses or lowers them enough to allow one to peek inside. 

Letting go of wrong judgments enables me to love more like Jesus loved. It enables me to speak the truth more gently. It enables me to point someone toward a godlier path without triggering shame that could deepen the wounds their bear. I am much more apt to listen to someone's pain than to hand them empty platitudes that falsely imply they are less spiritual for struggling. 

Most importantly, I am honored when someone shares their story with me. Instead of judging them for how they have lived their story, I find myself thanking God that He has allowed me to be given the sacred trust of listening as I ask Him to give me the discernment to know when to be silent, when to speak, and what words would be honey to their wounded heart. Hopefully, God will continue to remind me that He is the only just judge and use me to encourage others when they need hope the most. 

The Tendency to Judge

 One of the concepts in Scripture with which I have wrestled long and hard is the concept of judging. It is something we all do whether we admit it or not. We judge one product as being better than another. This kind of judgment can be beneficial and create accountability for companies to offer better products. As a boss we may judge one person as better than another when we compare the way they do their jobs. That can help a boss make decisions on who to promote or to hire the best person for a job. After all, what boss wouldn't wants to hire a person who demonstrates good performance, a strong work ethic, and a willingness to learn new things to help a company grow? We, as consumers, may also judge professionals. For example we may judge one doctor as better than another because he listens to his patients, is considerate of their time, and continuously makes wise decisions for them. We may judge others' words as either helpful and uplifting or as wounding and soul-crushing. These kinds of judgments help us foster relationships with those who are more nurturing and less apt to continuously hurt us. We may judge the actions of others and even ourselves as either good or bad. These kinds of judgments can be useful when they are aligned with Scripture to help us to choose not to sin. 

There are judgments that are not godly. John 7:24 says, "Do not judge by appearances, judge with right judgment." The judgments that are not godly are many. This can apply to how we look at situations, events, people, ourselves, and our relationships. We might judge a circumstance as bad, when really it is orchestrated by God; designed to mature us. Some judgments become ungodly when we choose to judge someone's heart and not value them as an image bearer because of external things we see--things like skin color, educational level, the part of town in which a person lives, a person's dress, they way they speak, the way they act, their religion or lack there of, or their denomination. Many of us even harshly judge ourselves.

I confess I have been one who judged other people and myself without even realizing it. I had to become more mindful of what was going on inside of me to realize I did it. I think the concept of judging first came up in a counselor's office when I expressed the anger and hurt I had been stuffing for years. In the beginning most of the anger and judgments were turned inward, judging myself so harshly that I silently screamed hateful names at myself--names I would never say to someone else--names that crushed my spirit far more than any other person had. I didn't like who I'd become. I didn't like how I related to others. And I hated myself because I couldn't change faster. I hated me for not being the perfect me I always envisioned me to be.

A few years ago I broke my knee and spent the night on a gurney in the emergency room. They were busy and didn't have a room for me so my gurney was pushed up against the wall between two doors. Late in the night my exhausted husband leaned his head against the gurney and nodded off. I couldn't sleep and it seemed like every nurse who entered one of the rooms near by bumped the gurney, increasing my pain. When my husband woke up, I told him I didn't understand how he could sleep with them bumping the gurney so hard. He looked puzzled and said he hadn't noticed them bumping it. I realized it was because I was already in pain that the bumps and brushes seemed bigger than they were. 

I also realized the way I perceived life, how much pain I emotionally experienced in the present, and how I related were greatly impacted by emotional wounds from my past that had never healed. We all get knocked around. Some are fortunate and able to express pain, have it acknowledged by others, and healed. But for many their emotional pain gets stuffed and remains unhealed, impacting them in such away they either overreact or under react to each new 'bump" experienced in the same way my husband and I perceived and reacted differently to the bumps experienced in the ER.   

As I faced past pain, I was able to grieve what I'd never grieved before--broken relationships, wounding actions of others, losses incurred through death, hurtful words that shaped my view of me, and the losses incurred as a result of an isolating eating disorder. I realized I'd dealt with life by denying the story I lived—the very story authored by God. As I began to come out of denial and accept the story God was writing, I learned to grieve and let go of pain of the past. It gave me insight as to why I reacted to life, people, God, and myself as I did. As I healed, I accepted myself without judgment and looked at myself with curiosity, allowing me to face sin graciously and grow faster than I did when I heaped harsh judgments on myself. Understanding myself helped me see why I have made choices I made, said the things I said, and did the things I did—the good, the bad, and the down right ugly. It, helped me reach a point I was able to be gracious to myself and as I’ve gained more compassion for myself, I dwelt less on my sin. When I gave up the self-contempt and confessed sin I was able to let go of shame and move past it more quickly. As I grieved and let go of emotional pain, I found the hurts of today more bearable. 

I also realized I was often confused by the way people acted or reacted. After being bumped on that gurney, I realize I didn’t understand because I didn’t know their stories. I didn't know the traumas they had endured that had shaped their view of themselves, others, God, and life. I didn't know the resources and support they had or didn't have to help them recover. I didn’t know about the biting words they heard that crushed their spirits and deflated their hope of being who God created them to be. I didn't know the history behind the different relationships they had that from the outside looked great, but grieved their hearts deeply. I didn't know about the losses they experienced and never grieved that created a relational starvation a long with an enormous fear of abandonment keeps them from what their heart desires. 

The sense of curiosity I've gained from counseling enabled me to not only be able to look at myself with curiosity, it enabled me to look at others with it, too. I want to know what makes them laugh, cry, cringe, scream, become angry, and love instead of assuming they are “crazy,” “immature,” or “bad.” I want to know how they view their Creator and what it would take for them to trust Him with their whole being. I'm less apt to judge their worth from the external and more apt to ask about their stories enabling me to learn what drives their decision making, their actions and their reactions, and what triggers their defenses or lowers them enough to allow one to peek inside. 

Letting go of wrong judgments enables me to love more like Jesus loved. It enables me to speak the truth more gently. It enables me to point someone toward a godlier path without triggering shame that could deepen the wounds their bear. I am much more apt to listen to someone's pain than to hand them empty platitudes that falsely imply they are less spiritual for struggling. 

Most importantly, I am honored when someone shares their story with me. Instead of judging them for how they have lived their story, I find myself thanking God that He has allowed me to be given the sacred trust of listening as I ask Him to give me the discernment to know when to be silent, when to speak, and what words would be honey to their wounded heart. Hopefully, God will continue to remind me that He is the only just judge and use me to encourage others when they need hope the most.