Christmas Hope for Anxious Hearts

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on Him because He cares for you." (1 Peter 4:6-7) This is one of my favorite verses even though I realize it often gets misused to shame anxious hearted people. With the holidays and covid looming in the background anxiety is increasing. So, today I am revisiting this post first published in 2020 on the topic of anxiety, hoping to speak encouragement into anxious hearts. 

As I have shared in the past, a few years ago we were given a small maltipoo from our kids who moved oversees. Harley is a well-trained dog, who believes she's human. She was pretty anxious when she was dropped off. But at the time I had a viral infection that caused extreme fatigue, which meant she could spend the better part of a year sitting in my lap. This helped her attach to me, my husband, and a son who was staying with us at the time. Then movers came and once again she watched stuff get carried out the door and another person disappeared from her life as our son moved away. She once again grew anxious and wanted to be in someone's lap 24/7.

When I put her down to clean house, she followed me from room to room and there were times I sat down with her and could feel her trembling, which is what she does when she thinks we are about to leave the house without her. Her anxiety still grieves my heart because she gets so anxious anticipating a possible abandonment that she doesn't enjoy the great amount of time she spends on my lap. In watching her, I realized I had a lot in common with her as I spent many years living with the same type of anticipatory anxiety that prevented me from fully enjoying my relationship with God. 

Let's be honest, anxiety is an experience common to us all. This is especially true during the holiday season, especially with Covid 19 numbers rising again. In the past rising numbers caused lockdowns, which has means we had to isolate more, increasing loneliness, depression, and anxiety. There is anxiety in the face of rising numbers and no lockdowns as we fear spreading it. There is still anxiety as people face job loss, devastating storms, closing businesses, and evictions right before the holidays. There is anxiety for those who are in the workforce who know they might be exposed to Covid and carry it home.  

There is also anxiety caused by biased newscasters and social media where key-board warriors spew hate-filled words. There is a higher threat of violence in my neck of the woods and a homeless population who step out into the roads in dark clothing at night. There is anxiety for those who have family members working in law enforcement who know spouses, parents or grandparents on the force may be targeted by violence for wearing a uniform.  

   

There is also anxiety that comes from wanting to have perfect Christmases with perfect gifts and perfect responses to the gifts we're given. There is anxiety in anticipating family dysfunction and family drama that can erupt when people with unresolved baggage come together. For believers, anxiety often leads to toxic shame as we tend to believe we aren't supposed to experience anxiousness. Yet, we do. We may try to either deny or hide it. When we do this, we are choosing to live a lie. It is more honest to acknowledge the hard that comes from living in a fallen world. 

Believers experience anxiety for many reasons. First, we live in a fallen world and may have experienced painful or traumatic events. A normal healthy response to early trauma includes anxiety. Think of a child who experiences trauma at a young age who doesn't have the mental or emotional capacity to process it. Their body responds as it is designed to respond--surging chemicals flood their little systems and they flee, freeze, fight, or play dead to stay safe. Because they are too young to know how to use effectively use that energy, the anxiety of the experience gets imprinted in such a way it recurs when it gets triggered by things the mind remembers subconsciously through a smell, a sound, a season, holiday lights, etc. As they experience triggers as an adult their anxiety rises of its own accord. 

There are also anxiety-provoking things going on in the here and now. I think of those diagnosed with cancer. These people face mortality daily in ways most of us don't. They face difficult decisions about therapies that can potentially poison their bodies as they kill the cancer. They also face soaring medical bills and do battle with insurance companies who refuse to pay. Anxiety can also come from not being sure one can tolerate chemo, from wondering if their faith is strong enough to endure the illness and its painful treatments, and from wondering if they will suffer well and be a light to others or be able to sense God and His love, knowing full well that He can heal, but may choose not to. 

There is compounded anxiety when families deal with sick children during holidays. I follow the posts of mom's whose children were born with heart defects. A little girl named Charlie was born with half a heart and has gone through several open-heart surgeries. The road they travel is long and death will always be a very real possibility. They walk closely with God and the song they sing over her continually declares yes to God's will and yes to His ways. But there is anxiety to be reckoned with when Charlie faces the possibility of new surgeries or life-threatening bumps in the journey and fights to survive with half a heart that loves big. 

The other child is sweet Caleb who has already been given a new heart. But the new heart didn't stop the anxiety for his parents when drugs preventing rejection left his immune system compromised and vulnerable to both blood and eye cancers with which he's battled brave. I know his sweet mama personally and am a part of her tribe. I know she is experiencing even more anxiety this year with Covid numbers rising. She makes healthy choices for her child and trusts God in ways I can't even imagine. 

There is a lot of anxiety felt in families who have someone struggling with addictions, which often raise their ugly heads in holidays. Each person walks on eggshells, fearful they will say or do something that will cause a relapse...and the drinking, the drug use, or visits to porn sites will start up, leaving the house in chaos as wounding behaviors follow in the aftermath. There is also anxiety for the addict because holiday stress can trigger them and if they do not work their program they may drink, snort, shoot up, or return to the darkness of his or her infidelity through internet porn--the fixes that leave a family open to dark spiritual influences that can pass to future generations.

There is anxiety in families in which mental illness dwells. Will this be the holiday depression gives way to suicide? Will mom, dad, or siblings be calm and happy, agitated and angry, depressed and unavailable, or on a mania high or a catatonic slow state?  Will the fear instilled by the paranoid come to fruition? All the while the children are left trying to figure out if there is something they did to cause the confusing behaviors of those they love or if there is something they can do to bring stability to the instability--a responsibility way too big for little shoulders, birthing a debilitating storm of anxiety in a child's soul.  

There is anxiety in homes where marriages are broken as family members wonder if the next mistake made, the next thoughtless word spoken, the next problem experienced with the kids, the next financial setback might be the final trigger that ends the marriage, fracturing a family into two hurting pieces. Anxiety also comes to the children overhearing arguments and assuming responsibility to smooth things over so neither mom or dad leave. There is anxiety in kids whose families have already split as they travel between homes, hoping they won't be the source of conflict and discomfort.

There is anxiety caused by core beliefs developed at an early age--beliefs that impact thoughts, actions, reactions, and feelings. Some of my anxiety-inducing core beliefs were: "I am responsible for everyone's happiness." "My being loved depends on me being a perfect size, a perfect wife, a perfect mom, perfect daughter, or perfect believer." "My value and worth as a person comes from what I do." When I held those beliefs as true, my anxiety was tied to wanting to find the perfect present for everyone and wanting to respond perfectly to every gift received, which is hard for a reserved introvert. That perfectionism was complicated because having the perfect marriage, perfect family, and perfect holidays depends not just on me being perfect, but on others being perfect as well. I learned I've no right to project perfectionism and am simply called to love well, to extend grace, and to lovingly speak truth. 

I've learned things that have calmed my anxious heart. First, I learned God doesn't demand perfection. He desires us to be humble and to express anxious thoughts to safe, nonjudgmental friends. I am graced with such friends who listen well and friends who remind me they hear me and see me. This reminds me that my heavenly Father sees me as well. Sometimes my friends share truth about God's goodness, bigness, and graciousness in non-shaming ways, but most often they just listen, knowing I simply need to bring it to the light. Sometimes they offer to pray with me and give me the opportunity to cast my cares on God, because He cares for me.  

Secondly, I learned to choose wisely with whom I share my struggles. This was a hard lesson learned when I shared with people who were quick to judge and admonish rather than listen and encourage. I now share only with those who understand God's love and grace and who are more about transparency than appearances. They are the ones whose gentle encouragement reminds me to continue believing our God is bigger than Covid, this conflicted world, and family dysfunction.

Third, I've learned that when I feel panicked and anxious, I can talk freely to God about it because He isn't waiting to strike me with lighting because of a feeling I am experiencing. He's always inviting me to remember who He is and who I am in Him. Remembering God's character, strength, love, and grace helps me stay calm today just as it did through other anxiety evoking life events. 

Fourth, I have learned I can dissolve or manage anxiety that is caused or increased by lies I believe. I learned the lies from others who were misguided, from misinterpreting things I saw, and from The Enemy who seeks to squash faith by whispering lies in our ears in the face of the hard. His lies made me feel shame and stirred anxiety when he whispered things that caused me to doubt God, His character, His love, His goodness, and His faithfulness. My anxiety decreases when I confront lies with boldly declared truth. 

The Enemy wants us to forget we are chosen, accepted, redeemed, beloved children who have been bought with the blood of God's own Son and sealed into His family by His own Spirit. Satan wants us to believe our circumstances prove we're bad, forgotten, unseen, or abandoned by God who calls us His own. The Enemy shames us because shame causes us to hide or deny our reality instead of casting it on God through prayer and thanksgiving. The Enemy uses shame to stir this form of pride that drives us to look "all together" while quaking at our core. It causes us to miss out on care and comfort of the God who gives it freely. The Enemy also uses shame to isolate us because he knows when we engage with others, we get out of our own heads and see the lies for what they are. The Enemy wants us to feel responsible for things over which we have no control--things like others' feelings, attitudes, choices, beliefs. and actions. He prompts us with the should of shame, the seduction of power, and reminder of sin already confessed.

I write all of this to remind us that Christmas is a Holy holiday, commemorating the birth of our Savior, the birth of our Shepherd who loves and seeks His sheep, and the birth of our King who had made us joint Heirs with Him. The Enemy wants us to take our eyes off Jesus and put it on anxiety-provoking things like that impossible perfect Christmas, Covid, and unrest. Let's not buy into the lies he tells so we can rest in God-given peace and joy that come through knowing Him who died to redeems us. May our holiday goals be connection, loving well, acceptance of our perfectly imperfect selves, sweet conversations, and simple gifts that remind us of Jesus. 

The Promised One

When I was a child, Christmas felt magical to me because people seemed to be friendlier and kinder to each other during the Christmas season. When they passed each other in the store or saw each other at church, they took time out of busy schedules to greet one another and to engage in conversations. And, wen they parted they wished each other, "Merry Christmas!" It also seemed magical because we had extended family who visited and had traditional holiday meals laid out on elegantly decorated tables. I remember the peace of gazing at the Christmas tree lights as I sipped cocoa in front of a fireplace and the joy of listening to the garbled sounds of adults talking as I drifted off to sleep, thankful more of the people I loved were under our roof.

When I began attending church, Christmas took on a more important meaning to me and the feeling of it being magical was replaced by a feeling of deep awe that continued to grow year after year. I used to think the Christmas story began in the gospels. But, I have since come to understand the story didn't began with an angel visiting Mary or with angels singing to shepherds in the fields or the Shekinah Glory in the east--it began in the garden of Eden--a garden God had planted for the people He created and breathed life into. It began with something so sinister we don't like to include it in our sanitized versions of the Christmas story. But, we must. For without the bad we can't grasp the depth of the the good and of the loving kindness of our God. Nor, can we grasp the significance of His pursuit of us and the Promised One He has given. 

The story began on a warm perfect day with temptation laid out by a slithering serpent and the sound of his smooth voice hissing lies and half truths to God's people. It continued with Eve forgetting she were created to be God's image bearer became dissatisfied with her life for the very first time. It continued as she began to see God's command not to eat one particular fruit as a deprivation rather than the protection it was. Her dissatisfaction grew as her desire for the God-forbidden fruit became inflamed by the feeling of deprivation and grew into a belief that she deserved more. It continued when she eyed the fruit and reached for it and smelled its sweetness and took a bite, It continued as she shared of her sin with her man who was ever so silently standing by her side as she engaged in the conversation with a hissing serpent. It continued with the overwhelming shame that grew in their hearts as the reality of what they had done sank in. It continued when their futile attempts to cover their shame with clothes of fig leaves that proved inadequate. It continued with their hiding from the Creator when they heard Him approaching. It continued when for the first time ever He had to call for them.

But there was no place big enough to hide them and their shame from the God who is omniscient. Little did they understand that God loved big enough to relentlessly pursue them even in the aftermath of what they had done. He met them where they were at and He clothed them in animal skins that He, Himself, sacrificed--a sacrifice that was a physical picture of His loving Promise of One who would one day take God's wrath for sin committed, who would overcome the death they were dying, and who would destroy the enemy seeking to destroy them.

Since that dark day in the Garden, we who were meant to behold God and fellowship with Him and reflect His glory have been sinning and forsaking the Creator just as Adam and Eve did. As a result, we, too, are shrouded in debilitating shame and hiding from the Creator and from each other. We may not hide behind leaves and bushes, but we hide behind masks that attempt to portray false selves that are way better than we really are. We hide behind shameful behavior like name calling, addictions,  cursing,  deception, abandonment, and abuse. We hide behind vows of not needing the love, approval, and acceptance of our God or other people. But the masks, the  shameful behavior, and the vows we make--they don't dissolve shame that flourishes in hiding.

The solution of shame resides in our persistently pursuing God who transform shame with the blood of the Promised One. The Promised One being Jesus who was born shamefully to an unwed mother, who lived in the shameful region of Nazareth, who shamefully walked with women, who shamefully blessed children, who shamefully touched lepers, who shamefully cast out demons, who shamefully forgave adulterers, and who shamefully dined with sinners, prostitutes, Samaritans, and tax collectors. The Son fulfilled the Promise when He was shamefully sold for the price of a slave, was shamefully arrested, was shamefully insulted by the crowd calling for His death, shamefully flogged, shamefully face-slapped and beard plucked, shamefully stripped and crowned with earth-cursed thorns, shamefully nailed to a cross to die a criminal's death, shamefully faced His Father's wrath, and shamefully placed in a borrowed tomb.

We often fail to see, He chose to lay down His life, not just as a payment for sin, but because He despised the shame that's tendrils have been suffocating the life out of us ever since Eden. I wish we could understand that He has never despised us; He has despised the shame with which we've been plagued since the fall. Diane Langberg so eloquently pointed out in her book, Suffering and the Heart of God, He did not let the shame people and His circumstance heaped upon Him define Him, diminish Him, or destroy His work and His purpose--He looked it fully in the face as His Father turned away so that He could transform our shame into glory.

As we remember the Baby born to a young virgin, laid in a manger, worshiped by shepherds, and visited by the Magi, may we never lose sight  that the Promised One humbled Himself, taking on the form of man, being obedient to death, was the very One who defeated sin and death so we could behold Him and have our shame transformed into glory as it says in 2 Corinthians 3:18, "We all, with unveiled faces, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory."

The Christmas Story without the backdrop of the Garden looses its ability to show the true story God has penned--a story that is both messy and beautiful--messy because it includes our sin and shame and our failure to love and obey God and beautiful because it includes our loving God radically pursing fallen creatures, and a promise that was fulfilled in the Promised One. The Christmas Story without the Garden fails to remind us of the glory of which our sin stripped us. The Christmas Story without the Garden fails to remind us that by faith in Christ we have been provided a way to enter His presence, which is the very place we need to be to have shame transformed into glory.

When Christmas Leaves You Longing For Home

 I have had the privilege of serving in a support group ministry and have met some amazing ladies over the years. One year I had several younger women who had grown up in extremely dysfunctional and abusive homes. They quickly bonded because they each had difficult stories and could relate to the pain the others had suffered. They could also relate to the struggles each faced as they worked to find freedom from their pasts. They worked hard to find healing and to become the women God created them to be. 

They were wise and set strict, healthy boundaries with families of origin. The boundaries were needed for them to grow and heal. But sometimes those boundaries felt both hard and lonely. That year when Christmas was approaching, one of the young ladies remarked that she was really missing her family. One of them sighed and responded wistfully, "Yeah, I miss the family I made up in my head, too!" They looked at each other and laughed because of the profound words that hung in the air. With their permission, I often share this part of their story as holidays approach, because it is true for many of us. 

Holidays can be fun and be very hard at the same time. They can be difficult when we have had to separate ourselves from abusive families to stay safe and long for healthy loving families. Holidays can also be difficult when we don't have to separate for safety's sake as anxiety rises around holiday preparations coupled with the dread of conflicts that can ignite when extended families rub shoulders. The shared history that sometimes bonds us also leaves us vulnerable with the knowledge of how to push each other's emotional buttons. Holidays can be hard when tongues are loosed when alcohol flows freely.  

Holidays can be hard because we find ourselves grieving over loved ones we have lost. Those loved ones may have been the ones who made the holidays special for us--the child, the soldier, the mom, the dad, the grandparents, or the friend gone too soon. Their empty place stirs an ache in the heart that we try to cover with a smile. 

Holidays can be hard because of grief that we experience over unfulfilled dreams. These dreams can be exposed by the questions we are asked. They can also be exposed by simply being around others whose dreams were fulfilled--dreams of a baby longed for but never had, dreams of specific jobs that went to a less-deserving coworker, dreams of a spouse that hasn't materialized, dreams of an intact marriage that dissolved into a heap of pain, or the dream house we can't afford due to a failing economy. Or grief over the family we can't see due to covid quarantines. 

Holidays can be hard due to illnesses that can't be healed and pain that makes it hard to be around people we don't want to burden. It can be because of mental illnesses and the unpredictability of another's actions or even our own depression that is a dark fog continually trying to crowd out joy and light. They can be hard because of eating disorders that trigger anxiety when gatherings are planned around food. 

And, holidays can be hard when the family puts pressure on us to do away with preset boundaries that we put in place to protect our families, our recoveries, our healing journey, and ourselves.    

So, how do we navigate the holidays in a healthy way? First, we begin by going into the holiday season with eyes wide open. There are no perfect families and their will never be a perfect Christmas. We can enjoy Christmas more when we let go of expectations and the made-up families living in our heads and accept our families as they are. Isn't that acceptance something we, ourselves, long for as well? 

Second, we can commit to treating others with respect while we practice good self-care by getting plenty of rest, drinking water, eating somewhat healthy, and using our voice to request what we desire and what we need. 

Third, we can refuse to take every word, action, or attitude personally because those things are about others' hearts not ours. We can take quiet moments alone to breathe, to grieve, or to regroup as we need it. 

Fourth, we can give thanks for the good moments and learn from the bad, knowing that one doesn't cancel the other out. We can make sure we extend grace to others as well as to ourselves. 

Fifth, we can own our mistakes, apologizing and making amends when needed. We can keep short accounts and forgive quickly. Those of us who are overwhelmed introverts can refuse to compare ourselves to extroverts and focus on one person at a time, fostering meaningful conversations and maybe looking for the one who looks as lost as we feel.   

Sixth, we can remember we have a Savior who cares and wants us to take our grief, our fear, our hurt, and our dreams to Him. If anyone understands dysfunctional families He does. Just look at the people who were in His family line. Abraham, who though he was commended for his faith, lied about Sarah being his wife. Jacob weaved a mighty mess with his wives and concubines and the favoritism he showed to one son over eleven others. Naomi the widow became so bitter after the loss of her husband that she changed her name to Mara. David, the man after God's own heart messed up his family by abusing Bathsheba and murdering her husband. He ended up with a son who raped his daughter and chose to do nothing about it. Jesus' brothers thought He was insane. 

Oh, Jesus' family line had its sin, its secrets, and its dysfunction. So, He gets ours. This was proved by the way He treated those around Him. He was full of compassion for the woman caught in adultery who was thrust at his feet. He was full of compassion for the woman at the well who had been married five times and then lived with a man in sin. He was full of compassion for the ill, the blind, the deaf, and the crippled. He fed both those who were hungry, both physically and spiritually. He allowed Mary and Martha to vent their grief and stood at the grave of Lazarus and wept with them before He called him to come out. Our Jesus cares. 

Seventh, we can enter the holidays confident that we have been given a new Heritage through Christ. The pain of our past, the dysfunction of our families, the failure of our Christmases to be perfect don't define us. Jesus, His love and His sacrifice, do. He calls us beloved, chosen, blessed, forgiven, children, and friends. 

As I reflect on past Christmases, one of my most pleasant memories is of when my children were teenagers. They got up early as they always had and opened gifts and then all fell asleep watching a Christmas movie. I looked around at my sleeping family and picked up my Bible and read the Christmas story again. I felt overwhelmed by His love, experiencing a heart connection with Him that gave me peace and joy. That joy and that sense of belonging was because I truly felt at home in Him. That sweet moment prepared me for future losses and changes that life brings about in families. But I also realize it fulfilled one of my deepest longings--to finally feel at home somewhere--the somewhere just happened to be a Someone and that Someone is Jesus. 

Grace Is More Than A Pardon

When I first became a believer, I had a pretty narrow view of grace. I would have described it as a pardon for my sin. But that view began to change when I studied the attributes of God and came to realize grace was more than a pardon, it was one of God's attributes. That means grace has permeated every action God has taken and every instruction He has given. This means grace dates all the way back to the Garden of Eden when God created Adam and Eve, He graciously placed them in the Garden to tend to it. In that Garden they had everything they needed. They had human relationships that were unhindered by sin, deception, guilt, or shame. They had a sense of purpose when they explored the beauty God created, when they tamed and named the animals, and they they tended the Garden, freely eating from the fruit. They had a spiritual life that was unhindered by sin, allowing them to fellowship freely with their Creator. They lived with only one protective limitation placed on them and as long as they obeyed God's instruction this sheltered, abundant, and harmonious life they live would continue indefinitely. The world and the life God gave them was a demonstration of God's favor--the byproduct of His grace. 

Then Adam and Eve came face to face with a crafty serpent, through whom Satan cast doubt on God's goodness. He did this by questioning God's command not to eat of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. As the serpent spoke Eve glanced at the forbidden tree, noticing it was full of beautiful fruit that whet her appetite. She began to ponder over the serpents words, "You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened and you will be like God knowing good and evil." Those words filled her with doubts God's integrity and about God's goodness and provisions for them. And most importantly she felt a sense of deprivation and dissatisfaction for the first time ever as she longed to be like God, knowing good and evil. And in that state of dissatisfaction and that sense of wanting more, she chose to quit relying on God and to take charge of her own life. She took the fruit and bit and turned to her mate and offered him a bite and he, too, bit.  

Their eyes were immediately opened and they were filled with the dark feeling of shame. They sewed fig leaves together to cover their shame and to hide their nakedness. Then when they heard the Lord walking in the garden, instead of moving towards Him, they hid themselves from His presence. The deceiver hadn't prepared them for the guilt and the shame they would feel over their actions. Nor had prepared him for the fear of the Lord that would fill their souls in the in the aftermath of the choices they made.  

But God's attribute of grace was still in place when He entered the garden that day. Not seeing them, He called to Adam, in a sense inviting him to confess his sin. Adam didn't take him up on the invitation, instead he admitted to God that he was afraid to be seen by Him because of his nakedness. God asked him if he had eaten from the tree He had commanded him not to eat. Adam once again ignored the invitation to confess his disobedience. He instead cast blame on God for creating the woman and then he blamed the woman as well. And the woman did no better. She blamed the serpent for her choice. 

The next verses in the story contain what has always been known as "the Curse." But as I read them, I see God's grace beautifully woven through God's declaration of their consequences. Within the curse, we see grace in the form of the first promise of the Savior who would take their sin in His body. Within the curse we see grace through the protective covering of Adam's leadership assigned over Eve. Within the curse we find grace in the promise that Adam will someday die and return to dust. That may not seem like grace, but it was because God didn't want them to live forever in their fallen, sinful state. I believe Adam saw God's grace in the curse as the name he ascribed to the woman was "Eve," "the mother of all living." 

We also can see God's grace in His actions towards them. God killed an animal and clothed them in garments of skins. When Adam and Eve took off their fig-leaf coverings and replaced them with the garments God had made, they acknowledged that they, themselves, could not repair the damage their sin had caused to the world, to their relationship with each other, and to their relationship with their Creator. He also removed them from the Garden so they could not eat from the tree of life and live in that fallen state forever.

God's grace also shows up in our lives everyday. It shows up in the sunrises and the sunsets He paints across the sky. It shows up in the way He fulfills our needs. It shows up in the work of the Holy Spirit as He convicts us of our sin, brings to mind God's truth, and whispers the truth of God's love into our hungry souls. It shows up in the design of the church as He gifts people with gifts and passions to build up the body. It shows up in His daily reminders that because of Jesus we are no longer defined by our sin, but by the words Jesus has spoken over us--words like chosen, beloved, redeemed, blessed, restored, reconciled, delivered, forgiven, holy, blameless, above reproach before Him, and qualified to share in the inheritance of the saints. He has also shown us grace through the comfort He gives, the healing He does, and the discipline he administers that helps us grow into His likeness. 

Yes, grace is more than a pardon, it is the assurance that comes from knowing our God and the truths contained in His Word--truths like, "The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty One who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by his love; He will exult over you with loud singing."(Zephaniah3:17)

To Please or Not to Please

Hi, my name is Wendy and I am a recovering people pleaser. I do not mean any disrespect to people in recovery by writing that. It is a part of my story. As far back as I can remember, I wanted to please people who were in my life--that included family, teachers, friends, and church family. What I remember most from those years of people pleasing was a terrible angst that I experienced when what I believed would please the Lord would in someway displease some of the people in my life and the angst I experienced when a decision made pleased one person and upset another. I remember at those times crying out to the Lord, saying, "Lord, there is no right choice for me to make." When I did make decisions during those times, those choices most often carried a heavy burden of guilt and shame and a belief that I had somehow failed and second guessed decisions that were godly. 

Some things have happened over the years that have helped reshape my views of people pleasing. First, during a difficult season of decision making I mentioned to a friend that there seemed to be no right decision to make. He looked at me puzzled by my statement and said, "There is always a right decision to be made." We didn't have time to process what I meant by my statement or what he meant by his statement. But, I began to think something was amiss in how I was approaching decision making in my life. Sometime later I was seeking the advice from a pastor on a ministry decision and he laid out the possible options. All of them good and godly, but not all of the options would please everyone involved. I pointed that out, and he gently pointed out my people pleasing ways. At the time I carried a lot of shame and even though the pastor was a good man who did not mean to heap shame on me, I felt a deep shame envelop me when he said those words. From that time on I assumed the desire to please was something shameful which I needed to correct.  

Recently I was listening to Dr. Henry Cloud, on a call in program and he addressed the problem of people pleasing for one of his callers. One of the first things he stated was that the desire to please is written on our hearts by the creator and that the desire to please was not an evil thing. He pointed us to Matthew 25:21, "His master said to him, "Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master." I realized when Cloud shared those verses that hearing those words from Jesus as I enter into His joy forever is one of my strongest desires. It was so freeing to realize that the desire to please is a good desire, not something about which to be ashamed. 

As I processed the idea of people pleasing through the lens of this truth, I became excited. I realized that when I experience the desire to please whether it be God or others, I don't have to take on that old yoke of shame I once wore. I can simply acknowledge the desires to please and prayerfully research and set some parameters around it to help me discern the choices I have ahead of me that may or may not please others. I identified a couple of things that could help me in this. 

First, I can seek God's wisdom through His Word and through prayer. I know both His will and His design for my life are perfect and never wrong. If my desire to please God is at the center of my decision making process I will seldom make wrong choices. That means when I make a decision that pleases God and displeases a person I have not done anything wrong and a person's displeasure with me is not something I have to own. I can make myself available to have a conversation with them, but at the end of the day, their displeasure with me will not be a deterrent to choosing to please the Lord. Nor, am I responsible for fixing that their feelings as their feelings are about their hearts. I have had a couple of great leaders from our ministry come to me and tell me God was calling them to do something different. I initially felt some grief at the loss our ministry would experience when they left, but I did not feel displeasure or disappointment towards them. I experienced deep joy that they were recognizing God's callings on their lives and were moving a head in faith and confidence to impact women in ways I had never even dreamed of doing. They had in fact grown and matured enough to see more clearly the path God had for them. Their decisions impacted me and the ministry, but God will provide what we need as He moves them. I would have hated it if they were so afraid of disappointing me that they didn't obey God's calling. And it would have been wrong of me to guilt them into staying. 

Second, there are times that I have had to choose between two good choices. Maybe it is a choice of having to choose with whom I will spend time, knowing I would leave the other person disappointed. Maybe it is a choice of choosing which short term missionary trip I will participate in, causing an organization to feel disappointed that I won't be on their team. Maybe, it is choosing which project I will finish first, leaving the recipient of the work not yet done displeased that they have to wait a bit longer. Looking back I see that when I worried about those kinds of things, the mature people graciously accepted the decisions I made without questions or shaming statements. There were times less mature people expressed displeasure over my choices. Sometimes they simply stated their feelings and graciously accepted my explanation that my intention was not to hurt them and things were quickly resolved. There were also times when people became angry, demanding, or judgmental and tried to manipulate me through guilt and shame evoking statements. I have had to learn that their reactions are more about them than me.

I have worked hard to learn to rest in my prayerful decisions, understanding my limitations are sometimes going to expose other's impatience and inappropriate tendency to place expectations and demands on others. By being gracious in hearing, but kindly firm in boundary setting, others are given the opportunity to grow and become more patient and gracious as well. In learning these lessons it has also helped me to not take others' decisions personally, allowing them the same freedom to seek God in their decision making processes. 

I want to be a person who strives to please the Lord in all things. While I want to be a blessing to all the people in my life, I realize that I have had to take a look at what blessings really are. Sometimes they occur when I make a choice that pleases them. But sometimes the bigger blessing comes from the growth of allowing someone to sit in the disappointment caused by a decision I have made. The codependent in me wants others to always feel good, but that is not in their best interest anymore than it is in mine. To please or not to please...that is a fair question. But we won't go wrong if we seek to please the Lord first and utilize His wisdom when our choices impact others.     

Rachel is Still Weeping

As I was watching Amy Comey Barret's hearings, my heart ached for what she and her family were being put through just because so many are for abortion. I knew as I watched it was time to revisit the topic of abortion. I have shared before that when I read the Bible through for the first time, Matthew 2:18 left me feeling unsettled. "A voice was heard in Ramah, weeping and loud lamentation, Rachel weeping for her children; she refused to be comforted, because they are no more." I also shared that I first associated this verse with Moses' time when Pharaoh ordered midwives to kill Jewish babies and with Christ's time when all boys under the age of two were to be put to death to make sure the "King" would not rise to power. 

At the time I discovered these verses I was having my own babies and as I thought about those verses, I could not wrap my mind around the brutal orders given by those men that were responsible for the deaths of so many children. This was especially true as I stood over the baby-sized coffin weeping with my friend as she was burying her six-month-old baby, my heart ached for every child that has been lost and for every mama that has stood with empty arms and engorged breasts, weeping for a child she wanted with all of her heart, but had to lay to rest. It hurt my heart to know those mamas would never hear their babies cry again. Never hear them laugh cute belly laughs. Never hear them call for her after bad dreams. Never hear them sing or watch them dance. Never watch them play tag, catch balls. Never celebrate those milestones that we often take for granted--first steps, birthdays, graduations, holidays, and marriages, and grandchildren. I couldn't help but believe as my friend's baby was laid to rest that Rachel could be heard weeping with all grieving Mamas.  

As I read through the Old Testament, I saw some other things I believed might have caused Rachel to weep. As Israel moved into the Promised Land, some of them made unholy alliances with people who were steeped in pagan worship. Pagan religions were fear-based and centered around idols representing angry gods. To appease angry gods, sacrifices were made and sometimes the sacrifices were daughters who were taken to temples to be sexually abused and trafficked by temple priests. Some parents offered babies to be burned on the alter of stone idols. It was common enough that God forbid the practice in His Law, even requiring a death penalty for those sacrificing children. I can't help but believe as young daughters were taken and left in priest arms and babies were placed on altars to be burned that Rachel could be heard weeping. 

Its easy for us to judge those who sacrificed babies in pagan worship, but aren't we just as guilty of sacrificing children? Some sacrifice their children by letting godless schools and daycare centers raise and indoctrinate their children with perverted confusing ideologies so they can live more comfortably. Some sacrifice them by spending time on technology and watching TV, leaving their children feeling invisible, unheard, and unloved. Some sacrifice them when we vote for legislatures to go easy on those trafficking people's sons and daughters. Some sacrifice their children when they protect their families' or churches' reputations by covering horrific abuse going on in their home or their churches. Some sacrifice their children to the god of lust by bringing pornography into the home, leaving it in the bathroom or on computers where it randomly pops up for little eyes to see. 

Some sacrifice their children by having them literally sucked and scraped out of the womb for convenience sake. Our culture is covering the atrocities of abortion by blocking stories that talk about it in a truthful way. They also cover it up by calling abortion by different names like "women's health care" when it literally has nothing to do with a woman's health. They have also labeled it as a woman's right to choose while refusing to acknowledge that the choice can be made before a child is conceived. They have also cover it by calling a baby "a clump of cells." As I said in the past, we may not be offering our children to gods of stone, but we are offering them to gods of ease, god's of unbridled pleasure, god's of selfishness, god's of addictions, god's of pride, and god's of convenience. I can't help but believe that Rachel can still be heard weeping for the children who need to be loved and protected. When Cain killed Abel, God told Cain that Abel's blood is crying out from the ground...if we could see the blood of aborted babies crying out, we would be swimming in it.  

I have quietly been reading the reasons many women give for being for abortion. Some say it is needed because it interrupts the education and careers of women. Could it be that Barret's hearing enraged many people because by her life and her choices she has proven that with a caring and involved partner women can successfully wear more than one successfully. They can be moms and be judges, nurses, teachers, business owners, architects, Bible study leaders, authors, artists, dancers, musicians, singers, and a host of other things. Some have stated that it is needed for rape victims, yet the abortion industry doesn't always report sexual abuse of minors that resulted in pregnancy. And the number of abortions performed everyday and the number of women marching and saying they are proud of the abortions they have gotten points to the reality that many view abortion as birth control. I have seen posts where women were in favor of abortion they knew women who had more children than they believed they could handle or who were pressured by husbands who wanted to continue to have children until they got the preferred sex. Those are marriage and maybe spiritual issues that need to be handled in counseling offices before conception takes place instead of abortion clinics.  

The handmaiden costumes worn by women in protest of Barret's nomination showed how intolerant some are. My mom told me that as early as I could talk I wanted baby dolls and when I was asked how many kids I wanted, it was always six. As an adult I still wanted six kids. When I got pregnant with my fourth and fifth babies, I could count on one hand the number of people who were excited for us. Most people made jokes about us and others asked rude questions that I would never ask. One of my friends even admitted to me that she had told the doctor we both saw that she thought it was insane, and my doctor graciously told her, "If anyone should have a big family it is her. She is such a capable mom." We chose to stop after our fifth baby, because I wasn't sure my body would carry another child and I had suffered trauma at the hands of a brutal doctor during childbirth. It was a hard decision and one that I grieved. Some don't understand that some women both desire and enjoy children and want large families and take it on themselves to shame women who make that choice. The handmaiden's costumes, the media's judgmental posts, and those crying that her appointment sets women back a hundred years and the jokes and rude comments made to me and my husband prove that proabortion people are not really prochoice when the choice a woman or a couple make is different than theirs.    

I pray often that our government will reverse laws that allow abortion. As I have prayed the period in which legal abortions can occur has been extended to the point that in one state it is up to full term and babies surviving are left to die. It hurts to see women who God made to be nurturers smiling and applauding the lives that have so brutally been terminated. 

Our church sometimes puts up crosses in its lawn representing lives lost every day to abortion.

As I look at all of those crosses I can hear Rachel weeping for the children, can you? 

As I sat by the incubator of our granddaughter born at 26 1/2 weeks, I prayed for her as I observed how perfectly she was formed. She had a head full of golden curly hair, was super active, fought hard for her life, and showed her spunky little personality when she would be woken up from a sound sleep for tests. I knew I was given a glimpses of life as it is in the womb and wondered how anyone could terminate it. 

I do know children of church going people have been sacrificed as well. It has occurred when abuse has not been reported, but was covered up to protect the abusers and churches' reputations. It has occurred when church going women and teens get abortions to cover shame they feel over pregnancies conceived outside of marriage or when it feels overwhelming. Sadly, terminating lives doesn't solve sin or shame issues. In fact it increases guilt, shame, depression, anxiety, and regret, causing grief over a life time. Thankfully, churches in our area provide are providing safe groups in which women can confess to one another their sinful choices. They can come out of hiding and collectively grieve openly the babies they terminated, and experience grace that is bigger than the shameful choices made. I am sure every year in those groups Rachel can be heard weeping along with the ladies who have the courage to attend. 

The psalmist wrote, "For you formed my inward parts, you knitted me in my mothers womb. I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made...In your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them." We must understand our God is the giver of life and not equate choice with terminating life. God at times revealed his plans for people's children before they were born. Samson's parents were told. Mary was told about Jesus role. John the Baptist's parents were told and amazingly, John recognized the Messiah Mary was carrying in her womb while in his own mama's womb. I believe he leapt for joy when Mary approached. 

Sarah Purcel, who was on TV when I was young shared in an interview that she gave the birth mom of her adopted child a tape of her singing songs to play against her belly. The birth mom complied and played those songs daily. When Sarah sang those songs aloud in the delivery room, the baby quit crying and looked around for the one whose voice was familiar. Babies in the womb are not clumps of tissue growing. They are humans fashioned by the living God. I long for the day that Jesus reigns in perfect love and righteousness and stops the death of children. I also long for the day that He will he wipe away every tear every "Rachel" has wept. 

Reconciliation--An Interesting Doctrine

Some friends and I are working through Cloud and Townsend's book, How People Grow. This book written from a Biblical standpoint helps me understand the process of spiritual growth. As a new believer I was often frustrated because I thought when I got saved I was instantly going to be changed into the person God had created me to be, but it didn't happen. I still struggled with sin, with negative thoughts and emotions, and with maladaptive ways of dealing with hurtful memories and hurtful relationships. This caused me, a perfectionist, to struggle with a lack of assurance of my salvation. My imperfections, the ugly and hate-filled thoughts that sometimes passed through my head made the person I longed to be seem out of reach. We eventually landed in a great Bible teaching church and fellowshipped with loving, godly believers several times a week. These transparent people talked often about how to rightly handle the word of God and how to apply it to our lives. I grew in my relationship with God, my assurance of salvation, and in my relationships as I began to understand the process of sanctification. When we began working through the book, I was struck by how much the doctrine of reconciliation plays out in the gospel and in our growth as believers. I was also struck by the fact that through the gospel we are not only reconciled to God, but to others and to ourselves as well. 

To understand reconciliation, we need to remember God created us to be relational with Him and with each other. In the Garden Adam and Eve enjoyed a pure, unadulterated relationship with God and with each other--a relationship that was open, vulnerable, and without any shame. When they sinned, their relationship with God became fractured and they became alienated from God. Colossians tells us bluntly that we, too, became enemies of God as demonstrated by our thought life and by our evil behaviors. By their choices, Adam and Eve also fractured their relationship as was shown by their feelings of shame and the desire to cover their nakedness. As Cloud and Townsend put it, their  vulnerability and intimacy was replaced by alienation, unfairness, adversity, and a whole lot of dishonesty. We don't have to read very far into Genesis to see the truth of that. And in their attempt to become like God they became fractured people who were actually less of themselves. 

As believers, we know we are reconciled with God through faith in Jesus Christ. Paul in his letter to the Philippians tells us we are to work out our salvation. When I read the words "work out" I was so  relieved because I realized this thing called Christian growth isn't an instantaneous thing, it is a process that takes time and energy. It is what I call practical reconciliation with God, with ourselves, and with each other. 

Practical reconciliation with God occurs as we read His word and interact with Him over it. Sometimes it is reading narratives of how God and His Son related to people and looking for His interaction in our own lives. Sometimes it is meditating on passages of Scripture and asking Him questions about them and waiting for the Holy Spirit to teach us the deeper things we miss on our own. Sometimes it is praising Him for His attributes and for being a God who actively and passionately pursues broken people. Sometimes it means being radically honest with Him when we are struggling to trust Him or when we are struggling with issues of sin and find ourselves wanting to hide from Him or cast blame on others as Adam and Eve did. It is being radically honest about the feelings we experience, both positive and negative, and reframing our circumstances and suffering through the lens of His truth and His loving, compassion. 

Reconciliation with others begins to occur when we are in a right relationship with God. It living out the "one another" verses contained in the Scripture--love one another, live in harmony with one another, do not judge one another, forgive one another, instruct one another, greet one another, do not deprive one another, submit to one another, and comfort one another. And, these one another's are just the beginning, there are many others contained in the Word. Practical reconciliation can also mean choosing to stay present and involved when relationships becomes difficult. It can mean separating from some people, leaving the possibility for relationship open once sin and hurtful behaviors are acknowledged and changed. Practical reconciliation lived out well is important, because iron sharpens iron and if we hide and run from the hard of relationships we won't grow. It is also important because the world is watching the church and if we can't love one another and work through the hard, why would they want what we have? 

Reconciliation with ourselves is a new idea to me. The Scriptures instructs us to love God and to love others as we love ourselves. Over the years I have heard pastors say we all love ourselves and I remember thinking, "If I loved my children the way I love myself, I would be sitting in a jail cell right now." I have come to believe our ability to love ourselves was as fractured by the Fall as our ability to love God and others was. For me, practical reconciliation with myself included things like learning about my identity in Christ and replacing my identity as a victim of trauma with that. It included learning about the depth of God's love and trusting it even in the face of the hard, the aftermath of sin and shame, and the midst of prayers that seemed to be unanswered. It included spending time with Christian therapists who did not judge me, but gave me a safe place to share the shameful parts of my story, my life, and myself. It also meant learning how trauma had impacted my views, thoughts, choices, reactions, and actions so I could choose to move out of victimhood, learn to love my enemies, and refuse to let Satan use my suffering to keep me from experiencing God and His joy. It meant leaning in to the very things Satan had used to try to destroy me so God could display His glory and healing power in my life. That was what helped God's love become a driving force in my life instead of past trauma. The doctrine of reconciliation is an interesting doctrine as it helps us understand more about God's infinite love and grace.